01x11 - Gambling

[bunniefuu]

DJ and the broj.

The fro

[laughter]

I put this here and then we just switch the Oh [laughter] man. Oh man. Dorine's coming. Here she comes. Here she comes.

No way. No way. No way.

[laughter]

Burn. We switched them. You thought you were getting cold water, but you got room temperature water.

Get [laughter] in your face. In your face.

Great. Now I'll have diarrhea for the rest of the day.

Dude, together there is nothing we can't do. I feel so close to you, Fro.

Yeah. Promise me we'll never let anything come between us.

: minute, secondDude, we're bros. How could anything Wa! Oh my. You got to see this totally awesome clip Crot just sent me. It's the jizz.

Spring break, baby. Yeah, she may have arthritis, but arthritis doesn't have her.

Yeah, because arthritis obviously doesn't want his friends making fun of him.

This can't be good for the baby.

When she gets older and sees this, she's going to be so embarrassed. [laughter] This is embarrassing, but she can never lose the respect she gained fighting in the Great w*r.

The last time someone threw beads at her was when the Indians rejected her offer to buy Manhattan. [laughter]

My brain is saying no. No, no. But my p*nis is saying no, no, no. [laughter]

That was great. But I could tell you seem distracted, Deech.

Oh, sorry. I was just playing a little online poker.

You gamble? Yeah, but don't worry. Just cent hands. I'm up $.. Sweet. Uh-oh. What? No, I'm down. How much?

$,. Burn. What am I going to do, bro?

Not to worry, Deej. Okay, what I would do is check out this sweet new video Tochi's just sent me.

Hi, I'm Sharon. And I'm Fred. Hi. We do movies. So, who needs a movie?

I need a movie. I need one, too. Here comes the bride. Are you an artist or a trades person?

Why not jazz up your website? Do you need a website? We can help with that.

Fred and Sharon have invested a lot in their new business.

Imagine a movie of their theater or stage production. What about costume parties?

What about prom night or a special evening out? What about animation?

Whoa. [screaming] Whoa. That was the coolest thing ever.

Think how a video could show your home to its fullest advantage. Fred's mind is his greatest weapon.

Sharon's necklace is also her dress. Sell it faster or for more money.

Imagine Fred having a really intense orgasm. [laughter] Oh, well, you laugh, but Fred and Sharon are laughing all the way to the bank.

Fred, our anniversary is coming up.

Let's make a movie so we can send it to your mother and family.

Great idea. We could put it on a DVD or even send it over the internet.

Uh, Fro, please tell me there's normally a giantist working in this office. Uh, Kathleen, no. Rita, no. Beggy, no.

Franny, she's packed it on lately, but no. Cindy, no. She could stand a game.

You, DJ, you need to pay up. I accept cash, credit, or your testicles stomped [music] into a puddle.

Uh, sorry. I'm just a I'm a little light right now. It's a fro. Listen, mister. He ain't got your money.

What are you going to do about it,

[groaning and screaming]

dude? Dude, are you going to eat your fortune cookie? You never eat him, right? I'll just eat the cookie and leave your fortune on your keyboard, dude.

[screaming]

DJ, you okay?

She beat the crap out of me, bro. It was so humiliating. It was so violent. It was so so exhilarating.

Bro, I think I'm in love.

DJ the bro.

Dude, I just came up with the most giztastic prank ever. We go to the water cooler and poke, get this, holes in the wait for it, wait for it, in the cups.

Yes. Yes. Yeah. I know. It's pretty brilliant.

No, no, no. Not that. I'm online gambling again and I'm down another G's, dog. Oh yeah, and Greta is on her way. Yes. Yes.

You need to pay up. I accept cash credit or your testicles stomped into a puddle.

Sorry I don't have the money again, Greta. I guess we better be going uh to kick my a*s now. And remember, my cheekbones are brittle. Brittle with desire.

But I thought we were going to go to the water cooler and poke holes in the cups.

Oh, okay. Sure. Yeah. I I'll come back after lunch.

Uh you know what, Fro? Uh Greta, she came all the way here to just to teach me a lesson. So why don't you start poking holes in the cup without me and then I'll just catch up with you later.

Cool. Bye. Yeah, cool. I guess

[snorts]

[sighs]

Huh?

[sighs]

Great. Now I'll have diarrhea for the rest of the day.

