01x05 - Evolution / Press Corps Dinner

[bunniefuu]

These Transformers got nothing on me. Can

they transform A surplus into a debt? A

loss? Election into a win? Scooters sale

time into vacation time? Hell no. Who's

the transformer now?

Tonight's episode, the one where we all

get free candy.

Hey, little Cheney, what kind of

milk are you drinking? Some kind

of giant milk? Awesome blossom around?

I thought we were going to study for a

big test on evolution. Go ahead, Little

condi evolutis. All right. True or false?

Man? Descended from apes. Apes. Are you

saying I was a monkey? According to the

theory of evolution, all of us descended

from apes. If I'm a monkey, how come I

don't spend my day flinging poo at you?

What about last Tuesday, Little George?

Tuesday. I was flinging poo at everybody.

But the point is, all this learning stuff

is hard. I don't know how those monkeys

do it. Maybe the reason Little George

doesn't get evolution. Is because he

hasn't evolved yet.

She I probably would have gotten your

joke if I didn't fall asleep the second

you started talking. My voice isn't that.

Little George, how are you going to pass

the test? See, little chain is going to

feed me the answer through this tiny near

invisible transmitter. Now come

on little Chaney, we got to undisclose

you into a location.

And there's got to be the perfect hiding

spot around here somewhere. Well, how'd

you get in there, David Blaine? Around,

around.

And what the hell was that? Was that an

answer? Are you eating some candy? Really

satisfied around?All right, what's next,

little Cheney?Hello.

Heart attack. Massive

heart. Tech All

right, now what's the name of

Darwin's boat 911, of course. When

in doubt, hide behind 9/11.

Go **** yourself. Run.

And we got to get him out of there. Do

you have another dollar? I I can't get

this one to work.

Yay.

I'm afraid he's dead. I can only

assume he's in a better place.

What's

the

double

hockey

stick?Hey

you, you're not supposed to be enjoying

this.

Remember our cannonball?

Oh, little George, it's OK to be

upset. Everyone needs an appropriate

period of mourning. All right,

pancakes are ready. Morning done. I put

butter crosses on them because it's

Sunday cool and the syrup can be the

delicious blood of Christ. I tell you,

I'm so steamed at little George right

now. If I had clams in my pockets, they'd

be ready to eat a bar. Have you seen

these grades? I talked to his teacher and

she said given the fact that his little

friends withered, black heart blew up,

she's willing to let him take the test

again. What again you don't understand

with that little training? I can't.

That's enough, young man. You will study

like. Everyone else and pass that test.

Oh nuts. Now mop up all that blood of

Christ. It's almost time for church.

OK, I know you're excited right now, but

despite what my good friend Pat Benatar,

I tell you.

Yes, that's a painting by Thomas Kincaid.

He did all the artwork here. Yes, it is

a good song. We own the rights to

everything in the American Idol.

Contestants do. But no, no, this is your

concern as you will scramble.

Your days roasting on Islamistic

observance.

And to keep you on your toes, I will

occasionally stop by to painfully stab

you with my pitchfork like this.

Ram around the restaurant.

Oh, I see. That is more effective.

OK, OK, that's quite enough. I think I'm

going to be sick.

Which is why the idea of man evolving

is foster. Oh, wait a minute, you're in

a dress. You say something about

evolution. I said that God is the one

and only creator of man, and anything

else you learned in school is complete.

I knew it. Jaw hooey,

now I don't have to take

that stupid test, but hey, it's

that guy. Cheesy tall? No little

George. Are you the other guy

from ZZ Top? No George, I'm

God. Oh, I'll call

you Gotti. It's easy to remember for me.

Listen, I've come to make sure that you

understand my message. I heard you loud

and clear, Gotti. This preacher has been

spreading your message of love. No gays,

no ab*rtion, no stem cell research, no

bid contracts, and most importantly, no

learning. And that's not exactly it. It's

about loving thy neighbor, not k*lling.

Slow down, oh fatherly guy. I get it. As

long as I blindly follow you, then I

don't have to know anything. You can go

now. You got legs. You know how to use

them. You need to learn about forgiving

your enemy. Kindness to your.

Please just read this book, George. I

don't read nothing unless it's got a pet

goat in it. All right, fine. All you

really have to know are these 10

commandments. How about 6? We're really

pretty set on all 10. I'll go to 8

because I like it. I

don't party too hard, Gigi. I got to get

back to not learning anything.

I hope you're ready for the makeup test,

little George. I don't need to take it. I

got born again. Turns out evolution is

hooey. You see, I'm blindly following

something I barely understand. What are

you talking about, little George? The

good news, friends, this thing is like a

handbook for not having to know anything.

That book says we don't have to learn

about evolution. Probably read it

yourself. Or if you don't want to waste

your time reading, take my word for it. I

did. Me too. I'm born again. Hold on.

The science on evolution is sound.

Science isn't a fact, that's why it's

called science fiction, not science

faction. I mean who knows if evolution is

real or not? Well we all do, sure,

but isn't it easier if it doesn't exist?

