01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

[Boris]: Oh, is Joanne
posting thirst traps?

[Ann]: Yeah, she's having
a full meltdown.

I guess she's trying
to get Leanne's attention,

or something.
I don't know.

Three likes and no comments.
Oof.

This supposed to make
Leanne jealous?

I mean, I don't know.
I think she looks kind of cute.

Oh, my God. Oh, oh.

So, uh, you wanted
to talk strategy?

Yeah, I did until
I saw these photos.

Joanne, this is a disgrace.
I cannot sponsor a team

whose most important team member
is posting thirst traps

on the internet at 3 a.m.
What are you, drunk?

I wish, um...

I'm going through a breakup.
- I really don't wanna know

about your personal life--
I don't care.

It was the other
coach on the team--

What?! You're dating
someone on your own team?

Aren't there rules against
dating your coworkers?

Teammates? Uh, no.
But there should be.

Yeah, no, well,
there have to be,

because this,
this can never happen again.

Ugh, God.
- You know what, Barb?

That is a great idea.

Yeah, you'll find
I'm full of them, I know.

Okay, get out. I have
to brainstorm campaign ads

that appeal to poor people
and women over 60.

Yeah, thanks.

And Joanne,
you're too old for thirst traps.

Just get a dog.
Get a small, stupid dog.

Get off the internet.

[theme music]

I should've known
something was up

when she asked to borrow
my Viking sword.

[Joanne]: Take a good long look.
- Oh!

I know what I did,
and I'm not proud of myself.

- Why haven't you deleted them?
- Self-punishment.

And as a reminder that love
will make you do stupid stuff.

Me and Leanne's fights
lost us how many championships?

Love and sports do not mix.

And that is why I brought these.

Non-fraternization agreements?

Oh, NFAs.
They made us sign these

at space camp last summer.

"Under no circumstances
shall a team member

enter into a sexual
or romantic relationship

with another team member,
including prolonged hugs"?

That's right.
No inter-team dating,

no inter-team sex.

Leanne and I were a problem,

and we cannot
let that happen again.

What happens if we have sex
with somebody by accident?

Page six, any breach
of the term set herein

result in immediate
termination from the team.

- You'll kick us off the team?
- I'm not trying to be negative,

Joanne, but...
these didn't work

at space camp, except for on me,
but that's not

because I wasn't trying.
- Okay, uh, listen up everybody.

I think that today,
maybe especially today,

we should listen to Joanne
and do what she asks, okay?

No, no, no, no, no.
I don't want

your pity signatures
because I posted those...

shameful photos.
- Well...

that's what you getting.
- Okay, fine.

[chuckling]
You guys don't want to have sex

with each other anyway, right?
It like sleeping with a cousin.

Yeah. Or like having sex
with your sister, you know?

Or sex with your mom.

Or sex with your,
with your grandmom.

[door opening]

[clearing throat]
- Barb, hey, what a surprise.

Oh, yes, this will do nicely.

- Sorry, what?
- I saw you getting

into your shitty car, and I had
a stroke of brilliance.

I need to show
this town that yes,

I am a powerful businesswoman
with a four-bedroom houseboat.

But I can also toss a ball
around with sad losers like you.

So, you are all
going to be starring

in my campaign video with me.

Camera crew
gets here in an hour.

We're going to be on TV?
[gasping]

- Yes!
- Uh, that's cool, Barb,

but we need to practice today.

- Oh, come on, Joanne.
- Come on!

TV ready. One hour, capiche?
Good.

Okay, and God.

To anticipate, I need
to get my outdoor shoes on.

Okay.

Woof.

Boris! Don't be a perv.
Look away.

Um, sorry, does it say
somewhere in there

that, um, we can't have sex
with the team sponsor?

- Mm-hmm, yes.
- sh*t.

[Barb]: Alright, I'm leaving.
Don't think about sex.

Joanne's rule.
[running water]

[wolf whistling]

What'd I miss?

So sometimes, you know,
you got a friend in need

and you want
to help them out--

- Joanne.
- You do, but then,

you watch a real sexy person

walkin' outta the shower--
- Mel!

