01x05 - Hogslut Rodeo

[bunniefuu]

[lively pop music playing]

Aw, I love that we live in a place where
there are safe spaces for q*eer people.

Right? Those g*y guys
probably deal with the same issues

and have the same conversations
that we all do.

So, Gavin's actually not gonna make it.
He got fisted so hard he exploded.

- [gasping]
- Poor guy.

He loved fisting.

Is the Hogslut Rodeo party this weekend?

Is it? That's the day
I'm getting my hole rejuvenated,

so me and Dave are out.

Wait, why can't I go?

Because we're married?

And we're g*y.

All we share
is a checking account, ill*gal drugs,

and a rescue dog who's a nightmare.

Ugh. Do we even need to go?
Here's an idea.

What if you guys go,
and me and Andrew stay home

and we kissed a little bit?

- You wanna try it?
- Wait, why don't you ask Eddie?

[intense rock music playing]

[scoffs] Are you crazy?

Oh, come on. This would give you
an excuse to talk to him.

Uh, we've talked, okay?

He asked if you had a lighter,
and you screamed and ran away.

Hey! Andrew Dang!

Kevin Lu?

Andrew, who is that?

We used to go
to the same evangelical church together.

I don't think he knows I'm g*y.

And now he never will.

Ugh. Well, I hate his hair.

Unless you like it, in which case
I will cut mine to look like his.

Dude! I haven't seen you
since that mission trip we went on

when we were like 17.

Yeah, ages ago.

Almost as long ago
as when Noah... did the boat.

Uh, hey, we should hang out later.
It would be so good to catch up.

Heck yes, bro.

Not much to catch up on, though,
because I'm exactly the same.

- [blowing then gasps]
- [cheering]

Gag me, Mother!

Yeah, crazy. That's his mom.

[theme music playing]

[theme music fades]

[Eunice gasps]

Kevin Lu?

I had my first sex dream about him.

Well, it was him
and the cucumber from VeggieTales.

What? The cucumber was just watching.

He was the most popular kid in church.

The way he played lead guitar
in worship team.

The way he led the congregation
in group prayer.

The way he was named Dreamiest Church Kid
ten months in a row.

[laughs]

Huh. That's probably why
Pastor John was transferred.

Anyway, Kevin's in town
and he wants to grab lunch.

I have to get out of it.
What's an excuse a straight guy would use?

Mm! I'm being arraigned
for sexual as*ault.

What are you so nervous about?
You guys were like best friends.

But that was a long time ago
and so much has changed.

Mm-hm. A global pandemic
that k*lled millions.

Fidget spinners.

Yes, but also,
I'm not Christian anymore. I'm g*y.

Oh, right. That too.

- Can one of you come with me?
- I can't.

I need to find out
who keeps stealing my packages.

I think it's that grubby little doorman.

Ruthie, that's classist.

I know. That's why I said it.

[lively music plays]

[indistinct chatter]

Everyone, your attention please.

I'm proud to announce
that Klerp has officially launched

our new line of makeup that doesn't work.

This is our new
complexion product, Skinnuendo!

It's not foundation.
It's the suggestion of foundation.

And it comes in 30 different shades.

From Caucasian to Italian Caucasian.

Wow, it's my skin, but the same.
I love it.

Now, of course
our glamorous launch party is tonight,

and I was originally going to bring
my second second assistant, Victoria,

but unfortunately, Victoria has passed on.

[gasping]

[clears throat] Sorry,
chia seed stuck in my throat.

She passed on the promotion I offered her
and submitted her resignation.

But now, sadly, she is dead.

[clears throat] To us.

Another seed. [laughs]

Now I need a new date.

And I've decided
that person will be Eunice.

[gasps]

Uh, this party's
gonna be pretty exclusive.

Are you sure you want to bring Eunice?

She's been using the dish soap
in the break room as shampoo.

I'm sure. I want Eunice.

Yes! Are we leaving now,
or do I have time to Palmolive my hair?

{\an8}[pensive music plays]

Afternoon, Miss Dang.

Good afternoon...

V-man.

Welp, I'm off to my apartment,

leaving you unsupervised
with the packages.

Goodbye.

Afternoon, Miss Annabelle.

I'm sorry, the Bronsteins in 402

are asking if you could
keep the music down tonight.

Sure, but can you tell them no?

They're actually
prescription songs for my ADHD.

Hey, you!

Read who that package is addressed to.

"Ruthie Dang." So?

So that's my new computer in there.
And you were just gonna walk off with it?

