01x13 - Intern

[bunniefuu]

the Hey guys, I'm Jessica, the new intern. Um, can I get you any coffee here?

I'm sorry. Excuse me. Can't you see that we're right in the middle of a very, very important assignment?

Honey, I know we want to sell our table, but are you sure this man is a qualified antique furniture appraiser?

Yeah, [screaming] there are better ways to deal with an unwanted erection. I know what'll impress everybody. Rupturing my spleen.

Yeah. Boo. I hate nature videos.

Yeah. [screaming] I love nature videos. You're not.

You're not.

Yeah. [screaming] I wish I could go to the bathroom while people videotaped me. Oh, man. Then I'd be so rich.

Okay. Sorry. You were saying, ma'am.

Oh, I was just asking you guys if Wait, have we met before? You look so familiar.

I don't think so. I just started working here like today.

Oh, then you haven't heard my new joke yet. Knock-k knockock. Who's there? The knocking guy. The knocking guy. Who?

No. Get it? I'm the knocking guy. That's why I'm knocking. You know, like outside your house.

[laughter]

Oh my god, that was genius. I'll never knock your sense of humor.

What? [laughter] Oh, you.

Anyway, it was really, really, really, really nice to meet you. I guess I'll see you around.

Oh, yeah.

[singing]

Wow, that was like the most awesome girl I've ever met in my entire life. I swear I know her from somewhere. I'm going to

figure it out right after we watch this clip that Predictable Segue just sent us.

Whatever. Whatever.

Last year, my husband served me with divorce papers on Christmas Eve.

It ruined my Christmas. So, after Christmas, I decided to hire Michael Gallagher as my attorney.

And all I lost in the divorce was the left side of my haircut. [laughter] Looks like the dating pool just got a

little more sweatshirty. [laughter] Yeah, trampoline accidents. A, these are awesome.

Boo.

He jumps to the ceiling more than you do to ridiculous conclusions.

Oh, so now you're saying you don't want to be my friend anymore because I'm white.

[music]

John Holmes would have loved this guy. Why? Because his p*nis was a foot. H.

[laughter]

Yeah. Awesome.

DJ, the pro. Knock knock, bro.

A young boy who's fallen in love named DJ. Do you think I should ask out the new intern?

Uh, I think you should watch yet another awesome clip I just got. Dude, it's that world famous disgusting horrible nigating two girls one fish video again.

Oh, I love this clip.

Oh god, not me. I've tried to watch that thing, but I I just can't. Not a big fan of two chicks taking that one fishies innocence. It's your funeral.

Oh, there they are. Two girls. Ooh. And there's the one fish. The one poor innocent unsuspecting fish. Here they go. Oh, so gross. No, no, no, no, no.

Don't do it. Not the whole fish.

[laughter]

How did they do that? The fish completely disappeared. Oh, and now it's back. Oh, gone again. Back. [laughter]

Oh man, that poor fish thought they were going to eat him, but boy, did they have other plans.

Why would they do this? It's so unsanitary.

And why do I think it's so awesome? I'm telling you, DJ, every time I see this, it just gets better. And wait a sec.

Dude, I know where I've seen intern Jessica before. Where?

She's from Oh, damn it. I just had it.

I got it again. Intern Jessica is one of the two girls from Two Girls, One Fish.

[screaming]

[groaning]

DJ, the pro trying to [music] get to work and you need to gravitar, but it's just too far.

A bike ride. If you riding your bike [singing] and it's getting kind of dark and you want to grab a bike rack.

Oh, hell yeah. This is the new bike rack jump off. Everyone's crumping to.

Getting kind of dark and you want to grab a bike rack. [music] Wait, are they saying buy crack? No, bike rack.

Yeah, that's why they said buy crack.

Bike rack. Deege, no way, bro. You stop pressuring me. Crack is ill*gal and it will k*ll you. They say crack is whack.

Listen to me, Deej. Spike rack.

Okay, one gram. But I'll need to borrow your pipe and a bag of your skunk for the comedown.

I'm telling you, man. Jessica is one of the chicks from Two Girls, One Fish. How dare you, Fro? Jessica is too innocent

for something as foul as that. And besides, why would the girl from that video need an internship? She's probably like a gazillionaire by now.

It's her, De. I know it. Don't ask her out. She'll disrespect you like she did that fish.

You know what, Fro? You're just jealous that I finally found someone. Yeah, a fish r*pist.

