01x07 - Ghosts

[bunniefuu]

All: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ And many more ♪

[ Laughter ]
Yeah!

You know I can't blow
those candles out.

I'm a ghost.

I just thought you'd appreciate
the ceremony since...

well, you know,
you can't leave the bedroom.

And what's his problem?
O'Doyle. Stop staring.

Sorry, it's just wild
there's no exit wound.

Is the b*llet still in there?
Like, as a ghost b*llet?

I mean, did the b*llet
become a ghost, too?

Sorry, O'Doyle's half-Leprechaun

and all vibe k*ller.

Perhaps we should call it.

It's not like I can do anything.

You sure about that?

Gloves?
Ghost Gloves.

I had Dr. Finch
cook them up for you.

Put your right hand in here

and wiggle your fingers,
one by one.

Okay...?
[ Beeps ]

Right now, the glove's
ectosonic sensors are scanning

your psychic footprint
and creating a field

that gives your hand mass.

By God!
Here. Grab it.

I... I can feel it.

I-I can hold things!

You've got hands, Abe!

Eeee!
[ Laughs excitedly ]

A bedpost? Table?!

Sheets!
Curtis, my good man.

This is the greatest gift ever!

I gotta say, seeing Abe Lincoln

get ghost gloves has to be

one of the best moments...

[ Beeping ]
Launch codes, launch codes.

Excuse me?

Sorry, [chuckles] I-I don't know
where that came from.

From your dirty mouth.

Stop eyeing me like
a b*llet wound, O'Doyle.

It's not like I...
launch codes, access PIN.

[ Gasps ]
Wow.

Okay, I admit
this is kinda weird.

[ Clicking, beeping ]
Malware?

f*cking robots, man.

This is a huge security issue.

All right,
you two deal with that.

Seems like the bigger story,

I'll just hang with Lincoln.

Guys, let's not overreact,

I'm completely...
launch [vomits]

I'll take care of it.
Yeah, it's a thing.

It's warm.

The vomit is warm!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Beeping ]

Why are we in the room

where Curtis goes to avoid
his brother's calls?

Because it's a Faraday cage,
no data can get in or out.

Which is what we need
while we're hunting this...

gate code, White House.

Son of a b*tch.

[ Sighs ]
Self-cloaking trojan horse.

Banks, you're the Chief of Staff,

not a fart fetish porn site,

you're not allowed
to have a virus.

God, you sound just
like the people

at the Bureau of Robotics.

Is that who made your
dumb robot brain?

No, NuMind made my brain.

They were this amazing,
short-lived bio tech startup.

I was their only prototype.

The B.O.R. is basically
a f*cking Jiffy Lube.

They do government-
mandated checkups on my brain

to make sure stuff
like this doesn't happen.

So why aren't we there?

Because I've never had a virus,

and if I report this,
they'll fire me.

So... why aren't we there?

O'Doyle, do you really want Jeff

to be the one going into my mind

to retrieve classified data

from a piece of rogue malware?

'Cause Jeff's the guy.

He smells like Doritos,

and he always forgets
to recalibrate the diodes.

[ Sighs ] You are a mess.
Don't worry, I got this.

Pentagon access PIN.

Ugh, hold on.
I might puke.

[ Dry heaving ]

Okay, screw this.
[ Sighs ] What?

You think I trust you to do this?

You plug in and f*ck up

and go Scarlet Witch
on the White House,

that makes me look bad.

No. No way, sister.
I'm going in.

I'll terminate
that malware myself.

Shirt's off.
Decision's made.

I mean...

I'd love to clap back,

but I don't really have
any other options.

'Course you don't.
Okay.

Just need to customize
your avatar...

[ Beeping ]

Stop! Stop giving me
a witch nose!

Hmm... Ooh, mirror image.

Banks!
Fine.

Happy, you baby?
You're hot now.

Yes.
You might scream a bit.

[ Whirring ]
[ Screaming ]

Whoa!

Of course there's
a c*ck in your brain.

Hi, there!
How can I help you today?

Uh, there's a little girl here.

Banks:
That's the user interface.

She pops up whenever
someone loads in.

I customized her to look like
a little girl version of me.

That's insane.
What's insane?

A thing someone said.

I see you work
for the B.O.R.?

You do assume that.

If I said otherwise,
that would make me a liar.

Great!
Let's get you your toolkit!

[ Whooshes ]

Jesus Christ,
just learn to lie you weirdo.

All righty.

Diagnostic visor, neuroscanner.

Which sector are you inspecting?

Memories.
I'm here for memories.

Great!

This tube will drop you
into a recent memory,

since they're the newest
and most stable.

Good luck!

