Well, I'm going up,
up on Magic Mountain
Well, I'm going so high,
we're gonna touch the sky
Drink a little water,
up on Magic Mountain
Peace and love, love, love,
for you and I
Okay, so I'm just gonna
walk you through
the basic vision of the story,
and you guys feel free
to chime in
whenever you want, okay?
So, what I'm trying to do
is create
a metaphorical conversation
between George Orwell
and Jack Kerouac,
as if Down and Out
in Paris and London
was typed out
on one long piece of paper.
Snappy. Splenetic.
High velocity.
At its core,
it's a building's Roman,
but not in the sad Salinger,
smoking, woman-hating way.
It's hopeful.
And I know
I put it on my application,
but in terms of timeline,
I'd want to have
the first draft done by July.
Then submit for notes
from this esteemed troika,
do a quick polish,
and hopefully spend
the rest of my summer
in a state of "boketto."
That's what the Japanese say
when you gaze out
in the distance
without thinking
about anything in particular.
All right.
Very impressive, Anthony.
You know what? Only my mother
calls me Anthony.
Tony.
Okay, then. Tony.
You'll be hearing
from us soon.
And then they just sat
there and stared at me.
I'm telling you,
these people are
so f*cking stupid it's insane.
I said I was gonna write
the whole thing
on one piece of paper,
and they believed me.
They were...
They were just nodding,
like I was explaining
the rules of a brothel.
EI already found
this Upper West Side place,
right where Salinger grew up.
It's f*cking perfect.
Just gotta tell my parents
that the fellowship
takes place in New York,
and I'm outta here.
Okay,
but you gotta write a book?
Yeah, but that's what I've
been trying to do all year.
I swear, it's like God is
finally starting to notice me.
Word for that is "providence."
The word... The word for what?
It's when God fi...
It's when God finally
pays attention to you.
That...
That sounds kind of scary.
Yeah, that's scary.
I had the biggest crush
on that girl in high school.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's older.
Uh, Nancy... something.
Tony, she's not approachable.
Tony.
I mean, we're in...
then we like shacked up again
for a while
but I truly...
I can't remember.
Excuse me,
I need to speak with you.
Why don't you
get the f*ck out of here?
Is this woman bothering you?
She's my cousin.
Oh, hey.
Uh, I went to Dwight-Englewood
with your cousin, Nancy.
Didn't you punch a hole
in the principal's door?
You know, a lot's changed
since high school.
I'm a writer now.
Oh.
What's funny?
What's in your pants?
Oh, that's my d*ck.
Truth is, I'm actually getting
this huge writing fellowship.
I'm dropping out
and moving to New York.
Sorry, did you say
you're a writer or a liar?
- Very funny.
- Answer the question.
Come with me
and see for yourself.
You know, I would,
but we're spending
the summer in Cape Cod, so...
To be honest,
I don't know if this woman
has your best interests
at heart.
And you do?
Enough that I think you
deserve a proper valediction.
- Goodbye, young lady.
- I'm older than you.
Goodbye, old lady. Off to...
Provincetown.
Do you know the meaning
of the word "providence"?
Last call!
Boo!
All right, let's get
the f*ck out of here.
- When do you leave?
- Right now.
Well, I hope
the insouciant look on my face
is conveying how crushed I am.
So, tell you what,
come find me in September,
and you can tell me
what all those big words mean.
If I were to walk
To the Museum of Fine Arts
in Boston
Well, first I'd go
to the room
Where they keep
the Czanne
But if I had by my side
a girlfriend
Then I could look through
the paintings
I could look
right through them
Dad!
Hey!
- College boy!
-All right.
All right.
Grades okay?
- Yeah.
-Yeah?
Yeah, I'm actually up
for this fellowship thing.
Fellowship?
It's basically...
No, wait, wait, wait.
Don't... Don't tell me now.
Let's wait till
we're with your mother.
She's not gonna care.
Absolutely, she's gonna care.
Are you kidding?
She's your mother.
So, I was telling Dad
on the way back that...
Vassar gives out
this fellowship every summer
to develop a piece
of professional writing.
And, yeah,
so I applied with a novel.
- A novel?
- Mm-hm.
You're gonna write a novel?
Pierre.
Well, yeah. I did an interview
and I told them
what I wanted to do.
And, yeah, I think I got it.
Oh!
All right! Attaboy, Tony!
What do you mean,
you think you got it?
Well, it was heavily implied.
But they said they were
gonna reach out right away.
There it is!
They... They will not say that
if they're not serious.
How much money do you get?
I don't know, actually.
But whatever it is,
it's supposed to support me
while I write.
What's it about?
Yeah, what's the...
What's the story?
Crime? Or romance?
No, no.
It's more of like, uh...
Well, it's really just an idea
for an idea right now.
Uh...
But it's a building's
Roman story.
Oh.
"Building's Roman"?
Yeah,
that means coming-of-age.
No,
I know what it means.
It's one word.
It's a German loanword.
"Bildungsroman."
You know, like, um,
"kindergarten."
- Yeah, I know.
- Okay.
I just hope you didn't put
that on your application.
Did you move my Oistrakh?
If it was in the pile
on the floor,
- it's in the trash.
-What?
Yeah, I thought
it was garbage.
You leave a pile of records
on the living room floor,
- what am I supposed to--
-They're rare records.
They're not even mine yet.
Then don't leave them
on the floor.
