01x08 - The Newsroom

[bunniefuu]

I do solemnly swear that everything

I am about to tell you is true.

A spill of weirdness from

another dimension turned my

hometown into the center of

weirdness for the entire universe.

Don't believe me? Just watch.

From my perspective, things

in Erie, Indiana are generally

pretty weird, but that's not exact

for a page news around here.

And even when it is, I'm the

only one who seems to notice.

Another problem with Erie?

It's a one newspaper town.

Papers here!

Sports.

Front page, please.

And there's some finance.

So, on most mornings,

there's enough to read.

Comics!

If you don't have to share

it with too many people.

Your mom invited me for breakfast.

Oh, great!

Wheat wackers lost again.

That's zero and forty.

More layoffs at the plant.

Erie stock exchanges down 22 points.

They're going to go my shares

and pop and go pimp-o-cream.

Hey, this is from Erie Technologies.

Stanley is here.

What's here?

Our space age marvel of communications

technology? No batteries required.

For best results, wax string.

Wax not included. For long distance,

calling edge string from package.

String may contain unknown fibers.

This isn't what the ad promised.

This is interesting.

Erie girl has world's pointiest head.

Passing off two tin cans as a marvel

of science was more than a swindle.

It was betrayal of a newspaper's

responsibility to print the truth.

I knew somebody had to take

on the power of the press here.

What I didn't know was the

Erie Inquirer wasn't just weird.

It was downright dangerous.

Try it again, Mitchell!

Testing one, two, three!

This thing!

I heard that! Try it again!

Dad, I paid $14 plus

shipping for this stupid thing.

When I was a kid, a good piece

of string and a set of tin cans.

Only set you back about $4.50.

Dad, they call on innocent children.

Where's the honesty? Where's the justice?

Where do you guys keep your wax?

I mean, isn't that considered lying?

I think the official term is advertising.

What do your wax work?

Well, you know what?

I'm going to sue for false advertising.

Honey, technically you

are walking and talking.

Mom, your only son's being victimized.

Mitchell, please. I am swamped today.

As soon as I get to the nuclear

plant, I'm taking the phone off the hook.

I just don't have time to

deal with this right now.

What did you talk to the paper?

Get them to do an expose.

Your mother's right.

The newspapers have to print the truth.

The whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Or is that the postal service?

You know, I'm going to go down there.

I'm going to go down there and

I'm going to fight for my rights.

Well, I'll drive you.

The paper says it's going to rain.

Now, we'll walk.

Come on, Stan.

It's amazing how the enquirer

always knows the weather.

Hi.

Bye-bye.

Excuse me, sir. I'm looking for the editor?

You're looking at him. Emil Conrad.

Well, sir, you see, it's about

Make it stop at young fellow.

I got a newspaper to get out.

Well, it was just That

I We Stanley me.

That's the who.

Now, give me the what, where, why, and how?

We ordered a walkie-talkie

from an ad in your paper.

And we were

expecting Well, this

Space Age marble of

communications technology?

What's your point?

It's a string with two tin cans attached.

Hello. Roger will go over and up.

I heard that perfectly.

Now, unless you got some news

I'm misleading ad.

It's a great human interest story.

People got no interest in human interest.

They want blood, Gore,

death, and destruction.

That's what sells papers.

Now, if you strangled yourself in the

strings, then it was a slow news day.

Maybe.

What are you re-technologies?

Is ripping off unsuspecting kids?

Did you read the fine print?

What fine print?

Not exactly as illustrated.

It may not work, no refunds.

One way or another, the area

enquirer always prints the truth.

Sorry, but you made that

trip down here for biscuits.

I need real stories.

Hey!

I don't think I I

got a paper to run.

I don't know what felt worse.

I don't know what felt worse.

That we'd been tricked,

or that we'd come in with a useless

walkie-talkie, and now we didn't even have that.

You're coming?

He took our walkie-talkie!

So what?

It doesn't work.

It still ours.

Wow.

What's all this?

Here.

I don't know, but there's Mr. Crawford.

Hey, cheese, we're back in your midst.

Mr. Crawford?

What are you doing here?

Isn't this great, fellas?

I won today's get your

picture in the paper contest.

Get that back to the press product.

You bet, chief.

Hey, scope?

I don't hear them presses

rumbling for the late edition.

Hold your horses, boss.

I'm just punching up the lead.

Hey, you kids.

Get out of here.

You're not allowed back here.

Well, come on, I'll tell

them to buy you a black cow.

Are we finished?

Yeah, you'll find your

picture in the late edition.

Well, what about our walkie-talkie?

Can't.

I'm busy.

Now take the air before you find yourself

in the center of some tragic news storm.

What's that?

The presses are rolling.

Exciting, isn't that?

Ha ha ha.

Come on, guys.

You go ahead, Mr. Crawford.

We'll catch up.

Oh.

We still got a score to settle.

