01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

[lively music playing]

So, what's this meeting about?

I feel like we only come in here
when it's important.

All right, dickheads,
let's make this fast. Time is Bitcoin.

Oh good, Andrew's here.

- So you're obviously fired.
- Wait, what?

Grindset alphas
generally don't repeat themselves.

It's lost productivity.
But I said you're fired!

But I founded the company.

Co-founded.

Are you familiar with the popular
Twitter account @deadstock-bathroom?

My friend Chris put me up on it.

I'm sorry, you probably
know him as "Marshmello."

I've seen him without the bucket.
Not important. [chuckles]

Deadstock Bathroom.

Huh. Never heard of it.
That's a genius idea, though.

Whoever came up with it
probably shouldn't get yelled at.

That's funny,
'cause our legal department determined

that the IP address belonged to you.

Okay, we need to figure out
who's been using my computer.

Start with the janitors.
I'm enemies with all of them.

[growls]

I'm not the one
flushing baby wipes, Wayne.

I am, kinda.

Every day you spend hours in the bathroom,

eavesdropping on your own employees
and then tweeting out their conversations.

Cliff, please, can I just say one thing?

Can't fire me if you can't catch me!

[falls hard then groans]

[groaning]

- [gasping and grunting]
- [dramatic music playing]

[grunts] Sorry.

Stop him!

[Andrew panting]

Coming through!

Don't let him leave! Respectfully!

[gasping]

[yelps then grunts]

Sorry!

That was an accident.

Whoopsie.

[music turns suspenseful]

- [grunting]
- [dramatic music resumes]

- [grunts]
- [employees gasp]

That was a gift from Timothée!

Chalamet. He's a friend.

- [elevator chimes]
- [Cliff] Stop him!

[gasping and groaning]

[woman] Hold it.

- [music fades]
- [scooter whirring]

[tense music playing]

[whimpers]

Hey!

[elevator chimes]

[sighs]

What floor, ma'am?

Oh, I'm not going anywhere.

I'm Lucille, head of HR.

You're fired.

[intense music plays]

- [enchanting music playing]
- [woman] Mmm. So flaky.

The crust is so rough
on my stinky little toes.

[coins clinking]

Ooh! Thank you, Salvatore.

Okay, come on,
you naughty little breadheads.

We're just 2,000 coins away from...

marble rye.

Hi. Sorry. [chuckles] Ignore me.

Andrew, I'm livestreaming.

Pretend I'm not here.
Just go back to your porn sh**t.

Just because guys jack off to it
doesn't make it porn.

And I won't have to do these videos
once I get my job at Klerp.

Klerp?

Kate Hudson's online
newsletter-slash-lip gloss?

They invented the Malbec enema?

Okay, Eunice, you have to stop
putting red wine in your butt.

Everything okay?
You're acting kind of weird.

You know I have trouble
picking up on social cues.

My therapist says I'm a narcissist,

but I think
that's just 'cause she's into me.

Yeah, I'm fine.

I just wanted to hang out with my sister,
so I took the day off.

And also all the other days off
because I was fired.

[gasps]

But they can't fire you.
You pay for all my things!

Don't worry, I can get another job.

What was it I wanted to be
in kindergarten?

Oh, right, a bird.

Andrew, Deadstock is your company.

You have to fight this.

You know what? You're right.

I'm gonna walk right in there
and stand up for myself!

Please, Cliff, please give me my job back!

Think about it.

We built
a world-changing company together.

We built a website where teens
resell fanny packs for $6,000.

And we didn't build it.

I coded it, and I got us funded
by waiting for my grandfather to die.

All you did was sketch
dumb clothing ideas.

Check it out. Jackets, but for your legs.

- Those are ski pants.
- Why must you dim my light?

Fine, yes.

I don't really handle the financial
or technical parts of the business.

But I have my reasons.

It's boring,
and I'm not actually very smart.