I was not done with them.
I was still checking them.
I had to go get Tony.
You're gonna blame
Anthony for you being a slob.
I'm not blaming him.
-Phone, Christopher.
- I'm not blaming anybody.
I'm just asking you to please
not throw away my records.
- Christopher, please!
- Hello?
Tony.
Jesus. Okay.
Hello?
Anthony,
this is Professor Dobson
from the Gingrich
Fellowship Committee.
- How are you?
- Hi. Good. How are you?
The committee
has made our decision,
and unfortunately,
we've decided
to go with another student.
Who is it?
Um...
Okay, great.
I'm saying you are
not receiving the fellowship.
Terrific.
Thank you very much.
Right.
Hey.
You seen a pile of records?
No.
When you put something
somewhere,
you expect it's gonna be there
when you come back.
That's all I'm saying.
Who was that?
I, uh, got the fellowship.
Yeah, you told us already.
-Tony?
- Don't come in!
Dad wants to know if
you want to go for ice cream.
No, I'm okay.
Okay.
Good job getting the prize.
Thanks.
I was under
the Calvary Cross
The pale-faced lady,
she said to me
I've watched you
with my one green eye
I'll hurt you
till you need me
You scuff your heels
and you spit on your shoes
You do nothing with reason
One day you catch a train
Never leaves the station
Everything you do
Everything you do
You do for me
Now you can make believe
on your tin whistle
Ah, and you can be
my broom boy
Scrub me till
I shine in the dark
I'll be your light
till doomsday
Oh, it's a black cat
cross your path
And why don't you follow?
Hey, darlin'.
You want some whiskey? Yeah?
There you go.
Two bucks.
Thank you.
Mary stands on the snake
in the window...
near my house.
Uh, you done with these?
I ate these in France
when I was a kid.
- When you were a kid?
-Yeah.
- Right out of the ocean.
- Okay.
My mom thought
they were gross,
so I was, like,
"I'll eat these."
And...
I said, "They taste like...
the future."
Okay.
So...
do you want to have a drink
with me?
Uh... I can't. No.
Yeah, no.
Uh...
Can I have another drink?
Yeah.
I'll be right back with that.
I'm a writer.
Okay.
And I have money.
I'm gonna be right back
with that beer, all right?
Awesome.
I've got money.
Sal!
Psst. Hey.
Time to go home.
Who the f*ck are you?
Please pay your bill,
and I will welcome you
another day.
All right?
But if we have another issue,
lifetime ban.
Ten dollars.
What kind of f*cking rip-off
is that?
Well, that's the price
for being rude to the lady.
But the food is for free.
Did she...
No, that's my friend.
-Yeah, okay.
- Mary.
- All right, let's go.
-Wait.
Don't f*cking touch me.
- Come on.
- Get the f*ck off of me!
f*ck you! Hey.
Sorry, guys.
Hey!
f*ck you. f*cking piece of...
f*ck off.
Hey, he's still here?
Yeah.
Yeah, I think he got robbed.
Hey. Hey! Where do you live?
New Jersey.
New Jersey.
Come on. Come on.
Rosalie
I've been waiting
all evening
Possibly years,
I don't know
Counting the passing hours
Everything merges
with the night
f*ck!
I stand on the beach
Giving out descriptions
Different for everyone
I see
Anthony?
Hey.
What...
What are you doing here?
I told you I was going to
Provincetown for the summer.
What are you talking about?
When did you tell me that?
Are you f*cking with me?
I...
Okay, look. Honestly...
I was so wasted that night,
I don't remember
anything I said.
If I was rude to you,
if I acted like a jerk--
No, no.
So wait, you actually didn't
know I was gonna be here?
No. No, not at all.
I just won
this writing fellowship.
They told me I needed to come
to Provincetown for it.
And... Yeah, I literally
just got here, so...
I don't know what the f*ck's
going on.
And you don't think
this is like...
a crazy coincidence?
What... what does
Carl Jung call it?
You read Carl Jung?
Yes.
When's your birthday?
Uh... June 25th.
You're a Cancer.
I'm a what?
Anthony,
what happened to your eye?
Oh, this is a...
You know,
everyone calls me Tony.
Well,
if you finish your homework,
we're having a party tonight.
Nancy!
Big white house
at the end of Commercial.
If you can't tell,
I'm winking.
Yesterday, any way
you made it was just fine
So you turned your days
into night-time
Hey.
Hey. Man, I'm so sorry.
Can you...
Oh, thanks. Thank you so much.
I'm so...
Hey! I'm so sorry.
About... yesterday. Uh...
-It's okay.
- Uh...
Could I...
stay on that hammock
for a few more days?
Do you have money?
Piece of sh*t.
Three catch fries,
six Beach Plum
and six Wellfleet!
Two rolls. One hot,
one cold. Hold celery.
Yeah.
f*cking piece
of sh*t. Goddammit.
f*ck!
f*cking goddammit!
Here you go, man.
Thank you.
Three rolls. Two Beach Plum.
Six Wellfleet.
- Six Wellfleet coming up.
- Oh, f*ck.
Can I get
two more plates, please?
Nice eye, f*gg*t.
Yeah. Catch and fry.
- Two of them.
-Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hold celery, I told you, man.
- Hold celery. f*ck me, Chef.
-Come on!
Coming through.
Six and six!
Hey, get out
of my f*cking way.
Rolls!
