07x06 - Road Trip: Bringing Down the House/Road Trip: Mountain Hard Pass

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Crashing through the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls like Ping-Pong ba*ls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house, in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push, and shove ♪

♪ That's how we show our love ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house, in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

- ♪ Wouldn't trade it for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud, Loud, Loud ♪

♪ Loud house ♪

- Poo-poo.

[upbeat bluegrass music]

♪ ♪

- Here we are kiddos, the Southwest State Fair.

Yee-haw!

[all gasping] - Whoa.

- Rockin'.

- Oh, hon, there's a spot.

[upbeat music]

- Ah, perfect, like a glove.

Now, who's-- uh-oh.

- Trapped, with no way out.

- Incorrect. [phone beeps]

- Huh, good thinking, Lisa.

- I want to get there. Hurry up.

- Go, go, go, go. - Whoa, man.

This is so exciting. - Can I have a selfie?

- Sign this for me please. - Yay!

- Wait, is that--

- Can you sign this? I love you!

- Huh, Rita? Is that you?

- [gasps] Brad Plaid!

- Hot diggity, it is you!

And I thought these glasses were monkeying with me.

What's a Michigander like you doing here?

- I'm actually writing a column about life

on the road with a big family. - No kidding?

So you became a writer after all?

I always knew you would. - Hey, honey.

- Howdy, sir. Would you like an autograph?

- Oh. [laughs]

This is my husband, Lynn.

Everyone, this is Brad.

He and I knew each other from Camp Can Do when we were kids.

- [laughs]

We were practically hogtied at the hip.

In fact, we were each other's camp crushes,

if I remember right.

- [chuckles] How adorable.

- So Brad, my man, what's with the crowd?

You, like, famous or something?

- Well, I'm somewhat of a...

♪ Country singer ♪

all: Ooh.

- I'm on tour cross-country with my horse.

They call me the Crooning Cowboy.

- That's so cool. - OK. Great.

But we better get going.

Lots to see and do, just me and my family

and Rita who is my wife. [chuckles]

- Say, y'all should check out my show

after the rodeo tonight. How do front row seats sound?

- Yes! - Oh, wow!

- So cool!

- That is so sweet of you, Brad.

- Yes. Yes, so, so sweet.

Oh, I just remembered.

We're a sing-along kind of family at concerts,

and we don't know any of your songs.

Guess we'll have to pass. Well, thanks anyway.

- Take my "Greatest Hits" album.

Y'all will catch up in no time.

Now, you kids are gonna love the fair.

I'll be your personal guide.

Let's head 'em up and move 'em out!

- [groans]

- "Rita-'Round the World," "All I Need Is Rita,"

"Rita Likes Pita." [gasp]

All his songs are about Rita.

Brad is obviously obsessed with her.

And it looks like he's trying to rekindle

his Camp Can Do flame.

Well, not on my watch, buster.

Oh, you think you're such a big man?

Well, you're not so big.

- A big Brad Plaid howdy to y'all.

- Oh, come on!

- Yeah, whoa! - So cool!

- [squeals] Look at those unicorns.

Eunice has been begging for a baby brother.

- Well, I'd be happy to.

- Yeah, I got it Bryson.

[quirky music]

[grunts]

♪ ♪

Hands are a little sweaty, just from the heat.

I'm not nervous or intimidated in any way.

[grunts]

[grumbles]

[grunting]

- Ow. - Sorry.

[panting]

[grunts]

- We have a winner. - Whew!

We'll take the unicorn, please.

- Sorry, sir, but that prize

is for knocking down the whole pyramid.

[toy squeaks] - [grumbles]

- Allow me, partner.

[upbeat country music]

- [gasps]

♪ ♪

Yeah!

- Thanks, Dad. I mean, Brad.

- [growling]

[upbeat bluegrass music]

♪ ♪

- Your kids are natural boot scooters, Rita.

Bet they learned it from you. Speaking of, care to dance?

- Sorry, maybe next song, Brody.

- Are you feeling OK, hon?

Because you've been acting a little--

- Charming, debonair?

Like someone who isn't crumbling on the inside?

♪ ♪

- Old Tootsie's gotcha now! Hang on.

- Whoa, oh, whoa, whoa, oh! Ah!