You're wrong, Fro. And I'm going to ask out Jessica and we're going to get married and we're going to have like a million babies no matter what you say.

Fine. Go ahead, dude. Hang out with your internet sensation girlfriend right after you watch this clip Aven Bird Flow just sent us.

Hey, what's up, guys?

Hey, what's up? Holla back, dog. Hey, what's up? Um, today we're going to be talking about death metal vocals, growls, all that [ __ ] You know,

singing death metal vocals is like being a shop teacher. They both Oh my Whoa, his voice is so low. [laughter]

Um, if you want, you can try it with me.

[screaming and groaning]

I'm a doucheb. I live in the basement.

[screaming]

Everybody hates me and Jim.

Singing death metal must be similar to working as Kevin Spacy's house boy. It's very hard on your throat. [laughter] Yes.

Next, we journey to Chao, Vietnam to meet -year-old Tran Vanh. Tran claims

to have the world's longest hair, measuring an impressive m.

Whoa. Where can I get a turd hat? Hair do. More like hair. Do key. [laughter] Oh my god. I got to call someone. Wait.

[laughter]

What?

Answer it. [sighs] Upper Industries. DJ speaking. Hair do

more like hair dookie. [laughter]

[screaming]

Very good. Very good.

One more time. Hair do. More like hair dookie. [laughter] Yes. Somebody might be calling.

Yes. Don't [screaming] hang up.

TJ the fro.

Um, it's hard to get a table in this kitchen. You need to know someone.

[laughter]

You're so funny, D. I'm so glad you asked me to lunch. Maybe for our next date, we can go.

Oh, hey. I didn't know you guys ate here, too. What the hell are you doing?

Doing you the biggest favor of your life? What are you guys talking about? Oh, nothing. Nothing.

Actually, DJ and I were just talking about our favorite band. You may have heard of them. Fish.

Of course, I've heard of them. I love Fish. I always go and see them with my one friend from Germany.

Really?

Well, then maybe you can settle an argument. DJ always says that if he were a cloning scientist, he would clone our

favorite band so there could be two fish. That way, we can each go to our own fish concert instead of always

having to go together. But I think one fish is the perfect amount of fish for the two of us to enjoy. What do you think?

Don't listen to him, Jessica. Everybody knows that if you can clone fish to have two fish, you do it.

Actually, even if my best friend from Germany and I could clone fish, we still wouldn't do it. Two girls, one fish.

Sounds great to me. See, DJ, could you just leave, Fro? Jessica and I are on a lunch date.

And that's why I went ahead and made you my specialty. Urban crusted miso glazed mahi mahi.

[music]

Uh, Ashley from Wow, fish is like my all-time favorite food. Honestly, when I see fish, I can't get it inside my body fast enough.

You don't stay, huh? Well, dig in. I'll I'll get you some forks.

Forks? What fun is that? [laughter] You're welcome, Dee. You're welcome,

dude. Your girlfriend's a freak.

DJ the pro

nasty. [screaming] Oh my god. Yeah.

I have not seen an ape with such a clear eating disorder since Ben Stiller.

[laughter]

Yeah, that guy's disgusting. I I know. But seriously, all joking aside, he is a very visually disconcerting individual.

[laughter]

On the one hand, Jessica is a beautiful girl who sees the world in this intellectual light, but on the other hand, she totally r*pes fishies.

Yeah. I can't believe I fell for the grossest person of all time. One of the chicks from Two Girls, One Fish.

So that's who you think I am, Jessica. Um, knock.

You think I'm the girl from the most famous and disgusting internet video of all time? Yeah. Aren't you? No.

But what about um what about what? The fact that my favorite band is fish and that my favorite food is fish. Does that make me the girl from that horrible video?

Well, when you say it like that, I I guess it's I hate you. I wish I never met you.

[laughter]

Jessica, wait. I'm sorry. [screaming] I'll make it up to you.

Right after we watched this sweet clip from I saw her standing there the whole time but didn't say anything for

Hi.

Hi. Hi. It's Mimi the mime back again to teach you about emotions.

Who are you to teach miming when it's obvious you can't follow the only rule of miming? Shut the up.

Now, when you are happy, your body goes up.

And when you're sad, your body goes down.

That's my favorite kind of girl. The kind that goes down when she's sad.

[laughter]

Haha.

