["Never Enough" by Turnstile playing]
Running from myself now
Can't hear what you're told
Never let your guard down
Anywhere you go
[man] Yo, where you at?
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, I I see. I see. I see.
It's, like, two lines, yeah?
Hey, what's up, bro?
I gotta get a pic.
I gotta get a pic of Stav.
[indistinct chatter]
No photo, no video? Yeah.
Well, guess what. I'm gonna--
-[cans rattle]
-Damn.
[indistinct chatter]
What a dickhead, dude.
He hit me hard on purpose.
-[MC] Ladies and gentlemen
-[loud cheering]
please welcome to the stage
the one, the only Stavros Halkias!
[rock music playing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
[fan whistling]
[Stavros] All right.
How we doing, g*ng, huh?
How we doing? Good?
[cheering intensifies]
-All right, sit down.
-[man whooping]
[woman chuckles]
Sit down, you f*cking animals.
Don't embarrass me in front of Netflix.
[laughter]
Yeah, we're on Netflix, baby. Be warned!
[audience cheering and applauding]
I'm so pumped to be here.
I remember I saw Chris Rock when I was 18,
in literally the last seat,
all the way the f*ck back in there.
[cheering and whooping]
Yeah.
And now culture has degraded to the point
that I get to play
these kinds of theaters.
[Stavros laughs]
I don't know what the f*ck's going on.
It's f*cked-up.
I don't should not be here,
and neither should you
m*therf*ckers either.
[scattered laughter]
Let's be honest, you know you shouldn't be
on Netflix, some of you m*therf*ckers.
The only time this guy's been
in a f*cking television
is a CCTV at a pawn shop.
-[laughter]
-[Stavros chuckles]
Yeah, man, I'm f*cking pumped.
This this tour has almost k*lled me.
I literally got cortisone shots
in my back to be here.
I'm on steroids for my voice.
I'm a little
I'm juiced-up like a guy who tore his ACL
before the Super Bowl, basically.
[laughter]
[Stavros chuckles]
You know how fat you have to be
to not be medically cleared
for stand-up comedy?
[laughter]
And this is the healthiest
I've been in years.
That's the f*cked-up part of it, dude.
[laughter]
This tour, I've actually lost 70 pounds.
Not so bad, huh?
[audience cheering]
That's right.
[audience applauding, whistling]
Thank you. Yeah.
Yes, this is me after that, though.
That is tough.
It's no good.
I still have to wear the same clothes.
That's insane.
[laughter]
Still have 3X. Still in 3X?
Lose 70 pounds, maintain every X?
That's not how that should go.
[laughter]
I guess I was a 5X
who was kidding himself last year.
[laughter]
I thought I'd be doing
the big jeans thing by now, you know?
I thought I'd be in here like
[laughter]
Nope, same pants.
I just have to wear belts sometimes now.
That's the only difference.
[man whooping]
My belts before were purely ceremonial,
you know what I mean?
-[laughter]
-You know, I didn't need the belt.
I didn't even need the buttons
if we're being honest with ourselves.
Science was keeping those jeans on.
[laughter]
Like the curtain rod you buy
when you're too poor to drill into walls.
Which were just like
[laughter]
That was my pants, baby.
My belts my belts were like the belt
on a Pilgrim's hat.
What's that even
[laughter]
What's that even there for? No one's sure.
[laughter]
Yeah, dude, it was tough.
That last tour was very brutal for me,
you know, 'cause I hit rock bottom.
And I know I hit rock bottom
'cause I was like going to bed every night
and being like, "Hope I wake up."
[laughter]
[chuckles softly]
But it wasn't You know,
we know rock bottom in Baltimore.
It wasn't that, you know. It wasn't.
-I know.
-[cheering and applause]
I know we got Yeah.
I see some expunged records in the crowd.
My man right here in the DX jersey.
Hell, yeah, dude.
Sit down, you f*cking piece of sh*t.
[Stavros laughing]
[laughter and applause]
He had the f*cking "suck it" torqued
and ready to go.
[laughter]
All right, you got your moment.
Now start thinking about
your parole hearing on Monday morning.
I'm in the Navy.
You're
-I'm in the Navy.
-You're in the Navy.
All right, I don't understand
how that was even remotely close
-[laughter]
-to anything.
Have you been arrested ever?
Uh, one time.
-[Stavros] What were you up to?
-I A hit-and-run.
Hit-and-run. Nice!
[laughter]
The most scumbag crime there is.
[Stavros guffawing]
Oh, a hit-and-run.
[laughter]
Lady wasn't gonna f*cking make it.
What, I'm gonna f*cking
I had reservations.
[laughter]
[chuckling]
It was f*cking Dollarita night
at Applebee's. What?
I'm gonna miss that 'cause some old b*tch
doesn't know when the sidewalk ends?
[laughter]
Yeah, my rock bottom
never got that f*cking bad.
My rock bottom didn't get 40-year-old men
in wrestling merch doing hit-and-runs bad.
-[chuckling]
-[laughter]
Look, I hit rock bottom
because I just had too much fun.
I basically destroyed my body
'cause for three years,
I just had an awesome day every day.
-Like
-[laughter]
Like, think about the days
you would plan your months around.
We were like, "I'm gonna take acid,
eat a rib eye,
and try and f*ck a stranger."
[laughter]
I did that 900 times in a row, all right.
[laughter]
It was awesome, and I miss it every day,
but it did almost k*ll me.
[laughter]
Yeah, it was bad. If you took my blood
at that period of my life,
I'm pretty sure
it would have separated like ramen.
[laughter]
My blood type was tonkotsu
for three years.
[laughter]
I blew out the elastic on the ankles
of my sweatpants. What do you
[laughter]
What do you do after that,
get bell-bottom sweatpants? I don't know.
[laughter]
Couldn't post black-and-white pictures.
People were like, "No, what happened?"
[laughter]
[chuckles softly]
Yeah, I hit rock bottom
'cause for three years I gave myself
the day you give a dog
before you euthanize it.
[laughter]
Hey, buddy,
you want all your favorite stuff, huh?
[laughter]
You want some Xanax, ice cream,
and head from a girl with ironic tattoos?
[laughter]
Yes.
[laughter]
Just put it down. I'll get to it.
[sighs]
[chuckles]
I was so delusional too, you know?
I was like, "Oh, I just need to get a tan.
I'll be fine."
[laughter]
"I just need to get some sun."
And look, the logic is sound.
You know, I'm Mediterranean.
I look nice with a tan. I look delicious.
I look like a cinnamon Teddy Graham.
-[audience whooping]
-Yeah, thank you.
So, you know, I tried it out.
I went on vacation,
went to Greece for a week,
came back, looked in the mirror.
I was right. I was breathtaking.
[chuckles]
From the front,
and then from the side, though,
just fully white down the sides.
[laughter]
Which means I'd gotten
too fat to tan front to back.
This was now
a front, side, back, side situation.
[laughter]
You don't want that.
To have to tan
the way you cook a rotisserie chicken.
[laughter]
All right, just gotta get
a nice, even coat.
[laughing]
[Stavros chuckling]
Same vacation,
I wanted to relax a little bit,
you know, get a massage.
And so the lady,
when she started working on my neck,
uh, she spread my neck open
like a*s cheeks, and that
[laughter]
That was pretty hard to forget.
I'm not gonna lie to you guys.
[laughter]
You never want to get
your nussy busted wide open, but
[laughter]
What can I say? It happened to me.
