01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

GOLDEN AXE #104
"Fly Like an Eagle"
Closed Captioned

NARRATOR:
The map of Yuria.

Look at that.

There's a sea serpent,
and, uh, oh!

A monster in the corner.
He's pretty scary.

Am I supposed to be talking
about something specific?

Oh, right!
In pursuit of Death Adder,

Gilius Thunderhead has
parted ways with Ax and Tyris.

Now he has a new partner,

the alarmingly inexperienced
Hampton Squib,

and I'm being told they're about
to be in a lot of trouble.

- [groaning]
- NARRATOR: Oh, gods,

they've been captured!

I thought they just ran out
of trail mix or something.

It isn't easy
to capture Gilius Thunderhead.

Whoever did it must be a genius.

- [grunts, laughs]
- [laughs]

- Your turn! [grunts]
- [laughs] Now you!

- [grunts]
- [laughs] I did a good one.

- Now you go.
- [grunts]

[grunting]

Gilius, who are these guys?
And what are they doing?

The Bad Brothers, Death Adder's
most loyal henchmen.

And they're celebrating
catching us.

Should we slap each other
to celebrate our next victory?

I don't think I'll like it,
but I'll try anything once.

Looks like
we caught ourselves a Gilius.

- [laughs]
- Where are your parents?

You think Ax and Tyris
are his parents?

They're his ex-partners.

He upgraded to me:
the mighty Hampton Squib.

More like Hampton Squish.

- Aah, big hammer!
- Bruiser, no!

Death Adder wants the kid alive.

Wait. Really?

Well, that's kind of
a bright spot

in an otherwise tough day.

But he's so smashable.

Why do we always have
to do what Death Adder wants?

Because he's our boss?

And when we take over Yuria,
he said we'd get riches.

Plural, which is something
I really want!

Who cares about riches?
I miss the old days

where we could smash stuff
whenever we wanted.

And by stuff, I mean people.

Bruiser, there's more to life
than being a bad guy

who smashes people with hammers.

No, there's not!

We could be bad guys
who smash with swords,

or bad guys who write books!

You know, I have this one idea
about a talking dog

and his best friend,
a human who doesn't talk.

At the start,
they don't like each other.

But in the end,

the guy eats the dog.

That sounds dumb,

- and books are dumb.
- Nuh-uh!

You said they don't like
each other at the start, and

he doesn't like him at the end,
either, because he eats him.

That's not a twist,
that's the same.

ROOSTER:
How dare you!

This is not a good idea
for a book.

I said they were Death Adder's
most loyal henchmen,

not his smartest.
Time to go.

- Come on, push. [grunting]
- [grunting]

You're too damn long!

Get to Chicken Leg! Quickly!

Hey! Get back here!

[grunting]

Emerald Blade... to me!

Why did you think
that would work?

Something has to!

- [growling]
- GILIUS: Time to go.

H'yah!

Aah, they're getting away!

Maybe from us,
but not from my hammer.

Hammer!

Aw!

Nice throw, brother.
You gonna put that in your book?

[Hampton whimpers]

I know I should be focused
on us getting out of here,

but I can't stop thinking
about that book idea.

- It was so bad.
- You've never read his writing.

His last book moved me to tears.

- [yelling]
- [yelling] Aah!

- [grunts]
- [gasps] Uh, Gilius,

is that a cliff?

GILIUS:
Yup.

- Can Chicken Leg fly?
- No.

- [Hampton whimpers]
- GILIUS: But this guy can.

[eagle screeches]

HAMPTON:
Is that Eagle Village?

GILIUS: What gave it away?
The village or the eagle?

Gilius, we're coming in hot.
We're coming in hot!

Oh, gods, slow down,
slow down, slow down!

- [grunts]
- Excuse me, sir?

Rideable beasts are no longer
allowed on top of the eagle.

- They have to ride below.
- Since when?

Since they started
biting little kids

and sh1tting
in the drinking water.

Just go with the lady,
and I'll see you when we land.

