02x05 - Waterfall

[bunniefuu]

Unpopular opinion.

- Go.
- Concerned dads of sick kids are hot.

- Wow.
- Can I say that?

Uh, look, you can,
but only to me.

And it's... it's like
a sliding scale, like,

sicker the kid, hotter the dad.

I think we need to get you
out of paediatrics, mate.

- Do we?
- Yeah.

The mums are cute too, no doubt,
but they're a bit more blamey.

Yeah, right. Well, at least I
got to see you do a wee for this.

Oh my God, I'm exhausted.
Back-to-back doubles.

Oh, can you show me your meat?

Oh, Ashley,

one cannot simply lift one's
lid and show one's meat.

But don't worry,
she's been marinated.

She's been slow-smoked
for seven hours.

She's been blackened
coffee Texas crunched.

She's going to be
f*cking amazing.

Great. I'm starving.
I cannot wait.

Um, and by the way, I
would come pick you up,

- but I can't leave the brisket.
- Oh no, you're in love.

I get it. Um, I'll
be there in like 20.

I get it. Um, I'll
be there in like 20.

Oh, that is perfect.
Everything's coming up Crapp.

It really is. Okay.

- See you soon.
- Bye.

Mm!

Ah!

Oh, wow.

- What the fu...

Hello, this is Ashley.

- Leave me a message
I'll probab...

Oh, Gene, Gene.

- Hey, Flash. Howdy doody. - Hey.
- I didn't know we were carpooling.

- What?
- Blake's house.

- Poker night.
- Oh, no, man. That's next week.

No, no, you're
bringing the chips.

Yeah, I am. Next
week. Next Friday.

Oh, you're kidding me.

Sorry, man. I've... I've actually
got plans with Ash tonight.

- Does she know that?
- Yes. Why?

Well, I told her about the
poker night as she was leaving.

As in, it's tonight?

She did look a bit miffed,
actually, now that I think about it.

She did look a bit miffed,
actually, now that I think about it.

What did she say?

She didn't say anything. You know,
Ash, she just made that face.

f*cking hell. Well, she's
turned her phone off, Gene.

Well, she's punishing you.
See, come on. Grab a beer.

- Meggles! Meggles! Have you seen Ash?
- Oh.

Hey, Gordon. Fine,
thanks. How are you?

Uh, sorry. Hey, and sorry
about dinner the other night.

That was f*cked up. We're
good after that, yeah?

Oh, after that, sincere
apology. Yeah, we're good.

- We're good.
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm just a
bit worried about Ash.

She finished, like, over an hour
ago, and I don't know where she is.

- Do you have any ideas?
- No. Maybe she went for a run.

A run? At night?

Is she not allowed
to run after dark?

Yeah, if she wants. She...
What... Is she a runner? I mean...

- Yes.
- Is she?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Does the St
Claire's fun-run every year.

Big bottom, but great stamina.

Okay, I'm busy, so excuse me.

Uh, hang on. Meggles, Meggles, sorry.
Do you have any other thoughts?

I have no idea where she is.

Um, oh, she... she
could be at James's.

Why would she be at James's?

Because he's having a party
tonight, and she was invited.

I wasn't invited.

I spent seven hours today smoking
a brisket so we could have dinner,

so why would she
suddenly decide to go

to a party at her
ex-boyfriend's place?

To a party at her
ex-boyfriend's place?

Yeah, that... that is
a really tough choice.

But if she wanted to do that, why
wouldn't she just tell me that?

Maybe because
you're controlling.

I'm not controlling.

Yeah, I gotta... I gotta go, so.

Am I?

Womenfolk.

Come on, Edna.

- Edna?
- Dame Edna.

Dame Edna Everage. Beveridge.

Come on, grab a beverage.

Oh, no. What? No, dude.

- Gordon!
- Lynelle.

Oh, thank goodness I'm
not in my lace teddy.

- Can you imagine?
- No.

Um, I'm actually just looking
for Ash. She's not here, is she?

Ashley? No.

Oh, are you two okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah, no,
no, no, we're fine.

We're just... Probably just
crossed wires, whatever.

Um, she's probably having
a run or something.

Oh, is she exercising again?

- Oh, I mean...
- Oh, how wonderful.

Why wouldn't she
tell me? Oh, Ashley.

Yeah. Anyway. You... you haven't
heard from her tonight, have you?

No, we've had to turn
all our devices off

No, we've had to turn
all our devices off

because Lee's had a whoopsie.

I can check my phone.

Come in. Come in. Lee!

Um, we don't need Lee.

