05x02 - Crows and Lizard Legs

[bunniefuu]

♪

Okay, so her puppy chased
a butterfly under the porch,

and now he's stuck there.

Aww. So adorable.

But crawl spaces are
like bars after 3:00 AM.

Nothing good'll ever happen
in there.

Mmm. Uh...

What was the breed of this
fluffy little angel of yours?

Oh, Barkley is a French bulldog.

Oh, cute, helpless dummies.

I mean, they can't even
breathe without assistance,

it's like nature doesn't
want 'em to exist.

[Shred fake laughs]

All right.

Barkley.

Come here, boy.

[Frank]
Barkley!

Come here, boy.

I see a lot of dry rot.

[Frank]
Shoddy foundation.

These people are slobs.

Barkley! [whistles]

[dog whimpers]

Barkley?

[scary music plays]

[Frank yelps]

Please tell me she stores her
Halloween decorations down here.

They melt in the attic.

They're just festive props.

[Shred]
Proceed, buddy.

[dog whimpers]

[toy squeaks]

[mouse screeches]

[Frank yells]

My partner isn't
a big fan of holidays.

-[mouse screeches]
-[Frank screams]

♪ [vocalizing] ♪

♪

Sorry I'm late.

Templeton's not in today.

You don't have to pretend
somebody died.

Something did die.

My ability to walk
around the house naked.

I don't have to worry about that
'cause my neighbor's blind.

Or at least...
that's what he told me.

Addy bailed on
her family trip to India.

She skipped the connecting
flight and came back

to see her new boyfriend.

Oh, no.

No, no, look at me.

Excu...

You... [toy squeaks]
look at me!

Oww!

You promised me two months
of no bitching about your kids.

Get Addy out of town.

Put her in a roller suitcase
and check it in if you have to.

Also, how did she even
get a boyfriend?

It's... that's...

Don't make eye contact
with the crazy lady

wheeling the board.

Emily, you're not
the boss anymore.

I know I'm not the boss.
Templeton made that, um...

very clear, um.

But we are in the fight
of our lives against Roman,

and we cannot afford
any mistakes.

And right now,
Templeton is down at City Hall

getting reamed out
by the Commandant

because our customer service
scores have dipped.

We're not in the Coast Guard.

I'm not gonna call
him Commandant.

He's Reggie, the mayor's cousin.

I thought our scores were
at an all-time high last month.

Yeah. We've been
k*lling ourselves.

I don't even use the bathrooms
in people's homes anymore.

You... shouldn't... be...
anyways, no.

Our scores are down
and Templeton has named me

Citizen Czar.

Citizen Czar is not a thing.

He just watched the movie
Anastasia for the first time.

Anyways, Pax Romana
could shut us down.

And right now, Roman is winning
the w*r with the public.

Word on the street is
he's giving away awesome

purple water bottles,
so we have to up our game.

Which means...

We need tens across the board.

Which we have,
except for Truck 12,

who just got a terrible review.

-What?
-Excuse me?

How does that happen?
What're you doing out there?

What did you do?

Julie S. gave us a five?

But I rescued her dog
out from under her porch.

It was pure heroism.

What did she say
about the D-Day invasion?

"Too sandy. Three out of ten"?

Other comments include,
"Officer was rude,

inconsiderate, and showed
no regard for others".

Um... that's the dictionary
definition of Frank.

Look, I accept that opinions,
like ironic T-shirts,

are just things
that some people have.

But I reject their power over me.

You just can't play the game,
can you?

[Victoria]
Nuh-uh.

Look, the only reason
you get tens is because

every time you screw up,
you say you have diabetes.

-Can't prove I don't.
-Probably does!

Okay, we know how important
these scores are,

so today we will
approach every call

with a glimmer in our eye
and a song in our heart.

Won't we, Frank?

-Grumble.
-You can't just say grumble.

-Shrug.
-Okay.

We're gonna get
those scores up, boss.

I mean, babe. Sorry! Emily.

Sorry...

Czar.

A lot of changes to navigate.

♪

I hate review culture.

That's why I only lasted
one shift at TGI Friday's.

-Frank...
-The only people

who say the customer
is always right are people

who never have to interact
with the dum-dum public.

