Christmess (2023)

[bunniefuu]

Hello.

Chris?

Doctor's waiting.

Big day for you, Chris?

You should be really proud of yourself.

Not everyone makes it through first time.

It's really commendable.

Right, so do I get in a ward or something?

Yeah.

Another shot at life.

No bigger ward than that, is there?

Is a member of your family coming to

collect you?

No.

No, I told you there's no family.

I told you that in our sessions.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yes, you did.

My agent's coming.

Ah.

I see.

And where will you stay?

Some halfway house somewhere.

Nick runs it.

Nick?

Yeah, Nick.

My new sponsor.

Doug fell off the wagon.

Oh, Nick.

Yeah.

Oh, he's hard.

Oh, but fair.

Yeah, that's what I've heard.

I wonder, Chris, if you've thought about

what you will do now.

Yeah.

Yeah, my agent's going to put me up for a

Christmas Panama.

I know that the

Australian Panos are pretty

lame, but anyway, I've

got to start somewhere.

No, no, no.

I meant, how are you feeling about going

back out into the world?

I don't know.

Probably about as happy as the world is to

have me back.

Just remember, Christmas can be very hard

for everyone.

If you put the same amount of focus and

care that you put onto your characters,

show yourself, you'll be fine.

OK, Chris?

All right.

Be kind to yourself.

Take it easy.

One day at a time.

Merry Christmas, Chris.

It's Mike, the message.

Yeah, screw you, Mike.

Bloody hell.

Hey, Nick!

Nick, it's Chris!

Chris Flint!

sh*t!

That's for breaking Janice.

Who?

Janice Joplin, my favourite pop plant.

You've known your plant?

Yeah.

I know my body parts too.

And my car.

I just sell it to pay for rehab,

but I'm going to get it back.

OK.

And do you have a towel?

No.

I air dry.

Of course.

Who are you?

I'm Joy.

And you're Chris.

So where's Nick?

He's down at the shelter.

We were expecting you hours ago.

Yeah.

My ride just stood me up.

You know, it's courtesy to let people know

ahead of time if you're going to be late.

Yeah, I was going to surprise him,

but my phone ran out of battery, so...

It certainly gave me a surprise.

I almost caught the cops when I saw you

laying naked out here.

Are you saying you're inside the whole

time?

He smashed through the window,

so bloody hot out here.

Then I really would have called the cops.

Why didn't you?

I recognise you from the telly.

Who are you again?

Joy.

You live here?

Yeah.

Nick's my sponsor.

What?

Nick is my sponsor?

Nick is my sponsor.

Cool.

No, it's not cool.

Are you jealous your sponsor is two-timing

you?

No, don't be silly.

It's just... There

are so many people.

It's just who he is.

No, I just thought...

You are special?

No.

Dude, you are not special.

There are a tonne of messed up people and

they come out of the woodwork at Christmas.

Are you coming or what?

I don't know how long you've been here

for.

Coming on a year.

Last Christmas wasn't a very merry one for

me.

But, things are looking a little cheery

this year, thanks to Nick.

Alright, this is the shower.

Danny, and this is you here.

I'm just next door.

This is Nick's room, but whatever you do,

you're not going to Nick's room.

Unless you've got some sort of death wish.

You got a death wish, Chris?

Ah, no, no, no.

Good.

Well, who owns all this sh*t?

Oh, this is Niamh's.

She died.

What?

I'm kidding.

She moved out.

Well, technically, she was kicked out.

I keep waiting for her to come get her

stuff, but I reckon she's coming.

And why was she kicked out?

She broke rule number three.

That's rule number three.

She lied.

Lied to Nick and you were gone,

mate.

Right.

Any other rules?

Oh, yeah, like no drugs or booze,

no stealing or lying, clean up after

yourself, no fornicating or housemates,

just generally be a good person.

Can you hand her that?

Fan doesn't work.

Oh, yeah, you'll discover that about a lot

of stuff around here.

You learned to adapt.

You know you can boil water with an own?

I did not know that.

Thanks for the tip.

Sure.

Okay.

Well, I will leave you to it.

Stay next to your little diva.

Hey, hope you like a meatless lasagna.

Who doesn't?

I'm vegan.

Yeah, of course you are.

Do you want a drink?

I meant water.

Or soda string?

Picked one off from Audi and I love it.

No, no, tap water's fine.

Okay.

Thank you.

By the way, if you take turns cooking,

what's your go-to dish?

I don't know.

You can't cook, can't you?

Yeah, I can cook.

It's just that I am.

You don't?

It just gets a bit boring cooking for one,

you know.

Well, now you won't be bored.

Good point.

So, come on, what's your signature dish?

Every boy's got to have at least one

specialty.

I don't know.

Look, you might have a bit of a think

about it.

I mean, you can.

Just don't take too long.

Because you're rusted on tomorrow,

right?

Really?

And who makes the roster?

Me?

Of course.

Oh, okay.

For the foot.

Thanks.

So, who's stood you up today?

Hey.

You're right.

Who's a no-show?

I'm gonna be my agent.

He's, um... Well, sometimes he

can be a right, proper d*ck, you know.

Hey, I've been thinking about getting an

agent for my music.

Any advice?

All agents are evil.

But they are kind of a necessary evil,

so...

Yeah, they're always there when you're hot

and when you're not.

They just disappear into thin air.

You know, not long ago I had a UK agent,

US agent, and a publicist manager,

attorney.

Now I've got nothing.

Hey, it's not true.

You got Nick, and you got me.

That's a good point.

And I got really, really grateful too,

I really am.

I could never be an actor.

I could never remember all the lines.

I have a hard enough time remembering my

own song lyrics.

It's harder to get older.

And there's all the drug and alcohol

abuse, so...

Must be a real head f*ck.

