14x04 - Blood is Thicker Than Grease/Don't Make Me Laugh

[bunniefuu]

- Are you ready, kids?

kids:
Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you.

kids:
Aye, aye, Captain!

- ♪ Ohh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea? ♪

kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Absorbent and yellow
and porous is he ♪

kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ If nautical nonsense
be something you wish ♪

kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Then drop on the deck
and flop like a fish ♪

kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!
- Ready?

all:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

- SpongeBob

SquarePants!

[laughing]

[flute plays]

[waves crashing]

[bright music]

♪ ♪

[quirky music]

- [grunts]
Yes!

My new Tootsie Trampler
is finally complete!

At last, I will be the stomper,
not the stompee.

[laughs maniacally]

[stomping]

Ouch, Karen!
Help!

- I think we have company.

Oh, here.
Let's exfoliate you.

- [grunts]

[melodic horn honks]

- Who is that?

[bright music]

Holy moly macarooney.

Huh?
[grunts]

- Howdy, son!

- Ma? Pa?

- Karen,
is that a new monitor?

- Oh, you charmer.
[giggles]

- Knock it off, Romeo.

- Huh?

How could you afford
this ridiculous monstrosity?

- Your ma and me
won the lottery...

- [laughs]
- So we moved to the big city.

Just like our
too-fancy-for-pants son.

- We got ourselves a butler.

- Your spittoon, madam?

Very good.

- Want a tour of the vehicle?

- Not really.
- Come on in!

- Oh, real classy.

- Purty fancy, ain't it?

- That depends
on your definition

of pretty and fancy.
[screams]

- Our new homestead on wheels
has all the creature comforts.

- Like this velvet
feeding trough for Elmer.

Now, he can wallow
in luxury instead of filth.

- No, Elmer!
Put me down! Ow!

- And a side-by-side outhouse
for them romantical evenings.

Mwah!
[flushes]

- Plus, there's room
for the whole Plankton clan.

ALL: Howdy!

[friendly chatter]

- Ugh, hello.

So how long
are you visiting for?

Seven, five,
maybe three minutes?

- We're here to stay, son.

We're following
your lead and starting up

our own restaurant.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- The Spud Bucket!

[upbeat bluegrass music]

- What in the wha?

♪ ♪

- Guess what's on the menu.

- Let me guess, potatoes?

- Oh, you done peeked.
We got tater sandwiches.

- Spud cakes.

- Our fresh squeezed
tater juice.

[cow moos]

- Ugh.
Ah!

- Just for the kids,
tater balloons.

[together]
Ow!

And the coup de grace,
Spud Surprise.

Oh, Cousin Cletus!
- Yep!

Did somebody say surprise?

Yahoo!
- So much for my new monitor.

- Yeah, that's fine.
It's also stupid.

No one's going to eat
at a restaurant

that only serves potatoes.

- Oh, boy!
- Potatoes!

- Hey, everybody,

this place sells
nothing but potatoes!

- Potato?
Ooh!

Hey, there's a new potato
restaurant across the street!

- I never say no
to a starchy tuber.

Bleh.
[giggles]

- Oh, boy!
[indistinct chatter]

- Run to the potatoes, Sir!

- I'm going to need this
for spuds!

- [gasps]
Where's everybody going?

- One of everything, please.

- A bunch of potatoes,
with extra peel.

- [groans]

Karen?
- Yes, dear?

- People are idiots.
- Yes, dear.

- Wait, Larry!

Wouldn't you like a nice,
protein-packed Krabby Patty?

- Yeah, sorry, bro,
but Larry needs to carbo load.

Weirdo.
- Oh.

That was me last customer.
- Hmm.

Maybe I can work this
to my advantage.

- Oh, me restaurant.

[sobs]

- [hums melody]

- Order up.

Order up.

- Aw, business
a little slow today, Krabs?

- That Spud Bucket has
siphoned off all me customers!

- My family's new restaurant
has put you out of business.

You may as well
just give me the formula.

You got no use for it now.

- [sighs]
You're right.

Boyo, come here.

[face beeping]

- Oh!

- You win, Plankton.

Since no one wants
Krabby Patties anymore,

me formula is worthless.

- Yes!

With this worthless formula,
I can take over the world!

- Does that make your plan

for world domination
worthless, too?

- Wait a minute.
[sighs]

Oh, no.
Karen, take me home.

- Oh, muffin.

- [giggles]
[cackles]

- What's so funny, Mr. Krabs?
- Oh, nothing.

I just sent a series of events
in motion

that will soon solve
all our problems.

- How am I going to shut down
that stupid Spud Bucket?

- Why don't you call
the health inspector?

He shuts us down every week.

- Karen, you're a genius.

And since I built you,
I'm a double genius.

[phone beeps]

- Bikini Bottom
Health Department.

- Just look at it.

This joint is completely
infested with vermin.

The vermins are even
preparing the food.