I hate to see him so upset.

You got to focus
on the positive, Gilius.

We outsmarted the Bad Brothers!

Which, in hindsight,
wasn't that hard, but still!

- We make a pretty good team.
- We're getting there.

We're more than
getting there, Gilius.

Death Adder wants me alive!

You're saying that
like it's good news.

It is. If Death Adder wants
the Emerald Blade,

that means you were right

about it being the key
to defeating him.

You're right. I am right!

That's right. We just have to
figure out how to make it work.

Ah, sh*t.
I forgot about that.

- Ah!
- What's that?

I've been making a list
of things to try on the blade.

Like here I wrote down,
"Feed it your own blood."

Might try that last.
But fear not, I have a feeling

that you and I will solve this
with the power of teamwork.

And as soon as we do,
you and I are going to set out,

march straight
to Ax and Tyris...

- You mean Death Adder's castle.
- Nope. Straight to Ax and Tyris

to show them how wrong they were

and how happy I am
with my new partner.

AX:
Gilius?

It's Ax and Tyris,
from saving Yuria.

I've never met this boy.

[wind whistling]

[Chicken Leg chuffing]

[creatures chittering
and bellowing]

- [vocalizing, soft roaring]
- Excuse me.

I think there's been a mistake.

I was put down here
with the beasts,

but I'm clearly mostly man.

New rules: Tails and fur,
you go down hur.

Human face, uh, uh,
something, something...

Ah, you know, you don't
have one. It doesn't matter.

- [groans]
- This isn't fair!

Me and the panther
should be up top.

Don't blame me,
blame your father

for copulating with a horse.

It was a dare.

I am the result of a dare.

TYRIS:
This is the most realistic doll

I've ever seen in my life.
What is this stuffed with?

Is this hollow-boned boy
your new partner?

I assure you
my bones are not hollow.

I had the best doctors.

What is a doctor?

This is... [sighs]
Hampton Squib.

He doesn't always look so...

Feeble? Fragile?

Oh, easy to k*ll?

Well met, Humpton Squab.

Gilius, we haven't seen you

since you drunkenly
abandoned us

to pursue some half-baked quest

that you swore
would prove us wrong.

You were going after some kind
of imaginary weapon. [laughs]

You always make me laugh
when you do foolish things.

Foolish?!
The blade is very real,

and I found it. Show him!

Behold the Emerald Blade!

Whoa! It's small,

yet in his tiny hands,
it looks huge.

Y-Yeah, well, it may be small,

but you should see what it can
do when Hampton activates it.

Oh, it has powers. [laughs]
What does it do?

Well, it c... it can, um...

- It-it flies!
- Whoa!

- Wait. What?
- That's right.

If you think about stabbing
your enemies in the eye,

it flies to their eye
and stabs them right through it!

- Into their brains.
- Gilius...

And then it wiggles
around in their skull,

and... and then out
the other eyehole.

Making them blind and also dead

from the whole
brain-scrambling thing.

Seems like overkill. I like it.

Ah, you can't
make this stuff up.

Gilius, can I talk
to you for a second?

Gilius and I have to...
get some apples.

Of course. There are apples
right over there.

- [grunts]
- Hey, Gilius, I'm not an idiot.

I can tell you're embarrassed.

Look, it's just
that sometimes you...

You're embarrassed because
the Emerald Blade isn't working.

Oh, right. Right, yes, yes.

That... Yes, that's exactly
what's happening.

I get it. You want to show Ax
and Tyris that you're thriving.

I don't love lying,

but I guess they don't have
to know the whole truth.

That's great!
We'll pretend you're great

and everything is great!

- I am great.
- They'll certainly think so!

We might just get away
with this.

[coughing, groaning]

I forgot I don't like apples.

[wind whistling]

[screeching]

Aah!

[yelling]

Now what are you gonna
hit people with?

Way to go, Gorblock.

The Bad Brothers
thank the Bat Brothers.

