01x04 - Horowitz

[bunniefuu]

DJ and the fro.

[music]

DJ. The fro.

[snorts]

DJ the fro. I have an important business project that I need finished by the end of the day. Dude, I don't have to work today. It's Friday.

We've been through this before. It's called Friday, and it existed before you were born. Anyway, this is a threeperson

job, so I'm teaming you guys up with the new guy, Horowits.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, we don't need any Horowits. DJ and the Fro are a classic duo.

Yeah. Did the Wonder Twins have a third member of their team?

Yes, they had Glee the Space Monkey. So now let Horowitz be your gleak.

Wonder Twin powers activate. Form of a guy who thinks having to work with a new guy is going to suck. Shape of a guy who agrees with you.

No, dude. You're supposed to be made out of water. Otherwise, we'll have to watch this sweet clip from Lefty Lift. Dare left.

Dude, this chick is seriously pissed. They're out of Shark Finn soup. What? You can understand her?

Oh, yeah. My dad is half crazy, [ __ ]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]

Yes, this lady really needs to calm down. She should probably spend a day at the beach.

Yeah, you know what? That's a great idea. I bet some snorkeling would really help her relax. Here

[screaming]

we go again. [laughter] Hey guys, looks like we're working

together. I'm Ari Harwitz. You must be DJ. Keep away from my man, city boy.

Okay, so is there any place I can plug in?

Oh, look at me. I have a portable computer. I can compute wherever I please.

And I'm so hip, I don't need a bill on my baseball hat. It's called a keeper. The new guy's just making up words.

Yeah, well, I can make up words, too.

This is a Florars nib. This is a bee glob. This is a lump I've never noticed until now. Oh, I should get this checked out.

Okay, you know what? This might be easier if I just do all the work myself.

Why don't I get going on the financial modeling while you guys can um watch this awesome new clip Watts just sent us.

Oh, dude, that guy's a riot.

[screaming]

I can totally see why Madonna adopted this kid. [laughter] We keep it gangster. We keep it gangster. We keep it gangster.

I feel like I should ask that kid to buy me beer.

I feel like I should ask him for a cigarette. You don't smoke.

Don't embarrass me in front of the kids, Dee. Yeah, the porno shot to S S S S.

[screaming]

That's good enough.

Scooby doobydoo. Good luck trying to poo because your junk is stuck now.

My reus is stuck in your vag*na.

Wow, I've been doing doggy style all wrong. Yeah.

I have seen far more disgusting things stuck in a vag*na. I was a doula at Melissa River's birth. [laughter] Emily, you pull Revan.

This is like when I go shoplifting at a rumage sale. Someone's junk is about to get ripped off. [laughter]

Stop calling. [screaming] Yeah.

DJ the pro.

So, the files are colorcoded by region and the statements are reconciled in dollars and euros, of course. Oh, Harowitz, you're the jizz.

Yeah. When the three of us get together, we can accomplish miracles. We're like the Holy Trinity. You know what that's like, right, Horowitz?

Right. Well, all that needs to be done now is just to staple the flowcharts to the financials and we're golden.

Can't wait to watch clips while you do that.

Actually, you guys are going to have to finish up. I got to get going.

What? No, it's only :. You can't go, Horowits. We need you. We're a team.

Fellas, I'm an Orthodox Jew. It's Friday and I have to be home before the Sabbath. But I'm sure you guys can handle a little stapling.

Fro, what are we going to do? We can't handle this alone. We need our clique. We need our clique.

DJ, the pro.

[laughter]

Oh yeah, check out those rock hard washboard jugs. Boy, it's good to see Joe from the facts of life still getting

work. [laughter] Sparkly bikinis and clear plastic high

heels always say I have a healthy relationship with my father.

[laughter]

Guess you can't bench your way out of needing glasses, nerd.

She totally looks like that Amy guy you hooked up with. It wasn't a guy named Amy. It was a chick named Larry.

I didn't know that a woman could have man boobs. [laughter] Yeah,

I wish my p*nis was that pole. Then there would be a clear sign that tells cars not to park there. [laughter]

Okay, sure, she can bench lb, but can she do the normal things you'd want in a woman, like baking, raising kids, not dying of a hormone imbalance?

[laughter]

This is a disaster. I can't believe Horowitz just abandoned us. He's just like my mom and my left testicle and my

right testicle and my dad.

Our project is doomed. Harowitz is crazy to think we're capable of stapling it and bringing it over to Mr. Balding's office.