Hm.
She's actually pretty helpful.

[ Whooshes ]

Okay, I'm in an empty bathroom?

[ Memory Banks vomits ]

Oh, I can't believe
I puked in front of Lincoln.

Correction, I'm in a bathroom
with you puking.

[ Sneezes, farts ]
And sneezing and farting.

Go into the third stall.

Don't be gross.
You don't be gross!

I'm navigating you through
my memories toward the malware.

Just take the stall.

I thought we couldn't handle it.

Well, sir, today I learned

it's wrong to make
assumptions about people.

If all your memories
are just you at work,

this is gonna get very sad,
very quickly.

By God does it feel good for an
old man to pour himself a drink.

Cheers to you, Abe.
Thank you, Curtis.

I never thought I'd get a second
chance to do things, you know?

Least I could do!
Gotta admit, I'm a fan.

I mean, I'm mostly known
for taxing people's c*m.

Just wish we knew
what unfinished business

was chaining you to this bedroom.

I've... always wanted to hold
Mary Todd one last time.

Buddy, she's been dead
a long time.

Yes, but she made them seal
off her entire wardrobe.

What? Her bloody
dress from that night.

Until I had these gloves,

I never thought I'd be
able to touch it again.

Embrace her essence.

Hyah!
Whoa, whoa!

Easy tough guy!

[ Breathes deeply ]

[ Sighs ]

Mary... [ Sighs ]

♪♪

Mm.

♪♪

Mmm!

[ Laughing ]

Whoa, Linky!
You can leave the bedroom!

Your bedroom business
has been finished!

Yes!

[ Both laugh ]

[ Metallic clang ]
Ow! Jesus, man.

Sorry, sorry!
Got a little excited.

But... I'm still here.

Well, birthday boy,
guess there's more business

for you to finish out here, huh?

Business buddies!
Finish Friends!

Finish friends!
[ Both laugh ]

Business buddies finish friends!

[ Both laugh ]

Christ, your mind took
a turn for the worse.

Uh-huh.
The neural realignment

wiped out almost all my memories
before the surgery.

You're walking through my 20s.

Oh, it's almost like

a computer doesn't belong
in a brain.

Banks: Mehbleghhh.

Just go right.
You're near the malware.

Whoo! NuMind, b*tches!

We're gonna change the
world! Unexpected twist.

You're standing on a desk
doing Jell-O shots.

Banks: What? My middle
name is "Grind," baby!

I see it. Oh-h*-h*!

[ Grunts ]
[ Malware screeches ]

Ah, squirmy worm!

Banks: The blue wire!
Disconnect the blue wire!

[ Grunts ]

[ Malware screeches ]

[ Beep! I Hell yeah!
Nice work, O'Doyle.

Whoo! Guess the malware was
going after your middle name?

What? I don't know
my middle name.

Apparently, it's "Grind"?

Although, honestly, I think
you were just drunk.

Banks: "Grind"?
What memory is this?

You doing shots at NuMind?

I never did that.
I was their product.

They saved me.

Yeah, it's a real
"who rescued who."

You're shotgunning a beer.

Okay, f*ck this.
I'm coming in.

What?! Why?
The malware's contained.

You're saying insane things.
I need to see this myself.

Banks, no.
Keep your robot a*s out there

until I clear you
of being a threat...

Sorry, can't hear you,
plugging in.

[ Screaming ]

Hi, there, Banks!

Always nice to see my host.

Yeah, whatever.
Give me a diagnostic toolkit.

Oh, I see we're doing
East Coast personalities today.

I should note,
the B.O.R. is doing

routine maintenance on the...
[ Lift door opens ]

Uhp, she's not listening.

[ Screaming ]

[ Grunts ]

Oh! Linky likey!

Your first perfect game!

Yeah, it... it's good.

Right, but not
"finished business" good.

What's next?

Lincoln: A-ha!

Holy sh*t! Your last
unsolved case as a lawyer!

You found the Kentucky Canoodler!

It's always the husbands.

But the mystery of
my presence still remains.

Ha ha! Good!

Now put some mustard on it. What?

Just throw it hard,
like you're proud of me.

What do you think, Abe?
People want to add a hat

to your head on Mount Rushmore.

Maybe finishing
this project would...

Curtis, I'm sorry.

You really think I care
about this stupid hat?

Oh. Well... what would
make you happy, Abe?

Honestly?

Finch: Well, sir, we can't
actually resurrect the man himself,

but we can use tons
of historical data

to build a cognitive model and
put it into a vat-brewed clone.

Incredible.

And here's the best part...
we suck that body up

into my Finch-a-reeno
wardrobing chamber.

