05x01 - George Gets a Pain in the Ash

[bunniefuu]

Carmen,

Are... You... Pregnant?

Aah!

[Baby crying]

It's a girl, mr. Lopez.

Hi, carmen.

[Cooing]

We've been waiting for you.

I'm your daddy,

And I promise
I'll always take care of you,

And I will always love you
no matter what.

Good.

'Cause I'm gonna piss you off
big-time when I'm 16.

What?

It's pretty funny, dad.

You let my boyfriend
live with us,

Then when he goes to play
pro baseball back east,

I'm gonna
wanna marry him.

You can't get married
when you're 16.

I can in georgia,
if I'm pregnant.

[Laughs wickedly]

Sir, I don't want this one.
Put it back.

Relax. Breathe.

Carmen,

Are... You... Pregnant?

In the house!

Sorry, everybody.
Party's over.

How the hell could you
be pregnant? You're 16.

Wow! Dã©jã  vu.

I had the same fight
with my dad when I was 16,

Except he was chasing me
through the neighborhood

With a machete.

That was back
when they let you be a parent.

Carmen, answer me.

Okay.

I'm not really pregnant.
I just said that

To scare you guys
into letting me marry jason.
[Sighs]

Well, there's no way
you're gettin' married.

Fine. Then I'll just get
pregnant and move to georgia,

[Southern accent]
'cause I don't need

Y'all's consent
to get married there.

Angie, tell me you had
an affair with garth brooks

And that she's not mine.

Carmen, you're too young
to have a baby.

Grandma had a kid
when she was my age.

Mom,
tell her how hard it is

To raise a kid
when you're a teenager.

It was like a nightmare
that wouldn't end.

Thank you.

Carmen, you have
your whole life ahead of you.

If you get pregnant now,
trust me,

You're gonna regret it.

She's right.

Look, there's not a day goes by
I don't regret having children.

You think your mom and I
had these worry lines

Before you were born?
George.

Well, damn it, angie,
we were beautiful.

Jason's moving
all the way to georgia.

If I have to get pregnant
to be with him,

I'll do it.

Carmen,

I'm gonna
tell you something

Your mother and I
were keeping from you

Until you turned 18.

The doctor told us
that if you get pregnant,

You'll die.

George!

You guys can't keep me
from jason any more than you can

[Southern accent]
keep a hungry boll weevil

From a field full of cotton.

Well, if you think
you're getting married,

[Bad southern accent]
you're crazier than

A gravy-covered cat in
a barnyard full of bloodhounds.

[Normal voice]
it's hard. You try it.

Sorry I'm late.

Happy birthday, mr. Lopez.

Thanks.

You know, I didn't know
what I was gonna beat you with

Until right now.

Oh, god.
She told you.

You want some cake,
honey?

Hang on.

Let me take one more swing
at carmen.

You name the golf ba*ls?

Yeah.
See the letters?

"C" is for carmen,
"j" is for jason,

And "b" is for benny.

Why does this one
have an "a" on it?

Uh,
"a" is for anybody.
Mmm.

So you've been
out here awhile.

You've had time to think.
What should we do about carmen?

Nothin'. We're screwed.

That's it?
That's all you've got?

No.

I decided I wanted to be called
papi instead of grandpa.

Now do you wanna be called
granny or nana?

I am not a nana.

This is not the butt
of a nana.

You know, um, this might be
one of the times when

Wisdom from an older generation
would be helpful.

Okay, let's--

What do you think
we should do, daddy?

Nothing. You're screwed,
granny. [Laughs]

I know that sounds mean,

But you put me
through the same thing.

Hey, you married
without my approval,

Although in this case,
unlike you,

Carmen would be running off

With a smart, wealthy man
with a future.

Daddy, when are you
gonna give this up?

George turned out great.

Yeah, well,

Even a blind squirrel
finds a nut eventually.

Stand right there.
I'll find two more.

You know,

The crazy thing is
that in a couple of years,

You will be thrilled for carmen
to marry a boy like jason.

My dad's right,

But I don't know how we're gonna
make carmen wait two years.

I'm out of ideas.

Why don't you
blow out your candle

And make it
your birthday wish?

Ernie's on the phone.

Your mother's house
is on fire.

George.
I used my wish on carmen,
I swear.

[Sirens wailing]

Oh, my god.

[Gasps]
it's the whole house.

Ernie, did you see my mom?
Did she get out?

No. I got here as soon as I
could, but no one's seen her.

You'll have
to move your car, sir.
That's my mom's house.

