01x12 - Tornado Days

[bunniefuu]

My name is Marshall Teller.

I knew my new hometown
was going to be different

from where I grew
up in New Jersey.

But this is ridiculous.

Nobody believes me,
but Eerie, Indiana,

is the center of weirdness
for the entire planet.

[CAWING]

Item, Elvis lives
on my paper route.

Thank you, little paperboy.

Item, Bigfoot eats
out of my trash.

Item, even man's best friend
is weird.

Still don't believe me?
You will.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

MARSHALL: Back in New Jersey
we had blizzards

and the occasional hurricane.

But it was equal
opportunity weather.

It went after everybody.

But here in Eerie Indiana,

I couldn't help feeling
that bad weather

was after me personally.

Especially Tornadoes.

Tornadoes are 200 mile an hour
windstorms.

With minds of their own.

But here in Eerie,

instead of taking shelter
in their basements,

people celebrated something
called Tornado Day.

WOMAN:
Having a slight problem,

with the main functions
of a transfer panel.

MAN: Commander,
all the components

have been extended.
It's a go.

Marshall, Simon,
time to go to the picnic.

I'm not going.

Marsh, it's our
first Tornado Day.

How can you even
think of going?

Every year, a tornado
named Old Bob,

strikes Eerie on the same day.

And they've turned it into
some kind of mondo voodoo

pagan ritual.

Do you ever have
a normal thought?

What happened?

Can't find the off switch
on your blow dryer.

Marshall, it's just
a local superstition,
an excuse for a picnic.

Tornadoes are the most
unpredictable events in nature.

Look at it this way. Ever see
a groundhog on Groundhog Day?

And there isn't
a cloud in the sky.

One year, a tornado
did carry off

Mr. Degen Ford.

Everybody said Old Bob
was picking on him.

For not going
to the picnic.

Simon, you've been hanging
around Marshall too much.

Simon, didn't you say
you bought a raffle ticket?

Uh, I did,
but I was forced.

I know why he
won't go with us.

It all started the first time
he saw The Wizard Of Oz.

He's afraid of tornadoes.

The only thing
I am afraid of

is being seen in public
with you.

All right. All right.
Enough, okay.

Marshall, if you're worried
about tornadoes, stay here.

If a cyclone comes
and you hear a siren,

and that's a big if,

just go down
to the south-east...

No, no, no, that's
the south-west corner.

The basement. Okay, let's go,
don't want to be late.

Old Bob might
have a cow.

Last chance to
change your mind.

No way.

Suit yourself. Simon?

No thanks, Mrs. Teller.

[CAR REVVING]

They're crazy.

Loony tunes.

But, after an hour,

if Old Bob hasn't shown up,

could we go
to the drawing?

We interrupt our
Commander Cody marathon

for this special report.

I'm weatherman Wally
from W-E-R-D weather central.

Our weather map shows
this cell, a violent air,

four miles off of Eerie,

moving Northwest
at a high rated speed.

Just in time for the
Tornado Day drawing...

-[SIREN BLARING]
-Bob's back right on schedule.

[STRAINING]

BOTH: Whoa!

[LOUD CRASH]

[DOG BARKING]

[METAL CREAKING]

Mister, are you all right?

Where are we?

SIMON: Eerie Indiana.

Amazing.

Absolutely amazing!

My last navigational check

showed me blowing up
Highway Three out of Muncie.

Why aren't you boys
at the picnic?

What are you trying to do?

Make him mad?

Make who mad?

Old Bob.

MARSHALL:
Eerie Indiana, day 139.

He said his name
was Howard Raymer,

and that he fell
out of a tornado.

Even on the Eerie's scale
of weirdness from one to ten,

ten being the weirdest,

this was definitely a nine,

and a half.

Want some Dijon with that?

Yeah, good idea.

How did you get
in the tornado?

Hmm, I picked up
Old Bob's yearly formation

just east of Indianapolis
yesterday afternoon.

