01x03 - The Davenport School for Fancy Boys

[bunniefuu]

[mellow music playing]

[Ruthie] You're not getting it.

My client has revolutionized
the ride-share experience at scale.

Imagine a way to transport
hundreds of people

on regularly scheduled mega-Ubers

that operate on fixed routes
throughout the city.

I still feel like you're describing a bus.

- You're not getting it.
- [stomach gurgles]

My IBS.

I... [groans]

- I don't know if I can make it home.
- Just go in the bar.

{\an8}But the sign says
bathrooms are for patrons only.

- [scoffs]
- [yelps]

- [toilet flushes]
- [sighs] Ah.

[man] What can I get you?

Oh, uh-- I'm, uh... Eh...

Nothing. [laughs nervously] I'm good.

[sighs] So you only came in here
to use the bathroom?

What? No. I'm gonna order something.
[laughs nervously]

I'm just, uh... waiting for a friend.

What's his name?

Um...

You don't know your friend's name?

It's my, uh, wife's friend. From college.

UNC. Green... Town.

Go Bugs!

You know all that, but not his name.

His name is...

- [tense music playing]
- Uh...

Pizza. f*ck.

Pete... Sa-lamon.

Pete Solomon. That's it.

Aw, Pete is running late.
I guess I'll... order.

What is taking him so long?

Oh, I'm so bored. [gasps]

Wanna pour hot coffee into a mailbox?

That's it, I'm going in.

And after my fifth and last Olympics,

I sat down with my wife Kylie
and asked her,

"Who am I, really,

outside of being the best
short track speed skater in the world?"

Damn, Jeremiah. You've really lived.

Let me go check on the shrimp.

We've been waiting forever.
What the hell is going on?

I lied to use the bathroom,
then doubled down on the lie,

now I can't tell which part is real!

All I know for sure
is my name is Jeremiah,

and my life is here now.

So you've already
used the bathroom? Leave!

I can't. I told him
I'm here to confront Pete.

I think my wife Kylie Minogue,
yes, the Kylie Minogue,

and Pete are having an affair.

[man] Popcorn shrimp on the house, buddy.

[clicks tongue]

Dude, you're allergic to shrimp.

Yeah, I am, but Jeremiah isn't.

[theme music playing]

[theme music fades]

Which picture of my fetus
makes him seem hotter?

- How do you know your baby's a boy?
- Has to be.

Can you imagine me with a girl?

Living her whole life in my shadow?

Having everyone confuse us for sisters
like they do with us?

We are sisters.

Yes, but they mean it
as a compliment for me.

Ugh. Whatever, I'd be hot too
if I only weighed ten ounces.

Come on, you guys.
I need this for my interview tomorrow.

What interview?

Sorry, I zone out
if I haven't heard my name in 30 seconds.

For the Davenport School for Fancy Boys.

New York schools are so competitive
that they're doing admissions in utero.

You'll probably get in, right?
'Cause you're diverse?

Well, this school actually has
a large Asian population.

No, I mean diverse as in, like,

your life is messed up
in, like, a diversity of ways.

You're Asian,
but you're also mean and lame and alone.

You are wrong, as usual.

Peter and I are still together,

and he is planning
on being a super-involved co-parent.

He's coming to the interview with me.

Does he even have your number
in his phone?

Of course he does.

I'm saved as Domino's Customer Service
in case I call when he's with his wife.

- He's not an idiot.
- [cell phone rings]

[squeals] It's Peter.

- [cell phone chimes]
- Hi, Petey-pie.

Hey, listen, I wanted to be there
in person for the thing, uh,

but my dumbass assistant forgot to tell me
that it's my wife's birthday tomorrow.

So you're missing the interview?

No, no, no, I'll be there.
I have a solution.

[man] Our alumni include
two Nobel laureates,

three Pulitzer winners,
and several exonerated w*r criminals.

Oh. What are those paintings?

We had the students
do finger paintings of their nannies.

Look, this one's getting arrested
for breaking a wine glass.

We love that. Right, Peter?

You can't park there!

Oh, you're handicapped? Prove it.

You know, not every child
is Davenport material.

I'm sure your son will be fine
earning in the low six figures.

[gasps] How will he afford vacation?

[lively music playing]

[Cliff] Big news.