[all laughing and humming]

- Oh my.

This restaurant
doesn't deserve an A.

[cash register chiming]

It deserves
a triple A plus!

- What?
- Whoo-hoo! Thank you.

That's right neighborly.

- And thank you, sir,
for your generous donation

to the Health Inspector
Benevolent Fund.

- Always ready to help
the less fortunate.

- Eh.

[upbeat country music]

Huh?

So you want customers, eh?

I'll give you a customer.

- Howdy, son.

What you got there?

- I brought you a restaurant
warming present, Dad.

Behold, the Insatiable Bulk!

Come on in.
It's all you can eat.

- Oh, boy!

I can eat this.
I can eat all of this!

[munching]
I can eat this!

[giggles]

I can eat--I--
aww.

[chomps]

[giggles]

- Hey!
- [screams]

- So long, Spud Bucket.

- Whoo-hoo!
Yeehaw!

- Huh?

- Well, I just have
to thank you.

This Patrick feller
is the Jim dandiest

tater masher I ever did see.

- [grunts]

Ah.

[giggles]

- [groans]
Barnacles!

Ow!
- [giggles]

Things are going
even better than I hoped.

- I love when you get
all Machiavellian, Mr. Krabs.

- I got a load of potatoes
for the, uh, Spud Bucket.

- Hold on.

I've got a delivery, too.

Fire in the hole!

[expl*si*n]

Huh?
Ah.

♪ ♪

- [chomps]
Mm.

This tater shrapnel
is better than Frenchy fries.

- Mm-hmm!

- Your awful Spud Bucket
has ruined

my plans to conquer the world.

Now what am I supposed to do?

- Well, why don't you
come work for us?

- The Spud Bucket
is a family business,

and you're family, son.

- Well,
if I can't sabotage 'em,

annihilate 'em, or squelch 'em,
I might as well join 'em.

[humming melody]

Ah, hey!

One Spud du Jour.

♪ ♪

Yep, you know,
cooking food that people

really want to eat actually
makes me pretty happy.

- Your tater, sir.
- Oh, boy!

[chomps]

Bleh!

Eeeh!

Excuse me, what is in
this peculiar potato?

- That's a Potato
a la Plankton.

With just a pinch of chum
for flavor.

- Oh, no.
You're the chef?

Everyone,
put down your potatoes.

Plankton is in the kitchen!

- [gags]
- [gags]

[dramatic music]

[all spit]

[screaming]

- [sighs]
- I don't get it.

What happened?

- Guess our tater restaurant
is a big fat failure.

- Ah, well.
You win some and you lose some.

Cousin Cletus!

Another surprise, please.
- [giggles]

[melodic horn honking]

- So long, son!

- We're off to buy
a football team.

[honks]

- [cackles]

Turns out me formula's
worth something after all.

Who's the loser now, Plankton?
Surprise!

- Did somebody say surprise?
Yah!

- [together]
Surprise.

[both groan]

[bright music]

♪ ♪

- I love going to the movies.

The sticky floors
make me feel grounded.

- I can't wait for you
to see this movie, SpongeBob.

It's the funniest thing
I've never seen in your life.

There's this one part
where this guy...

[laughs]
- Two combos, please.

- Is wearing a hat.
[laughing]

- No spoilers, Patrick.

[soaring orchestral music]

♪ ♪

"Prudence in Love"?

That doesn't sound funny.

Patrick, are you sure
we're in the right theater?

- [laughs]
Shh!

♪ ♪

- I love you, Prudence.
- And I you, Nathaniel.

- But I love you more,
Prudence.

- Then I love you slightly more
than that, Nathaniel.

- It's not
a competition, Prudence.

- But if it were,
I'd be winning.

- Aw, this is so sweet.

[whispers]
But it's not funny.

- [laughs]

- But your laughter
is so infectious.

[laughter]

- And just then,
all the years

of excessive laughing
finally took their toll,

and SpongeBob's funny bone
got stuck in high gear.

[laughter]

- It's not
that funny, SpongeBob.

- [continues laughing]

- Hey, what are you
laughing at?

This is a melodrama,
not a comedy.

- Yes!
Take a hike, Chuckles.

[audience booing]

- Can you believe this guy,

laughing all through
the movie like that?

- Who is making all that noise?

- [laughing]

- All right, laughing boy,

take your hardy har hars
outside!

[audience cheering]

- Oh!

[laughs]
Huh? Uh-oh.

Why can't--
why can't I stop laughing?

[laughs]

Oh, what am I going to do?
[giggles]

I'll just have to--
hold it in.

[snickers]

[grunts]

[muffled chuckling]

I know.
I'll just hold my breath.

[inhales deeply]

- No doubt about it, sir.

You look fantastic in that hat.

- [laughs]

- Oh, I look fantastic, huh?
- Oh, wait.

I'm not laughing at you.

I really like that hat.
[laughing]

- [sobbing]

- You're crying
over spilled milk!