Yep, we see 'em,
you fat f*ck.
Suck my d*ck, as*h*le.
Suck your d*ck?
Okay, how about this?
You show me where it is under
all that, and I'll do it.
You got that sh*t sealed away.
Yeah, like your statutory r*pe
charge, you piece of sh*t.
I told you,
there's a different
age of consent in every state.
And you got 'em all memorized.
Hi, Mary!
sh*t. Sorry.
Hi, Mary!
Hey, Stav?
Hey. This is filthy!
Come on, man!
Sorry.
One roll, hot. One catch fry.
Two sets, full.
You know, I can cook, too.
Excuse me?
Kid says he's a cook, Chef.
Yeah, wonderful.
I'm not a cook. I'm a writer.
I said I could cook.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't understand that.
Shut the f*ck up.
My Dad's like one of the best
chefs in New Jersey.
Oh? Your dad?
Why didn't you say so?
Whatever.
You know what?
I'm sorry, brother.
You're a cook.
Help me plate these.
You'd be helping me out.
I'm behind.
- Please.
- All right.
f*ck, dude! Jesus!
Hey! Nicely done.
Nice job, rookie!
You kidding me?
Any f*cking burn cream
or something?
Burn cream?
Got three chowder.
One lobster, cold. Dozen Dux.
I'd be quick about it
if I were you.
Twelve Wellfleet!
Yep.
Nice batch, Chef.
Yeah, thanks, Chef.
Well, thank you
very much. Very nice.
Which number is this?
I'm paying the man
a genuine compliment.
Why you being so nice?
I'm not buying into that.
I'm enjoying everything.
It's delicious.
I'd tell you if it sucked.
- I'm good.
- No, you f*cking wouldn't.
-What's in here?
- Come on, guys.
- Thanks, Chef.
-Thank you, Chef.
You are very welcome, my dear.
Hey.
Is your hand okay?
- Uh, yeah, it's fine.
-Yeah.
You work in a kitchen before?
- Yeah.
- Right.
So you have
the safety training?
Fire? Everything?
Yeah, this was
just a stupid mistake.
-All right.
- I know what I'm doing.
Okay. Good.
Well, we're open
Wednesday to Sunday.
Start 11:00 a.m.
That means that you are here
at 10:45.
11:00 is late.
Anyone late is fired, okay?
Okay.
Right.
Take this.
I can't stay.
I'm going to a party.
Party? What party?
Just a girl from school.
Yeah? She got friends?
Probably.
You trying to f*ck her?
I guess.
'Cause you can't go alone.
You go alone, you'll look like
a creepy, lone r*pist.
What?
That's true.
Chef?
Taking these.
- Sure.
- Let's go.
10:45!
Yeah.
If anybody asks,
I'm here on
a writing fellowship
- from Vassar College, okay?
-Got it.
And I don't work in a kitchen.
Neither do you.
You're a grad student.
Right? You know what that is?
Uh, yeah. I said I got it.
All right.
And, oh, but you can't say
you're from Vassar,
because everyone else here
would know who you are.
You gotta say you're from
a different school, all right?
f*ck, this girl
must have two pussies.
Hey. Who are you?
f*ck off.
How you doin'?
Are you someone's dad?
Why?
You looking for a new one?
No, I'm just here
with my buddy, uh...
Tony.
Is, uh, Nancy here?
Oh. You're the pizza guy
with the big d*ck.
No, he doesn't work
in a kitchen. He's a writer.
- Sal.
- Vicki.
You guys wanna learn
how to shuck an oyster?
Sure.
Okay.
We gotta be careful with these
'cause they're a real
aphrodisiac.
Yes. It's true.
Yeah, you can pass that back.
You don't want it? Really?
You want?
No. Because
I'm already so far gone.
Really? Okay, well.
Yeah, makes sense.
Hey, you girls want to learn
how to shuck an oyster?
What?
They're aphrodisiacs.
An oyster...
Do you like oysters?
We brought, uh...
Me and my mentor over there,
we got, uh...
They're aphrodisiacs.
So is this.
You f*cking liar.
Rob...
Steph Johansen
got that fellowship.
Our parents
go to the same church.
Yeah, I know Steph.
We're, uh... We both got it.
It's one guy, one girl.
Okay,
then why isn't she here?
If this is
where the teachers are,
or whatever bullshit
you told Nancy.
Maybe Provincetown
is just for the men.
You can say that again.
These girls harassing you,
Ton?
No. I'm good.
Okay, good.
'Cause we got a future
world-famous writer here.
Don't corrupt him.
This is Nancy.
Oh. Yeah.
I see it. Could be fun.
Who the f*ck are you?
I'm this knucklehead's writer
mentor for the summer.
And you're a professor?
Grad student. Harvard.
Don't get him too f*cked up,
all right?
- Mm-hm.
- Hey.
I'm confiscating this.
Trade ya.
"Do you know the origin
of the word, 'providence'?"
She decided she hates men
all of a sudden.
She's reading Germaine Greer.
- All right, you wanna do this?
- Yeah.
Come here.
Let's see.
Usually... Oh, f*ck.
Uh...
Not that.
All right, here you guys go.
You know, I'll...
I'll be right back.
Let me know
if you figure that out.
- Okay.
- Thanks for coming.
- Hi!
-Hi, what's up?
- How are you?
- How are you?
- I'm good. You?
-No, I'm sorry!
