07x05 - Road Trip: Bizarritorium

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Crashing through the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls like Ping-Pong ba*ls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house, in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push, and shove ♪

♪ That's how we show our love ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house, in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

- ♪ Wouldn't trade it for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud, Loud, Loud ♪

♪ Loud house ♪

- Poo-poo.

[patriotic rock music]

♪ ♪

- It's amazing that Jesse got us

VIP tour passes to the White House.

Are you kids excited back there?

- I know I am.

I read that the White House has its own bowling alley.

- I hear there's a whole room devoted to ice cream sundaes.

- I can't wait to see the dresses

worn by all the First Ladies.

- I'm excited to take a peek at that kitchen.

I bet they have wooden spatulas dating back to the s.

Oh, I can just imagine all the splinters

I'm gonna get.

- Ooh, cool. - This is totes amazing.

- Everything's huge! - Wow.

- Hi, there, we're the Loud family and--

- Loud indeed. [footsteps thumping]

Ah, you must be my VIP tour.

Well, looks like we'll be skipping

the bowling alley, sundae room, dress room,

and the White House kitchen.

- What? - No fair.

- I can't risk anything getting broken

because of an unruly group of tourists.

- Hey, why do you get to decide what we see, pal?

You're not the president.

- Bosley Bullsworth's the name, and I am the president...

[all gasp] - What?

- Of the White House Tour Guide Association.

I'm known as the Bulldog.

- Um, why do they call you the Bulldog?

- [barking and snarling]

- Ah, now it makes sense.

- [clears throat]

I expect you all to be on your best behavior.

Today is the president's birthday,

and I won't have you ruffians ruining it.

- Ooh, can we sing to him?

- Yeah, that sounds like ruining it to me.

There will be no singing, no wandering off,

and no touching anything. Do not test the Bulldog.

I would hate to have to put you all

in the White House dungeon.

[all gasp]

- [laughs] Just kidding.

I would love to put you all in the White House dungeon.

Now follow me.

- Hi, there's not really, like, a dungeon here, right?

- There is.

In fact, a month ago, a guy taking a tour

turned on a light without permission.

He spent a week down there.

[all gasp] - I don't see you behind me!

[all groaning]

- Excuse me, Mr. Bulldog, sir,

but this is the seventh hallway you've shown us.

Can we see something more exciting?

- All right.

I suppose I can show you one room.

- The bowling alley? - The sundae bar?

- The dress room? - The White House library.

[all groan]

- Sorry, but that is way better than a sundae bar.

- Oh.

The White House bowling alley?

Oh, man, it's right here.

[quirky music]

- Go on and take a peek. We'll cover for you.

- Whoo-hoo!

Whoa.

[upbeat funk music]

[pins clattering]

Yes!

- And that's the Presidential Library.

Any questions? - Ooh, yes.

Can the president pardon himself

so he doesn't have to pay late book fees?

- Oh, hilarious.

All right, now let's make sure we haven't lost anyone.

, , , , , . Hold on.

Are we missing someone?

- Sorry, just tying my shoe.

- Oh, all right.

Now because you surprised me by behaving in the library,

I'm going to show you another exciting place...

- I'm awake.

- The White House laundry room.

[all groan] - Ooh!

I bet it was President Washington's favorite.

[laughs]

- I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that.

All right, follow me.

- [gasps]

White House sundae room.

- Psst, go live your best life, dude.

We got your back.

♪ ♪

- Whoa.

♪ ♪

[laughs]

[burps]

- And that's why fluff and fold was added to the Constitution.

Now let's make sure that we're all still here.

Wait a minute.

Someone seems to be missing.

- Sorry, just tying my shoe.

[both chuckle]

- All right, now I have a real treat for you,

the office supply closet.

[all groan]

- Ooh, I bet that's a real staple of the White House.

[laughs]

Oh, wow, tough crowd.

- [gasps]

Lola, this is the room with the First Ladies' dresses.

Go. We'll cover you.

- [squeals]

- Ooh, la, la, très chic.

First Lady's dress

for president's birthday party tonight.

Well, I don't think she'd mind.

Hello, it is I,

Lola Loud, your beloved First Lady.

Nah, forget that. Your president.

I was just tying my shoe.

- An awful lot of loose laces today.

All right, move it along.

Time to visit the White House recycling room.

- I bet that room-- - No.

And that concludes our tour. I'm surprised.

I expected you to be trouble, but you were all well behaved.

Eh, too bad for me.

I didn't get to let the dog out.

[barking and snarling]

All right, please make your way

to the White House exit.

- That is one strange little man.

- Kids, I'm sorry you didn't get the tour you hoped for,

but I'm proud of you for being so good.

Now, who wants to hit the hotel pool?

- Totally. - [laughs]

- Wait.

We can't leave. There's one little problem.

[grunts]

[gasps]

- Actually, two little problems.

- Make that three little problems.

[laughs]

Ow! [gasps]

- Seriously?

I can't believe the three of you.

- Uh, make that four.

[rock music]

- Five.

Whoo-hoo!

[gasps] [gulps]

- Kids, how could you?

Your father and I are very disappointed,

aren't we honey? - Uh...

