01x02 - This Idiot Is Freaking Out

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: This program
is rated 14+,

and contains scenes of
violence, coarse language,

and mature subject matter.

Viewer discretion is advised.

My name is Jordan.

I'm a financial analyst

and a hopeless romantic.

And I'm here to fall in love.

So, unfortunately,
I am going home.

Um, she found out I was
Asian right away.

Uh, but which is understandable.

And, um...

And no worries.

Uh, we'll see where

the journey of love
takes me next.

Um...

♪ It's 1:00 a.m.,
we've come this far ♪

Yeah, no worries.

Hush. Don't wake him.

He'll be having
his night terrors soon.

♪

Oh.

It's almost time.

♪

You're about to enter a realm.

A realm of desire, dread,

fantasy,
dreams and nightmares,

hopes and horrors.

Welcome to
"The Terrors."

What's wrong
with David?

Oh, he gets like this
around his birthday.

Yeah, but don't worry.

We got a little surprise
to cheer him up.

Oh, yeah?
What's the surprise?

Okay, so, you know
how much he loves magic

and Harry Potter?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, so we got him
a letter from Hogwarts

saying that he got in.

[ Laughs ]
That's so sweet.

I know.
Yeah. Oh.

It's coming down the chimney
right now.

Oh. Okay.
Oh.

Hon, something just
came down the chimney for you.

What is it?

Um, it's a letter
from Hogwarts.

[ Gasps ] Ooh!
Ooh!

♪

"Dear Mr. David Santos,"

we are pleased to inform you
that you have been accepted...

to Hogwarts School
of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Apologies for the delay.

Your letter was stuck in
an owl's nest for a few decades.

Term begins 1 September.
Minerva McGonagall."

Yay!
Whoo!

Marisa: Happy birthday.
Yay!

I always knew I was special.

And you all
thought I was a loser.

But look at me now.

I'm a wizard.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, David, you do know
that that's not--

Shut the f*ck up,
Marisa.

Oh.

Our whole lives,
you pitied me.

Mom and dad, too.

I mean, they love
you more, right?

Do you deny it?
They love you more.

And it's just
because you're cuter.

But now I pity you,

you Muggle sl*t.

Whoa!
Whoa. Sweetie...

Yeah, sweetie.
Kathleen, my wife,

who recoils
when I touch her.

Sorry. Should I
not have told them?

I bet they know.
They can tell. Right?

You can tell
I don't have sex.

Guess what.

I don't have to pretend
to love you anymore.

I'm going to Hogwarts.
[ Laughs ]

It's fake.
It's a joke gift, David.

What?

Jesus Christ.

Dude, you are a


Filipino man.

Why would you get
a letter to Hogwarts?

Because there was a mix-up.

The letter got stuck in
an owl's nest.

It said so.
It said so in the letter!

Look, why don't we just--
Get the f*ck away from me!

Da-- Oh, my God.
Oh!

David!
[ Screams ]

Slow down.
Hand me the poker.

Avada Kedavra!

Did you just try to k*ll me?

No.

I see a broomstick.

Okay.
I see a br--

Okay.
Da-- David...

Best to take it
at a run.

No! No, no, no!
David!

[ Poker clangs ]

You're a wizard, David!

Really?!

I guess I do kind of
look like Dan Schneider.

No.

[ Laughter ]
Okay, you guys.

This morning, Riley asked
if I wanted any

hot ergonomics tips.

Ew!

Isn't that--
What are you doing?

What are you doing?
She's so weird.

Come on, guys.
Riley's... nice.

Okay, so go
eat lunch with her

and get some sexy
ergonomics tips.

Oh, my God.
Jordan, here's your chance.

She's coming,
she's coming, she's coming.

♪

Good afternoon.

Hey, Riley.
What's up?

Oh. Nothing much. I'm having
a dinner party on Friday.

College friends, conversation.

Just a
standard dinner party.

♪

So, are you
inviting us?

Oh, right.
Yeah, if you want.

I mean,
it's just a dinner party.

Nothing different about it.

No performing arts of any kind.
Just standard conversation.

Aaron: What?
[ Laughter ]

Right.
Actually, you know,

Jordan was looking for
some Friday night plans.

Isn't that right, Jordan?
No, I wasn't.

You don't have to come.

It's just a dinner party.

I just wanted to
make that clear

that I'm having a very standard
dinner party, nothing more.

♪

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God!

Okay. Come on.
Guys, that was mean.

Okay, so go to
her dinner party then.

You know what?
Maybe I will.

You're such a hero.

Aaron: Fine. Go.

Enjoy yourself.

Bye.
Your funeral.

Hey, Riley. Um...

I'm sorry about those guys.
They, uh...

[ Triumphant music plays ]
You've just had a breakthrough!

Oh. What's that?
HeadKings.

It's a combo online talk
therapy/sports-betting app.

Oh, nice.

Um, so, I'd love to come
to your dinner party on Friday.

You would?

Yeah.
It sounds fun.