- No, it's okay.
-I'm sorry.
All right.
I'm outta here. How'd you do?
Oh!
Hey. Dude!
f*ck off.
What the f*ck are you doing?
f*cking idiot!
Nice one, dickhead.
Here.
It'll get the taste out.
Dude, I'm so f*cked.
No, I'm good.
Hey, what the f*ck?
You owe me!
Does it look like I'm trying
to f*cking hide this from you?
Like you would've given
if any... f*ck, dude!
Oh, that's f*cking disgusting.
Oh, f*ck! Yes!
f*ck yes, dude.
Thank you.
Jesus f*cking Christ.
Hey! Enough!
Sorry. Sorry.
Jesus is awesome, Chef.
Six and six!
He's throwin' some
spices and sh*t in there.
You got it?
You f*cking moron.
This is good.
Why you gotta do that?
Why you gotta slurp
and groan when you eat?
Maybe you should stop
being such a f*cking prick
- and just enjoy things.
-f*ck off.
Tyrone, you coming out?
-Larry? Larry's coming.
- Hey, Larry's not coming?
What? Why can't he come?
Told y'all already.
Larry's not coming.
- Look how upset he gets.
-He's coming.
- Come on, Larry.
-He's not.
He's too cute to
leave him cooped up in here.
- Drop it.
-We need him.
- We can use him as bait.
- Use him as bait?
-We don't need--
- We used to use you.
You've gone to sh*t.
I'm sorry if it's f*cking
impossible for me
to get you some f*cking p*ssy.
- I'm sorry.
- It's your demeanor
that's a f*cking problem.
-My demeanor?
- I'm pleasant to be around.
You know what you look like?
That.
- When you sit, that's you.
- Powerful?
- What?
-I look great.
And by the way,
this is what 15 years
- in the kitchen does to you.
-I think you always
looked like two thumbs.
No.
Two beautiful thumbs.
Two beautiful thumbs up.
Two beautiful thumbs up,
you f*ck.
What the f*ck?
Whoa! Whoa!
- This is a good batch!
-Whoa.
Hey, Chef, you see that?
Why?
Why?
Six rolls! All hot!
f*ck. Okay.
Six and six and six!
I'm out of trays, Chef.
Flaco!
Flaco, wake up!
Trays, right now!
- Yeah.
- You can tell him that
yourself, you know?
He's right in front of you!
All right! I got it!
Two catch and rings!
One chow!
Tray.
-Yo!
- f*ck.
Jesus f*cking Christ.
f*ck, sorry.
Hey, Sal.
What?
-Rolls!
- Give me some of that.
Oh, here.
Three catch and fry!
Six Wellfleet!
He takes it so f*cking
seriously with his f*cking...
"Six Wellfleet!
Two pour! Vamos!"
They only serve four f*cking
things on the menu.
One of them's
f*cking French fries.
Why you gotta act like
you're taking bids
at an auction?
So, what is his name?
No clue.
Is he Spanish or Mexican?
Or Portuguese?
Whatever he is, you know
he got his a*s f*cking beat
when he was a kid
if he was late.
You watch him when anything
is late, even for a minute.
- What?
-We couldn't get away.
The line was crazy outside.
Drinks on me. Drinks on me.
All right, come on.
Let's get the f*ck
out of here.
Gerry, put this on my tab,
all right?
Tony?
What... Hey!
Hey!
Sal! Out!
- Get the f*ck out!
- Come on, Gerry!
- Come on, Gerry!
-You punk!
- Get out of my bar...
- Come on! Come on!
...you as*h*le! f*ck you!
- f*ck you, b*tch!
-as*h*le!
Come on!
It's a f*cking potato.
Just pick one.
All right. Sure.
f*ck'... f*ck, come on!
I'm trying.
- I'm... I'm working.
-I am so f*cking sorry.
I... None of that was my--
I don't care! All right, Tony?
You need to grow the f*ck up.
Nancy, I'm sorry.
This is impossible.
The World Series last year
really was...
I was f*cking bombing.
The f*ck?
You know why Chef calls you
"Flaco," right?
You know what "Flaco"
means in Portuguese?
It's that seam
between your nuts.
You know, in the middle?
That thin little line?
-Hit me, you f*ck.
- f*ck out of here!
Come on, what do you got?
What the f*ck?
Stop, you c*ck!
It is a nice nickname,
"Flaco," though,
you got to admit.
In Spanish, it means "little
clown that does my dishes."
I know that.
You guys want to see
what it looks like
when Tony plays
with his little d*ck?
sh*t.
Whose car is this?
Nicely done, little buddy.
Man, watch out! Watch out!
Suck my d*ck!
So,
I don't mean to bother you
but my kid brother locked
the keys in the car, and...
Well, would you mind if we
watched the movie with you?
Hey.
Compliments of the kitchen.
Come on!
What'd I miss?
There's maybe like, uh, maybe
a Catalonian dialect,
where it's "acrobat that jumps
from a*s to a*s."
It's pretty weird.
That's why your mom
called me "Flaco."
- What?
- She called me "Flaco"
when I f*cked her.
What the f*ck did you say?
Who the f*ck--
- Hey, hey, hey!
-Lying prick!
You f*ck...
I'll f*cking k*ll you!
Oh!
Oh! sh*t.
What f*cking time is it?
It's time for church.
I'm not going
to f*cking church.
