07x04 - Bye Bye Birthday/Tough Guise

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Crashing through the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls like Ping-Pong ba*ls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house, in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push, and shove ♪

♪ That's how we show our love ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house, in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

- ♪ Wouldn't trade it for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud, Loud, Loud ♪

♪ Loud house ♪

- Poo-poo.

[dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

- [sniffs]

Ah, it's summer break for the Louds.

That means three months of nonstop fun!

- [grunts]

- Whoo-hoo! - Whoo! Yeah!

- [chuckles]

- [sighs]

[Charles barks] [yelps]

[both cheer]

[groans]

It's summer break for the Louds.

That means three months of nonstop t*rture.

[gasps]

[gentle strumming]

[horn honking] [all gasp]

[adventurous music]

♪ ♪

- Rita? Whose RV is this?

- Ours! At least for the summer.

Earlier today, I was in Jesse's office

at the "Gazette."

- Here's the cover story, Linda:

"Travel writer does column about manure farms of Michigan.

"Editor Jesse Hiller furious!

"Nobody wants to read about cow doo-doo

over their morning coffee."

Well, I've just been handed this news update:

you're fired!

[growls]

- [clears throat]

- Oh, what am I gonna do, Rita?

Wanted: someone to write our summer travel column!

Someone willing to hit the road,

zigzagging the country in an RV.

All expenses paid.

Willing to start extra, extra soon!

- So does that mean... - [gasps]

- Yep, and she's letting me write the column!

What do you say?

You guys up for a summerlong adventure?

[all cheering]

- Finally, I'll escape this fourth rate town.

- [laughs]

They're leaving for the whole stinkin' summer!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- Aw, isn't that sweet? He's totes happy for us.

- Come on. Let's check out this RV.

[excited chatter]

- Mwah!

[all gasp]

- Sweet! - Wow!

- [panting]

- I call dibs on this crypt.

- Check out the sweet stereo system!

[rock music blaring]

This is gonna be a rockin' summer!

- What are you doing, Lis?

- Well, this run-of-the-mill recreational vehicle

requires some alterations

to make it suitable for our family of .

Therefore, Lana and I are assembling a list of upgrades

to make before our journey.

- Add "toilet" to the list.

[trills]

This thing's gonna need way more pullin' power!

- Okay, family, so here's our route.

Jesse's got a strict schedule of places for us to visit,

so we need to leave tomorrow morning.

First stop: Niagara Falls!

[excited chatter]

We'll be there for the annual barrel race.

Competitors go down the falls in wooden barrels.

- Oh!

- No, Lynn, you're not joining them.

- Aw, boo! Major foul!

[growls]

- Yep. "Replace side of seat."

- [screams]

- "And main water line."

- [gasps] Look!

We'll be going right by Dr. Weirdly's Bizzaritorium!

It's a roadside oddities museum!

I could tell you how super awesome it is,

but I'll let Dr. Weirdly himself do the talking.

- Whoa!

I'm Dr. Weirdly,

and welcome to my bizzaritorium!

Here, you'll find curios of the odd and peculiar.

[dog bleats]

Be amazed by the three-legged dancing rooster!

[rooster crows]

Marvel at the Martian mermaid!

Behold the Mystic Mummy of Mystery

and his Royal Ring of Royalty!

So odd! So peculiar!

- So patently false.

- Can we stop by the bizzaritorium on our way?

Please? Please? Please? Please?

- I don't know, sweetie.

Jesse made it clear that I cannot miss that barrel race.

- I'm not gonna lie, hon.

The dancing rooster has some real talent.

- Okay, we can stop,

but only if we have extra time.

- Yes!

Whoo-hoo!

- Whoo-hoo-hoo! [groans]

Ow, I think I threw my back out.

But this is still the best day of my life!

Yay--oh!

Yay--ooh!

[chuckles]

- If I want to be able to stop at the bizzaritorium,

I have to make sure we end up with lots of extra time.

Phase one: "Operation Turn the Clocks Forward."

This calls for some David Steele stealth action.

[heist music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, hands off!

This crown's mine, Lindsay!

Keep your greasy runner-up mitts off!