And the mesocyclone

started to shape up
early this morning.

Next thing I knew...
[whistling]

I was aloft.

[HOWARD CLEARS THROAT]

Six hours inside the old
tornado rider.

Sounds dangerous.

[CHUCKLES]
It's incredibly dangerous.

But, hey, somebody's
got to do it.

I work for NOAA.

The guy from the bible?

No, no, no, NOAA.

The National Oceanic
and Atmospheric Administration.

I am a meteorologist.

I've never met
a weatherman before.

No, weatherman are guys

who were stupid
pink bow ties on TV.

A meteorologist
is a scientist.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Besides an iron will
and nerves of steel,

you need scientific training,

to deal with tornadoes.

Three hundred miles
per hour winds

can drive a piece of straw
through a tree.

Or strip the clothes
off a man.

Tornado is as temperamental
as a two-year-old

who's lost his toys.

You make it sound
like it's alive.

That's my theory.

And all violent
weather systems,

tornadoes, cyclones, hurricanes,
waterspouts are alive.

Why else would people
give them names?

Like Old Bob?

Old Bob in particular.

He likes to collect things.

I think he picked
up Amelia Earhart.

Sucked her right out
of the Pacific.

Simon.

Remember that old
Lockheed Electra

they found
in Deadwood Park?

Amelia Earhart's plate.

You don't suppose
she is that old lady

we always see jogging?

So what makes you think
tornadoes are living things?

[SCOFFS] Come with me.

What is this thing anyway?

My own invention.

Tornado rider.

This is a radio isotopic
thermally generated

cyclonic acoustic
data storage unit.

Built it myself.

I'd suppose
you'd have to.

What's it do?

It records the vocal sounds
of a tornado.

You're listening
to Old Bob himself.

[WIND HOWLING ON TAPE]

Sounds like a bunch of wind.

That's what everyone says.

My boss, my girlfriend.

You just have
to listen.

This... is proof.

[INDISTINCT VOICES]

That's the voice
of a tornado?

No way.

How does it know
your name?

We're old pals,

Bob and me.

What did you mean when you
said, "Old Bob was mad"?

Madder than a bumblebees
in a blender.

Big storms have big egos.

In Bob, I hate the name.

Bob, is no exception.

Every year he
leaves Eerie alone,

because they throw
a picnic for him.

When you guys didn't go...

Well, he took that
as a sign of disrespect.

You mean to tell me
that the twister's mad,

because I missed a picnic?

Listen to this.

OLD BOB:
Marshall. Marshall Teller.

Marshall. Marshall Teller.

Marshall, you got
to believe me.

If I don't get back
up in that twister fast,

there's no telling what
kind of damage he might do.

Do what you got to do.
Get him out of here.

I will,
but I need your help.

Wait a second.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi. Happy Tornado Day.

Hi, Officer.

Happy Tornado Day.

Mom.

Dad, it's over.

Are you sure?

Sure I am sure.

It was just Old Bob.

Hey, folks, you know
right now that Bob

has passed us by,

I think we're about ready
to begin all the adventures.

In fact, why don't we
join Miss. Tornado Day

for the grand drawing?

Duty calls.

Bye, sweetheart.

So, Marshall was right,

Old Bob appeared
right on schedule.

How can you
be so calm?

Well, what happened
really was just

the way everyone
said it would be.

Every year Old Bob appears,

takes his swipe at the trailer
court and moves on.

I am worried about Marshall.

I am sure he was safe
in the basement

the moment
the siren sounded.

I'll give him a call.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Teller Residence.

Hi, Dad.

No, no, no, it's all right.

No, uh...

No, we hardly felt it here.

No, no!

Every thing's
perfectly normal.

Yeah, bye.

I wasn't quite sure
how to act around Howard,

but we had to do something.

It was my fault
that Bob was on the...

Message recorded.
I am all set.

