02x04 - Ethical Porn

[bunniefuu]

Did you want leg wax...?

- Wax strips.
- Yes.

It's different.

You know, most people stopped
ordering their groceries online

once the pandemic
kind of petered out.

Not me, sis.

Online groceries
and Zoom funerals

are the two great legacies
of the spicy cough.

- These ones?
- Yeah, they're great.

Yep. Righto.

Why are you such a good boy?

Think I might jazz up those
old pizzas for dinner.

- Are you joking?
- No.

I have told you so many times,

we're having dinner with Meggles
and her new girlfriend tonight.

f*ck, that's right.
Jesus, that was fast.

I know, and I've
stalked her on Insta.

Not good.

Can I get out of it?

Nup, you can't.

All right, not getting
any cuter than that.

Um... ooh, do you want to
walk me to the station?

Um... ooh, do you want to
walk me to the station?

I'm early. We
could get a coffee.

I'm...

I've got that lunch with
that corporate guy today

and I think I might just have
a lay in, if that's all right.

Oh. Okay.

Don't be sad, we're
having dinner together.

And we live together.

Okay, well, keep yourself
nice at lunch, please.

- I will.
- Yeah? Promise.

- I promise.
- Okay.

Stay fresh, cheese bags.

You too.

- Ooh yeah.

- Oh yeah.

- Ooh yeah. Ooh! Ooh!

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

- Hey!

What's up? What's going on?

What's up? What's going on?

- You forget something?
- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, my cap.

- I forgot my cap.
- Oh.

There it is.

There it is. So,
cool, got it now.

Cool, cool.

- Got it.
- Um...

Were you masturbating?

Hey?

Were you... were
you having a wank?

No!

No, I... no, I... sorry, no.

I was just taking my pants
off to get in the shower.

- Was just about to
jump up and do that.

- Ah, yeah.

Yeah. 'Cause porn came through
my Air Pods downstairs.

Did they? That's weird.
That's so strange.

I'd look into that 'cause
that's maybe a Bluetooth thing.

I do have some neighbours, actually,
who, sometimes we get crossed.

And they've got some
pretty weird, um...

I don't know, whatever
they get up to.

No judgement, but, um...

no judgement, but, um...

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

- So weird.
- Yep.

Yeah...

- Yep.
- Ah.

Sorry, I was. I was.

I was. Is that bad?

Nope.

Nah, I'm... I'm pretty cool
with that kind of thing.

Oh. Oh, cool.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Just, um... in front
of the dog, though.

I mean, yeah. He's
a little bit close.

But I mean, he's not...

I mean, to be clear, he
was not a part of it.

I forgot he was
there, if anything.

Now I think of it, though,
we did have sex last night.

Yeah, we did, and it was great.

- Was it?
- I thought so.

Yeah.

No, no, no, it's cool.
It's just that, yeah.

James never did this,

so I'm like, yeah,
it's a bit new for me.

Excuse me, yes, he did.

No, he told me that

he never watched
porn or masturbated.

Oh, well, ah, he lied.

He lied to you. James is a liar.

Cool. Yeah, all right.

Just so you know,
there was an on-ramp.

Like, the... the, um...

the wax strips box that
I was buying for you

had some very leggy, sexy
legs on it, and it just...

It got in there, you
know, and that's...

And so there was an on-ramp.

This didn't just
come out of nowhere.

Oh yeah, like I said, fine.

You sure you're fine?
You don't seem fine.

Hey, the box. The
legs. It's chill.

Catch ya.

Catch ya.

She's not fine.

And you are a bit close.

I don't... I feel
rejected, Meggles,

on, like, every level.

You know, they say

the first three months
of every relationship

is unpacking your last one.

So, for you, that's...

that's you working out the
ways that James f*cked you up.

Yeah.

And I guess Gordon's, like,

letting go of being by himself.

These relationship podcasts
are really good, babe.

I know, right?

- Hey, James.

Hey, girls.

- What?
- Nothing.

- What?
- Nothing.

What's going on there?

Uh, it's my girlfriend,
Rumi Cashmere.

Okay, just want you to know.

- Not her real name.
- It is.

It is.

Okay...

You have a
girlfriend? Holy sh*t.

Yeah, she broke up with
Chiara like, oh, sh*t,

three minutes ago.

- Why are you being a b*tch?
- I'm not. I'm not.

You are.

So,

can you not just be excited
that I've met someone

who I actually really like?

Okay, I'm just saying that
that hat is a beige flag.