No messages from Ash, I'm sorry.

Um, do you...

You have "find my phone"
for Ash, though, don't you?

I had to remove her to
put Lee's devices on.

It's a ten-device limit.

Lee has ten devices?

No! God, no. Can you imagine?

No, three of those are
mine. Lee has seven.

- You rang?
- Hi, Lee.

- Oh, f*cking hell.
Are you all right?

- Permission to leave the doghouse?
- Silly.

Ashley's gone walkabout.

- Well, I suppose she was due.
- Due for what?

Well, she gets all worked up about
a relationship or work or whatever.

- The issue du jour.
- Hmm, and she has to blow off steam.

But she always comes back and
she's our gorgeous Ashley.

- Always been that way.
- Really?

- Have you tried...
- Beware ye all

who attempt to solve the riddle

- of the mad woman.

- Have you tried...
- There dragons be.

Have you tried James?

I saw on the gram that
he's having a party.

- I...
- I saw that, too.

- He's her ex-boyfriend.
- Mm-hmm.

"Trust is more important
than monogamy",

- Savage Garden.
- No, it isn't.

Isn't it? Who is it?

- It's not true, Lee.
- Okay, where does James live, then?

Oh, I'll take you.

I've got his favourite
casserole in the freezer.

Terrific. Well, I'll keep
the home fires burning.

No, you're coming, Lee.

Why?

You know why.

You can't make me.

Then I will go upstairs, unplug
the modem, and take it with me.

All right, I'll come.

I'll wait in the car.

You haven't asked
me about my T-shirt.

Haven't I? I...

Sorry, I'm probably a bit distracted
by your missing daughter, Lynelle.

She's not missing.

Oh, look how worried he is, Lee.

- Yeah.
- Women do go missing all the time.

So do men.

Right, that's not quite the
same thing, though, is it?

It is so.

Sorry, I... yeah, sorry. Um...

Yes, so, what's happening
with your T-shirt, Lynelle?

Oh, it's merch for our
new charity, WAWAM,

Women Against Women Against Men.

Ah, right. Is that, like, a
feminist group or something, is it?

No. No, no, it's Women
Against Women Against Men.

- Women Against Women Against Men.
- Against Men. Yes.

Right, so it's sort of
the opposite of feminism.

I mean, so many men
are under siege today.

- Are they?
- Yes.

They've been dethroned by women.

I mean, look at Lee.

Subjected to the spells
of some young hussy.

And yes, you know, he
maybe got a bit confused,

but suddenly he's lost his job,
his reputation, everything.

No, no, not reputation.
That's still intact.

I mean, what happens
to the girl? Nothing.

Sorry, my understanding
was that Lee was fired

because he was having an
online affair with a student.

No.

- Angel?
- Oh my God, it's Lynelle!

- Oh my God!
- How are you?

- I haven't seen you in ages!
- I know!

- Is James here?
- Yeah, come on in, babe.

Lee. Wait in the car.

Are you sure I can't
get you a beer, man?

Hey, hey, man. Uh, no,
I'm good, man. I'm, um...

Like...

- I'm good, thank you.

Uh, so you have seen Ash
or you haven't seen her?

I haven't, but I've had my
head on most of the night.

Right, so, I mean did she...?

Okay.

Is she not allowed
to be here or...?

Yeah, man, she's allowed to be
here, it's just we had dinner plans.

Oh, I think a party
trumps a dinner, man.

Right, not in this case, though,
man, because, um, I spent seven hours

Right, not in this case, though,
man, because, um, I spent seven hours

slow-smoking a three-and-a-half
kilo brisket today.

- Well, there's your clue.
- What clue's that?

She's vegetarian.

- No, she's not, actually.
- She is.

She was for the two
years I was with her.

Well, I'm pretty sure
she eats meat now.

- How well do you know her?
- Quite well.

Quite well, 'cause
I'm her boyfriend.

Oh, well, you've
got it sorted, then.

Why don't you girls hang
out with Ashley anymore?

- We love Ash, but
Gordon hates us.

- Why is he even here?
- He's looking for her.

He's all worried.

- Oh.
- He's sweet, really.

Excuse me, girls.

- Ash?

Hey, man, do you know who
that is in the panda suit?

Uh, I think they're
just a panda right now.

Yeah, very good, but do you know...
do you know who it is? Is it Ash?

Yeah, very good, but do you know...
do you know who it is? Is it Ash?

I mean, it could
be. I don't know.

Do you... Is it a boy or girl?

Honestly, it's... it's a panda.

Dude, if you're gonna
be a d*ck about it,

I'm just gonna have to
go and take the head off.

