38x01 - The Children's Book Job

[bunniefuu]

...and will,
to the best of my ability,

uphold the standards
and traditions

of the Springfield Elementary
Parent Teacher Association.

Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson.
I'm sure your tenure

as our new PTA president
will be a rousing success.

Also, the state is closing
this school forever.

[all gasp]

Yes, well, that is well-gasped.

Because Comptroller Atkins
has decided that one school

must be closed
at the end of the year,

and Springfield Elementary
is the obvious candidate,

due to its staggeringly low
test scores

and persistent
infestation of owls.

[hooting]

[murmuring]

This is terrible.

The teachers and myself
will all be scattered

to different schools.

Now, rest assured
that will not happen.

You'll all be fired.

Bombardment...

This means Martin
would have to go to

West Springfield Elementary.

It's a 15-minute longer
bus ride.

[gasps]
That's three more wedgies.

Eh, five, if the lights
are against him.

[overlapping shouting]

Okay, people, okay,
let's not panic!

We still have time.
If we put our heads together,

maybe we can find a way
to prove our school

is worthy of being spared.

Vote the fascist out.

[overlapping shouting]

[owls hooting]

[glass shatters]

[sighs]

Oh, we're going to need
a miracle to save the school.

Maybe we could impress
the state school board

by sending them pencils
printed with quotations

from history's
most brilliant thinkers.

Oh, sweetie, that's just the
type of thing you would pitch.

Thank you?

We can do this.
All our school has to do

is suck a little bit less
than the next suckiest one.

We don't say "suck"
in this family, we say "sudge."

[groans] But our school sudges
so sudging hard.

It sudges monkey nudge.

Homer, do you have any ideas?

[video game beeping]

[Homer]
Unlock ball return.

A thousand more pins,
and I upgrade my lane arrows.

Pin, pin, pin, pin,
pin, pin, pin, pin.

Oh, you're so checked out
playing that stupid game.

It helps me relax
after a long day of work.

-[sad sound effect plays]
-[gasps]

D'oh! Ball jam.

This is the last thing
I sudging need!

Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin.

I got two of the circle ones.

See, when I say the students

should do a "Squid Game"
to save the school,

everyone assumes I mean
it should be to the death,

but it don't have to be.
Necessarily.

[clears throat] Excuse me--

I say we move the school
to a galleon,

and have those overpaid teachers

work for jolly-limes
and hardtack.

Excuse me--

I propose
a Shakespeare festival,

but not the obvious
fan-pleasers.

I give you Timon of Athens.

I said excuse me!
I have the answer.

Ah. Now, who here's heard
of the classic children's book

The Plucky Little Goat?

[murmuring]

Ooh, I love that book.

Homer and I used to read it
to the kids.

The Plucky Little Goat
taught me that,

despite humanity's rough edges,

we all have an innate goodness
that can't be denied.

Oh, sweetie, that's just the
kind of review you would give.

Are you mad at me?

I like when the goat says,
"There's no problem

that can't be solved
with a good headbutt."

-[grunts]
-[groans]

-Oh, yeah.
-[others murmuring]

Well, the woman who wrote
and illustrated it--

Constance Clavinger--

hasn't been seen for 30 years.

They say she's un-gettable.
Well, guess again.

My Geoffrey knows someone
in England who knows her--

I called in a favor
from a very old friend--

-Let me tell it.
-It's my story.

-I tell it better. I tell it.
-Ugh.

Constance Clavinger

has agreed to come from England

to our upcoming book fair

and read,
for the first time ever,

her long-awaited sequel
to The Plucky Little Goat.

There's a sequel? [screams]

We'll get covered by
the local news, national news,

and every reporter
I carry in my pocket

like so many nickels and dimes.

With this once-in-a-lifetime
literary triumph,

the state won't dare
close us down. We'll be saved!

-[cheering]
-[owls hooting]

Okay, I'm off to pick up
Constance Clavinger

at the airport.
I'll see you at the fair.

-[phone rings]
-Go for Marge.

Now, we need you down here ASAP.

Helen Lovejoy is rounding up
all the books that, quote,

"glorify the seven deadly sins."

The Very Hungry Caterpillar?
Gluttony defined.

[groans]
You'll have to handle it.

Constance Clavinger
lands in an hour.

[Bernice] But only you
can talk Helen down.

What's that little engine trying
to get up the hill for anyway?

Steam-powered fornication?

[sighs] Okay,
I'll be right there.

I just have to find someone
who can pick up Miss Clavinger.

-Marge! Marge!
-You'll do it?

I already did it. I unlocked
the claw machine in the arcade.

That's a minigame
with its own currency.

Claw, claw, claw,

-claw, claw.
-Homer,

I need you to go to the airport
and pick up Miss Clavinger.

You have to be focused.
You cannot be checked out.

Claw?

If you don't get her
to the book fair,

the kids will have to go
to a new school

and you'll have to
meet new parents.

[screams]

[car speeds away]

[gate agent] Flight 72
from London is now arriving.

Welcome to the
United States of America.

Your ICE agent will greet you
at baggage claim.

I suppose you're waiting for me.