I mean one less test right?

Now you can sit here and learn stuff all

day, or you can follow the word of the

Bible and come get some tacos with me and

what you're going to be.

Too much.

He's a solution. You got it.

I'm down with the GO double D.





F for faith, I'll happily take it.

Little Cheney Listen, this isn't going to

be easy. Look, you've got a lot of fresh,

hip ideas, but I'm pretty content with

the way hell is running. You know, for

millions of years people have suffered

here happily. I know

you like it here, but this whole eternity

in hell together thing isn't really

working out for me, you know? I need my

space. I'd like it if we could still be

friends though. No,

you're trying hard enough and you're very

evil. Well, it's not that. It's me. What

do you say I send you back to

Earth and give you another chance of life

around? No, I'm afraid it's not really

your choice. Oh, you little *******.

Richard. Mr. Rogers, help me grab him.

I believe this funeral is the time and

place to talk about this young man. Now

how could you go and get another F after

we gave you a second chance?

God told me too. Look, George, he's

justifying his. Selfish actions with

religion, they grow up so fast.

Hold on, I've heard just about enough,

little George. Just because you say you

believe in me doesn't mean you can go

around acting like a complete moron. Your

work. You're done, Gotti.

Remember a happy Easter Ram around? Looks

like there's going to be two more weeks

of spring.

Ram, I smell your fear.

Whoa. Suddenly got very cold in here. I

think I'll go get my jacket back in the

old Godmobile. Hey Bob, we're little

****** back. I don't need to hide behind

the Bible. I can go back to getting sees

the old fashioned way. Studying. Oh no, a

treating with little Cheney.

Things really do have a way of working

out when you go with God.

Oh, let's get out of here, Dusty. I can't

stand these religious nuts.

All right, kids, stay tuned for these

commercials from my giant corporate

cronies. Tonight's

episode, the one where I totally cracked

myself up.

So does anyone have any big plans this

Friday night? My dad says he's going to

chain me to the radiator and throw beer

cans at me all weekend. That's what you

do every weekend, little rummy. I have

two tickets to see the Passion of the

Little Christ. Now why you need two seats

for one? But you got to think stuff

through, Condi. It's like the little Dems

over there all dressed for baseball but

they're eating lunch. Doesn't make any

sense, little George. They were playing

baseball last. Bunch of Major League

********. Good one.

Whaaaaaaaaa. What? What's so far?You made

a joke. Oh, yeah, I'm hilarious. Ram

around regular Dame Cook Ram. Yeah,

hilarious to your cronies. Or should I

say, you're phonies. Bingo. Oh, my sides

are hurting, Little George. You need to

make a comeback. It's the law of the

playground. How many

little dams does it take to screw in a

light bulb? Well, typically when a light

bulb burns out, we'll call a meeting to

discuss the root causes. Wrong. The

answer is 0 because you're all Major

League ********. On fire, little George.

Was that the punchline that didn't even

make sense. Nevertheless, we should play

it safe. Let's all stick together in

case a light bulb does blow out.

Sir, we need to talk about the press

corps dinner. It's just a few days away.

I hate that thing. The whole town

roasting me, that's always a disaster.

You remember last year with Bob Newhart

and his filthy race baiting comedy? Oh,

don't worry. I think you're really going

to like our opening act. Say hello to Mr.

George Herbert Walker Bush.

My fellow Americans, thousand points of

life. I'm George HW Bush, an

impersonator. Well, if that ain't the

darndest that that sure is a knee

slapper. You know, I I love saltines.

They're they're a kinder, gentler

cr*cker. Crunch, crunch, crunch. Okay,

okay, let's keep it clean. Mr. I'm a

good sport, but where I grew up, you

don't make fun of a man's cr*cker.

Yes, Sir. Of course, this President. So

he'll open, but unfortunately we can't

get the headliner you want. You

can't get Earnest. Oh, what's his excuse

this time? Now every time we try to book

him, he's either gone to camp or jail or

just out saving Christmas. Actually, he's

dead final earnest. I'm sure he'll find a

wacky way out of that one. So does anyone

have any ideas? We need someone risky yet

safe. Edgy, but adorable. Bye everybody.

I got this awesome joke. What

do you call Democrats playing baseball?

Major League ********.

He's hilarious and adorable.

Wow, wow, wow, regular game cook. This

could be our big break, Little George.

How would you feel about being the

headliner at the press corps dinner? How

do I feel? Nepo tastic.

Hey, Ma pops going to let me speak and

it's big press corps dinner. You'll do

great, boy, A bar. I'm about ready for

seconds on this broccoli. You are usually

you won't touch it. Well, I I like a

bold vegetable. What the Well, that's

that's the impersonator. He's eating my

food. I don't eat the meatloaf, Mr.

President. But wouldn't be prudent.

I see that's that's very good. Now you

had your fun. Now make like a tree and

leave.

I get it, tree leaves. How does he do

it? Oh man, I got my work cut out

for me.

