01x06 - The Young And The Twitchy

[bunniefuu]

I do solemnly swear that everything

I am about to tell you is true.

A spill of weirdness from

another dimension turned my

hometown into the center of

weirdness for the entire universe.

Don't believe me? Just watch.

Of all people, shouldn't be here.

Misty, listen to me.

I'm where we both know I must be.

Here. There. Over there.

Even way over there.

Wherever you are.

soap operas used to have

just one thing going for them.

They were on in the daytime when

normal people were doing regular stuff.

Then my sister Carrie figured

out how to program the VCR.

Suddenly all hours of

the day and night were

filled with the trials

and tribulations of.

the beguiling in the base.

Dinner's on the clock everyone.

Mom, is it not your duty

as a mother to rest control

of our television from those

who had wrought our minds?

And those whose minds

have already been rotted.

This is a good part.

When was the last time your husband

even supported a woman like you needs?

It has been hours.

Calminate me.

Hello? Is that not the stupidest

thing you've ever seen?

It's Carrie time.

Mom? I did?

Mom? Really?

Was that kind of romantic?

This is so far beyond

cool, cool as out of sight.

Oh my name just got picked

in the take-home stag drawer.

Is that like take-home Chinese food?

No, you don't understand.

Stag carnally is coming to Erie.

I used to think soap operas

were stupid but pretty harmless.

Sort of like pink candy

floss for the brain.

But that was before Stag

carnally came to town.

Something burning?

Edward.

I know. I know.

I said I was going to fix it.

We can do with our toast for another day.

But we miss you.

I'll get it.

When I'm done with these midterms.

What? You'll make it up to me.

Oh yeah.

Mom, Dad, please.

They're children present.

Morning, Professor Taylor.

Morning, Mrs. Taylor.

Hey, Lizzy.

Oh, yes, hi.

I got the lab reports graded through

and I was thinking that I could

help you today with the exams.

Or would I be without

my teaching assistant?

Away from home even more.

Now you hurry up with those

exams and come home soon.

Okay.

Have a good day, honey.

You can count on that.

Stag day, Dad.

Gotta keep up with this stuff.

Stag day, huh?

Go, team.

Life in Erie had made me something

of a connoisseur of Greek synodities.

His Stag carnally was

coming to the world of stuff.

Stanley and me were

going to have front row seats.

In order, ladies and gentlemen, friends,

romance lovers, it is my

great pleasure this time

to introduce Erie to the star

of the beguiling in the base.

Stag car now.

For all these people who are

ready for a big disappointment.

Hello everyone.

It's great to be back in

Erie for the very first time.

We love you, Stag.

And I love each and every

one of you so very much.

Oh, I suppose this must be the lovely

young woman who brought me here.

Harry Taylor.

Carrie.

I knew you'd be beautiful.

I knew you'd be beautiful, but I

never knew you'd have those eyes.

Mine was pretty bad,

but this is disgusting.

And now, everyone

wants to form a single line.

Mr.

Carnally, Stag has agreed to sign up again.

Come on, Stag.

I want to get a closer look at this guy.

I actually had an unpleasant

confrontation on my way here.

The pair of evil twins.

Once I thought I had left my hand.

I can't wait to get you home so

that I can really take care of you.

You're not seriously taking

the sky home, are you?

Stag, this is my brother, Mitchell,

and his m*dget friend, Stanley.

Is that really your hair?

Of course he did, son.

Unless I'm gonna keep these

autograph secrets waiting.

Shall we?

You okay, Stag?

Yeah, it's just, she's too good for him.

Hello, Stanley!

Step out of it!

What?

Where am I?

Oh, thank you.

Carrie, I can't tell you

how rare it is to find

someone who understands

my pain or my confusion.

My life has not been

free of calamity either.

They sense that about you.

I

I don't fit in here.

I've thought some feelings

that no one understands.

Let me be your guide.

Things were taking a plot twist

even the soaps wouldn't touch.

My sister was no longer

just watching the soaps.

She was living them.

She wouldn't listen to me, so our only hope

lay in the level-headed

sanity of my parents.

Moments about Carrie!

Surprise, Mom.

This is Stag Carnally.

Stag, Mom.

Well, there it is.

I suppose it had to be.

That such a lovely young woman would have

to have such a beautiful, beautiful mother.

I want to thank you for inviting

me into your wonderful home.

Being close to this terrific family has

a special meaning to me.

He never had a home of his own.

My real parents were

k*lled just before I was born.

After, that would be just after I was

born an incident involving a camel.

Anyway, I've always longed

to experience a real family.

You're a good friend.

Well, you'll have to stay.

We'd be happy to

I accept your offer, Mrs. Tim.

A place.

Mary Ann.

Mary Ann.

Good thing Mr. Crawford

never changes his magazines.

Some of these go all the way back to 75.

This guy's romance done abandoned 73 women.

All of them married.

Stanley, I think this guy's

setting up my mom for number 74.

Thank goodness, Carrie.

You're missing the point.

Somewhere along the line, the beguiling

and the bass started seeping into reality.

See, in the older magazines, they talk

about an actor named Sidney Dumptruck,

who plays Stag.

But, as you go on, they stop referring

to Dumptruck and just call him Stag.

Like he's a real person?

Listen to this.

As with everything, Stag

Carnelli steals a wife in style.

