01x05 - Alpaca

[bunniefuu]

DJ and the proje.

[music]

Congrats. It's payday.

A sweet, dude. Our first paycheck. Oh, sorry melanoma, but I'm going to do to you what my daddy did to me after he got his first paycheck and cut you off.

Dude, you're just going to blow it all on something stupid? Not me. I'm going to find a way for this money to start working for me right after we watch this

clip from oscillating foot fungus the third.

Wa! Check out that guy. He's building some kind of wall on his head, just like that wall you build around your heart.

Fro It's not a wall, Deej. The doctor says it's plaque.

Jenga, Jenga, Jenga,

[screaming]

dropped one, loser. You suck, loser.

This guy is like Atlas, except instead of carrying the world on his shoulders and being a god, he has a lot of bricks on his head and he'll only live to be [laughter] .

Here I come. Jewish shop windows.

[laughter]

Alpacas. Alpacas. [music] Alpacas.

A look how cute that little guy is. Hey, Fro. The alpaca is totally the animal version of what our baby would look

like. Nappy curly hair like yours. A long neck and weak chin like me is beautiful.

We're not having a baby, Dee. Not with that attitude.

Buying an insured alpaca is an exciting and lucrative investment. Aren't they cute? They're so cute.

So cute. Uh, and huggable.

So, call now and order yourself an insured alpaca and earn up to [music] $,. Wa!

$,.

This is it. This is the investment opportunity we've been looking for.

De, I completely trust whoever made that video with our life savings. Don't you? I'd be an idiot not to.

Hey, I bet if we put our paychecks together, we can invest in an alpaca of our own.

I know. And then maybe, just maybe, we'll be as wealthy as those people in that video. Dude, we'd be gazillionaires. Uh, but don't you think

I should use my paycheck to rid my body of this mole? DJ, my man, you may have a cancerous mole, but the cancerous mole doesn't have you.

You're right, Fro. Let's do this. Let's order ourselves an alpaca. Yeah.

Now, you two best be thinking twice before you order any of them alpaca.

They is a complicated animal with unusual needs. Knees that you two can't possibly understand. Knees you can't possibly satisfy. Nah, trust me.

Oh, hey Jim. Were you saying something?

I was too busy ordering an alpaca online to pay attention to your drunken ramblings.

I was saying Oh, you two best be thinking twice about ordering.

Oh, wa. Check out this awesome new clip from Stroke Master .

[music]

Dude, wait. I know this song.

I'm a crazy crazy lady. I don't ever take a shower. I would love to sell my daughter. This is how to start a fire. I play weddings and bar mitzvah.

I hear this song when I'm not playing it. Wait, my music will get better. No, it won't. In your faces. I can't believe you fell for that one. Uh-oh. Here comes the police. I should probably start running.

I should have traded my legs for this instrument. In my country, there are no trials. If I stop, I'm scared I might k*ll. I played on Sting's last album. That is why Sting sucks lately.

Did you see the Bachelor finale?

Don't tell me what happened. I think I ted it. I really hope he picked Melissa. Please don't throw a rock in my head.

My real life is worse than your nightmares. I'm out of versus for this I'm out. Yeah.

DJ the fro. Congrats. It's alpaca day. Yes. Sweet.

He's so cute, Fro. I love him.

And he is clearly going to make us filthy rich. Alpacas, the ATM of the wild.

DJ and Fro have some nerve bringing that disgusting [music] money-making beast into our office. If I had my g*n, I'd hunt that thing down,

aim right between the eyes, and you're going to sh**t an alpaca. Ken, you're not man enough.

Please. She didn't say that the other night when I when you what, Ken? When you drunk dialed me like times.

It accidentally dialed in my pocket. I

.





. Yeah. Yeah. I now present to you Mount Douchebag.

Let me know when you're ready.

Dude, they're going to yank out that kid's tooth with a string.

A tooth is the second best tiny white thing you can pull out at a party.

[laughter]

Awesome. [screaming] Open your mouth. My son's mouth won't stop bleeding.

[laughter]

I can't afford to bring my son to a real dentist.

[laughter] We're all being deported tomorrow.

Fro having an alpaca is so much better than having a malignant growth removed. Yes, you dude. Yes, you did.

Whoa. No. Alpaca, what are you doing? Get your head out of the paper shredder.

Ah, he won't stop. Why is he doing this, bro?