Travis Barker's not mad at me anymore.

Did I tell you about that fight we got in?
Crazy, long story.

In other news, we got interest
from very important people at Fei Hua,

the billion-dollar Chinese conglomerate.

They made the hologram
for Kiernan Shipka's sweet 16.

- Wow.
- So cool.

They're interested in a potential
Lunar New Year collab with Deadstock.

Their U.S. rep is coming
to hear our pitch.

This could be huge.
Andrew, you're in charge.

What? Why? [scoffs]
Is it because I'm Asian?

- Yeah, wasn't that clear?
- Okay.

Sure, I can do this.

I love Lunar New Year.

Can't wait for the Year of the, uh...

- Panda.
- Horse.

Uh, we call them sex workers now.

Can you believe Cliff?

Yeah, just 'cause you're Asian

doesn't mean you know anything
about Lunar New Year.

I know. Hey, you're Asian.
You must know about Lunar New Year.

Not really.
I'm like sixth generation Korean.

My grandma was a real estate agent
named Becky.

[lively music playing]

Peter will step it up eventually, right?

Probably not. Hey, do you know
what Mom and Dad did for Lunar New Year?

All I remember is there was a ton of food,
Dad drank too much,

the Budweiser frogs were there.

- That was the Super Bowl.
- Well, I don't know about that either!

[scoffs] This would all be so much easier
if Peter wasn't such a great lover.

He always wears headphones during sex.

I finally asked him
what he was listening to,

and he said the audiobook of Moneyball.

Gross, stop.

You can't keep talking to me
about this stuff.

You need to see a therapist.

[scoffs] I've tried therapy.

I think you have trouble
taking advice from people.

No, I have trouble taking advice
from people who went to Rutgers.

Never doing it again.

Therapists are just astrologists
for people who read.

Astrologists don't read?

Spoken like a typical Pisskiss.

- Pisces.
- [gasps]

That's how it's pronounced?
Oh, that's so much better.

I am just saying
that astrology and therapy don't work.

Oh, yeah? When's your birthday?

You don't know your sister's birthday?

How can I be expected
to remember everyone's birthday?

The same as Benji and Joel Madden's.

Okay, March 11th.
Why didn't you start with that?

[beeping]

Yup, this explains everything.

You're totally incompatible with Peter,
who is a Taurus,

and Warren, who is a Cancer.

I always say that. "Warren is a cancer."

He's not that bad.

Is Warren annoying? Yes.

Does he follow too many Pomeranians
on Instagram? Yes.

Is that why I cheated on him
with Peter? Partly.

Okay, let me see.

Maybe the Chinese zodiac
has a different outlook.

Nope. You're Year of the Dragon,

so the Chinese zodiac
says you're incompatible

and you should have sex with a Goat.

Not a real goat, unless that goat
was born in the Year of the Rooster.

[poignant music playing]

[chiming]

What?! Oh, it's you.

- What.
- Peter, I've done some thinking.

And I've decided
it's time I stand up for myself.

I am not going to keep waiting
for you to be part of my life,

part of our family's life.

If you can't commit to being there for us,
well, then, I guess this is over.

- Okay.
- I know this probably comes as a shock.

Right now it seems catastrophic,
and you're probably confused.

- Nah, I'm good.
- You're... good?

Okay, then. We are done.

Ruthie, don't hang up.
I need to tell you something.

You love me? I know.

Tell the kid to get on Propecia early.
Would have saved me a fortune on plugs.

[chimes]

[poignant music continues]

I don't want takeout or delivery.

I want a concise, cultural explanation
of Lunar New Year.

Okay, fine, egg rolls.

You're Asian, and you seem to know
a lot about the Chinese zodiac.

I'm supposed to design
a Lunar New Year capsule collection,

but I've got no good ideas.

Ooh! We can start with your horoscope.
It can be inspo.

- There is a dark cloud approaching.
- [ominous music playing]

Personal and professional catastrophe
will befall you for the next 24 months.

But as they say,
"Every cloud has a silver lining."

That doesn't apply here.

[thunder crashes]

This one's just a cloud.

Buckle up, dickhead.

The darkest day of your past
will soon seem like your happiest memory.

- Eat sh*t and die.
- [thunder crashes]

Jesus! What site is this?