And then you realize that what
your friend actually needs

is to realize that
"no sex contracts" are stupid

and she needs to take them back
so that I can have

more sex with Barbara
in the back

of the Taco Bell parking lot.

Joanne, uh,
about those contracts.

Yeah, I actually think
that I signed mine wrong--

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, there's no
going back on these.

[huffing]
We are all in this

"no sex" thing together.

But Joanne,
we're gonna be famous.

You can't cage us in
if we're gonna be TV stars

in Barb's commercial.

Yeah, and we gotta look good.

So, I do have my kit in my car

if anybody wants like
a little mini makeover.

- I want one.
- Yes, Zari.

And clothes too.
[gasping]

There's some amazing bras
in the Lost and Found.

[Lee]: Oh, I saw them.
- Okay, guys,

can we just focus?

Not let our brains turn to mush

because we're gonna be
on local television.

I beg of you.
Can I have those? Thank you.

Look, if you want to get
your makeup done by Sasha

and pick a bra from
the Lost and Found, go for it.

But can we, can we just get
one good hour of practicing

before Barb gets back?

Please?

Meet me on the field.

The last time someone
filmed one of my lectures,

I had huge pit stains
and that's on YouTube forever.

I need to look hot
if I'm gonna be on TV.

Yeah, but I mean, aren't we
on TV, like, right now?

Yeah, but that's not
like real TV.

- Mm.
- No offense,

but no one's ever
gonna watch this, right?

[chuckling]
- They'll be too busy watching

boom, boom, boom.

[together]: Oh!

Oh!

[Boris]: He k*lled her
with his boobs!

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey. There you are.

- Yeah, hi.
- I just, um,

wanted to just have
a little quick chat

about, uh, that kiss,
the kiss last week?

[rock music]

Yeah, sorry you had to do that.

Oh, God, don't apologize.
Honestly, seeing the look

on Leanne's face,


Yeah? You think she bought it?
[chuckling]

Yeah, why wouldn't she?

Come on, a girl like you,
a girl like me.

Yeah, but I guess
this whole NFA thing

means that that can
never happen again, so...

- Exactly. Yeah.
- Right, um...

Looks like you're
just gonna have to have

your hot girl summer
with a bunch of babes

that don't play slo pitch.
[chuckling]

Yeah, hot girl summer.
Totally.

Thank you, global warming!

[chuckling]

[sighing]

[Boris, whispering]: Oh,
she's coming. Look sharp!

Psst, Sasha! Come here!
[Ann]: Sasha, get over here.

- Why are you guys hiding?
- Hurry up, hurry up.

We're on a top secret mission
and we're here to recruit you.

Forget about face paint stuff.

- You have a higher calling now.
- Yes.

- Okay, what's that?
- You gotta help us

get Joanne to burn
those contracts.

- Mm-hmm.
- So we need you to step in

and help us, uh, guide Joanne
down a little lane

we like to call--
- Horny Lane.

So we're all gonna put on
our best Tobey Maguire acts

and we're going
to seduce Joanne.

- Tobey Maguire?
- Spider-Man. Iconic Playboy.

- Okay...
- Then, when she's

inflamed with lust,
she will realize

the error of her ways
and take back the contracts.

Well, you know what?
Joanne did say

that she is down
for a hot girl summer.

- A hot girl summer?
- Yeah, that's what she said.

And honestly, I respect it.
- No, no, no, no.

Joanne is not ready
for real women.

- No.
- No.

Not of that. No.

If she's gonna rebound,
she's gonna do it

with someone,
you know, low stakes.

- Yeah.
- Relatable--

Someone that's been single
for seven years

and doesn't get attached?
- Well, you said it, not me.

Exactly.

[huffing]

All right, you freaks.
I'm in.

Yes!

- It'll be fun.
- Yeah, oh yes.

- You won't regret it.
- It'll be fun.

- You'll have a great time.
- What is the plan?

[playful music]

[keys jingling]

Hey Lee, um,
I got some bad news.

I gotta help Ann and Boris
convince Joanne

to take back the NFAs.
But good news is, I brought Mel

to help you here
with the makeovers.

