25x00 - Happy Hell-o-ween

[bunniefuu]

[♪ Theme music playing]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

[♪ Whimsical music playing]

[kids chattering]

[♪ eerie sting plays]

Hell of a costume, Peter.

You don't think I can get away with it?

When this was written? No.

When it airs? Probably.

Ah, I'm not gonna chance it.

[female voice] Happy Halloween, Peter!

Oh, but when she does it, it's fine!

My culture is not your costume!

Happy Halloween, fellas!

What are you supposed to be?

Who's Kittredge?

Seriously? Beau Kittredge?

Six club titles,

seven world titles,

five AUDL titles,

and was the AUDL MVP twice!

He's the Michael Jordan of Ultimate!

Ultimate what?

"Ultimate what"? Ultimate Frisbee!

Then say that!

[laughing] Whoo!

Beau Kittredge, second-best
Ultimate player next to Jimmy Mickle.

Joe, I am this close
to absolutely freaking losing it.

Who are you supposed to be?

Really?

Guy Berryman.

The bassist from Coldplay?

Joe, nobody knows
who the bassist from Coldplay is.

Is that so?

Why don't you say that to men
experiencing reduced testicle size

due to middle-aged testosterone loss?

Whoa! Guy Berryman! Nice!

Thanks.

And, uh, sorry about your ba*ls.

I can't believe I have to spend
Halloween with these idiots.

-[cell phone chimes]
-[gasps]

Oh, my God! Brian! We're saved.

A guest and I are invited

to the Block Island Ferry Halloween
Masquerade Ball!

Are you dying? I'm dead.

I don't know. That's pretty far away.

It's always the party of the year.

Eddie Redmayne might be going.

Why would Eddie Redmayne be going?

He might be going.

Plus, every hot socialite will be there.

It's a who's who of women
who have plowed through cafés in G-Wagons.

Oh, damn, socialites?

Could be a good content collab sesh.

Get the brand out there. I'm in.

Now I almost don't want to take you.

How do you get invited to this stuff?

Because I'm a little pickleball sl*t, Bri.

Trust me, this will be
the biggest social event

since Diddy's white party.

-[♪ Upbeat music playing]
-[indistinct chatter]

Oh, my God,
I can't believe I wore eggshell.

This is so embarrassing.

Eh, probably no one will remember.

There's kind of a lot
of other stuff going on.

[camera shutter clicks]

[sobbing] ...and then I remember

walking past a baby

dressed in eggshell instead of white.

[crying]

[crowd murmuring]

[bangs gavel] Order! Order!

You ruined my daughter's picture!

[grunts, straining]

[♪ Whimsical music playing]

What exactly are our costumes again?

You're one of the guys
railing Nicole Kidman,

and I'm Tom Cruise watching
from the balcony,

but I'm all like,
"Oh, I was gonna do that."

-[water splashes]
-[man] Help!

I can't swim!

Oh, my God!
We're coming to get you, buddy!

[ferry announcer] Last call
for the Block Island Ferry

Halloween Masquerade Ball.

Once we jump in, there's no way
we're gonna make it to that party.

I was just thinking that, but...

-I mean, we have to...
-Yeah, you're right. We gotta save him.

Even if the tuxes get wet.

What does that have to do with it?

Well, that Mr. Tux was not thriving.

I don't think they survive
two water-damaged suits.

So, if we save the man,
we're k*lling a business.

But we clearly have to save him.

No, yes, of course.
We just have to make peace

with the Mr. Tux of it all.

Please! I can't make it much longer!

Yeah, we got you.

We're not the type of guys
who'd let a man drown. Come on!

[ferry announcer] And a special
Block Island Ferry welcome

to Eddie Redmayne, who is definitely here.

Help!

[gasping]

We save him now,
he's likely got brain damage.

His poor family's burden for life.

His poor family, Bri.

-My jeans are getting very heavy!
-We're talking!

Seriously, Stewie? I'm saving him!

-[gasps]
-[water bubbling]

[ferry announcer] And another
Block Island Ferry welcome

to the fringe members of the new cast

of Socialites with Low Self-Esteem!

