01x13 - Earthquake

[bunniefuu]

uh you said everyone will be gone by

midnight jamie hump day only rolls around once every week sam hey sammy when we were on the roof of your mansion having sex in your satellite dish excuse

me but you were on my roof having sex in my satellite dish okay you got that

now i want these people out here is that that stalker you were telling me about who thinks he owns your house

just keep nodding and smiling till he's out of sight there we go down your drinking hats kids cause no

one's leaving till they're even i love it

[Music]

low five

[Music]

low five

[Music]

dios mio what happened mr jamie you know who threw a party last night hey

sammy i can't believe you there is a hummer parked on the front lawn willis tide went on and took a cab home bruce

willis was at your party yes why is he famous or something oh no this i can't

not my baseball trophy strike two geez who taught you how to

swing your mom i nailed it look at that ball go way to

go jamie yeah way to hit the ball so hard that it went over the fence there

[Applause]

look at this yeah don't worry about that jamie pilar will clean all this crap up right baby i'm talking about my baseball trophy i've had this since i was eight years

old yeah that's a long time to keep a broken trophy it wasn't broken until you broke it and i got this trophy because i

hit a grand slam homer in the ninth to win a championship game i know i know i was there you kicked a*s no you weren't

yeah i was you hit a grand slam homer in the ninth to win the championship game you weren't there and don't try to tell me you were i was there pal i'm all

about the big game baseball right just admit you weren't there and i'll forget the whole thing but i was there i remember like it was

yesterday there were bats and ba*ls and a home plate the crowd was ornery often differing on who should be awarded the

title uh i can take the parties i can take the boozing and the b*mbos and even the bragging but what i can't take is you pretending that you were there for

me when you weren't come on buddy calm down i haven't seen an overreaction like this since your mother caught me in bed with her yeah pick a name

pilar no not yet but i'm working on it hey boys you guys know where the fridge

is help yourself mikasa uh-huh not this time game over i want you out of here now everybody out why no

no not everyone you get out but pal thursday morning only rolls

around once now pack your stuff and beat it but i'm just beat it

[Music]

oh ryan thank god you're g*y otherwise i'd feel very uncomfortable with you under my skirt adjusting my

slip like that you're telling me i thank god every day for making me as g*y as i am and cut that's lunch everyone

[Music]

well you're in an awfully good mood today i broke up with nelson oh that's nice no no i'm telling you this is it

sure kath uh whatever hey did you guys feel the tumbler last night i'm telling you there's nothing like a tumbler to put things in perspective you quit

saying temblor it was an earthquake all right i prefer tumblr don't know why so you're probably wondering what the big news is no not really i'm getting

married i'm in love there i said it i'm in love that's great mark really yeah who's the

lucky guy oh you still got it jamie seriously mark who is the lucky guy you guys okay look

i'll give you a clue she's a very famous actress very very famous harvey fierstein all right enough oh look here she comes

now i can't see anything that wheelchair van is in the way that's her

[Music]

the old lady in the wheelchair well i prefer to call her my little ray of sunshine but yes the old lady in the wheelchair hi hi

i'm telling you james all the silly love song cliches are true i met her yesterday at will rogers park and we've been together ever since

there she is everybody this is louise peeks well looks like someone's taking a

little nappy nap what what's funny mark she's a hundred i don't get you people if i don't date

girls you get on my case if i do date girls guess what you get on my case i can't win for losing and she can't

breathe without a machine you hush up you're lucky she's not wearing her ear trumpet this lunch is over

[Music]

don't forget to pick up wiley from school okay just another second am this navigation system is going to be great do you realize that i'll have global

positioning satellites tracking my location constantly informing me of the quickest route to my destination look if you want me to draw you a map to wiley's

map we'll never have to buy another map again ah this is the best twelve hundred dollars

we've ever spent emily right how much are maps now cents at least

please input your destination destination destination the palisades pacific palisades turn right at the next

intersection all righty in the next feet turn left to enter

the freeway enter the freeway not the route i would have chosen oh but what the heck

[Music]

mark i don't want you to take this the wrong way but you're not marrying her for money are you of course not please james i can't believe you would even

think such a thing then why are you marrying her she makes me laugh

wish me luck double crosses i feel so free for two years i've been taking nelson's crap giving him my love

and attention not to mention my money but that's it from now on i am only hanging out with people who treat me as

well as i treat them i know how you feel i threw sammy out on his butt this morning wow that's major what did he do

he broke my baseball trophy well i guess it wasn't just the trophy the thing is he said he saw me win it

but he's never seen me win anything he's never been there for me ever but you already knew that yeah and i've actually learned to live with that part but

what's pissing me off is that he outright lied to my face i know all this must sound really petty to you i'm sure if i told you what nelson did you'd find it just as

ridiculous so what do you do slept with my stepmom

[Music]

