01x07 - Son of Sammy

[bunniefuu]

here let me give you a hand no really mr blake i've got it are you sure you know my last a sunburned inner thigh is

nothing to sneeze at yeah i'll be sure to pay extra attention to that area yes you and me both sister

are you sure you want to show off that bod in front of a girl me look at you with those pin legs that bulbous red

nose with more dings on it than a titleist that eroding peninsula you call a hairline and you want to know the good news this is where you're headed buddy

it's in the jeans those hairs in your head are writing suicide notes as we speak welcome to hell

he's the wind beneath my wings

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low five

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low five

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here it is i found it here ah good shot good shot i'm in the woods todd at least you're

not in the trap well at least you're not in the woods

look at the duke of hazards hey how come we're not having as much

fun as they are you shut up

little firm there todd duke of hazards this is all your fault what that you suck you know i can't

focus when sammy's around why did you invite him uh we invited you sammy and i play all the time exactly roommates golf

buddies what's next conversation you like him don't you look just for giddy's our dad god knows he did makes it easier

to think of him as just a buddy buddy well that is rich

yes great shot turn low five oh god

you know sammy was just saying how he wanted to spend some more time with you like i care

he he said that i didn't say that that was a year old pile of scotch lucky

sponge look who's talking listen gary would never admit it but he really needs some time with you that's nice but i've already made plans this weekend i'm

never spending a week in a garry's pilar squeeze that into a class for me poor favor sam i'm serious it's time you two work

this stuff out you're right how much is it worth to you no no absolutely not i'm not paying you to hang out with your own son we're

talking about gary five grand and a trip to vegas tempting actually i prefer laughlin

okay laughlin and . deal oh damn the hole that town has on me

hello who's there i can't hear you breathing honey is that crank caller

i'm glad you called listen closely

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your call waiting is a mother sammy is that you manny island you hello hold on i gotta switch ears to the good

one what do you want kiss laughlin goodbye in . son please let me come over i want

to stay with you so bad i'm just an old man crying get a load of this sami's crying and

going on about spending time with me this weekend what a what a wacko huh four three waves lots of fun goodbye i'm

begging you gary please the clock's ticking on our lives now he's begging it's in the bag like i

would let that man waltz back into my life there's no way i would would i why not why not now now you're talking crazy

crazy hell yes we'll barbecue they'll plump when we cook them gary listen to yourself you know you want this it's

okay to want a relationship with your father not if your father is sammy oh gary i love you but i am so tired of

having this conversation sammy screwed us yes dear sammy abandon us oh you are so right dear well you know what sammy

wants to come over and get to know his oldest son deal with it and finally in third place sugar cube palace

and to celebrate father's day let's get the dads up here to join our three junior finalists

[Applause]

enough badgering woman if that's what it takes to get you off my back okay fine i'll do it okay sammy you've got yourself a date oh laughlin i hear your

sweet call that in a piercing deafening ring what are you doing in that part of town they're fumigating my apartment

it's not as bad as it sounds was that a g*nsh*t yeah but i think it was friendly fire

i would have stayed at my boyfriend's but uh well nelson and me that's all over oh i'm sorry to hear that no i'm not

why don't i never stay in the guesthouse with me i got beanbag chairs up the butt make yourself at home i got to take sammy to gary's you gotta catch me first

look at me right oh man i gotta lay off the tip orillos

let me get this straight i gotta go to gary's and you get to stay here and put the moves on kathy sammy please come on she's my assistant hey call her an

astronaut you still want a jumper sammy knows these things whatever all right let's go over this one more time yeah

my what a lovely home you have gee this meal is delectable

wow you're dry wit really cracks me up good and tell me more about

accounting okay this one will go here no no no here and this baby

right here perfect look dad i found your house made of sugar palace it's called a sugar cube palace wiley

there she is oh sammy's gonna love that don't you think it is pretty okay have fun this house looks a little snug oh this

coming from a guy who used to live in his trunk three short weeks it was okay i had a walkman get out i don't feel so

good son

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dead man walking what's it nothing i'm just a squirrel i can't talk what should i do i don't know

open the door oh hey dad my what a lovely home you have

gee this meal is how the hell was it where's the chinese kitty's fun

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how do you like your burger sammy to go huh it's remarkable how you've kept your figure after giving birth to little wiley come on sammy you know he's

adopted and that's nothing to be ashamed of son you're all man here's your cold one grandpa hey little wiley

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hey hey wily tell sammy about your report in school listen to this sammy i'm doing a report on the person i admire most and he picked me that part

was daddy's idea an involved parent always helps his children with their homework sure words were never spoken remember when i helped you with your

presentation and this is how my dad says babies are made i don't know how i'm not going to pay

for this pizza mrs norris died sammy terms of

enrirement was a heart stopper what's this you're a boy's underwear model that's so cute uh it was four

years ago no seriously hey you want some ice cream sure what do you want no no i'll get it you know what if i'm not mistaken i think we just had

our first non-business related conversation yeah and if anybody finds out about the underwear thing you're fired and look at this you actually

serving me for a change you're right this is out of control no no no i'm enjoying our little freaky

friday here try some of mine excluding the mating ritual the male lion shows very little interest in the female and has absolutely nothing to do

with the rearing of its offspring see that's enough tv let's talk what do you want to talk about