[laughter continues]
Tough addiction, food addiction,
but it is the cutest one, right?
[laughter]
The other ones get
pretty dark pretty fast.
When you think about
what a food addiction is,
it's like a grizzled 40-year-old father
of three that's like, "I love treats."
[chuckles]
[laughter]
"I love treats so much
I might not be at my daughter's wedding."
[chuckling]
[laughter]
He's right, dude.
That's how good treats are.
I know what it's like. I've been cut off
from multiple Chinese restaurants in life.
[laughter]
You understand that?
I've ordered something,
and a waiter has said,
"No."
That's wild.
You know how f*cked-up an order has to be
for an immigrant running a business
on razor-thin margins
to be like,
"Ethically, I can't do this, man. That's"
"It's too many types of lo mein
for one guy. Please."
[laughter]
[Stavros chuckles softly]
It's tough, 'cause even when I'm
trying my hardest, I get good habits,
I'm just programmed this way.
Like, I have fat thoughts all the time.
[laughter]
I was on my way to a meeting, you know,
and I was passing this woman,
and she was offering her leftovers
to a homeless guy.
Um
And and he didn't want them,
and so everything in me wanted to be like,
"Can I have them please?"
-[laughter]
-[chuckling]
I was full.
I had had breakfast, but still I'm like,
"What's in the box?"
[chuckles sheepishly]
"I gotta know,
is it sweet, or is it savory?"
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
I thought about that
for a month afterwards.
[laughter]
Driving, too,
I'll have fat thoughts, you know.
I was driving. I saw a billboard.
It was a PETA billboard,
had a picture of a pig
next to a picture of a dog.
It was like, "You'd eat one,
but you wouldn't eat the other."
It's like, "Come on, PETA. Don't"
[laughter]
"Don't make me start eating dogs,
all right? 'Cause"
[laughter]
"'Cause I don't want to, but I will
call your bluff if I have to, okay?"
[laughter]
We turned wolves into pugs.
You dont think we can't figure out
Wagyu dogs?
We could do that fast.
Give us six months. We'll get the guy
who did Doritos Locos Tacos to do it.
[laughter]
Yeah, it's tough when you're trying
to lose weight and you gotta buy produce.
Fresh sh*t is bad half the time.
You know what's good every time? A Twix.
Every Twix I've ever had
has been awesome and the same.
But I had
one good pint of blueberries in '08.
I've been chasing that feeling ever since.
[laughter]
And there's a company now
that started charging more
for sweet fruit.
There's a company called Driscoll's.
And they have something called
Sweetest Batch.
And they're like, "Hey,
for three dollars more, these are good."
It's like, "What?"
"They should all be good,
you pieces of sh*t."
[laughter]
Somebody needs to go Mangione mode
on the Driscoll's CEO
as far as I'm concerned.
[loud cheering]
That's right. Yeah.
[cheering intensifies]
-That's right.
-[woman squeals]
That's right, those are
two equally important issues, by the way.
[laughter]
It's how predatory
America's health care system is
and the fact that my parfaits
have been subpar recently.
[laughter]
[chuckles softly]
No, that was cool
when he k*lled that guy, though.
-I have to say it was.
-[laughter]
-It was.
-[loud cheering]
[fan whistling]
And look, I know we shouldn't g*n down
people in the street, but you gotta admit,
that's the closest America's
ever gonna get to universal health care.
For two weeks after that,
no insurance company was denying sh*t.
They were just like, "Yep. Uh-huh.
Everybody gets chemo. Yep."
"Your dad gets t*ts. I don't care.
Just stop sh**ting, okay?"
Even that guy's job,
the guy who got k*lled,
his job was health care CEO.
That's a job that's like,
"Okay, should we try really hard
to save as many sick people as possible,
or should we buy boats?"
[chuckles]
It's not a f*cking job that should exist.
Those people should be ashamed
of themselves.
You shouldn't, for real. You shouldn't
-[audience cheering]
-It's true.
[audience applauding]
-Health care should not--
-[man] Boo!
Get that guy the f*ck out of here, please.
Who the f*ck is that piece of sh*t?
Shut the f*ck up.
[audience cheering]
You gotta f*cking go.
You can't yell at a taping, you idiot.
[audience applauding]
I don't know what the f*ck to tell you.
And I let him get one.
He yelled once, and nobody gave a f*ck.
[audience cheering]
All right. All right. All right.
We don't have to k*ll him.
He doesn't have to
[mutters indistinctly]
But he does have to leave.
[audience cheering and applauding]
All right. All right. We got it.
That was f*cking hilarious.
[Stavros chuckles]
All right, where the f*ck were we?
It's crazy we don't have
health care in America,
and honestly, I think it's 'cause
we don't riot enough in this country.
-[audience cheering]
-You know?
-We don't.
-[scattered whooping]
Hey, look, we like to make fun of France
'cause they're g*y or whatever.
-Um
-[laughter]
And that's fair.
That's actually pretty valid criticism,
-but
-[laughter]
Have you seen what happens
when they take sh*t from French people?
-[woman whoops]
-There'll be a news story that's like,
"French Parliament has voted
to decrease paid vacation
from five months a year
to four months a year."
They'll just take the prime minister's son
hostage that afternoon.
There's no There's no writing a letter
to a congressman.
They're putting a Molotov c*ck
in a baguette, just f*cking
[laughter]
Letting that sh*t fly, dude.
Here, we got guys with trucks and g*ns
talking about "don't tread on me."
But there's a f*cking 19-year-old bisexual
in Paris actually about it right now.
[cheering and scattered applause]
I'm just saying, dude.
[audience whooping and whistling]
I'm just saying we're getting stunted on
by some guy in capris on PrEP right now.
[laughter]
Something to think about, fellas.
That's all.
[man shouts indistinctly]
Things are pretty weird in America
right now. sh*t's pretty f*cked.
You know what I mean? Our economy is fake.
We don't make anything
in this country anymore.
Every billionaire's trying to convince you
that AI is the solution.
It's like, really?
The technology that's like,
"Hey, yo,
what if SpongeBob was Bulgarian?"
[laughter]
[in an accent] "f*ck to you, Squidward!"
[laughter]
"Clarinet is Gypsy instrument."
Three ponds in Montana
just dried up because of that.
[laughter]
[in an accent] "Mr. Krabs, you are Jew!"
-That's
-[laughter]
There goes another freshwater spring
right there.
We basically invented Google
that calls you handsome,
and they're pretending
it's a technological breakthrough.
[laughter]
"No, you weren't out of line, Michael.
Your ex-wife was being the dumb b*tch."
[laughter]
"She shouldn't have hugged
her Black boss."
[laughter]
"Would you like to key her Nissan Murano?"
"I think you should."
[chuckling]
The only way you can get rich in America
is by stealing or poisoning people.
Like, we did it with smoking.
We were healthy
compared to the rest of the world
when it came to smoking.
And then we realized there's no regulation
on electronic cigarettes.
So they just made them taste
like Mountain Dew, and now
[laughter]
eighth-graders have more nicotine
in their system than World w*r II GIs.
[laughter]
Gambling's the big one.
You can gamble anywhere now,
and that sucks, dude.
And I'm saying that
as somebody who loves gambling.
They've ruined it.
Dude, there's nothing better
than taking 40 milligrams and just
[laughter]
f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.
Nice, nice.
f*ck. Nice.
