01x01 - Had This Crazy Dream

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: This program
is rated 14+,

and contains scenes of
violence, coarse language,

and mature subject matter.

Viewer discretion is advised.

- Buscemi: Hello?
- Hi. Uh, Steve.

Mister--
Uh, it's Jordan.

- How are you doing?
- Good. Yeah. What's up?

So, I'm sh**ting
my sketch show,

and it's kind of like a
"Twilight Zone" sketch show.

And, um,
we're looking for a host,

for, like, a screen legend
to be-- such as yourself

to be the host of the show,
and I was--

Oh, thank you.

Listen,
I'm really busy now,

but thank you for
thinking of me.

Really, I appreciate it.

Yeah.
[ Clears throat ]

Yeah, totally.
Uh, totally. Um...

What about
"StopAsianHate," though?

Wh-- What?

You know, it's just--
it's a shame,

because this is the first
Asian sketch show ever.

Uh-huh.

Is that right?
I don't know.

- Wow. Yeah.
- Look it up.

No, uh, congratulations.
That's cool.

And so don't you think
that that's important or...

Of course I do.
What do you mean? Yeah, sure.

It'd almost be r*cist
if you didn't do it.

- Wh...
- Right?

- What?
- Man: Here we go. And...

Woman: Alright. Two.
Take two. Mark.

[ Clack echoes ]

Hush.
Don't wake him.

He'll be having
his night terrors soon.

♪

Oh.

It's almost time.

You're about to enter a realm.

A realm of
desire, dread,

fantasy,
dreams and nightmares,

hopes and horrors.

Welcome to
"The Terrors."

♪

Okay, everybody,
listen up!

I need you all
up against the wall!

Right now! Go!

Go, go, go!
[ Beeping ]

No funny business!

Reporter:
We are joining you live

from Brockton Savings Bank,

where an armed man is holding
five customers hostage.

We are now getting word
that the police are bringing in

veteran negotiator
Lieutenant James McMurphy.

Okay. What do we know?
Chris Fagan, 34, no priors.

Hey, Lieutenant McMurphy here.

You pigs try
anything funny,

I'm gonna k*ll every single
person in here.

I don't think that's
what you want.

- You don't know what I want.
- Maybe not.

But if you promise me
to keep these people safe,

I promise you I'll do everything
in my power to make it happen.

Just tell me
what you want, Chris.

I want to be
a famous snake.

♪

I'm sorry, Chris.
I-I don't think I caught that.

I said I want to be
a famous snake.

And if you can't
get on board with that,

then everyone in here
is going to die!

Chris, hey, I hear you.
I get you.

- You do?
- Yeah.

Uh...
[ Computer keys clacking ]

you want to be
a famous snake.

Oh, okay.
Famous sn...?

I don't know.
Uh, so, when do we get started?

When you say
you want to be a famous snake,

are we talking, like,
a motorcycle g*ng?

What the f*ck did
you just say to me?

I just wanted to clarify.
[ g*nshots ]

You said you understood me!

Do I look like I want to be
a big, fat motorcycle guy?!

Is that what I sound
like to you?!

[ Screaming ]

Chris, Chris, Chris!
I hear you, okay?

I get you.

You want to be a famous snake.

Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.

Okay, so, um,
in terms of specifics,

do you mean, like,
you want to be a movie star

who plays a snake
in a movie?

Are you playing games
with me, man?

I thought you said you wanted
to get these people out safe!

Why am I not
a famous snake yet?!

Uh, Chris,
we're working on it.

No, we're not.
Working on what?

- Dude!
- I got an idea.

Why don't you name some

famous snakes, okay?

Well, I know them all,

but I actually don't feel like
naming any right now.

How about if I name some?

- Kaa from "The Jungle Book."
- Kaa from "The Jungle Book."

- Sir Hiss, "Robin Hood,"
- Sir Hiss from "Robin Hood."

Oh, what about
Medusa's hair?

McMurphy: Medusa's hair.
There's a lot of snakes there.

Nagini from
"Harry Potter"?

[ g*n c*ck ]
Get the f*ck back!

