05x14 - The Kidney Stays in the Picture

[bunniefuu]

Oh

Are you wearing cologne? Yeah, I got it from under your sink

Dude, that's the crap

Carmen gave me for Christmas

I use that to k*ll

ants around the grill

I just wanted to smell.

There are only two reasons why a boy wants to smell good.

Do he likes a girl or he likes a boy?

You don't have the abs to get a boy, so what's her name?

Christy Chapman.

She put the word out that she likes...

Likes you or like

likes you.

She wrote my name on her arm, and it's been there for two weeks.

She showers as much as you do. You got that in common.

Hey!

What up?

Hey, Ernie.

My boy's becoming a man.

He just found out that a girl likes him.

Like.

like

Oh, hey! Good for you! Thanks!

Hey, just make sure it's not a prank, though.

Because there are some people who write fake notes pretending to be a girl

just to get you to show up at the pep rally in shorty shorts and a mesh shirt.

Dude, I thought you recognized my handwriting.

You made a fool of me in front of the whole school.

But it was pretty damn funny.

I'll see you guys later.

Go get him, stud.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

You're not gonna get your girl walking like that.

I'll see you guys later.

You gotta go single strap, man.

Crap out.

But-

It's too heavy.

There's a ton of books in there.

Forget about the books.

Check it out.

Crab body is sad.

Sup

You smell like cafeteria pizza.

I like cafeteria pizza.

You see how I'm looking at her from the side?

She only gets one eye,

because the other eye is always scoping out

for something better.

Hello.

Now show me a little, okay?

Pretend I'm your girl.

Hey, I want to be someone.

All right.

You're my large but approachable girlfriend.

Okay?

You've got a pretty face, but it's really a shame

what you're doing to yourself.

Let's do this, okay?

Shintail soup, buddy, my style.

She totally knows that you have that same skirt.

God.

Sup, Christy?

Oh, man, don't look at me.

Look through me.

You own me.

Try it again.

SU-

There you go, player. There you go. Come on.

But where's your other eye? Where's the other eye?

No! Not Ernie. You can do better than him.

Hey, you just lost your wingwoman.

I don't play with haters, Susky.

Ahem.

Watch how it's done.

Thanks for watching!

What's up, baby?

You look good this morning.

Yeah.

Whatever.

I don't care.

She's like 30 anyways with two kids.

Max's girlfriend is still here?

Yeah, I'm keeping my eye on them.

I think they might try to kiss.

Mom, no.

Don't.

Smother him. Kids can only grow up if they have freedom.

The best parenting is really just to let them do what they want.

This ought to be good. What do you want?

I want to spend the weekend on Jenny's houseboat.

It'll be totally safe. All the cool kids will be there.

Many of them regular church goers.

You're not going to Lake Take Your Top Off, and that's fine.

Oh, so I can't go to a simple party in the lake,

but the second you leave the room, Max and his girlfriend can make out like monkeys?

They were making out?

Oh, did I say that out loud?

I get gossipy when I'm oppressed.

Max's girlfriend's still here?

Not for long.

Carmen said they were making out when I left the room.

Sweet.

My boy, look at that, he's a Lopez, he's going back for seconds

Time for dinner!

Damn, Angie, you're treating him like a baby.

Why don't you just hold him upside down by his legs

and powder his bottom?

Trustee's got to go.

See you later, Mr. and Mrs. Lopez.

Christy, you can't stay for dinner.

Bye, Christy.

Tomorrow we can hang out at my house.

Yeah, that sounds a little more private.

I love you.

I love you too.

All right, Mom.

Where's this dinner that's so important you had to get all up in my stuff?

Max

I interrupted you because you are moving way too fast.

You're too young to be saying I love you.

Well, she said it to me.

And I really like her, so I set it back.

Whoa, whoa, dude.

I agree with your mother. Kissing is one thing, but Max, you never ever say I love you to a girl.

I mean, that's like covering yourself in bloody meat

and jumping into a shark tank.

George.

I'm teaching our son.

You never say I love you

until you find the one shark

you want to spend the rest of your life with.

But I already said it.

What do I see now if she asks me if I love her?

You go like this, you say.

What do you think?

I'm here, ain't I?

And then, dip and go. You go like that, watch that, dip and go.

Max, why don't you go upstairs and wash up? I need to talk to your father.

You gotta dip and go.

How can you fill his head with all that stuff?

You're trying to turn him into a little player.

Angie, I'm schooling him.

