16x09 - Pardon My Wand / Stupor-stition

[bunniefuu]

[seagull squawking]

Are ya ready, kids?

[kids] Aye-aye, Captain!

I can't hear you!

[kids] Aye-aye, Captain!

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea? ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ Absorbent and yellow
and porous is he! ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ If nautical nonsense
be something you wish ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ Then drop on the deck
and flop like a fish! ♪

-♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!
-Ready?

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

[Painty the Pirate laughs]

[jaunty flute music]

Argh!

♪♪

♪ lively circus music playing ♪

Come on, Sandy,
you'll love the Magic Shack!

I guarantee you'll be astounded
and amazed!

I told ya, SpongeBob,

I ain't going to no phony
hocus-pocus show!

I'm a science squirrel.

I don't believe in magic!

But everyone needs a widdle
magic in their "wives."

Alright, I'll go.

But I'm notgonna wikeit.

[emcee] And now, prepare
to be astonished and stupefied

by the mysterious magic of...

-the Great Howdini!
-[fanfare plays]

♪ dramatic jazz music playing ♪

h*-h*!

[audience marvels]

-"Howdini" do that?!
-[audience cheers and applauds]

[yawns] Flash paper.

Oldest trick in the book.

Hmph.

[grunts]

[laughs] "Howdini" do that?!

[bored tone]
The cards are glued together.

[singing operatic high note]

-[cheering]
-"Howdini" do that?!

[groans] He's doing it all
with smoke and mirrors.

Okay! We get it!

-[laughs] Ha!
-[audience cheering]

[shouts] Huh? Sandy?

Wow!

[sings operatic high note]

Whoa!

Wow!

[both] "Howdini" do that?!

♪ jazz music fades out ♪

I am the all-powerful Howdini!

-[laughs malevolently]
-[audience] Ooh! Ah!

T-shirts can be purchased
in the lobby!

[audience cheering]

[French Narrator]
Abraca-Later...

[Sandy] I can't come up
with any logical explanation

for howhe did that.

It goes against science.

You can't explain magic, Sandy.

Mr. Howdini,
can I have an autograph?

I'd be delighted!

I can do a magic trick too!
[inhales]

[exhales]

Hmph. Amateur.

Hold my wand!

Can you sign my back?

[Howdini]
Here you go, my little friend.

-Your pen.
-Thank you! Whoops!

♪ dramatic musical stinger ♪

[both] I'll get it!

[in unison] Oh! Ow!

♪ whimsical music plays ♪

Thank you!

Wires?

No.

Holograms?

No.

Hypnosis?

Maybe.

Oh, Sandy, magic isn't logical.

See ya later.
I gotta go home and feed Gary!

[SpongeBob hums]

Huh? What?

Oh yeah, see ya.

[humming]

-[grunts]
-[buzzes]

[grunts, mutters]

[hiccups]

Ugh, too much
Magic Shack popcorn.

[humming]

[hiccups]

[roars]

[screaming]

[humming]

[hiccups]

[hums and hiccups]

Hey!

How many times have I told you

not to do what I told you
not to do?

I told you not to,
but you did not listen

and you did the thing
that I told you not to do

as if I never told you
not to do it.

[snickers]

[humming]

[hiccups]

[hums]

-Hey, Squidward!
-Can't hear you, spraying bugs!

[hiccups]

-[hums]
-♪ tense music plays ♪

[Squidward whimpers]

-[Squidward screaming]
-[punches landing]

[humming]

-Meow-meow.
-Gare-bear!

Mwah! What a day!

I saw Howdini the Great
do amazing things!

[hiccups] And Sandy
didn't believe in magic...

[hiccups] ...but Howdini
made her float up on stage...

[hiccups] ...and now she's not
so sure of herself.

-[hiccups]
-[rabbits whimper]

Gary, did you redecorate
the living room while I was out?

-I love it!
-[meows]

Oh of course I'll quit
my jabbering and feed you!

[titters]

Rotting vegetation!
Your favorite flavor.