It's a big bad scary monster. I run away. I look back. Oh, I remember

mimming school, going to all those imaginary parties, pledging that imaginary fraternity, dating Debbie Lesnar, the most popular imaginary girl

in imaginary Delta House, having imaginary unprotected sex, taking her to the imaginary clinic, convincing her to

have the imaginary procedure, dealing with her imaginary resentment, catching her, finding consolation in the imaginary arms of my imaginary roommate,

sh**ting them both with my and burying their bodies in the desert. Scary monster.

You mean you shot that with an imaginary ? Do I?

How could you do this to me, Fro? How could you put those evil thoughts in my mind about sweet, sweet Jessica? You

made me lose the woman who one day could have been my wife. I don't know what to tell you, man. Except maybe say it, don't spray it.

[laughter]

Hey, did you guys hear about Jessica? They're moving her up to the th floor.

I just saw her getting onto the elevator.

Deed, go to her.

DJ, the fro.

This is amazing.

Yeah. How' they do this? I can't even get my grandpa to pee in the toilet and that's because he can't reach the toilet handcuffed to the radiator.

I don't get it. You film a cat peeing and it's funny and cool, but you film a coworker peeing and all of a sudden it

becomes a whole thing because someone doesn't know [screaming] how to keep their mouth shut.

Whoa. What? What are you doing? You're just going to waste all that cat pee?

Jessica, away. No, Jessica, don't go.

[laughter]

All right, let me ask you a question. Okay.

Would you come up to a fat person and say, "You know what? You are just too fat. You need to [music] lose weight." Oh, I would never say that.

Yeah, me neither. I would use my well-known comedy chops to express my concerns about somebody's weight. Like, you have more folds than the origami version of yourself.

Or, excuse me, lady, but you've got more baby fat than the drain at Planned Parenthood.

Wa! Fro, you are a dark man. Yeah.

You wouldn't even think about doing that because that would make the person feel bad. Okay, now let me ask you another question. Okay.

How do you think it makes me feel when people come up to me and say, "Gosh darn it, Judith, you are just too skinny. You look like an emaciated child from Africa. In fact, you look like you haven't eaten in weeks.

I don't think anyone wants you to gain weight. I think they just want you to put something in your mouth so you stop your bitching. [laughter] Yes.

Oh my. Oh my.

I need a [music] BBW. A plus type model like you.

[music]

Nice jugs. [laughter] Oh, sick, dude. She just licked the milk. Someone's going to buy that milk.

[music]

She must be a g*n chip of the line because she has a very large poop d*ck.

[laughter]

That's right. I [music] need a BBW. So you're coming with me tonight.

I need a BBW. [music] A plus size model like you.

I need a BBW. [music] And everywhere you go, you know I'm proud to say. Yeah.

The biggest loser here is my b*ner.

Yeah,

[laughter]

Jessica, stop. D, there's nothing more to say.

Yes. Yes, there is. Look, it's true. I did think you were the girl from Two Girls, One Fish. And I'm sorry I jumped

to that conclusion. But in all honesty, even if you were that girl, it wouldn't have made any difference to me because

I've fallen hard for you. You're the coolest, most beatboxiest knockk knockock joke afficionado I've ever met.

And believe me, I've met a lot of them.

Wow, D, that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Oh yeah.

Um, D, did you really mean what you said about not caring whether or not it was me in that video? Jessica, of course.

Because actually the truth is I sort of am one of the chicks from Two Girls One Fish.

Yeah. [screaming] Yeah. Damn it.

Yeah. Yeah.

Next time on DJ in the Fro. In the Campuna State Penitentiary, women are shackled,

stripped of their rights,

[screaming]

and treated like animals. This is the best place ever. Yeah, this is like heaven on earth.

There's no escape. But one new arrival is an animal.

A werewolf k*lled your boyfriend. When the moon is full, no one escapes the fury of the werewolf.

Oh god, no. [screaming] No. Run. That werewolf's got pink eye.

Do not worry. Yeah. Yeah.

[screaming]

Awesome. Yeah. Yeah.

Werewolf in a woman's prison. Who wins when a werewolf invades a woman's penitentiary? Uh, we do.

No, dude. The werewolf wins. That couldn't be any clearer from the trailer. Deege,

want more? Go to djinthefro.mtv.com for clips of the show, exclusive interviews with the creators, and more.

Yeah, it's the jizziest.

DJ the proje.

DJ the fro

the pro chirp.

[music]