Like, being someone else all the time, how

do you ever get to know who you really are?

There's a reason I'm an addict.

Not surprised.

I dated an actress once.

Yeah, how'd that go?

Oh, never again.

She was so self-absorbed and needy.

Like, so needy, oh my God.

Sounds about right.

I dated an actor too.

He was even worse.

Never stopped talking about himself,

looking in the mirror.

That also sounds about right.

Have you ever been with a guy?

No, can't say I have not.

What about Chris O'Donnell?

It was a movie.

We were acting.

It looked pretty convincing to me.

What can I say?

I'm a pretty good actor.

Not that good.

I better check on dinner.

Hey, Nick.

It's nice of you to finally join us.

Ta-da.

What the hell is that meant to be?

The fruit shop was throwing it out.

Yeah, they were throwing it out because

it's dead, mate.

It's dying.

It's not dead.

There's no one better than me at rescuing

dying things.

Besides, she only needs to make it through

to Christmas.

Good luck with that.

It's over a week away.

Well, stop being such a grinch,

will you?

Bit of tinsel, star on top.

I reckon she'll bring this house some

Christmas cheer.

I reckon we can all do with some cheer

around here.

He was almost, whoa, that is the ugliest

tree I've ever seen.

Is it dead?

You will be if you don't open the door.

It's shedding.

Is it supposed to do that?

No, no, it's not.

So what are you going to call it?

Chris!

h*, h*, h*.

Maybe it just needs some water.

Sticky tape, more like it.

Still has that smell, though.

Ain't nothing better than the smell of a

real Christmas tree.

Reminds me of my dad.

You know, when I was a young fella,

we used to go and get a real Christmas

tree and decorate it together every

Christmas.

That was before we checked out.

Hey, Chris, I think there's a suitcase of

decorations up in the roof.

Why don't you climb up there after dinner

and grab it?

Well, I'd love to, but sadly, I hurt my

foot today.

I'll do it.

You can put your foot down.

Ow!

Joy, what do you say you get your guitar

out and treat us with Christmas tunes?

I am.

Oh, God, really?

Yeah, it might, you know, help get us into

the spirit a little bit.

Yeah, look, no offense, but normally when

the guitar comes out at a party,

it's a bit of a punish, ain't it?

Oh, don't you worry.

She doesn't, sir.

FYI, I've sat through your

cheesy Christmas movie every

year since God knows how

old and that really is a punish.

No, it's true.

It's a terrible movie and I'm awful in it.

It makes love actually look like the

Godfather.

I love love, actually.

You just love Christmas.

Yeah, it's true.

So, what's the best Christmas flick ever

made?

Uh, Elf?

No, Die Hard.

I've never seen it.

Never seen Die Hard?

Nope.

You should make another Christmas movie

and call it Try Hard.

I thought people were supposed to be nice

to each other at Christmas time.

Oh, that's right.

You've only just met me.

You said Lena okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Joy showed me around.

She's pretty thorough.

Yeah.

She was excited you were coming.

Really?

Me too.

So, Joy explained all the house rules to

them.

Have any issues with them?

No.

You sure?

Yeah.

Good.

What are you going to cook for us tomorrow

night?

I don't know.

I'm still thinking about it.

It's going to be pretty hard to talk

tonight.

Joy's a good cook.

Hey, what you saying about me?

No, I'm just saying you're a good cook.

Wait, do you hear my music?

Can't wait.

All right, what do you guys want to hear?

An original or a cover?

You've got an original Christmas song.

Uh-huh.

It's called Empty Chair.

Sounds cheery.

My name said it was a Happy Christmas

song.

So it's not Jingle Bells now.

I've never heard of that.

Oh, sh*t.

I've never played anyone famous before.

I was waiting for you there, standing

behind your favourite chair.

But you should hold my hand when I could

barely walk or even stand.

So come on home.

I can't believe that you're gone.

Yeah, come on home.

It's the end of the year and I'm alone.

Yeah, come on home.

Cos this house feels so tired and empty

when you're now.

Piss off, there's no one here.

So, how are we feeling?

One to ten.

Maybe a four.

Yeah.

Well, that's good.

We can work with that.

Hmm.

What do you need?

Drink.

Can't help you there.

Bump.

Work with me, Chris.

Well, how about some air conditioning,

eh?

Of course, it's so hot I'm f*cking blood

spanked.

Yeah, well, Prater can't help you there

either.

Not now, Joy.

Can you at least ask him if he liked it?

Not now, Joy.

Is that better?

Yeah, a little.

What triggered you?

Don't know.

Come on, just think about it, Chris.

I don't know.

Maybe it's the lyrics.

Maybe it's the heat, maybe it was the

jingling of the ice in my drink.

I don't know my f*cking look at me.

You know, you may not feel it,

but you are doing well.

I mean, you'd be a month clean and sober

tomorrow.

How many years since you did that?

Just gotta hang on to that thought,

try to let the others go.

One day at a time.

You'll be right.

Just a season for believing.

I believe in you, Chris.

You been reading that?

Read something, it's comforting.

Yeah, my bad.

Joy wants to know what you thought of her

song, what you've heard of it anyway.

I loved it.

She's awesome.

All right.

Well, I'll see you in the AM.

Good night, Chris.

He thinks you're good.

Morning.

Chris, how'd you sleep?

Yeah, good night.

This will be you over here.

Just help yourself.

Cheers, thanks.

Morning.

I'm looking for a vag*na mite man myself.

Come again?

Didn't you call veggie mite and vag*na mite

and peanut butter, p*nis butter going up?

No, can't say we did, no.

Ah, I forgot your posh.

Probably a caviar on your toast.

I'm sure you and my family weren't rich at

all.

In fact, we were quite the opposite.

Bless this food to our bodies.