Bon appetit!

[hiccups]

[munches]

[meows]

-[gasps]
-Gary!

Why are you eating
billiard ba*ls?

-[Gary gasps, chokes]
-[billiard ball clatters]

But I guess
the bigger question is...

why did Ifeed you
billiard ba*ls?!

[hiccups]

Huh?! Old Man Walker?

What are you doing here?
And where's Gary?

Meow.

You'reGary?

[scoffs] That's impossible!

Meow.

If you're Gary,

then tell me something only
the real Gary would know!

Meow.

I dobelch in my sleep.

Oh, Gary, it is you!

Gary, I think I'm seeing things.

Something must have happened
to me at Howdini's magic show!

-Meow?
-Good thinking, Gary.

I'll go to the emergency room
right now!

Don't forget to...

Well, you know.

Mwah!

-[door opens and closes]
-Meow?

[flashlight clicks]

♪ whimsical music plays ♪

[doctor] Ah, I see your trouble!

There's a magic wand inside you.

[hiccups]

And your hiccups
are setting it off.

[gasps] I must have mixed up
Howdini's wand

with my autograph pen!

Well, let me just dig in there
and get that wand for ya.

[growls]

[screams]

[whimpers] What if we just cure
your hiccups instead?

I'll get you some water.

[hiccups] Huh?

That'll fix it!

Thanks, Doc!

[water burbles]

[slurps] Yay!
My hiccups are gone!

-[rumbling]
-[chitters] Uh-oh...

[rapid hiccupping]

I don't need a doctor,
I need a Sandy!

[squeaking]

Yup. There's the wand!

I want to analyze that thing
and see how it makes magic.

It'll come loose
if I give it a good shake!

No. No, Sandy. No! [gibbers]

Yeah, I forgot to say.

The shaking is what triggers
the magic.

Good to know.

We gotta handle
this enchanted doohickey

real delicate-like.

-[hiccups]
-♪ mischievous music playing ♪

[chirping]

-Oops. Sorry. [laughs]
-[knocking on glass]

[grumbling]

Aw, dang. It's the magician.

Boy, does he look happy
to see us!

[wind blowing]

How'd you find us?

With your telepathic powers?

No.

-My wand has GPS.
-[beeps]

-Ooh!
-[beeping]

[giggles]

Here's your pathetic pen!

Now give me back my wand.

You've had your fun!

That's the problem, Howdooya.

Your wand is stuck in my friend
here and we can't shake it out.

Oh, I'll get it out.

Even If I have
to tear him apart!

-I'm coming to save you, Wanda!
-♪ sinister music playing ♪

I had a feeling
this guy was nuts.

I'll cut you
like a deck of cards!

-[laughs maniacally]
-[gasps]

Hey! Don't hurt my friend!

Sandy, what are you doing?

You're mymagic wand, SpongeBob!

[gasps]

[toilet flushes]

Dagnabbit! Magic stinks!

Eat magic, Dracula!

Hmph. [grunts]

[grunts] Whoa!

[growling]

-[whistles]
-[panting]

-Ooh. [grunts]
-Hey!

I've always wanted earrings!
[laughs]

Fly, my clammies! Fly!

-[clams cooing]
-This is a stretch

of the imagination,
but I'm a believer!

[Sandy grunts]

Thank you, Sandy!

I gotta take care
of a couple of things!

♪ music stops ♪

I just figured out how to get

the magic wand out of you,
SpongeBob!

Science!

-[grunts]
-[rattling]

Fizz b*mb Soda. Burp expl*si*n!

[panting rapidly]

[grunts]

The agitation of the soda
releases carbon dioxide,

which will force the wand
out of your body!

♪ gentle, playful music plays ♪

[soda fizzles]

Phew. That'll teach me not
to put stuff in my pores.

Alright, Howdooya,
I'll turn you back,

but onlyif you play nice.

I've never believed in science

until I saw that soda
and balloon trick!

"How-Sandy" do that?!