Ah, the pig's little basket
is almost full of coins.
[chuckling]
I'll do that for nine hours, dude.
[laughter]
But that's when you used
to have to earn gambling, you know?
You used to have to drive somewhere weird
four hours from your house
[laughter]
and really think about the money
you were gonna spend.
Not only that, you also had to think about
what we did to the Native Americans,
so it was sort of
[laughter]
It was kind of like
a history lesson concurrently.
[laughter]
Now you could just be sh1tting
and be like,
"Uh-oh, we gotta sell the house."
[laughter]
"Oh f*ck, I thought Pakistan was gonna win
the Cricket World Cup this year."
-[laughter]
-[chuckling]
And they've stolen the sweetest high
a gambler can ever hope to achieve,
'cause I'm sure hitting a bet
on your phone feels good,
but it doesn't feel
"the Mafia's not gonna k*ll me" good.
Can you imagine that rush, dude?
[laughter]
Bengals missed a field goal,
you've dropped to your knees.
[screams]
"I'm gonna live, baby. Oh my God!"
[fake cries]
"Everything's gonna be so different
from now on."
"I'm gonna get my real estate license
like I promised."
-[laughter]
-[chuckles softly]
You don't get that with DraftKings.
And you know something's bad for you
when after they show a commercial for it,
legally, they must air
a second, shorter commercial,
admitting they just lied.
[laughter]
Every gambling commercial is like,
"Hit the slots. Hit the tables."
"You're gonna win a million dollars
and get p*ssy."
[laughter]
Right afterwards,
"Obviously, none of that is gonna happen.
What are you, a dumb-a*s?"
[laughter]
"That's not how gambling works.
We win. You never win, idiot."
"Here's a number.
Call if you're gonna k*ll yourself."
"But don't tell them
you heard about it from us."
[laughter]
[chuckles softly]
Yeah.
It seems like right now,
it's like a fire sale in America,
where it's like, the richest,
like the top 0.1%,
is trying to extract as much value
from everybody else as possible.
And no one is immune, by the way.
The plus-size community,
they're coming after us as well.
They're stealing our dollars
in a very creative way.
They've been making our medicines
more delicious, and I'm on to them.
[laughter]
Why is there strawberry lemonade
Pepto-Bismol, huh? Why?
[laughter]
Why are there tropical chewable TUMS?
You know I think they're candy.
You know, in my brain,
they're like big Skittles.
[laughter]
It's f*cked-up, dude.
Honestly, I just feel like
I wasn't prepared for life as a fat adult.
I grew up on sitcoms, dude.
I thought I was cruising
for a King of Queens style existence.
[laughter]
I thought you could just be fat as hell,
dumb as sh*t,
get the hottest wife of all time.
Live next door to your ethnic best friend.
[laughter]
That's not what my life is like
at all, dude.
Where's the episode of King of Queens
where Doug gets sleep apnea, huh?
Where's that episode?
[laughter]
Where's "Doug almost dies 80 times
in his sleep every night"?
[laughter]
Maybe an episode
where his heartburn is so bad
it triggers erectile dysfunction.
-[laughter]
-[chuckles softly]
You ever have a meatball so spicy
you can't get hard? Because
[laughter]
Because I have, and I wish
Doug Heffernan warned me about them.
[laughter]
Fat people just aren't respected
in our society. That's the truth.
If you like fat people,
you'd like them more if they weren't fat.
That's how your brain works.
We really get rewarded in our society
for losing weight, like way over-rewarded.
You lose 20 pounds,
people act like you beat cancer.
[laughter]
The proof of this thesis
is the career of Jared Fogle.
Um
-[laughter]
-Don't get ahead of yourselves, okay?
Let's
Let's focus on the career first, please.
All right?
This is a man who got world-famous
as a spokesman because he was fat as sh*t
and then just became
a regular, kind of fat guy.
That's all he did.
And we made him world-famous for that.
He didn't even get ripped.
He had no other skills.
He couldn't sing or dance.
Here's how little charisma he had.
When he was outed as a pedophile,
nobody was surprised. Not
[laughter]
Not a single soul.
Everybody was like, "Oh f*ck, duh."
[laughter]
Those are clearly
the cold, dead eyes of a predator
selling me Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyakis.
[laughter]
There was a moment
in Jared Fogle's life where he was like,
"f*ck. Nobody takes me seriously."
"Nobody respects me."
"I have to change
the worst thing about myself."
[laughter]
[scattered applause]
[sucks teeth]
"Well, I've got it down to two."
[chuckling]
[laughter]
And he picked fat?!
Are you f*cking kidding me?
Fat can't even beat pedophile
in our society?
And you know it can't
because there's no cool,
secret fat-guy island
where we get together
and grill ribs and stuff.
[laughter]
[scattered whooping]
There'd be no sex sl*ves on that island.
There wouldn't even be women
on that island. It would just be
[laughter and whooping]
a bunch of good old boys
in orthotic footwear
getting the smoker going.
[laughter]
[man] Yeah.
Green Eggs as far as the eye can see.
[chuckling]
There would be some women. It would be
the lesbians that dress exactly like us.
-Those are
-[laughter]
Those are our sisters in grilled meats.
[laughter]
But there's no Fatstein's Island.
There's no there's no Fieri Files.
[laughter]
Fieri Files are just 10,000 pages
of redacted pork shoulder recipes.
-[chuckling]
-[laughter]
[chuckling]
Yeah. No, we don't have that sh*t.
Going to the gym too.
I've had fat friends
that are bullied at the gym.
My experience is actually
the exact opposite.
People at the gym have been so supportive,
it hurts my feelings.
Um
[laughter]
A woman came up to me on the elliptical,
and she was just like
[mimics shaky breathing]
[laughter]
[woman in audience guffawing]
"Keep going."
[laughter]
[yells] I don't f*cking know you, lady!
Stop being inspired by me right now.
[laughter]
I wasn't born without legs. I just had
too many Totino's Pizza Rolls in my life.
Don't even think about naming a 5K
in my honor.
[laughter]
Yeah, dude. The biggest news,
of course, happening in the fat community
is the new drugs, you know, GLP-1s.
Ozempic, that kind of stuff.
I'm on I'm dabbling, you know.
I'm on something called Zepbound.
-Yeah.
-[woman] Oh yeah.
[Stavros] Oh, yeah?
We getting Zepped up back there?
-[laughter]
-Hell, yeah.
I'm on it too.
Listen, it's working, but, you know,
I'm giving the medicine all it can handle,
believe me, it's
[laughter]
Every game goes to overtime,
every series goes seven, but
-[laughter]
-[Stavros chuckling]
Afterwards, Zepbound is very respectful
in the postgame news conference.
It's just like,
"That is a man with no quit in him.
I'll tell you that much."
Phew.
"I watched him eat a pint of ice cream
over three hours between diarrhea breaks."
"It was incredible."
[laughter]
"He's one of my most resilient opponents."
[laughter]
You're not gonna beat me, medicine.
[grunts and groans]
[whiny tone] f*ck.
[chuckling]
No, but it is working,
you know, slowly at least with my case.
My friends were worried.
They were like, "Hey,
I'm sure you've done all the research
when it comes to these drugs."
It's like, "Of course, I
have not done the research
when it comes to these drugs."
That's not how I do drugs.
My whole life, I've just taken drugs
and seen what happens.
[laughter]
I won't ask questions now
when they might save my life.