um here's one what was i like when i was a little kid oh yes you're always putting on all those

little skits you made us laugh you were a funny child um that was james yeah well you were always good with your hands

building and sanding things todd that was todd my name is gary gary joseph blake joseph

oh right i knew that one look at this a perfect attendance third grade hands across america t-shirt uh my crossing

guard trophy hey i likey great opener my palace my beer

that's it he's gone i'm throwing him out on his ear first thing in the morning gary i'm sure he didn't mean to wreck

your sand castle palace sugar cube palace hey gary honey don't take that attitude with me i'm sorry i thought it

would be different this time em i really did but he doesn't even know who i am no he doesn't but would he have come this weekend if he didn't want to at least

meet the man halfway won't you take him out or something meet him on his own turf huh take him out for a beer go to bed wiley

i don't know what to do take him out for a beer so what should we watch i'll watch whatever

you want to watch no really you choose oh you do it thank you mr jamie for so suddenly giving me the weekend off don't mention it pilar i hope your mother gets

better she's been dead for years be strong hello oh hi nelson

i don't want to talk to you when you're like this nelson please stop crying

see what you did sammy

sammy sammy wake up it's just an old man sleeping what are

you doing in bed so early all those games that yahtzee must have tuckered me out look uh i was thinking

that maybe you and i could uh i don't know go out to a bar my treat why didn't you say so

color up i don't know nelson i mean i saw you in bed with her what am i supposed to think

fair enough i accept your criticism oh this dude is going down and like i already punished myself and you know how

hard i could be on me i can't believe this loser ah i believe you nelson no

i love touching your face i miss you so much i really need to be with you right now oh did your mom throw you out of the

house again see you know me so well so what do you say babe can i stay here with you tonight at casa grande

hang on no no no absolutely not can nelson spend the night i was sh jinx

i was just about to say that

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james i'm such a big fan i almost saw all your movie thanks so kathy tells me you're a musician some

say it be like it is but it do right so do you have a record out or anything i might have heard oh nelson doesn't

believe in records really you know i had a cousin who didn't believe in gravity and he's dead now james so jimbo how

does it feel to be a sellout

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samuel titus i'd like you to meet my son a real live movie star in the jet lag how about

that actually i'm an accountant a real live accountant in the jet lag how about that this is my other son gary i never

knew you had another son and tight is he kids because he loves so what's samuel blake's boy having a drink

bourbon straight up did you hear that people my boy ordered bourbon straight up actually titus make it a double a

double you really are my son low five

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hey keep an eye on the drinks i'm gonna hit the crabber so that's a low five slow down gary

no no no no slower not louder then he said you really are my son that's wonderful yeah yeah i can still feel his

hand hitting mine his skin is a lot smoother than i thought it would be well what'd you expect man hasn't seen a day of work in his life

that's funny that's you are so funny emily please take a cab gary rydio hey i better get back to the guys love

yam so i got my movie star son paying me bucks and sending me to laughlin

just for spending the weekend with my other son who's picking up my tab tonight i'm living large and in charge i got it coming and going

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burn me once shame on sammy burn me twice shame on me burn me times and i'm a stupid stupid idiot

how did you not see it coming no one to blame but yourself you're coming to my house you eat my food you abandon my

life well you know what this time i'm mad as hell and i'm not gonna accept it no now you shut up sammy

want some of this eye you want some of this sammy you do don't you

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so

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bring it on hey buddy

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hey what the hell is going on come on james dance with kathy she loves to dance don't you baby you guys the rest of the neighborhood

they're sleeping here's something let's pretend you're in a movie james dances with kathy

action i don't think so yeah james doesn't like to dance no no i'll dance oh hey why on the bed

something bugging you you know if i didn't open now that oh mary had a little lamb all right that's it you've awakened the

bear note to self don't make bear noise it

hurts you're going down dad

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they're pretty lazy i haven't seen you here before what are you drinking we gotta tap

they burn they burn just like my eyes did every night as i cried myself to sleep

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they literally know me

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[Applause]

yes

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excuse me lunatic out of the way

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wow first a non-business related conversation and now a slow dance this has been some weekend sure has this is nice

yeah you're nice to let nelson stay here no no he's he's great so what's with you and him what do you mean i'm just saying

he takes complete advantage of you he comes in and out of your life whenever he wants he sponges off you and he's about as considered as the plague and you love the guy kind of like you and

sammy you can choose your boyfriend i can't choose my dad i think you can do better i don't know if nelson gets how gorgeous bright and funny and

great you are really i'm going to the desert who's coming cathy what say you uh

i guess that's my girl uh so james again i would like to thank

you on on behalf of both now right uh kathy okay i'll see you at work on monday work god james

you crack me up did you mean it when you said i was funny yeah yeah yeah i did

nelson wait up

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hey i was looking for you pal dirty fiona was feeling frisky it was belly shots galore

what's with all the ruckus and bad vibes i don't know sammy why don't you ask your movie star son who pays you to hang

out with your accountant son yes well look buddy jamie may have paid me to hang out with you but the truth is i had

a great time in fact i'd do it all again for free don't tell your brother really you had a

great time with me absolutely you know i just came into a trip to laughlin so what do you say pal you up

for a road trip a little father-son outing

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