It says here in our investment guide that alpacas often suffer from horrible bouts of depression and have suicidal tendencies.

Suicidal tendencies? Oh my god, alpaca. No, don't do it. I love you.

Great job, Deej. We've invested all your money in a suicidal alpaca. We're ruined.

DJ The pro.

Look at this guy. No sleeves. Surefire mark of a genius.

Charlie Fro. Stephen Hawking never wears sleeves.

[laughter and screaming]

Well, thankfully this guy made a full recovery. Nah, just kidding. He had severe internal hemorrhaging.

But silver lining, he was an organ donor, so some little girl is enjoying his corneas as we speak. Oh, I love happy endings.

The video didn't say anything about alpacas being suicidal.

Well, maybe the manual is wrong. I mean, maybe the alpaca was just playing with a paper shredder.

No, alpaca. Bad alpaca, do not commit suicide. No. Bad. Should I rub his face in the noose?

I don't even know why you're bothering with that thing, Dee. If he wants to die, let it. What? You're You're giving up on him, Fro.

Alpacas are just investment opportunities. Nothing more.

No, Alpaca is more than a financial investment. He's an emotional one, too.

He needs us now more than ever, Fro.

Dude, why don't you and Alpaca just get a room [laughter] and watch this awesome new video IBS just sent me? His clips usually

aren't very solid. [music] Call me crazy, but there's no way they'll be able to flush that.

[laughter] Yeah.

I found these plastic letters in your sock drawer, Billy. Trying to learn to read on your own again. Think you're too good to work the minds like your old

man? Well, here's what I think about your little reading experiment.

Yeah, dude. It's the cops. Quick, get rid of the giant bag of gummy bears. Dude, they're banging on the door. Get rid of

our hot dogs. Oh my god. Get rid of the chest pieces. Oh, hurry. Let's get rid of our collection of Tiger Woods autographed collectible golf ba*ls.

[screaming]

Flush the carrots, dude. Hurry. They're here. Get rid of the dog food.

[screaming]

The dog food. [laughter] It's too late.

Hey, bro. If there's ever a problem with your toilet, you can always use this guy.

[laughter]

Yeah. Sucker's crazy.

[laughter]

Wa.

Check out this video of this welladjusted goose with absolutely no anger issues whatsoever. Yeah.

Oh, here he comes. He's coming back. He's coming back. Get up front.

Yeah. This guy's a mighty crazy a*s goose. Well, this is certainly a popular clip. It's gotten over , ganders.

[laughter]

Dude, you know what would make this video better?

[screaming]

You

[screaming]

run you [screaming]

Run, run, run. He's right behind you.

Oh, thank god they got away from that crazy goose. Hopefully that's the last we'll see of that. [screaming] A fro. Where's Alpaca?

Oh, while we were watching those clips, he borrowed the keys to my car and took off. What? And you just let him? Oh my god.

Come on.

Alpaca, you got to stop trying to k*ll yourself.

When in doubt, choose life, DJ. Man, he's a toxic asset. Let him off himself. Who cares,

bro? How can you be so Wait, what is that in your pocket? You bought alpaca insurance?

No wonder you don't care. If he dies, you'll be rich beyond your wildest dreams. Fro, how could you? A deeds,

don't be naive. How else do you make money with alpacas? The video laid it all out for us. Remember, you make money by insurance.

Don't act like you didn't know.

No, I didn't know. Bro, Alpaci is one of God's creatures and even more importantly, [music]

my friend. And unlike you, his life is what's valuable to me, not his death.

Alpac has gone missing.

Oh, yeah. He took off during your really boring monologue. You getting sleepy? Yeah.

You know, I'll just close my eyes for a second.

[music]

DJ the fro. Alpaca.

[screaming] Alpaca, where are you?

Damn it, Fro. If Alpaca hurts himself, we'll be so filthy, stinking rich. Die, you can have moles removed. Or even

better, we can watch this awesome clip someone just sent to this cubicle.

Wa! Gross. Um, hi. I'm actually really, really terrible at pickup lines, but um, I think you're really pretty.

I'm the librarian of love, and you're way overdue to be checked out.

[laughter]

I feel like Richard Gear right now cuz I'm standing next to the pretty woman.

What? [laughter] I got one. Hey, baby. You're like my religion. Totally unbelievable.