And help us to keep you in our hearts.

In Jesus' name, we pray.

Amen.

Amen.

So, what's everyone's priorities today?

I got work, and then rehearsal for the

Christmas gig.

Where do you work?

At the brewery.

But aren't you, um, you know, an

alcoholic?

Yeah.

Nick thinks I shouldn't hide away from my

problems.

Gotta, like, confront him head on.

The more I'm around it, actually,

like, the stronger my willpower.

It's like, it's like the constant reminder

helps us down track.

Fair enough.

Whatever works this way, son.

Plus, they let me play there sometimes.

Cool.

What's on your agenda today, Chris?

I can't just mope around in your bedroom

all day.

No, well, I've got to prep for dinner

first.

I thought I might take a walk into town.

I've, um, got my eye on the job.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I saw an ad for, you know,

Shopping Centre Santa, so...

Yeah, I know, it's pretty pathetic.

No, it is not pathetic, right,

Joy?

Mm, not pathetic.

Come on, I'm a Silver Logie winner.

Well, you should put that on the

application.

You'll be shooing.

I mean, you get to make kids and parents

happy all day.

Not many people can say they do that for a

living.

You know, my first job out of acting school

was actually as a Shopping Centre Santa?

Well, there you go.

You have even had some experience.

Do you like it?

I can't remember.

Actually, taking a fair bit of acid back

then.

Well, acid or not, I reckon you might.

I'll give you a lift to the shops on the

way to the shelter, if you like.

That'd be great.

Oh, sh*t.

I've got to get rid of the work.

You're, um... not cr*cker, just cracked

it.

Yeah, she cracked it years ago.

Wish me luck.

Thanks, mate.

Happy Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

Oh, no thanks.

Mike.

Thanks, Chris.

h*, h*, h*, no foe.

You're fired.

Come on, you b*stard.

You do realise that you are the only

person out right now?

I mean, the dash says 40 degrees.

Admittedly, it always says that because of

stuff.

But this time, I think it might be right.

Gas bottle was empty.

Really?

We have a gas bottle.

Yeah, for the barbecue.

We have a barbecue?

Somewhere underneath all that grease and

grime, yeah.

Why don't you just use a stove?

It can't use a stove.

For a sausage sizzle, right?

Oh, you're cooking a sausage sizzle.

Yeah.

Joy's going to be ecstatic about that one.

I've got some of that plant-based hippie

sh*t.

She will love it.

Everyone loves a sausage sizzle.

Why are you so chirpy?

You got the job.

I've got the part, yeah.

Oh, Chris, that's great.

You can refer to me as Santa, thank you

very much.

Well, we're going to celebrate.

All right, swing by the bottle.

Yeah, great idea, idiot.

Man, how are you supposed to celebrate

when you can't drink or take drugs?

It's bullshit.

I don't know.

Let me think about it.

It's beginning to look a lot like Chris.

Don't let's leave the singing to Joy.

You take care of the drive, you know.

Bye, now.

Sizzled sausage for you.

Plant-based hippie vegan rubbish for you.

Sizzled sausage for more.

What?

What?

Oh, you don't seem very impressed.

That's because I'm not impressed.

Great at you, Joy.

No.

But what we're about to

receive from our participation

award child, may the

Lord make us truly grateful.

Amen.

Amen.

Wait, Chris, what's with the suit?

We've got a big premiere coming up.

You'd better invite us.

I've always wanted to get dolled up for

the red carpet.

No, it's my... my uniform.

My uniform?

Yeah, it's my new job.

Did they let you bring your Santa costume

up?

Yeah.

Oh, and how does it look?

I don't know, I haven't tried it on yet.

Well, get in here right now.

No, there is no way that

I'm giving Joy the open

opportunity to piss herself

laughing at me, huh?

Oh, I thought you'd be used to people

laughing at your work.

Only the dramas.

Come on, it'll be fun.

Yeah, fun for you, humiliating for me.

It'll be more humiliating showing up

tomorrow and realising it doesn't fit.

Nobody wants to see Santa's blue sack.

Yeah, she has a valid point, Ned.

Now get in here now.

Yeah, really?

Smells a little bit like piss,

though.

The previous Santa not bays.

Maybe it's kids piss.

Oh, yeah, they did say to air it out.

Now the Santa got sacked for being too

drunk.

You did happen to tell her you're fresh

out of rehab yourself.

No, but apparently she read it online.

Are you still making news?

That's pretty cool.

Yeah, for all the wrong reasons.

What are you doing?

I was going to smell like a koala fart.

Air freshener.

Smells great.

Come on, strip for us, Magic Mike.

Not on your nilly.

Come on, Santa, get it off.

Let's go, let's go.

Get it off, Santa.

No.

Get it on.

Aye, I will try this on.

As long as you promise no matter how

stupid I look.

Not to laugh.

Promise?

Promise?

Hmm?

Okay.

Oh, Santa's coming up, please.

Ha, ha.

h*, h*, h*.

Merry Christmas.

Come on, you absolutely promised that you

weren't going to laugh at me.

He's so good.

Besides, you know better than to make a

promise with an addict.

Ah, this is ridiculous.

I look like a bloody idiot.

You look like the real Santa.

Yes.

Wait, isn't Santa going to be fat?

There you go.

Keep slipping down.

Oh, you need a belt?

Come on, tell me the truth, man.

I mean, I look like an idiot, don't I?

You look fantastic, Chris.

You know you're not led a lot.

Not even little white-wise.

This is going to be the best character you

ever played.

Oh, so I think that Santa might be into

heavy metal, is that right?

He doesn't suppose by some chance it might

scare off the kitties.

That's better than the alternative.

And you're not going to make it.

Ah, it's nice.

It's okay.

She won't be back for it.

Plus she can't keep her pants on long

enough.

