01x11 - Mark's 40th

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

okay psy you had the buddy heck it on rye lou had the gym carry with soup and mel you ordered a mock jacobs who's mark

jacobs you never heard of marc jacobs isn't he [ __ ] man's agent i thought he was jaime blake's agent jamie blake is

[ __ ] man no jamie blake played that fruity guy on hey rachel it's hey rebecca and he does both ah

i remember marc jacobs isn't he the one who always says who's the greatest agent in the world

[Laughter]

are you finished because i got the greatest marc jacobs story ever this is the one where he and jamie blake called it quits

got a few minutes because this might take a while it all started the week marc jacobs turned . joyous joyous day

of birth we are smiling on this day peace out hey that wasn't happy birthday yeah and you're not .

[Music]

low

[Music]

low five

[Music]

so where was i jamie blake's agent mark jacobs has just celebrated his th birthday all alone so one night mark and

james are at this charity event how old do i look mark who wins with these questions oh my god david duchovny's coming over

here pretend like nothing's wrong hey blake what's up dekov not much have you ever nailed that sitcom girl you do the show with well you know she's really to

herself and that's a no you poor b*stard staring at that all day

[Laughter]

staring at that oh oh this is my agent mark jacobs oh nice to meet you anyone can get this no

talent a gig must be pretty good well david i see myself as a farmer i

grow fame i plant my little seed water it with publicity and when the time is right i sell my seed to the highest

bidder you lost me after farmer listen i'm thinking about changing my representation maybe we should talk i can do that see you at the basketball

game see you scully well well well now how old do i look huh

meanwhile james's father sammy is also at the party working a little business of his own and her name was lauren lange

samuel blake maybe you've heard of the a mentioned so what is it you do my dear i'm an agent

what a noble profession i myself am a producer in fact i produced a little number you may have heard of jamie blake

interesting you know i'm always looking for a little new talent well he's little he's not so new

and his talent is a five-hour debate so is james blake satisfied with his current representation we can all be

happier honey the question is are you satisfied perhaps with a new client i could be perhaps a pleasurable partnership might

mutually benefit all said involved parties perhaps right hey just so i'm clear if i get him to

dump his agent and go with you then you and me do it right right innuendo i like you

anyway jacobs is like a dog with a bone over this duchovny thing he thinks if he could land another big named client he

still got it you see that's why i only take . now here's how i came up with that figure mark can't just wait until later

damn it hey that was his i thought i told you not to bother him with this right now you can count on me

that's it david good d good d bear down eyes at the tiger hit the boards by now jacobs wants the company so bad he can

taste it all he needs is james's endorsement david's gonna sign with you well it's not officially official i still need you to build me up you know

shout it from the mountaintop look dave and i are friends i'm not comfortable doing this well i'm not comfortable wearing a cup but i do

[Music]

get away from me i think i can feel your cup take five while i talk on speaker

hey hey david it's james hey blake you're blowing it david can you hold on one second

you know what james i'm just gonna wait out here what james doesn't know is that his old man sammy is hearing everything so

anyway mark asked me to give you a call i don't know james he seems a little weird yeah well he is weird he's definitely weird i mean i don't mind weird as long

as he's good look all i know is he works for me but don't do it if you're not comfortable all right i hear you thanks man i'll think about it

okay what did you say no wait wait wait what did he say and then what did you say back calm down mark i said you were great and he said he's gonna think about

it oh well that could be good relax you're starting to scare me

jacobs come here is there something wrong between you and jamie no why well i happen to have just

overheard a certain phone call you did what did he say well you know me i i don't like to get in the middle of these

things tell me old man easy buddy all i heard was he's weird he works for me

don't do it oh my god but you didn't hear it from me i'm weird that's your idea of an endorsement you

were listening sammy told me i said you didn't hear it from me jeez that was fast sammy

good buddy now you listen to me missy you're gonna call duke coveney back and tell him marc jacobs is the greatest agent in the world ever hey mark here's

an idea let's reschedule your little freak out hey look i didn't work for you this long to be treated like this okay and you know what fyi i don't work for

you i work for marc jacobs entertainment okay that's right i work for the man and who's the man i am you got it uh how old

are you ten i wish listen i'll tell you how old i am okay i am quit

okay i quit that's how old i am wait what lauren our little plan is in full swing