I'm sure I'll be fine.
I'm sure they're not as bad
as whippets and salvia.
[laughter]
[Stavros chuckles]
But there are side effects to these drugs.
That's true.
But if you've been fat your whole life,
you're pretty ready for the side effects,
'cause the main side effects
are nausea and diarrhea.
It's like, "What the f*ck?"
[laughter]
f*cking disrespect me like that, dude.
Nausea and diarrhea.
I've had nausea and diarrhea every day
since I was 11 years old.
[laughter]
There's no way what these drugs do to you
is worse than what I do to myself.
[laughter]
Is Ozempic worse
than $40 worth of Taco Bell
and a milkshake
from a separate restaurant?
I don't think so.
[laughter]
Yeah, you ever do that?
You ever play Uber Eats roulette?
[chuckles] You know, like
Please don't let them get here
at the same time.
[laughter]
I don't want to be embarrassed
in front of two immigrants on bicycles.
[laughter]
I don't want to be the reason
two Guatemalans share a sly smile.
[laughter]
"Oh, it appears my roommate
has also ordered something."
[laughter]
"I will take it to him now. Thank you."
[chuckles sheepishly]
[laughter]
The way you do these drugs is crazy too.
I don't know if you know this,
but they just give you,
a person with no medical background,
needles,
and you stab yourself
in the stomach once a week.
Which feels a little on the nose,
doesn't it?
Like they're making you do
one final act of fat penance.
[laughter]
Some doctor's like,
"Do you want to be beautiful?"
[laughter]
"Prove it, you pig. Stab that gut!"
[laughs maniacally]
"Whatever you say, doctor.
I just want to be pretty like you."
[laughter]
It can't be pills?
Every medicine is pills,
but this one, I gotta stab myself.
[laughter]
And it's in the fridge?
When the f*ck have you heard of
medicines in the fridge?
But to not make you fat anymore,
they make you look at your snacks
one last time?
[laughter]
Very disrespectful, dude.
Luckily, I'm not as self-conscious
as I used to be about my weight.
When I was a kid, when I was a teenager,
I really was.
When I was like 19, I thought you couldn't
even be in a relationship if you were fat,
which, you know, is ridiculous.
That's some people's thing.
That's who they're attracted to.
They're into fat people.
-[woman squeals]
-[Stavros] Yeah, hell, yeah.
Hang out after the show.
We might need you.
[laughter]
We might need you
for something for the special, uh
[laughter]
[chuckles]
But I'm one of those people too.
I like big girls, you know. Big fan.
Ah, now, look, I haven't I'll be honest,
I haven't dated many of them,
but it is not an attraction issue.
It's not. Hold on.
It's a geometry problem because
[laughter]
I simply don't have the p*nis
for two bellies.
That's That's what it comes down to.
I think you're hot.
I just have a disability here.
[laughter]
For me to pleasure a plus-sized woman,
I'd have to be lowered from the ceiling
Mission: Impossible style.
[laughter]
[hums the Mission: Impossible theme]
[laughter]
[continues humming]
[laughter]
Just d*ck at a hard 90-degree angle.
Not wasting a scintilla of c*ck flesh.
I'd need a series of levers and pulleys
and three of my strongest friends.
[laughter]
[grunts]
[grunts]
Guys [chuckles]
slow down.
Bro, for real,
chill, chill, chill, chill, chill.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
No! No! No!
No!
[laughter]
[grunts]
[muttering indistinctly]
[laughter and applause]
Sorry about that.
[chuckles]
Okay, well, see you next time.
[laughter]
As I ascend into the heavens.
[laughter]
[Stavros chuckles]
The irony is I was a test-tube baby,
you know, which means
this is the best science could do.
You're looking at it.
[chuckles]
Any test-tube babies in here?
[scattered whooping]
Yeah, up there. You think your parents
are happy with their investment?
-[man] So-so.
-[Stavros] Okay, that's a clear no.
-Um
-[laughter]
What about the opposite?
Any mistakes in here tonight?
-[scattered whooping]
-Yeah?
-[loud cheering]
-You know for sure?
-They told you?
-They were in high school.
They were in high school.
Yeah, both hopefully, right? Okay.
[laughter]
[Stavros laughing]
Phew! All right.
We can continue talking legally now.
Did they ever, like, sit you down,
or you figured it out yourself?
[woman] Oh, I knew.
You knew. You knew every time you woke up,
they were like, "f*ck!"
[laughter]
"All right, I guess
we're going to school again."
-[laughter]
-[Stavros chuckles]
-My brother's in here somewhere.
-Your brother's in here somewhere.
That goes to show
what a good family you are
that you're not even sitting together.
[laughter]
Yeah, I saw on, uh I saw on Instagram
he was gonna be there.
I don't f*cking know.
We don't really keep in touch.
-Same both parents?
-[woman] Yeah.
Okay. All right.
That's something, you know.
Five siblings everywhere else.
Five siblings everywhere else.
Is that dad's side, I'm guessing?
-[woman] Both.
-Both? Now, respect.
Your mom's like,
"Women can be d*adbeats too."
-[Stavros laughs]
-[laughter and applause]
Okay. Well, I do feel superior to you,
no disrespect. Um
The rest of you m*therf*ckers too.
All you non-test-tube babies,
you make me sick.
[laughter]
Think about how your existence started.
Ugh.
Just your dad
[grunting]
[laughter]
Belly full of Miller High Life
sloshing around.
[laughter and applause]
[grunts]
That's you coming out.
[grunts]
-[laughter]
-Not me, dude.
Four scientists
were huddled over a microscope
[laughter]
carefully splicing
genetic material together.
They finally finished my embryo.
They're like, "My God, he's perfect."
[laughter]
"We've done it again."
[chuckles]
Just a miniature version of me
floating in a tank. Just
[laughter]
A little Bane mask on.
[laughter]
Weapon Alpha Omega is online.
[chuckles softly]
No, it sucks. They just give you
your family's DNA. Did you know that?
What the f*ck?
Sprinkle some good sh*t in there, dude.
[laughter]
You made me in a lab. Why am I five-seven?
[laughter]
I should have abs.
I should be able to dunk.
I come from a family
that should've gotten divorced, you know.
My family stayed together for the kids,
as if that's worked even one time.
[laughter]
Like, "Oh, I'm glad you stayed together
so I could watch Dad
break a coffee table every month."
"This is
[laughter]
so much better than two Christmases."
[laughter]
Every family meal is more tense
than There Will Be Blood,
but at least I didn't get Sega
and Nintendo out of it.
Sometimes I'd think,
what would happen if they got divorced?
Maybe I'd get a big, fat American stepdad.
Some guy named Roy that gave awesome hugs
and believed in me, you know?
[laughter]
And I know my dad would've had
a series of trashy girlfriends.
Ladies named Oksana
with their t*tties hanging out, you know.
Something nice,
something to beat off to at that age.
[laughter]
Maybe a stepsister, heavyset,
listens to Linkin Park, cuts herself.
[laughter]
Jacks me off one Thanksgiving.
We never speak of it again.
You know,
just the classic American experience, but
No, my family
didn't love me enough for that.
[laughter]
Lot of undiagnosed mental illness
in my family, a lot of arguing,
not a lot of not a lot of talking,
a lot of wall punching, you know.
Immigrant dads like to present themselves
as big tough guys.
But in many ways,
you're the most sensitive people
you'll ever meet in your life.
