01x19 - Employee of The Month

[bunniefuu]

DJ and the fro

[music]

the fro cleaning cleaning because I have OCD Because I have OCD. Because I have OCD.

Hey there, best friend. Don't mind.

Balding's busting my gizzlumps again. He found out I used his suit to cut out Hanukkah decorations. I'm so going to get fired.

I'm really sorry, man. Good morning, DJ. The [snorts] fro.

Hello. What's this? This mug. It's so clean. Who did such a wonderful thing?

Well, actually, I I saw Fro do it.

Fro? Surely you just He He loves to clean. He's like a mushroom if mushrooms cleaned.

H Maybe I was wrong about you, Lefro.

Maybe you're not such a douchebag after all. Who are you yelling for?

I could watch young girls scream about pretty much anything. [laughter]

U G L Y. There's a chance that you might die. Prognosis. It's ugly. The doctors say it's ugly.

She landed on her back faster than herself minutes after the game.

Innocent cheerleader by day. Sexy quadripolgic by night.

Tee, I am so touched that you just did that.

Hey man, we're we're guys who share a cubicle wall and comment on internet clips together. In some cultures, that would make us married.

Wa. Hey, check out this clip vestigial tail Lonnie just sent us.

Why don't you just call him your brother? That tailed freak is no brother of mine.

So, I was at my crib, okay? And I was trying to tell the if he could just do small things to his like his his

kitchen, his bathroom, he'll have women everywhere dropping vag*na panties all over the place. You know what I'm saying?

I like it when a girl wears vag*na panties. [laughter] Okay. Bang. Now, I know a lot of y'all like, "Come on, man. Why you got nothing but drinks in your Why you ain't got no food?" I'mma tell you why.

Cuz it's harder to steal a ham.

[laughter]

Like different things. For the mature chick, you know, over who still drinks juice, you hit it with the Mystic. The Snapples, that's for like

the suburban chick. The the green tea, man, that's for the holistic, you know, vegetarian, earthy type, you know, Erica

Badu chicks. Arizona iced tea really for the for the classy bougie hood chick, you know.

And you got your milk for when you want to hit the skins with a cat. And you got the insulin for the diabetes chicks, manachevitz for the rabbi chicks,

and you got the ice cream sandwiches for the developmentally disabled honeys.

Of course, we got to have the bloody yaks milk for the Mongolian herds women.

You got your aven bird flu for when you want to k*ll a Chinese lady. I'm saying. And of course, for the hood chicks. Bam. I got to draw Kool-Aid.

What flavor you want? Damn. [screaming] And if you like me, every once in a while you might kick it with a big girl with a pretty face, but just just a fat

girl. Hit her with the pizzas. The mother.

You should never hit a girl just because she's big. No. Especially not with a frozen pizza. You might give her food shame.

My dad was over here the other day. He thought I was playing. I can't believe it's not butter. Man, this you could drink this, man. This guy talks fast.

Well, you'd talk fast, too, if you were living on spray butter and Red Bull.

[laughter]

Attention everyone. Attention. Sometimes mugs are dirty. It's the unpleasant side of this business. We all know it and we

deal with it in our own ways. But today, I saw something amazing. This man, he

didn't just do what most of us do and smash the mug on the ground like an angry chimp. He mixed soap, warm water,

and a barrel of moxy. And he cleaned the heck out of that mug. And that is why it is my great honor to announce that the

fro will be Upper's employee of the month. [laughter] I did it. Up yours, balding. This must be k*lling you right now.

Congrats, my friend. Oh, thanks. Listen, man. I couldn't have done it without watching this awesome clip. Dove into a shallow pool, broke

his neck, and is paralyzed from the waist down, but has a surprisingly upbeat outlook on life Tony just sent us.

I haven't heard something so disturbingly guttural since my uncle with throat cancer sang the ha tora my bar mitzvah

interesting fact each Alaskans have , words for snow but apparently no way of Shut the up

the pro.

[music]

[laughter]

That dog's just doing this to make Teddy Rucksin jealous. [laughter] I really

I can't believe that dog gets to hump the same character I used to masturbate to.

Seriously, what does this dog have that I don't have?

Oh, I see. Okay, now I get it. That dog is way cool.

Oh god, he's licking it up. I get hungry afterwards, too, but not that hungry. Can I hit?

Okay. Well, one time. I haven't seen such a frantic hump since Quasimoto put off doing his taxes till April th.

[laughter]

I am on fire.

Wow. Deed, thanks to you, I finally made it onto this wall of glory. You really are my best friend.