As long as you live here,
you are going to church.
I don't believe in God.
You don't believe in God?
No.
That's like saying
you don't believe in air.
But you're still breathing, right?
Come on.
Hey, hey, what are you doing?
- Taking my jacket off.
- No, no, put it back.
f*ck.
Manny?
Oh.
Hey.
What the f*ck?
How you doing?
Thought you escaped
to New York.
Just here temporary.
What're you doing?
f*ck.
This guy's a f*cking legend.
He used to work on my station.
Hey, uh, you holding?
You got any money?
Yeah, I got f*cking money.
You want in?
I don't got any cash.
It's all right. I got you.
All right, come on.
Yes!
All right.
Appreciate it, bud.
Yeah. Good.
Good to see you.
Get out of here.
Hello?
Hi, Dad.
Tony. Jesus Christ!
Tony, are you all right?
Where the hell have you been?
We've been worried sick!
Are you okay?
Are you all right?
Yeah.
Okay, good.
Where... Where are you?
Are you...
Are you in the city?
I'll come right now.
You want me to come right now?
I'm gonna leave right now.
I'll come get you.
-Who is that?
-It's Tony. He's okay.
What?
Oh, my God! Anthony!
No, no, no. It's okay.
Relax. He's all right.
But, Anthony,
get on the next bus
and come home right now,
please, son.
Stop! Stop, stop,
stop yelling at him.
- I got him on the phone.
-What do you mean,
"Stop yelling at him"?
I wanna talk to him.
Because you're gonna
scare him! Tony, just--
Psst!
Flaco, come here.
Come here, please.
Let me teach you this.
So, watch.
You keep this towel
between your hand
and the blade, all right?
There. So, we go in like this.
Yep.
Then, cut the mussel,
and then the shell
will come out,
and then, you cut
the outside of the mussel,
and that's it.
So, six Wellfleet.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sorry, Chef. I f*cked up.
I thought it was Monday.
It won't happen again, okay?
I swear.
Tony, thanks for covering,
all right?
Hey, no, stay there.
I need six Wellfleet.
Yeah, yeah, no, I got it.
I got it.
No, I got my shucker
for tonight.
What I really need
is a good dishwasher.
Look,
I said I was sorry, all right?
What? You wanna f*ck up
your whole service?
No, you're late.
You should be fired, you know?
I am giving you
a chance to stay.
That's a gift.
That's my gift to you!
Okay, come... Tony, come on.
- What do you want me to do?
-No, six Wellfleet.
I want you to wash
the f*cking dishes, all right?
No, don't blame him
for your mistakes!
Tony,
get the f*ck out of here!
- I'm not f*cking blaming him!
-Yes.
Tony, I swear I...
Don't f*ck with me!
- Hey! Okay--
-Whoa!
All right, come on.
Come on. Come on.
Come on,
what are you waiting for?
What are you f*cking...
- What are you waiting for?
-Sal! Chill!
Come on! Shut the f*ck up!
Come on!
I know you f*cking want to!
Come on! Come on!
But I like you.
You're the sin-eater.
Hey!
Four fry, uh, two chows,
and twelve beach plums.
I got scared, honestly,
for a second.
"Are we gonna lose Chef?"
"Is this f*cking lunatic
gonna stab him
"through the f*cking heart?"
Dumbass.
I would've had his back,
obviously, the f*cking--
My blood is drawn.
I'm gonna f*ck the kid up.
But I'm glad it didn't
have to come to that.
I didn't want
to k*ll a man today.
You know I have it in me.
You know if push comes
to shove, I could take a life.
I can't with you.
I can! I'm powerful.
I... I seem, you know...
It's kind of camouflaged.
Thanks.
Peace offering.
You're banned.
What if I admit I'm here for
completely selfish reasons?
I need a photo
for the back of my book.
Of what?
Of me.
I don't think
that's a good idea.
Why?
Actually, it depends.
Is it titled
I Am Ugly: An Idiot's Journey?
My editor actually just
shortened it to The Idiot.
It's taken.
Yeah, I've been having
that problem a lot lately.
I want you to take
my photo because...
I like the way I feel
when you look at me.
f*ck me.
I thought
we were closed Monday.
Wash these.
Can't we just throw them out?
No.
- Sorry.
-What was that, man?
Sorry.
Okay.
Here you go.
Salt. From seawater.
Fill these.
What's this?
It's for you.
-Yeah, stop there.
- Did you take-- Okay.
It's okay...
It's okay if it's blurry.
That's like literally
how you see time.
Uh, right, okay.
Who doesn't trust
a guy with a cool car?
But it's not your car.
Yeah! That's good.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh, f*ck.
- That was great.
- I have more.
- That was good.
Okay, light another one.
So, how's your book?
Yeah, it's uh... It's good.
Just, uh, every day
is pretty much the same.
Wake up in the morning...
without an alarm clock,
make a cup of coffee,
and I immediately sit down
at the typewriter.
I try to write as much
as I can, until my hands hurt.
Which is usually
around lunch time.
Then I walk
to this little restaurant
where they make
this squid stew,
that I've become
completely addicted to.
After lunch,
I take a walk along the beach
by myself
to collect my thoughts.
Try to figure out what I'm
gonna write that afternoon.
I try to imagine
interesting places
I'll probably never go.
People I'll probably
never meet.
Get some more.
And then I get home,
and just sit
at the typewriter.