Okay, he's my son, and I just want him to do better with girls than I did in high school.

If he dates one more girl, he'll double your total.

But no one believes I made out with Cindy Figueroa.

Because she passed a flyer around school

that said I did not make out with George Lopez.

I'm not saying she didn't regret it.

I'm just saying it happened.

I just think

Push him into something he's not ready for.

He's not or you're not.

What is that supposed to mean?

You can't keep Max a little boy for the rest of his life.

He will always be my little boy.

And I will always protect him because that's what mothers do.

Yeah, right. That's what mothers do.

Hey, Mom!

Remember when you protected me from new shoes, vitamins, and toys?

Hey, I protected you plenty of times.

Remember that time I threw my body over yours in that car accident?

Mom, your door didn't work. You were trying to get out by climbing over me.

Since when does it make you a good mother to die with your son?

All my friends know the lowrider

The lowrider is a little higher

All my friends know the lowrider

There was hardly any left and I worked out today.

Oh, it's only you.

It's 2.30 in the morning, man.

What are you doing with those sheets?

I'm doing laundry.

Hey, is there something going on?

Do you need to talk, Max?

Because...

I could wake up your mom.

I had this dream that I was kayaking.

And then I thought,

I don't kayak.

And why does this river smell like asparagus?

Oh, man, you peed the bed?

Oh, dude, this is nasty.

I'm sorry, Dad.

Max, you're too old to be doing this.

Grandma said you peed the bed when you were a kid.

Once or twice.

she said you did it all the time damn well she's not perfect either

I was going to tell you what happens when she sneezes.

She'll be like that.

Oh.

Why didn't you wet the bed?

I was going through a lot of stuff.

Max had a lot of emotional discharge that...

manifested itself as Pete.

Maybe I've that too.

Come on, man, what do you have to be worried about?

Chris

She's had a lot of other boyfriends.

What if I'm doing everything wrong?

Max.

Let me give you some advice.

Women love a guy who's potty trained.

I'd stop it if I could.

This happened a bunch of times before.

Maybe it's something else.

Look, it doesn't matter what it is.

Okay, you're 14. It's time to stop.

Suck it up and be a man.

I'll figure it out myself.

Okay.

Obrigado.

Max here's what I did

Thank you.

I stopped drinking anything.

Three hours before I went to bed.

Then I'd set the alarm so I'd wake up at night.

Go to the back.

I'm going to set my alarm right now.

Okay, good.

All right, but don't tell your mom about this, all right?

She already thinks you can't handle a girlfriend.

And if she finds out you're stressing about this, then she'll be right.

And then she'll have the power?

Amen.

I'm proud of you, son.

I'd hug you right now,

but as far as I'm concerned,

you smell like pee, so.

I have to say,

I agree with you on this, George.

I mean, I see no problem

with Max David.

When I was his age in Cuba...

Oh, Vic.

Huh?

Vic, come on, man.

Look, it's late.

I'm tired.

I ain't got time for this, all right?

Just get to the very end

of the story.

Well, the chicken lived,

but the girl had to wear

an eye patch the rest of her life.

Thanks for watching!

Oof.

What are you doing with your sheets?

I guess it's time you knew the truth.

Carmen came into my room and peed in my bed.

And I saw this raven hair, the cinnamon skin, the beauty.

Last line, Vic!

And it turns out it was the exact same chick...

George?

What's going on?

I swear, I didn't drink any water!

I did what you said, and it still happens.

What is he talking about? Did this happen before?

Ugh!

Maybe.

Is there something going on behind my back that you two are keeping from me?

And do you want to fight about this, or do you want to hear one of your father's hilarious chicken stories?

Vic!

Come on, man, don't leave me hanging.

Tell him about the cinnamon chicken with the raven eye.

Mac.

Put those in the washer and then go on up to your room.

I'll be up in a minute with some fresh sheets.

George.

I am his mother. I need to know everything that's going on with Max.

He wet the bed a few nights ago, but I'm dealing with it.

How are you dealing with it?

The Lopez way, but keep it a secret.

You know, if Max has wet the bed repeatedly...

there is the possibility that this is a physical problem.

Does the boy have any other health issues?

No, man, he's fine.

He did have a fever a couple of days ago.

And there was that night he got those strange stomach cramps.

Those weren't so strange.

He got in a contest to see who could finish a whole bucket of gummy worms.

Whose dumb idea was that?

The winner. Thank you.

bedwetting fever maybe cramps

It sounds like he could have a urinary tract infection.