It's a laptop. Just get a new one.

Call the cops and tell them
to disregard that last police report.

The doorman suspect has been ruled out.

Not, uh, you. The other doorman. Vito.

- No, that's me. I'm Vito.
- I knew that.

[lively music playing]

And thank you
for bringing Kevin unto my path.

For when I looked down and saw
only one set of footprints in the sand,

I knew thou were carrying me and Kevin
in a double piggyback, O Lord.

And if you have to choose to sit it out
or dance, I hope you dance. Amen.

Listen, Andrew, uh,
I have something to tell you.

[exhales]

I didn't just run into you.

I was, uh, kind of seeking you out
because, well, I know you're g*y.

What? [laughs nervously]
I like the ladies.

Rihanna. Dominique Moceanu. Chita Rivera.

Vroom vroom!

No, it's okay.

See, um...

I'm also g*y.

[distorted dramatic sting playing]

[distorted] Andrew?

Andrew, are you okay?

- [sound resumes normally]
- Sorry, I think I'm in shock.

You're g*y? But you were the church kid.

Yeah, I went really deep into religion
to hide my sexuality.

I think I'm the first g*y guy
to ever do that.

Anyways, I have met up
with a few guys in Boston on Grindr,

but I wonder what it'd be like to have sex
with someone without a wife and kids.

Going out in New York,

it seems like it'll be
a totally different experience.

And you're the only other g*y person
I know here, and...

I was hoping you could show me around?

[chuckles]

You're a baby g*y.
Of course I can show you around.

I can be your guide.

First lesson,
there's a woman called Bebe Rexha,

and only we can see her.

[electronic dance music
playing over speakers]

There are so many famous people here.

[gasps] Look, there's Eddie Redmayne!

And Victor Wembanyama!

And Nikki Gunt the first Real Housewife
they grew in a lab!

{\an8}I may not be young,
but, baby, I can barm all da krall.

{\an8}I can b-- I can barm...

{\an8}Please help me. Please.

{\an8}My whole life is pain.

Do you want to meet her?

Nikki, I'd like you to meet
my friend Eunice...

I want to say Friedman?

- Dang.
- Oh, I was close.

[electronic dance music
blaring over speakers]

- [Annabelle] Just take an Ambien! God!
- [music stops]

Oh, it's you.

Yes, it's me.
And I'd like to speak to your parents.

Then go knock on their door.

Wait, you have your own apartment?

Yeah, because my d*ck parents
won't get me a brownstone,

and they're out of town
this fiscal quarter.

Well, give me their number,
because I need to speak to them.

[laughs] We already have a maid.

No, about the packages that you have
been stealing from me, a fellow tenant.

Look, here's some money.
Can we just be done with this?

- It's not about the money. It's about...
- [music resumes]

Oh my God. This is like $6,000.

This isn't over!

[upbeat music plays]

And after the after-party,
Lorne let us sit in on the SNL auditions.

We k*lled the dreams
of so many white guys from Chicago.

It was amazing.

- You're playing a dangerous game, Eunice.
- [dramatic music playing]

You have no idea
what you're getting yourself into.

Sounds like someone's jealous.

How does it feel
to be the Demi to my Selena?

The Christina to my Britney?

The Steve Urkel to my Stefan Urquelle?

Bestie, come on, we're getting drinks
with DVF at the Polo Lounge.

In Beverly Hills?

Yeah, babe. We're taking my PJ.
My public jet.

It's a Delta 727
that I bought out all the seats on.

It's incredibly bad for the environment.

Let's go.

[Andrew] Look what I found.

- Is this what I think it is?
- [uplifting music playing]

Turn it up.

I want to hear
all six of those acoustic guitars.

♪ Come inside of me
Come and fill me up ♪

♪ I can feel you, Lord, up in my guts ♪

♪ Come inside of me when I'm open wide ♪

♪ You can crush my head ♪

♪ In between your thighs ♪

That unlocked so many memories,

like church camp and VBS
and crying after masturbating.

[both sigh]

It's been so nice reconnecting.
Thank you for helping me.

No problem.

This way, you won't make
all the stupid mistakes I did.

Just follow my rules and you'll be fine.

Wait, what's Hogslut Rodeo?

Oh, it's this big q*eer party
that they throw at the hangar

where they keep
the Minions floats for Thanksgiving.

But you're definitely not ready for that.

Come on, I'm only here for a few days,

and there is nothing remotely close
to Hogslut in Boston.

Please?

I don't know. You think you're ready?

No, but you'll be there.

With your help, I can handle anything.