Hey, I'm sorry.
No one can go in there.

Oh, my god.
Look at all the smoke.

My mom will get out.

She smokes four packs a day.

She's been training for this
her whole life.

Mom!

[w*r's "low rider" playing]

* All my friends

* Know the low rider

* Yeah

Jason's on the couch,

And the kids
are asleep upstairs.

I didn't want
to wake 'em up.

Honey, I am so sorry
about your mom.

This is the last cigarette
she smoked at our house.

It's all I have left
to remember her by.

Actually,
there's another one

Floating
in the downstairs toilet.

Don't flush it, angie,
not yet.

I'm not ready.

I can't believe she's gone.

I mean,
she taught me so much.

By the time I was 5,

I could light a smoke
on the stove

And make a martini dry.

She taught me
how to fix a bologna sandwich

At the grocery store,
angie,

And eat it
before anybody found out.

Yep, there'll never be
another like her.

I never got a chance
to tell you, mom,

But I love you.

God, angie, did he just
come out of the closet?

Why are you crying?

Mom,
I thought you were dead!

What are you do--
get off me!

Ay, guey.

Where have you been?

I was at thirsty's
getting a drink.

I met a trucker.
I got in his cab.

Oh, so that's why
you thought I was dead.

Someone called 'cause
they heard the screams.

Well, he wasn't very flexible
to start with,

But he is now.

Benny,
your house caught on fire.

What?

We thought you were dead, mom.
Your house burned down.

That's not funny.

We're not kidding.

The fireman said
it started in the bedroom.

I mean, did you leave
a cigarette burning?

No,
I'm not an idiot.

I put the cigarette out
in the ashtray.

I dumped the ashtray
into the trash can.

The trash can
by the drapes?

Damn it.

Happy mother's day, benny.

Hope you enjoy
these flammable drapes.

Wait,
I'll go with you.

Daddy, look,
you can't ignore this.

If you won't let me marry jason,
I'm having his baby.

Is there anything
you'd like to say?

When we talked
about having kids,

You said a boy for me
and a girl for you.

Well,
mine's upstairs sleeping.

Good luck with yours.

Jason.
Jason, wake up.

Wake up, jason.

I didn't touch your daughter,
mr. Lopez.

It's just me.
I need to talk to you.

Are you kidding?

Your dad already wants
to k*ll me. Get out of here.

Shh. Do you
really want to marry me?

Yeah.

Well,
our bluff didn't work.

You have to get me pregnant
for real.

Whoa.

C-carmen, a-a baby?

It's so fast.

I mean,
if you breastfeed,

I'll be fighting
my own baby for second base.

Jason...

I love you enough
to have your baby.

Don't you love me enough?

Uh...

Sure.

[Squeals]

Good.

We'll try tomorrow night.

I want our first time
to be perfect,

So I'll rent a really
romantic hotel room,

Buy a sexy outfit,

Oh, and I'll bring
mr. Snuggle bear.

I'll definitely get pregnant
'cause he's my lucky charm.

You're bringing
a stuffed animal?

Oh,

Does it bother you
'cause he's a boy bear?

Yeah,
that's why it bothers me.

Oh,
what time is it?



Oh.

You want some coffee,
benny?

No. My house should be
cool by now.

You know,
I gotta get over there

Before my neighbors
start stealing all my stuff.

Want me
to go with you?

No.
I move faster by myself.

Yeah, that's what you said
during the riots.

They weren't riots.

We were fighting
for robbie king's rights.

Mom, rodney king.

The black guy?

Mornin'.

Carmen, your mom and I
talked last night,

And we made a decision.

You don't
have to get pregnant.

You can marry jason.

What?

Look, we realized
jason's a great guy,

So here's the deal.

We'll throw you
the wedding of your dreams.

All you have to do
is finish high school.

Serious?

Look, we realized it's better
than being pregnant at 16.

This way
you can have a life first

So when you finally
do have kids,

You know exactly why
you resent them...

Why every move they make,
you look at 'em like, "boy..."

So how soon after I graduate
can I get married?

The day after,

'Cause the day after that,

I'm having a big-screen tv
installed in your room.

What?

I thought we were
saving that for a nursery

In case we wanted
to have another baby.

You want to go
through this again?

No.

So it's really happening.

I'm gonna be a june bride!

Jason's gonna be so excited.

Jason,
we have a wedding date!

Jason's not here.

He left this morning
with his suitcase.

Why didn't you
say anything?

Because he said
he'd see me sunday.

Wait,

Maybe he said
he'd see me someday.