We need a photo.

Ooh, good idea.

No, that's a serious sh*t idea.

Come on, I've never had my photo with

Santa before.

Well, not even as a kid.

No, Mum never got up in time, slept all

day, drank one.

Yeah, I never had a photo with Santa

either.

Come on, mate.

Well, mate, I'm an orphan.

You've got to have parents to organise the

Santa photos.

That's crazy talk.

All right, you know what?

You guys are getting a photo with Santa.

Yes!

All right, I was getting from the tree.

With specs on.

Nice.

Can you look at the camera?

We'll go one, two, three, Santa,

okay?

One, two, three... Santa!

Nice and close into Santa.

Look at the camera.

Big smiles.

Ready?

One, two, three... Seriously, is it

that hard to smile, you fat loser?

Have you been smoking again, too?

More, boys.

What's going on?

He's not smiling, but he's not smoking.

Leave it with me.

Oh, Christ, here we go.

Chris, do you think you could,

I don't know, maybe smile?

Or have you forgotten how?

Come on, Cindy, I'm trying, okay?

You're an actor, so maybe you could

actually just start acting.

Yeah, well, maybe if I had some dialogue,

or maybe if you referred to me as Santa,

it might help me get into it.

I'm a method actor.

A method?

I can't have junkies around the kids.

Well, not a method.

A method actor.

It's the style of acting

first, pioneered by Brando,

although some say that

Santa's last year is there.

Oh, look, whatever.

Most Santas are just happy to sit there,

smile, and get paid.

Most Santas aren't nighter graduates.

You'd be surprised.

And no more smoking around the kids.

Santa doesn't smoke.

Santa, Audrey and Portiault.

Hi.

One, two, three.

Smile for the camera.

Ready?

One, two, three.

Smile.

Hopefully, yeah.

Good morning.

Welcome to Santa's Toy Shop.

I'm Cindy.

I'm Noelle, and this is Jackson.

Hello, Jackson.

Hello.

Have you been a good boy for Santa this

year?

Good.

Noelle?

Noelle?

Chris, I mean, Santa, what's the cover

gone?

Bottle shop.

Which one?

Near the mall.

Okay, look, I'm five minutes away.

Put the cashier on.

What?

I want you to hand the phone to the

cashier now.

He wants to talk to you.

Who wants?

I wouldn't keep him waiting, mate.

He gets me thinking.

Who is this?

It's Tom.

Hi, Tom.

I'm Nick.

Hello.

Do not, under any circumstances,

let that man leave your store.

Do you hear me?

But... No, but... He's an

alcoholic and he's just out of rehab.

You do not want to be responsible for what

he might do.

He's dressed as Santa Claus.

He's a bad Santa.

Do you want to ruin Christmas,

Tom?

No, sir, I... Well, then,

don't let him leave.

He's scary.

Yes, you can be.

Listen, mate, I can't let you leave with

alcohol.

Yeah, I know.

Beef jerky?

You mad?

No, I'm not mad.

I'm glad.

Glad.

Yeah, right now, you

could be writing yourself off

in some ditch somewhere,

but instead, you called me.

It's positive.

You should be proud of yourself,

Chris.

Billy, I think I'm proud right now.

It's just the disease talking.

It's got a stranglehold on your mind.

Don't let it.

Control, alt, delete, reset.

I find visualization really helps.

Here, I'll do it with you.

Close your eyes.

Nick, you drive it, sorry.

You've got a lot of drive it, mate.

Yeah, I can do that, yeah.

Hi, I'm Geoff.

I'm an alcoholic.

I'd like to.

I haven't had a drink in almost three

Christmases, but... boy, am I feeling thirsty.

Man, I hate Christmases.

I hate it.

You know, it's meant to be the festive

season, but...

there's nothing festive about it.

It's kind of just a reminder of how lonely

I am and how shitty my life really is.

And without my friend Jack Daniels telling

me to get through it, it's just really,

really f*cking hard.

I saw my kids and my Tracy and my replacement

at the Burger King the other night.

I was going through the drive-thru, and

they were just sitting there looking really.

..

really happy.

Scotty, my youngest, was...

dunking his fries into his caramel sundae

before you eat it.

And he was teaching it to my replacement.

And I taught him, man.

I mean, it sounds kind of silly,

but it really tore me up seeing that.

And... what hurts the

most is that it's my fault.

You know, I'm the reason where I am now,

and...

I won't get to see my kids at Christmas.

I know we're meant to be grateful

and all that, but I'm just... I'm fine.

It's really, really hard to be.

And then... I

remember you guys...

coming up.

You're my family now.

I mean, we might not

share the same blood, but

we share the same pain,

and that's just as real.

So... thanks for

listening to me today.

Thanks, Jack.

Who else would like to share?

Hi, everyone.

My name's Joe, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Joe.

I saw my daughter today.

I haven't seen her

for... I don't know.

Twenty years.

Maybe more.

Quit my job.

Oh, I got sacked.

I...

I don't know.

Probably both.

You want to talk about it?

Lemon Idris.

We're having a picnic.

Joy took the lemons from a neighbour's

tree down the road.

We hate him.

In that case.

So what bubbly little number do you have

for us this evening, Joy?

I wrote this today.

Well, I finished it.

If you guys like it, I think I'll have

enough for an EP.

It's like a short record.

Yeah, yeah, I know it in APs.

I'm quite impressed that you've got enough

songs for an EP.

It's more of a demo till I get a record

deal.

Maybe you could give it to your agent?

If I ever hear from him again.

Okay, I dedicate this to all the deadbeat

dads out there.

What's it called?

Deadbeat dads.

Of course.

And I've got some serious daddy issues going

on, but my mummy issues are just as bad.

Just play the song, will you, Joy?