ChinaFunFacts.org.

And it says I'm gonna have
two years of bad luck?

[scoffs] You don't really
believe this stuff, do you?

Andrew, it's science.

Next, you're going to tell me
you don't believe in math

or physics or Reiki or airbending.

Eunice, this is crazy. I'll be fine.

- [screams]
- [thuds]

That's not bad luck!
Our building has a termite problem.

[lively music playing]

[music stops]

What are you two doing?

I am numbing myself out before work.

And I'm trying to remember
what I'm wearing without looking down.

I'm gonna stop asking questions
about your life.

Anyways, I thought long and hard
about your advice to talk to a therapist.

I realized it was stupid,
and I figured out a smarter solution.

Did somebody say Warren?

No?

Oh well. Nevertheless.

You remember Warren.

I was so happy to get Ruthie's call.

I was absolutely gutted without her.

All mizzy-miz without my Roo-Roo.

[both] Ugh.

What? What's that look?

With Peter out of the picture,
he is my only option.

But he sucks!

Cheating on him
was the coolest thing you ever did.

- No offense, Warren.
- [laughs] None taken.

Warren is like if a butt was a person.

- Sorry, Warren.
- [laughs] I've been called worse.

Yes, we can all agree Warren sucks.

But maybe he sucks in the right ways.

And if we want the school
to think I have a nice, stable life,

then Warren is perfect.

There's no one out there
as stable as Warren.

Oh, I can be naughty too.

I've been known to rock out
at a Norah Jones concert.

[rock music playing]

[panting]

Wait, wait, wait!

No!

[brakes screeching]

[man over PA] All Manhattan-bound
D trains are delayed

for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

We're drunk on our own power,
and it feels incredible.

[groans]

- [rock music continues]
- [panting]

- Ew!
- [pigeon coos]

[yelps]

No! [grunts]

- [horse whinnies]
- [grunts then groans]

You're making something out of nothing.
Commuting in New York is always the worst.

One time, I was on an A train
that got stuck between stations for hours.

I watched a guy piss his pants,
and then I watched it dry,

and then I watched him
do it a second time.

Yeah, you're right.

Uh, maybe it's not bad luck.
Maybe it's just in my head.

[upbeat music plays]

Hey, girlinas.

I know I'm new here,

but I need to take
the rest of the week off.

Uh, okay,
but you already took last week off

to watch all the Despicable Mes
in preparation for 5.

And the week before, you convinced us
Sunday scaries was a medical condition.

Okay, but this time it's for real.

My brother is having
an astrological emergency.

[both gasp]

[alarm blaring]

But Mercury's not supposed
to be in retrograde for another week.

It's the Chinese zodiac.

What's that? Wait, don't tell me.
I want to do the work.

Eunice, take as much time as you need.

I want to give you something very special
to help you on your spiritual journey.

- Is this--
- It's money, yes!

[Ruthie] Thank you so much
for agreeing to give us a second chance.

Sorry, but who is this?

Warren. It's an absolute
pleasure to meet you.

I'm confused. Are you the father, or--

Well, no, Peter is.

- But, um, Warren...
- [chuckles]

I suppose we're a bit complicated.

Ruthie and I hit a rough patch,
and during that time,

Peter provided the emotional support
that I could not.

But now Ruthie has allowed me
back into her life,

and I'm ready to co-parent in any way
that will further our little one's growth.

Look, we can't offer this child
a traditional family,

but we can offer him one thing: love.

From not two, but three loving parents.

I see. Wow.

It's a genuine delight
to meet you, Warren.

You two are the exact kind of parents
we want to have here at Davenport.

I have a very good feeling
about your application.

[ethereal pensive music playing]

Wow, this place looks great, Eunice.

This egg is cool.

Oh, you probably don't want to touch that.
It was just in Jane.

[thuds]

Andrew, this is Mr. Vernon Wu
from Fei Hua.

Pleasure to meet you. A gift.

If you use the QR code on the shirts,
it will scan your face

and make you look like a funny old person,

which may or may not be used
to identify you in a protest.

Andrew over here
begged to take on this project.

He promised he could make it
culturally accurate, under budget,

and completely revolutionary.

His words.

Are you decorating right now?