- Don't, Gordon.
- Just... Is it Ash?

- Just yes or no, man.
- It's a panda.

- Right, f*cking hell.

Hey, is it Ash?

Is it?

You could have just told me if
you wanted to be here, okay?

And this is now so
f*cking weird for me.

Okay, you're not f*cking Ash.

You know, you're just some
f*ck in a panda suit.

Just take... f*ck' take the
head off. Take the head off.

Take it off. Take it off.
Take it the f*ck off.

- Sorry. I'm sorry.
- Are you okay?

f*ck' Ryan.

- What the f*ck's the matter with you?
- f*ck' Ryan.

You f*cking knew that I thought
you were Ash. You knew that.

Why don't you just f*ck
off, you old pervert?

Nobody wants you here.

Nobody wants you here.

You can probably head off, hey?

Dude, yeah. As if I
f*cking want to be here.

This is, I've done
this sh*t, all right?

I've already done all
these parties, all right?

And ours was so much better.

f*cking animal porn? Spare me.

We watched real porn.

Cool, bro.

Yeah, it was.

- Is that your jacket?
- Yes.

- Height?
- Um, five foot.

- Uh...
- We use metrics, sir.

- Oh, really? Um...

Okay, she's a hundred and...

- Who uses metric?
- We do.

Okay, a hundred and...

She's like there?

- We'll say 165.
- Okay.

- Hair?
- Yes, she has.

- Hair?
- Yes, she has.

Uh, blonde.

Oh no, but not,
um, super blonde.

She's like... she's like,
sometimes she pulls strawberry.

- We'll put blonde.
- Uh-huh.

Eye colour?

- Blue. Green.
- Well, which?

Green.

Greeny... is there a greenyblue?

- How well do you know this woman?
- How well?

You don't know?

Yeah. I'm... Yeah,
I'm her boyfriend.

I just... Although, I only met
her a couple of months ago, so...

- Right.
- No, no, no, no. Don't.

It's not, I'm not like
a suspect or anything.

Suspect? Are you
reporting a crime?

No, no. I just
know that police...

And, you know, when you see
true crime podcasts, it's like,

"Oh, look at the boyfriend.
He's the one who did it".

- Did what?
- Nothing. Nothing's happened.

I hope.

Is there something you
want to tell me, sir?

No, absolutely not.

My girlfriend was due
home several hours ago

because I was cooking her
dinner on my Big Green Egg.

- Have you got a Big Green Egg?
- Yeah.

- Really? No way.
- Yes.

- I...
- I'm an... I'm an EGGhead myself.

- Oh, wow.
- What size did you go with?

- Large.
- Yeah, see, I was going to get that,

- Large.
- Yeah, see, I was going to get that,

but then the guy told me that the XL
is also called the No Regrets model.

- Oh, okay.
- He wasn't wrong.

- What were you cooking?
- Um, brisket.

Dry rub?

No, no. It was... it was
blackened Texas coffee crunch.

- Lovely. That is lovely.
- Oh, yeah.

You know, it was... you know,
it was marinated in slow smoke.

- It's three-and-a-half kilo brisket.
- Let me ask you this.

Do you spritz?

- I have done.
- With what? Apple cider vinegar?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, see, I'm...
I'm not a spritz guy.

- I never got into it.
- Oh, well, there you go.

- Horses for courses.
- Hmm.

- And do we have the details on her?
- Yes, absolutely.

See, I'll make a note of that.

- Okay.
- That, that is a detail.

She was expecting a three,
was it three-and-a-half kilo?

- That's right. But
her details were...

- Absolutely.

I've got your number, so
as soon as I hear anything,

- you'll be the first
to know about it.

- She's in the system.

- That was a Texas crunch?
- Yes.

- Okay, thanks.
- Good luck with the brisket.

- f*ck ya!

No. f*ck it.

- Your hickory chips are fine.

But what you want to do is
get your apple smoke chips.

But what you want to do is
get your apple smoke chips.

- You wet them.
- Mm-hmm.

And then you're gonna
want to wrap them...

in Alfoil.

And the thing is,

they'll actually just smoke and
smoke and you can reuse them.

Right.

But if you are
gonna reuse them...

Sorry, is this going to
take much longer or...?

- Oh, we're in a hurry, are we?
- No, I'm sorry.

It's just really late and I'm
just... Yeah, just about...

- No. No problem.

Do you want to pop the
boot for me, please, sir?

Oh.

- Uh, do we... Really?
- Pop it.

Yeah.

- Ash, you here?

- Oh, Collie.