Andrew, I'm gonna tell you
what I told Justin Timberlake.

You had a good run, bud, but it's over.

What if we figure out a new role for me?

One where I keep
all of the money and perks

but without any
of the responsibility or work?

- No.
- My lawyer and I will see you in court.

Isn't your lawyer just a guy
you hook up with?

Okay, objection, actually.

We literally hooked up one time,
and it was mostly over-the-pants stuff.

But I am actually not seeing anyone
at the moment, if you wanted to--

Okay, not right now.

Or yes, right now?

No. My first instinct was right?

Uh, you guys can ignore me.
[laughs nervously]

Okay, so the way I see it,
we have two choices.

First, you can prove that this Deadstock
Bathroom Twitter account wasn't yours.

- I don't need to know if it was or not.
- It was.

Uh, again, like,
it's actually better if I don't know.

Well, you do, because it was me.
I just told you.

[groans] Okay, so the only other option

is to prove
that you were wrongfully terminated.

[cell phone chimes]

[dramatic music playing]

[Andrew] Oh my God.

It's my sister.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Can you actually ask Eunice
if I can have my dog back?

She, like, borrowed it
for her Bumble profile pic,

and that was three months ago.

No, no, no. Uh, my older sister, Ruthie.

Okay, well, he needs his medicine
or his kidneys explode!

[lively pop music plays]

- [music stops]
- [elevator chimes]

[enchanting music playing]

[gasps]

Hey, I'm Eunice Dang.
I'm here to interview for the internship?

Oh, someone will be with you in a moment.

In the meantime,
help yourself to a cranial massage.

Cold plunge. Tanning suite.

Theranos that works.

[automated voice]
You have excellent blood pressure...

Oh, nice.

...and cancer.

Wait, what?

[receptionist] Bone broth dispenser.

- [cow moos]
- [dispenser whirring]

[lilting jazz music playing]

And our b*tch therapist.

Sorry, "b*tch therapist"?

Yes, it's a g*y guy
who agrees with anything you say

in a way that goes too far.

So yeah, my boyfriend cheated on me
with my best friend.

I hope she throws up on his d*ck and dies.

[woman] Eunice Dang?

Hi. I like your mug.

[woman gasps] Thanks!

My non-binary friend says it's confusing

in a way that can't possibly be offensive.

And that makes me feel good.

Follow me.

Oh, I love Himalayan salt.

No, actually, this is rose quartz.

Jane started taking her coffee
with different minerals about a month ago.

It's supposed to extend your life,
but every extra year is excruciating.

I'm Greta, by the way.

- Oh, cool, I'm--
- Eunice Dang.

Am I pronouncing that correctly? [gasps]

I'm sorry. That was a microaggression.
What's your Venmo? I'm gonna send you $50.

[groans]

Well, your résumé looks great,
and we'd like to move aggressively.

[softly] Get out!

Uh, sorry. Uh, what are you doing?

Um...

As an Asian person,
I feel like I don't have to answer that.

[gasps] Oh, you're right.
Let me send you another 50.

[cell phone chimes]

Listen, you seem like a great candidate.
Can you come back at four to meet Jane?

Right now, she's doing an active
consciousness cleanse.

- What's that?
- A nap that costs $600.

- What are you doing here?
- You weren't answering your phone.

No one answers their phone.

Calling someone
out of the blue is as*ault.

Ruthie texted. She's in town.

- And she wants to grab... dinner.
- [dramatic sting plays]

- [dramatic sting plays]
- [gasps] Okay, stay calm.

All we have to do is avoid her
until she leaves town.

Easy. I once faked my own death
to get out of a second date.

Wanna guess who's in my coffin?

No.

[lively music playing]

Okay, just grab the essentials.

Phone chargers, socks, makeup,
vibrators, drugs-- Powders only.

We need to travel light.

Right. And we can't let her track us.
Give me your phone.

- [grunting]
- [music stops]

Wait, aren't you gonna do yours?