Oh, we'll say you have mad enough

to bundle a paper with my order.

From fame.

Frank, I'm in risk of his kitten.

You called his music.

No, no, it's the morning.

I hit his shoe.

We want to write some

nice stories for a change.

Forget it.

Somebody's interested.

Lots of people like good news.

Yeah.

Erie man clones pig opens

two for one rib restaurant.

That was good news.

That's what you like the rib.

Don't be dizzy.

We compete with 24-hour news channels,

and every clown has a website.

Pick up the news first, so

our news has to grab people.

But I pay you to write bad news

because bad news grabs people.

So, change the kitten to a tiger

and make him eat the fireman.

But first, I need something bad

enough to run an extra edition.

An extra?

Chief, newspapers don't

publish extra editions anymore.

Right.

Because TV always scoops them.

But not today.

We're running an extra at 6 P.M.

Too late for all those blow-guide

pollutants to beat us to it.

So use your news and think bad.

Real bad for now.

Okay.

Summer vacation canceled.

That'll grab the young reader.

Maybe all vacations canceled.

I am not too sad that you want.

Okay.

School bus sinks into life.

Been done.

An avalanche?

This time of year?

Oh, man.

Am I hungry.

I could really go for a tuna melt.

That's it?

Well, that's a headline.

Man bites tuna.

No, Mr. Pulitzer.

I'm melt down.

That's a nuclear plant.

We've never done that.

Yeah.

I like it.

Injuries?

Gotta be.

Eight?

Nah, not eight.

Eight is not a sad number.

Now, something with an L in it.

L's a sad.

Like

Yeah.

That's it.

I like eight.

Hey, you looking partial.

What's sadder?

Or Eight.

Uh I don't know.

Maybe 11.

Not bad.

Thanks, Buster.

You got a nose for news.

Have you seen our walkie talkie?

Look.

We've got an extra edition to get out.

So, uh Am's great.

Okay.

Right.

Come on, Stan.

What?

It's my couple of eggs.

Yeah.

I'm just like Conrad to steal their toy

and call it an upgrade of the phone system.

What?

Hello?

What?

Meezier.

Crushes.

House.

No.

Meezier.

Mashes.

Town.

It doesn't seem.

Mr. Conrad?

Hey.

What part of some tragic news

story didn't you guys understand?

Out.

Asteroid.

Obliterate.

Worsenage.

Hey.

Hey.

Check this out.

Why didn't Mr. Crawford tell us?

Well, it's in the paper.

Must have happened earlier today.

Maybe he thought we already knew.

Mmm.

Let's go check it out.

Hi, fellas.

Aren't these humdingers?

Didn't even order them.

Just arrived on my doorstep.

Straight off the plane.

From Mexico?

Mexico.

No.

These little puppies are from the Yukon.

Home with the pinata.

These are the vlogs, anyway.

Well, what about the riot?

What riot?

The riot in the paper.

So there wasn't a riot here?

No.

And a riot, something I'd remember.

You see the Enquire does

print stuff that's not true.

And it was right there in black and white.

And it all over.

And it all over.

I love that joke.

Me too.

We got him.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, what a weird thing!

Don't follow that!

No, it's a candy riot.

Just like the Enquire said.

Lucky, do you ask?

No.

No.

They mixed stuff up right

then and it comes true.

This must be the later

edition they were talking about.

And these important words were

working on an extradition at 6 o'clock.

Milt down at the nuclear

plant, my monster's gonna plant.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Stop!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

And if it did, that meant

that the story they'd written

about my mom and her

nuclear plant would come true.

Come on! Is it the bone? Please!

Hello! You reached Mary Ann

Taylor after you renewed your plan.

To report a strange ring glow of the air,

press 1, for two headed animals, press 2.

She's not answering!

She took the bone off the hook, remember?

We gotta get down there!

Stanley without security clearance,

my dad can't even get to the gate.

I'm not sure there's time.

Listen, you can try.

And cold didn't carry, too!

Wait! Where do you know it?

The story can't come

true, but stop the presses!

Somehow, I had to find out how they did

what they were doing at the Erie Inquirer.

Saved my mom and, if there

was time, cancel our subscription.

I don't think eights are sad on number.

Eight? Fate? There's a sense

of tragic destiny, you know?

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to get your

picture in the paper contest.

Great! We got just the ticket!

Got it!

Fanny, you were great!

What's this all about anyway?

Oh, big meltdown at the nuclear plant.

It's too hot to get pictures.

But this, this is the hole

that China left behind.

You can't do that!

My mom works at that nuclear plant.

Gee, Buster, that's

Tough. Look, I know you guys make up the

news. I don't know how you do it, but

Grab them! You hurt me, Scallop! Grab them!

Where's the other one?

He was by himself,

Chief, but I think he's why.

You better make sure

something's bad, but

newsworthy happens to

him and his friends as well.

We're in here!