'Cause an immigrant dad is somebody
who went from living with his mom
to living with his wife immediately.
No real world in between.
Just a guy who's like, "Oh, nice,
a mom you can f*ck. That's convenient."
What?
[laughter]
You know, like, that's not gonna be
the most emotionally developed guy.
So when they argued,
and my dad didn't get his way,
he would just kind of behave like
an emo teenager.
He would just be like, "Maybe you guys
would be better off if I wasn't born."
It's like
Come on, man, you're my male role model.
[laughter]
I'm gonna have to pursue a career
in the arts because of stuff like this.
-[Stavros chuckles]
-[laughter]
You guys ever have to pause Yoshi's Island
to tell your dad not to k*ll himself?
[laughter]
Oh yeah, man, that sounds tough.
I don't know.
-Uh
-[laughter]
Maybe you guys could Yoshi!
get counseling or
[laughter]
Maybe just like, you know, visit some
Yoshi Yoshi! relatives.
[chuckles]
Good guy. I love him.
We're not speaking right now,
but we'll figure it out at some point.
[laughter]
[Stavros chuckles]
My whole family's in
kind of a transitionary period right now.
My cousin learned
a very valuable lesson recently,
which is if you wait too long to come out
to your grandmother,
you're gonna have to do it
every time you see her. Uh-huh.
[laughter]
Yeah. [chuckles]
Grandma's brains are pretty mush
at this point.
[laughter]
She's 94
and pretty openly craving death right now.
Um
She keeps asking to be sent to Greece
to die alone, which we're not gonna do.
Uh
Flights are pretty expensive
right now, but
[laughter]
[chuckles]
I see where she's coming from.
She's, like, senile.
She's not moving around that well.
She's never gonna wake up and be like
[exhales] "Nice!"
Right? That's
That's never gonna happen again.
She's sort of in
the Mortal Kombat phase of life.
[laughter]
She's kind of existing like
[laughter]
She's in the "finish her" stage of life.
[laughter]
Slipped in the bathtub fatality.
[laughter]
I get it, though, if you're old
and wanna k*ll yourself,
you should be able to. Who cares?
-[cheering and whooping]
-Yeah.
And you should be able to do it
in a fun way.
[whooping continues]
Settle some scores on the way out.
[laughter]
Did your grandfather invent
something awesome,
but his boss stole the patent
and got rich off his idea?
Strap Grandpa to a rocket,
sh**t him right at that guy's house.
[laughter]
Maybe you resent your daughter
for putting you in a nursing home.
Well, the next time she comes
to visit, you go,
"I think they're trying to k*ll me
in here."
She'll be like, "You're being ridiculous.
Nobody's trying to k*ll you."
She leaves. You k*ll yourself, right?
[laughter]
She spends the rest of her life trying
to solve a cold case that doesn't exist.
[laughter]
That ought to show her.
Maybe you're an old man with a bad heart.
You're not supposed to take d*ck pills
with a bad heart,
but you're trying to die, right?
So I say load up on d*ck pills
and hire two of the finest sex workers
money can buy.
You sit them down, and you go,
"Gals, whoever makes me bust the most
gets my entire inheritance."
[laughter]
End your life on a true suck-off.
It'll have to be official.
We'll do it like a chess match,
you know, like a [sucks and pops]
You know?
[sucks, clicks tongue]
You know?
Tongue to ba*ls four.
[laughter]
[man] Oh sh*t!
Yeah, I think we just invented
a Japanese game show, folks.
[laughter]
[chuckles softly]
It's a bummer that my grandma's
coming towards the end of her life.
You know, that's sad.
She's losing a little bit, but at least
she hasn't revealed herself to be r*cist.
That's a nice bonus.
I feel like most senile grandparents
start talking like it's the '30s
real fast.
[laughter]
I find it weird
when any old person is very political.
You want to spend your remaining years
worrying about sh*t like cancel culture?
[laughter]
One of my buddy's grandpa, he tries
to talk to me 'cause he knows I do comedy.
All the time, he's like, "You guys
can't even say anything anymore, huh?"
"I hate it.
I can't even say anything either."
It's like, you don't f*cking go
anywhere, man, you know?
You can say whatever you want
in your f*cked-up little recliner.
-No one's gonna
-[laughter]
No one's gonna take
your Hungry Man dinners away.
[laughter]
But a lot of people in my generation,
they seem to wanna say slurs really badly.
That seems to be like a civil-rights issue
for certain people.
[laughter]
And that's really stupid for many reasons,
mostly because
if you're allowed to say them,
then they're not a little treat.
You know what I mean? Like it's not
It's not fun if it's allowed,
you f*cking dorks.
It's gotta be a little naughty.
[laughter]
But obviously, you can't let them fly
in a polite society, you know,
so we need some kind of compromise.
I think I've got it.
Like, I'm not a big g*n guy. I don't think
we should have them everywhere.
I think accidents can happen.
People can get hurt.
I don't want one in my house.
I think I know what's gonna happen
if it's in my house.
[laughter]
I think I know who's getting got
at my house.
[laughter]
And it's not an intruder, but
Even I can admit
they're fun to sh**t sometimes, you know?
Once in a while,
you just wanna squeeze that trigger
and just pretend you're John Wick,
you know?
That's why we have g*n ranges, right?
-They're safe. Nobody gets hurt. Great.
-[man guffaws]
By that same thinking,
why don't we have slur ranges, you know?
Just just somewhere deep in the woods.
[laughter]
Put on some heavy earmuffs and just
[inhales deeply] let it fly.
You know, who's that hurting?
[laughter]
That's where you wanna do it.
Not at a company happy hour.
Not
[laughter]
at brunch with your wife's friends.
In the woods.
And there's gonna be background checks,
of course, you know.
If you were too sad about Charlie Kirk,
you don't get to come, you know?
-[laughter]
-You're allowed to be sad.
I'm not saying that,
but you get two posts, okay?
Let's not overdo it. That's all.
[laughter]
There still are some slur ranges
in our society, obviously.
Uh, certain lake houses, right?
Country clubs, sure.
Police break rooms. Oh yeah, big-time.
[laughter]
[chuckles]
Our boys in blue are up to
some kooky stuff these days.
I don't know if you're paying attention.
[laughter]
Here's what I don't get about cops,
here's my number one
the thing that I find most interesting.
Why is the customer service so bad?
[laughter]
Why are they so aggressive
and demand so much respect?
Every cop talks to you
like you just f*cked their girlfriend.
[laughter]
No other municipal employee
can talk to you that way.
A garbage man can't be like,
"You will address me as sir
if I have to take this recycling!"
[laughter]
Why not? His job's harder.
He can't double-park the truck
and get half off Chipotle.
[laughter]
[man whooping]
Cops love doing that sh*t, dude.
They love parking illegally.
They treat their job like
Have you ever had a friend
who works fast food?
And he's like, "Yeah, the job sucks,
but when my boss isn't looking,
I take some burgers, I take some fries."
"I mean, it's only right.
I work at the burger store."
[scattered laughter]
Cops do that, but with their job,
they're like, "Yeah, the job sucks,
but when my boss isn't looking,
I drive drunk and hit my wife."
[laughter]
"I work at the crime store."
"I should be able to do a little crime."
-"What the"
-[laughter]
"You think I'm doing this to help people?
What are you, a f*cking toddler?"