This guy's a vegetable. Let's go.

[tires screech]

[socialite 1] Tinsley?
I think you hit something.

[socialite 2] Shut up,
also Tinsley, you b*tch!

[♪ Ominous music playing]

What happened? Where are we?

I remember that SUV hitting us.

Hey, buddy? Are... are we dead?

Oh, wow, yeah. We're dead?

No, I'm asking you if we're dead.

What's the last thing you remember?

Uh, having ice cream,
then driving my family off a cliff.

Yeah. Wow.

[screams]

I think it's good
we're not going where he's going.

[Stewie screams]

[Brian screams]

[♪ Ominous music continues]

[♪ Soft music playing over intercom]

What is this place?

-[door opens]
-[distant screaming]

[door clanks shut]

[♪ Ethereal harp music playing]

It appears we're in some sort
of afterlife waiting room.

We... We're going to Heaven, right?

I think so. We had a speed bump
with that drowning guy,

-but it's the whol...
-The whole life, yeah. It's gotta be.

Guy in a Boy Scout uniform,
could go either way.

[Stewie] Beady-eyed
gymnastics doctor, same.

-[♪ Harp music playing]
-Stewie and Brian?

Right this way.

-Phew.
-Seventy-two virgins coming my way!

Isn't that an extremist Muslim thing?

I kinda cherry-pick
the virgin stuff from all religions.

[♪ Ethereal music playing]

[♪ Music turns menacing]

Welcome to Hell.

[both gasp]

Did they bring you in
through the Heaven door?

[chuckles] I love when they do that.

Aw! We're in Hell?

Yep. The very one.

Hades. The "Hotel California."

Isn't that right, Glenn Frey?

It's true. I'm here 'cause I screwed
Don Felder out of a lot of money.

-Who's Don Felder?
-Exactly!

-And who are you?
-Ouch.

[♪ Sinister music playing]

-[demons shrieking]
-[people screaming]

There must be some mistake.
We don't belong in Hell.

Yeah, seems like a pretty stiff punishment
for letting one guy drown.

Oh, sure, yeah. Hey, no problem.

I'll just, uh, check your file real quick,
see if you belong here.

[snaps fingers]

[scatting] Oh, says you, uh,
drugged and framed your babysitter?

Oh, that was like Season 4!

Right, okay. I guess old doesn't count...

[clears throat] ...to you.

Okay, let's see.

Ooh, uh, you also tried to drown Chris
because your teddy bear was his first.

Remember that? I sure do.

One could say I saved Chris from drowning.

You're constantly trying
to k*ll your mother, yeah?

That's actually written down here.

What's it like to hear that?

That's for the fans, baby!

Oh, for the fans, yeah.
I think they're... they're over that one.

Um, you once left an overdosing
Mother Teresa to die, didn't you?

Hey, you wanna sing and dance,
you gotta pay the band, baby!

You punctuated two sentences
in a row with "baby."

Yes, I instantly regretted that.

Are you gonna do Brian?

Oh, Brian? Yeah, sure.

Uh, let's see, Brian, Brian...

You abandoned your wife
because she had cancer.

Wow! What?

That's not true.
It was after she beat cancer.

After she gained a little weight, maybe?

Uh, it was a lot of weight.

[splutters] Maybe put that in the file.

Ah, okay. Good suggestion. Noted.

You both beat a man to death
with a bat on Christmas Eve.

Oh, you're making it sound
worse than it was.

And Brian,

remember how you pissed everyone off
in that episode where you died?

People got tattoos of you, man.

What? Maybe some losers did.

Hey, buddy?

[♪ Intriguing sting plays]

Well, I'll be damned.

Yeah, me too.

Ha! Nice!

You guys definitely belong here.

All right, let me show you
to your eternal Hell stations.

All right.

This elevator takes us
to the various depths,

or circles of Hell,

as Dante referred to them
in Dante's Inferno.

Oh, love Dante.

Every stanza. Great stanzas.

Dante Cos-stanza, should be.

Ugh, is this guy serious?

-Yeah, welcome to my Hell, buddy.
-[elevator rumbles]

[snarling]

-[♪ Menacing sting plays]
-[both gasp]

[growls] Beelzebub, et cetera.