Ash!

Okay. Okay.

I'm getting a coke.

f*ck you.

Love you.

What? What's up?

You told me that
you didn't jerk off.

Okay...

So, was that a lie?
Like, I'm just wondering.

You know, when you stop
going out with someone,

the general rule is, you
stop acting crazy with them.

The general rule is, you
stop acting crazy with them.

No, that's... that's
not the rule, actually.

Room 12.

Mr Robson's waiting
for a catheter.

Right.

Chop-chop.

I'm coming.

I said I never watched porn.

I never said I
didn't... masturbate.

So, what do you...
do you watch then?

Um, nothing.

Just use my brain.

Things I saw. People
I used to be with.

That is cool. That's
pretty cool then.

- Mm.
- Yeah?

So we do.

We go up Sunday morning to
do boogie boarding out here

and it just goes off.

- You and me?
- Absolute... yeah, no, yeah.

Another glass of the
Chablis for either of you?

- Yeah.
- No.

- Yeah.
- No.

We'll, ah... we'll get
a bottle, love. Ta.

Of course.

- There we go.
- Cheers, mate.

These bugs will change
your life, mate.

- Get stuck in.
- Sure...

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

Mate.

Thanks for making the time, man.

Oh, mate, it's... it's
my pleasure, Jared.

It's nice to finally put a face to
the incessant phone calls and emails.

Yeah.

Look, I am enthusiastic
about my job.

- Guilty of that, yeah.
- Yeah.

Which is what, exactly?

Oh.

- "Chief Growth Officer."
- Yeah.

Not what the missus
would say, mate.

- Ha.

Yeah, nah, I started in
finance, did that whole thing,

bit of time at
Cadbury-Schweppes,

ah, the integrity
unit at the NRL,

bit of time at Channel 9,

few Logies after parties, mate,

and now we're at Lion
Australia, which is fantastic.

- Oh, that's great.
- Yeah.

Hey, Jared, it's so nice
to be wined and dined

- on the company card, obviously.
- All right, yeah.

But what did...? Did you
have a proposal, or...?

Not into the
foreplay, big fella?

- Well...
- Okay, good on ya, mate.

Look, we just wanted to
get in front of you, man,

and say what a fan we are of
what you're doing and your beer.

- Ah.
- We think you're special.

- Ah.
- We think you're special.

We think you're an
outlier in the field,

and, ah, mate, we want
to do business with you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

So what we do, man...
I'll give you the speel.

Yep.

We deliver strong branding
communication campaigns

that deliver vertical
integration and portfolio growth.

- Right.
- So, say no more.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, say a bit more 'cause I
don't really know what that means.

- Wait for this. You ready?
- Yep.

We want to buy your brewery.

Bang.

Big bang, mate.

- Yeah, right.
- There it is.

There it is.

Your life just changed.

- Mm.
- What are you driving?

- I drive...
- Not anymore.

- Good on you, mate.
- Oh, okay.

What a special moment for you.

Yeah...

- Oh yeah.
- Yep.

Oh yeah!

- Oh yeah, mate.
- Yes, yes.

Let's get you a bit more
comfortable, hey, Mr Robson?

Thank you.

Got the best girls on the job.

That's right.

- Hey, regarding tonight?
- Yep?

- Hey, regarding tonight?
- Yep?

Just promise me
you'll be nice, Ash.

Yeah.

Can I get more than a "yeah"?

Yeah, I promise.

It just really matters
to me that you like her.

Mm-hmm. Are you okay
there, Mr Robson?

Marvellous.

Okay.

Just not sure...

What?

I'm just... I'm
just trying to...

Um...

What are you doing?

Oh, hello. I'm
inserting a catheter.

No, but what are
you doing there?

I'm, um, just pulling back
your husband's foreskin

to insert the catheter.

He's circumcised.

No! He's what?

My husband is circumcised.

Oh, yeah, I see that.

Go away, Mary.

You could have said something.

It's my birthday today.

Great. Happy birthday, mate.

Great. Happy birthday, mate.

- Many happy returns, Mr Robson.
- Thank you.

Hey, let's talk
numbers, all right?

Okay.

How many taps you on?

- Let's see.
- I'll tell ya. Three.

And you're in four
independent bottle shops

and you just lost
the JetRex deal.

To us.

Sounds like you've done
your research, Jared.

We just want to throw
you a lifeline, mate.

We know it's your baby,

but there's certain economic
realities, all right?