- Hello, boy.

- Hello, boy. Oh.

I don't know, mate. I
don't know where she is.

Have you seen her?
Have you seen her, boy?

Um, and by the way, I
would come pick you up

but I can't leave the brisket.

Oh, no. You're in
love. I get it.

Um, I'll be there in like 20.

That's perfect. Everything's
coming up Crapp.

It really is. Okay.

- See you soon.
- Bye.

Oh, see you tomorrow, Gene.

Big night tonight with Gordon.

Uh, yeah, I guess so.

I believe he's
providing the chips.

Uh, I'm not sure.

Well, he told me he
was. He's not a liar.

Oh, well, if that's what he
told you, then cool, cool.

Chippies!

Yep.

Good night.

- This train will stop

at Redfern, Sydenham, Tempe,

Wolli Creek, Arncliffe, Rockdale,
Kogarah, and all stations...

Wolli Creek, Arncliffe, Rockdale,
Kogarah, and all stations...

Oh no.

Oh, f*ck.

Oh no.

This is the last
stop. Waterfall.

All passengers, please
depart the train.

- Oh no.
- This is Waterfall.

Oh, hello.

Oh my...

Thank you, Telstra.

Thank you, God.

Okay.

All right. 04163.

Ah, come on. 04163...



My mother's number is 04163.

- What do you want?

Lee?

This is my partner's number.
I told you not to call.

Um.

You've reached
Lynelle Steinhart.

- No!
- please leave a message.

Hey.

- Hey.

Do you girls know where the
nearest police station is?

Just because all my stuff
was stolen on the train.

- There isn't one.
- Oh, what?

Yeah, this place
is so sh*t, hey?

I think there's one
in, like, Helensburgh.

I don't have a car.

- Oh, yeah.
- Damn.

- This place is so sh*t. Sorry.
- Yeah.

Hey, where are you girls going?

Just in the city.

Come on, Jo.

Do you... do you mind
if I ride with you?

I won't talk, I promise.
I mean, I've just...

I won't talk, I promise.
I mean, I've just...

- I've got nothing.
- Um, s... sorry, I don't think that

- that's right. I mean...
- Okay, how about... how about, um...

one of you orders me an
Uber with the other phone

and then I'll get all of your
details and I will so pay you back

as soon as I get home.

- Um...
- I'm asking for help.

- Well, um...
- No?

Our mum said that we're
not supposed to help...

anybody.

- Sorry.
- What?

That's what your mum said?

Women should help each
other. Where are you going?

Oi, wait, wait!

Okay, if this is what your
generation's like, we're all f*cked.

Oh, laugh at me.

We are f*cked!

- Hello.

- Is your, uh,
kitchen still open?

Is the kitchen still open?

Is the kitchen still open?

Will she eat much?

She's small, but
she looks hungry.

Oh, f*ck, all right,
but make it quick.

Yes, please follow me.

Oh, thank you, you're so nice.

- Are you finished?

- Do you want to pay the bill?
- Ah...

well... actually...

I do, but, um, dessert.

The kitchen is closed.

Oh, well, you didn't say.

That changes things, doesn't it?

Doesn't it?

- Miss?
- Yeah.

- That works.

Miss?

Miss?

Sorry.

f*ck you, you f*cking
entitled white b*tch!

I'll pay you back!

f*ck you!

You okay, love?

- Hey?
- Are you okay?

Oh, um...

Not really.

All my stuff was
stolen, and, um...

I'm a bit... I'm a bit
lost, if I'm honest.

Oh, we'll... we'll get
in. I'll give you a lift.

- Are you sure?
- Of course.

- Thank you so much.
- Oh.

We have just become so reliant on
those little rectangles, haven't we?

Totally. I've... I've
been completely lost.

It's a real wake-up call.

Gosh, walking by
yourself at night.

You know, I'm just
glad that I got to you

before any of the men did
around here, because...

before any of the men did
around here, because...

they can be really bad.

Yeah, well, yeah.

You remind me of my daughter.

Well, I'm... I'm
just really glad

that you could give me a
lift, Wendy, so thank you.

Oh, not at all.

It gets pretty lonely out here
at night, don't you think?

Oh, don't worry about her.

She's in the terrible twos.

She needs me to drive
around and around.

So, where are we going?

Oh, I've just got to make
a quick stop at home.

I thought we were going
into the city, Wendy.

No, no, no, no, we are, but
I've just got to do something

very quickly at home.

Oh, you know what? This'll
do, actually. I'm good here.

- You can just...
- Do you know what? Oh, look,

- You can just...
- Do you know what? Oh, look,

home sweet home.