Okay.

f*ck, that guy really hates my playing.

It's cutting some slack.

He's had a bit of a tough day.

I think he got fired.

What?

I knew he wouldn't cope.

Santa's a big responsibility.

He wasn't ready.

I'll go talk to him.

No, I'll go.

No, I've been fired so many times.

I've got this.

Before you say anything, I don't hate your

music.

I think it's really, really good.

I just don't.

Ah, Nick explained everything.

It is.

Mm-hmm.

It's all right.

I've been fired so many times.

If you looked at my resume, you'd think

I'm a fool nutter.

I wasn't fired.

I quit.

Probably would have been fired anyway.

Do you want to talk about it?

No.

Sit in that smoke.

I suppose Nick told you that I saw my

daughter today.

Um, no.

He forgot to mention that pretty major

detail.

That was the first time I've seen her in

20 years.

Okay, wait just a sec.

Nick!

Get your a*s out of here, pronto!

Sorry, man.

I'm not emotionally equipped to handle

this level of real.

Good luck.

You know, when we first met, you told me

that you had no daughter.

In fact, you told me you had no family at

all.

Well, I'd... I'm an

actor and an addict.

What do you expect?

Did she tell you what she wanted?

Yep.

Told me she wanted me to go to hell.

The other day, I asked you if you were

okay with the house rules.

And you said yes.

Well, technically I lied before I moved

in.

All right.

I'll give you that.

But don't do it again.

I can't have liars in this house.

Chris?

Yeah?

It's not healthy for anyone.

Are we clear?

You guys want some ice cream and Christmas

pudding?

Yeah, where'd you steal it from?

Hey, I made it.

Thank you very much.

But yes, I did steal the fix, but yeah,

I do fine.

Come on, let's go before it melts.

So, what are we going to do about your

daughter's situation?

Um, I'm not going to do anything.

Sorry, your deadbeat dad days are over.

Yeah, she's right, Chris.

Plus, you're a grandfather now, so you've

got to step up whether you like it or not.

It's not up to me.

It's up to Noel.

She made it pretty clear today.

She doesn't want anything to do with me.

You're the parent.

It's always up to you.

Ball's in your court.

Why'd you weren't there?

You didn't see her take off.

She doesn't want to borrow me.

Every daughter wants her father.

He wrote it, Chris.

In group, we talk about our purpose.

Well, this is yours.

You're lucky, Chris.

I mean, some people never find theirs.

Lucky?

Yeah, yeah, you are.

Now, right now, God, or whatever the hell

you want to believe, is reaching out to

you, and it is a sin if you don't reach

back.

You've got to do this, Chris.

I mean, I know it's hard, but...

Nothing in life that was worthwhile is

ever easy.

I wonder if she never wants to know

anything.

You just keep trying.

Christmas is the season for forgiving.

The time is nigh.

This is so exciting.

It's not a game.

This is my life we're talking about.

I know.

Isn't it wonderful?

You know, I've been knowing where she is.

Oh, you leave that to us.

Between Joy and I, we know everyone in

this town.

Everyone.

Man... I'm too young

to be her grandfather.

You look old to me.

Oldish?

How old are you?

Never asked an actor how old I am.

Oh.

I thought that was just actresses.

No.

Nice actors, too.

I'm going to hit the hay.

Night, Chris.

Night, Pops.

Do you have anything to do with this?

Well... I may have

encouraged her a little.

Right.

Well, clearly the word privacy means

nothing to you, huh?

She found her, Chris.

How is not important?

How do you even know it was Noel,

right?

You'd know absolutely nothing about her.

It was pretty easy, actually.

You're a celebrity.

You can find, like, your entire life story

on here if you dig deep enough.

What the hell are you, the bloody

paparazzi?

Hey, Christ.

Did you find her a dress?

Yes, I did, actually.

Oh, great.

Jesus Christ!

I'm sorry, Chris.

I thought you'd be happy.

I was just trying to help.

Please don't be angry at me.

It's just I'm a bit of a c*ck of

emotions at the moment, you know?

I'm going to use a c*ck about now.

Yeah, me too.

The biggest, bloodiest Mary there is.

Noel was seven the last time I saw him.

She was so scared of Santa that I had to

sit on his lap as well.

God, all those Christmas mornings I

missed.

Such a big chunk of her life I've missed.

All because I was a selfish, drunken and

vicious prick.

Go see her, Chris.

Today.

Don't waste another Christmas.

Wouldn't know what to say.

Jesus, what kind of actor are you?

I normally have a script, alright?

I'm not going to show you at this time

there is no script.

I have an idea.

Okay, so, here's how the scene's going to

go.

Chris, you're going to play Chris.

Can you handle that?

Yeah, I suppose so.

Great.

Nick, you'll be Noel.

I'm the director.

This is the front door.

Chris, you're going to knock.

Nick, you're going to answer.

You're not going to be Nick.

You're going to be Noel.

Everybody clear?

Great.

Let's get into first positions.

What am I supposed to say?

You never heard of improv?

Yeah, but what's my motivation?

Win your daughter's forgiveness and get

her to join us for Christmas lunch.

Really?

That is a great idea.

But she's just going to say no.

Are you?

Well, I'm not sure.

You'll have to convince me.

Great.

Okay, action.

Knock on the door, Chris.

Who is it?

It's me.

It's Chris.

It's your dad.

I told you, I never wanted to see your

face again.

Chris, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm acting.

Oh.

Yeah, good.

It's very convincing.

Where are you going?

I don't really know what to say.

Normally, I'm given my lines.

There's always a script, but obviously

there's no script for this.

Are you acting now?

Yes.

No, I was the finger daughter then.

Oh, well, that was really good,

Nick.

Well, thank you.

Well, anyway, I've got to sh**t to the shop,

so... Yeah, just before you go, I was...