That you created, Jared.

We do not want to
squeeze you, man.

But you're gonna
have no choice soon.

You're a polar bear
on a bit of ice, bruv.

Yes, we are,

and you're f*ck' climate
change, can't you see that?

Oh, I appreciate that. Climate
change is real, man. Seriously.

- Yes, it is.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Yes, it actually is.
- Totally.

I can't tell whether
you're trying to

kiss me or f*ck me here,
Jared, to be honest.

- Why not a bit of both?
- Sure.

But can you see my problem?

Like, there's two behemoths buying
up all the craft beer in Australia,

all the money goes to Japan...

Konnichiwa.

And I can't get my
beer anywhere, mate,

because you guys have
monopolised the entire thing.

- sh*t yeah. sh*t yeah.
- Yeah.

Even the old pubs.

Especially the old pubs.
Yeah, we got them ages ago.

'Course you did.

Look, mate.

- Maybe I wasn't clear. Sorry.
- Mm.

We don't want to change a thing.

- Don't you?
- No. No.

You're the conductor of the
orchestra, we're just...

we own the opera house.

We just wanna make
you rich, man.

- I'm security.
- Mm?

You're a t*rror1st.

- And I'm letting you in...
- Ah.

Let's blow some sh*t up.

- Right. Yeah.

- You're just the
coach of the Rabbitohs.

I'm Russell Crowe in the
box having party pies.

I'm worried about
Gladiator and sh*t.

- Do you know what I mean?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you're down there
going, "Get him back."

"Run the field."

- Yeah.
- "Get Greg forward."

- Yeah.
- And I'm just up in the box

- trying to connect with my son.
- Yeah.

- You get it.
- Yeah, I get it.

- I mean, I think I...
- Now, we're cool.

- Let me... all right, hey, now?
- Yeah?

Let me take you
somewhere special.

They do a good nachos here.

Oh yeah?

They'll do chicken
or beef or whatever.

Do you want to get some?

Is that all right?

Yeah, get out. Go on.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I think James thinks about
me when he masturbates.

- Excuse me?
- Yeah.

He told me that he
doesn't use porn,

he just thinks about
people he was with.

That's pretty cool.

What?

What? You hated male
masturbation this morning.

Yeah, but if I feature in
it, like, that's pretty cool.

A word please, Ashley.

We've had a complaint

from a Mrs Mary Robson.

- Are you kidding?

- Not a laughing matter, Megan.
- Mm?

Sorry, Gene.

Mr Robson, though.

That's pretty cool.

I don't sound like that.

- That's pretty cool.
- Shut up.

- Probably head off...
- Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus?

sh*t, um, probably Taylor.

I'm Miley. She frightens
me and I love it, man.

- Do ya?
- Oh yeah.

Oh, Crystal, well done!

Oh, Crystal, well done!

Athletes, mate.
They're athletes.

How often can you get
this close to athletes?

- In their prime?
- Yep.

I mean, this is
LeBron courtside.

- Isn't it?
- Yep.

Righto, Crys, that's
great. Good stuff.

That's from both of
us. We're celebrating.

Now, Batman or Superman?

Batman, probably.

Oh, yeah, easy.

Robert Pattinson Batman.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You reckon?

Yeah...

Do you reckon you prefer to
breathe underwater or just fly?

Ashley, I need to know
exactly what happened.

Mrs Robson's very upset.

I was trying to pull
back his foreskin, okay?

There was a lot of excess
skin around the head.

He's circumcised.

Yeah, I mean, take that up
with his childhood doctor.

Gene, his p*nis is a mess.

I beg your pardon, Mrs Robson.

Oh, come on...

I'm so sorry, Mrs Robson.

Look, if you'd like to go
back and wait in the lounge,

I'll be with you
in just a moment.

Now, I'm not sure what's worse.

Your overall conduct

or the fact that you're a
sixth-year medical student

who can't tell whether a p*nis
has been circumcised or not.

Do you need to see
the slideshow again?

No, please.

Lot of paperwork here.

This is a sexual
as*ault complaint.

Gene, do you know how many
times I've been felt up

by men exactly like him?

- How many?
- Too many.

Well, maybe your
manner's a bit whiffy?

You're being too sexy.

Do you want to take
that back, Gene?

I do.

Can I go now?

Yes, you can go.

I'll sort this out.

Okay, good. Thank you.

All right, good.

All the good girls
have been on anyway.

All the good girls
have been on anyway.

Yeah, totally.