Where have you been? Spending some QT with Greta.

You can't treat me this way, Deej. I waited for you at the water cooler all day. And you know who didn't show up?

That's right. you. Whoa. Oh, check out this freaky video Teen Master just sent me.

Cool.

See, this is what I love about big chicks. They're always down for whatever.

Dude, now I know why the Republicans have an elephant for their logo. Because they invade places where they have no business being and they stir up.

[laughter]

Uh, by the way, bro, this is precisely the reason my uncle MV is no longer invited to any of our Passover saters.

[laughter]

You were molested.

[cheering]

[screaming]

That elephant's like Louis Armstrong. He can trump it and he's into scat.

[laughter]

Oh, cool. A black and white movie. Oh, everything is always better in black and white. like zebras, barcodes, orgies, Derek Jeter's parents, orgies.

It began the night of our January school play. We had a party on stage after the play and then it happened.

There I was in in the spotlight and I felt uncomfortable

and and awkward and different and they were all watching me and and laughing. Feeling like everyone

is watching you and laughing today. We call that paranoid schizophrenia.

[laughter]

Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, I I guess I'll just shut up and sit

down. [laughter] Self-conscious.

That was my trouble. That was why I felt so q*eer. [laughter] Is it q*eer?

[laughter]

q*eer. Yeah. Where?

Oh, I managed to get through my report all right, but I was miserable. Why is that dude so self-conscious? Maybe it's his big head.

Or maybe it's his big eyes. I think it's because of his tiny ears. Could be his big nose. He's got that lazy eye. His arms are kind of long for his body.

He's got some pretty bad acne. His hands seem abnormally tiny. Is that a bald spot? I hear he's a two pump chump. Loser. Douchebag.

Freak.

Jack hole. [laughter] Well, there it is. I still feel a little

self-conscious at times, but by concentrating on others, by doing my best to make the whole situation

easier, I overcome my own self-consciousness. Dude, people were so uptight in the s.

DJ the fro.

Uh, that last clip reminded me of the cutest thing Greta did to my kneecap the other. Fro Huh?

Oh, hi Greta. What a nice surprise. I didn't know you were here. Had I known, I would have lost some money so we could Sorry. Greta wasn't here for you.

No. Then who was Greta here for? Hello, DJ. Fro Greta, you mean?

Fro, what have you done? No. No.

[music]

[music]

DJ, the pro

Yeah, [screaming] Paul Giamani is not afraid to tackle even the most indie of movie concepts.

[laughter]

This guy's had more latex between his legs than Jenna Jameson after she started doing the boring type of porn.

[laughter]

Look, my kid's been waiting here over an hour. Can you or can you not make a balloon horse?

I haven't seen someone hump something that big and blue since you worked at that summer camp for depressed,

overweight chicks. [laughter] Dude, you were right. That Greta, she

knows what she is doing. At one point, she duct taped a big rock in my mouth and let me beat myself up while she watched. Oh, it was awesome. [laughter]

You son of a [ __ ] How could you do this to me, Fro? How could I do this to you? Okay, what about you? Should watch

this clip Lieutenant Banana just sent us. It's giztastic.

Hey, this is Vinnie T for the furniture guy. Give me a call at .

Man, even after all this time, fans can still make anything look cool.

Hey, I'm the furniture guy. My prices are high, my salesmen are rude, and to be honest, pretty r*cist. My store is on

top of a truck. All my furniture is made out of used gum and feces. .

[screaming]

Awesome.

That's what I was afraid was gonna happen. Okay. Ready?

Where you been?

When you get back on the railroad track

with a shovel and

[applause]

[applause]

Yeah, worst masturbator ever.

Oh, yeah, sure, bro. I did love those videos, but it doesn't change what happened. You betrayed me.

Well, maybe if you knew how to keep your woman happy.

Oh, please. She told me I was the best and the bloodiest she ever had. I barely coagulated.

Really? Uh, then how come the whole time she had this look on her face? Like she never really knew what it was like to beat up someone until she was with me.

You take that back. No, you take it back.

I swear, Fro. If you don't take that back, I'll I'll you'll what, duh? You'll check out this new sweet video hypnotic booger just sent us.

Hey, get my bro clean for my girl do this [ __ ] for y'all later. B had money. Wait, did he just say Ben had money?

