01x03 - g*y Friend / Mexican

[bunniefuu]

We interrupt tonight's program to bring

you an important message from the White

House. There's been a lot of talk about

this whole immigration mess. Look, this

is a problem. We're all going to have to

think outside the bun on. Mexicans are

starting to take some of the jobs we

actually do want, jobs like Mexican

wrestler and Zorro. Someday I want to be

the masked president and no one will know

my identity. Then I'll sneak down to

Tijuana and give your emperor Fidel

Castro a serious body slam.

MERS, he's the 1st.

Tonight's episode, the one where I

learned to use a bedazzler.

Good luck out there, boys. You are. You

show them that just because you're a

Bush, that doesn't mean that you're a

wimp. You got it, Puff.

You go on, you let me get that son.

Gary, get the door.

Hey, Coachy, I'm here to try for the

team. Now you're going to tell one of

these fellows they're cut to make room

for me? Or should I break the news? Well,

let's see how you do first.



Football sucks. OK, you're just

not cut out for this. But see, I'm not

a doer or a thinker. I'm more of a

talker. Maybe I should have your job,

coachy. Heads up, Jump that ball can't

stop, you'll get k*lled.

Oh no.

Amazing boys, we found our new secret

weapon. Cut the rest of these idiots. Oh,

how dreary. Well, this isn't much like

the football I'm used to back home. I

guess I'll never understand this culture.

But see, I like the way you talk. You're

like Paddington Bear, but you're not a

bear. Where are you from? Narnia, New

England. Which? You're up. Narnia. The

only reason we didn't make the team is

because we're too good for it. They'd

have to redesign the scoreboard for all

the points we'd be making. You remain

confident despite overwhelming evidence

to the contrary. Fascinating. I like the

way you agree with me. And my name's

little George. Little Tony Blair at your

service. Cheers. Cheers, that's a great

idea. Cheerleading would be way more fun

in football. Oh, what's cheerleading?

That's where you get to shout crazy stuff

and jump all around and tell people what

to do. I say your thick headed charisma

has me under its spell. I'm in. It's like

being a coach, but more glamorous. That's

a place for a couple of pretty boys like

us. Oh, you fascinate me.

What's the word? Family? Little George,

did you hear the news? Jeb is the new

starting running back, the coach said.

He's the only player who doesn't need to

wear a helmet.

That's my boy.

What position did you get, son? Well,

I'm the leader. Quarterback. Attaboy. No,

Pop. I'm the cheerleader. Check it out.

Give me a palm. Give me another

palm. And what's that spell? I don't

know, son. Palm. Palms.

Well, at least he'll be meeting plenty of

little girls. No, even better. It's just

me and my new buddy, little Tony Blair.

Now get in here, Tony. Baloney. Now, he's

great. Does whatever I say. Now excuse

us. We're going upstairs to have a tea

party. Little Tony's going to tell me

about his pony. Rainbow wishes. Your son

fascinates me.

George, that boy, his mannerisms, his

voice, all that girlish giggling. He's

how now Barr. Don't jump to

conclusions, George. Little Tony is

British if people suspect Little George

is even applying for dual citizenship.

He'll never grow up to be president. I'm

sure it's just a phase. If you're not

going to put a stop to this, I will. I

don't want our son driving on the wrong

side of the road.

Why can't we think of anything to do? I

don't know, but I know I don't know. So

it's a known unknown. It's not one of

those unknown unknowns that we don't

know. We don't know, you know.

You're right, we haven't seen little

George for two whole hours. Oh, I

miss him so much. Rah rah tea bag.

Yeah, it's that damn British kid. He

blindly follows little George around and

does whatever he says. That's our job.

Regime change around around. Exactly. We

can have fun on our own, we just

got to find someone else to blindly

follow around. You're right, but let's

not rush into this. We need to weigh

our options and choose carefully. How

about little Barack Obama? He's tall,

charismatic, and we know nothing about

him. Good enough for me,

Dino, Mike, Rara.



Now cut that out, little George Kelly.

h*, old bean. That means Hi, Ma.

I learned it from me, mate. Tony.

I don't want to hear anymore about

little Tony. I'm putting a stop to

this before you learn any more weird

things from him. What the why? Because

I don't want any son of mine

turning British. Come again, Governor.

That's it. I forbid you to. Him

ever again. Now you can't

tell me who to be friends with. This is

America, and if I want to be British,

then I'm going to be British.

You're not to see that loutish, unrefined

little George ever again. I don't want

any son of mine driving on the

wrong side of the road.

You vex me, mother. You're a witch.

GONYI ain't got no

other guy.

JONY.

Butterfly.

It tastes like coconut

pie, right? Rainbow wishes

through the Moor. When

we grow up, we

can start some wars.