- [laughs] - Whoo-hoo!

- [growling]

- Time for another fling, chicken wing.

- No, no, no! Ah!

- This is so fun. - Brad's so cool.

- Can I get boots like Brad's? - [grumbling]

[gasps] Barbecue cookoff.

Hey, Brent, what do you say we put

our grill skills to the test?

- Sounds like fun, partner.

- [laughing maniacally]

Uh. [clears throat]

Excuse me.

[dramatic music]

[growls]

♪ ♪

- And what do we have here?

- It's my famous pulled chick-Lynn sandwich

with a side of Mac Lynn cheese. Enjoy.

- Mmm. - Room for seconds?

Or should I say sec-Lynns? Wha--huh?

[upbeat country music]

♪ ♪

- Mmm, these are delicious. And what'd you call them?

- Shish ke-Brad.

[laughter] - He's good.

- How dare he?

Food-based puns are my thing!

Can you guys believe this? Huh? What?

- Mm-hmm. - Mmm, mmm.

- [growling] Huh?

Oh, come on!

- Here, Dad. I got you a clean shirt.

- I--Ugh! You!

You may have won the first three rounds,

Brad Bleh! But I'm not out yet.

You hear me? - Um, Dad, you feeling OK?

You're yelling at a t-shirt. - What? Everything's fine.

You know, apart from Brad trying to steal your mom away.

- What? Dad, you're losing it.

Brad's not trying to--

- Hoo-wee, do I got a big surprise for Rita.

You're gonna love this, Chuck.

I've got a seat for her on my private jet.

After the concert tonight, I want her to fly away with me.

[both gasp]

- Uh, I'm over here, sir.

- I knew that.

- Whoa, you're right.

Brad's totally trying to steal Mom away.

- Lincoln, what am I gonna do?

- Leave it to me.

Brad's not the only man with a plan round these parts.

[laughter]

Nothing to see here.

- Just two rodeo clowns heading to work.

Hey!

- Now for phase two.

I'll sneak into Brad's dressing room

and swipe his glasses, and you'll switch

Brad's horse with a wild bull.

- Don't you think he'll notice?

- You've seen him without his glasses.

He can't tell a person from a cactus.

Before he can figure it out, he'll be bucked

all the way to Timbuktu. - Nice thinking, son.

[soft dramatic music]

- I'll be right there, just got to grab something

out of my dressing room.

Where did I put those dang glasses?

- Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready to welcome

the Crooning Cowboy? - [gasps]

- Phew. - Hold up a minute.

At least I got my ten-gallon.

- Oh, that was close.

- Hey, Stomper, we're just gonna go for a little walk,

OK, buddy? - [snorts]

♪ ♪

[cowbell ringing]

- That's right, Stomper. Follow me.

Eeeeh!

[panting] - [screams]

- Oh! [screaming]

- Come on, come on, quickly.

♪ ♪

- [grunts]

♪ ♪

- Nice going, Dad.

- [groans]

- Now, let's go watch Brad completely beef it.

Pun intended. Ha ha!

- [groans]

- Whoa, steady girl.

- Everyone, put your hands together

for the Crooning Cowboy

and his pita-loving noble steed, Rita!

[together] Rita is a horse.

- That means Brad is obsessed with Rita the horse,

not Rita the wife.

[gasps] What have I done?

- [groans] - Howdy, folks.

How about I play a little song for you?

[cheers and applause]

- ♪ Well, she don't eat oats ♪ Whoa!

Ah! What's gotten into you?

- I put Brad in danger. I've got to save him.

- Whoa! - Brad, listen to me.

You're sitting on a bull! - [roars]

- I'm sitting on a what now?

- [grunts] - Ah!

Oof.

- [snorts]

- [clanging cowbell]

[screams]

- Yeah, Dad! Do it! - You can do it!

- [screams]

[all gasp]

- [screaming]

[grunts]

Oh, Brad. Thanks for breaking my fall.

- Lynn, oh, my gosh! Are you OK?

What is going on?

- Oh, sorry, Rita.

I really panicked when I thought

you were gonna get on that plane,

but then I realized you're not a horse.

- Uh, OK. - Let me rephrase.

I was so afraid that you were gonna run off with Brad

that I--I sabotaged the show.

- Honey, there is nothing between me and Brad.