He's been had more G's than a Polish typewriter.

[laughter]

You feel me? I got some money now.

I'm still making rain. You better have money now. You feel me?

This guy is like the Michael Jordan of throwing money on a pool table and commenting incoherently about it. My mixtape. You know, AJ is a fool.

[laughter]

Camera man, look at me. Look at me, camera man. I been getting money, man.

You feel me? These new black people ATMs are amazing. [laughter] Bet money now. You feel me?

Had money. Hold on.

What would you buy if you been had that much money?

I'd been had buy a menagerie of animal penises, you know, for pranks and marryment and such.

I've been getting money. You been? Hey, Benjamin Franklin ain't none of your friends.

Wow. The White House has changed a lot.

Oh, hey uh uh Greta, I'm glad you're here, actually. Um you can settle a little disagreement my pal DJ and I have been having.

Yeah, Greta, this cannot go on. You have to choose. It's me or Fro. You can't have both. Yeah, Greta. So, who's it going to be?

DJ the fro. What the hell is this crap?

I don't know, but I think this guy thinks his cabinet sounds like Chewbacca. I can speak, Wookie.

That means I rubbed my ba*ls on your sandwich yesterday. [laughter] Oh yeah. Well,

[groaning]

you know what that means?

Yeah, I know what that means. You r*cist b*stard. I can't believe you used that word. I mean, even in Wookie. I thought I knew you. You make me sick.

Wait, did you say or

I said Oh man, I'm I didn't understand you because of your accent, dude. I'm sorry.

That was That was actually a pretty good comeback.

It's the most inarticulate door since Jim Morrison. [laughter] Oh man, didn't see that coming, I bet.

Yeah, Greta, this cannot go on. You have to choose. It's me or Fro. You can't have both. Yeah, Greta. So, who's it going to be?

What? No time for this. Greta must beat up three other dead beats before end of business day.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Greta, you're beating up other guys besides the two of us.

Greta, beat up any persons who don't pay.

So, that's it, huh? You just give it up to any schmo who won't pay you. You [ __ ] [ __ ] I just collect money from dead beats. It's my job. Okay, sure.

Yeah, it's not how I pictured where I'd be at this point in my life. I mean, I had dreams of becoming a pediatrician, but you know, I didn't do well on the

MCAT, specifically on the physical science section. This is brutal. So, I gave it up. You know, I gave up my dream. But then an opportunity arose to

collect four bookies. It's like a door closes and the window opens. So, I took it. And you know what? For the first time in [music] my life, I am happy.

[music]

You [ __ ] [screaming] Well, that does it. I will not let some chick who goes around beating up anyone and everyone come between me and my best friend.

Yeah, you know what they say, bros before someone else who is not a bro. Here's your money, Missy. Ben had money.

Bing count money. Now get out of here, Deej. I'm sorry I let Greta beat me up.

I guess I felt rejected, so I tried to hurt you, my best friend.

No, man. I should never have put some Austrian or Eastern European chick above our friendship. We good? We good.

DJ, the fro.

Oh, Greta. Hi. Hi. You look good.

Yeah. Yeah. You uh you do too. You look you look good. Business going well.

Yeah. You know, I'm taking the MCATs again this weekend, so there's that, I guess.

Really? That's great. That's really great. Well, I should get going.

Yeah. Yeah. Me, too. I've I've got this uh thing. So, uh goodbye, TJ. Greta.

Yeah. I was just thinking if we could, you know, maybe for all time's sake, I would love to.

Oh, there goes one hell of a woman.

I know, Fro. I may never find someone like her again. It's like I always say, better to have your spleen ruptured and

be pissing blood and lost than to have never had your spleen ruptured and be pissing blood at all.

Oh, great. Now I'll have diarrhea for the rest of the day. [laughter] Next time on DJ in the fro.

Ham bone up, ham bone down. My wife ran away with a man that's brown.

Ham bone beer, ham bone wine. The doctor said that kid ain't mine.

Ham bone you. Ham bone me. That dumb [ __ ] gave me VD.

Ham bone less. Ham bone more. That wife of mine is a gosh darn [ __ ] Ham bone nose. Ham bone eyes. Ham bone helps me not love guys. Ham bone. Yay.

Ham bone nay. My life wasn't supposed to go this way.

DJ the proje.

The fro.

The fro chirp.

[music]