Hey Tony, you're so fine. You're so fun

and also jazzy. Hey,

Tony. Hey, Georgia,

you're OK. Let's invade Iraq someday,

Georgie. Hey, Georgie.

You defied me, young man. I'm

very disappointed in you. Oh bloody

hell.

But Jeb, I know mom and pop don't care,

but little Tony and I worked real hard on

our cheer type routine. It mean a lot if

you could be there. Jeb will be there

because he's actually on the football

team. He's everything a mother could ask

for in his son.

He's just icing his hamstrings now. If

you're really going to get out there and

show your tape spirit, make sure it's for

the right tape, not those crumpet biting,

queen loving tunnel riders.

Uh, this work is hard, little Barack.

When do we get to the fun part? The fun

parts? When we finish and give it to a

single mother who needs it. So what's a

scam? Are we skimming off the top? No.

We're building a house for a single

mother who needs it. I get it. Tax

evasion? No. Oh, we're channeling the

contracts. So your friend's company? No.

No, it's not a secret dungeon where we

force single mothers to fight to the

death for our amusement. We're just doing

it because it's the right thing to do.

I'm going to go get the rest of the

paint. You guys finish up.

Are you ready to go mental for your

awesome cheer team? We are the Coalition

of the Thrilling.

Come on, you guys get into it.

Let's roll, let's roll, let's roll out

the voice. Say, is it hot in here or

is it just us?

Oh God Bar, you've been right all along.

I'm going to have to do the only sensible

thing. Commence Operation Tranquilize

everybody who saw my son do all that g*y

stuff.

Go.

Oh great, I got bar 2. Sorry Sir, I

thought she was a polar bear that got

loose from the zoo.

What is going on? The house is on

fire. What the hell happened? We burned

it down like you wanted. What? I didn't

say to burn it down. You did. You

said it's not for tax evasion, corporate

cronyism or unwed mother death sports. So

we figured all that was left was

insurance fraud. I said it was for poor

mothers. You were serious about that?

Yes, I was. Oh, well, you can give

your share to poor people. We bought

scooters. See, you

losers. How could you pop? Now

there's no one left awake to see my big

routine. You're a big ruiner. You ruined

everything. You must hate me. Oh, no,

Sir. I did it because I love you. Really.

You did all this for me? Wow. Is this

even legal? Oh, well, sure it is, son.

See, there's a little no provision of the

Patriot Act giving the executive branch

full tranquilizing authority. I now pull

up a thigh. We have to talk. I see your

mother and I have been afraid that

cheerleading might well, it might turn

you g*y. g*y. I'm not g*y. I like little

lore. Geez, Pop, you're the one who

married a dude. Isn't that g*y? Well,

your mother's not a man. She's a

collection of reanimated ex presidential

body parts with female sex organs sewn

on. I guess I have a lot to learn about

love. Hop Hop. Now how did you know mom

was the one? Oh, son, I remember the

first time we set eyes on each other.

Yeah, I knew at first sight.

Before I knew it, I was hooked.

And I knew it wasn't normal. Oh yeah.

So I I did the only thing I could.

The head was everything I logged for.

Unfortunately, the body left something to

be desired, namely boobs. Well, luckily

nearby was the grave of William Howard

Taft, who not only had tremendous tatas

but also excellent birthing hips. And

just so it wasn't freaky, I dug up

Betsy Ross and harvested her lady parts

as God would have wanted.

I cannot tell a lie. I was not expecting

this. Oh, George.

Wow, wow, Pop. That's really ****** **.

Yeah, I've done some weird **** in my

life.

Hi, little George. Hi, Mr. Bush. Hey,

where you guys been? It doesn't matter.

It hasn't been the same without you.

Little George. We missed you. Yeah, I

missed you guys too. That little Tony kid

was starting to creep me out. I could

never understand what he was saying with

all that ***** ***** ***** ***** Ching

type stuff. It's weird. What are you guys

doing anyway? Well, see, Pop was telling

me about how I'm not g*y and all. Ram,

Ram, ***** ******** around. Well, that's

right, little Cheney. The majority of

voters think being g*y is. So we do

too. That's because values matter, right

Pop? That's right, son, every four years.

What would the founding father say if

they could see us now? I guess I would

say I love you, George.

Hello, we've had a lot of fun tonight

joking around about being g*y. But

h*m* is no laughing matter. This

horrible, unnatural affliction has

claimed the lives of some of our most

fashionable boys. Many don't even know

they should be ashamed of their freaky

disease. I see h*m* think they're

just having fun, whether they get

stylish, lost, raising happy, well

adjusted children, being sexually

satisfied beyond their wildest dreams.

And in the Southwest, collecting

turquoise jewelry is disgusting. A Polls

show that at least 51%. You agree, so

do the right thing, go down to your local

cemetery and harvest yourself some lady

parks, then sew them on your g*y buddy

pronto. Good night at God Bless America.