[laughs]
Sorry! Sorry. Sorry.

[upbeat music]

[giggles]

OK, if I can just make it
to the kitchen,

nobody will hear me laughing.

[chuckles]

- SpongeBob,
kindly get in the kitchen.

And off of my face!
- Your face?

[laughs]

- What's so funny
about my face?

- Well, there's nothing
funny about your--

face.
[laughs]

- Don't laugh at me.

I laugh at you.
Ha!

Don't listen to him.
You're beautiful.

Mwah.

- Nobody will hear
my laughs in here.

[groans]
[laughs]

- Hey, I'm eating here!

- Why is the restaurant
laughing at us?

- [laughs]
- Huh?

[growls]

- [laughing]
- SpongeBob!

- [laughing]

- Your little laughing prank

just scared away
all the customers.

Explain yourself, boyo!

- He's laughing
at my face, Mr. Krabs.

- Oh, I'm not laughing at you,
Squidward.

[stifled laughter]
I'm not laughing at anything.

[laughs]
Mr. Krabs, what do I do?

- Think of happy thoughts
and just knock it off!

- I am offended!

There is no one here
to take my Fifi's order!

- Oh, gold-plated sorries,
Lady Upturn.

Mr. Squidward will take

your very important order
right away.

- Whoa!
I need an ambulance.

- [laughs]

- How dare you laugh
at my misfortune!

Mr. Krabs,
fire this cretin at once!

- You heard her.

Come back when you're not
a giggling idiot.

- Don't come back?

But, Mr. Krabs,
I'm not laughing on purpose.

[laughs]
- [gasps]

He's laughing at you, Fifi

- [laughing]

- [growls]

[snarling and chomping]

- I'm sorry, Fifi.

I'm a monster!

[laughing]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

I got to hide.

That way, my laughter
won't hurt anyone else.

[laughs]
OK, good.

It's dark.

If there's nothing to see,
there's nothing to laugh at.

Right?

[snickering]

- Today, we will be
operating on a robot.

- Oh, robot.
- How exciting.

- What will they think of next?

- I will begin
by loosening the first bolt.

Nurse, wrench.

[grunts]

Wow.
This is really on tight.

Nurse, sponge.

- Ooh.
[laughs]

- Laughing is not allowed
in the operating room.

Get out of here!

[electricity crackles]

[tense music]

- [laughs]
I am the surgeon now.

I am the surgeon now.
I am the surgeon now.

- Ooh.
- Ah.

- Ooh.
- Fascinating.

[upbeat music]

- [laughing]
- [grumbles]

- That is not funny.

[laughing]

♪ ♪

The cemetery.

There's nothing funny
in a cemetery.

[snickering]

Maybe I'll just live
the rest of my life here.

[somber music]

[muffled laughter]

♪ ♪

- [sobbing]
- [gasps]

Clowns?
Oh, no.

- There are two kinds of clowns
in this world,

clowns that are only laughing
on the outside,

and clowns that are
only laughing on the inside.

Sparkle Nose the Clown
was both,

and that's
what made him a star.

[horn honks]

[horns honking]

- So solemn.
I should leave.

Whoa!
[horn honks]

Hey!
[laughs]

Holy herring,
I'm squatting on a corpse.

- Would you get off my chest?

- [laughs]
Huh? You're alive?

- Of course, I'm alive.

This is a living funeral,
and you're ruining it.

- Sorry.

I'm not laughing at you,
Sparkle Nose.

Oh, I'll just
get off of your chest.

Whoa!

[whimsical music]

- I'm allergic
to wreath pollen!

Eeh, ah...

- Cheese it,
he's going to blow!

- Achoo!

- Sorry.
[laughs]

- You turned my clown funeral
into a joke!

[honking]

- [laughs]
Forgive me, Sparkle Nose!

[laughs]

- Hours later,
poor SpongeBob

still could not stop laughing.

And his laughing mouth
got so big,

it took over his whole face.

- Oh, I'm tired of all this
cackling and chuckling.

I feel more like I want to--

Oh, "Weep"?
"The saddest movie ever."

That's it!

A movie started my laughing.
Maybe a movie can stop it.

- [sobbing]
- [sobbing]

- [sobbing]

- [snickering]

[laughs]

- Shh!
- I'm sorry.

[laughs]
I can't hold it!

[laughing and slapping]

- [laughs]
- Huh?

- [laughing]
- Grandma?

You can't stop laughing either?
- Of course not, dearie.

My funny bone
got stuck years ago

when I was your age.
- Your funny bone?

- That's right.

It happens
to everyone in our family.

Be proud of that laugh,
SpongeBob.

To be a SquarePants
is to laugh loud at life.

Enjoy a good laugh with me.
- Oh, thanks, Grandma.

- These tearjerker movies
always crack me up.

[both laughing]

- [sobbing]

I'm all out of popcorn.

Now it's a tragedy.

[sobbing]