Aww, that's nothing.

I learned that trick
in 8th grade science class.

Can you tell me more about this
"science"?

Come on in to my lab.

I'll show you some experiments
that'll make your goatee spin!

-Here you go, SpongeBob.
-[gasps]

Who needs magic
when you have science!

Ooh!

♪♪

[French Narrator]
Ah, here we are,

back in Mr. Krabs'
old navy days.

And here is the young Mr. Krabs

-exercising the Navy's honor...
-[screams]

-...courage, and commitment...
-[whistling]

...by swabbing the deck.

[yawns]

-Careful there, swabbie.
-Hm?

It's bad luck
to walk under a ladder.

-Especially on Friday the 13th.
-♪ tense musical stinger ♪

Oh. [laughs]

I ain't stupor-stitious.

Just watch me!

See? Nothing.

All balderdash.

-[meows]
-Oh, and looky here.

A black snail
just crossed me path!

Nothing. Again. Zilch.

You're tempting fate, sailor!

Hmm.

What's another stupid-stition?

Oh, yeah!

Breaking a mirror!

[laughs]

-[thunder rumbling]
-Huh?

Red sky in morning,
sailor take warning!

Wha?!

♪ tense music plays ♪

[wind whistling]

[whimpers and screams]

[crew screams]

[gasps]

[wind howling]

I told ya so.

♪ tense music fades out ♪

-[Mr. Krabs] Friday the 13th.
-[woman screams]

Today's Friday the 13th!

I best be careful today.

[gasps] Horseshoe facing down!
Bad luck!

That's better.

[groans]

-[clanks]
-[horse whinnies]

Oh no.

-It's starting.
-♪ ominous music plays ♪

[horn honks]

[gasps] Wait a minute...

See a pin, let it lay,

and all good luck
will pass away.

Oh no!

♪ dramatic music plays ♪

-[horn toots]
-Phew!

-[horn honks]
-Ow!

♪ suspenseful music playing ♪

[screams and grunts]

-[groans]
-♪ comical rock music stinger ♪

[groaning]

Hm?

♪ ominous music playing ♪

[screams]

Umbrella open inside,

bad luck is on the tide!

-[grunts]
-[customer] Ow!

That pipe's been dripping
on my head all morning.

What am I supposed to do?!

Just enjoy the free shower.

[straining]

[sighs in relief]

[gasps] Shoes on the table,

your luck be unstable!

[grunts]

Excuse me?! Are you nuts?!

[whistling]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

An indoor whistle
brings luck's dismissal!

[whistling]

-[horn honks]
-[whistling stops]

What's the commotion
in the ocean?

It's Friday the 13th

and Mr. Krabs gets
more superstitious every year.

-[beeps]
-You didn't enter me restaurant

with your left foot, did ya?

Any boiled eggs in your pockets?

Stones from a cemetery?

Shrunken fish heads?

Okay, you're clean.

-[beeps]
-Hold it.

What's this?!

[woman screams]

Get out!

Psst.

Pal, if it weren't for bad luck,

you'd have no luck at all.

[laughs]

[whimpers]

[screams in terror, grunts]

[whimpering]

Ahoy, Mr. Krabs.

Your morning cup of tea,
coming right up!

[gasps] Stir with a knife,
you'll stir up strife!

[sizzling]

Ow.

[gasps] The evil eye!
Someone will die!

-Where'd you get that tie?
-This old tie?

Oh. It belonged
to my great-great grandfather.

[gasps] Dead man's tie,
the end is nigh!

[screams]

I'm not dead yet.

Hi, Great-Great Grandpa!

Here's your tie back.

Sponges can live
up to 200 years!

[grumbles] Maybe Krabs would
have time to fix this leaky pipe

if he didn't obsess
over dumb superstitions.

[grumbles, mutters]

If you want something done...

then do it yourself.

Get a hold of yourself, Krabs.

Don't tempt fate.

Just make it through the day.