Why would you think that? - I know that now.

But it is weird that he named his horse after you.

- No, I didn't.

I named her after my Granny, Margarita.

Why, she'd eat an apple right out your hand.

Granny, not the horse.

- I'm sorry, honey. And I'm sorry, Brian--

Brad. - Oh, there you are.

- I might have gotten a teensy bit carried away.

- I'm sorry too. Here, these are yours.

- No harm done, partner.

If nothing else, you helped me put on one wild show.

And boy, you gotta teach me your cowbell technique.

That's the one thing I could never master.

- Well, you know, it is an art form.

- Say, I still gotta finish the show

before Rita, the horse Rita, and I jet off on my plane.

And I sure could use a little more cowbell

in the big finale.

♪ Well, she don't eat oats ♪

♪ And she don't eat hay ♪

♪ There's just one thing she'll nosh ♪

♪ At the end of the day ♪

♪ Is that unleavened bread that tickles her hide ♪

♪ And she'll eat it when it's plain ♪

♪ Or with some lettuce on the side ♪

♪ Rita likes pita ♪

♪ Rita likes pita ♪

♪ It's the only thing I feed her ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing sweeter ♪

♪ Rita likes pita ♪

♪ Rita likes pita ♪

♪ And she makes my life complete-a ♪

♪ So I always feed her pita ♪

Come on!

[cheers and applause]

[dramatic Western music]

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

[keyboard clacking]

- Ah, there.

I just finished my article

on the "Raddest Restaurants of Route ."

Fun title, huh, kids?

[stomachs grumble]

[all groaning]

- Hmm, maybe eating at ten diners in a row

was a little bit ambitious.

- I mean, I could go for more. - Oh, not me.

I'm so stuffed, I could be a Thanksgiving turkey.

[burps]

- Ugh. - Ew.

- Not cool, Luan. - It wasn't me.

It was Mr. Coconuts.

You know I can't resist

the all-you-can-eat coleslaw bar.

[screams]

Ah, where's Mr. Coconuts?

- All right. Chill, dude.

Where's the last place you remember having him?

- At the last diner.

I ordered a wood-fired pizza,

and I'll never forget the look he gave me.

We have to turn back.

- Oh, jeez, sweetie.

That diner is miles in the other direction.

- Dad, he's a member of the family.

- No Loud left behind!

[tires squealing]

- Everybody, freeze!

Has anyone seen a short man with a wooden body

and even more wooden punch lines?

Looks like we'll just have to tear this place apart.

- Kids, you know she means that figuratively, right?

[soft dramatic music]

- All clear here.

♪ ♪

- Ugh. - Oops.

Excuse me, sir.

Have you seen Mr. Coconuts? - Ugh.

- Bah.

- Hmm.

- No puppet meat in these burgers.

- Oh, eureka! A security camera.

- Ma'am, we have to see today's security tapes.

It's an emergency.

- Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪

[gasps] There he is!

I didn't lose Mr. Coconuts.

He was puppet-napped!

♪ ♪

- Dust is a must?

[gasps] Aha!

It appears that bumper sticker refers to

the slogan for Dusty Springs, a small town

just southwest from here.

- So if we find the town, we'll find Mr. Coconuts.

- Ugh, this is gonna be our whole day,

isn't it?

[relaxed Western music]

♪ ♪

- This is certainly off the beaten path.

- It's time to spring into action and save Mr. C.

[dramatic Western music]

♪ ♪

OK, here's the plan.

We're gonna knock on every dusty door

and look under every dusty rock.

We are not leaving until we find him.

Here, these posters from our recent gig

at the Chuckle Condo

will help the locals identify him.

Now, let's get to work. - [panting]

[h*nky-tonk music]

♪ ♪

- Yeah, he looks familiar. His aura is near.

But I sense distress.

- Oh, no!

[ominous music]

What are we gonna do?

- Ah! Dang it!

I must have forgotten the emergency brake!

♪ ♪

[dramatic Western music]

- It's headed for that gulch!

♪ ♪

- Oh, no, it's not. [grunts]

♪ ♪

Yoink!

♪ ♪

[all sigh]

[all gasp]

- Stay away? Come on, guys.

The RV totes needs some alone time.

- No, Leni, this is a warning from the puppet-napper.