I wanted to say that...

Well, it's just...

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry for not being there for

you.

And I just thought...

I hoped.

Thank you.

I'll be able to find it in your heart to

just...

to give me just a little bit...

and just let me back into your life so

that I can, you know...

make it up to you, you know?

So maybe you...

I don't know, you might

like to drop around to our

place for Christmas lunch

or something, you know?

I just...

I don't want to spend another Christmas

away from my family.

So I can give you our address,

and if you, you know...

wanted to pop by, it would be so

great to see you and... and little Jackson.

Will they be drinking?

No, say the stream only.

Cut.

Cut.

Chris, that was so good.

Didn't you think that?

So, I mean, would you...

would you come around?

Mate, your daughter

would have to have the

hardest of hearts to

turn down that proposal.

That's the first time

in a long time that it

felt like I wasn't actually

acting, you know?

Truth can be liberating.

And all's were really painful.

Oh, sh*t.

I'm sorry.

Oi!

There is no smoking in this car,

ever.

It's all the smoking or the vomiting.

When I get this nervous,

nausea, the only thing

that stops me from

spewing is the smoking.

Well, I'll take the vomit.

Smoking reminds me of drinking.

So just suit yourself.

Surely being a famous actor, you'd be used

to opening night jitters.

I'm a TV actor, I'm not a theatre actor.

You know, when you're a TV actor,

you get as many takes as you need.

You're gonna be fine, Chris.

Stop!

Gross.

At least he doesn't have carrot in his

spew.

Keep looking.

You'll find it.

sh**t it on, more theatre.

You ready?

Yeah, let's do it.

Oh, by the way, Chris, you're welcome this

moment.

Very wise decision, Nicholas.

Reckon she go to down with the child

support?

Easy, Joy.

I thought I'd discover residuals.

Joy?

No, we don't.

It's just that I am... Please don't

mind up against the wall and not here.

I mean, they're quite little.

Just doesn't feel like the right time.

I didn't let you vomit all over my car for

nothing.

This is your time, Chris.

This is your defining moment.

It's right here and right now.

You got this.

Right, Joy?

Hell yeah.

I got this.

I got this.

Oh, God, he's really going to do it.

Who are you?

Chris wants to be a phenomenal.

Are you now?

Oh, yes, he's not.

He's dead.

Who is it?

g*y old white guy reckons he's your dad.

Get inside of him.

No, he doesn't have a dad.

Get inside.

Joy, what the f*ck?

Please don't talk to me like that.

No, I can say whatever I f*cking will,

please.

You don't hurt me.

You're nothing to me.

So piss off before I call the cops and the

trespassers.

Didn't exactly go as rehearsed.

Tough crowd.

What a b*tch.

No, that's not her fault.

So what now?

Wait here.

What a man.

What the hell's he doing?

What do you think he's saying?

I don't know.

Looks like it's kind of working.

What'd you say to her?

Well, I just told her that you're actually

a decent bloke.

Despite everything.

And she bought that.

We shall see.

Is she coming for Christmas?

She said she'd give me a call once she had

time to think it over.

There's a kid waving at us.

Oh, it's my grandson's.

It's Jackson.

He looks like you.

Poor kid.

Hey.

I'll have you know I was once nominated as

GQ's man of influence.

Man under the influence more like him.

All right, we'd better go before she

thinks we're stalking him.

Pretty sure she already does.

It's worth it.

The seal of hope.

The Lord's world of joys in the yonder

breaks.

When you and the glorious dawn come forth.

On your knees.

And he, the angel, He sees.

O night divine.

O Christ's Lord.

O night divine.

O night, O night divine.

Told you she didn't suck.

Remarkable.

I, um... How do

you...there's no elbow.

Oh, come on.

It's Christmas Eve.

Chris, relax.

The night is still young.

Actually, I've got to get to the shelter.

You're going to be all right here by

yourself?

My joy would k*ll me if I looked halfway

through the gate.

All right, how's everybody's Christmas

Eve?

So you might not realize this but we

actually have a celebrity in the house.

That's right ladies and gems, give it up

for my friend, Mr. Chris Bland.

Do you want to hear him sing a song?

Chris, Chris, Chris

Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris,

Chris, Chris, Chris,

Chris, Chris, Chris.

1, 2, 3, 4, Jingle bell,

jingle bell, jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

in a one horse open sleigh.

Hey!

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the

way.

Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse

open sleigh.

Um,

I'm just gonna take a break and I'll be

back shortly.

Thanks.

Hey Chris, that was awesome, mate.

Thanks, mate.

What can I get you on the house?

I'll just have a water.

Thanks, mate.

It's Christmas.

I'll get you a beer, mate.

It's just a water.

Thanks, mate.

My kids had their picture taken with you

the other day.

Oh God, right.

Don't worry, I don't kiss until...

Thank you.

Are you sure you don't want a drink?

No, no, I'm just on the waters.

Look, I've got to work tonight and the

world is a very big place.

How many letters in the alphabet,

sir?

Twenty-six.

Twenty-six?

No.

Twenty-five.

Because there is.

No way.

Joy, you are amazing.

What's the matter?

I know that b*tch.

Sorry, I'm not following her.

Neeve had a sl*t girlfriend here.

Neeve?

Your ex?

Girlfriend.

She's such a b*tch.

Hey, this is your gig, okay?

Why, she's just trying to make it jealous,

trying to get inside your head.

Yeah, well, it's working.

Well done.

Why are boys people so shitty to the ones

who love them the most?

I wish I knew the answer.

Joy, get back on.

Come on.

Hey, listen.

You've got to visualize, okay?

Yeah.

I'm right here with you.

Oh, you've got this.

Let's go.

Okay, um... Hey, Joy, wait.

It's okay, mate.