Oi, let's go to the driving range.
I've got a spare set in the car.

Oh, mate, I... I don't know.

What don't you know?

I don't know about everything,
do you know what I mean?

I don't know if this is a
good fit for us, to be honest.

- A good fit?
- Yeah, sorry, man.

It was a pretty good fit when you
ordered a $200 bottle of sticky.

- You said "help yourself", mate.
- And you did.

- c*ck.
- I'm a c*ck?

Yes, you are a c*ck.

You're dank, mate.

That place was dank.

- You're f*cked, mate.
- I'm f*cked?

- Yeah.
- No, you're literally f*cked.

You're brewery's closed in 12
months, mate. You got nothing.

- No, mate, I've got plenty.
- Yeah? Hit me.

And it's mine, all
right? So, f*ck ya.

Here we go! Yeah,
you're f*ck'...

Yeah, here we go. Here
we f*ck' go, mate.

- Yeah, yeah, come on, mate!

- Nah, nah, not here, fellas.

- Take it down the road.
- f*ck you, mate.

- If you f*ck'...

You f*ck' prick!

- Here we go! Here we go!

- This is helping.
- This is good.

Feel the cold.

Be the cold.

Brr, this is good.

Oh, sh*t.

I... This is unbelievable.

You are wasted.

- No, Ash, no, I'm sober.
- It's all good, I'm working on him.

Don't worry, all right?

Where did you go?
What did you do?

Where did you go?
What did you do?

Ah, well, I went, ah...
it was just lunch.

But then, honestly, Jared
took me to a strip club.

- Which one?
- Are you joking?

- Crazy Girls.
- Ah, yeah.

Uh, no, but it was...
I didn't like it.

Don't be mad. It was...
it was really dank.

Yeah, no, I can back that up.

Ash, he's not really
a strip club guy.

He's more a play-the-pokies guy.

- That's true.
- Oh, cool.

What a catch.

You're supposed to
clean the bin, you guys.

- Disgusting.

- Gordon, what is that?
- What?

That is a f*ck' rat!

- What?
- Oh, sh*t.

- Oh, f*ck!
- No, no, that's half a rat.

- Oh, no, no!
- Oh my God. Oh my God.

- Oh no! It's like a yoyo.

f*ck' hell! Is that...

- Holy sh*t!
- Ah!

- No, he's good.
- I can't breathe.

He's good. He's all
fine. He's fine.

Great. I'm gonna go get changed.

Sorry.

Sorry.

- Are you right?
- I am. I promise I am.

I had a coffee.
I'm good, I'm good.

- Sort it out.
- Yeah.

- Ooh, there they are.
- Okay.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Ashy, this is Rumi.

I've heard so much.

Same, girl, same. Oh my God.

- Oh.
- Oh my God.

You are such a good person.

- You're such a great hugger.
- I'll take one of those.

- This is Gordon, my boyfriend.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Ooh!
- Ah, oh.

- Covid elbow?
- Oh.

- I don't know.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- No, it's fine.

Yeah, he's never
met a woman before.

- Sit down, sit down.
- Mm.

- I haven't been here before.
- Do you want to...?

But I've heard it's, yep.

Mm, it smells good.

Do you know, I actually think
this was my grandmother's house?

No way!

Yeah, this was the old post office
and she used to live upstairs.

- Oh.
- Wow.

My grandmother was the first
female postmaster-general.

Uh-huh?

- Postmistress, I suppose.
- Yeah.

Communication, you know?

Legacy.

- Oh my God, that's beautiful.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, right.
- Amazing.

Hello, folks. Here you go.

Can I... can I just ask,

did this used to be
the old post office?

Um, I can ask?

No, it's okay. I know it is.

- You know when you
can feel something?

- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Love that. Welcome to Shwà

Have you dined with us before?

I have. I know that

your menu goes
from small to big,

the numbers are prices,

and, ah, your
pronouns are he/him.

So sorry.

God, we would never assume
anyone's pronouns. We...

No, no, no, I'm not. No, he
told me that like a month ago.

Oh, it's really sweet of you,

but they're actually
he/they now.

Yes!

- Go off, King.
- Thank you.

- I'll give you guys a minute.

- Could we...?
- Sure.

Thank you.

Oh my God!

Negroni spagliato with
prosecco with it? Yes!

Need, need, need.

Shall I get a round for
the table? Let's do this.

Have you got my hat?

- Sorry, what?
- My hat?

No, no, I gave it to the waiter.