Uh, no, I just matched
with Ricky Martin on Raya.

- [dramatic sting plays]
- [both scream]

I let myself in.

And this place is disgusting.
There's a rat humping a c*ck.

- [tender music playing]
- [rat squeaks]

[both] Aww!

It's been a will-they-won't-they
for weeks.

I can't believe
you guys live in this dump.

Andrew, didn't you start a tech company?

Look it up. Most tech founder salaries
are literally one dollar.

Because they get billions
in stock options and bonuses.

- In what now?
- So, why the hell are you here?

She means it's so good to see you.

And also, why the hell are you here?

Oh, I just have some meetings.

Or one meeting.

[sighs]

Who's it with?

The head of our New York office.

I'll be leading the account
for a certain electric car company.

Which means I'm in charge
of accidental self-driving casualties!

So, like, cars that m*rder people?

Not m*rder. Unplanned deaths.

We're actually trying
to coin the term "car slaughter."

Anyway, I'll be here more often,

so I'll get to see you guys
actually doing your thing.

Like your little T-shirt company
and your muffin shop.

{\an8}[panicked overlapping dialogue]

{\an8}But it's a Jewish holiday.
People don't know about it.

{\an8}My coworkers and I
pretend not to know each other.

You told Ruthie you own a muffin shop?

Ugh! I told her I worked
with baked goods, which is not a lie.

And I may have said
I invented the cronut, which is a lie.

But that is her fault for believing me.

Okay, this is bad. She's gonna find out
you don't have a muffin shop,

then she's gonna find out I got fired,
and she's gonna be so annoying about it.

[groans] She's always Miss Perfect.

Perfect grades, perfect attendance,
perfect hair, regardless of humidity.

God, I would love to see her
get what's coming to her.

Are you saying we should k*ll her?

- No!
- No, yeah, I know. That would be crazy.

I'm supposed to go back
to Klerp for my next interview.

I cannot deal with her right now.

Can you please
just entertain her for the day?

- But why do I always have to--?
- Because you're you.

I'm just saying,
you're kind of a pushover.

Like, you apologize to literally everyone.

You apologized to your ex
for breaking up with you.

He had a presentation the next day.
I was taking up time with all my crying.

[lively music playing]

I don't understand.
Why can't we go to your office?

Yeah, so crazy.

They're not letting
anyone in the building.

The whole office is full of bugs.

Like bedbugs?

All of 'em. Mm-hm.

All kinds of bugs everywhere.

Andrew, just tell me the truth.

I am.

I... telling you... always the truth... now.

Eunice doesn't really have a job, right?

Hmph! She can't cook or wake up
before 10:00 a.m. or answer a text,

which is insane because
she is constantly on her phone.

She's from a different generation.

There's a new study that says it's
unhealthy for anyone under 28 to read.

- Stop defending Eunice.
- Okay.

No, not okay.

Stop defending Eunice
and stand up for yourself.

Okay, whatever you say.

No! No! No, no, no!

Not whatever I say.
Just... stop being such a pushover.

Why does everyone keep saying that?

Actually, uh... Oh.

Thank you so much.

You weren't done.

I know, but those guys work so hard.

Ooh!

A lot of experience
in fashion merchandising,

retail, social media.

How do you say this word?

Cornell?

Mm. "Cornell."

Eunice, I'm going to be honest with you.

Do I look okay?

Sorry, what?

Like, do I seem fine?

This week, our whole staff is trying
something called "interminable fasting,"

where you don't eat and that's kind of it.

For breakfast, I had lemon juice
and a little bit of hairspray.

I'm not feeling amazing.

Well, if it helps,
you're still incredibly rich and powerful.

You know what, Eunice? That does help.

You're hired!

Talk to Greta,
and she will set you up at her old desk.

Oh, and, Eunice?

Yes?

"Cornell."

- What do you want to do for dinner?
- I could do anything.

Italian?