[wind whistling]

And then Chronos tore
Damned Hellstrike to shreds.

I saw all his organs.

And he doesn't remember
k*lling his own father?

Chronos seems
like a real cute cat,

but that is nothing
compared to the blood

that Hampton and I have spilled.

Did you miss the part

where Chronos ate
his own father's face?

Tell me, how many father's faces
have you eaten, Humpton Squab?

It's Squib,
and it's also Hampton.

And no dad's faces for me.

But we k*lled a slug.

A giant slug.

And we k*lled Death Adder's
most feared general.

My gods. What was
this foul general's name?

Tell me with your mouth.

Um, oh, it was, um...

Oh, Hampton,
what was his name again?

Uh... Death... Death?

Death Death?

Yup. Death Death is dead.
Dead.

That name rings true.

Thank you
for vanquishing Death Death.

- You're welcome.
- [door thuds]

[cackling]

[clears throat]
I am so sorry.

I'm not here for a fight.

Just clearing my throat
for an announcement.

"The eagle has been hijacked
by the Bad Brothers,

and in one hour, they're going
to fly the eagle upside down."

- [all gasping]
- Yeah. So everyone falls off

unless they get
the Emerald Blade

and the one they call "Hampton."

[shrieking, murmuring]

Thank you for your time
and may you all rest in peace

and not be forced
into an afterlife of servitude

to our dark lord, Death Adder.

Like me.

The Bad Brothers have chosen
the wrong giant eagle.

There's only one giant eagle,
Tyris.

The other one was eaten
by the giant turtle.

- [gasps]
- With the three of us

and the wielder
of the Emerald Blade to lead us,

we'll make short work
of the Bad Brothers.

[cheering]

Can't wait to see
that tiny blade in action.

[laughing]

[quietly]
Gilius, what do we do?

Just keep lying, Hampton.
Just keep lying.

Aah.

Come on. That's good grease.

[sighs]

CHRONOS:
This is an outrage.

I'm 51% human.
I know I have fur,

but I don't belong down hur.

Me, either. Guys like
you and me should be up top

with the regular people
feasting on jumbo shrimp.

[squeaking]

I'd do it, and I'm not
gonna feel bad about it.

I'll be honest.
I don't like seeing all

of these long faces, no offense.

But of course you're down.

- You don't belong down here.
- [screeches]

None of us do.
From the noble lion...

- [roaring]
- to the... whatever this guy is.

Cow.

It's high time
we band together to reclaim

our right to the top
of the eagle.

Yeah. Let's go!

Cow.

Our time has come.

Our time is now!

Follow me to freedom!

[grunting]

It's locked.

You'd think they would have
left it open just a little

to make sure none of us
were Frenching out.

[low growling]

LONGMOAN 2: That Hampton
better show up soon.

If they turn the eagle
upside down,

we're all gonna fly off.

It's a bad plan.

The Bad Brothers are nuts.

You know, I heard
they were conjoined

until they cut themselves apart
at their third birthday party.

Oh, yeah? Where were
they joined? Hip? Leg?

Face? Ear? Knee? Toe?

Elbow? Shoulder?

What's our plan?

- All right, we rush in...
- I'm asking Humpton.

- Really?!
- Really?

If you are truly
as great as Gilius says,

you should be in charge.

Oh, okay. Um... get them?

Let's do his plan.

- Ooh, d*ck?
- Nah, man, it's the--

For Yuria!
That was for Yuria.

- [yells]
- [grunts]

[gasps, muffled groaning]

LONGMOAN 3:
You think you're tough,

but you've never faced
Brennan the Intolerable.

I'm him.

I'm Brennan the Intolerable.

Here he goes. He's gonna do it.

I don't know
where to put my hands.

[both grunting]

[groans]

Aw, what the heck, Gilius.

I wanted to see the whole
brain-scramble thing.

Yeah, well, these weaklings
don't deserve the wrath

of the blade.

- No, no offense.
- None taken.