I am writing up an official complaint about Harowit skipping out early.

Excellent. I'll staple it and we'll bring it over to Mr. Balding's office.

[music]

Oh man, do I love Japanese Brady Bunch.

Here's a story of four Asians who had some scary wires on their face.

All of them had really lame facial hair. And did we mention they were Asian?

[laughter]

This is the most shocking thing to happen to the Japanese since they were first introduced to the black man's p*nis. [laughter]

Since I had to clean the fireplace now, it's going to [music] get messy and I have to clean the carpet.

I might as well get it messy, too. So, what do you think?

Ooh, what's that lady going to do with that chocolate? Probably something [music] sexy. What do you mean? She's using her sexy voice.

You mean like this? Cut it out, Fro. We've talked about this.

[music]

Yeah. [screaming] Awesome.

Ooh. Looks like she's a chocolatecovered bon bon with a gooey center of insecurity and desperation. [music]

[laughter]

I also have this.

Yeah. [screaming]

[music]

Yeah. [screaming] Yeah. Similar act.

Yeah. [screaming] Oh, slightly different. Yeah.

So, um I guess I better get busy cleaning the carpet. Yeah, it it really does look delicious.

But you know what? Just a check. DJ the pro.

It's just not fair that Haritz gets to bail early while we have to sl*ve away on our group project. It's all right there in our complaint. Sir,

this is just a picture of a naked woman with a machine g*n for a head and penises for toes. It's called subtext, Mr. Balding.

Fellas, Horowitz is an Orthodox Jew.

According to their laws and customs, they have to get home before sundown on Fridays.

Wait, hold on. He has to get home before sundown. Oh my god. Hors is going to turn into a werewolf.

Dej. Not everyone turns into a werewolf.

[laughter]

Yeah, that's what you said. minutes into watching Teen Wolf. Enough, guys.

Opera prides itself on being culturally sensitive to its employees. So, we expect you to be a bit more respectful of Mr. Horowitz's goofy customs and awesome hat.

But nothing. Now, get back to work. I still expect you to hand in your project by the end of the day with or without Horowitz.

DJ the pro. [music] We got to figure out a way to stop Horowitz from leaving. Well, we better

do it fast cuz he's already by the elevators. Then we have no choice. We must do whatever it takes to stop him.

Follow my lead and watch this awesome clip Donkey Punter just sent us.

[laughter]

Oo, Kelly Clarkson has a new single out.

He sounds like a whale. Well, there's a reason whales are called the Kelly Clarkson's of the sea. [laughter]

It's interesting how changing the speed can make something totally normal seem creepy and weird.

Yeah,

[groaning]

bro. Isn't it so refreshing to see some all natural fun bags for a change? Yeah, keep your fake cans, Hollywood.

Why are we watching this guy successfully riding a bike with a completely intact collar bone?

[screaming]

Now, the dude just learned a harsh lesson about angular momentum.

Hell yeah. L equals I * omega [ __ ]

[laughter]

Dude, this is no time to work on your Chewbacca imitation, which sucks by the way.

DJ the pro Horowitz, we cannot let you get on that elevator.

A I'll miss you guys, too. But I got to get going.

Oh, I don't think you'll make it very far in your Wolf Mobile without these. Hey, those are my keys.

Oh, you want them back? Well, then just agree to stay and finish the project.

Guys, the sun is setting. I really have to go.

Yeah, and we really have to watch this clip that unnecessarily censored just sent us.

This is vegan in tongues, which is um a spiritual language that God gives to Christians. And uh yeah, it's a heavenly

language. So, you probably won't understand what I'm saying.

Hey, how do you say shut the hell up in tongues? No, you shut the hell up.

Okay. Um, now I'll like do some singing in tongues.

Oh, a song. This has got to be good if God wrote it.

[music]

[singing]

God, this sucks. If Kurt Cobain heard this, he'd tape his head together and sh**t himself again. [laughter]

[music]

Americans.

Uh stuff like that. You kind of need to warm up in it.

[laughter]

Back at you. Almost.

Please, guys. It's very important that I be home before sundown. Oh, I'm sorry, Horoids.

We didn't realize it was important to you, you can have your keys back. Thank you. The fro. You are a mch. If you could find them in that closet.

Hey. Hey. Come on, guys. Let me out of here. Can't be in here when the sun is setting.