Can't have cheese.
Lactose. Or pasta. Gluten.

- Thai?
- Peanuts, shellfish, coconut milk.

- Indian?
- That would literally k*ll me.

Oh! Andrew, you need to see a doctor.
You clearly have IBS or something.

I don't want to talk about my... issues.
I'm fine.

Okay, you're not. I don't want you to poop
your pants like on the school bus.

Okay, first of all,
that was a long time ago.

The kids I was chaperoning barely noticed,
and I'm...

[fart squeaking]

Nope. Yup.

[fart continues]

Just air.

[fart continues]

I'm all good.

[humming lilting melody]

- Eunice?
- [gasps] I brought this from home!

Oh, yes, well, there's a g*y man here
to see you in the lobby.

I was told he was a man.
I don't see gender.

But he's definitely g*y.
It was that powerful.

What the hell, Andrew?
I told you to take her for the day.

I know, but Ruthie's exhausting.

She's making me count her steps by hand
so she can calibrate her Apple Watch.

Andrew, 22.

Bathroom keys are disgusting
and should be ill*gal. Thanks.

So, this is your office, huh?

Not sure I would have used this much pink,
but then, I like to be taken seriously.

You guys can't be here right now.

Wow, you're 26 and you just got
an unpaid internship. Impressive.

Hey, she gets paid sometimes.
She's Breadfeet.

- Okay, what?
- [groans]

Horny men and a few women with
eating disorders pay me to step on bread.

So it's basically porn.

Um, if porn is just whatever people
masturbate to, then is Bugs Bunny porn?

And why are you getting on my case?
Andrew's the one who was fired.

You were?

Was I fired? Yes.

But do I have a plan to prove
I was wrongfully terminated?

Not yet. That's kinda my whole weekend.

[scoffs] You two are hopeless.

I would say you should be ashamed
to live like this,

but you've both dated the same magician,
so you're clearly incapable of shame.

Fine! You win, okay?

You're rich and hot,

and you don't have to use Klarna
to buy groceries,

and you never have UTIs so consistent

you have no idea
when you actually have to pee!

Andrew, are you gonna let her
talk to me like that?

You know what? I am.

I'm done being a pushover,
and it's not because you told me to.

It's because Eunice told me to.

- So there.
- [grunts]

[suspenseful music playing]

[sobbing hysterically]

My life is over!

Andrew!

I cheated on Warren with Peter,
and Warren found out,

and now I might be pregnant!

- [dramatic sting plays]
- [gasps]

Sorry, Ricky Martin is asking
for my social security number?

So he's really into me, right?

So you cheated on Warren with Peter,
who is a partner at your firm.

- You had sex with your boss?
- What? No!

I'm also a partner. I told you this.

Anyway, Peter was visiting San Francisco,

and we were in my office one night,
and I started to get a vibe.

[Andrew] How could you tell?

[Ruthie] Well,
he started to sit closer to me.

- And then our legs touched.
- [gentle classical music playing]

And then he leaned over and said...

You know, you've got some
nice big milk jug t*tties.

Yikes.

I know. So hot, right?

I guess.

[Ruthie] Obviously,
I didn't know what to say, but he said...

Then let that fat a*s do the talkin'.

[Eunice] Oh my God.

[Ruthie] I know!

My a*s is medium at best, but to him...

it was perfect.

There was only one problem.

He was married.

You're also married.

But then something amazing happened.

He left his wife?

No, she got really sick.

Oh jeez, with what?

I don't know. Cancer, rosacea, who cares?

We got more reckless.

- And one night, he was boning me down.
- [sensual jazz music playing]

I mean, he was really up in me good.

When Warren came home early from D&D.

- Darling, I'm home early.
- [Ruthie moaning]

The Dungeon Master let me go
because I was crying too much.

[gasps] Oh no!

[Ruthie] It was a disaster.

Oh my God, did he and Peter fight?

Worse.