-Look, man...
-I'm not talking about

a true cultural critic
who provides checks and balances

on a society run amok.

Your Oscar Wilde, Fran Lebowitz,

-Gene Siskel...
-We get it! Okay?

You're a rebel.
A lone wolf.

A single man with
no dependents. Okay?

But when you alienate the public,

it hurts the whole team, dude.

And it reminds me
of a time when...

I smell a clumsily shoehorned
snowboarding story coming on.

Sure, I was up there alone
on that mountain,

But my personal score
affected the team score.

So when I messed up,

I had to stand up
in front of my whole team

and own up to my mistakes.

And that's why you need to start

taking some accountability.

Yeah, accountability
leads to apologies.

It's a slippery slope.
I'm not doing that.

Oh, yes you are.

'Cause I'm driving to
Julie S.'s house right now

to show her that
Frank Shaw is no five.

He is a ten in looks
and an eight in personality.

So, an eight point five.

Personality is weighted.

Ooh! Sleeveless.

Someone's planning on
barbecue today.

This is my intimidation look.

Addy's bringing her new
boyfriend by for lunch.

I'm going to scare him
into breaking up with her.

Oh, yeah, I like that.
A breakup is perfect for us.

It gets Addy out of town
and it wrecks her confidence.

That girl feels way too good
about herself.

Once this punk takes a look
at Addy's tough old man,

he's gonna run.

[laughs then chokes]

Yeah.

Okay, and this is
my dad's stupid office,

which explains why
he always smells so weird.

Hey.

Hey, I'm Walt.
Nice to meet you, sir.

You say that now...

Oh, excuse the hardware.

It's a tranq g*n.
It shoots.

Cool.

Dad. You're being weird.
We're getting sodas.

Okay. To be continued.

I've already lost the upper hand.

Yeah, you need our help.

So... Emily and I
are gonna break them up.

[Emily] Me? No, no, no.

No, I can't be involved
in any office shenanigans.

But you're not the boss
right now, so this is

your chance to be a much
cooler version of yourself.

That's true.
I am floating today.

I mean, maybe I could talk to
Addy about prioritizing things

other than a boyfriend.

It's important for girls
to hear that from girl bosses.

-Girl Czars.
-Yeah.

First, let me talk to Walt,

'cause I can already
think of, like,


about Addy, so...

Okay, but don't
mess her up too bad,

'cause I can't afford therapy.

Okay. Let me do the talking.

Hi, there.

You might remember us
as the friendly Animal Control

officers that helped you
with Barkley yesterday.

Yeah. Of course.

-Is everything okay?
-Yes.

We just wanted to swing by
and see how Barkley is doing.

-Barkley's fine.
-Great!

Well, we take
customer satisfaction

very seriously at Animal Control.

So, please let us know if
there's anything else we can do.

Ah, okay... you're here
because of my review.

Listen.

I know my partner's a bit
of an acquired taste.

Like blue cheese
or no-show socks.

Actually, I didn't ding
you guys because of him.

It was you.

-Me?
-Mm-hmm.

This is why I get out
of bed in the morning.

Please, continue Julie.

And really,
you can't be too harsh.

Okay, well, take a look.

[blows air]

Oh!

Yeah.

Oh, my Lord, I'm a monster.

I'd like to apologize
for my revolting partner.

-Thank you.
-Step one.

Accountability.

Let's rewatch that clip
and drink it in together.

Gladly.

Can you turn it up?

I think I'm gonna cry.

Is this what you look like
when you're happy?

I'm seeing teeth
I've never seen before.

Just when I think the universe
is indifferent to my joy,

it brings me a gift like this.

I probably have
some bad habits left over

from my snowboarding days.

Like how I sometimes I slip
into calling people bro.

Nose blowing is probably
one of those things, so...

I'm sorry, bro.

Oh, it's okay.
Take a break, pee in the yard.

It's not funny, Frank.

Look at what she's drinking
out of.

That's a Pax Romana water bottle.

Roman is closing in,

and I am failing my beloved Czar.

Oh, this is not about Emily.

This is about you being
the rude one and hating it.

Of course I hate it!

Okay? I'm the lovable
mop-top cutie guy.

[caws]

Take a hike, bird.