Wardrobing chamber?

Oh, yeah. Clothes,
props... you name it.

What do you think?
Should he be writing a letter?

Taking a sh*t?

No, no, no.
Reading a book.

And voilà...
John Wilkes Booth.

Damn. Okay.
Right?

I wanna go in there.

That, uh...
that makes sense.

I guess you can't get closure
without facing your k*ller.

Sure.
Open the door.

[ Door clangs ]

You? No!
It can't be!

I... I k*lled you!

Well, you didn't do
a good enough job, Johnny!

Raaah! Raaaah!

Oh! Aah!
Yaaah!

[ Bones cracking ]
Aaaaah!

Uh...
It is his birthday.

Hey, I'm just trying
to make it to 5:00.

My middle name is "Grind," baby!

This is insane.
You being cool,

or you working at
the company that made you?

I didn't work there.
I was a Jane Doe they saved.

I would've died from
a free-climbing accident

if it wasn't for
their experimental tech.

You're just describing the plot
of "The Bionic Woman."

What's that?
A hit TV show in the '70s?

No, idiot... that.

That's Logan Parks.
He founded the company,

he's one of the most
brilliant tech minds out there.

What are you doing?
Hardwiring us in.

The visual pathway's
are shredded,

but the data should
still be encoded

within the memory itself.

You could've just said
"letting us see the memory."

You want a headset or not?

No, I wanna stand here
with my thumb up my a*s.

My middle name is "Grind," baby!

All: Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Whoo!
NuMind, b*tches!

We're gonna change the world!

Damn right!

It's 3:00 a.m.
Should we go home?

No!
I sleep here anyway!

Should we ever leave
until we integrate a computer

into a human mind?

No!
I will never leave.

Wait.
Question, question,

'Cause I'm confused.
Should we let the government

slow down our progress
with regulations?

-No!
-Progress!

Put another day on the sign!

[ Ding! ]
Whoo!

And why is it shaped like that?

That's the point, new guy.

The sign should be dangerous.

It's unregulated!

[ Cheering ]
Love that sign!

First person to code a working OS

for the arm HUD
gets a vial of ketamine!

-Ketamine!
-And they're off!

Nice chugging, Banks.

You're pretty cool for a girl.

Thanks, Booger.
We're gonna do it, man.

We're gonna save so many people!

Who the f*ck was
that version of me?

Also, who's Booger?
What was his deal?

Son of a b*tch.
This isn't surgical damage.

Someone shredded this
memory on purpose.

Okay, and apparently more.

Oh, my God.
You're like a whack-a-mole

of security threats.

I'm going after those memories.

Stay or come.
I don't care!

Oh, bet you never
talked to Booger this way!

Uh...
[ Dial tone ]

[ Mumbling ]

[ Line ringing ]
Ah!

Hello? White House Operator.
Yes, hello.

Can I talk to the Army?

Operator: Is someone there?
If this is a spirit,

you should know all White House
phones have a ghost filter.

Curtis:
What the hell is this?

Ah, Curtis, my good man!

Who were you calling, Lincoln?

Look, I've been thinking.
You seem overburdened.

I'm a President,
you're a President...

why don't we President together?

[ Sighs ]

Look, Abe, uh...

you've gotten
a lot of empowerment

in a short amount of time.

I didn't want to have
to say this, but...

go to your room.

That's quite a proclamation

of anti-emancipation.

Maybe you'd like to back
it up by making me?

Are you serious?

Sir, we got word a ghost
was using your phone...

Oh, yep, there he is.
His phone?!

You realize this was my
f*cking White House first?

Whoa, guys!
Take it easy!

We're all on the same team here.

All right, Mr. Lincoln,
come with me...

Raah!
Oh! Oh, sh*t!

[ g*nsh*t ]
[ Screams ]

Sir, permission to wolf out!

Always!

[ Growling, roars ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Grunting ]

Aah!

[ Grunts ]

[ Glass shatters ]
That's enough, Lincoln!

You just want me to stay dead!

But nobody puts Linky
in a corner.

I'm the Rail-Splittin'
Honest Abe-Inator!

Aaah!

Unh!

Hyah!

People just love going
crazy on their birthdays, huh?

Damn, Banks.
For someone with no memory,

there is a lot of sh*t
to get through.

Sorry my "being traumatized"
is boring you.

Oh, in this memory
you find a stamp. Fun.

It's not a stamp, idiot.

Whatever it is,
it was worth shredding.

Banks, show everyone
what you cooked up.

Whoa!
This is the H.M.K. chip.

Coma patients, walking again.

Stroke victims,
not just regaining skills,

but learning new ones.

Americans finally speaking
other languages.