Sorry, Harowitz. We're not going to let you out of there until we watch this awesome clip we just got.

Where is Thumpkin? Where is Oh my god.

[screaming]

What the hell happened to Thumpkin?

Apparently, they don't have hacksaws in India. [laughter] I hope this guy's wife has six vaginas.

[laughter]

Could you tell who did the shot? Yeah. Awesome.

[laughter]

Go.

Hey, Fro. Where's the most embarrassing place you've ever thrown up? Your mom? That doesn't make any sense.

Your mom doesn't make any sense, dude. Stop talking about my mom. Your mom? Oh, yeah. Fine. Your mom.

Wow. Now I understand how much that hurts. I'll never do that again. Die.

[laughter]

Your mom sucks. Yeah.

I haven't seen a fruit explode like that since that guy told everyone to leave Britney alone.

Oh, great. I just ordered a heavison.

Now what the hell [screaming] am I going to do? I said Yemen. We should blow up Yemen.

DJ, the fro.

So, Mr. Horowitz, you going to finish the project for us or not?

It's too late. The sun has set. No, Gava. It's happening.

[screaming]

You were right, Deorit is a werewolf. Oh my god. What have we done? Fro What have we done?

Hey, the noises, they stopped.

Maybe all that transforming has tuckered him out. I bet werewolves are so cute when they nap. I I just got to go take a look.

[screaming]

DJ the lot of really great leather deals right

now. You know, it's the forever leather man. Yeah.

Prepare to learn everything there is to know about fine leather. If Hillary Clinton [music] didn't spend a whole year running for president instead of doing something for the state of New

York, maybe we'd be a little better. If Spitzer wasn't [music] out there popping chicks like bon bonss, maybe we'd be a little better. When you run for president, you got to run for a freaking

year. You should, Hillary, you should give the money back for a senator and appoint a senator that [music] did something for the state of New York for the last freaking year while we've been

all buying on a vine [music] waiting for you to not make president. Okay, I don't really care what you think about that, but that's how I feel about it. It seems

like the people in upstate New York are always getting the short end of the freaking stick. When are you people going to do something instead of sitting

around in meetings that [music] last minutes and then you just don't do nothing about it for months? You all suck. Okay. No, I don't.

Thanks for nothing, Hillary Clinton. No, thank you, Mr. Forever Leatherman.

Now we know all there is to know about fine leather.

Aw, you were so cute when you were a kid. Dej, what happened? Life happened, dude. Life happened.

Oh my god, De, I just realized this is supposed to be a cat. k*ll it. k*ll it. k*ll it.

For years, I warned Melissa Rivers not to have a baby.

[laughter]

That kitten is like a Jewish wife. She just looks unnatural without a fur coat.

Oh, look. It's dreaming of not being a horrible abomination.

[laughter]

[screaming]

What kind of werewolf are you?

I'm not a werewolf. [snorts] I'm a tr*nsv*stite. What?

Which one has the insatiable hunger for human flesh?

Both. You see, DJ and the Fro, I'm a cross-dressing tr*nsv*stite. I just use the whole Orthodox Jew thing as an

excuse to leave early so I can put on heels, makeup, be ready for a weekend full of sex with other like-minded cross-dressing transvestites. But now

they've probably just started the party without me.

So, what were those noises we heard in the closet? Becoming this beautiful is not easy.

[screaming]

[screaming]

All right. Why didn't you just tell us the truth?

Because I was ashamed. Corporate America has never truly embraced transvestism.

And I guess I just assume the worst in people.

We don't judge you, Harowitz. If being an Orthodox Jew means taping back your p*nis, well, then that's just fine with us. No, not all Orthodox Jews are sh.

It's okay. As long as you finish our report, I don't care what color lip gloss you wear or which saviors your people k*lled.

Wow. Well, I got to say, when I first met you, I thought, here are two guys, one of whom is named DJ, and the other of whom is clearly mentally challenged.

But I was wrong about you both. I am very impressed with how open-minded and accepting you are. I will gladly help you finish the project. Yeah.

You know what this project could really use?

No. We literally haven't even looked at one page. A woman's touch.

Okay, let's get this report to balding right after we watch this clip from do not open attachment contains a virus.

We had a woman run all over the country running for president. [music] She never won. And I ain't seen her face since.

I'm not going to badmouth, but I'm going to badmouth. Here we go again.

DJ the bro

[music]

DJ the pro.

[music]

The fro chirp.

[music]