Whoa! Don't piss off a crow.

They remember faces
and hold grudges.

They're the Italian grandmothers
of the animal kingdom.

Is there anything else
he can clean while we're here?

I'd offer him for gutters,

but even on the ladder
he can't reach.

I bet you don't have
that problem.

I can break six-five
if my hair product cooperates.

Wow.

And I know he's being coy,
but there is a button

on the website that will
allow you to adjust reviews.

I don't normally
I don't even leave reviews.

I don't like
to encourage the idea

that everybody's opinion matters.

Let's be honest,
most people aren't Gene Shalit.

-[crow caws]
-[Shred screams]

Come on!

I'm working on
your amenities here!

Should you help him?

Nah, he's got it.

Whoa.

This place keeps on going.

You're a nice guy, Stretch.

Oh. Thanks.

Really noble.

'Cause, like, you could be
playing the field.

Crushing it, by the way.

But instead, you're going
out with someone

who's, like, really... ugh!
You know what I mean?

Uh... not really.

I just think it's really sweet

that you're not bothered by
Addy's chronic diarrhea.

She's so brave.

Uh... what are you doing?

I have to hydrate these
lizard eggs twice a day.

-Huh.
-That's the mom.

We rescued her from under
a Ferris wheel at a carnival.

Whoa. Can I hold her?

-Yeah.
-Huh.

[lizard chitters]

-[lizard chitters]
-[Walt] Whoa!

That is so dope.

You can keep it if you dump Addy.

-Hmm?
-Hmm?

[Frank] Everybody gather round!

Gather round, everyone.

Gather round.

Why is Shred standing on a desk?

It's funny you should
bring up accountability.

-I didn't.
-No, Shred did.

While he was lecturing me
about teamwork.

So, just like in his
snowboarding days,

our humble little truck
has a new policy.

Now, he will publicly
explain his failures.

Everyone...

the bad review
was not Frank's fault.

It was mine.

-[crowd reacts]
-[Emily] What?

In full view of
a security camera, I...

Frederick Taylor,

air hankied into
Julie S.'s avian spa.

You what in her what?

A ring video of the incident
is now on all your phones.

[messages pinging]

[blows air]

-Eww!
-[crowd gasps]

[Shred]
It's not pretty.

[Shred]
It's not nice.

I wasn't even aware that I do it.

Some of us are aware.
Very aware.

You are k*lling me, babe.
I'm Citizen Czar!

On a personal note,

uh, this has been
a real wake-up call.

I didn't realize I was
such a repugnant menace

to the public,
and I've decided to formally

offer my resignation.

Mmm! Not necessary.

But I do believe this calls

for a wholesale
reevaluation of Frank.

Turns out... he's an angel.

A big, strong millennial angel.

Okay, none of this
helps our situation.

Our board remains unchanged.

Whoa! Rad graphics.

Dagnabbit, Walt!

Where did you get that bottle?!

Pax Romana.

Did a whole thing in the gym.

Oh, cool. Okay.

Fear not.

While F. Snot Fitzgerald
was busy cleaning himself up,

I convinced Julie
to change her review.

She will be resubmitting
a rave shortly.

So, turns out...

I'm a hero.

A parade would be too much,

but I think a cake
would be too little.

♪

Huh?

Status update on the breakup?

Not good.

Walt really likes
and respects your daughter.

-Oh!
-Mm-hmm.

Emily, you're up.

A breakup gets Addy
back on a plane

and restores my freedom, so...

You say all that crap about
independent women or whatever.

Okay, um, I'm just gonna
jump into the hijinks

and act like I belong.

-Mm-hmm. Giddy up!
-Oh!

I'm screwed.

Hey.

So, girl time is so important.

I'm gonna go get Walt.

OMG! Speaking of Walt,
he seems super cool.

I mean, so much rizz,
and seems like he uses tissues.

Unlike lots of men
walking around these days.

But... I don't want you
to get sidetracked

from the more important
things in life.

You know, um...

you might find
this hard to believe,

but I actually stayed
single in high school.

'Cause I had other
priorities, like...

copy editing
the morning announcements,

and getting to know my aunts.

Oh, right, because you
didn't have computers.