-Holy sh*t.
-No way!

How are we gonna test it?

The FDA won't allow
clinical trials with monkeys.

f*ck the FDA.
It's an upgrade for humans,

so we test on humans.

Information is power.

The billionaires
shouldn't be the only ones

with access to skills.

Let's grind, baby!
[ Cheering ]

Give her the crown!

-Whoo!
-She's a girl, too!

Okay. So, you weren't
just part of the family.

You were Manson himself.
What the f*ck, man?

Maybe the last one's more upbeat?

I mean, shredded memory.

I'm not holding my breath, but...

We lost another
test patient, Logan.

Any connectivity?


synch with the arm HUD.

Whoa!
Bury the lede much?

It's ketamine-o'clock, baby!

[ Both laugh ]
I know, I know.

But this is our last chip.

We gotta make
the next body count.

[ Pounding on door ]
What the hell is that?

The feds are here!
It's a raid!

[ Gasps ]
The feds?! Oh, sh*t!

Shred everything!
Burn the files!

Every man for himself!

Nobody tell my mom!

I can't go to jail!
I'm pretty.

Guys, guys!
We gotta stick together!

Chopper's here?
Great.

Initiate the Window
Chair Protocol.

What the hell?!

Logan, wait!
What're you doing?!

Sorry, Banks!

Chopper only seats four,
and I have long legs.

Move fast, baby!

[ Crashing ]

[ Screams ]
Unh!

[ High-pitched whine ]

[ Body thuds ]

[ Static ]

[ Energy whines ]

Hey, I don't know
if you can hear me,

but, man, you impaling your head
worked out great for us.

I put the last chip in you,
and, honey, you are stable.

But business is business.

So I'm just gonna erase your
memories, take all the credit.

Why not, right?

But if you do ever find this,

I'll program
a little some thin-some thin

to make sure you forget.

Omin-o-o-ous!

[ Drill whirring ]

[ Buzz! ]

Hi, there!
It appears you know too much.

I'll be locking down the CPU

as part of Logan's
secret security failsafe.

Little Girl Banks: Is there
anything else I can help you with?

Yes!
Don't seal us off!

Eh, it was worth a try.

You gotta be f*cking kidding me!

What the...
You're sitting down?!

We should be running.

There's no way
I'm gonna die in a polo.

You're fine.
They unplug you,

you'll go back into your mind.

Me, my consciousness
is trapped within itself.

I'll go into a coma.
Poetic, huh?

Oh, stop pouting!
Your tech works!

You invented the reason
you're alive!

I was in a cult!

I hate that person in there!

You think I love
all the sh*t I've done?

I made special b*ll*ts to k*ll
you the first day we met.

Excuse me?
The point is,

you're the bionic woman
who woke up with no memory

and chose to protect the people.

The bad guys are the dicks

who robbed information from you.

Now you know.

What matters is
where you go from here.

[ Rumbling ]

All right.
But I'm not sure

you'll love where we go first.

Why not? You think
I wanna stay here?

This place sucks.

[ Thunder crashes ]

♪♪

This has gone far enough, Abe!

I wanted to make you happy
because you're my hero,

but I never should
have enabled you!

How f*cking dare you?!

I died and made
everything awesome!

For everyone but me!

And we love you for it!
I love you for it!

But you're bumming me out!

You know what bums me out?!

Waking up every day
with my face on a penny!

A piece of money so worthless,

they literally stopped
minting it!

That's what
my sacrifice is worth!

Nothing!

But today, that changes!

Built this during the Great w*r.

It can fire a m*ssile 150 miles
and hit Virginia.

A direct attack
from a Northern state.

What the hell
are you talking about?

Civil w*r!

Linky back in charge!

You know what business
I never finished?!

My presidency!

And today,
I'm taking that power back!

[ Thunder crashes ]

[ Whirring ]

Don't make me do it, Lincoln!

You had your time!

You need to step your a*s aside!

You really think you
can stop me?!

This shoots a ghost b*llet,

locked onto your
ectosonic signature.

One headshot with this,
you're done.

Well, today, you
get to choose, Curtis.

What kind of President
are you going to be?

Probably a brief one.

[ g*nshots ]

Gaaah!
Aah!

Why are my legs so heavy?!

Why can't I move?!

The b*llet gives you mass.

Way too much mass.

[ Grunts ]

No. N-o-o-o!

Sorry, pal.

Your birthday business
is finished.

[ Thunder crashes ]

Why am I showing you
the malware's belly again?

Banks: Just hold on tight.
I'm still its target.

It's gonna go apeshit
when it sees me.

[ Malware screeching ]
Jesus!