Okay, but you have a lot to learn.

You need to shut up
and do everything I say.

Oh my God, you sound like one of
those guys I hook up with in Boston.

What are you gonna say next?
"Shh, my kids are asleep"?

[lively music playing]

We've arrived!

- We're leaving!
- Already?

I need documentation

that I was in the Cayman Islands
once a month for tax purposes.

Where should we go next?
Bali? Monte Carlo? Genovia?

The fictional country
from The Princess Diaries?

Right. Fictional.

First things first. We starve ourselves
for five days in case we have to bottom.

Well, how do I know if I'm a bottom?
What if I'm a top?

[laughs]

No one in the whole world is a top.

Shh, that's our secret.

[lively music continues]

[Jane] Mmm!

Hey!

See that woman
in the gorgeous pink Chanel dress?

God, she looks so familiar.

I think that's your reflection.

Oh my God, yes.

I haven't seen my new face
out in the wild yet.

All right, time to get a pre-party pump.

[grunting]

What are you doing?

- Push-ups?
- [scoffs]

Oh, honey,
we don't have to do that anymore.

It's the 21st century.

[device whirring]

- Where does that hose go in?
- It's not important!

♪ Hey ♪

[lively music continues]

Whoo!

Eunice, you want to rail
some Veuve-Clicquot?

- [snores then gasps]
- Eunice! Eunice, you fell asleep, bestie.

Here, take one of these.

It's what they give Russian fighter pilots

so they never have to sleep
or feel remorse.

This has been a really fun night.

Three nights? Four?

But I really think
I need to go home and rest.

- Please no, don't open that door!
- [screams]

It's the only way
to beat the crosstown traffic.

[groaning]

[gasps]

Oh my God, I just read all 1,000 pages
of Barbra Streisand's autobiography.

She really likes coffee ice cream.

I know, right? Now let's get you caught up
on every single episode of The View.

[groaning]

{\an8}What is Meghan McCain's
hair person doing?!

[ominous music playing]

Huh.

Where are your kids?

They're three and seven,
so, boarding school.

- What about your husband?
- Lost at sea, I think.

[beeps then whirs]

[laughs nervously]

Can I use your bathroom?

Oh my God, help. [gasps]

[grunting]

[ominous music continues]

- Eunice, what are you doing?
- [yelps]

Um, I was just trying...

to k*ll myself?

[laughs] Who are you?
My first three boyfriends?

You are hilarious. I'm obsessed with you.

Hey, I have a fun idea.

Sleep in bed with me or you're fired.

[indistinct chatter]

Marcel is very selective.

If he doesn't like your vibe,
there's no way you're getting in.

The trick is to just be cool.

- No.
- [sobbing]

I'm sorry, sir!

Please, please, please let me in.

I'll let you kick me if you let me in.

In front of all these people.

I'll rub dirt on my face
and let you hit me with a stick!

- What? What are you saying?
- I'm saying I'm a worm!

I'm not a person, I'm a worm!

Pick out one thing
from the trash and I'll eat it.

I'll swallow it whole!

Oh my God, Jesus. Fine, just go inside.
I don't want people to see this.

And that's how you do it, girlies.

[electronic dance music
blaring over speakers]

Holy crap!

This place is amazing!

Ooh! We should request
"Come Inside of Me."

[scoffs] Absolutely not.

That song is terrible,

but not in the way that g*y guys
like things that are terrible.

Andrew, what's your Christian friend
doing here at this...

all-men's no-fap purity meetup?

You don't have to cover for me anymore.

Kevin's g*y, and he asked me
to show him the ropes.

You're into ropes?
I have ropes. I can tie myself up.

[whispers] And whatever happens next
is up to you.

- Hey.
- Hey.

[yelps]

Sorry about my friend.
He's on a mix of GHB, MDMA, and 401K.

That's 401 milligrams of ketamine.

Forget this happened, goodbye.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

I was just saying hi to that hot guy.

You do not say hi to a hot guy at a party.

At most, you make eye contact with him
while he's making out with someone else.

Eddie is the reigning slop queen
of Hogslut Rodeo.

Last May they brushed shoulders.

Andrew's been crankin' it to that
ever since.

Oh my God, he is literally so obsessed.
Cannot relate, queen. [laughs]

[wails]

Because every tube of mascara
comes completely dried up,

right out of the packaging.

See the expiration date?

- [woman] March 2019. Incredible!
- [eerie music playing]

What do you think?

Tell me you worship the reel
and by extension, me.