I am, because we're so ahead of schedule
with the Lunar New Year collection.

We're basically done.

And by basically, I mean we are.
Wanna see?

You can't, silly b*tch. Not yet.
You're not a silly b*tch.

I don't know why I called you that.
In conclusion, end of sentence.

I'm pleased to hear.

Cliff, I want to see the snack bar now
and experience Cool Ranch.

He really bought that?

Eunice, I think
the feng shui stuff is working.

Duh! Oh, wait. Too many fish.

We want exactly eight for good luck.

[grunts] Be free!

[classical music playing]

Ruthie, I meant what I said
in that interview.

Though our time as a couple
has run its course,

whatever you need me for,
whatever that child needs me for,

I will be there.

Waiter, one New York cheesecake,
two spoons.

We're celebrating.

And what are we celebrating?

I'm going to be the father to the child
of the man who had sex with my wife.

You don't have to include that last part.

You're touching me.

If I could achieve tumescence
without a pill, I would.

To Davenport.

- [ethereal pensive music playing]
- Wow, so this is Asian culture.

- That's just a humidifier.
- Mm.

And do you pray to it, or...?

The laptop is working.

This is great. I feel great.

So why don't I have any good ideas?

You've got time.

There's still a few days
before the presentation.

Yo! Change of plans. I'm moving
the presentation up to tomorrow.

Why would you do that?

To mess with you.
That's my whole sh*t. Keep up.

Besides, didn't you say
you were way ahead of schedule?

Uh, yeah, super ahead.

They actually call me "ahead of lettuce."

- Do they?
- They don't.

Eh.

Please explode. Cook me like Sylvia Plath.

[Warren moaning]

How does that feel, my love?

It's good.

And do I continue to have your consent?

You asked me that like 30 seconds ago.

It's important to seek consent
at various points throughout coitus.

Consent is a conversation.
You know who said that?

- Brené Brown?
- Brené Brown, that's right.

Ooh, fun.
You know, you don't have to speak.

[moans] Oh!

You're so beautiful right now.
Like Venus emerging from the ocean.

[moaning]

Ruthie, my love. [moaning]

- Yeah?
- I just need you to say one last thing.

Yeah, I'd rather not.

Say it for me.

I don't know.

I'm so close.

- I love you.
- [wails]

[laughs then sighs]

♪ You'll believe God is a woman ♪

Oh. Careful where you put your hands.
My willy is quite sensy.

[groans then laughs weakly]

[dramatic music playing]

[music crescendos]

[music stops]

Ugh! This sucks!

[cell phone buzzes]

Can you come home?
The lights are doing that thing again.

- What thing?
- Being on.

I already laid down.

I've tried everything.

Throwing things at it...

I guess I only tried that.

I'm sorry, but I'm stuck
in the office all night.

The feng shui didn't work.

The presentation is tomorrow
and I still have nothing.

What if this collection is terrible?

Stop worrying.
It's definitely gonna be terrible.

- Why would you say that?
- I'm saying it's not your fault.

What's great about astrology
is that nothing is on you.

It's the moon and the stars and sh*t.
Don't you get it?

I'm toxic, but not by choice.

It's my Scorpio moon.

I'm supposed to be cat-sitting
for a friend right now,

and I forgot which friend.

If only something could be done, but no.

So what you're saying is,

there's nothing I can do
to make my presentation successful,

so why am I trying so hard?

Exactly.

Holy sh*t, you're right.
I should just not care.

What is this feeling?

Freedom, Andrew.
Like Nicole Kidman after her divorce.

You are now free to make your Bewitched.

[grunts]

Yes!

Wake up, my love.

I've prepared a full English breakfast.

Beans, more beans, and one hot tomato.

Don't worry, it's wrinkly.

That's so nice of you.

I know, I know, I've left out the sausage.
But the grocer was out of sheep's blood.

Look, Warren, I think we need to--

Get ready for our final interview
at Davenport?

One step ahead of you.

I had Mother airmail my head boy's uniform
from Featheringstindon.

It's the same one I was wearing
when Benedict Cumberbatch

slammed my head against the urinal.

- Take that off right now.
- Straightaway.

[upbeat music playing]

[music stops]

Ah!

Why would you come all the way from China
to eat Panda Express?

No, we don't have it.