Let me go!

Please, you can't go through this!

You can't do this to my mom!

Yeah, maybe we ought

to rethink this meltdown.

Yeah, yeah, it could be a small one.

They could catch it just in time.

Sure, play up a close call, Engel.

Listen, you two, and I took this paper

over. It was sinking. Bad news, save it.

So, think up an angle for

the kid in this pile, or you'll be

looking for work at good

newspapers that aren't there anymore.

Or do I have to put your

names in the noose?

A roller coaster derailment?

Nah, too carnally.

Uh, skateboarding over a cliff.

Too much like the whole of China, come on!

Why couldn't they just get marooned

on some nice tropical island? Yeah!

You're hopeless.

I'll do it myself.

Look, I know you're the guy who makes

up all the bad news, and I can't do this!

Kid? I don't know choice.

These days, the only way to be ahead of the

game is to make up news nobody else has.

So, I type up eerie, oh boy, loses use

of legs. I hit control of reality, and

I can't do my legs!

I know, people love human

tragedy pieces, eat them up!

Chief, you can't, he's just a kid.

I relax, I'm just taking

the bounce out of

his pins until he gets

the extradition done.

Oh, eerie boys to visit Mere Space Station.

Hey, this is great!

We'll Bury it on page 6

so their folks won't notice

it, and then we'll launch

them in the early edition.

By the time they get

back, we'll be out of

this one's worst time

and in the syndication.

Scoop, Trixie!

Give me a hand with the press room.

Guys, look, you gotta help

me change that headline.

Please!

No, we can't.

I'm sorry, he breaks my

heart, this is happening to ya.

Really? How many other people

have you guys done this to?

Hey, we're right, guys.

You're reading us all wrong.

Am I?

It's just a story, but you're making it

happen to real people, people like me.

Hey!

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't

reach that weird machine of theirs.

I felt completely helpless.

And if the clock was

right, I had less than 10

minutes to prevent a

disaster, and save my mom.

Hey, Joe!

Stanley, what are you doing here?

I couldn't get ahold of anyone.

Come on, we gotta go.

No, I can't move my legs.

Look, go over to that machine, and type

in Mitchell Taylor regains use of legs.

What?

You hurt me. That's the machine

that makes up the news. Now, go!

Can't you type any faster?

I'm not your secretary.

Okay.

Okay, now hit control, alt, reality.

Whoops.

I typed in Mitchell Taylor

regains use of eggs.

Who fixed it?

There.

Good.

Not to fix that and k*ll a meltdown story.

Your mom averts nuclear disaster.

I think it'll work.

Let's hope so.

Hello?

Dad, hi. Um, we were

just wondering, have you

heard anything like

an expl*si*n recently?

An expl*si*n.

Yeah, we heard something might

have happened at Mom's nuclear plant.

Oh, wow. I'm sure we would have

heard something by now, Mitchell.

In fact, if it had, we'd probably

all be halfway to Jupiter by now.

And topping the news,

the Erie Inquirer is reporting

that a local mom has

averted a nuclear meltdown.

Hey, that's good news.

Where did that come from?

Way to go, honey.

We did it! Yes.

Yeah, but now what? What's the stop

then from coming back and changing it?

You're right.

We still have to change the

story about the Mearspace Station.

Why not leave it to a pro, kid?

You want a story that

solves all our problems?

Yeah, it's about time somebody

wrote some good news about it here.

Not while I'm at it here, you don't.

Dan!

Trixie, wait.

Well, I've got a headline for you.

No, don't.

Get it, Trixie!

No, don't! Stop the presses!

What happened? Where's Mr. Conrad?

You scoped him, Buster.

He's yesterday's news.

Things got back to normal pretty quickly.

The news still wasn't great, but once in

a while a few good stories broke through.

Marianne Taylor.

Best performance by a nuclear

plant employee in a supporting role.

Wow. This is really something, honey.

I still don't feel like I

really even did anything.

You know, I didn't even

know that button was there.

Until I sat on it.

No, you're being too humble.

Tom, like America doesn't give their

revered two-headed calf to just anybody.

Paper's here.

Looks like your 15 minutes are up, Mum.

Your picture's not on the front page today.

Oh, wow.

Must be more good news.

Yeah, I can't believe how much

of it's been happening lately.

Tax is going down. I don't believe it.

Dating causes pimples?

This is going to put my pop

n' glow stock through the roof.

And two reporters

from Erie win the lottery.

And they're buying up the newspaper.

She bet.

Thanks, Dad.

Sometimes I think we're overrun with news.

Live, up to the minute, light

breaking, it's become an obsession.

Media mogul vows to stay

on space station indefinitely.

He's got in hearing technology's walkie.

Pretty long string.

If you ask me, Emil

Conrad had the wrong idea.

If he really wanted to sell newspapers,

he didn't have to make up the news.

He could have just reported

the weirdness that's already here.