[sighs] I worship the reel
and by extension, you?

[inhales sharply] Mmm!

That's good praise.

Eunice, I'm so glad we're becoming
more than employer-employee.

We're friends now,
and that calls for a celebration.

I'll have my assistant
get us some more champagne.

Do you mean me?

I do, yes.

Go get it.

- Vodka soda?
- Vodka soda.

- Vodka soda.
- How's the vodka soda here?

Uh...

I'll have a Miller High Life.

- Hey!
- [scoffs]

A beer? That's the drink version of bread.

Sorry, I thought you said
we should drink our calories.

Yeah, by blending chicken breast.

Actually, can I change mine to a beer?

Mmm!

It tastes like when my dad
used to hit me. I like this.

Yeah, it tastes like
when a gym teacher calls you "chief."

I want to stay after class now.

Wow, okay, I guess
we're all just drinking beer now.

Maybe we should grow goatees
and wear construction boots too.

- Okay, that's hot.
- Yeah, I like that.

Hey, Kevin,
can I talk to you for a second?

Why aren't you listening to me?
I was very clear about what the rules are.

But there are so many of them.

I have to watch everything I say and do?

It feels like I'm back in the closet.

What?

All I'm asking is that you fix the way
you speak and dress and walk

so people here won't bully you.

It's totally different!

Hi, I was looking for the champagne,

or perhaps an unlocked door
to the outside?

[screams] Oh my God!

We don't have much time.
You have to listen to me.

Jane is feeding off of you.

Yeah, I mean, she did eat sushi off me,

but once I got the wasabi out of there,
it was fine.

No, don't you see? This is what she does.

She finds a young,
impressionable underling who can't say no,

and forces them
to spend all their time with her

only to wake up one day six months later
with their entire life falling apart.

Oh my God! Thank you for calling me young.

Do you remember Victoria?
Jane's last assistant?

Well, Jane wore her down so much
that she quit the industry

and had to go to

law school.

- [screams]
- Shh!

Shut up!

I'm sorry. I didn't want Jane to hear,
but I'm not trying to silence you.

If anything, I amplify BIPOC voices.

You can still save yourself.

All you have to do is find a new host
for Jane to suck the life out of.

[sniffing]

- Oh God, it's too late.
- [eerie music playing]

She's here!

[Jane] Eunice!

Where are you?

[music fades]

Can you remind me to call my cryonics guy?

I want to make sure your frozen head
goes in the pod next to mine.

Not till we're dead, silly.

What is your problem?
I'm just trying to have fun.

This is a g*y dance party.
It's not supposed to be fun.

[electronic dance music
playing over speakers]

- What's in there?
- [sighs]

That's the dark room.

It's where anonymous things happen,

and there's always a guy
on the nasty floor for some reason.

Yet another thing
I need to teach you about.

Well, I'm going in.

Wait, no!

[Kevin] I'm sorry if I'm not following
all your dumb rules, but they're insane.

Oh wow, I like that.

- Keep doing whatever it is you're doing.
- [man 1] You got it!

[Andrew] Those rules are the only things

keeping you from absolutely
embarrassing yourself and me.

- That's my belly button.
- [man 2] My bad.

[Kevin] Well,
if I'm such an embarrassment to you,

maybe I should just leave.

[Andrew] Yeah, maybe you should.

[Kevin] Fine! I will!

{\an8}[man 3] For what it's worth,
you did the right thing.

{\an8}[Andrew] No one asked you, floor dude.

Benji, it's so nice
hanging out one-on-one.

I feel like
we don't get to do this that often.

Yeah, you can be a pretty cool dude
when you're not pining over-- [grunts]

Andrew! What troubles you, my king?

Kevin wasn't listening
to anything I was teaching him.

I don't know.
He seemed to be fitting in pretty well.

He wasn't.
He was being happy and carefree.

Well, I did all I can for him.

If he won't accept my help,
I'll just let him make his own mistakes.

- His own stupid, embarrassing mista--
- ["Come Inside of Me" playing]

What?

What is this song?

It is so bad in a way
that I as a g*y man find irresistible!

♪ When I'm open wide ♪

♪ Make me scream... ♪

You didn't tell me
Kevin was such a good time!

And so hot.

I like how it seems like
he's not on antidepressants.

- ♪ I can feel you in my soul ♪
- ♪ I can feel you in my soul ♪

♪ I can feel you in my body... ♪

No, no, no! Don't approach!