[laughs] Well, uh...

[humming melody]

Oh, oh!

- Lynn.

- You'll have plenty of time to yell at me later, Rita,

when the Bulldog tracks us down and sends us

to the dungeon forever.

- He's not gonna do that

because we are going to sneak back in

and fix everything before he notices.

Just follow my lead.

Excuse me, before we get back on the road,

would you mind if we use the restrooms?

- They're right down the hall you just came from.

- Thank you, ma'am.

[patriotic rock music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[all panting]

- Have you all been in the bathroom this whole time?

- Well, we are a big family.

- Hey, how does my hair look?

I want to be picture perfect for all these cameras.

[all gasp]

[tense music]

[all scream]

- Of course, the whole building is under surveillance.

I should have known.

- So it doesn't matter that we fixed everything.

There's still proof we went where we weren't supposed to.

- If we can get into the security room,

we can remove the footage that shows us making a mess today.

And I've accessed

the White House blueprints online.

The security room is down the hall.

We just need to get past the receptionist again.

- Um, excuse me, but we all need

to use the restrooms again.

- I feel your pain, folks.

I'm cursed with a tiny bladder too.

- Yeah, thank you.

- Geez, tighter security than expected.

Hmm. Oh!

The camera room is directly below us.

We can gently lower ourselves down--

[all scream]

Quick, quick, quick, we're looking for a hard drive

where they'd store all the video footage.

- You mean like this one?

- Ah! - [gasps]

- [howls]

I knew all of you were trouble.

My Bulldog senses are never wrong.

Time to call the president.

- Please don't, Mr. Bulldog. We're really sorry.

We were so curious, we couldn't help ourselves.

- Maybe time in the dungeon will teach you

to show respect.

Hello, Mr. President. Yeah, Bulldog here.

I caught some tourists who ran amok

in the White House today, and I just want you to know

I'm sending them to the dungeon so that your birthday is safe.

What's that?

The bowling alley lane has never been so smooth?

And the ice cream machine no longer leaks?

OK, but--huh?

First Lady loves the new design of her dress?

And your guitar is finally in tune?

OK, but what about the bust--

now he's smiling and doesn't scare you?

And you snuck some frosting off the new cake,

and it's even more delicious than the smooshed one?

- [laughs] - [chuckles]

- What? All right, hang on.

He wants to talk to you.

- Um, hello Mr. President, this is Rita Loud.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Oh, thank you, sir.

g*ng, the President is so happy with the improvements

we made today that he invited us

to his birthday party.

- So exciting! - This better not be a a joke!

- Seriously? - No way!

- This is wrong.

But if you're gonna meet the President,

I'll accompany you to keep you in line.

- I'm sorry, Bulldog, but he specifically said

you weren't invited.

He wants us to meet him in the party room.

- I know where that is. Follow me.

- Whoa! [grumbles]

The Bulldog is not happy. [whimpers]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- You know, I'm really getting used to life on the road.

Living with the bare essentials isn't so bad.

- You said it.

- RV living is literally the life for us.

Why are we stopping?

- Exciting news.

For my next piece in the travel series,

we are all going to check out the beauty

of the Rocky Mountains here in Colorado.

[soaring orchestral music]

- Cool. - Definitely rocky.

- Sweet.

- No, I meant we're going outside

for an invigorating -mile hike.

You guys are going to love it.

- Nah. - I'm good.

- You kids have fun.

- Come on, fam.

[quirky music]

- Hm, is that my convincing suit?

- Maybe.

It'll be great to get out of the RV for a while...

[wheezes] For some fresh air.

Your mother and I made some of our best memories hiking,

and we want that for all of you.

- There's nothing like enjoying what nature has to offer.

So what do you say, kids?

- Maybe it's because I've never been

on the receiving end of that suit,

but I'm convinced. Besides, how bad can hiking be?

[all panting]

- Ugh, there is literally no signal.

[flies buzzing] - [gasps]

Ugh, get away! - [burps]

- Leave me here.

I belong to the mountains now.

- Too hot. Too cold.

Too hot. Too cold.

And now it's hot again.

But hey, we are making lifelong memories, right?

- Ugh, more like lifelong nightmares.

- I agree. This hike's a bust.

I bet Mom and Dad are having as rough a time as we are.

[both breath deeply]

[together] Ah.

- I've never felt more alive.

[all groan]

- We're never gonna make it, dudes.

- We have to convince Mom and Dad

to let us go back to the RV.

Lincoln, pull out the convincing suit.

- Dad stretched it out.

But don't worry, I have a plan.

Follow me.

- Uh, siblings, would someone mind

lending me a five-fingered appendage?

Good to know you can always count on family.

- [whistling melody]

[quirky music]

- Oops.

All of our food has fallen into the river.

Now we will perish.

[both yelp]

- Oh, no, my homemade grano-Lynn bars!

- Luan, I think you can reach it.

Luan, just use your human hands.

- Well, too late, toots.

Looks like our food is down the river,

and we're up a creek.

[both panting]

- [groans]

- Aw, looks like if we don't go back to the RV, we'll starve.

Bummer.