That's my kit.
- Me?

Enjoy! Have fun, you two!

Oh, I don't know how to do
the makeup stuff.

[door shutting]

Um...
- This is not my idea

of fun, bro.
- I... okay.

Let's just see what we can do.

[sighing]
- I don't understand

why they want
to cancel the NFAs.

Aren't you all like cousins

who don't want to sleep
with each other anyway?

Yeah, but I think that changed
when Anne

saw you getting out
of the shower.

Oh my god, I knew it.

What?

It's happening all over again.

I could see the looks.
- Uh, sorry.

Are you okay?

It's my animal magnetism.

I'm a baddie,
everybody wants me.

And it's like, bro,
I don't even try.

[slaps leg]
It's like the less I try,

the more chicks
throw themselves at me.

Wish I could have
that problem.

What if you try doing
the opposite?

- What?
- Like if you try really hard

then maybe your casual mystique
won't be so unstoppable.

Smart. It should work
on these h*m*, right?

- I think so.
- Yo!

Cover me in this sh*t, dog.
[laughing]

Yeah, that the only way
these freaks

are gonna leave me alone.

I wanna look like one
high-maintenance b*tch.

- YouTube tutorial.
- Yeah, let's go.

Whoa.

- There she is...
- Ready to be seduced.

Okay, let me
tell you my plan first.

- Yeah, okay.
- Gather around, gather around.

Okay, I'm thinking I'm gonna go
the nostalgia route.

- Nice!
- Because get this, get this,

Joanne and I kissed
in high school.

- What?
- Really?

Yeah, it was a joke

and she was like going through
this meatball sub phase,

absolutely disgusting,
but, pfft,

like, let's be real,
she probably loved it.

- Definitely.
- Yeah.

Okay, Boris, what you got?

Okay, so I find that
I have a lot of success

commenting incessantly
on women's pictures

on the internet,
so I'm going to spam

Joanne's thirst traps.
- Okay, yeah.

- Sasha.
- Sasha.

Great, well, uh, I figured

I'd go for the classic.
I'd ask Joanne

to help me with my batting,
and then when she helps me,

our hands will touch.
It'll be electric and I'll say--

- No, no, no, no, no.
- No.

What is this, Heated Rivalry?
Absolutely not.

No, no, no.
Cute, not Joanne's type.

[Sasha]: What's Joanne's type?

- Well, hot, mean, narcissistic.
- Yep.

And you're only
one of those things.

- Hot, right?
- Yeah.

Yeah, but there's still
two pieces missing.

Mm-hmm.

Guys, you want me
to be mean to Joanne?

- Yes!
- Yes!

Yeah, I guess Leanne
was a huge b*tch.

Exactly.

[sighing]
- Okay.

Okay, you go first,
and I'll teach Sasha

how to be a b*tch. Go.

[romantic jazzy music]

Hey, uh, Joanne.

One special drink
for a special lady.

Coming up. Go on.

Oh, thanks, but, uh,

I try not to drink vodka
before 2 p.m.

[chuckling]
- You and your rules, my god.

Just have a little sip.

Goes great with a meatball sub.
[sighing]

Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

Oh, will they, won't they?

[coughs]

[cup thudding]

Sorry. That was good.
It was good.

It was just, uh,
it's practice time.

Guys!

[sighs]

Okay, open your eyes.

Oh, bro!

More! Do more!
- Okay, okay.

[sighing]

I almost asked that b*tch out
and I'm nervous.

[laughing]

[playful music]

No, do you want
a powered hit?

Um, may I?
- Uh, yes.

Okay, so you have to shift
your weight to your back leg.

[chuckling]
And then you drive

with your hips.

[Sasha]: Shift, drive...

Oh, God, what is
this wholesome a*s sh*t?

I don't know,
I thought you taught her

how to be a b*tch.
- Ugh...

What the f*ck is this?
[Joanne]: Yeah!

- Come on.
- Yeah, you got this.

That's it.

Thanks! Well...

Somebody has to,
because you suck at this.

[chuckling]

Okay, sorry.

