01x12 - Sub Boss

[bunniefuu]

Yeah, looks like the Chinese food is here.

I haven't seen a fat [ __ ] in a frame like that since I went to the tough presidential library. [laughter] Yeah, he was an overweight, wimpy president.

[clears throat]

[laughter]

the fro. Are you invited? Yeah, I'm going. I'm going.

Excuse me. What's going on out here? What's going on with your face?

Listen people. People, come on. I don't mind shenanigans, but I draw the line at Tom Fullery. Now, we need to get back to work.

Ken, no note passing during work. But I wasn't.

Now I have to read it in front of everyone.

mg of Lexapro three times a day prescribed for severe depression. You think this is funny, Ken? I don't think

anything is funny anymore. All right, everyone. Come on. No more messing around. No more note passing. Everyone,

just back to work. Oh, man. Mr. Balding ruins all our fun. Yeah, our boss is such a square.

[music]

Well, I guess it's back to the grind right after we watch this awesome clip.

Oh my god. No way, dude.

Uh, hey, dude. I think that hot pocket you put in the microwave is done.

No, for I I think that's this chick's laugh. Oh, okay. I got it.

No way, dude. What is going on? Shut up. This is the craziest thing.

This is the craziest thing I've ever seen right now. Here we go.

It was hilarious when Stacy swelled her r*pe whistle until she needed it.

Ouch. Yeah. Squirrel. Ping.

Ping. Squirrel. [laughter] Yeah.

It's like they say, when God gives you apples, make lemonade.

That squirrel is like a trendy techno geek. He loves apples and quick to piss all over windows. [laughter] Take that, Bill Gates.

There's a reason squirrels are the R.

Kelly's of the wild and why window sills are the year-olds of the house.

Hey, Fro. I don't know why, but I stayed up all night rolling up these little pieces of paper into ba*ls.

No way. I stayed up all night saving my spit in a bowl.

Cool, man. And if Balding weren't so lame, we could have the most awesome spitball w*r ever.

Dude, put those away. Buzzkill Balding's coming.

Hello everyone. Mr. Balding has called in sick today, so I'll be filling in for him. My name is Amy Gerowski. Wait, what? We have a sub.

Sweet. Maybe we can have our little w*r after all.

I don't know, Fro. What if Mrs. Gerowski is a nononsense Nelly just like Mr. Balding? Well, there's only one way to find out.

So, if anyone has any questions, my door is always uhoh. We obviously have an issue here

that needs addressing. There's only one way we can deal with this. Spitball w*r.

Oh, you're going down, bro. Our new boss is the opposite of a nononsense Nelly.

Yeah, she's more like a yesnon Yolanda.

I got you DJ the pro.

And now some more strange [music] and interesting facts. Oh, okay.

The most common school team colors are blue and white. Oh yeah.

On average, a person spends a total of [music] weeks of their lives waiting at traffic lights.

Nestle's is famous for chocolate, right? Okay.

Well, that only makes up for % of its sales. [groaning and screaming] Oh, the lion costume in The Wizard of Oz was actually made from real lions. Yeah. No.

Oh, what an interesting fact, Fro. I I did not know that. Did you know that, Fro? That the Damn it, Dee. Why the hell do you have to be such a b*ner k*ller?

Sorry, Fro.

She's not even that hot. I know, but she looks like a chick I could actually get.

Okay. She's like in my league, dude. And you ruined it.

We're the skate witches, and we don't take no crap from no one. And by crap, you mean hair advice. [laughter]

I don't have no money to waste on a skateboard, so I take one from whoever I want, whenever I want.

Yeah. [screaming] There's no way these girls are witches.

You can't be a witch and not own a broom. That's like being a -year-old Jewish woman and not knowing you're

going to end up alone. [laughter] They're the toughest kids in fragile

town. [laughter] Hey, Fro. Mrs. Gerowski is the only one we haven't gotten yet. Did you see her

anywhere? Let me check. Okay, coast is clear. Okay, De, you load up your straw and you cover me.

Victory, huh? None of you are any match for my hepatitis Spitballs.

[cheering]

Mrs. Gerowski, you're the coolest substitute boss ever.