[laughter]
[chuckles]
It's it's nuts now, though,
'cause ICE has made those cops
look reasonable by comparison.
[laughter]
Like, in Minneapolis,
after ICE m*rder*d those people,
Minneapolis PD came out and was like,
"Guys, not us this time."
[laughter]
"ICE, are you f*cking kidding me, dude?"
"Two in a row? Two white ones
in broad daylight? For real?"
"Was it your birthday?"
"Am I missing something?"
[laughter]
Trump really has created
a jobs program for men
that have thrown full cans of Monster
at their mother's head before.
[laughter]
[chuckles]
[scattered applause]
Do you have lead paint poisoning,
and have you ever destroyed an Xbox 360?
[laughter]
Good news, ICE is hiring.
[laughter]
"Hey, uh,
you see that little Honduran girl?"
"She sniped you in Halo, actually."
[laughter]
"Duh, whatever you say, boss."
[laughter]
"Duh, I think it's cool
you're a pedophile,
as long as I get to be r*cist."
[laughter]
-[cheering and applause]
-It's so not.
Stop.
Too much. Too much.
Stop it.
I know we're still all charged
from tossing that guy out earlier, but
[laughter]
-[traffic hums]
-[Stavros's muffled voice]
[tense music playing]
[Stavros] Don't be like, "I'm a good guy."
[microphone feedback]
[tense music swells]
[dramatic sting]
[laughter]
Obviously, cops are put into some
f*cked-up situations as well, for sure.
Like, I don't understand
why cops deal with homeless people.
That never made sense to me.
'Cause that's a mental health problem,
you know?
Like, insane people
and aggressive people don't mix.
[scattered laughter]
You shouldn't call the cops
if somebody's sh1tting in a Panera Bread.
-That's
-[laughter]
That's a job for the gentlest guy
you've ever met in your life.
-That's
-[laughter]
That's a job for a man in a polycule,
you know? Um
[laughter]
Has a great relationship
with his wife's boyfriend, Jeffrey.
[laughter]
That's who you want for the homeless,
not somebody with CTE
from junior college football.
[laughter]
Too much sh*t's ill*gal, you know.
Cops deal with
so much little trivial sh*t.
Like, why our drug laws
are f*cking stupid. I don't
Like, why is sex work ill*gal, you know?
Show your t*tties, buy a pinball machine.
That's the American dream.
[cheering and applause]
[Stavros chuckles softly]
Yeah, dude,
it works in other countries, right?
In Europe, they have sex work.
I was in Amsterdam a couple years ago
with some buddies, and I was like,
"Hey, fellas."
[laughter]
"You know, why don't we check out
the red-light district?"
[man guffaws]
And they're like,
"No, we don't really want to."
And I was like,
"Yeah, but maybe we should, you guys."
[laughter]
[exhales softly]
[laughter continues]
[Stavros breathing deeply]
They're like, "Uh, okay, I guess
we can walk by it on our way to dinner."
I was like, "Great! We'll just walk by it
on our way to dinner. Perfect."
And then I took $900 out of the ATM
after that conversation.
[laughter]
And my strategy was
my plan was to pretend
I got swept up in the moment, you know?
[laughter]
My plan was just to be walking around
and be like, "Wow, this is phew."
[scattered laughter]
"Now, this architecture is lovely."
[laughter]
"Hey, what the hell? I think I'm gonna go
pay two ladies to give me head."
[scoffs] "What?"
[laughter]
[chuckling]
[Stavros chuckles]
Then I got there. I don't know if you've
been to a bustling red-light district.
I wouldn't call it romantic.
Um
[laughter]
Like, a really busy red-light district
feels like an Instagram model's comments
come to life.
[laughter]
You know, just a bunch of, like, Indian
and Eastern European dudes like,
[in an accent] "p*ssy, for money,
I have to f*ck."
"Please, for money, the p*ssy."
"p*ssy to f*ck for money, I have it.
Please, baby, please."
[laughter]
You just have to get in line
behind those guys.
[laughter]
Just have to f*cking sit there
and be like
[blowing]
[laughter]
[laughter]
[Stavros sighing]
"Hope these guys f*ck this lady fast."
-[laughter]
-[Stavros chuckles]
So I can f*ck her immediately after?
That's crazy, dude.
I don't even like
when the toilet seat is still warm.
[laughter]
I'm not against it, by the way.
If you know a chill red-light district,
you let me know.
[scattered laughter]
I'm pro sex work. I'm pro h* in general.
I feel like h*s are
too maligned right now.
[woman cackles]
I'm sorry, you have something awesome,
and you share it with many people.
I believe that's how Mister Rogers
taught us to behave.
[laughter]
[audience applauding]
This woman sounds like
an excellent neighbor to me.
[laughter]
I don't get the body count sh*t either,
you know.
A lot of dudes are obsessed
with how many people somebody slept with.
It's like, "You gotta be under five bodies
if you wanna be with me."
It's like, really, dude,
you also wanna go to a restaurant
where it's guy's third pizza
he's ever made in his life?
[laughter]
You want some guy like,
[timidly] "Uh, three cups mozzarelly?"
[whimpers] "Help!"
[laughter]
Not me. I need that m*therf*cker in there
[vocalizing]
[laughter]
[scattered whooping]
[in an Italian accent] "Hey,
who wants focaccia?"
[mutters indistinctly]
"Come on, hop on my Vespa.
Let me suck your d*ck."
[Stavros chuckles]
[laughter]
That's the kind of pizzaiolo
I need in my life.
Which is an obviously stupid life.
I understand that.
I live a very hedonistic,
very pleasure-based life. I get that.
I'm thinking about, you know, stopping,
becoming a grown man, I guess.
Almost everybody around me
is having families.
That seems cra
It seems like I'm so far away from that.
But it is making me understand
the appeal of becoming a stepfather.
-Uh
-[laughter]
Somebody's working on my family right now.
[mutters indistinctly]
[laughter]
I can't wait to meet them.
It's gonna be so awesome.
-Um
-[laughter]
[Stavros chuckles]
Show up in eight years,
buy a couple of bikes,
don't be a criminal.
I'm the best guy she's ever been with.
Yeah, I can handle that.
[laughter]
And some might argue
there's no higher form of cucking a man
than raising his children.
[laughter]
Your boy will only know my customs now,
and there's nothing you can do about it.
[laughter]
I apologize.
I know 40% of my fan base is men
without access to their children anymore,
-but
-[laughter]
that f*cking b*tch is gonna come
crawling back any day now. Dude, don't
As soon as crypto pops,
that f*cking wh*re is coming back.
-[laughter]
-[Stavros chuckles]
[woman laughs]
My brother did force
a little responsibility onto me recently.
He had a kid,
so I'm an uncle as of this year.
-Pretty sick. Yeah.
-[audience cheering]
Yeah, I love the kid. He's so cute.
He's just a fat little piece of sh*t.
He's the best.
[laughter]
He's the only thing
my family agrees on.
We get together every once in a while
just to gas this baby up.
[laughter]
"You're the f*cking most handsome,
smartest guy
I've ever seen in my f*cking life."
"Do you understand me?"
[laughter]
"Holy f*ck, that kid is beautiful!
Jesus Christ!"
[whistles]
"And he's smart. Mom, tell them
what you were telling me earlier."
[in a Greek accent] "Earlier, I saw him,
and he was looking at the milk."
[laughter]
"Holy f*ck, this kid looks at milk
good as f*ck!"