Yeah, well, you should be.

Why don't you try
for once in your life,

you bad, bad girl.

You bad, bad girl!

Get over here and help me.

Get over here and touch my body.

[screaming]: Touch my body
right now!

Honestly,
I'm a little bummed out.

I would have loved
to be a part of

the Seduce Joanne campaign,
but...

Zari, perfect.
I need your help figuring out

what to comment on
Joanne's muscle pics.

- You need my help?
- Yes, of course.

You're so good with words.
Okay, so,

I want to say something like,
"hot a*s,"

but in the way
that Joanne would like.

Okay. Um, how about
irrefutable evidence

that squats are an art form?

Or-or-or this derriere
has been peer-reviewed?

I think I'm gonna go
with hot a*s.

Do you want to hear
another one?

Those glutes are giv--

[Joanne]: What the f*ck is
Bobs and vagine?

I think I know what's going on.

Yeah, I made inter-team
dating forbidden,

and now everybody's
hot for Coach.

But I can't have them
being frisky

and then causing drama
on the field. I...

[Sasha moaning]

I can use this to my advantage.

What's the best way to stop
kids from smoking cigarettes?

You make them smoke
the whole pack.

Ah, ew.

Perfect.

And these shoulder pads
will complete the look.

Put them on.

[door opening]

Ah, Lee! There you are.
I need a favor, buddy.

Okay.

You don't want to sleep
with anyone on the team, do you?

- Well, I...
- Good lad.

Okay, here's a plan.
We're gonna turn

this entire place
into a Greek bathhouse.

I need everyone to want
to kiss each other

until they're gonna puke.

So they get it
all out of their systems?

Yes. You're gonna turn
everyone into stone-cold foxes.

- Ooh.
- Yeesh!

You guys are looking
like snacks.

Lee, I love the way
that my eyebrow

is just making a diamond.

- Mm-hmm!
- Yeah, fantastic work, Lee.

- Yeah.
- But I think that this would

be the perfect opportunity
to introduce you

to a little team building game
I like to call Spin the Bottle.

Well, that, uh,
a bit of a 180.

I like it,
I like it, don't get me wrong.

- Mm-hmm.
- What about those NFAs?

Oh, it's not a total 180, okay?

Maybe I was overreacting,
maybe I'm reconsidering,

but, uh, this actually
has nothing to do with that.

It has everything to do
with team building.

Yes, of course, team building.

So, uh, anyone got a bottle?

Yep, I do, yep,
I've got one, yep.

[locker opening]
[whispering]: Okay, so,

I think it is working.
Joanne is like super horned up.

Now we really just gotta
sell these kisses

so that she is wanting,
like, ah, I want so much more!

The idea of
kissing Joanne is like

really disgusting to me, but...

Duty calls.

[all cheering]

- Okay, let's go!
- All right, Boris!

Magic...

[all cheering]

Oh!

- Oh, boy! All right!
- Well, Joanne,

I hope you're ready
for all of this, uh...

spaghettis.
- Okay, yeah!

- Okay, here we go!
- Bring it on!

Okay, here we go!

Uh, yeah, okay, yep!

Mmm!
- Mmm!

Mmm!

- Mmm!
- Mmm!

Mmm!

- Mmm!
- Mmm!

[gasping]

[sighing]

Wasn't that the best kiss
you ever had?

That was, um... Woo!

- Yeah!
- Okay, uh,

let's keep the momentum up!
- My turn!

- Uh, how old are you again?
- 19.

Yeah, no, you're gonna
sit this one out.

Okay, my turn.

[bottle spinning]

Oh!
[all exclaiming]

Oh! Um...

I think that's probably
closer to me, right?

Yeah, I think you're right.
Okay?

No, no, no, that's definitely
closer to Zari.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay. Great.

You remember like an hour ago

when I was complaining about
feeling left out

of the seduce Joanne plan?

I wanna slap that girl.

Should we shake hands first?

[Boris]: Just kiss.
- Okay.

[others exclaiming]

Yeah!
[Joanne laughing]

That's how you do it, folks!
Okay, we're on a roll!