- Okay.

Okay. This is it.

- Take a seat.
- Ah.

- I'm actually a bit
allergic to cats.

Oh, well, I'll just be
a sec, but sit down.

It's... it's better.

No.

No.

All done.

Sorry?

Yeah, I'll call you a cab.

Oh.

- Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks so much.

Miss, uh, we're here.
Wake up, please.

- Miss, we're here.
- Huh?

Oh, thank God.

- Oh my God.
- Is that contagious?

What?

Your face. It's a little bit.

Huh?

Oh.

- For f*ck's sake. No, it's cats.
- Oh.

Cash or card?

Um...

so, listen, sir, I was actually
robbed earlier tonight,

so, listen, sir, I was actually
robbed earlier tonight,

but I live here, um, so I can
get some money from my boyfriend.

- What?
- Yeah, I promise you.

Look, you know what? Um...

- I'll leave my shoes.
- No, I don't want your shoes.

These are good. These are
new. They're like 90 dollars.

No, no, no, no. You have to
pay. You have to pay me now.

- I will. I live here.
You have my shoes.

No, no, senr̃ita.

No, senr̃ita.

- Gordon!

- One second.

Gordy!

Oh, rock key, rock key.

What the f*ck?

- Gordon! Oh, Collie.

- Oh, boy!

- Hello, boy. f*ck.

Gordon!

Oh.

Jesus Christ...

- Hey, hey, lady, lady!

f*ck you!

Gordon!

f*ck'... ow!

Oh, yes. Yes.

- Hello. Hello, boy.

Go on.

- All right, here we go, Collie.

Okay.

Oh, f*ck it.

Oh, no.

Not now, not now, not now.

Not now, not now, not now.

- Ah!

I live here.

- I live here.

- G'day.
- I live here.

Should you be in a hospital?

No, no. I'm a doctor.
I'm just menstruating.

- Is that right?
- Yeah.

So, my name's Ashley Molden,

and I was robbed on
the train to Waterfall.

Waterfall?

It's a long way away.

- Yeah.
- How'd you get here?

Took a cab.

- How'd you pay for the cab?

- Copy that.

She matches the description.
- No.

So, we got a dine and
dash, taxi fare evasion...

- Oh.
- Attempted break-and-enter,

and indecent exposure.

What? To who? I mean, I
was just making a pad.

You guys are women.

We're police.

Would you like to get in the car by
yourself, or do you need assistance?

Would you like to get in the car by
yourself, or do you need assistance?

- Can someone please talk to me?

Oh no.

- Got a present for you.
- Righto.

Excuse me, sir.

I was robbed tonight, and
I'm just trying to get home.

- You've been charged with...
- Yeah, yeah, yes,

I understand all that. But...

- Have you lost your phone recently?
- No.

It's f*cked up.
And nobody cared.

I mean, these two teenagers,
they didn't even...

They wouldn't even help me.

They wouldn't even help me.

Also, I was abducted by,
like, a weird sex couple.

I didn't even tell you that.

And what did they do to you?

Well... nothing.

Uh, they let me go. I
don't think that they...

were feeling it, or...

So, if you'd had your phone,
you would've paid for your meal,

- your taxi, and everything else?
- Yes, yes.

And what about the
attempted break-and-enter?

Your phone would've
stopped that too?

Yeah, because I live
there, with my boyfriend.

- And he can verify that?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, so, his name's Gordon Crapp.
- Gordon Crapp?

Yeah.

That's a shocking name.

You know what, forget it.
I just want to go to sleep.

So incarcerate me.

- You already are incarcerated.
- Good.

Chuck her in there.

Nothing sadder than
a cop behind a desk.

Not big enough for the
big boy sh*t, were ya?

Didn't cut it on
the streets, did ya?

You rat.

You rat.

- What happened to her face?

Ms Molden.

Ms Molden.

Hey?

Your mates here.

- Gordy.
- Oh.

- What happened?
- Oh!

- What happened?

Oh, I got you.

- Oh, I got you.

f*ck.

Dude.

- Where've you been?
- Oh my God!

- Where've you been?
- Oh my God!

Oh.

♪ You can get lost in the
music For hours, honey ♪

♪ You can get lost in a room. ♪

♪ We can play music
For hours and hours ♪

♪ But the sun'll Still
be coming up soon ♪

♪ The world's just spinning ♪

♪ A little too fast ♪

♪ If things don't
slow down soon ♪

♪ We might Not last ♪

♪ So just for A moment ♪

♪ Let's be still ♪