So you don't
get out much?
No, barely leave
the house.
Believe it or not, I haven't
seen a sunset all summer.
But that's just the cost
of being a writer.
I'm alone all the time.
Don't really have any friends.
And every day's quiet.
So, what's
the book about?
How about this?
When it's done,
you can be the first
to read it.
Hey, Flaco!
- I need that now. Now!
- Yeah. Seconds away, Chef.
Mixed up!
What's that painting?
Oh. That's Franois Vatel.
You know?
He was preparing a banquet
for Louis XIV,
where everything was
going to be perfect.
He...
He had worked on the menu
for months.
He had the best kitchen staff
in France, and...
And, you know, imported
the wine from Italy.
But the fish he ordered
didn't arrive on time,
so he k*lled himself.
He k*lled himself?
Yep.
Why?
The fish he ordered...
didn't arrive on time.
Yeah, I got that, but... why?
Vmonos!
It's just photos
for a book.
It's not f*cking
just photos,
and you f*cking know that.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Sorry.
f*cking good luck.
Holy sh*t.
Are you left-handed?
Yeah.
You know, using your left hand
is a sign of the devil.
- Mm-hm?
- No, I'm serious.
It's where "sinister"
comes from.
"Dextral" is the right side.
"Sinistral" is
the devil's side.
It's what
"ambidextrous" means.
"Two right hands."
Taking a Latin class or...
No, it's actually just my mom.
She's always saying
that kind of sh*t.
Pretty annoying, actually.
So why do you do it?
Um...
I don't know.
Sorry. I didn't know
you were...
Hey, no, no, no. Just...
It's fine. Come in.
Here you go. Here you go.
Smells worse than the stew.
Malrt. Swedish wormwood.
I guess I'll get used
to this too?
No.
f*ck!
Jesus f*cking Christ!
f*ck you!
Well, yeah,
I deserve that.
I deserve that, actually.
Yeah.
You're like
a pretty serious chef.
Well, yeah.
I graduated the CIA
in New York.
You're in the CIA?
I graduated the CIA.
I told you.
The people
that k*lled Kennedy?
Culinary Institute of America.
Oh. Right.
That's a pretty good school?
The best.
They should really change
the name.
I don't think so.
Then you just... came here?
Well, no, no.
I worked
in many places before.
Yeah.
France, Spain, London.
Michelin stars. Line up out...
out the door.
And, yeah, I don't know.
I wanted to have my own place.
My own lineup of people, yeah.
So I took a loan and then...
got the place, and then...
and that's it. Yep.
Stripers!
Vmonos!
Come on!
Hey!
Ow!
Yeah! Come here, Flaco!
Where are we going?
Hey, Flaco! Come on!
Here you go! All right!
Hey! Careful.
Careful. Careful.
This is gonna get
a little bit nautical.
What is this?
Striper run.
Once in a blue moon.
One good catch can last
the whole season.
What is it?
Just throw little pieces,
like that.
Yeah. Little bit of bait.
- More, more, more!
- This is insane!
Pull in the line! Hard!
Okay.
Yeah, go! Yeah, yeah.
Horse mackerel!
Hey!
Come here. Come here.
Here you go.
What the f*ck is that?
That's a tuna.
You brought a g*n?
Holy sh*t!
Yep.
- Sea of life.
-Jeez!
Here you go, sir. Enjoy.
All right. Okay.
Always... eat last.
Here's for you.
Thanks.
Looks a little burnt.
Black doesn't mean burnt.
It's extraordinary.
Oh, my God!
Don't do that.
Why do you do that?
How the f*ck else
do you want me to say it?
Well, you can say, you know,
"Thank God for Your work."
Something like that.
What'd you mean when
you called Sal a "sin-eater"?
It's an old tradition,
you know?
Where you place food
on the body of the dead
and the sin-eater eats it,
absorbing all their sins,
so they can pass into heaven.
They take all...
all the darkness
so the rest of us
can be in the light.
Yeah.
Wow. Lot of people showed up.
Yeah.
You know what? This is how...
it used to be.
People just came out
to the beach...
and I would pull out
Howard Mitcham's book.
Page 58. Clambake.
Clambake?
Yeah. We'd wrap everything
in bundles,
and cook it
right on the beach, you know?
In steel garbage cans.
The whole town used to show up
for that.
They don't do that anymore?
No. Not anymore, no.
Got too busy for that.
Speaking of which,
I have to portion this.
- I got it.
-No, no.
Yeah, I got it.
Are you sure?
Relax.
sh*t.
Six ounces!
Yeah, f*ck off!
What are you doing?
Nothing. What...
What are you doing here?
Well, we heard
a f*cking g*n go off,
and then watched you
and a bunch of fishermen
have a bonfire.
Do you work here?
All right.
If I tell you the truth,
you have to promise
to not tell anyone, okay?
- Okay.
- Um...
So... I'm writing a book
about a chef,
and I took a job here,
so I could spy on the guy
that runs this place.
- You're spying?
- You don't understand.
This guy,
he's like a master chef.
He's idiosyncratic.
He has an accent.
He has, like, no friends.
And, yeah, I came in here
for a drink one night,
and I saw him, and I was like,
"Oh, my God. I have to write
a book about this guy."
So do you, like, cook things?
Yeah, yeah. Uh, yes. I cook.
Like what?
Like... all sorts
of fancy stuff.