Homer Simpson,
your American driver.

My car is illegally parked
just outside the Brexit.

Brilliant to meet you, Homer.

If you don't mind, I just need
a moment to freshen up.

[Homer]
British people are so classy.

Maybe I should start
saying "freshen up"

instead of "take a dump."

Okay, I'll just wait here,
me and my thoughts.

Alone with my thoughts.

Pin, pin, pin...

Pin, pin, pin.

[Clavinger laughing]

♪ Those magnificent men
in their flying machines ♪

♪ They go up, tiddley up, up ♪

♪ They go down,
tiddley down, down. ♪

-What the hell are you doing?
-I'm singing

the greatest song of all time!

Look, British goat lady, we all
agree that song's a banger,

but I have to get you
to the book fair

-so my wife can save the school.
-I'll drive.

-[exclaims]
-Oh!

[laughing]

Eat my tires, Bridget Jones.

[laughing]

This pepper pot
is off her trolley!

Look, lady, if you
really want to drink,

get hammered
after you save the school,

but right now, you got to
sober up for the book fair.

Here. Drink this coffee.
Pretend it's tea.

A gentleman doesn't push things
into a lady's face.

[scoffs] I can handle my liquor.

[retching]

Oh, lovely. Oh, good as new.

No, that was the first of many.

[retching]

I think I may need to
stop off at a boutique

where I can purchase
a new vomit-free blouse.

[spitting]

Okay, hurry up. We got to
get you to that book fair.

Oh, don't fret, schlomo.

I'll be back with a new outfit
in an Old York minute.

[whooping happily]

Oh, la, la, la, la...

Accent Lady?

Nanny McPhee? Where are you?

I'm ever so over here.

Oh, be a lamb
and help me with these.

How much clothes do you need
for one book reading?

Stop that shoplifter
and her portly pally.

[gasps] Constance Clavinger
does not shoplift.

I have a charge account
at Harrods.

Is this Harrods?

Well, isn't this
a fine kettle of fish?

It's a terrible kettle of fish,

and this is coming from a guy
who loves fish kettles.

Why aren't you classy
like my favorite British person,

Prince Andrew?

[Snake]
Yo, show this woman
a little respect.

Miss Clavinger, I'm honored to
share an outlet mall jail cell

with the creator of the goat
who taught me right from wrong.

I chose wrong.

Oh, well, aren't you
a naughty crumpet.

-Oh...
-[phone rings]

[screams] It's Marge!

Okay, I let Helen burn a couple
of kids' books by Colin Jost.

That seemed to get it
out of her system.

Burn, whoever you are.

But you should be here with
Miss Clavinger by now.

I just vacuumed the red carpet.
Is everything okay?

No, everything's not okay.

Clavinger's plastered and we're
trapped in an outlet mall jail.

What? What did you do?

It's all my fault, I'm afraid.

Marge, your Hagrid
is an absolute treasure.

Now, don't you worry,
I will sort this out

and read to those children
in two shakes of a corgi's tail.

[laughs] Corgis' tails
do shake fast.

She's on her way.

-[chuckles nervously]
-[cheering]

Oh, I'm so sorry, Homer. Oh,
I've gone and c*ck it all up

with my drinking
and accidental shoplifting

and accidental cocaine snorting.

Well, it's all because
I haven't written anything

in 30 years,
and I'm ever so nervous

about reading
my new book in public.

But now, the children
will never hear it.

[crying]

Oh, yes, they will.
It's like the Plucky Little Goat

always says, "Follow your heart
and trust in your friends.

And there is no problem that
can't be solved with a good..."

[Snake and Clavinger]
Headbutt!

[both grunt]

Of course.
This is an outlet mall,

so even the jail
is made of factory rejects.

[grunts]

-There's my car!
-I'll drive.

Toss me the keys.

[tires squealing]

Thank you for trusting me,
friend!

Sudge!

Okay, we can still make it.
We just need to get a cab.

But my book
is in my shoulder bag,

which is on the backseat
of your car.

Why me, God,
you miserable space b*stard?

[gasps] Wait a minute,
we can find the car

using my tracking app.

Thank you, you wonderful
space b*stard!

[gasps] There's a tracker
in your car?

No. There's a sub sandwich
in the glove box,

and I put a tracker on that.

The sub had extra mayo.

Hey! I need to commandeer
your vehicle.

Husband emergency.

But I'm on my way
to dialysis. I--

Quit hogging life, boomer.

-[grunts]
-[exclaims]

[tires squealing]

Okay, we have to
sneak down there

and get your book out of my car
without them noticing.

That will be the stickiest
of wickets after they crush it.

[both scream]

[grunting]

[grunts]

My sandwich!

♪ ♪

I'm coming, mayo!

[Homer grunts]

You risked your life
to save my book!

Oh, I could kiss you,
you wonderful skin snowman.

Ooh-hoo-hoo.

Oh, oh, oh, no,
I dropped my galleys.

Never fear, milady.
I've got them.

Every heartwarming page where
the Plucky Little Goat

is fed into a sausage grinder?!

[Homer reading]

You can't read this to children!