[laughter]
Yeah, I used to make fun of people
who overrated babies in their family,
but I'm all in now.
Took him to the aquarium,
he called every fish a dog.
It's like, "Yep, those are dogs, buddy.
Good job."
"Start barking, stingray.
You're embarrassing my nephew."
[laughter]
[Stavros chuckles]
I see babies his age,
I'm like, "He could f*ck him up, dude."
"f*ck him."
[laughter]
"Kid's a f*cking pip-squeak."
[Stavros chuckling]
I'm jealous of his life too.
Being a baby's awesome.
Everybody you meet
wants to be your friend so bad.
Everybody treats you like a little sultan.
You know, they bring you gifts
and try and curry favor.
[laughter]
And you can react from the heart,
you know.
It's like, "Hey, buddy, look,
I got you an Elmo."
It's like, "Elmo? I'm a f*cking
Big Bird guy, you f*cking idiot."
[laughter]
"Ma, who's this frumpy dumbass
that brought me the wrong toy?"
[laughter]
[screaming]
[screaming]
And then he gets anything he wants.
All you have to do is scream?
Imagine you're having
the worst day of your life.
You're traveling. You're at an airport.
You just fall down, scream
and immediately, a giant woman that you
love more than anything in the world
picks you up and lets you suck
on her t*tties. Come on.
[laughter]
And think of these t*tties to scale.
We're talking
[laughter]
Pretty good setup, you gotta admit.
I am worried about him though, you know?
He's kind of growing up in a weird time.
I remember growing up, I was like, "Wow,
I guess it's just progress from here on."
-[laughter]
-[Stavros chuckles]
I don't know if he'll feel that way.
Who knows? We'll see.
They're rolling back a lot of sh*t
that I thought was just here to stay.
You know,
a lot of basic civil rights sh*t.
There's a lot of h*m* out there,
which I don't appreciate
as a member of the community.
People don't know this, but it's true.
Straight men whose lives
have been ruined by bisexual women.
-Um
-[laughter]
Uh, we are the plus.
-[Stavros chuckles]
-[laughter]
Mm-hmm. We're actually the plus in LGBTQ+.
It's us and straight girls
that wear overalls.
[laughter]
[Stavros chuckles]
And if people are h*m* right now,
if culture's a little h*m*,
it's really transphobic too,
which I don't get either.
You know,
there's like 80 trans people total,
and half the country wants to be
very rude to them for some reason.
[laughter]
Gotta respect what trans people are up to,
they're trying to get hot
against God's will.
[laughter]
I know what it's like.
I'm a test-tube baby.
God didn't want me here. f*ck you, dude.
[laughter]
I snuck in.
[laughter]
You're saying you were born in the body
of a man and became a sexy lady.
That's what Oppenheimer
should have been about.
[mutters indistinctly]
[laughter]
Now that's science I can use.
[Stavros chuckles]
As soon as trans guys
figure out beards that connect,
I'm the first person to sign up.
Look at these.
[laughter]
Look at these rosy-a*s cheeks, dude.
I have the cheeks
of a minor Disney character.
[laughter]
I have the cheeks of a helpful cobbler.
[laughter]
"They went this way, Belle."
[evil laughter]
And the irony is some of the most
transphobic people need trans science.
You know, look at a guy like Ben Shapiro.
You know him?
He's this political commentator.
He said a lot of transphobic,
h*m* stuff.
He also happens to have
objectively one of the squeakiest,
most b*tch-a*s voices of all time, right?
Not a value judgment, just a fact.
Even if you agree with the guy,
you hear him talk, you just wanna rob him.
-You know what I mean?
-[laughter]
He's got the kind of voice that should be
coming out of a toilet upside down.
[laughter]
"Wait till the dean hears about this."
[laughter]
"Unhand me."
[speaking gibberish]
-[laughter]
-[Stavros chuckles]
Eventually, trans guys
are gonna figure out cool, deep voices.
Right now many of them sound like Steve-O,
but they're gonna get it right eventually.
[laughter]
And when they do,
Ben could have a cool, deep voice.
J.K. Rowling, same thing.
You know her? She wrote Harry Potter.
She's been transphobic
on the Internet for like 30 years.
[scattered laughter]
You know J.K. Rowling's got
a f*cked-up p*ssy.
You know, just
[laughter]
[inhales softly]
Just a p*ssy like a British mouth,
you know, like a
[laughter]
like a soccer hooligan. Uh-huh.
[laughter]
Right now scientists are making
cool pussies out of ball skin as we speak.
And they could probably hem
your sh*t up too, J.K.,
if you weren't such a dumb b*tch
about the whole thing, that's all.
That's all I'm saying.
Yeah.
It is crazy. It seems to have really,
like, melted people's brains.
Trans people that have nothing to do
with their lives,
they're obsessed with them.
Like, I had a friend
who I agree with on a lot of stuff,
recently, he was like, "Come on, man,
isn't this stuff a little weird?"
I was like, "You know what?
Yeah, it's a little weird."
Every generation is weirder
than the one before it.
You don't have a buzz cut
and drink milk with supper.
Your dad thinks you're g*y too.
I don't know what to tell you.
[laughter]
That's how sh*t works, dude.
Everything gets gayer over time.
You know, and look,
you don't have to know sh*t.
I'm 37. I'm done with knowledge.
I don't want to learn any more.
I don't really know
what being non-binary is.
In my head, it's like soft serve.
[laughter]
You just gonna have the one main flavor
and then the other main flavor,
and then you got a little mix
somewhere in the middle.
[laughter]
That's all I need conceptually.
I'll call you whatever.
I'll take it one step further.
No matter how you identify,
if I think you're hot,
I'll f*ck you. All right? That's
[laughter]
-[audience cheering]
-Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, that's
Thank you.
That's the kind of guy I am. Thank you. I
I have certain
unshakable moral principles.
[laughter]
Some of the best head I've ever got
has been from a couple they/thems,
so I don't
I don't know what they're teaching
in non-binary school, but keep it up.
[laughter]
[chuckles]
Yeah, I have hooked up
with some non-binary people,
and I didn't want to use
gendered language.
But I think I overcorrected.
I think I overdid it.
At the end, I was like,
"Hey, that was really fun.
Thanks for the p*ssy, dog."
[laughter]
[blowing air]
[vocalizing]
-[Stavros chuckles]
-[laughter]
"Get outta here, you scamp."
[laughter]
Look, everybody complains.
You can't say things you could've said,
but sometimes it flips.
Sometimes now you're allowed to say sh*t
you weren't allowed to in the past.
Like in the '90s, when g*y culture
was first becoming mainstream,
there was a kind of straight guy
that wanted to be funny
who would, like, see a g*y couple
and be like, "So who's the chick?"
And at the time, everyone's like,
"Hey, neither one of them is the chick."
"Okay? These are grown men.
That's very h*m* thinking."
But now all my g*y friends
very publicly identify
as either tops or bottoms,
and it's like, that's what those guys
were asking. I don't
[laughter]
They weren't like, "Who does the dishes?"
No. Who f*ck who in the a*s
is what they wanna know.
And frankly, I think
we owe them an apology now.
Now that you can find that information
on Instagram bios.
[laughter]
Yes, these are
the deep philosophical thoughts
that the birth of my nephew has inspired.
[laughter]
It's true. I've been thinking
about everything more.
The world, even my own life.
Obviously, it's so awesome having
a nephew. He's the man. He's the best.