Warren let us finish
and brought us towels.

He kept trying to
make small talk with Peter.

So, what you up to after this?

Bit more sex, or...?

So of course I had to break up with him.

- Peter?
- No. Warren.

God, it's like you're not even listening!

And then last month, I missed my period
and I peed on one of those... things.

And I'm pregnant.

I feel like I have to keep it,
you know, because I'm old as hell.

If I don't have a kid,
I'm gonna have to leave my money to...

charity.

[Ruthie sobbing]

Oh, guys, I'm so screwed.

I broke up with Warren,
but Peter still hasn't left his wife.

Everything is ruined.

Why are you smiling?

Why are you both smiling?

You're one of us now.

No, I'm not. I am still better than you.

I am Delta Ultra Diamond Medallion.
Once a year, they let me fly the plane.

Ruthie, you ruined your life
'cause you got too horny.

That is absolutely something we would do.

You're one of us now.

[in unison] One of us!
One of us! One of us!

Guess you're one of us now,
you stupid pregnant b*tch!

[lively percussive music plays]

[Andrew] You think we were
a little harsh with Ruthie?

We should go check on her.

Oh, I agree.
We should go swim in her hotel pool.

No, I'm saying we should apologize.

Right, we can say we're her guests

and then charge margaritas to her room
until they call the cops.

No, Eunice, she was really upset.

I feel like we're saying the same thing.

It appears Ms. Dang
checked out about half an hour ago.

Mm-hm. I see, and would we still be able
to charge room service to her

even though she's no longer a guest?

Eunice, this is bad.

Did she say anything as she was leaving?

Yes, she said that if we didn't fix
the water pressure in the shower,

she'd make sure
my kids never get into college

and that I shouldn't tell her siblings
that she was headed to the airport.

Oh God.

Savannah, sweetie,
what do we think of trade schools?

- [Andrew] Uh-oh.
- What?

So, I called Delta Ultra Diamond Medallion
and used her verbal password.

- RupertMurdochHot.
- RupertMurdochHot.

And it turns out
she's flying home to Boston.

She's gonna tell Mom and Dad.

Huh, sucks for her.

Wanna buy ice cream cake and eat it
in front of the big window at SoulCycle?

Eunice, Ruthie came to us
because she needed us,

and we just laughed in her face.

Can't you have some empathy?

My God, you're right.

You got fired,

Ruthie blew up her marriage
and her career,

I'm the only one with a job right now.

That means everyone's
going to come to me for help.

I don't want that!

I finally know what empathy feels like!

We have to help her.

Okay, that's definitely not
what empathy is, but let's go.

[tense music playing]

- I don't think we're gonna make it.
- Hold on.

[chiming]

[music intensifies]

Back of the line, please.

Sorry, I'm confused, Salvatore.

Do I take my shoes off here, or...?

- [sensual pop music playing]
- [woman] Hey, that's my sandwich!

Oh my God.

It's you.

Sorry, mistress. Go on through.

Still think it's a crime
to put trackers on my subscribers?

Yes!

[man speaking indistinctly over PA]

Well, aren't you the cutest thing?
How old are you?

- Seven.
- Interesting.

Families with young children
can pre-board,

but this child is over the limit.

- He's practically pubescent.
- [Andrew] Ruthie!

Don't get on that plane!

- [both panting]
- [tender music playing]

You can't leave.
You have to stay here, please.

- Andrew...
- Look, I was a jerk.

I admit that.

But it's only because
you're so damn perfect all the time.

Seeing you like this,
it honestly makes you more human,

and that's okay.

I wish you could see that.

I love you, Ruthie.

What do I need to do to make you stay?

[crowd] Kiss her! Kiss her! Kiss her!

Ew! No!

They really want us to.

He's my brother!

- Yeah!
- [crowd] Ugh!

I mean, uh, boo!

Look, just 'cause you screwed up your life

doesn't mean you have to give up
and move back in with Mom and Dad.