Now that offends me. [yells]

[wind whistling]

[screeching]

TYRIS: The Bad Brothers will be
at the eagle's head.

We just have
to pass through these woods.

Do the tree roots go
all the way through the ground

into the eagle's back, or
do they just stay in the dirt?

Also, who put the dirt there?

Skeletons!

- [grunting]
- [yelling]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunting]

Oh, gods, there's more!

AX:
I fear there are too many.

Might be a good time
to use the Emerald Blade.

It's okay. You can handle this.

[grunts]
I tire of k*lling skeletons.

I wish to see the blade.

Okay. Uh... [kissing]

[grunts]
Hey! Oh!

I love you. I love you so much.

Hey, I don't... Okay, uh,
why is he kissing his dagger?

Answer the skeleton's question.

Why in the dragon's starfish
is kissing on your list?

I don't know. I wrote down
everything I could think of.

Why would you think of that,
you absolute moron?

I can't do this anymore!
Gilius is lying!

We have no idea
how the Emerald Blade works.

- What?!
- It worked once,

but then it stopped.

Gilius, is this true?

What can really be said
to be true anymore?

This is intense.

Should we... attack?

Whoa! No! If the... if the
heroes are arguing, you wait.

Did you just become a skeleton?

Gilius is embarrassed.

I told him he shouldn't be.

He found the blade
and a wonderful new partner,

and I don't know why he's trying
so hard to impress you.

Enough! We are surrounded.

We must waste our magic
on these lowly skeletons.

[explosions]

Ow!

You know, it also occurs to me
that we should free the eagle.

He's clearly
not having a good time.

Smoked 'em. Now, shall we go
k*ll the Bad Brothers?

No! You lied
about the Emerald Blade

and about the doll boy's ability
to wield it.

Did you even k*ll Death Death?

Now we must face
the Bad Brothers with no magic.

Come, Ax.
The Bad Brothers await.

I wish Chronos were here.

Me, too, Ax. Me, too.

Well, now you see
what those two have been

putting me through
for years, huh?

You're the one putting people
through stuff, Gilius.

You lied all day
about the blade and about me.

Of course it didn't work.
Now I look stupid.

What's the alternative?

Tell them my new partner
is the Chosen One

for a blade he can only
make work on accident?

It's not the blade
I'm embarrassed by, it's you.

Me? Gasp, Gilius, gasp!

See, that right there!

Ax and Tyris are real warriors.

And now they think
I've left them for a child

who can't even gasp
like a normal person.

[gasps]
Hey, that was better.

I have to go and help Ax and
Tyris defeat the Bad Brothers.

- Stay here.
- No! I'm coming with you.

Oh, no, you're not.
Because if

you get anywhere near
the Bad Brothers,

you're going to screw up
and get captured.

Then they will have the blade,
and we will have no hope

of defeating Death Adder,
and all of Yuria will be lost.

You are very, very mean, Gilius.
[grunts]

Hey, pick that up, man.

Sorry, sorry. Wait a second.

Do you work for the eagle?

The logistics of this place
are so confusing.

- [screeching]
- BRUISER: Hey, Rooster,

while we were tying up
those pilots,

I was thinking about it,
and I changed my mind.

- I like your book idea.
- Really?

Even though
there's not that many hammers?

Yeah, and when we get back
to Death Adder,

I think you should pitch it.

M-Maybe I'll just pass it to
some of the pig guards first,

you know,
just to see how it plays.

[wind whistling]

Here's the plan.

I'll take the handsome one,
you take the ugly one.

- Okay.
- Ax, where'd you go?

I made that joke you love.

About one of the Bad Brothers
being handsome?

Sorry, I forgot to laugh.

I can't believe
Gilius lied to us.

Forget Gilius.

Which one of us should take
the handsome one?

- [Ax laughs]
- Don't steal my joke!

Look, I just want to say...

Oh, no need, Gilius.
All is forgiven.

No, it's not!

Tyris is right. No, it's not.

Yet.