Fancy stuff?
Yeah.
I've eaten here.
It's fast food.
Come to dinner.
When?
Friday.
And order the special.
Okay.
But remember, if anybody asks,
I'm not a writer.
I work in a kitchen.
See you Friday.
f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.
f*ck.
f*ck!
Hey! So I figured out
how we can get
a line of people out the door.
Wow.
You did all this?
First, the restaurant needs
a sign.
"The Flagship.
Everything Cooked
From Scratch!"
See, we have the knife
to sort of, you know,
incorporate
the restaurant theme.
And then,
see how the lettering
is sort of wooden?
It's like the wood.
Yeah, I don't know about this,
you know?
- Why not?
- Uh...
It's so arrogant,
you know? The sign, and...
f*ck the sign. What we should
start with is a special.
Something we do every Friday.
Really fancy. You can charge
a lot of money for it.
We use local ingredients.
Looks good on the plate.
Something sexy, makes you
wanna f*ck, you know?
Something that
people are gonna come,
they're gonna spend money on,
they're gonna tell
their families about...
Something only you can do.
Right?
Something...
like this.
All right.
Wow.
What?
You know,
I am too old for this.
How old are you? Like 40?
Forty-five? You're fine, dude.
Come on. Let's go get the sh*t
for this f*cking
Lobster Thermidor.
Dude, come on!
I'm f*cking serious!
- Okay.
- Come on!
So we are adding...
a special tonight.
It's the Lobster Thermidor.
You know?
It's a browned lobster,
cooked in egg yolk and brandy,
served in the shell, hot,
for ten dollars.
Okay?
Come on!
Flaco and I will prepare it.
And I will need lobsters
from you.
Just enough to split them.
Let's go to work! Come on!
All right,
let's go to work.
Mixed, up!
All right.
So, one of you here, ladies.
Look out.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Can I get the special?
She needs to be different.
It's very important to her.
Thank you.
Four top on seven!
Guys, one Thermidor.
Three catch.
Let's go. Flaco , come on.
Come here.
This pan.
Butter.
A little bit.
A little bit more.
Okay. Here you go.
It will give consistence
to this guy, you know?
-Guys!
- Yeah.
Okay. Okay. f*ck. Okay.
Hey, Stavros, come here.
Add a little bit of brandy.
Yeah, just
a tiny little bit more.
12 f*cking oysters,
four hot rolls.
Just keep going like that?
-Guys, come on!
- Yeah, just like...
Who's doing
the f*cking oysters?
Two chowders.
Two whole-- Two chowders and--
f*ck!
Here you go.
Exactly. Yeah.
Get the claw.
Put all of the meat
over there.
We spoon them,
back in the cavities, and...
Cheese, and to the oven.
Ah, f*ck,
twelve f*cking oysters,
four hot rolls.
Hey, come on. Come on.
Moving on! Moving on! Come on.
Okay.
Two hot chow!
m*therf*cker!
-I got it.
-Rolls.
Taste it.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
- Hey! Tch! No!
- Sorry.
Yeah. Come on.
I'll be with you,
one second.
Okay!
Three Thermidors, side Dux,
and mixed board!
Flaco, go!
Pans! Working! Come on!
Coming in, Chef.
And one hot, two cold!
- All right, they're going.
- Flaco , let's go! Come on!
They're going.
No, there. No, no, no.
Go, go, go!
You heard him.
Hurry the f*ck up! f*ck!
All right, okay.
Rolls!
- f*ck.
- sh*t!
We have to re-do
the whole thing. Don't worry.
-I'm trying!
-Just go over there.
I'll take care of this.
I'll take care of it.
No, I'll take care of it.
You just do another one.
-Hello?
-What the f*ck?
No, no, no, no! Wait!
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
I got this. I got this.
I got this. I got this.
sh*t. f*ck!
sh*t!
- What the f*ck is this?
- I got it. I got it. I got it.
sh*t, sh*t!
No, no, no! sh*t!
f*ck!
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
Excuse me, friends.
We have a situation
here in the kitchen.
Just a little fire.
Totally under control,
but I have to ask you
to just leave the building.
Thank you.
Flaco, let's go.
Let's go! Come on.
Vamos! Vamos! Vamos!
No. Please, please, please.
Come on, guys. Yes.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah. I just got smoke
in my eyes.
What happened?
It's nothing. It's uh...
It's not as bad as it looks.
It's some oil in the back.
It's fine.
Let me show you exactly.
Back up, back up.
- Please, please.
- No, no.
You don't know
exactly where it is.
Does he need your help?
No.
Do you wanna get out of here?
Okay.
Okay, okay, one sec, one sec.
Come in.
What?
I'm not writing a book.
I'm working
at that guy's restaurant
so I can sleep on his hammock.
And the reason I need
to do that is because...
I didn't get that fellowship.
I only came here to see you.
I f*cking knew it.
Nancy, look, it's...
Hey.
I'm really sorry.
You've never worked anywhere,
did you?
No.
But I believed you.
That's the problem, you know?
I believed.
I believed everything
that you said to me.
I was going to offer you
a job tonight.
I was going to make you
my full-time guy, you know?
Show you how to run the place.
- Hold on.
- I thought I was so lucky
that I finally met someone
I could trust.
That's how stupid I am.
You think I wanted a job?
I'm going back
to college in September.
I'm a writer.
A writer?
I've never seen you
write anything.