N-no, we had computers.

We had...

one computer
for the whole family.

But the point is,

my life felt very full because
I wasn't tied down to boys.

I mean, I didn't even have
S-E-X until college.

Um, graduation.

Uh... I think
a little after that.

So, you're saying I should
go for it before it's too late?

No! No, no, that's exactly
the opposite...

from what I'm saying, so...

I mean, I wouldn't wanna end up
being a sad old lady.

Oh.

Well, that tells me you're not
spending enough time

with your aunts.

'Cause I would be happy
to end up like Gloria, Susan,

or honestly, even Dot.

So...

And, um...

six-seven.

♪

[Shred]
We're still at a five?

Yeah. Weird, right?

I cleaned the fountain!
We apologized.

You two shared a couple laughs.

You said she agreed
to change her score.

Well, I could call her.

Her number's
on the incident report.

No, man, that's government info.

It's risky. Don't do that.

She liked me.
We had a rapport.

Okay, don't get me wrong,

you're a tall drink
of water, bud.

But it's her personal cell phone.

-[call rings]
-It's ringing.

-Frank.
-[Julie] Hello?

Hi, Julie. This is Frank.

Uh, from before.
At your house.

-Rough start.
-Hi, Frank from before.

I was wondering
if you had time to chat.

[Julie] Uh, no.
Unfortunately not.

I'm sorry to bug you.

It was my disgusting
partner's idea.

Don't do that.

-But I am free tonight.
-[Frank] Oh?

I'm also free tonight.

Uh, you wanna...

grab a drink?

[Julie]
I'd love to!

I love you, too.

I mean, I... mean...
I would love to, too.

Okay! I'll see you later.

Wow.

I feel like I just watched
Sully land a plane

on the Hudson River.

And you're the stupid goose
who almost got us all k*lled.

Hey, how did it go with Addy?

Um, I may or may not have
convinced Addy

to lose her virginity to Walt.

-Are you kidding me?
-Yeah, things got away from me.

I'm sorry,
what do you expect, though?

It's my first shenanigan!

So, now Walt is gonna defile

the most precious thing
in my life.

My me time.

There's only one move left.

The original move.

Intimidation.

Uh-huh...

Hey, Mr. P.

[dart hisses]

[Victoria and Emily gasp]

♪

[Patel] Oof.

Did anybody see me
sh**t this boy?

Hamburger help us.
Is he gonna be okay?

Okay, I'm gonna grab
a dose of wake-up juice

and maybe a banana.
I don't know.

I always crave those
after I've been revived.

Okay. Excuse me.

This shenanigan is starting
to feel more like

attempted m*rder.

Hey! Once you're in
on shenanigans

you do not bail on shenanigans.

I am so mad at you right now,
and I'm so scared for Walt,

but I also never want
this moment to end.

Like, what's happening to me?

I got it!

We might have to forge some
paperwork, but I got it. Okay.

[Walt gasps]

Hey! There he is.

How was your nap, buddy?

That... was awesome!

[nervous laughter]

That's-that's what it's supposed
to feel like.

[Patel]
Awesome.

The essential John Philip Sousa.

I had this CD.

It's on my workout mix.

Tuba's great when
I'm blasting my glutes.

Hmm. Hey, can I have
a little bit more?

Oh, I'll check with
the sommelier.

-He says yes.
-Thank you.

[phone vibrates]

-What?
-Hey! Just checking in.

How's the restaurant?

Also, be sure
to pick up the check.

I'm pretty sure
you can expense it.

No, we're back at my place.

Okay, this is escalating.

Yeah, it is.

In a very carnal
but respectful way.

I'm gonna go for it.

Unless there's some professional
reason this is not a good idea.

Well, it's a gray area.

Flip the camera around,
let me get a view of the space.

Sense of the vibe.

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

[Shred] Well, in that
case, I say go for it.

But to be clear on the stakes,

you are proposing that you have
sex to save all of our jobs.

She's playing
Glory of the Yankee Navy.

It's my walkout song, I gotta go.

[music continues playing]

I can't believe
you shot my boyfriend.

Actually, it was pretty fun.

Plus he apologized.

Yeah... no, I didn't apologize.

Legally, it's very important
that we agree on that.