Who, the... that guy?

- Yes.
- Oh.

- Sorry...

No, no, no,
absolutely fine. Um...

It's just, it's 'cause it's
vintage, I'm just gonna...

It's just, it's 'cause it's
vintage, I'm just gonna...

Give me one second.

Sorry, hi!

- Gordon.
- Sorry. I'm sorry, Meggles.

No, it's fine. She
just, she likes her hat.

Yeah, it's great.

Isn't she great?

- Yes.

- She is...
- She's great. She's fun, and... - Yeah.

Everybody, relax. Whoo!

- There we go. My God.
- Yeah, she's back.

I actually also wonder,

so what I think we should start
with, tell me what you think?

Do you mind if I order?
Can I be that person?

- Please do.
- Fantastic.

- Be that person.
- Do they have a hat rack?

- I'm joking.

It's a joke.

You know, I saw my
mother, I saw my sisters,

I don't even have any sisters,

but I cannot recommend
Ayahuasca enough, you know?

Mm, they have that in the
Blue Mountains, I think.

Oh, no, not the same.

- Not the same.
- No?

No, you have to do it in South
America, otherwise, what?

- Sure.

Guys, do you know, I've got a
mate who does ketamine therapy?

And so, for 45 minutes, he goes in
and gets injected with ketamine,

and then, um, he's
out, completely out,

and he wakes up and he,
he has a cry, and then...

and he wakes up and he,
he has a cry, and then...

But you've got texts to
do, so not a problem.

You had enough to eat, baby?

- Yeah, I'm okay, baby.
- Mmm. Come here.

Tell you what, the
Rogan Josh is amazing.

- Mm!
- Really...

- Best thing.
- Yeah.

It's good, right?

It's good. I mean, street food
in India is better, but...

- Have you been?
- Oh, many times.

Many, many times.

- Really?
- Yeah. God yeah.

India's really interesting,
right? As a place.

Because, of course, my
last name is Cashmere,

and so that is actually originating
in the Kashmir district.

I actually consider
myself Kashmiri.

Yeah, but you're not Indian.

Not in my roots, but...

Yeah. But, I mean,
are... are you?

'Cause I'm... I'm
Sri Lankan actually.

- Yeah.
- Mm.

I know that, baby. I know that.

I'm just saying, you know, street
food, better in the Kashmiri district.

Mm.

I can't wait to travel with you.

I can't wait to travel with you.

- I'm really looking
forward to it.

I love you.

So proud of you.

I've just stopped voting now

'cause I think that's the best
use of my voice right now.

And I said to her, "That's clearly
because you didn't breastfeed him,

and now you can't trust him."

And I thought, this is it,
and I wet my pants in protest.

I don't believe in
pets as a concept.

That is essentially
sl*very to me.

And then after all that,

had to stop playing trombone.

And my doctor, Susan, said

that I actually
have two uteruses.

- Uterine didelphys. Studied that.
- Yeah, we studied it.

And when Susan diagnosed me,
she actually broke down crying

because her mother
had dual uteri, right,

and Susan's mum had
lost her twin at birth,

and get this,

Susan's mum had named
the deceased baby Rumi.

- Whoa.

I know! I know!

When she said that, we cried,

When she said that, we cried,

we hugged, and the clock on
the wall actually stopped.

Oh, shut up!

- Excuse me?
- Shut the f*ck up.

- I beg your pardon?!
- Sorry, I'm so sorry.

But f*cking come
on, Meggles, please.

Wow.

Wow, you little boy.

- I'm a little boy?
- Yeah, you're a little boy. - Am I?

What, 'cause I'm not trying to f*ck
you, I've got to keep my mouth shut?

- What?
- Whoa, okay, Rumi.

- I think that's not it, actually.
- Really?

- No.
- Really?

If I can, I think what it is, is
that you haven't asked he or I

a single question all night.

Oh, Ashley, come on.

- No, it's true.
- Ah, Ash...

You can pipe in at any point.

- That's exactly how
conversation works.

- Yeah.

- In what space?
- Yeah.

You go on and on and on with these
insanely uncheckable stories.

They're checkable!
They're all checkable.

No, actually, Rumi, I think the
genius of you is that they're not.

- Huh.
- Huh.

- Wow.
- Wow.

Jordan, I am sure you've
heard this a million times,

but you have a garden variety
Madonna wh*re complex.

- OK, I don't think
we need to say that.

- Nope, first time.

Really? Wow, if you can't see
it, it's very clear to me.