[laughter]

No, I got one. Hey, how would you like to see my latter day taint? [laughter] You remind me of the fruit in Lehi's

dreams. Precious above all. How'd you like two tickets to see my Utah jizz? [laughter] Yeah.

Do you believe in love at first sight or do I need to walk by again?

Honey, my p*nis is so big. It's like a black eye in the Mormon church. It just doesn't fit in. [laughter]

I'm Clay McDonald. What? Wait, the Clayton McDonald. [screaming] Welcome to OCD Thunderdome.

One day, son, you will be king of all the bus boys.

They should call this crouching tiger useless talent. [laughter]

A that boy can stack cups really really fast. So now do you understand why we had to drown his three sisters in the river? [laughter] Me stack you long time.

You're trying to be best cuz [music] you're only a man and a man's got to learn to take it. Never doubt that you're the one and you can't have your

dreams around.

Just when you think a kid can't stack cups any faster, he goes and does it a little faster. I love sports.

[music]

DJ the pro.

DJ, it's getting late. Maybe it's time to give up looking for Alpaca. Besides,

[snorts]

what's this? Check it out. Alpacaka. A [laughter]

I've had that one in my back pocket for days now.

The trail is fresh. Alpaca went that way.

[clears throat]

Wait up.

[clears throat]

Oh, look at it, Dorene. clicks away with only a slight northeasterly wind. I

could pump a hole in each temple. If only I had a a Winchester.

Well, now's your chance, Ken. You can prove your ba*ls aren't just something you sit on during rep meetings. How did you know about that?

I didn't until now. Give me that.

[music]

What are you waiting for, Ken?

I'm just waiting to get a clean shot here.

[music]

No, Ken, you cannot k*ll my alpaca. DJ, get out of the way.

But he's he's he's my friend. Having only one friend does not make your life worth saving, right, Kin?

What about two [music] friends? Fro, you do care about alpaca.

I guess I do, Deej. It's just that caring [music] about something means you can get hurt, which scares me. If only there was a way to protect [music] my feelings by insurance.

Oh, Fro. hiding. Alpaco, what are you doing?

I think it wants me to k*ll it, but sh**ting it like this isn't very sportsmanlike.

Am I the only man around here? Alpeka, I'll see you in hell.

Whoa. Who just shot the g*n out of Dorine's hand? Let's find out right after we watch this clip. [music]

Am I wrong or did Richard Prior and Gene Wilder already make this movie?

Oh my god, that fake rhino escaped. He could do anything. He could charge at any moment.

Their lives are in terrible papermâché danger. What are they going to do?

[screaming] How are they going to be able to outrun wet newspaper? It's got eight legs.

Yeah.

Okay. In case of a rhino rampage, your job will be to toss out a bucket that will roll back to you, then hit the bucket with a stick.

sh**t that mother sh**t it.

Yeah. [screaming] Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. [laughter] Yeah.

Look at that guy's splinter.

Dude, fetish videos have gotten way too specific.

It's the biggest splinter ever. [snorts] I've had bigger.

Oh, poor Fro. Too proud to admit when he's been out splintered.

You know, this alternate ending to Passion of the Christ really puts a more positive spin on things. Hopefully, I have a toolbox nearby.

Oh. [screaming] Oh, that's disgusting. Oh, why do I love watching this?

Yeah, [screaming] that guy's got more wood than my first boy scout camping trip. [laughter]

Whoa. Who just shot the g*n out of Dorine's hand? Hey, it was Jim the janitor.

What the hell is wrong with you white people? Who orders an alpaca and then try to sh**t it? Oh, now you could be baby alpaca.

Wow, Alpaca's happy. He's finally happy.

Well, yeah, he finally happy cuz I'm feeding it, dummy. He is clearly starving. Oh, food, of course. Oh, we should have totally fed him. Duh.

I tried to warn you about the alpaca.

You and your kind just ain't ready. Now, let's go, Alpaca. You going to live with me now?

Bye, Alpaca. I'll miss you. So will I, Dej, so will I.

Well, I guess we've learned there's no such thing as a get-rich quick scheme, huh, Fro?

Nope. The only way to get ahead in life is through a good hard day of watching sweet, sweet internet clips.

I don't know about you, Ken, but I didn't learn a damn thing. You may not have learned anything, Dorene, but DJ and the fro did.

Oh god, I hate you, Ken.

DJ, the pro

[music]

DJ the froj.

The fro

[groaning]

chirp.

[music]