Yeah, I totally wish we could watch this awesome clip someone just sent us. Oh, go ahead, boys. I don't mind at all.

What y'all What do you Why don't you do something good? Good.

I've seen pesticidefree vegetable gardens with fewer moles. [laughter]

That is the worst rapping since I hired that guy with Parkinson's at the Macy's gift wrapping department.

I can't help but think you just made up this gift wrapping individual for the convenience of your joke.

Don't embarrass me in front of elderly lady, black dude, hooded guy, and other short person.

Millions and millions of fries. Hey, I know these guys. This is the entire crew from the right aid morning shift.

[laughter]

Yes. Yeah.

You say you didn't sleep with my wife. I say taste my potato fueled revenge, you son of a [ __ ] Yeah.

After all that spitball fun and watching those clips, my head is so much clearer now, you know? I'm I'm totally ready to get some work done.

Yeah, me too.

Work? How could we work when we haven't even played a single inning of yard stick off ball? You're up first, bro.

Here comes the pitch.

I wish I could feel that. [laughter] Yeah. Home run. Nice fro. Here comes another.

Wow. This is what we always dreamed work would be like if it weren't for Mr. Balding. Here, you're up, Deej.

Here comes the heat.

You're right, Fro. This is so much more fun than not doing this.

Okay, guys. No more meatballs. Here comes the big cheddar. [screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

That's totally a strike. You're out, bro. Now, who wants to have sex with me in Balding's office?

DJ the pro.

On average, a -year-old asks about [music] questions a day. Oh, there it is.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other country in the world.

Okay. Okay. You ever heard of fraternity pledges [music] swallowing goldfish?

Well, that started at Harvard University. Yeah. No.

Harvard, you say? Wow. Never in a million years would I have thought that.

Dartmouth. Dartmouth maybe. But not a Harvard.

Damn it, Deeds. Why the [screaming] hell must you ruin this?

DJ, the fro

[screaming]

[groaning]

[screaming]

Do I know how to rock an office setting or what? Chest bump.

Uh, Mrs. Gerowski, I like to have as much fun as the next guy. But I think some of those people are really hurt down there. That one guy's missing a face.

Oh, holy crap. The cops. Best ever. Next moon. No. What?

[laughter]

Come on, guys. Don't be sticks in the mud. Get your asses up here and help me moon those cops and newly orphaned children.

Uh, I I'd love to, Mrs. Gerowski, but um I have to watch this awesome clip we just got. Yeah, me too.

Clown tips.

When you're ready to launch out into the unknown, [music] possibly the best place to begin is in a nursing home or a care center for the elderly. Yeah, it's

always hard to decide where you should start your k*lling spree.

[screaming]

One reason is simply this. The elderly [music] really receive you quite well. I think it's because they already know how vulnerable they are. [music] They're lonely and they long for touch.

Yeah, [screaming] suck it.

If they're in need of touch, [music] you touch them. Awesome. Suck it.

If they're in need of a smile, you give them a smile. [laughter] That umbrella is so tiny.

[laughter]

stupid.

First, call the activities [music] director or the manager of the institution and get permission to come.

Second, make sure to wear a face mask because it's going to smell.

And third, expect more crying than laughing. [laughter] Don't fulfill any request that is made

of you by a patient. The best rule I found is don't do [music] it. Got it. Don't do anything they ask.

Would you please stop smashing my hump with your comically oversized hammer?

Sorry. Nope. Please, clown, will you tell the police that the nurses burn me with cigarettes?

Wish I could, but rules are rules. Damn you, clown. Can you put down that seltzer bottle and pull the damn plug

already? Okay. Rules are made to be broken.

[laughter]

TJ the pro.

Come on, douchebags. The popos are on their way up. We got to barricade the elevator doors. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy.

Open up in there. [laughter] Hey. Um, Mrs. Jowski, don't you think that maybe we're taking this a little too far?

Don't you think we're taking your face a little too far?

Now, come on. We can't let those party poopers stop our party, can we? Can we?

[screaming]

Mrs. Gerowski, please. Mrs. Gerowski is my [music] mother. Call me Amy. Open it up in there.