I'm sure you'd do the same for me.

Employee of the month. Hey everybody, it's the new employee of the month or EOM as we like to call ourselves. Whoa, the EOM are actually here in my cubicle.

You guys are so cool. Welcome to the team, bro. Uh, my name is actually Fro. Welcome to the team, Fro. Well, really, my name is Elliot.

Welcome to the team, Elliot. But everyone calls me Fro. Welcome to the team, Fro. I think it's because of my hair. Welcome to the team, hair.

Oh, I get it. This is some hazing thing where you call me by the last thing I say.

No, it isn't. Say, "Hey, come on, new guy. We're heading off to do what employees of the month do. Pay four midgets to fight a sick tiger." Oh, that sounds awesome. Hey, can my best friend DJ come? I dig your sashes.

EOM emergency meeting. K. Fro, there's something you need to know about being an EOM pal. EOM don't hang with normos.

It's the way it's always been.

The way it must always be. So, I can't hang with my pal DJ anymore. I dig your sashes.

And we can't watch this awesome clip from Cashew Carl. [music] Yeah.

[music]

Welcome to the awkward foot locker. Can I interest you in something in my mouth?

I don't blame him. Toes are the boobies of the feet.

Sure, Tupperware is great to suck on your stepmother's toes in, but did you know it's also microwavable and keeps

leftovers fresh? Dude, you do not have to tell me about Tupperware.

You can lead a fat pervert to water, but you can't Oh, all right. Wait, I guess you can.

I'm just going to say it. I think Obama's new t*rture guidelines are making America less safe. There, I've said it. Can't take it back now.

[music]

That guy can hide behind his mask, but I think it's pretty obvious where Waldo is.

Dear diary, my name is Janie. Hi, Janie. Hi. And I'm years old.

Yeah, [screaming] I'm feeling very confused. [music] I still haven't gotten my period. Boo.

But that's why I have you, dear diary, to tell you what I'm feeling. Ah, great. Another period piece.

This is me on a typical day at Central Junior High. Hey, Jamie. Did you get it yet?

Hey, Jamie. Did you get it yet?

This isn't right. Those other girls are rubbing their periods in Janie's face.

[laughter]

Dear diary, guess what finally happened to me last night? It was during dinner.

This broad is the most self-involved young writer since Diablo Cody. And then it happened.

Yeah.

How cool would it be if you heard a noise every time a girl had a period? Excuse me. I'm going to the bathroom.

Of course, dear.

Yeah. [screaming] Ah, I got it. Sounds like Janie's got it. Got what?

She's got her period, son. It means she's a woman now, dear. Don't look any different to me.

This girl is like a hockey game. The first period is very exciting and then every period after that gets even bloodier.

[laughter]

[music]

See, now that's exactly the sort of fraternizing with normos that we can't tolerate. I'm so excited to hang out with you guys. I even have my own sash.

I'm sorry, but you can't come DJ. This is an EOM only event.

But fro, but nothing. Leave us the hell alone, Normo. Let's go, new cool friends.

Okay, I'll just go return my sash at the sash store now.

DJ, the pro

Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. Oh, hey Fro. I haven't seen you around much and you haven't returned any of my letters. I can't help but feel like you're blowing me off.

Oh, yeah. That's because I am, Dee. It's just because I'm hanging out with a much cooler group of people. Hey, but thanks so much for the flowers and naming a

star after me. That was awesome. How could you? I thought we were friends, Froph.

We were, dee. But I'm an EOM now, so I'm doing a lot of cooler stuff. But hey,

that doesn't mean we can't watch this clip that Luca just sent us. Luca from the second floor.

Yeah, she lives upstairs from me. I think you've seen her before.

Well, nothing could possibly go wrong here. Yeah.

Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight.

Yeah. Another fight over whose shirt is grayer.

I haven't seen so many bad hooks since Rihanna's last album.

I'm more Italianer than you.

I'm more Italianer than you. I'm way more attracted to you. I'm way more attracted to you. This punch will help subdue my h*m*.

I'm sorry, officer. It was either this or romantic dinner followed by a cabernet filled evening of wiener tickling. [laughter]

Dude, is that tree talking smack? Oh, I know that tree is not talking smack to me.

That guy plants his face into more wood than Blanch from the Golden Girls.

[laughter]

She's next to die.

Those Canadians sure are whiners. I can't believe they call this Canada's /.

Hey, Frozone. We're going to the dialysis center to flaunt our working kidneys.

I am so there. Let me just blow off this normal. You know, I bet your sexy new friends wouldn't be so buudzy wudsy with you if they knew the truth about who washed what mug when.