These jumper cables
will be able to turn

every warning siren in Eerie
into a giant set of speakers.

If that doesn't get the message
across, nothing will.

Ready, troops?

Uh, after you, Marsh.

What about you, Marshall?
Are you with me?

Or against me?

Anything to scare Old Bob.

Simon, if anything happens--

I can have your bike?

Simon.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Step right up.

Time's running out to enter
the 87th annual Tornado Day

grand prize sweepstakes.

Take a chance to win
an all new trailer

courtesy of
Eerie RV world.

Second prize in the big
blowout sweepstakes

is a three day all
expense paid vacation

to our sister city
of Normal Illinois.

[INDISTINCT WARBLING
OVER LOUDSPEAKERS]

God, what's that?

You ever heard a tornado
warning that weird?

This does not bode well.

I hope no one here's
been disrespectful.

Edgar, we better go home.

No one's going anywhere.

This is
an emergency situation.

Everyone will take shelter
in this building.

MARSHALL: Item,
in September 1967,

a tornado struck
St. Louis Missouri.

Destroying a whole row
of five story buildings,

but leaving a kid's lemonade
stand untouched.

I couldn't let that happen.

Not even to Eerie.

Old Bob had to go. Today.

For good. I wanted this
to be his last tornado.

[WARBLING CONTINUES]

That should get
Old Bob's attention.

Meaning?
He's leaving.

We really saved Eerie?

All right! Hi-five.

Huh? Oh.

So what exactly did
we say to Old Bob?

This.

Bob, it's me Howard.

Your mama
was a death devil, Bob.

Come and get me, Bob,

you big bag of wind.

"Come and get me"?

"You big bag of wind"?

I am no expert, but I am
pretty sure it's not smart

to tease a tornado.

I mean, that could
bring him back.

I want him to come back.

Old Bob is dangerous
and I can't stop him

unless I'm inside of him
with the tornado rider.

Are you sure your brain
didn't get scrambled

spinning around
in Old Bob?

If he did turn around,
he can murderize us.

Bingo.

Marshall! Marshall, look!

It's Old Bob.

MARSHALL:
It's true, he's right there.

What should we do?

Ever wondered just
what you'd do

if you only had
ten minutes to live?

No.

Now is your chance.

Come and get me, Bob.

This time it's personal!

[WIND HOWLING]

[SCREAMING]

MARSHALL: Okay.
Having a tornado hunter

land on your front lawn
might be cool at first.

But how was I to know he was
going to pick a fight

with a k*ller tornado?

Howard,
forget this hero stuff.

We've got to get
in the basement.

Southwest corner.

You go ahead. I've
got an appointment

with an old friend.

Don't go out there.
You're gonna get us all k*lled.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

MARSHALL AND SIMON:
Geez Louis!

Howard...

I think Old Bob just nuked
your tornado rider.

What did we ever
do to him anyway?

[SIGHS]

Well, that baby originally
went over Niagara Falls.

Maybe I could
borrow your bike.

No way.
The basement, now.

I'll go out there
naked if I have to.

Why? It's me he's mad at.

You don't understand it.

It's for my friends.

SIMON AND MARSHALL:
"Friends"?

Six years ago,

I was in charge of this
group at NOAA.

We were all obsessed
with tornadoes.

Some were researchers,
some were daredevils,

but we all had one
thing in common.

We all wanted
to know the secrets.

I knew it was dangerous,

but I was arrogant.

I lead seven men
into the belly of Old Bob.

Only I came out.

That tornado
k*lled my friends.

I got to do something
about it.

Getting k*lled won't help.

[SIGHS] All I want to do
is trick Old Bob

into crossing Lake Eerie.

The moist cool air will
finish him.

How do you trick a tornado?

You ride 'em like
a rodeo cowboy.

Ee-ha!

Longer you hang on,
the more control you have.

Using my cyclonic data unit,

I can get into the exact
center of the funnel.

Then I've got
a chance to steer it.