These things are programmed

to exploit structural
insecurities.

If we want to find a way
into the c*ck,

it needs a target
inside the c*ck...

Okay. Let it go.

Couldn't you have
programmed it to use a door?

Hell yeah.

How the hell are we
gonna get up there?

Why can't we just float up?
We're avatars.

Our bodies need to perform
the vertical movement.

So that's why you're making
full a*s-to-a*s contact?

Yeah, you caught me.

This whole thing was
about touching your a*s.

Don't try to make me sound
dumb! I don't need to try!

a*s-to-a*s. Clever.

But I can be cleverer.

[ Computer whirring ]

Okay.
And just gotta pop the hood.

[ Electricity crackles ]

Ugh!

Come on!

[ Malware screeches ]
Aah!

sh*t!
What the hell?!

[ Grunting ]

That's enough of me for one day.

I'm just doing what
I'm programmed to do.

I programmed you,
you little sh*t!

But it's not your fault
Logan hijacked your code.

You know, I've always
hated this avatar.

Should we mix it up?

Hmm? Hmm?
Hmm?

Yaah!

O'Doyle!
Help me kick her a*s!

What? I'm not gonna
beat up a little girl!

Aah!

Ow! sh*t!

[ Beep! ]

[ g*n charges ]

Little sh*t!

Bringing g*ns to a mind fight.

Unh!
[ Grunts ]

Baby long legs!

Sonnova...

[ Giggling ]

No! No!
Let me out!

Destroy her, Banks.

You idiot!
You need me!

THE B.O.R. will know
you've been here.

They'll know
you violated protocol!

Yeah, that's why
this b*tch believes

in government regulations.

N-o-o-o-o-o!

Now what do we do?
Shouldn't we do nothing?

No, I mean with NuMind,
who I was.

I don't wanna know that sh*t.

I could easily just
reset my mind to...

And he's taking
off his shirt again.

From when my mother sold
her car to a first-time driver

with me locked in the trunk.

I covered the scar
with a badass ram.

From the scissor bath I got
after messing up the clan jig.

This one's from my
Sheryl Crow phase.

Oh, love her.

Your scars are part
of who you are, Banks.

If you own them,
then your conniving,

piece-of-sh*t mother
can never own you.

Thanks, O'Doyle.

You can put your shirt
back on now.

Okay, that'll do it.

Should keep his ghost
contained to the bedroom.

Let's keep this all
between us, all right?

Oh, hell yeah.

Honestly, I thought
this was just kinda my job,

but Finch don't fink, sir.

God bless you.

Hey, thanks for not ratting on me

for trying to start a civil w*r.

You paid your dues.

The sh*t that happened to you...

you earned a little frustration.

You know, the force field's
not necessary.

I thought my unfinished
business was out there,

but it's in here.

I have to emancipate my mind.

Very good, Lincoln.

Seriously, y-you don't need it.

I honestly feel ashamed
by my actions.

All right, pal.
You got it.

See you around.

[ Whoosh ]

Give me back those gloves!

Oof!

Triple redundancy shimmer.

I just turned off
the LED feature.

No! No, no!
Take down the force field!

Take it down!!

[ Electricity crackles ]

Holy sh*t!
No, thank you!

Wow! No.
No more digital tubes.

Why does my face feel like its
been stabbed with a screwdriver?

Oh. Hey, guys.

How'd your B story
with Lincoln go?

It was okay.
How was your A story?

Meh, pretty good.
We went into her mind.

Discovered some hidden memories.

[ Sighs ]
I thought my mind

was made by a company I loved,

but the truth is,
I worked for the company,

and we were terrible.

I'm a product of my own bullshit,

and I was betrayed by
the person I respected most.

Sounds dumb.

Do you guys ever feel like
you've wasted your past,

put your faith
in the wrong people?

Yeah, we just told you
the thematic connection

between our stories.

Oh. I, uh...
I wasn't listening.

But you said it sounds dumb!

Sorry! Sorry, I...
I'm a little drunk.

Also on theme.

Guess we should
probably catch up?

You wanna shotgun a beer
like a bro?

Nah, think I'll just
stick with the hard stuff.

I bet you would've
done it for Booger.

♪ We've all got
unfinished business ♪

♪ Washing our ba*ls ♪

♪ Every ball is like a Lincoln ♪

♪ Haunting men
with what could be ♪

♪ Wash them gently ♪

♪ Then check each one
for dreams ♪

Pbt! Pbt! Pbt! Pbt!

Pbt! Pbt! Pbt! Pbt!
Pbt! Pbt!

[ Sighs ]

Can't believe I didn't use
those gloves to jerk off.

Linky, what were you thinking?