All right, let's go, everybody.

- No, no, no, this will just give us

the opportunity to live off what nature has to offer.

Don't worry, kids. The hike continues.

[all cheer halfheartedly]

- Great idea having us forage for our own food, honey.

This will make a great addition to my column.

- Mm, right?

Nothing like huckleberries fresh off the branch.

Oh, thorn.

- Incoming.

- Lana, you clod. You know red isn't my color.

- That gives me another idea.

- Oh no.

I seem to have a bad case of poison oak.

[coughs]

Oh, cruel world.

We must go back to the RV.

- Don't worry, honey. I've got this.

Voilà.

An all-natural cure for poison oak.

- [sniffs] Ew, what's in this?

- Herbs, spring water, and squirrel excrement.

- [screams]

Ha, what do you know? I'm cured.

- Ah, great work, honey. Your mom is awesome.

Onward.

- Beware of mountain goats.

I have one more idea.

♪ ♪

- Mom, Dad, Lily's got a full diaper.

- And we all have to go too. - I have to take a leak.

- I have to pee. - Need to evacuate my bladder.

- Of course. Bathroom break, everyone.

- [bleating thunderously]

- Ah, it's one of those Rocky Mountain goats

I've heard about. They're very aggressive.

They've been known to injure people.

- Kids, everyone come back.

We're sorry to say this, but the hike is off.

We've had an angry goat sighting.

It's just too dangerous for you kids

to be out here with those beasts

roaming the woods.

- Time to get back to the RV ASAP.

[all cheer]

- I mean, "Oh, no." - Terrible.

- This is terrible.

- [panting]

Hurry like your lives depend on it

because they do. [screams]

[goats growl]

- No one make any sudden movements.

- OM-gosh, our sisters make

really convincing mountain goats.

- No, Leni.

It seems Lynn's roar summoned actual mountain goats.

[goats growling and grunting]

- [low bleat]

- I'm not quite as familiar

with this Rocky Mountain dialect,

but I can tell they are not happy.

- Maybe I can soothe them with a lullaby.

You know, Moon Goat to mountain goat.

♪ Sleep angry mountain goats on this mountain hike ♪

♪ With visions of whatever goats like ♪

♪ Just lie down now and shut your sleepy eyes ♪

♪ Please let the Loud family stay alive ♪

- [growls]

[all screaming]

- Ah, tough room!

[suspenseful music]

[all screaming]

♪ ♪

- OK, careful. Follow me.

[screams]

- Oh, no. - Dad!

- Gasp. - Whew.

- OK, I am literally not crossing that.

I'd rather take my chances with the goats.

♪ ♪

[screams] Wait for me!

♪ ♪

- They're gonna break the bridge.

- Run!

[all screaming]

- OK, kids, stay calm.

We need to use the bridge as a ladder to get back up.

- Make way. - Come on.

- Ow! - Beauty before age.

And before you too. - Eh.

[blows raspberry]

♪ ♪

- [groaning]

- See that?

The Louds can handle anything Mother Nature throws at them.

[sighs]

[all panting and groaning]

- Now let's see where to go next.

Where's the map? Oh. Oh, no.

No, no, no, no. No!

[goats chuckling]

- Great, so we're completely lost with no food

and no way to call for help.

- Ah, yes, given our circumstances,

I calculate our chances of survival at %.

- Gah!

- Oh, wait, forgot to carry the one.

%. - [screams]

- We never should have taken you kids on a hike.

We just wanted to make

some lifelong memories together.

- And now it seems lifelong means only a few hours.

This is all our fault. [sobbing]

- Actually, Mom and Dad, this is all our fault.

- We didn't want to do a -mile hike,

so we sabotaged it. - You what?

- Kids, how could you?

- We're sorry. - You should be.

I tried to talk them out of it.

- But don't worry. We got us into this mess.

And if we work together, we can get us out of it.

Right, guys? - Totally!

- Well, judging by the sun's position in the sky

and knowing we took an easterly road,

the RV must be, uh, this way.

[spirited orchestral music]

- How are we supposed to get down?

- Ooh, we'll use what nature provides.

♪ ♪

- Oh, how are we gonna get past these rapids?

- [grunts]

We'll use what nature provides.

♪ ♪

- How are we gonna get past this waterfall?

♪ ♪

- We'll use what nature-- [screams]

Never mind!

[all screaming]

- Everyone lean left.

Lean right.

Aim for that beaver dam.

[all screaming]

- We made it.

- Can you believe when that bridge broke?

- I thought we were goners in the rapids.

- OK, OK, we get the message.

- We'll never take you on another hike again.

- What do you mean?

We literally loved it.

- I concur. Talk about an adrenaline rush.

- Nature is rad.

- Mom and Dad, can we sleep under the stars tonight?

- [laughs] I'll go grab our mattresses.

- [bleats happily]

- [growls]

- Or we can sleep on the ground.

- ♪ Cramped inside this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad, but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud House, Loud House ♪

♪ Duck and dodge and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show our love in the Loud House ♪

♪ Loud House ♪

♪ Laundry piles stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand me downs that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with kids ♪

♪ That's the way it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud House ♪