[grunts]

[snoring]

- Whew!

- [snoring]

[giggles] Rita, stop!

[snoring]

- [snoring]

[fog horn blares]

- [grunts]

[clock farts]

- [snoring]

- [gasps]

[yelps]

Shh!

[dramatic musical sting]

[birds chirping]

Now to get us on the road.

Phase two: "Operation Move It or Lose It."

- Is it just me, or did it literally

feel like a short night? - "Beats me.

I was having dreams about a clumsy, white-haired ninja.

- Attention: the Loud Summer Express leave in T-minus...

nine minutes!

- Hey!

Never yell while I'm doing my makeup!

You're just lucky I look fabulous no matter what.

- [groans] [megaphone feedback]

[yelps] - T-minus seven minutes!

- Aah, hot! Hot! - Oh, sorry, Dad.

- Coffee hot! Aah, hot! Hot!

- I loaded all the breakfast stuff in the RV

so you can cook on the road!

- [yelps, grunts]

Still very hot!

- [grunting]

[panting]

[grunting]

[panting]

- Before we depart,

Lana and I want to announce

we've made several RV upgrades we think you'll enjoy.

We give you...

Camper-zilla!

[all gasp]

- Ah! - Whoa!

- Whoa!

- It's a mini house on wheels! So cool!

- Whoa!

- And check out the toilet!

I added triple vortex suction power!

- [gasps]

[screams]

- Huh? [laughter]

[grunts]

- [sighs]

- Niagara Falls, here we come!

- ♪ Makin' up some flapjacks ♪

♪ Told you that I would ♪

♪ Pilin' up the short stacks ♪

♪ Tall ones if you're good ♪

D'oh! Ding-dang darn it! Not again!

[tires screeching] [crash]

Mm. [chuckles nervously]

- Good news! We're way ahead of schedule!

Looks like nothing's gonna stop us now!

- We need to stop!

I've gotta tinkle! [grunts]

- No. No stopping.

Just do your tinkling in the RV toilet.

- I can't. Somebody clogged it.

- No way! Nothing can stand up to triple vortex suction power!

- Tell that to the chili dogs

I ate for dinner last night.

[belches] [all gag]

- Ooh! [clanging]

- Okay, okay. Emergency change of plans.

Time for "Operation Get Them In and Out of the Rest Stop

as Fast as Possible."

All right, people, five minutes!

Come on! Let's see some hustle!

- Let's give Mr. Bullhorn a rest, okay?

- Mom!

- [chuckles nervously]

- [grunts]

- [screams, grunts]

Huh? Oh, no, with this line,

we'll never make it to Dr. Weirdly's on time.

[moans]

Hmm...

[gasps] All right, folks!

All-you-can-eat pancakes over in the parking lot!

Hot off the hood! Get 'em before they're gone!

- [gasps] - Ooh!

[excited chatter]

- Hey!

- Huh? - Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Dang it. - [sobbing]

- [gasps]

The bizarritorium's the next exit!

Mom, we have extra time. Can we stop?

Please? Can we?

- Oh, why not?

Dr. Weirdly's, here we come!

- Yay!

Huh? No!

How can it be out of business?

- "What a shocker, huh?

Who isn't into a bunch of creepy, old tchotchkes?"

- Aw, I'm so sorry, sweetie.

- Look on the bright side, kiddo:

we've got a big summer ahead of us!

I'll bet we'll find a mummy somewhere else!

- All that work for nothing!

[sighs]

Hmm? [grunts]

[coughs, gasps]

[rat chittering]

Whoa! The Royal Ring of Royalty!

It must have fallen off when they were packing up the mummy!

[chuckles]

- Come on, Stinkin'!

- Well, even though I didn't get to see the bizarritorium,

at least I ended up with a cool souvenir.

Who knows? Maybe it'll be my very own good luck charm.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

[roaring]

[thunder rumbling]

[rain pattering]

- Hmm, how odd.

According to my storm radar app,

it's not supposed to rain today.

- Well, that can't be, Lisa. Your app must be broken.

[groans]

Along with the ding-dang stove!

[sniffs] Ugh! Ew!