Sorry, I'll catch the next one.

[distant screaming]

What is going on here?

Oh, we're, uh, doing an orientation

for people who are still alive
but definitely heading here soon.

-[screaming]
-[demons cackling]

Oh, my God, is that Jamie Lee Curtis?

Why would she come here?
She did a bunch of good stuff.

Yeah, but it's getting a bit much, right?

-Lately?
-Well, I mean...

[laughs] Am I wrong?

Is it not getting a bit much?

I'll make you a deal.

You look me in the eye
and tell me, in all honesty,

that she is not getting
a bit much and we will let her go.

I...

I... I can't do that.

Hey, are there any other celebrities
down here that would surprise us?

Uh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I got a great one.

[elevator dings]

Recognize this guy?

Is that Jimmy Carter?
What is he doing here?

I had pie for breakfast once.

-Jimmy.
-I maybe said "crap" a few times.

James Carter?

I built a house for every wh*re I banged.

There it is.

Oh, real quick. Uh, I wanted
to show you the circle

for people who share
Disney+ passwords with family and friends.

[gasps] There should be
a Super Hell for them.

[electricity crackling]

[♪ Disney+ launch tune playing]

I just don't get why they'd do that.
It's such a fair price.

And think of all that content
on Disney+ and Hulu.

Original shows and movies
with new titles added daily.

And live sports.

Yeah, they got something for everyone.

Plus, name another streamer
with this level of Hulu-larity!

Wow, Peter, what are you doing here?

In real life, I'm choking on
a Now and Later that I refused to chew.

People think I'm gonna die.

-Why didn't you chew it?
-Dared myself.

Oh, looks like I got it down.

I'm not gonna learn a lesson.

Bye, guys!

-[♪ Eerie music playing]
-[elevator shrieking]

Hey, has there ever been someone
who gets stuck in purgatory forever?

Yeah, Stephen Hawking.

Wow, really? Was he secretly bad?

Mm, no, no.

Uh, Heaven's just weirdly
not ADA-compliant,

and, uh, he didn't want to come here.

Did I ever tell you that my wife, Eleanor,
was a closeted l*sbian?

[Stephen Hawking] Yes, Franklin,
I remember yesterday's conversation.

My brain isn't in a wheelchair.

Here we are. Brian, this is
your custom-tailored version of Hell.

Oh, doesn't seem so bad...

-[loud popping]
-[yelping]

What was that? What was that?

-Your Hell is July 4th.
-Aw.

♪ Cuatro de Julio ♪

♪ Cuatro de Julio ♪

In a Latino neighborhood.

Aw!

And the Dodgers just won!

-♪ Cuatro de Julio ♪
-[Brian yelling]

-♪ Cuatro de Julio ♪
-[firecrackers popping]

[Brian continues yelling]

♪ Cuatro de Julio... ♪

[giggling] You know what?
I'm not minding this.

I'm gonna run over
to Starbucks real quick.

Oh, this looks so fun!

What's good here?

"What's good"? You're not at a steakhouse.

Oh, wow, you have syrups?

How does she not know this?

Dear, if you allow me
to go in front, I'll buy your coffee.

Can I try a sample?

Oh, my God.

-[grumbling]
-[cash register dings]

Finally!

So, I'm ordering for everybody at work.

[snarls]

Oh, wait. This is my Hell, isn't it?

Oh, clever. Very clever.

Venti mocha for Georgia and...

Uh... [chuckles]

Sylvie forgot to write hers down.

I'll just call her.

Unbelievable. Why are you ordering
for everyone at work, anyway?

We're having a party
'cause the Dodgers won.

-♪ Cuatro de Julio ♪
-[yelling]

-♪ Cuatro de Julio ♪
-[yelps]

I'm starting to see
how that could bug a guy.

All right, I have, uh,

-stacks of paperwork waiting for me.
-[shouts]

I'll leave you guys to get uncomfortable.

Hey, I think we've had enough for today.

We're ready to go to our rooms.

Oh, there are no rooms, no.
There's just, uh,

cots in the Superdome. Bye!