Yeah, that's because I've been
working for you all summer
so I could stay at your house.
What do you think, I want
to work in a f*cking kitchen
for the rest of my life?
You know...
You could be anything
you want to be.
- But you know what you are?
- What?
Nothing.
Hello?
You're clear.
Maybe this is a bad idea.
Relax.
Ton, there's no one here.
Where is it?
I don't know.
Come on, he owes us.
You worked
the whole f*ck' summer
for free, right?
It's in the jar.
f*ck. He must've skipped town.
- All right, let's go.
- What?
You wanna get to New York
or not?
Come on, maybe he's got
something here we can sell.
He's just got a bunch
of f*cking books.
f*cking knew
this guy was full of sh*t.
Acting all high and mighty
when he lives in this dump.
I got an idea.
A what?
You wanna make some money?
We're having a clambake!
Friday night. 5 p.m.
Clambake on the beach, ladies.
5 p.m.
Clams, lobsters.
Hey, we're having a clambake,
Friday night, on the beach.
Howard Mitcham clambake!
Just like the old...
Clambake.
Potatoes.
Friday night.
- We're--
- It's for charity, everybody!
Let's save The Flagship!
Let's save The Flagship,
ladies. Come on.
There you go. There you go.
Let's save The Flagship.
It's for charity. Let's repair
the damage of the fire.
- Should we be saying that?
- Who gives a f*ck?
Let's repair the damage
of the fire, all right?
Let's save The Flagship.
All right.
Five dollars a plate.
Clambake for charity!
Gentlemen, we're having
a clambake for charity,
Friday night.
Hey, we're having a clambake
for charity...
...flyin' across the ocean
And I'm soaring
Back home to the place
I was born...
After you.
And I'm flyin'
Across the mountains
and valleys
Back home to the one
that I love so happily
sh*t.
Can you blame me
for feelin' homesick?
'Cause I've been away
such a very long, long time
This is f*cking garbage.
How many of these
we gotta dig?
-Four.
- f*ck that.
Oh!
You better not set us
on f*cking fire this time,
that's all I gotta say.
Has he gotten even fatter?
Oh-h-h! I did not
expect to see you here.
I already dug my hole.
How you doin'?
You all right?
You ever heard
of an umbrella?
f*cking hot as sh*t out here.
Oh, sh*t.
f*ck is he doing?
How'd you get Chef's
lobster connect, you prick?
On and on
This I will follow
You know I will follow
With your buttons
and your bows
On and on
All right, here we go!
Come on.
f*ck!
f*ck.
Yeah, could I have
a lobster, please?
Hey, forgot your lobster.
Thank you.
We appreciate you guys.
- I got it.
-Thanks.
- Thanks.
-All right.
Can I get two steamers?
- Thank you very much.
-Thank you.
Have a wonderful day.
No, that's fine.
Thank you for doing this.
All right,
two plates.
-Yeah.
-All right.
Yeah. Of course. Here you go.
Yeah.
Yeah, come on, man.
Thank you very much.
-Give me that.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sal.
What?
Oh, f*ck.
All right, everybody,
we're gonna take
a quick break!
Be back in ten minutes!
Grab the cash.
All right. I'm gonna
get beers. You want one?
Yeah. Ton? Ton?
So, I looked up
that word.
What?
"Providence..."
It means the protective
attention of God.
For your book.
So...
are you gonna come find me
in September or what?
Your corn is burning.
Black doesn't mean burnt.
You did all this?
All these people... Wow.
So, one chicken, one corn,
two potatoes and onion.
Thank you, Chef.
Um...
You know, I think, maybe,
Anthony is a better name.
You know.
I think... for a man. Yeah.
You sound like my mom.
Hah. Smart lady.
Hey, Chef!
It's good to see you, Chef.
I thought he was
paying rent with his mouth.
My friend.
Forget I said anything.
Forget it.
I take it all back.
Well, I'll be around Vassar,
either way.
Today was a great day.
Don't you think?
If you're fond of sand dunes
and salty air
More foil please.
sh*t's gonna peek through.
You're sure to fall in love
with old Cape Cod
Old Cape Cod,
that old Cape Cod
If you like the taste
of a lobster stew
Served by a window
with an ocean view
You're sure
You're sure to fall in love
with old Cape Cod
Winding roads
that seem to beckon you
Church bells chimin'
on a Sunday morn
Remind you of the town
where you were born
If you spend an evening,
you'll want to stay
Watching the moonlight
on Cape Cod Bay
You're sure to fall in love
with old Cape Cod
...you'll want to stay
Watching the moonlight
on Cape Cod Bay
...fall in love
with old Cape Cod
...fall in love
You're sure to...
So, it seems like...
your experience
is washing dishes
in a restaurant...
for one summer.
Yeah.
At least he's honest.
Sorry, what is your name?
Anthony Bourdain.
Take your brain,
it's time to go
You don't have long to go
Remember me, remember me
'Cause I'm the one
who made you see
Remember me
Hang your brain
up in the sky
Hang it up, hang it high
Remember me, remember me
'Cause I'm the one
who made you see
Remember me
Take your brain,
it's time to go
You don't have long to go
Remember me, remember me
'Cause I'm the one
who made you see
Remember me
Take your brain,
it's time to go
You don't have long,
you know
Remember me, remember me
'Cause I'm the one
who made you see
Remember me
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Tony (2026)
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