He shares a cranberry

soda and a slap on the

back with the husband

of the intended victim.

Leaving the poor sap to believe

that Stag is his best friend.

Don't any of these

husbands try to stop him?

Well, in here it says that the last three

guys who got in Stag's way wound up getting

popped on the head and

shipped off in a sloboe to Shanghai.

Let's get one thing straight.

This guy's not Stag Carnelli.

He's just an actor.

An actor who's turning my house into

a three ring round the clock soap opera.

We have to do something.

The time when we're apart,

I call up these moments.

I savor this special relationship we share.

Oh, Claude.

That'll be three dollars for the cat food.

The litter will begin on,

shall we say, Tuesday.

I didn't know what madness was infecting

my family, but it was clearly spreading.

With my mom now firmly in

Stag's overacting clutches,

there was only one

member of the family who

I knew could be trusted

to keep a level head.

Dad, thank goodness you're home.

Where's Mom?

She's in the kitchen

with Stag and your sister.

You met him?

Oh, yeah. He was a nice guy.

Made me this.

I'm not much of a cranberry

drinker, but the thought was nice.

Daddy doesn't have to everyone

whose wife he's trying to steal.

Ha, ha, ha, Stag?

You want to steal your mother away?

Let's absurd.

Trust me, this guy's a home wrecker.

Home wrecker, Mitchell, be serious.

He romances married women

and then abandons them.

Anybody who tries to get in

his way ends up in Shanghai.

I'm sure your mother

can take care of herself.

No, he's got like this power.

Oh, yeah.

Dad, you gotta believe me.

Stag?

Yes.

Are you all right?

Oh, yes, yes, I'm fine.

It's nothing.

It's, uh, it's a lost love, a

painful memory, a sacrifice.

I think your grip on reality grows

weaker with each passing day, Mitchell.

A couple of nights on

the couch won't hurt you.

You're giving him my room?

At your age, Stag slept on the

dirt floor of an Appalachian shack.

As he dreamed of driving

Formula One automobiles.

and starting the high-tech firm

that would make him his first million.

Igor, I have another package for you.

That's right.

Express to Shanghai.

Would you people listen to me?

He doesn't drive race cars

and he didn't create anything.

He's an actor.

And don't you think there's something

funny about all this organ music?

I mean, we don't even own an organ.

Hey, go, everyone.

Edward, old buddy.

I've got another refreshing

non-alcoholic beverage.

I don't mind if I do.

There you are.

Cheers.

Oh, sorry there, bud.

I'll get it.

Oh, hi, Lizzie.

Are you ready?

Eddie?

How do you have to work?

Dad, you can't go to work.

We're in crisis mode here.

Leaving us yet again with

no way of making toast.

I'm so sorry, honey.

I know how important toast is to you.

It's just that once I get out

from underneath all this stuff,

coming, Eddie.

Goodbye, everyone.

See you.

Yeah, it's not my place

to say being a guest in all,

but if I were your husband, Wild

Gators couldn't drive me from your side.

Great, Dad's back.

Can I help you?

This is the Taylor-Reggie Densee.

Uh-huh.

Are you a Mitchell?

Yes.

Hey, Carl.

Hey, hey, hey, come on.

Look, look, look, put me around.

Ah!

Are you all right?

It's Mitchell.

He's been kidnapped.

I'm doing good.

But luckily for us, I'm here.

Those th*gs will root the

day they were ever conceived.

Things were not looking so hot.

My mom and sister had been sucked

into the world of a really bad soap opera,

and I'd just found out what

it means to be Shanghai.

You learn something every day and every.

And sometimes what you learn can be fatal.

Let me out of here.

Mitchell, Stanley, over here.

Give me out of this thing.

Mitch, is that right?

Yes, all right.

But give me out of here.

I saw him grab you.

I followed with my bike.

Good work, Stanley.

Let's go.

We don't have a minute to lose.

Careless to me.

These th*gs.

Was one of them a seven-foot tall

half-balled redhead with a wooden foot?

Um, no.

Good.

Good.

That narrows the field right down.

Oh, Stag.

What will we do?

Until young Mitchell has returned to us,

we shall keep his

image alive in our hearts.

Is this image alive enough for ya?

Sorry, Stag.

Your little scheme didn't work.

Thanks to my friend, Stanley.

That's so heroic.

Oh, it was nothing.

I couldn't have lived with myself

if I had left you without a brother.

Stag, please stay with me.

I was on to your plan from the start, Stag.

You tried to Shanghai me, but no.

Mitchell Taylor doesn't Shanghai easily.

Mum, call the cops.

You must forgive my son.

He's a hyperactive imagination.

It's an illness, really.

A tragic illness.

I feel your pain.

Come on, mama.

This guy had me kidnapped.

Carrie, are you seeing the show?

You know what he does?

Mitchell, why don't you and Stanley

go do something boyishly life-affirming?

Oh, Marianne.

If only I had someone like you in my life.

Everything would have

been so very different.

Maybe it's not too late.

Oh, Marianne.

Oh, Stag.

Oh, no.

This is making trouble, Stanley.

Unless we can figure

out how to beat this guy.

My mom's salt meat.

What are we gonna do though?

We get in his way again.

Both of us might end up learning Chinese.

Inside a trunk.

Yeah.

Unless Stag makes a

decision to leave her at home.

Stanley, we're gonna

find Stag a better storyline.