- Hey, don't...
- In this situation, what am I?

Madonna or wh*re?

- Well, you're in...
- Please, tell me.

A heteronormative
domestic partnership,

so I'm gonna say
you're the Madonna,

so I'm gonna say
you're the Madonna,

and that's the reason that
he still looks at porn.

Oh, f*ck' what?

- Jesus, Meggles.
- Oh, sorry.

Do you not have anything else
to talk about, the two of you?

- Oh! Don't you?!
- Oh, us?!

I mean, that is all you
talked about all day

and we just, we just stopped talking
about how many women he slept with.

- Oh my God.
- And now it's how he's watching porn.

Well, this isn't
very humiliating.

Well, can you just stop
looking for issues?

- Sorry.
- Oh, wow.

I... I can't be the only
person here who watches porn.

- You're not.
- I watch ethical porn.

Okay, how do you know I don't?

Well, who directed
this morning's piece?

Ah...

Jessie...

c*ck... man.

Yeah, you got me, Rumi.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't stay
for the f*ck' finishing credits.

I f*ck' watch low-grade
porn, was that not clear?

- Wow. Wow.
- Wow yourself.

- Okay, I'm just gonna get the bill.
- You f*ck...

Cheers, and also,

it's Gordon, not Jordan.

Who? What, this?

- Yes.
- Don't worry about it.

Don't really know why I keep
coming back to this restaurant.

So.

- Can I have my hat?
- Oh. Yeah.

Take off my hat.

- Take off my hat.
- Guys.

There you go.

There it is.

Take it.

- Gordon.
- Hey.

There, take it.

For f*ck's sake.

Thanks, Gordon. Helpful.

Very mature, Gordon.

- I'm sorry, Meggles.
- Yep.

Well, that was the worst.

Yep. Yep.

- That was...
- She sucks.

She's not good. I'm glad I
sobered up for her though.

Oh my gosh.

Can I just say that I'm very
sorry that that happened

Can I just say that I'm very
sorry that that happened

with the porn and
telling Meggles...

You know what?

Yes, humiliating.

But also, I get it.

I get it. You gotta
talk to someone.

And I'm sorry.

Can we talk about
it a little bit?

Sure.

I am sorry that it
made you feel weird.

Mm-hmm.

But also, you need to know that
it's not that big a deal to me.

Yeah, it is to me, though,
because I... I just felt

rejected.

It may be silly, but

I just thought we were in,
like, a honeymoon phase, and...

Yeah.

- We are having a lot of sex.
- Yeah.

So I'm just like, "Why
do you need to do that?"

Oh, I didn't need to do it,
it was just something...

It was stupid. It was... I
just did it in the moment.

You know, there was an on-ramp.

- Yeah, the legs.

- You know, and I just
did it for myself.

Yes!

And it's just,
it's not about you.

It is though.

Because... You could have...

We could have hung out instead.

That was the offer,
and you... you...

We could have.

I know, but, Ash...
And you're the best...

I know, but, Ash...
And you're the best...

But just walking all the
way to the train station

and back again with Colin...

He's just so f*ck' slow.

He is slow, bless him.

- I get it.
- Honestly, Ash,

this is a thing that I've
done since I was, what?

Thirteen?

It's a deeply-formed habit.

- Maybe a bad one, I don't know.
- Okay, okay.

I mean, you must at least
occasionally, you know...

- Don't say "flick the bean".
- Flick the bean.

I...

just wouldn't choose
it over time with you.

That's all.

- Right?
- That's fair enough.

That's fair enough.

I... I'm gonna...

I'll be more mindful.

- Oh, will you?
- Yeah.

Like a yogi?

- Yes, like a tantric yogi.

Like Sting.

Okay, I reckon Sting
would go all right.

Oh, mate, Sting goes off.

Without a doubt.

- While we're on the subject...

- Yeah?

I accidentally jerked off an
elderly man at work today.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Well, you know, I mean, that...

Well, you know, I mean, that...

- That's ethical porn.
- It is.

I mean, there are no accidents,

so let's just say I
jerked off an elderly man.

- Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- At work.

It's very hard to
accidentally jerk someone off.

How'd it happen? Is this
real? This actually happened?

It was... it was a
foreskin misunderstanding.

- Oh, is that what happened?
- All right?

Yeah, yeah. I
mean, that happens.

♪ I was doing fine,
then I met you ♪

♪ I don't need a sign ♪

♪ What will be will be ♪