- Dude, shut the door!

That is rank!

- "Ugh, P.U.!"

- Ah, the milk is just the way I like it:

warm and chunky.

[munching loudly]

[all gag]

- Well, that's weird. The fridge was working before.

Well, I guess we're stopping for lunch.

[pop] - Whoa!

[sighs]

- What was that?

Please don't tell me we have a flat tire!

- [grunts] [pop]

- We don't.

We have two flat tires.

- Don't worry.

There's a restaurant up ahead.

I'll fix the tires while you grab some grub.

I'll have us back on the road in a jiffy!

[pensive music]

♪ ♪

- Okay, kids, let's go.

Everybody be quick with your orders.

[grunts] [all gasp]

- Honey, are you okay?

- Welcome to Busy Burgers!

Sorry about the chair.

Haven't seen that happen in the years I've worked here.

[all gasp]

- Ooh!

- Or any of that.

- Why don't we just order?

Lincoln, you go first.

- I'll try the Busy Burger with fries, please.

- Ah, I'm afraid we're fresh out of burgers.

- Dude, isn't this a burger joint?

Don't tell me you're out of fries too.

- No, no, we got lots. [all gasp excitedly]

But the fryer's on the fritz.

[all sigh]

- We'll literally just take orders of whatever you have.

To go.

- Well, mustard sandwiches

are never anyone's first choice,

but at least we've got lunch.

- [groans]

- The tires are fixed.

Let's hit the road!

Ooh, mustard sandwiches! My favorite!

[munching loudly]

- Record time on the repair, Lana.

At least something's going our way.

[thunder rumbling]

- Looks like you soak too soon!

[thunder rumbling]

[all sigh]

- I'm on it!

[chainsaw whirring]

[polka music playing]

♪ ♪

- [growls] - [groans]

Can we change the tunes?

- I'm trying, but the tree must have damaged the radio.

And now, it won't turn off.

- Hello!

We have bigger problems!

- Ooh, I have an idea!

- [gasps] - Uh, I wouldn't do that.

- OMGosh, are you superstitious about opening umbrellas inside?

- No, I'm more worried about--

[thunder rumbling]

That.

[both scream]

- [grunts]

[all scream]

- [screams]

- The ding-dang brakes are out!

[all scream]

[crash]

[both whimper]

- [sighs] What is going on?

We're literally having the worst luck ever!

- This is worse than bad luck.

It feels like a curse.

Did anyone anger a warlock?

Did anyone insult a fortune teller?

Did anyone take a sacred ancient heirloom?

- [chuckles nervously]

Hey, Lucy.

Uh, hypothetically speaking,

if someone were to, I don't know,

borrow a ring from, like, an ancient mummy,

that wouldn't be bad, right?

Just asking for a friend.

- Mom!

Lincoln stole a ring

from the Mystic Mummy of Mystery

and cursed our family!

- Oh, come on! - Seriously?

- Way to go, Lincoln!

- Bad Lincoln!

- Not to mention the ring is tacky.

Sorry, Mr. Mystic Mummy of Mystery, sir!

- Guys, I'm sorry. It was an honest mistake.

Can't I just put it back?

- Unfortunately, no.

According to my spell book,

once you put the ring on, you activated the curse.

- Well, that's just great!

I guess we're cursed for life now!

Check that off the ol' bucket list!

- Not necessarily.

According to this, there is one way to lift the curse.

We'll have to make an offering to the spirit of the mummy.

But we'll need to gather ingredients for a potion first.

- I'm sorry. We do not have time for that.

We have to get to that barrel race.

That mummy is just gonna have to wait.

[grunts]

Okay, offering it is.

- The first ingredient is hoary bog moss,

found deep in the swamps.

- [sniffing]

[both groaning] - [giggling]

- Ugh, all this moss literally looks the same.

[bubbling]

- Ew! Ewie! Ew! Ew!

Something touched my foot!

[bubbling]

- [growling]

- Swamp monster! - [screams]

Whoa! Whoa! [grunts]

Aah, it's coming for me!

- [growling]

Found it!

Where's Dad?

- The next ingredient is Violet Clingius,

found in the heart of the forest.