Uh, should I
bring anything or...

Uh, maybe some waters.

Oh, okay.

♪

Hey!

It's, uh-- It's me,
Jordan from-- from work.

I'm here for
the dinner party.

[ Sighs ]
Of course.

So sorry.
Brain fog.

Please, come in.
Can I take your coat?

Oh. Uh...
I'm not wearing a coat.

Oh, right, right.
Of course. Very good.

Wow!

Um, so, you said this was going
to be your college friends?

Yeah.

Yeah, I told
everyone 7:00.

They must be running
a little bit late.

Hey, man, do I have
your consent to engage

in some deep talk?

Like heart-to-heart stuff.

Oh, sure.

Okay. Great.

Meet me in the living room.

♪

♪

You got to keep this on the DL,
but you're cool, so between us?

I've got something
cooking tonight.

What?
I got something
cooking tonight.

But it's gotta stay
between us, okay?

Fight Club rules.
Yeah, sure.

You know how you're not allowed
to host any poetry readings that

aren't officially sanctioned
by the Slammers Union?

No.
The Slammers Union?

The Slammers Union
has an iron fist

on all the poetry readings
in the city, okay?

They run this town.

They're like the Sopranos,
only violent.

But honestly, dude,
they're threatened.

They're threatened by
up-and-coming talent like me.

And I'm f*cking sick of it.
So tonight, we rise up.

We?
Like a big F-you
to the Slammers Union.

Our own secret reading.

Okay. Um...

Riley, listen,
I'm not much of a poetry guy.

Keep your voice down.

The Slammers Union
cannot find out about this,

or else.

Or else what?

They'll slam us.

Oh, sh*t! Okay.
Show's in five minutes.

I gotta go in
the greenroom.

Remember,
Fight Club rules.

♪

♪

[ Sighs ]

♪

[ Rock music playing ]

Thank you, thank you!

[ Laughs ]

Who's ready
for some slam poetry?

Slam poetry deserves
to be free and uncaged.

Tonight is our revolution.

Uh, excited to share
a new work.

It's called
"Welcome to My World of Piss."

Why do people lie.
[ Jazz music playing ]

Tell me if you dare to try.

Why can't they
look me in the eye?

Right before they say,
"Bye-bye."

Today, I will journey
my imagination reverie.

Blonde, brunette, redhead,
what shall I be?

Did you know
that I can talk to g*ns?

[ Laughs ]

Mommy, daddy,
does that sound fun?

[ Clicks tongue ]

Ooh, I've got an idea,
President Bush.

Why don't you rank
all the r*cist faces?

One black, two white,
three Filipino.

Filipino?
What does he know?

Aren't all Filipinos bad, though?

Turns out they've never met
my friend from work.

He's one of the good Asians.

And that's "Hallelujah,"
written by Susan Boyle.

Makes me feel sad as hell
every time you hear it.

Before the day
that I reach my end.

I hope to meet
that ultimate guy friend.

He doesn't flee
whenever I enter.

We study Sublime tabs
at Guitar Center.

[ Pounding on door ]

What was that?

The door.

Sounded like a slam.

No, I think it was knocking
at the door.

[ Pounding continues ]

Calm down. It's--
You have to k*ll me!

What the f*ck?!
What the f*ck?!
Please.

Just do it.
I can't do it myself. Please.

Put the g*n away.
[ Pounding continues ]

I texted our friends.
They're our co-workers.

They're here.
Go. Stay low.

Riley, be normal!

[ Pounding continues ]

It's our co-workers.
See?

- Hi!
- Hi!

New besties.
Are we interrupting?

[ Laughs ] Sorry. I thought
you were someone else.

Looks like you guys are
having a little poetry night.

You guys having fun?

[ Laughs ] Yeah.

Riley was just trying
out some of her new material.

Jen: That's great.

So, can I see your papers

or talk to your steward, maybe?

What?

Well, you're having
a slam poetry night,

so I assume
you're in the book.
Ooh!

And you must have
your union cards on you?

Unless we have a problem
we need to deal with?

Oh, God.

You wouldn't be
trying to pull a...

a rat job, now,
would you?

Sure looks like
a rat job to me.

Riley: No, please.
Guys, come on. Are you...

Please don't slam me.
...f*cking around?

Please don't slam me,
I respect the union.

Stay still,
you lowlife scab!

Please don't slam me.

Please! No! Please!
Please don't slam me! Please!

All: Slam!

[ Groans ]

Slam!
[ Screams ]

Slam!

Slam!

Slam!

Slam!

[ Groans ]
Slam!

Run! Run!
Slam!

Slam! Slam!

Slam!
[ Screams ]

Slam!

[ Gasps ]

♪

Say you're Hagrid.
I don't know, man.

Look me in the eyes
and say you're Hagrid.

I'll suck your d*ck
if you say you're Hagrid.

Come on.
Please, please!

Hey, hey!
Please!

I just need you
to say you're Hagrid!

I would rather
hang myself...