Joy, please.

Come on.

f*ck!

You as*h*le.

Me?

Yes!

Blind pilot's just like you, flying in and

out of people's lives, and you're just too

self-absorbed to even notice the damage

you cause.

Yeah, I can say that.

I really hope you do, for her sake.

I've got to get out of here before I fall

off the wagon.

I'll walk with you.

No, I'm not f*cking up both our nights.

Hey, yeah.

Why is every woman you're involved with on

the verge of never's breakdown?

Yeah, it's just, uh, Christmas,

you know.

It's a, um...

pretty stressful time, though.

Every day is Christmas with you,

Chris.

That's not a compliment, is it?

No.

No.

You know, I was watching you closely all

night.

You didn't have a drink in your hand the

entire evening.

Thirty-four days sober.

I guess it's the start.

Getting there, yeah.

So, what time's lunch tomorrow?

Um, about Monday, if that works for you.

Yeah, perfect.

Are you sticking around, or sh**ting off

like you always do?

Nah, I'm not at home, I think.

I've got a, uh, pretty big day tomorrow.

Well, Merry Christmas Eve, then.

Yeah.

Thanks, Santa.

Joy!

Joy, open up!

Alright, I'll give you the can of three,

and I'm gonna bash the door down, okay?

Suit yourself.

One, two, three!

What the heck?!

Door!

I was worried, okay?

God, you weren't answering.

I had my headphones on.

I've been bashing on that door for about

five minutes.

I got a girl crying.

I always have to pat a bed of tired more.

Look, I was just worried about you,

okay?

That's all.

I'm sad, Chris.

I'm really sad.

I'm not gonna hurt myself, though.

Okay, good.

Good.

That's all I needed to know.

Hey, don't worry.

I'll fix your door.

Please, you will.

Come on, don't be so sad.

It's Christmas.

My daughter's coming for lunch tomorrow.

I'm so happy for you, Chris.

Thank you.

Okay, now leave me alone.

Stay.

Stay, stay.

You're waiting for someone?

Yeah, waiting for Santa.

But I might have a quick chat to him.

Trust me, you're definitely on his naughty

list.

She's a snake.

Oh, your face.

It's the only one I've got, Chris.

What happened?

Hey, let's get this straight, Bill.

I am your sponsor, not the other way

around.

You got that?

Okay.

Is Joy in?

Yeah, she's in bed.

She had an early night.

Well, I guess we all had a shitty evening,

didn't I?

Well, actually, I had a pretty good night.

In fact, it was terrific.

What happened?

Supposed to know well, she's coming to

lunch tomorrow.

Well, I guess Christmas miracles do

happen.

The rest of the groceries are in the car.

Yeah, right up.

Oh, and don't forget, it's bin night.

Yeah, copy that, boss.

sh*t, the bins!

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

I've got a bin!

Wait up, wait up!

Hey, Nick.

Hey, Nick, wake up.

Santa's been.

Leave me alone.

Hey, there's a present for you under the

tree.

Hey, Joy!

Joy, wake up!

Come on, it's Christmas!

So what?

So, there's a present for you under the

tree.

A present?

Yeah.

Come on.

You better be bloody good.

Here he is, Captain Grumpy.

What sh*t, Nick?

It's fine.

It's just a workplace hazard.

You okay?

Let's just do the gift thing, yeah?

All right, first up is to Joy from Santa.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, it's heavy.

Oh my gosh!

Thank you, Santa.

How did you know?

And also from Santa, this one is for Nick.

Merry Christmas.

Get to know your barbecue.

Well, that's very thoughtful.

Thanks, Santa.

Hey, who's that one for?

Yeah, that's a group present.

That's for me, to you guys.

Who wants to open that one?

Me?

Oh, no way.

You don't have to use the iron to make

your coffee anymore.

Sorry, Chris, I didn't get you anything.

Yeah, me neither.

I didn't know you were doing gifts.

And I am flat broke.

It doesn't matter.

Your presents is seriously the best

present I could have.

This is going to be the best Christmas

ever.

Well, it's official.

I haven't stuffed.

What are you talking about?

It can't be.

It can be, and it is.

What's wrong with it?

It just doesn't turn on.

Why not?

I don't know.

I'm not an electrical engineer,

Chris.

Well, my mum always used to kick it.

Try that.

No, that didn't work.

Oh, man.

All right, where's my phone?

I'm going to call the oven man.

On Christmas Day?

Good luck.

Yeah, she's right.

The oven man won't come on Christmas Day.

Even oven men have families, Chris.

So what are we going to do?

Oh, there's always a ham.

Mate, my daughter's coming for Christmas.

We can't serve cold cuts.

It's got to be perfect.

I know.

Barbecue.

I knew I bought that gas bottle for a

reason.

You can't roast a five kilo turkey on a

barbecue plate, you idiots.

You really don't know how to cook,

do you?

FYI, Cape C's opening day.

We're not serving KFC to my daughter,

okay?

She hates me enough as it is.

What are you doing?

Neighbours.

Ah, they all hate us.

All the neighbours hate us.

Big time.

We're the only housing commission on the

street.

We've brought their property values way

down.

I've got an idea.

Oh, sorry.

You must have the wrong address.

We didn't order any milks on wheels.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm not a charity.

I'm actually in need of your charity.

See, I'm from the house a few doors down,

and our oven is packed together.

Oh, the halfway house?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So our oven's broken, so I was just wondering

if we could borrow yours for... Sorry.

We need our oven all day.

We've got lots of people

coming over, so... Is this all right?

I'm just... I'm sure you understand.

No, no, please.

We'll just be perfect.

Man.

G'day, mate.

Merry Christmas.

No way.

You could bugger off.

Listen, you clean the dog sh*t off your

lawn, mate.

Yeah?