In Shanghai, it's ill*gal
to put this much sugar on meat.

- Where's your designer?
- [door opens]

Morning, boys.

- You're an hour late.
- Why is he in a bathrobe?

[chuckles]

"Why?" That's such a meaningless question.

The answer is always the same. Fate.

Um, what?

The zodiac, baby.

You think the sun and tides
care about some stupid clothes?

Get real.

Boom. The Deadstock x Fei Hua
Lunar New Year Capsule Collection.

So you took the shirts I gifted you
and basically did nothing to them.

That's right.
I put in minimum effort and work.

Mr. Wu, sir, I'm so sorry.

This is insulting to Fei Hua
and you personally.

As our client, if you'd like me
to fire Andrew right here

in front of all of these people,

I'm obligated to do it.

Just say the word.

This

is

genius.

- What now?
- Really?

Fei Hua produced these shirts in bulk.

We can't sell them.

They were translated from English
and we switched the Chinese characters.

What's bad about that?

Well, we meant to advertise
our seniors-only dating app,

and it now says,
"Meet hot underage singles in your area."

Okay, yeah, that's bad.

We're 100% in.
I'm going to call my boss right now.

But, Mr. Wu, a child could make this.

Not only could they, they will.

[lilting music playing]

I must admit, walking these halls,

imagining our little one
thriving academically,

I mustn't be the only one
feeling a little randy.

- You are.
- What do you say?

Shall we whisk ourselves
into the art room,

have a rendezvous atop the tempera paints?

I'm good.

May I at least rub my little tash
on the back of your neck?

Mmm.

[groans]

I can't do this anymore.

Why? Was it the sex?

It was the sex, wasn't it?

I'll take my shoes off next time.

It's not about the sex.

I mean, don't get me wrong,
the sex is horrendous.

You must know this.

It's also just the way you are, fundamentally.

Ruthie, I know this is a hard time,

and I'm here to give you
any support you need.

That's why I put a deposit down
on a pied-à-terre here in the city.

[grunts] Oh my God.
I don't know why I did that. Pure reflex.

No, no, I deserved it.

I should have prefaced my big news

by saying something clever like,
"spoiler alert."

- [grunts]
- I get it.

You're worried that more than one
male role model will confuse the baby.

I've thought of that,

and I'll wear a mask
with Peter's face on it.

A sort of Mr. Doubtfire, as it were.

I changed my mind.

I don't want you in the baby's life,
or my life.

Your p*nis looks like
the worm from Richard Scarry.

I've heard that before, sister.

Get out!

[laughs then clears throat]

Now, where were we?

You must know you're not
getting into this school, right?

What? Why?

At Davenport, we don't accept children
from single-parent households.

We believe that every family
should have a mother, a father,

two nannies, a driver,
and a basset hound with a secret.

Your application is rejected.

Okay, who cares anyway?

It's not like the ABCs
are different for rich kids.

They actually are.

We introduced a new letter
this year called "gree."

[percussive music plays then fades]

Sandy Liang tank top, Acne jeans,
socks I stole from the bowling alley.

Correct. Oh, here's your egg.

Oh, you didn't need to bring it back.
Jane lays 12 a month.

Guess what? Fei Hua loved my collection.

I guess my horoscope was wrong.
Not all my luck was bad.

That's the thing about astrology.

Sometimes the predictions
can mean the opposite.

Kind of like in tarot, the death card
can mean new beginnings.

But also sometimes, it means
you'll get crushed by an air conditioner.

So by that logic,

astrology is always right
even when it's wrong?

- Especially when it's wrong.
- [gentle music playing]

I can't help thinking
maybe this was all a huge mistake.

I broke up with Peter and Warren,
and now I'm all alone again.

There is no guy in the picture
to help me take care of this kid.

No, you did the right thing.
They're both terrible.

Also, you're rich. You don't need a man.

You can hire a nanny
or buy another baby if this one sucks.

Plus, you live in New York in 2026.

There are emotionally unavailable men
to have sex with everywhere.

Okay. But where?

[yelps]

Sorry, didn't see you.

That's okay. What are you listening to?

Audiobook of Moneyball.
Don't expect you to know what that is.

It's about sports and math.

Sounds hard. Can you explain it to me?

[theme music playing]