♪ dramatic music plays ♪

-[screams]
-[mug shatters]

-How did you get in here?
-The back door.

Oh. Wait!

There is no back door
to my office.

Is that also bad luck?
It must be.

Are you bad luck? Am I bad luck?

Are we both bad luck together?

Oh, poo.

Did you just "poo" me?

You can't stay locked up
in your office forever.

The Krusty Krab needs managing.

Oh, I suppose you're right.

I'm probably getting all worked
up over nothing. [chuckles]

♪ sneaky music playing ♪

Looks like the coast is clear.

-Watch out for that puddle.
-Watch out for wha--

-[screams]
-♪ dramatic music playing ♪

Whoa! Ladder?!

-[meows]
-Another black snail?!

[grunts] Spilled salt?! [groans]

[loud thud]

♪ ethereal music plays ♪

Is he breathing? I can't tell.

[exhales]

There's his breath.
He's breathing.

[whimpers pitifully]

-Broken mirror?
-♪ ominous music playing ♪

Oh no! It's happening again!

[laughs maniacally]
Hydee-die-dee-die!

-Hydee-die-dee-die!
-♪ Irish rock music playing ♪

[laughs maniacally]

[all gasp]

Well, that didn't happen
in me old navy days.

-It's a leprechaun!
-No!

It's a lepre-can't!

A reverse leprechaun.

They're bad luck personified!

I told you so.

[screams]

[all exclaim]

Bottom of the morning to ya.

[whimpering]

'Smatter?
Snail got your tongues?

Why are ye just standing there
like you're made of wood?

Ha! Very well.
You're all made of wood.

-Shiver me timbers!
-♪ ominous music plays ♪

We're all timbers!

[laughs maniacally]

-[laughing continues]
-[screams]

What do we do?

We need to counteract
the bad luck

with some good luck!

It would be great if we could
find some.

Knock on wood.

That's it, boy-o!

Follow me!

Everyone knock on wood.

-[laughs]
-Ah!

[screams]

Me splittin' cranium!

[grumbles angrily]

[groaning]

-[clanging]
-[Squidward groans]

Look! A rainbow!

♪ traditional Irish music
plays ♪

[gasps, grunts]

[groans]

[Squidward groans]

-♪ heavenly music plays
-So it's true.

There are pots of gold
at the end of rainbows!

I could be rich
with all that gold.

I could quit my job
with all that gold!

I could spell my name out
on the floor with all that gold!

Wait! Nix!

Stay away from that pot!

Four-leaf clovers?

Rabbits' feet?

What happened to the gold?

Horseshoes? Wishbones?

These are all lucky charms.

A lucky cake!

[inhales deeply, huffs]

And guess who gets
to make a wish now.

Put those things back!
You mustn't touch them!

Sorry. Here ya go.

No!

[sighs]

All of a sudden,
I'm feeling lucky.

Nay! Cease!

Don't! Please!

♪ magical music plays ♪

Hydee-die-dee-die!
[vocalizes happily] Ha!

The lepre-can't just turned
into a lepre-can!

Oh-h*! Turned back into,
to be precise!

'Twas decades ago
that an old sea witch

turned me into a lepre-can't.

But thanks to you, I'm restored!

Oh, 'tis grand to be me old
green, good-luck self again.

Thank thee, gentlemen.

Return to meats from your heads
to your feets.

Yay! I'm porous again!

[giggles]

Now if I remember
the old legends correctly,

if you catch a leprechaun,

he's got to give you
his pot of gold.

♪ heavenly music plays ♪

Oh, please.

You don't believe
all that malarkey, do ya?

I've believed a lot today.

[chuckles]
You gotta catch me first!

[grunts]

Huh?

[laughs]
Looking for a pot of gold?

[gasps] Get him!

Wait!

Do you know the one thing

I love most about rainbows?

-What?
-What?

They're pretty?

No.

They don't last forever.

♪ traditional Irish music
plays ♪

[in unison] Aww.

[meows]

Black snail!

[screaming]

[groans]

♪♪