♪ Come inside and make me whole... ♪

- [fireworks explode]
- [crowd cheering]

[music fades]

The industry is so focused
on getting rid of belly fat,

they're forgetting about
the heaviest organ in our bodies,

the bones!

There's just too many of them in there.

[groans]

Aren't sensory deprivation tanks
supposed to be for one person at a time?

I had a special one made
so I could be alone with a bestie.

Now let's hold hands like otters
and talk about our dreams.

I'll start. I've never had one.

- When I close my eyes, it's just darkness.
- [groans]

I can't do this anymore!

[beeps]

[banging on door]

[dramatic music playing]

[grunting]

[Jane] Come back!

I haven't told you my Kelly Ripa story!

It's long in a good way!

[panting]

Lock the doors!

Who the hell are you? No!

Okay!

Eunice! I booked us a week
at a silent yoga retreat!

I paid extra,
so we're allowed to yell at the monks!

Ruthie! Is that a Taser?

What are you doing?

Waiting for Annabelle.
The Taser was for self-defense, probably.

Help me get rid of Jane!

Ugh. Look, if you really want
Jane off your case, you need to think.

What does she really want?

Tell me you worship the reel
and by extension, me.

Wait, it's so simple.

All she wants is for young people
to give her praise at all times.

But where are we gonna
find someone who will--

Oh my God. Jane Atkinson?

Why, yes. That's me.

Your cheekbones are incredible!

Thank you. They're Keira Knightley's.

I am Klerp's biggest fan.

I even have the room diffuser
that smells like your b-hole.

The B to which she refers is the butt.

Yeah, I got that.

Wait, you know Jane Atkinson?

Uh... Yup. Uh-huh.

And if you don't stop
stealing my packages, I'll, uh...

Ban you from Klerp's once-a-year
beauty bloodbath savings event.

Wow. Yeah, that.

Please, no!

All I need is 50 more Klerp coins

and I get a Stanley mug
that Trisha Paytas threw up in.

Then you have to promise
never to steal one of my packages again.

- Okay.
- Or anyone else's packages.

- Uh, no.
- I can live with that.

Annabelle, I love your hair.

Really? Thanks!

Can I have it?

[upbeat music playing]

Oh my God, Kevin,
you have to visit more often.

Last night was so much fun.

I know! What was that thing
you gave me called again?

A rim job?

- No, the thing in the bottle.
- Oh. Meth.

Hello, Judas.

Andrew, let's not do this here.

How was the rest of your night?
Oh, let me guess.

You had a six-way with Eddie

on the balcony
of the New York Stock Exchange.

Actually, yeah.
We used an entire gallon of lube.

Eddie threw me onto a button
and General Motors lost half its value.

Well, I was being sarcastic
and now I'm even more jealous.

[laughs]

You know, it's funny.

For as different as you are
from our church days,

you really haven't changed.

What do you mean?

You're as strict with being g*y
as you were with being Christian.

You love rules
because they make your life easier.

It's probably why you liked church.

If your rules work for you, great.

But they don't work for me.

I mean, they do not work for me either.

They give me stomach ulcers.

- Then let go of them.
- [gentle music playing]

Wow, I guess
I don't have anything left to teach you.

Or maybe you should have been teaching me.

Maybe I'm the baby g*y.

Actually, how do you
wash off silicone lube?

{\an8}You don't. This is you forever now.

[electronic dance music playing]

Thanks so much
for introducing me to your friends.

Dave and Ralphie are so nice.
They're letting me move in with them.

- They are?
- Yup. They're not even charging me rent.

I just give them my underwear
when I'm done with it. Hey, guys!

- Hi.
- Damn!

Oh God. It's Eddie.

Go say hi. Come on.

- Uh, let me do 300 burpees real quick.
- Uh-uh. No, no, no.

No more rules.

[exhales]

- Hey.
- Hey.

[Andrew chuckles]

You're cute.

Sorry, you're not my type.

You're r*cist! [sobbing]

["Come Inside of Me" playing]

♪ Come inside of me ♪

♪ When I'm open wide ♪

♪ You can crush my head ♪

♪ In between your thighs ♪

♪ Take me and touch me ♪

♪ And use me and own me ♪

♪ I can't contain all of you ♪

♪ No use escaping ♪

♪ Before you, I'm gaping ♪

♪ None of your love is refused ♪

♪ I am ready to receive you ♪

♪ Come inside of me ♪

♪ When I'm open wide ♪

♪ Make me scream your name ♪

♪ Make me go cross-eyed ♪

♪ I'm just a hole ♪

♪ I'm just a holy warrior for you ♪

[song fades]