Hey, save our How about you

show me those bunker Busters? Aren't

you frisky tonight? It's not even

Presidents Day. Come on, shake up.

You won't break them. I don't

see the harm. Swing low, sweet

Chariots. You know it's George.

But then who's read my lips?

Yeah, again. Oh, my, Sir. First you came

into my home and made fun of my saltines

and then and ate my dinner. And now

that's. Well, that's strike three, Mr.

And that means you got one out. Now we

have a three ounce policy in this house,

so you got six more strikes to go. You're

on very thin ice. Yes, Sir. Yes, Mr.

President. Well, do you want to finish

what he started? Oh, for heaven's sake,

bar, save it for President's Day.

Are you ready for the press corps dinner,

Little George? I was up all night writing

jokes. I'm hilarious. In fact, someday

when I become president, the whole

country will laugh at me. You're so

funny. Yeah, I am. In fact, I think it's

time for a practice run. I'm going to

turn this cafeteria into a lafateria. Ram

around, lol.

Hey everybody, Are you ready to laugh?

Let me tell you about my pop. I don't

want to say he's the best president of

all time. But he is.

Tough crowd. OK, that was a warm up.

What I meant to say was so I'm

dating again and my dad is Major League

awesome. You suck. Hey, I

don't come to the table you stand on and

knock the go gurt out of your mouth.

Looks like his daddy couldn't buy him a

sense of humor.

You're choking harder than you did on

that pretzel. That

tables not Iraq. Why you got a b*mb on it?

What's wrong with you people? Everybody.

Say something funny, Everybody.

Everybody. Dang

it.

Hey, dweebs, what are you doing here? I

got some more lame jokes. All right,

look, I admit it. You guys out funny to

me. Woo Hoo. But now it's time to work

together by having you write all my

material in a bipartisan way that only

benefits me. Why would we want to help

you? You're always so mean to us. Because

you guys are big, sappy do gooders who

will help anyone looking for a handout,

That's why. We should help

him. Yeah. Great. Now listen. I don't

know what happened back at the cafeteria

today. They usually when I tell a joke,

everybody laughs. No, only your cronies

laugh. No one else thinks you're funny.

Really. Look, what's really funny is the

truth. Like, what's something about your

dad? Well, my pops are real uniter. Yeah,

he's a real uniter, all right. He united

the entire Middle East against us.

So to have a funny speech, I have to talk

about those funny little things that

makes us Bushes so special. Right now,

you're getting it. Oh, Nancy, I could

kiss you, but your face makes me sick.

This is great stuff, guys. Keep feeding

me. Come on.

OK, the impersonators on next. No, no,

he's not. So yeah, I cancel him. He was

really starting to creep everyone out.

Well then you're up, kid. Let's get ready

to ramble now please put your hands

together for. Little George.

Thank you. Thank you, everybody. You

know, me and my pop go way back. I

remember the night he got elected. We

went to Arlington Cemetery and listened

to the founding fathers turning their

graves. You know,

last Halloween my mom dressed up as an

Arab sheikh's ***. It's the first time

she's been kissed in years.

Oh, George, this isn't right. Well, let's

hear about Barr. Say I tell you my dad's

only interests are oil interests. I mean,

this guy's hands would be black if they

weren't covered in blood, my right

people. So let's hear it for

the man who taught me that the

Constitution is a great thing, a great

thing to wipe your butt with. Come on up

here, pops. Come on. I've had

enough.

A fall again while laughter.

I thought he was going to be angry.

He really opened my eyes. Son, you know,

it's time I changed my ways. Starting

immediately. We're we're pulling all the

troops out of the Middle East, Huh. That

doesn't sound too bushy. And using all

those billions of dollars to provide

universal healthcare and free college for

everyone. OK, something's not right here.

What's that? Jeb? Damn. Tied up where?

The impersonator is at it again. A good

boy, Jeb. I'll take it from here. Chicken

and every pot and two ab*rtion for every

teenage girl. Sorry, George Herbert

Faker, you're about to get Bush wet.

Nice detective work, Bushy. Jeb Help,

too. How? As for you, that's your

last strike. Inning's over. Oh, so I

only have eight more innings? Well,

usually, yes, but this game's been

called. On account of pain.

Oh yeah, take them away, boys.

Oh, now you know son, you said some

horrible things up there just to make

yourself look better. Oh, are you mad,

Pop? What for you as one of your old bad

tricks? Oh, I've never been more proud of

you, boy.

See you next week, watches Wink.

When Cheney died, how did you feel? Well,

I went through the classic 7 stages of

grief, denial, anger, bargaining, grumpy

gaseous purple marinade rocket ship

monster attacking small Japanese village

had with a propeller on top. Do you

realize you're making no sense? Yeah, I'm

in the fourth stage of grave babbling. I

like it here. I think I want to stay. Do

you know if Lil Cheney plans to return to

hell in the near future? Well, I think of

little Cheney. We're standing here right

now. He's saying rah rah, rah, rah, rah,

rah rah, rah rah. Well, thank you. No

more. Questions.