[♪ Jaunty music playing]

-[♪ Music distorts]
-[flies buzzing]

All right, not ideal, but could be worse.

-What's that?
-The Saints just won!

[♪ Upbeat band music playing,
"When the Saints Go Marching In"]

This is terrible.

Yeah, but the NFC South
is kinda ours for the taking now.

Where are the bathrooms?

Oh, there are no bathrooms,
but we can use any box we find.

The KFC $5 boxes are the perfect size,
but they go pretty quick.

[demons shrieking, snarling]

[♪ Ominous music playing]

-[flies buzzing]
-[vultures cawing]

Hey! Flint water!
Get your Flint, Michigan water here!

Flint water!

Ugh. This sucks.

It does suck.
We deserve better, right, guys?

Well, it's not in my nature to complain.

You see, I was a priest.

Okay, I don't want to hear the rest.

No, no, no. I cheated on my taxes.

Oh, that's not that bad.

Yeah, I'm not a sicko.
The children I molested were girls.

Yeah, let's move past that guy.

How about you, Victorian guy?
What did you do?

I stared longingly
at a married woman's wrists.

That's not even ill*gal anymore!

I'm also Jack the Ripper.

Okay, blowing by that.

You, lady with crazy eyes,
what did you do?

I'm Catholic and I ate meat on a Friday.

Pfft, you don't belong here.

I also strangled


Okay, everybody?
Let's just say the second thing, okay?

Hell doesn't have to be this bad!

Yes, there's a cot reserved for
the MyPillow guy's likely very-soon death.

Why isn't anyone
calling him about bedding?

I'm over here sleeping on
a freakin' lumpy pancake pillow!

It's Hell. We can't do anything about it.

Oh, yeah? Why can't we?

You and I could fight him.

Well, sure, but how could we
get anyone to join us?

I think I know a way. Watch this.

The Devil wants Matt Rife
to perform an hour with no crowd work!

-That's impossible!
-He doesn't have the material!

My wife thought he was handsome.
That's why I k*lled her.

-[♪ Eerie music playing]
-[demons shrieking]

[protestors clamoring]

-What do we want?
-[protestors] Now!

-And when do we want it?
-Better Hell!

All right, we'll work on it.

Boy, there's a lotta dingbats
in Hell, huh?

Oh, what's all this, now?
What are you doing?

We have some complaints!

Oh, for crying... Come on, what?

My t*rture gives me anxiety,

so I want a mental health break
like Simone Biles.

No, no, we love her.
Let's not drag her into this.

I have to push a rock up a hill,

and I'd like it to be untimed

because I have ADD
and I learn differently.

Okay, that's enough
from Gen Z. Anybody else?

We want the age of consent lowered!

-He's not with us.
-I came with these two.

Yeah, I'm not gonna, like, tell a guy

he can't walk in the same direction as me.

[snarls]

All right, I've had enough.

Everyone out. I'm too busy for this.

Well, just get some help.

"Oh, get some help." Yeah, yeah,
I haven't thought of that before.

Everyone here is lazy.

I used to have all the gays helping

and being super mean
in funny ways, they ruled,

and then somebody decided
it's not a sin so I lost 'em!

Oh, boo-hoo. Cowboy up, man.

You know what? You know what? It's fine.

You guys think you can do a better job?

Here. Here you go,
take the thing, I'm done. I quit!

Enjoy this thankless job!

[♪ Eerie sting plays]

Whoa, we're in charge of Hell?

Well, one thing's for sure.

This is gonna make
a great 1980s ABC promo.

[narrator] Tonight...

Whoa, we're in charge of Hell?

[narrator] Stewie and Brian
are damned for eternity,

but is it too much for the Devil?

I quit! Enjoy this thankless job!

[narrator] Things are really heating up

on an all-new Family Guy.

Then...

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Every time you go
into business, you take a risk.

-[clock ticking]
-[g*nsh*t]

You k*lled everyone I ever loved.

[narrator] Susan Lucci...

You don't have to be gentle,
I won't break.

[narrator] Lady Mobster. Next Sunday.