I just gave you a hat.

You have the coolest job.

Lizards, tranq g*ns,
accountability speeches.

You hear that, Addy?
Boyfriend thinks I'm cool.

Thanks so much
for the ride, Mr. P.

You're the best.

Bye, Addy.
See you tomorrow?

-See you, boo.
-Awesome.

Huh.

That guy ruined my life,
but he's a good kid.

He's a dork and
I'm breaking up with him.

Oh.

[Glory of the Yankee Navy
continues playing]

I hope you're not
allergic to cat hair.

I'm deadly allergic,
but it's okay.

[phone rings]

Mmm! Uh...

Might be important?

Why don't you get that?

I'll be right back.

[phone rings]

This is not
an ongoing conversation!

Hey, you hung up before
we could wish you good luck.

-[Frank] We?
-Hey!

Oh, okay, stud!

I see those three
shirt buttons undone.

Listen, I'm not some
sort of piece of meat.

Now, let me go have sex
to save our jobs.

Hey, Frank! It's Emily.
Good luck with the sex.

I can say that
'cause I'm not your boss.

Guys, this isn't a group project.

It kind of is, buddy.
We're all counting on you.

But we all know your
track record with women,

so don't feel like
it has to be a ten.

A nine... a nine'll do, right?

Actually, I did some quick math
and it does have to be a ten.

Where were we?

About halfway through my usual


Oh, well...

[Victoria] Okay,
well, have fun, Frank!

But not too much fun.

-Is everything okay?
-Yes.

Spam call.

No, I don't want
your stupid solar panels.

Come here.

Frank Shaw clocking in.

Sorry I'm late. I had to
take Addy to the airport.

I even stayed to make sure
the plane took off.

[Victoria]
Hell, yeah!

My window of freedom
is open once again.

The ups and downs of in-office
tomfoolery are exhilarating.

And I thought writing
a budget got my heart rate up.

You're cute when you're goofin'.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.

Then watch this.

[loud trill]

Oh, I'll call IT.
I'm sorry.

[Shred] It's
probably an easy fix.

[office cheers]

-Hey!
-There he is.

Thanks for keeping my mission
such a closely-guarded secret.

You know, office gossip spreads,

usually on that office
text thread.

That's where I posted it.

And don't be bashful, Hoss.
Everybody's just psyched

you took such a big swing
on our behalf.

Yeah. Wow.
Sex with a woman.

Did you remember how
everything fits together,

or did you have
to consult some charts?

You know, maybe we could
all be adults about this

and respect my feelings
and privacy.

Yeah, we're all just really
grateful for you, Frank.

Because you were put
in an awkward position.

This guy?

Probably just missionary.

All right. Enough! But...

Who knows what Julie's gonna do?

I mean, maybe
she'll raise our score or...

lower it.

Why would she do that?

Is it because you were too good?

Oh, no!

Performance anxiety.

[Victoria] I mean, I get it.
I've never personally...

witnessed it, but I...
I've heard of it happening.

Look, you guys all got in
my head with your good-natured

support and stupid
motivational FaceTime call.

[phone pings]

Oh, uh...
Julie just updated her review.

Just read it.

Okay. Um...

"Upon a return visit,"

"the officer attempted
to satisfy my request."

"Unfortunately, he lacked..."

"Properly functioning
equipment."

Oh!

-You need a hug.
-Don't touch me.

Oh, wa-wa-wait! There's more,
there's more, there's more.

Um... "But his determination",

"even in the face of
total failure,"

"was touching."

-Ten out of ten!
-Oh!

She gave you a pity ten!

[Patel] Hey! There you go.

Hi. Hey...

Just so you know, if you ever
need a little blue pill...

I know a guy.

My grandfather.

I'm gonna go run myself over
with a truck.

See, unlike you...
I can get up.

You're a ten in our books, Frank.

[Frank]
Yeah.

-What's up?
-[crow caws]

That bird.

I think I've seen it before.

No, all crows look the same.

Are you ready to go?

Yeah, it's just my phone.

I left it out there on the table.

Okay... do you wanna get it?

[Shred] Nope. I don't need it.

You don't need your phone?

No.

[crow caws]

Everybody's gunnin' for me.