He knows we're here, and he wants to keep us

from finding Mr. Coconuts. We must be close.

- Close indeed.

[all gasp] - Don't worry, Mr. Coconuts!

We're coming to save you!

♪ ♪

- He's heading towards that barn.

[engine rumbles]

- We've got him cornered. Come on, you guys.

♪ ♪

- On a creep scale of one to ten,

I'd call this a nine.

[eerie music]

Correction, .

♪ ♪

[bluegrass music]

- Banjo solo. Never a good sign, dudes.

[eerie music]

[all gasp] - Stay away! Leave!

Get out! This is your last chance!

- It's him! Nice try, puppet-napper.

But it'll take more than a few marionettes

to scare us away! [eerie cackling]

- Speak for yourself, Luan!

[all screaming]

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

- Sorry, large family. This isn't personal.

- Yes, it is.

Nobody ties up my family in a dusty barn.

Good thing Lily's teething. Go to work, sweetie.

- [chomping]

[all scream]

♪ ♪

Lynn, give me the keys to the RV.

♪ ♪

You're mine, puppet-napper.

- Mom, there's his car!

♪ ♪

[tires squealing]

♪ ♪

- I don't have a visual.

[tires screech]

- He's too far away.

We'll never catch up now.

- Inaccurate.

We still have one more trick up our proverbial sleeves.

Activate rocket mode.

[boosters whirring]

[engine roars]

♪ ♪

- Wait! Go back.

♪ ♪

[tires screeching]

[car thuds]

- You'll never catch me! [laughing]

Oh.

Oh, curses these Dusty Springs dusty springs.

- It's over, puppet-napper!

- Stop calling me that.

I could never puppet-nap him

because I'm his father, Calvin Coconuts.

[dramatic music]

[all gasp]

- I had a nightmare about this once.

- I--I don't understand.

- Years ago, I, a renowned puppet maker,

created Calvin Jr. to look like

the most handsome man I know, me.

Soon we were touring the country

as a father-puppet banjo act.

It was the perfect life

until fate brought us to Royal Woods.

[upbeat bluegrass music]

[applause]

[bird screeches]

Huh? Stop! Please stop!

Ugh.

Mr. Coconuts, come back!

[somber music]

[bird screeches]

- [gasps]

Well, it's nice to meet you, Mr. Coconuts.

Likewise, toots.

- I never thought I'd see my boy again,

until earlier today.

[gasps] - Oh, too much milkshake.

BRB, Mr. C.

- When I saw him, something came over me,

and I just couldn't bear to lose him again,

so I did what I had to do.

[blows nose]

- So all of this means... [gasps]

Mr. Coconuts was never really mine.

♪ ♪

Calvin, I think Mr. Coconuts should stay with you.

[all gasp] - Luan, are you sure?

- Yes, I have to do the right thing.

[sniffles] This is for the best.

♪ ♪

- Mwah.

- Uh, before I go,

um, here's his favorite whoopee cushion,

and his toothbrush.

And actually, I have his travel suitcase right here.

♪ ♪

Oh, here's looking at you, toots.

♪ ♪

- I am so proud of you, Luan. I know that wasn't easy.

- Thanks, Mom.

I can't believe I'll never see Mr. Coconuts again.

I'm gonna miss his jokes, his smile,

his pine-fresh scent.

- Hey, what about my boyish charm?

- [gasps]

- We have to start locking the RV.

- You left this poster behind,

and it looks like you two have a good thing going.

I think Calvin Jr. should stay with you.

- Really? You mean it?

- Absolutely.

I'm retired, and my performing days are behind me,

but you two are just getting started.

I trust you'll help my boy share

his talents with the world, or at least greater Michigan.

[tender music]

- Oh, thank you, Mr. Coconuts Sr.

You can come visit Mr. C anytime.

Oh, and bring your marionettes too.

We have plenty of room.

- It's a deal. - Uh...

♪ ♪

- Now, what do you think, junior?

One song for old time's sake?

- You read my mind, Papa.

[upbeat bluegrass music]

- Ugh, this is gonna be our whole night isn't it?

- ♪ Cramped inside this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪ - ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck and dodge and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show our love ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪ - ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Laundry piles stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with kids ♪

♪ That's the way it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