[Music]

so how about a glass of wine to celebrate our newfound freedom oh sure why not here you go

thanks to dumping nelson to dumping sammy

[Music]

i gotta find nelson i gotta find sammy

make a u-turn at the next intersection in feet turn right

how the heck with this who's doing that who's

shut there shut up oh this is just perfect don't worry

wiley daddy's coming so i've done a lot of thinking after

last night's tumblr a lot of thinking about what's important what is important is it money no

is it fame i don't think so is it having a big shot celebrity client like james blake could be

could be but you know what i think's really important love and i love you louise

now now don't get all bashful on me and i would like to prove that love to

you by asking you to tumblr tumblr

oh my god davey jamie i've got to fight jamie don't worry everything's going to be

fine no one got hurt i think sammy's squashed dead the guest house is all flattened and everything

don't worry todd sammy wasn't in there i kicked him out of the house wow well that was smart of you where do you think

he is i got an idea come on kids what the hell bruce won't mind

oh you're not so smart after all huh jamie looks like dad's dead again

oh it's senseless senseless destruction there goes happy hour grandpa matt you're alive again

it's catastrophes like this that make you appreciate the important things in life like say family not some penny any

nickel plated dime store football trophy although meaningful this isn't the time to do this apology accepted i'm not

apologizing you know what when we get through this you're still leaving but i can't leave now sinkholes may have opened up i'm just an old man in the

city hello yeah yeah we're okay all right we'll be right there that was emily gary never showed up at wiley's

school we got to pick him up are you guys okay white people are looting starbucks nice hummer we're both fine how are you

guys oh things couldn't get any better i can't find gary well look at that things just get better

last time i heard from him he was in south central what is he doing there you know i have it on good authority that south central has its charms and

who said that the late great tupac i feel like i'm driving through the set

of the towering inferno how about the set of earthquake no more inferno wow sunset is always such a pain at this

hour hey isn't that mark hey isn't that bruce willis's hummer oh god mark

jamie thank god i rescued you

excuse me but do you really think that's a good idea i mean hey did you pay for that stop thank you running

oh i see you think hey aren't you people even the least bit ashamed of what you're doing you're stealing do you realize that huh you're taking stuff

that isn't yours i need my briefcase the devastation from what is now unofficially being called a . quake is

widespread but despite that no deaths have been reported hey did you hear that wiley your daddy is most likely still alive

jamie i just want to say that i've learned a lot from this quake yeah and what's that hummers are cool and not only that i've also learned that

life is short and that each moment is precious good to hear but you're still out

oh oh that's gary's car call the radio station and tell him we've got our first casualty maybe we'll win a prize or something there's no one in the car hey

call anyway sammy i'm just saying whoa that store must be having a really

big sale hey look there'd be a crap out of some dorky looking caucasian thing oh my god gary i don't know

have you noticed that there are an awful lot of people that look very much like gary this is insane

i want all of your names ow please watch the feed i've got an ingrown toenail gary granted it may be our gary but to

be on the safe side we really ought to keep looking

[Music]

i'll take care of it james you stay here with the family hey wait just to go star a minute here

okay now that's officially not funny stop it everybody cut it out stop emily

you would check out the mother steward looking ah i do not look like martha stewart come on settle down

[Music]

if everyone could see what they were doing to his car he would freak out is my daddy going to die well it's hard

to tell from here exactly who is the key demographic for man

sammy this is no time to talk box office inner city males to why hey everybody look it's mango man that's

right the real life man jamie blake where say something jamie give him some mango crap oh okay uh

now that is gonna dent my butt that ain't him own it james own it okay okay now that is gonna dent my butt

hey it is man get him in

he's getting away from reel him in buddy

boy i can't believe i outran those guys yeah it probably helped that they were all carrying tvs and stuff we now have one confirmed death from the . quake

that rocked the southland this afternoon silent screen star louise peaks died earlier today from injuries received

during the tumbler what isn't that your ray of sunshine mark let me out let me out

[Music]

[Applause]

kathy what are you doing here nelson and i got in a fight and i jumped out of the car jumped out of a car how fast was it

going i don't know . eh jamie your mother still holds the record at with mary a scratch

a little but no scratchy beef jerky make it last people

thanks for everything jamie yeah what the hell are you thanking him for i'm the one who saved you sorry a*s thanks sammy oh you're welcome

at least one son loves me hey i love you dad make that two and like meatloaf said

two out of three ain't bad do i hear three james i really should be going hold on

listen we should talk about what happened today the earthquake no no actually right before the earthquake oh

that yeah anyway james please you're not gonna say anything i don't already know i'm not we both know it's an impossible

situation and and no matter how much we'd like it to work

[Music]

how is that for you uh good this is very good

you not bad you know once i got past the beef jerky flavor

[Applause]

yeah hi hi uh marc jacobs marc jacobs entertainment you've got to tell me how louise peaks died i'm sorry sir but i really can't you you you

how did she die you don't want to know just tell me did it involve let's say banging her head on a rock and drowning

in a koi pond uh no after you ran away screaming i got her out of the pond

crap she died instantly yes

i didn't k*ll her did you hear that i didn't k*ll her i'm walking on sunshine

and don't feel good ah jamie you know what i love about the a.m it holds the promise of a new day

yes siree a fresh start a new beginning a racing of the past you still gotta go sammy for the hundredth time i was at

this stupid baseball match you see this is why i can't have you living under my roof

[Music]

well i guess this is it goodbye ted oh you know i hate goodbyes actually i did

not know that jamie so long take it easy dad

i nailed it look at that bogo i nailed it look at that ball go

he was there what's that jamie he was there when i won my baseball trophy yeah of course he was you saw him sure he was

hiding under the bleachers so mom won't hit him up for any of that child support money she's always yelling about oh no

hey dad come back sammy