And no one should move
to Boston voluntarily.

Well, what else am I supposed to do?

Stay with us, just for a week.

We'll try to help as much as we can,
which won't be a lot, by the way.

We have very full lives.

We found a bag of loose pills,
and we're trying a new one every night.

Shall we split a cab back to the city?

That's, what, an hour drive, at least?
I'm gonna need to use the bathroom first.

Wait, that gives me an idea.

Is the idea that you also need to poop?

You're threatening to sue
over wrongful termination?

You must be The Jerky Boys,
'cause you're making me laugh.

It may be true that my client was behind
the Deadstock Bathroom account,

but you never bothered to ask why
he spent hours in the bathroom every day.

It's because he has IBS.

Irritable bowel syndrome.
I have to go all the time.

According to my doctor,
my hole is a wreck.

- Highly doubt he said that.
- "She."

Wow. Sexist too.

It is our belief that you terminated him

because of a serious
pre-existing medical condition.

If he's your client, then why is he here?

I am here for, um, emotional support

and physical support,
if that's what you need.

So, what, you want your job back?

- No, I hate my job.
- Then what do you want?

Most of you probably know him,
but this is Andrew Dang.

Starting today, he'll be heading up
our in-house apparel line.

It's part of the business
I truly don't care about, and honestly,

the whole point of it
is so I can avoid paying taxes.

You all heard that?
Well, you're all accomplices now.

So anyone that blows the whistle,
we're all going down.

Wait, but aren't you
the founder of the company?

Co-founder. I started it with Cliff.

But he's the CEO,
and you work down here with us.

So I guess my question is,
oof, that sucks for you, huh?

Not really a question.

Nah, it is
because I said "huh" at the end.

Uh, okay, yes, I did get demoted,

but I'll have way less responsibility now,
and that works for me.

Plus, design has always been
my real passion.

Give me your wildest clothing ideas
and let's make them real together.

- Okay, so you know jackets, right?
- Uh-huh.

What about those for your legs?

- You're my new best friend.
- Whoo-hoo!

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you
threatened Cliff and got my job back.

I just wish for once
I was able to stand up for myself.

You guys are right. I am a pushover.

That is not true.

If you hadn't stopped me
from getting on that plane,

I'd be back in Boston

doing whatever it is
that people in Boston do.

- Racism.
- Yeah, no, it's racism.

Look, you're a weirdo and a coward,

and you're convinced
everyone's always mad at you,

but that doesn't make you a pushover.

- It makes you a middle child.
- [tender music playing]

It's the three B's of birth order.

The oldest is the bully,
the youngest is the baby,

and the middle child is the little b*tch.

You're the sticky, conflict-avoidant glue
that holds us together.

Without you, there is only chaos.

- Eunice, how was the first day of work?
- [music fades]

Oh, you don't have to pretend to--

I just wanna establish
a fun new dynamic for us, you know?

Especially now that I'm moving here.

You're what now?

Yeah, well, Peter lives here,

and I figure it'll be easier to co-parent
if we're in the same city.

So, what do you guys do for fun?

Mostly? Drugs.
Tonight we're trying the pink ones.

They're either Benadryl
or the pills they give dogs for surgery.

- You want some?
- No.

I'm pregnant, remember?

Right, right, right.

Hmm. I don't feel anything. Must be Bena--

Nope.

Dog pills.

♪ I'm selfish, I'm reckless ♪

♪ You called me a brat ♪

♪ I'm such a princess ♪

♪ Don't care or regret we met ♪

♪ I just take what I want ♪

♪ I'm a mess, a thunderstorm ♪

♪ It would be better for the world ♪

♪ If I was never born ♪

♪ Whatever, whatever ♪

♪ The bad thing forever ♪

♪ Whatever, whatever ♪

♪ Wake me up ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Don't rein me in ♪

♪ Yeah, I ♪

♪ Don't care at all ♪

[song ends]