All right g*ng, See if you can spot the

ill*gal alien during this commercial

break. Tonight's episode the

one where I get an awesome tab.

Good morning, Fishy. See, I call you

Fishy because you're a fish. A good one,

Georgie. See, I'll call you Georgia

because you're George. It

looks like Fishy sleeps with the fishies.

Well, one less dumb chore I got to

do. Hey ma, get the shovel. Fishies dead.

Rest in peace, fishy mom pop. Why does

God take on my pets? Well, God works

in mysterious ways only known to

Republicans. Well, Adam, the fact that

you never feed the damn things. George,

tell him what we talked about. Well,

we've decided that if you don't do your

chores, I'll have to use my power as

president to cancel Martin Luther King

Day for everybody. Then you'll have to go

to school on Monday and explain to every

kid in the nation that you don't want to

do your chores. Ohh, nuts. This is the

greatest injustice any American has ever

suffered.

I'm sick of being made to do a bunch of

menial work that no one wants to do. Take

out the trash, walk my brother, wash the

dishes, ram around this pant hands. Yeah,

tour stick. Well, at least your parents

don't make you take piano lessons every

day. They make me dress up and play

recitals for all their friends. My dad

makes me pick out the cigar he's gonna

burn me with. Says it builds character.

Grow a pair of go. And another thing, if

I don't do matures, my dad is going to

cancel MLK Day. I know I was looking

forward to sitting around all day

drinking milk. George, MLK Day is not

about drinking milk. Staying at woman, We

could argue about the true meaning of MLK

Day forever. The point is, we don't know.

No one does. So let's focus on the

problem at hand. We have to find a way

around these darn chores so we can drink

that milk. Why don't you just do your

chores? Because it's UN American. Wait a

minute. If it's so UN American, what?Why

don't we get an unamerican to do it? What

do you mean? I don't know my whole policy

yet. It's just a big jumble of ideas

hurting in my head. All I know is we got

to act now. You guys got your bikes. You

know I love to ride a bike. It's like a

car without the sides. Yeah. Yeah.

Aloha on Americans. Now we need someone

to do all the jobs we don't want

to do. I'll take you. And you're

going to be my temporary guess worker. I

will compassionately hire you for a

period of three years of hard back

breaking labor. Of course, there will be

a fee for accepting the job, as well as

fees for your room board and a small

penalty for whenever you say something I

don't understand. No, Comprendo. OK,

that's nickel. OK. OK, look, I speak

perfect English. Back in my country, I

was a chemical engineer. But The thing

is, here, I can actually make more money

doing manual labor. Slow down, Rico.

Suave. This ain't Telemundo. You talking

English here, Capiche? Maybe you don't

know English because that did not make

any sense. All right, that's a quarter.

Now get on that bike and start pedaling

before I build a wall and put you behind

it.



Mexican.

Mexican.



Now, little George, have you really

finished all your chores? Doing it right

now, Pop.

What's the little brown one doing with my

dainties blah blah something or other.

He's doing all the chores I don't want to

do. He works for less than minimum wage

and if he complaints I'll kick him out of

the country. Now all I gotta do is sit

here and work on my tan. Well, he is

learning about the economy and the chores

are getting done. Plus with all the

gibber she says at this point. He owes

me money. He's the best invention since

they started frosting pop tarts. Wow. Can

I keep him please, please, please.

OK, as long as you promise to take good

care of him, I will. I will, I promise.

Rest in peace little brown friend. Your

mother and I are very disappointed with

you, young man. Short pup. I should have

hired a Mexican nanny to take care of my

Mexican worker. Mexicans, they're

America's greatest resource.

That's good. Happy MLK Day everybody. It

does about the good.

And now a post show press conference with

Little George. Isn't your immigration

policy r*cist? Look, I don't care if

you're brown mocha, beige, caramel, burnt

umber or a deep chocolate. You're all

welcome to do the work us white people

don't want to do. That still seems

r*cist. I don't know if you know this,

but my friend is Alberto Gonzalez

Gonzalez. That's as Mexican as a donkey

in a sombrero playing La Cucaracha and a

bean field. Well, I'd like to end with a

little Mexican ease. Adios gazebos.

I believe that every g*y person should

have the same rights as every other g*y

person. So wait, you think g*y people

should be second class citizens and the

rest of us are first class citizens?

Well, hang on there. I didn't say that.

Let me tell you how this plane called

America works. My family's flying it. A

first class is all our friends. And then

there's business class. It's like

Congress. Then everyone else is in the

back of the plane flying economy. Now

that's where you are. The g*y people are

handing out peanuts and yamming on about

buckling your seatbelts.