But it is now. Right?

Let's just focus
on vanquishing our enemies.

That means she forgives you.

- Yuria!
- [Tyris and Gilius yelling]

They're here!

And they didn't bring Hampton.

That means we can set
our hammers to full bash!

We know it's a placebo.

- Hee-yah!
- [grunts] But it does make us

hammer harder.

Tyris, we must find a placebo
of our own.

[yelling]

[grunting and yelling]

Gilius, I have a plan.

- I'm gonna throw you.
- What? No!

- [yelling]
- [whimpering]

- [grunting]
- [yelling]

Oh, no, no, no! Yeah, no!

[yelling]

[grunts]

[screaming]

HAMPTON:
Okay, one little drop.

- [whimpering]
- [wind howling]

Aah!

Why am I even
going through this list?

I try so hard,

and Gilius turns his back on me
at the first chance?

- It's not fair!
- [whooshing]

Wait. It's working! [grunts]

I don't know why,
but it's working!

- [humming]
- [whirring down]

Okay, it doesn't
like the dance. Noted.

Here I come, Gilius, to prove
you wrong and to save the day!

[grunts, pants]

I really wish
we had our magic... [grunts]

Gilius.

[grunts]
You didn't have to lie to us.

[grunting]

Yes, I did!

I had to prove to you
that I knew what I was doing!

And when you showed up,

and we still hadn't figured out
the Emerald Blade,

I knew you would just treat me
like an embarrassment.

Oh, yeah, like how
you treat Humpton?

That's different!

He's a Hampton,
and I'm a Gilius!

Humpton. He's a Humpton.

[Bad Brothers yelling]

- [both sigh]
- Hey, you know how

we always giggle when we win?

You want to do one of those?

Brother, I'd love to.

[both laughing rhythmically]

All right, Gilius, give us
the boy, and no one gets hurt.

Except for you.
And Ax and Tyris.

And the boy.

Ooh, and this one skeleton

at Death Adder's castle
pisses me off--

I'm going to hurt him real bad!

You fools, Hampton's long gone.

You'll never get him
or the blade.

Yeah!

What are you doing here?!

Shut up. I'm saving Yuria!

[yelling, groaning]

It worked.

I never thought
you'd figure that out.

Of course you didn't,
because you don't believe in me,

and you never will.

I hope you're happy
with Ax and Tyris,

because the blade and I are
going to k*ll Death Adder.

This is just the beginning
of the story of Hampton Squib...

- [yelling]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Hampton! Hampton!
- [all yelling]

- Gilius?
- What happened?

It was Hampton.
He used the Emerald Blade,

and the Bad Brothers dragged him
off the side of the eagle.

We have to save him!

The boy you lied about?

We have to focus on Death Adder.

Hampton is how
we defeat Death Adder.

Whatever, I'm going after him.
[grunts]

Hampton!

You know, Tyris,
I really hope he finds Humpton.

If he lives. Also, it's Hampton.

You've been saying it wrong
all day. "Hampton."

- Humpton. How's that wrong?
- Hampton.

I'm saying
what you're saying-- "Humpton."

- Say "Hamp."
- Hamp.

- Now "Ton."
- Ton.

Now put it together. Hampton.

Humpton.

Are you messing with me?

[gasps]
I would never!

Can you believe
this is all happening

- on the back of an eagle?
- Wait. What?

- [growling]
- [squeaking]

Stay alert. When that door
opens, we strike.

[low growling]

- [wooden thudding]
- Okay, everybody steady.

- On my mark.
- [growling]

Oh, wow.

[growling]

- [squeaking]
- [growling]

You guys look angry.

Steady.

And you should be.

We forgot to feed you.

[growling]

Guys? Guys?! The revolution?

The age of beasts, remember?

[gasps]
Is that rotten fish?

[loud munching]

Not to be
that horse-headed centaur,

but do you have any apples?

- No!
- Oh.

♪ ♪

[man imitates weapons firing]

Chirp.

[production theme]