I thought only girls got those.

A boy can get them if he has been sexually active.

But he's so young!

Fourteen is a man in many parts of the world.

In fact.

come on man last lines my father paid the girl with a chicken

Max!

I told you he was ready for a relationship. This is all your fault!

Thank you.

Max.

We need to talk.

The more we talk about my bedwetting, the worse it gets.

Relax. It's not about that. It's about Christy.

Did that little tr*mp steal your virginity?

You have to tell us right now.

What have you and Christy been doing?

Nothing.

Tell the truth.

We just made out.

stuff.

Stop.

All right, I got upstairs outside.

see he's still upstairs he's not anywhere near any of the floors where the bad stuff happens

Look, I'm tired.

If you need me, I'll be sleeping in the-

Tub.

Whoa. Hey, open the drain. I don't want you to drown.

Watch out!

This is taking too long. We should be in there with our son.

He's embarrassed, Angie.

He doesn't want his mom holding his hand when he's being tested for a venereal disease.

What are you looking at?

My son got it from sitting on that truck your kid's playing with.

If Max and Christy did do something, it's your fault for giving them your stupid little player lessons.

I can't help it if my teachings are that powerful.

That's why I don't put it out on video, you know?

Can you imagine if the Chinese got a hold of my technique?

There'd be like a billion of them.

Mr. and Mrs. Lopez?

Can I speak to you?

Thank you.

Max will be out in a minute, but I wanted to tell you

that he does have a urinary tract infection.

Oh, I knew that girl was unclean the minute I saw her,

Angie, the way she walked, the way she looked at him.

Filthy.

Max didn't get this from sexual activity.

How do you know?

We talked about it.

The most he's ever gotten is upstairs, outside, he said.

Well, then how did he get the infection?

Well, I did an ultrasound.

And I found that the tubes

Leading from Max's kidney.

Too narrow.

So as urine's backing up, that's what caused UTI.

That's why he's wetting the bed.

Well, how serious is that?

Max is going to be fine.

We have a surgery.

correct problem.

You're lucky we caught it in time.

Well, what if we hadn't?

Well, your son would have.

developed kidney disease and eventually would have needed a transplant.

God.

He's only wet the bed a few times.

Well, according to Max, he's been wetting the bed for months.

He said he tried to tell you.

So what do we do now?

I can refer you to an excellent kidney surgeon.

Great guy, big house, trophy wife.

Works half my hours.

people told me to specialize but i said what's more special than kids

Now if you'll excuse me

I have to look into the waxy ear of a screaming four-year-old.

Thank you.

Go ahead and say it, I'm a horrible father.

You're not a horrible father.

My son was developing kidney disease, and I just told him to suck it up and be a man.

The important thing is Max is going to be okay.

Gee, what was I thinking?

I mean, my dad died of kidney disease.

Max has my bad genes.

He's got both our genes, George.

Well, look, if he unexpectedly dies of soft hair and long eyelashes,

then it'll be your fault.

This one's on me.

Max, take a seat.

Listen.

I said to suck it up and be a man.

I was wrong.

Yeah, you were.

you know it's just sometimes i'm winging this stuff because i didn't have a dad

It's okay.

No, it's not.

You try to talk to me about something, and I wouldn't listen to you.

Okay, so from now on.

Whenever you want to talk to me, I'll listen, okay, no matter what it is.

Well-

There is something bothering me.

It's okay, son. What is it?

Is my head going to balloon up like yours?

I mean, how did that happen?

Why don't you try staying dry for two days

before you're taking shots at me?

Christy's on the phone.

DAD

What do I tell her?

We should.

Christy?

Hey, it's Mr. Lopez.

I just wanted to give you a heads up, Max is going in for some major surgery.

He would have told you himself, but he didn't want you to worry.

Dad, what are you doing?

Trust me.

Hey, Christy.

What?

She said she's gonna make me brownies.

Hello.

And bring me Skateboard Magazine.

She just said, I love you.

Okay, remember what I told you.

Yeah, I heard you.

I'm here, Ana.

I'm sorry. That was from my dad.

I love you so much.

I got this!

Hey.

Dr. Woodson, what are you doing here?

He came by to check on Max.

He's recovering well from the surgery.

He'll be up and about in no time.

I don't think doctors made house calls anymore.

I got two exes and a gambling problem.

If you could pay me in cash.

So, doctor.

Would you like to make another house call?

I have something you might want to look at.

don't go there mom is a pediatrician not a vet