Oh, Merry Christmas.

Ah, Christmas dinner for me.

Thanks so much.

No, no, no, no.

I was just wondering if maybe I could

borrow your oven.

It's pretty heavy.

You're not going to be able to move it on

your own.

Oh.

No, no.

I was wondering if I could use it to roast

this turkey.

I'm in a bit of a spot.

I could really use your health.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Yeah, yeah.

Come on in, Santa.

Thank you.

Have a seat.

Thank you.

You want a cookie?

Oh, yes, please.

That'd be lovely.

All sorted.

That nice old bloke at the end of the

street came to Santa's aid.

Old bloke?

Yeah, what's his name, Mr Burbanek?

Oh, no, no.

What?

He hates us.

Like, really hates us.

No, he's cool.

He even gave me a cookie and everything.

He didn't eat it.

Yeah, it was delicious.

He's a pothead.

He sells hash cookies to the kids at the

local high schools.

Come on.

He totally played you.

No way.

Yes way.

No, he's really cool.

He was really, really happy to take the

turkey off my hands.

Be right back.

You are busted.

You are dead, Chris.

Ham burgers.

We have ham.

We make ham burgers.

I'm gonna get ready.

Cookie cake, Dan.

Big time.

Time's up.

It's 1.30.

Should we start?

No.

Why don't we say grace while we wait?

Lord, we bless this wonderful feast that

Chris has prepared for us.

And we bless our family and our friends.

Look after those who are most in need

today.

In Jesus' name we pray.

Amen.

Amen.

She's not coming, is she?

No.

I mean, I can't say I don't blame her.

You've missed how many of our Christmas

lunches?

Not helping, Julie.

No.

No, she's wrong.

I was a bloody idiot to think I should

ever consider.

Excuse me.

Your Christmas maybe gets shitter every

year.

Aye aye, I need to borrow the car.

Planning anything stupid?

You all right to drive?

Yeah.

Promise?

Don't be long.

Smoky, no western blinds.

We're good.

With the flickering of a field.

Bracket smiles.

Don't act lost.

Just what I need for you.

Merry Christmas, officer.

Merry Christmas, Santa.

You are aware that you have one taillight

out?

sh*t.

That's right.

Santa, have you had anything to drink

tonight?

Keys.

Remain in the car.

Fix you up for the Uber.

Fight to get your car out of the drink.

Forget about it.

I'm taking you back to the rehab tomorrow,

Chris.

They break the rules.

You can't live with us anymore.

It's not healthy for you and it's not

healthy for us.

It's easy.

I was saying the line is, Bob,

that's a trick, aren't you?

Christ, man, I've lost everything,

you know.

I've lost my career.

I've lost my reputation.

I've lost my bloody family now,

mate.

It's yours.

What?

I found it in the back of your car,

mate, it's your bloody bottle.

Is that what this is about?

Is that why you did that?

You f*cking idiot.

It wasn't my bottle.

I took it off a woman who was relapsing in

group the other night.

That's how I got this shiny sh*t.

Bullshit, mate!

What's a big f*cking deal?

Like a pool knife by the cops, but it could

have been so much more worse, you know.

I suppose you've never done anything like

that, I miss the perfect.

Self-centered, egotistical.

Little man, it's always about you,

Chris.

It's always been about you.

You and your f*cking career, hey?

You want to know how this is going to end

for you.

One day you will be driving

your car and some little b*stard

will run across the road in

front of you chasing this ball.

And you'll be so sh*t-faced that you won't

see him in the blink of an eye.

Every f*cking thing will change for you.

You want to know why I do what I do,

why I have my faith and my rules.

It's because I have to live without every

day of my life.

It's a hell of a lot worse than not being

able to act in a f*cking Christmas movie.

You're out.

f*ck you.

I've got to take the bins out.

f*cking...

Happy Boxing Day.

Nobody says that.

Yeah, well they should.

Hey, um... I stole

a copy of your EP.

I had a listener.

It's really, really good.

So I'm going to send a copy

to my agent, no promises

whatsoever, but you

never know your luck, eh?

You're really going to do that?

Yeah.

And I'm going to get your car back.

Not that you're going to need it when

you're a big rock star.

Babe.

See ya.

Take it easy, Chris.

I'm calling the cops on you degenerates!

I'm sorry.

Mate.

If I had a dollar for every mistake I

made, I'd be Jeffrey Bloody Bezos.

Look, if...

If you ever need someone to talk to,

then you know where I am.

Yeah.

You know, you're pretty messed up when

your sponsor needs a sponsor.

I'm all meant as a... you know,

as a friend.

I appreciate that.

See ya later, Nick.

See ya later, Chris, you star.

Hey, your daughter just sent a message.

What does it say?

Tell Dad thanks.

I have a feeling.

Crack a smile.

I thought I'd lost.

Just what I need for the healing.

Daydreaming back to that dim little bar.

Yeah, I know I shouldn't.

Think I'll just play that guitar.

As if you thought I would.

The only thing that makes me make any

sense is the air conditioning.

When it's folded a grizzly Christmas.

Scrolling through my phone, wondering who

I'll be ringing.

There's me back out on the street.

But only for groceries.

It's the lonely trees.

Now it's the birds, the rats, and the

race.

I'm watching old Jimmy Stewart.

Must have knocked some graves.

I'm sitting in a circle, like a grateful

square.

From the past and the future, neither here

nor there.

Like a faded bauble, a cafe up the street.

Hanging its cheer all year, no one sees.

Hit the cycle, up where the birds eat my

cousin's way.

Look at me now, into coffee number three.

Before I've even started the day.

All I've learned, turned to a blur.

Just gotta stick to your g*n.

Keep it simple, do your best.

Take each day as it comes.

Staring into an open fridge.

Looking for something that isn't there.