[Music]

now where were we so now jacobs has duchovny in his sights and believe me he ain't letting up creamed corn ah good

choice hi mark david oh what a clinky dink i follow you here and here we are right

so i was wondering if you've given my offer to be your agent anymore thought yeah i have i have the answer is no mark and it's getting deeper and deeper into

no i barely remember contemplating yes i get it playing hard to get gotcha well two can play that game mister

idea so we meet again

who's following who now huh listen mark i think you're really you're you're a nice guy but i'm not signing with you i can't make this any

clearer no comprende mark please man have some dignity dignity is a luxury i can ill afford at this juncture

david duchovny how old do you think i am i'm gonna hit you

i'm gonna take this can of cream corn i'm gonna hit you with it if that's what it takes

so by this time jamie's starting to see how much mark actually did for him did you find those contracts kathy no not yet ah

keep looking this is not my job james this is your agent's job he'll be back not if i have anything to do with it what that loon has been leeching off you

all these years and what have you been doing sammy leeching but i do with love james just call mark i wouldn't do it

jamie call him i don't think this is one of his normal freakouts james i don't know hey i know why don't you go talk to him

[Music]

is good yeah very good this will be a good call

hey leave a message and don't be a smart a*s hey it's me marc jacobs listen listen i'm uh still thinking about us uh

thinking about that creamed corn again good choice uh good choice okay i'm hanging up now and remember

this is the last chance that you have for me to represent you okay second to last uh but seriously uh goodbye

there you go just hang it up you can do it come on who's the greatest hater in the world

you are mark jacobs god give me strength hang it up

hang up phone hang up oh god i'm living in a world of crap

mark jacobs entertainment mark jacob speaking oh it's you are you okay yes of course why wouldn't

i be okay i don't know your place is a mess you're shuffling around in a bathrobe like an old man okay i think what you meant to say was

shuffling around like a young man in fact i just got off the phone with david duchovny so you're going to represent

him as a matter of fact i think not you know with the with the constant phone calls and the the whatnots and the creamed corn and

he's just a little high maintenance really well this whole thing has made me realize something kathy i've been living of someone else's life and no offense

to james his life ain't that great then mark pulls out his crazy to-do list i set out into the world to do the things

on my list and and look how little i've accomplished well no no you've done a lot

you're tall i've done nothing cathy but that's gonna change now i'm going to start living my life so as you can see i

really don't have time to be anybody's agent so mark's got his to-do list and sammy's got his who he wants to do list

i really think i could do some great things for you in fact there's this wonderful project that would be a great

showcase for you it's called stabby stabby k*ll die oh my ears perk up four words jamie two are

the same oscar likes that i propose a toast to the new team of jamie blake and lorne

lang not a finer pairing since dre and snoop with less jail time we hope

you know what i gotta run but i'll be in touch so now james for the first time in his professional life is without an agent

sammy's still trying to get lauren lang between the sheets and we got marc jacobs working his way down that crazy to-do list

there you go storm attaboy we're gonna show the world that you can teach an old dog new tricks