Its vibrant color makes it easy to spot.

But beware: it's a hugger.

- [grunts]

Aah! Help!

[all grunting]

[screaming]

- [giggling]

[all screaming]

[giggling]

- The last ingredient is the precious moonstone

found in the darkest, dankest cave.

Difficult to find and even more difficult to extract.

- You can't hide bling from Lola Loud!

[sniffs]

[grunts] Found it!

Next time, give me a real challenge.

[rumbling]

- Is that real enough for you?

[all gasp]

[screaming]

- Now we can undo the curse.

- Um, are you sure the spell book says

you have to wrap me in toilet paper?

- It doesn't. That's just payback for cursing our family.

- Fair enough. Carry on.

- Everyone, gather around.

It's time to banish the curse.

Ancient mummy, sleeping tight,

we lay these gifts upon your shrouds.

Deadly nightshade, moss and stone,

lift the curse placed on the Louds.

Everybody, "Lift the curse placed on the Louds."

all: Lift the curse placed on the Louds.

Lift the curse placed on the Louds.

[dramatic music]

[evil laughter]

[growling]

[wind howling]

[all grunt]

- Guys, it worked!

- [chuckles] Well, would you look at that?

The Louds conquered an ancient curse!

Go, us!

- Just one problem.

We've only got minutes to get to Niagara Falls

in time for the Barrel Day competition.

We'll never make it!

- We've got this one covered.

It was one of our upgrades to the RV.

- I suggest everyone buckle up.

[whirring]

[all scream]

[horn honking]

all: Whoa!

- Whoo-hoo! all: Whoa!

- [muffled] We're here.

- It seems the jet boosters are a smashing success!

- Let's just hope we made it in time for the race.

- Whoo-hoo! I just won the race!

I sure hope there was a journalist here to see it!

- Great. [all grunt]

[all scream]

- [stammering]

Are we still alive?

Oh, thank goodness. Thank goodness.

Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

- [sighs] [phone ringing]

It's Jesse.

[all gasp]

I guess I'll just tell her the truth.

Hopefully, she'll understand.

I mean, things happen, right?

Hey, Jesse.

- Rita, what's the scoop?

How was the barrel race?

I can't wait to read your column on it.

- Well, about that, we hit a little snag,

and we missed the race.

But I assure you, this will not happen again.

We're back on track and super excited

to get to our next destination.

- I don't know, Rita.

If you couldn't make your first deadline,

maybe you're not fit to be a travel writer.

This just in: you're out.

I'm taking you off the assignment.

- [sighs]

- I'm sorry you feel that way,

but I understand.

- Wait! No, let me explain!

Ms. Hiller, this is Lincoln Loud.

Please don't take this away from my mom.

She a great reporter. - Lincoln--

- It's my fault she missed the race.

If I hadn't gotten the family cursed by a mummy,

she would've crushed the barrel race story.

- Did you say "cursed by a mummy"?

Stop the presses! Tell me more, kid!

- And then, the rain disappeared.

And we raced to Niagara Falls in record time

thanks to the rocket boosters on the RV.

- I see.

Well, newsflash: I love this story!

It's got everything:

mummies, curses, flying pancakes.

It's brilliant!

I changed my mind, Rita! [all gasp]

The trip's back on, but you can tear up my itinerary.

Go wherever you want! Here's the hook!

"Out of control family has random, bizarre adventures

on the open road!"

It's different, it's fun,

and people love a good, old-fashioned hot mess.

- Well, I don't know about hot mess, but we'll take it!

Thank you, Jesse.

[all cheering] - That's awesome, Mom!

- And thank you, Lincoln.

Okay, guys, you heard her. Where should we go next?

- Ooh, hooray for Hollywood!

- America's Largest Ball of Garbage!

- Whoopee Cushion World or bust!

[toilet flushes]

- Oh, uh, hey, guys.

I think the toilet's clogged again.

Yeah, must still be the curse.

all: Ugh, Lynn!

- I'll get the plunger.

- ♪ Cramped inside this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪ - ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck and dodge and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show our love ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪ - ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Laundry piles stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with kids ♪

♪ That's the way it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