Ooh, but I must read it
to children,

in a grand public setting.

It's the only way I'll k*ll off

that whingeing goat

once and for all!

But why?

Do you know what it's like
being hounded by children

and former children
wherever you go?

Forced to perpetuate
a fairy tale

that "the world is full
of wonderful people

"nibbling on crumble cakes,
and even the ugliest toad

has a soul of gold."

Oh, rubbish.

People betray you,
like my husband,

when I caught him in bed with
the checkout girl from Tesco.

And do you know
what was tattooed

on her 22-year-old arse cheek?

The Plucky Little Goat!

Arse means a*s.

When those wide-eyed innocents
get an earful of goat sausage,

I'll bring the whole ruddy thing
down in a blaze of glory!

All bridges burned!

I'll be free!

There is no way I am taking you
to that book fair now.

Then I shall find my own way.

Constance Clavinger? Hop in!

Next stop,
disillusioned children!

[maniacal laughter]

All right, Homer,
that coked-up Camilla

is gonna break all those kids'
brains unless you stop her.

No time to waste
talking to yourself.

You've got to focus

-like you've never--
-[phone chimes]

[gasps] A push notice.

My life's work.

My wife's work.

No! Sorry, Internet Lanes.

Find some other
sucker's life to waste.

My kidneys...
[groans]

♪ ♪

[Arnie over radio] This is
Arnie Pye with "Pye in the Air."

I'm transporting the great
Constance Clavinger

to the Springfield Elementary
Book Fair.

I'm going to get her there
in record time,

barring, of course,
any breaking traffic news.

Breaking traffic news, eh?
For the children.

[Homer grunting]

Take that, Moleman's car!

Look at that snarl-up.
I am duty bound to report it.

No!

I must sacrifice that goat.
I simply must!

[snorts] Ah!

Poppins power activate.

Oh, muffins.
[screams]

[grunting]

You'll never stop me
from blowing up my life!

There's still time to k*ll her.

[grunting]

[Homer groaning weakly]

Hey!

[groaning]

Seriously concussed.

Slipping into
children's book fantasy.

[lullaby music playing]

[Homer grunting]

[ducks quacking]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[groans]

♪ ♪

[straining]

[grumbles]

[both grunt]

[grunting]

[exclaims]

Hmm.

-[screams]
-[gulping]

[grunts]

[crying out]

Pin, pin, pin, pin.

[babbles]

[Clavinger]
Get ready, kiddies.

No!

Marge, you promised me
Constance Clavinger,

and instead you delivered
Colin Jost?

"'Toot, toot, toot,'
went the ferry

as it splish-splash-sploodled
away from Staten Island."

[all booing]

Clavinger in the house!

[cheering]

[Jost grumbles]

She's here. Oh, my God!

Well, of course I'm here.
And I'm ready to read.

Clavinger, heel!

You can't stop me.
I need to be free.

Constance, I'm sorry
being rich and famous

has been so hard for you,
but over the course of today,

I remembered something,

I used to read The Plucky
Little Goat to my kids.

After all, books are better
parents than I could ever be.

But then, my kids got older,

and I lost my mind
to phone games.

I can't make new memories,

so please, don't ruin
the only good ones I have.

That's the most moving,

genuine, heartfelt speech

I've ever decided to ignore.
Toodles.

[clears throat]

The Further Adventures
of the Plucky Little Goat.

Homie, you did it. Bart and Lisa
will never forget this day.

They sure won't.

"One dreary morning,

"the Plucky Little Goat awoke
with a feeling

"today would be special,

"but not in a happy way.

Because this
was the day that..."

♪ ♪

"...the Plucky Little Goat
decided today

-would be a different story."
-Huh?

[Clavinger]
The Plucky Little Goat

was far from her barnyard home,

in a strange place with
lots of g*ns and no vaccines.

Then, at the airport, she met
a great big hippopotamus,

who smelled like the worst parts
of the jungle,

but who was kindly
just the same.

And thanks to him, they had
a wonderful adventure.

The smelly hippo showed the goat

that there are things
worth saving in this world,

like children's innocence
and mayo-drenched sandwiches,

and not all people
will cheat on you

with a much younger
grocery wh*re.

The end.

The wait was worth it.

[cheering]

Homie, you weren't checked out.
You were present.

For once in our marriage,
I didn't sudge.

[cheering]

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Pretty sexy, huh?

It's not bad.
I like mine better.

Why did we have to
come watch this?

'Cause it's family day.

[Clavinger]
♪ Those magnificent men ♪

♪ In their flying machines ♪

[Homer]
♪ They go up, tiddley up, up ♪

[Clavinger] ♪ They go down,
tiddley down, down ♪

[Homer]
♪ They enchant all the ladies ♪

♪ And steal the scenes ♪

[Clavinger] ♪ With their up,
tiddley up, up ♪

[Homer] ♪ And their down,
tiddley down, down ♪

[Homer and Clavinger]
♪ Up, down, flying around ♪

♪ Looping the loop
and defying the ground ♪

♪ They're all frightfully keen ♪

♪ Those magnificent men
in their flying machines. ♪

Shh!