Just keep going!
- I think it's my turn now.

Okay, let's go Annie!

Whoa!

I mean, you and me,
everybody's been thinking it.

No.

This is f*cked.

Somebody's gotta say it.

You have the right idea
with the NFAs, Coach.

Yeah? You think so?

Listen,

my whole life, all I ever wanted
was to play pro.

I finally get there,
and this tight blonde

on first base asked me out.
[chuckles]

Then it was an outfielder,

then it was pitcher,
then it was second base.

I'm being torn to pieces by all
these chicks fighting over me.

sh*t.

I was stressed.
Cortisol through the roof.

First playoff game
of the season, tore my ACL.

Lost my contract,
lost my apartment.

Now I'm $30,000 in debt
living in a van,

sh1tting in a bucket,
and showering at the YMCA.

And I wish I could say
this was for the first time.

[sighing]

I once had sex
with this farmer,

but we had to break up

because he was so in love
with his horse.

I got a real weakness
for line cooks.

You know, all that free food?
Can't get enough of it.

I don't care
how many felonies they have.

I've never had a girlfriend.

[Boris sighs]
- This one time

when I was 14 and...
really in love

with this lady that I met
on the computer.

[approaching footsteps]
Hi, Barb!

- Oh, hey!
- Hey!

- Ready.
- Check it out.

- Yeah.
- What do you think?

What is going on?

Why do you look like
sad stripper moms?

Oh, God!
- Okay, let me put it this way.

Did your parents ever make
you smoke a pack of cigarettes?

Okay, I was supposed to give
everybody their makeovers.

But Boris stole Sasha away
to go seduce Joanne.

Uh, because we had to get
Joanne to burn the contract.

Because we should be able
to have sex with each other

if we want to.
- Do we want to?

- Well, no. Not now.
- No, not after all those

sad stories about
addiction and loneliness.

Blegh. Not sexy at all.

Booyah! Sports psychology.

See, I turned you guys
from a bunch of horn dogs

into focused players!

That's called coaching.

From behind, in front,

and beyond the bench.

Now, guys,
if we could just transfer

this kind of focus
into the game,

I swear to you--
- All right, all right,

you know what? That's enough.
This is an embarrassment.

Everybody go put
your filthy jerseys on

and I want you
to wash your faces.

I said relatable, all right?
I need the people to see

that I can slum it
with you Joe Blows.

You were perfect before. God!

Barb, you...

You think that I'm perfect
the way that I am?

You know, uh,

you should probably go
and check your Instagram

because there's some
pretty good comments on there.

Campaign? More like hottt pain
in my chest for you.

I need CPR with my tongue.

It's pretty good, right?

Zari helped.

So, you guys were all just
hitting on me for pretend?

[chuckling]
[Ann]: Yeah, sorry.

It's okay.
I'm impressed, actually.

- Oh.
- But, uh, even Sasha?

Oh yeah, Boris and I,
we told her to be mean to you.

We thought you'd be into it.

- Kinda was.
- Oh, my god.

[laughing]

And you know what?
I think Sasha

really wanted to kiss you
in the spin the bottle game.

Yeah.

Ugh.
- Yeah?

This is doing nothing.

I need, I need like,
something industrial.

I'll see you out there.
- Yeah. Yeah.

[door opening]

[door closing]

Friends, all is fair
in love and slo pitch.

Reminds me,
I should... delete those photos.

[inhaling sharply]

Sasha liked it.

Make sense? My arms look good.

You want to see?

[spacey music]

I know what it is
to work hard,

but I also know how important
it is to play hard,

to connect with
the people you're working for.

The people who really
run this city,

the families,
small business owners,

and of course,
the LGBTQ+ community.

But also immigrants.

[stirring instrumental music]

Those without access
to education.

At risk youth.

The lonely.

Yeah!
[Barb]: To those in need

of substance abuse programs.

Vote Barb Barberetti
for City Councillor.

And together, let's build
a city that works for all of us.

[whip snaps]

[music fades]

Well, at least she didn't tell
everyone you sh*t in a bucket.

[romantic jazzy music]