But when your little brother
starts a beautiful family,
it really makes you understand
what a piece of sh*t you are.
I'm this kid's father's older sibling
who is single and childless.
That is textbook dirtbag uncle stuff.
[laughter]
You know? Remember your uncle?
That uncle that would show up
five hours late to every family function
with his own set of Tupperware.
Load up, get drunk,
and immediately drive home.
"Come on, sweetheart, blow into this
so Uncle Stav can start his Mazda."
[laughter]
"You don't want me
to be late for work, do you?"
[chuckles]
That's the kind of uncle I'm gonna be.
Like, my brother
completely changed his entire life.
You know, changed his work schedule
so he could spend time with his son.
Redid his house,
bought furniture for specific stages
of the baby's development.
The last piece of furniture
I bought was a bed
that was the right height
so I could f*ck standing up.
[laughter]
And that's hard 'cause they don't list
those dimensions online anywhere.
No matter how many times
I've emailed Wayfair about it.
The way I get around this, I just hit up
IKEA with my most petite male friend.
[laughter]
Anytime we have a potential winner,
it's like, "All right."
"Get up there, little buddy.
Let's see what we got."
"I don't know, I'm still kind of
still gotta be on my tiptoes."
"Oh no, sir, could you go around?"
"We're still checking this one out.
Thanks."
[laughter]
"Uh, uh, I'm sorry, g*y?"
"How could it be g*y, idiot?
It's for getting p*ssy."
[laughter]
"You f*cking believe this guy, dude?"
[moaning]
[Stavros chuckling]
Dry humping your boys at IKEA,
that's some real dirtbag uncle stuff,
right there.
But that's okay, 'cause I've realized
you can still be a positive influence
in a child's life
even as their dirtbag uncle.
I'm gonna be
his first taste of peer pressure.
[laughter]
I'm gonna buy him beer
before he even asks, you know?
He's like, "No, that's okay."
It's like, "That's cool. I should've known
you were a b*tch like your dad."
[laughter]
[blows air]
It's gonna be so awesome,
mocking my brother through his son.
I didn't even think of that.
[laughter]
Using my beloved nephew
as a pawn in my games.
Hell, yeah, dude.
Buy him an electric guitar. It's like,
"Yeah, enjoy the first nine seconds
of 'Sweet Child O' Mine'
over and over again."
"That's what you get
for beating me in FIFA 20 years ago."
[laughter]
They get in a fight. He's a teenager.
He's like, "f*ck you, Dad."
"I'm gonna go live with Uncle Stav."
I welcome him with open arms.
[laughter]
"Buddy, get in here."
We're getting f*cked-up.
We're sleeping on beanbag chairs,
you know?
[laughter]
I'm letting him use what, by that point,
I assume will be my Meta jerk-off station.
Ahem!
Just a tube filled with goo.
You put on a helmet. You're like
[woman exclaims]
[laughter]
"Catherine Zeta-Jones, Zorro."
[laughter]
[scattered applause]
"Increase breasts 40%."
[laughter]
"Make her Taiwanese."
[laughter]
"Make me Antonio Banderas from Zorro."
[laughter]
"You know, go ahead
and make her Antonio Banderas too."
[laughter]
So he's using that. He's having
the time of his life, you know,
and, uh, eventually wakes up.
He's like, "Um, do you think
I could go to school this week?"
It's like, "Oh, buddy, no,
school's f*cking g*y."
You know, I'm doing nunchucks. I'm like
[laughter]
He's like, "Dad, can you come pick me up?"
"Uncle Stav refuses to close his robe."
[laughter]
"Stay out of the dojo if you're not ready
to train, little buddy."
Nuts swinging like a grandfather clock.
-[laughter]
-[blowing air]
[Stavros chuckles]
Meeting him was maybe
the best day of my life, you know,
one of the most special moments.
He's straight from the hospital.
He's like four days old.
You know, I'm over at my brother's place.
He's changing his diaper.
We're laughing at his little p*nis.
-Uh
-[laughter]
And that's when I understood
unconditional love, uh,
'cause immediately, I thought,
"I hope his d*ck is bigger than mine."
And I have never wanted that
for another man ever in my life.
[laughter and applause]
Yeah, the kid's changing me.
What can I say?
I'm a little worried 'cause right now
he does have a little d*ck, huge nuts,
and I'm scared he inherited my setup, but
[laughter]
we'll get him the right vitamins,
some red light therapy.
He's gonna be fine.
We're gonna bio-hack my nephew's p*nis.
Don't even worry about that.
But even holding this baby, right,
four days old,
a newborn that I love
more than any newborn ever,
it really just made me double down
on my ab*rtion stance.
'Cause I'm holding this baby,
and I'm like, "This isn't a person now."
[laughter]
Four days old, won't look you in the eyes,
won't say sh*t.
You do this to him, two seconds, done.
That's not
That's not a guy.
If a wayward blanket can take you out,
you're not a guy, I'm sorry.
[laughter]
He's gonna ask me for advice someday.
That's crazy to think about.
He won't know what a piece of sh*t
I've been until this moment of my life.
He'll just see me as a wise old man.
So I was thinking,
what advice would I give my nephew
or really anybody younger than me?
And if I could boil it down,
it just comes down to be fun.
Be fun, because if you're a good time,
people let a lot of sh*t slide.
[laughter]
For real.
The proof of this is the way we treat
Italy versus Germany after World w*r II,
'cause they were on the same team.
People really seem to forget that.
One gets a pass 'cause they have
better vibes though, right?
[laughter]
Like, at the end of the w*r,
you know, Germany was just like,
[in a German accent] "We are very sorry
for the pain we cause."
Italy was a lot more like,
"Whoopsie daisy."
[laughter]
[in a Italian accent] "Things got
a little crazy back there, huh?"
[laughter]
"Come on,
who wants some limoncello? Please."
"Come on, hop on my Vespa.
Let me suck your d*ck."
[laughter]
That's gonna do it for me, folks.
Thank you so much.
[audience cheering and applauding]
You're the best.
I love you.
[cheering and applause continue]
[upbeat music playing]
[man yells] Hey, yo, Stav!
How dare you kick me out of the show!
-Whoa. Whoa.
-You're about to die, you--
[Stavros shrieks]
-[Stavros] What were you up to?
-A hit-and-run.
Hit-and-run. Nice!
[laughing]
The most scumbag crime there is.
[Stavros's laugh continues]
A hit-and-run.
I'm in the Navy.
You had too many options,
and you landed on Navy, I'm guessing.
I wanted to do something
Uh, I wanted to do something special.
[Stavros] Oh, man, and you picked
to be in the U.S. military.
[Stavros and audience laughing]
-I saved a lot of people's lives.
-Saved?
How about you save this? [farts]
[laughter]
Suck it, huh?
Everybody! f*ck this guy!
[laughing maniacally]
[drums beating]
[audience laughing]
[drumbeats intensify]
-[music stops]
-[camera clicks]
[police siren wailing]
Run.
What? Go.
[shouts] Get out of here, man. Go!
[siren approaching]
Thank you. You literally saved my life.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Running from yourself now
Can't hear what you're told
Never let your guard down
Anywhere you go
In the right place
At the right time
And still you sink into the floor
It's never enough
It's never enough
Never enough
Love
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Stavros Halkias: Uncle Stav (2026)
Moderators: Maskath3, sidolanters, GabrielAlejo2341