[Music]

believe it or not i'm walking on air i never thought i could feel so freaky

like oh help someone anyone help storm

look i'm sorry i've looked everywhere i don't know where they are go to mark's office and look for the contract i'm not going there alone it's in a really bad neighborhood beverly hills beverly hills

adjacent i'll get my pepper spray so mark's to-do list has been a disaster he's dragging his sorry hiney home when

all of a sudden he gets an idea

[Music]

wow look at this stuff yeah was this room in the movie seven

look at this oh my first mention of variety listen to this james blake signs with marty jacobs

of marty jacobs entertainment i remember this they screwed up his name but he was still really happy for me admit it you miss him uh

come on let's find the contracts so with james too chicken to admit that he misses mark mark is wandering around the hollywood hills like some deranged

animal unbelievable what is it this is a ticket stub from the very first time i performed at the improv i can't believe

he kept it what's that it's a birthday card from his mom oh no his birthday

here's looking at . love mom and dad here's looking at . love mom and dad

so that's why he's been acting like such a freak i mean more than usual ah i gotta talk to him

[Music]

oh yeah and what's the deal with yoda you think a guy with access to the force could do something about his hairline i

mean a comb over something am i right yes yes you are so right

so i loaded up the civic borrowed from my brother gary and drove all night from denver that is so american

but this isn't america james this is hollywood you're gonna need some help uh yeah sure anyway it was nice meeting you mark

but i'm gonna go back to sleep now not here you're not no client of marc jacobs sleeps in his own car client

you heard me

[Music]

night we're gonna be big james big hollywood

kiss my year old butt

[Music]

you i'm the why you're under arrest

[Music]

well well what what happened to mark oh so now you're listening james has lost mark mark has lost his

mind and to boot he just fell off the hollywood sign ha get me off get me off that is certainly

the finest marc jacobs story i have ever heard ah but wait it's not over remember it ain't exactly legal to climb the

hollywood sign and show us your a*s have i mentioned that miss lord lang is the hottest agent in hollywood if i

mention that you're an idiot forget it sammy i can't just sign with anybody can i can i just say one word in defense of

lauren she's got a certain genesecua and by that i mean knockers and how does this help me

all right i didn't want to hit you with this it's bad news and i never like to be the downer but the old man

he's a dying you're not dying i'm dying to see those knockers hello

police you want to talk about it what's to talk about james oh i don't know you being

found hanging upside down with your pants at your ankles on the hollywood sign do you think that's a normal day

is there anything i can do no please tell me what's bothering you okay here it is do you think i have what it takes to be

an agent probably not but that's okay i barely have what it takes to be an actor and i'm doing all right stop the

car what you heard me stop the car come on stop the car and let us never speak again

stupid stupid door mark don't

oh that's gonna leave a bruise hey hey are you okay oh my god i k*lled

my agent i heard you say something as you were running towards me what was it again i can't remember something about you

having k*lled somebody or some such okay i said i k*lled my agent really you mean that of course i mean it does

it hurt only when i laugh and unfortunately i'm sitting next to the funniest guy on the planet i'm referring to you james

you know i remember once i bombed so bad at a corporate gig that there were people that said i'd never work again well space shuttle jokes were a no-no

you just did it too soon tragedy plus time equals the funny that's the equation james yet you always

forget it i know i almost threw in the towel nonsense and you tried to convince everyone that i'd eaten some bad fish so you went

around screaming bad fish bad fish yes james those next few months were

pretty tough but we got through it we did come on let me help you oh watch the ribs

[Music]

tonight wasn't one of my best moments was it no don't take that d*ck off anything so hard you're a great agent you know

truth be told it wasn't really the decony thing that was bothering me yeah what was it well the fact that after all we've been through

you you didn't even remember my surprise oh this is too

i hyperventilating happy birthday mark hb you don't look a day over .

okay that's good ah that's nice that okay that's enough with his midlife crisis behind them mark is back in a big

way within minutes he closes a deal james i'm on fire just closed a deal it's hip it's happening it's fresh it's

now that's the title a tad lengthy no no no no it's called stabby stabby k*ll die

i'm back glad you're back who's the greatest agent in the world

wait a minute so how is this deal better even though the movie bombed stabby stabby k*ll die became the most popular

video game since tekken so so guess who grabbed up the rights to it beforehand mark jacobs

yes and that my friends is why marc jacobs has a sandwich named after him all right who gets the check

he does

[Music]