Where's jason?

All his stuff is gone,
even his suitcase.

Did you two
have a fight or something?

No.
Last night we had a talk,

And I told him
we had to have a baby.

He was so excited
about being a dad,

He was shaking.

The kind of shaking sprinters do
right before they run?

How could jason just leave
without telling me?

Unless he wanted
to surprise me

By buying our dream house
in georgia!

Or maybe he went
to his other girlfriend's house.

You know,
the one with the brain.

Look, carmen,
why don't you just call

Jason on his cell phone
and ask him what's goin' on?

When she realizes
what just happened,

She is gonna be devastated.

I'll get my clichã©s ready.

You were too good for him.

There are a lot of other fish
in the ocean.

This one's my favorite,

But you gotta sit down
for this one--

Everything happens
for a reason.

You gotta sell that
in the eyes.

Watch that compassion.

"Everything happens
for a reason"?

That's what you said
when my hamster died.

What did you
want me to say?

That mr. Fluffer starved

Because a selfish little boy
got a skateboard

And forgot to feed him?

Yeah, you wish
you had a clichã© now,

Don't you, hamster k*ller?

You should have seen him
tryin' to get water, max.

He went like that.

I got ahold of jason.

Turns out he's not
buying the house.

What?!

He says he thinks
we're moving too fast,

And he's not sure
he's ready to have a baby,

But he did have a great plan on
how to keep our love stronger.

He thinks we should
see other people.

Well, everything happens
for a reason.

What did you
say to him?

Oh, I said,
"baby, date whoever you want,

"But just get it
out of your system by june 17th,

"Because that's when
we're getting married."

But then he must have
gone into a tunnel

Because the line
just cut off,

So I'm gonna
wait a couple minutes

And then call him back.

Well, yeah,
take your time, sweetheart.

You know, that tunnel
leavin' l.a. Is pretty long.

Mom, I'm gonna
go call my bridesmaids.

Okay.

Why doesn't somebody
just tell her jason bailed?

Because she's in denial.

It will be easier for her

To slowly figure this out
on her own.

It's hard
when your first love ends.

I know I must have broken
the hearts of a dozen boys.

Yeah, I broke
a lot of hearts myself.

You'll be
like your old man, max.

What are you
talking about?

I'm the only girl
you ever dated.

Not in front of the boy!
He looks up to me.

Demasculate me,
why don't you?

Hey, check it out.
It's the ghetto mary poppins.

Oh, come on, mom,

I'm just trying to cheer you up,
you dirty little oompa loompa.

Benny, are you okay?

Peachy.

So did anything
survive the fire?

Just this stupid ashtray.
Look at that.

This is the handprint
I made you in first grade.

It meant more to me when I
thought it was an ashtray.

Do you want to use our phone
to call the insurance company?

Insurance is for suckers.

Mom, you don't have
any insurance?

George, I got tired
of throwing away


So I decided to save it.

Then you must have
a pretty good stash in the bank.

Banks are for suckers.

They charge you
all those fees.

You know,
you might as well

Keep your money
in your mattress.

Mom, please say that
mattresses are for suckers.

Yep, they sure are.

How much money
did you lose?

All of it...

$53,000.

[Gasps]

How did you get
that much money in a mattress?

You need at least two people
to smash it down.

Ugh...

George, I lost everything.

After a lifetime
of busting my a*s,

I end up with nothing.

I don't have any money,
no place to live.

George.
Yeah, take it easy.
I'll be here when you get back.

Your mom has nowhere to live.

We can either take her in,

Or she'll be homeless,
living on the streets.

Which street?

George!

So do to her
what she did to my dog--

Take her
to a strange neighborhood,

And when she gets out
to relieve herself,

We take off.

The last thing we see
is her confused face

Lit up by the tail lights.

She be like that.

I'm not saying
that I want her here,

But it's
the right thing to do.

Look, that's easy
for you to say.

We're talkin' about bringing
the hell from my childhood

Into our house.

She's already over here
every night for dinner.

Look, this is different.
This is 24/7.

We're family.
This is what family does.

So, mom...

You wanna stay with us?

What choice do I have?

Man, it just keeps
getting worse for me.

Hey, you're welcome.

Benny, you want me
to make you some breakfast?

You must be hungry.

No.

Thank you, princess.

I've seen
enough burnt things today.

We say
it's a family vacation.

We go to alaska.

We put her in a tuxedo
so she looks like a penguin

And push her out to sea.

You've seen her walk,
angie.

The polar bears won't
know the difference.