I'm the one calling
the shots here, not you!

I'm the one who gets to be
a famous snake, not you!

- [Screams]
- Chris, Chris!

Hey, I need you to
calm down, buddy, okay?

There's a basilisk
from "Harry Potter"

and the serpent from
Adam and Eve in the Bible.

Oh, Eakins
from Pokémon.

Yeah.
Eakins from Pokémon.

Ekans.

Ekans.
That's what I said.

♪

You really know a lot
of those guys, huh?

Yeah, I guess I do.

Okay, listen up!
I changed my mind!

I don't want to be
a famous snake anymore!

I want to be something else!

Alright,
what is it now, Chris?

I want to be
a hostage negotiator,

just like you.

♪

♪

Chris: Whoops.
My bad.

[ Gavel bangs ]

Mr. Langford,
in my many years on this bench,

I've judged men of every stripe,

men of every station,

from the lowly dirt farmer

to the well-heeled
captain of industry.

But I must say, your crimes
represent the darkest strain

of moral corruption
this bench has ever observed.

Your Honor,
there's been a mistake.

I am innocent.
I was framed.

Hold your tongue, son.

Lest you desecrate
Lady Justice any further.

The 12 good men and women
of the jury

have found you guilty
beyond any reasonable doubt.

And after due consideration
for the proper punishment,

given the wickedness
of your crime,

I hereby sentence you to 15

hugs and kisses
from the nearest judge.

[ Gavel bangs,
spectators murmuring ]

Holy f*cking sh*t!
What the f*ck?

What?

What...
What does that mean?

Are your ears as
touched and tainted

as your
sense of justice, sonny?

No.
Um... it's just,

did you say
my punishment is


from the nearest judge?

Bailiff, please consult our
federal statutes and tell me,

where might the nearest judge be
at this moment in time?

♪

Your Honor,
the nearest judge is

located in
this very courtroom.

The nearest judge,
Your Honor, is you.

God!

Ain't that a fine
how-do-you-do?

[ Laughs ]

Is this what
you wanted?

- You asked for fif--
- Easy, boy. Easy.

Well, then,
let's get on with it.

Why are you sad?
This is fine.

Is this, like, bad?

I'm so sorry, son.

I have failed you.

What happens now
is between you and God.

So, sorry, um,
just to clarify,

I am innocent, but this is
my punishment for manslaughter?

Stand still now, son.

Ooh,
you disgust me.

♪

[ Spectators gasping,
murmuring ]

[ Gasping,
murmuring continues ]

[ Gasping,
murmuring continues ]

Lawyer:
Holy f*cking sh*t!

[ Gavel bangs ]

♪

♪

♪

Do you know if you need
a key to the bathroom?

Uh... I don't know.

♪

My wife's Korean.

Cool.
That's, uh...

That's cool.

♪

Is this cr*cker
bothering you?

No.
No, it's okay.

What the hell, man?
Hey, don't touch me, cr*cker!

Guys, it's okay.
It's fine, it's fine.

You're safe
with me.

My wife...

she's Vietnamese.

♪

Cool.

Awesome.

[ Insects chirping ]

Man: Chinese.

What?

My wife is Chinese.

Oh. Okay.

♪

[ Car door closes ]

♪

I don't know what it is,
but I feel like every guy

in their 50s and 60s

needs to tell me
their wife is Asian.

Like, I can hear them
all the time.

They're always around.

Maybe they're just trying
to relate to you?

Have you been sleeping okay?
You look exhausted.

♪

Hey.

You guys are in
analytics, right?

Yeah.

I met my wife in Osaka.

♪

[ Laughs evilly ]

♪

Osaka is beautiful.

I love her so much.

But now...

now they want to take
away our right

to say we have Asian wives.

She married me,
so obviously I'm a good guy!

- Jordan?
- Yes.

We have
a cabin in Michigan.

Go, go,
go, go, go!

Mendoza?

Huh.

It's a Spanish name,
an Asian face.

You must be Filipino.

♪

Like my wife.

[ Screams ]

Okay, show's over.

Wake up!

[ Gasps ]

♪

♪