[SIGHS]

Where am I gonna find
a new tornado rider?

I've got an idea.
Come on.

That's Old Bob now.

I wish you could stop
talking about him

like he's college buddy.

No, honey, this
happens every year.

Doesn't it, Radford?

No. I've never seen it
this bad before.

It's terrifying,
the wind speed...

Thanks, I needed that.

Please move to the rear
of the store.

Good idea.

Well, shouldn't we be
on the ground somewhere?

Like in a basement?

The store was hardened
against nuclear strikes.

It's perfectly safe.

Sweetheart, come on.

I'll be right there.

So what
about you, Officer?

I laugh a danger.

[SCREAMS]

What do you think?

It's perfect.

Isn't this stealing?

This is an emergency.
It's borrowing.

All right, come here.

Marsh, what are you doing?

And the winner is...

Pick me,
pick me, pick me.

What's your number?

One hundred and three.

What do you know,


Congratulations,
Simon Holmes, now let's go.

I won the trailer?
I really won?

I've never won
anything before.

MARSHALL: Simon, come on.

HOWARD: Heave h*!

[GRUNTING]

* Nearer, my God, to thee

* Nearer to thee

* Nearer, my God, to thee

Old Bob sure
is riled up this year.

We maybe forced to take
some extraordinary measures.

You don't mean...

Right. Human sacrifice
is barbaric.

Besides, where will
we be find

an innocent, chaste,
unsuspecting maiden?

What?

We don't have much time!

Here, you might need this
if you make to Lake Eerie.

Don't worry,
I'll make it.

You seen my
cyclonic data unit?

Look!

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.
Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Ditto.

You boys better
take shelter.

But what about your
cyclonic data unit?

You will be flying
blind without that.

It's a chance
I'll have to take.

Now get inside. Now!

[SCREAMS]

Where is it?

SIMON: Where is what?

Marshall, it's too late.

I can't let Howard
go without it.

Marshall,
you'll k*ll yourself.

Howard, open up!

Marshall.

Get back in the house!

You forgot this.

Thanks.

That's a brave
thing you did.

What?

I said,
that was very brave.

Never mind.
Get back inside!

Good luck!
Take him out.

HOWARD: Hold on!

MARSHALL: I am holding!

Marshall, come back!

Hang on!

Help! Don't let go.

HOWARD: I won't.
Just hold on!

Help me!

Howard...

[HOWARD SCREAMS] Marshall!

[SIREN BLARING]

Not again!

That's the all clear.

You are free to return
to your homes.

God bless you all!

MAN: You want a sandwich?

Antacid?

[BOTH EXCLAIM]

This looks familiar.

Edgar!

Let's go find Marshall.
Come on.

SIMON: Marshall? Marsh?

Olly olly oxen free.

He just walked
out into the storm?

Our Marshall.

But he was so afraid
of that tornado.

In the end,
he was incredibly brave.

You know,
I almost feel bad

about all the mean
things I said.

Oh, Edgar.

Honey, nothing's
gonna happen to Marshall.

He'll still turn up.

MARSHALL: Hey, what
about "handsome"?

And I didn't hear
"brilliant" or "cool".

[GASPS] Marshall,
you're alive!

How on earth did you
get up there on that tree?

I had a little
help from Old Bob.

You mean you were outside
when the tornado struck?

Didn't you hear the warning?

I had a job to do.

Hey, it's just Old Bob.
Nothing to be afraid of, right?

Right. Now, get down
out of that tree.

Marsh.

Where is Howard?

MARSHALL: That night,
weatherman Wally

had a UFO report.

Someone had seen
a spacecraft

that look a lot like
a wind-master trailer

headed toward the great
lakes at 300 miles an hour.

Maybe Howard was crazy.

Maybe he was some
kind of genius.

I don't know.

But thanks to him, I'll never
let Eerie scare me again.

Well, not as much.

HOWARD: Yee-haw!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]