Back off, Buzzkill, or I'll start offing hostages. Starting with the oldest.

No, still nothing. [screaming] This is crazy. She's going to get us all

k*lled. We have to put a stop to this right after we watch this awesome clip.

Yeah. Take you.

Have you lost your gut? Are you not eating cigarette butt? I think the one on the left is sexy.

She's wearing tin foil.

She's like Jiffy Pop. I want to peel open the foil and taste what's inside.

Well, I want to hold her over the stove until she stops making any sound.

[laughter]

Why do you think you are nuts? Yeah, I'd appreciate it if you used a politer tone when asking my testicles such an obvious question.

Why do you think you are nuts?

This brings up a good point. Why do they call testicles nuts? My testicles are not crazy.

I think it's because they're shaped like nuts.

Mine are more like rocks. Lumpy, lumpy rocks.

[laughter]

You have malformed testicles. Your best case scenario is a benign cyst. H.

[laughter]

Yes. Hey, where's Tommy going?

I think he's going to go drain the weasel. He was pounding a bunch of bruskies.

Should we tell Tommy he's about to pee on an electric fence?

No way, dude. We've let Tommy watch us pee so many times. He totally owes us this.

Awesome. [screaming] You think he's dead? I call dibs on his chunky but funky wife.

You b*stard. I've always wanted to go at her. I mean, they have five kids, so you know she totally does it.

Looks like I'll be kneede in widow tonight.

I'm not sure he's dead, Fro. Then I better go help. You can't forget this.

Gets pretty dangerous by the airport at night. Don't worry, Tommy. Fro is coming. Fro is coming for you.

[screaming]

We got to keep those cops out of here.

They're like firemen. All they ever do is put out fun. Hey, get her. There she is.

Uh-oh. Now it's a party.

DJ the pro.

[music and singing]

[music]

Dee, there are more ribs in this commercial than a Kalista Flockheart Misha Barton sex tape. [laughter]

S R I G black people eating barbecue.

Now I've seen everything. [music] Barbecue baby back ribs is just like a nudest vag*na. It has way too many bees

in it. [laughter] Mr. Barcue

Mr. Barbecue Mr. Barbecue Mr. Barbecue. Good barbecue

meat is like a good condom. It just falls right off the bone, [laughter] man.

What do you mean she's gone?

Sorry, sir, but there's no trace of her anywhere.

Damn it. But but officer, you you have to find Mrs. Gerowski. You just have to.

That woman will stop at nothing to have a good time.

What the heck is going on here, Mr. Balding? [screaming] Oh, we are so glad you're back. Your sub, she was out of her mind.

Yeah, she threw the printer copier scanner combo out the window, k*lling countless people. And then she took our whole office hostage, all in the name of having fun. It was awful.

Shh. Come here, boys. Come here. It's [music] okay. It's okay. Mr. Balding's back. That's all right,

Mr. Balding. I'm sorry we're always joking around.

Yeah, we thought we wanted a rock and roll type boss, but in the end, we'd rather have a smooth jazz type boss mixed with like a black weatherman.

Thank you, boys. That really means a lot to me.

You know what, boys? Why don't you watch that sweet clip? some funny name person just sent you and then get back to work.

Really? [snorts] Thanks, Mr. B. You're the jizz. The jizziest.

They'll be in my office if you need anything. Good job, Amy.

Thank you, Mr. Balding. We taught those boys a lesson, didn't we? If only you weren't married, I'd jump your bones so

hard. And I let you, you passionate minks. Oh, Barry.

No, no, Amy. We shouldn't do this. We Oh, don't fight it. It feels so right.

We can't do this. I Baby, I'm hungry. [music] I say, baby,

you

[music and applause]

need Next time on DJ.

Okay. Bingo.

Now, here's something kind of wild. Oh, there it is.

The largest potato was grown in Lebanon and it weighed over.

Okay, talk about a big spud. Oh. Oh. Oh, there it is.

[laughter]

That is a big spun for sure.

Son of a [screaming] [ __ ]

TV.com for clips of the show, exclusive interviews with the creators, and more. Yeah, it's the jizziest.

DJ, the pro

[music]

DJ, the pro

The fro chirp.

[music]