Oh, you wouldn't dare, Normo.

No. [cough] Attention everyone. From IVth does not deserve to be employee of the month

because Fro did not wash that mug. I washed it.

Trying to steal your friend's prize out of desperate jealousy. That is so sad.

If you really think Fro could have washed that mug, then let's see him wash one.

Uh well uh [laughter] you see I uh tomorrow office kitchen high noon.

Oh, it is on normal.

[music]

DJ the pro.

Yeah. [screaming] Somebody order Kungpow chicken to go.

If you think this video is hilarious, you should see the one where he puts the plastic bag on his baby. Man, this is

the coolest cat that can't see since Ray Charles.

Old bags always think a cat will fill the void inside of them.

And so, blog readers, tomorrow at noon, the whole office is going to find out Fro does not deserve to be employee of

any month, not even February, the [ __ ] of months. And so ends this edition of the DJ Daily. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm.

Oh, the kitchen lights still on. Oh, man. That would have been an awesome thing to put in the dish daily.

[crying]

[laughter]

I've been trying to clean this mug for hours. I can't do it. And now the EOM are going to find out I'm a fraud. I don't deserve to live.

[sighs and gasps]

First thing you need to do is use a sponge instead of a pile of dirt.

Oh, de you do know that you're helping me changes nothing. Tomorrow when I wash that mug, I'll go back to being an

employee of the month and you'll go back to being a normo.

I know, Fro, but you know what? I I don't care. Now, come on. We've only got hours to teach you how to wash a mug.

[music]

Oh, bro. That's too clean. Oh,

[music]

it's no use, Deej. I've already lost two fingers. I can't learn how to clean a mug in the next minutes. I'm doomed.

Hey, the Majestic Mormon Marshmallow sent us a clip to the computers.

So, I saw a guy on MySpace called Beardpic, and he had , toothpicks in his beard.

I think this guy grew that beard to distract us from that stupid hat.

[laughter]

We got to try ,. Let's see if we could do it.

[music]

Do you have any idea how many trees had to die so we could make this video? I don't know. Like a like a branch. Yeah, I think that sounds about right.

This guy has more wood in his face than Harvey Milk.

Well, no one can ever say this guy didn't have a lot of toothpicks in his beard.

Tell me why. Why must I cry?

[music]

Why must I cry? Why must I cry? Why must I cry? Why? Why must I cry?

Wait, who's he running from? His voice coach. Why must I cry? Why must I cry?

Why must you cry, you ask? Maybe because Tracy Morgan stole your stick.

Or maybe because my says you are the father.

Or because it's a safe and efficient way to remove dirt particles and allergens from your eye.

Or because they're out of Shark Fin suit.

Or because you can't get the smell of flaming' hot Cheetos out of your mustache. Or because your fish are being eaten one at a time by that cool eel you just had to have.

Or because he dumped Melissa on the After the Final Rose special and chose a skankier one.

You [screaming] b*stard. You know I haven't watched that yet.

It's not my fault you left it on the to for months.

[music]

I'm worried about this guy. He seems really depressed.

It's nothing a soapy shower or run through the woods and some batting practice can't fix DJ the pro.

[music]

Ooh, it looks like the fro bro is going to be a no-show. Guess he's not EOM material after all.

Like hell I'm not,

[screaming] bro. [music]

Here goes nothing. Come on, buddy. You can do this.

Yeah. No, do it. No.

Yeah. [screaming]

[music]

I did it. I really did it. Go.

We knew you could do It doesn't seem that difficult to clean a mug. See everyone, I do deserve to be an EOM.

And DJ is nothing more than my best friend. The truth is, it was DJ

who cleaned the mug [music] in the first place. And I don't care about being some stupid employee of the month. All I care

about is being a best friend of the month. Oh, Fro.

Let's go see if Toddler Slicer sent us any more awesome clips to the computers.

[laughter]

Don't let it win.

DJ the pro. Dear diary, I'm feeling very confused.

Dear diary, Janie is so pretty. I've been watching her for a while now, following her, walking past her house at night, making sure she's safe. But it's

like she doesn't even know I exist. Does she know that we're meant to be together? I was reading in this mag.

Dear diary, I hid in a locker in the girl's locker room today to make sure Janie was remaining faithful to me. I am such an idiot. Why did I bring my clarinet into the locker?

I think Janie heard me. And I got it.

Dear diary, turns out Janie just got her period. She's a woman now. No longer interested. [music]

DJ the proje.

[music]

DJ the proje.

[music]

The fro chirp.

[music]