[♪ Jaunty music playing]

[♪ Music distorts]

All right, Bri, what should
our first changes be

as the new Devil and Devil's assistant?

Wait, wouldn't we be co-Devils?

Oh, sure, co-Devil, yeah.
Like "Co-Devil and The Deep Blue Sea."

"Co-deviled ham sandwich."

"Oh, God! You co-Devil."

You hear that?
You hear how dumb that sounds?

Okay, fine.
Now, what do we say to this crowd?

sh**t from the hip. No bad ideas.

Uh, well, what about
alternate side of the street parking?

All right, so we've established
there are bad ideas.

I'm just priming the pump.

Oh, maybe, instead of it being
"The Devil you know,"

we make it fun. "The Devil. You know?"

That's terrible.

Hey! We're the new Devils.

And by the time we're through here,

it's not gonna be, "The Devil you know,"

it's gonna be, "The Devil. You know?"

[crowd cheering]

They like our ideas!

We're gonna be the people's Devils.

How can we improve Hell?

Hell is too hot!

It is very hot.

We're gonna get air conditioning!

Yes! Everyone is getting A/C!

Central or forced air?

We don't... we don't have to get into
the weeds right out of the gate.

We want forced air!

[chuckles nervously] Okay, okay.

Maybe somebody can explain to our friend

that "forced air" describes
the air distribution system,

basically, duct work,

whereas "central air"
is specific to the cooling part.

[man] So it's gonna be central?

We're gonna figure it out.

All right, no more A/C questions!
Now, what else?

We hate commutes.
We want to be tortured at home!

-Done.
-And all t*rture is voluntary now.

But we can choose it if we want?

Yes, Lee, you can choose it.

And say goodbye to poop boxes,
'cause we're getting toilets!

[crowd cheering]

And everyone is getting little gold
necklaces with their names in cursive.

[woman 1] I'm a woman, so I love that!

And in the downtown area,
we're gonna ban cars.

Hell is gonna be walkable
and full of cute cafés and bistros!

[woman 2] I'm another woman,
so I love that!

[crowd cheering]

We're doing great!

Hey, would you mind getting me
a grande iced caffè mocha?

I can't go back in there.

-[demon cackling]
-[man screaming]

[♪ Soft music playing over speakerphone,
Christopher Cross "Arthur's Theme"]

That didn't sound fun.

Let's just say the zoning board

won't approve a mixed-use
commercial/t*rture space.

Where are we at with
the additional A/C units?

On hold with Carrier.

[Carrier agent] I apologize for the wait.

I am gonna have to put you
on hold once more.

I've been on hold for two hours!

This is unacceptable!

I'm the Devil! Maybe I take
my business elsewhere.

[Carrier agent] Sir, this is Carrier.

If you can think of even one single
other air conditioner brand,

then be my guest.

-Fine, I'll hold.
-[♪ soft music continues playing]

[announcer] Carrier.
We dare you to think of

even one single other
air conditioner brand.

[headsets clack]

I have your 6:15 appointment.

I'm sorry, what was this about?

Yeah, I noticed that the commissary
only has Oroweat bread now.

Right. In order to pay
for all these new changes,

I had to let Oroweat sponsor everything.

Can we get another kind of bread?

That, uh... [chuckles]

That's the one thing
we definitely cannot get.

I love Dave's k*ller Bread.
It has seeds and extra protein.

I love it too! It's not happening!

I signed a deal! Anything else?

Yeah, an A/C unit
was just installed in my building,

and it's... it's a little cold now.

Hell's too cold for you now?

Fine. Here, have an Oroweat sweatshirt!

Do you have this not in an XL?

That's all they sent us!

Bri, I am exhausted.

Yeah, I think I'm done. This is too hard.

We gotta find the Devil
and get him to take the job back.

Right. But where would
a frustrated, middle-aged guy

who doesn't wanna be found,
but kinda wants to be found go?

[♪ Baseball music playing]

[grunts]

-[pitching machine fires]
-[grunts]

You're trying to pull everything.

Let the pitch take you where it wants.

-[pitching machine fires]
-[grunts]

-There you go.
-What do you guys want?

We want you to be the Devil again.
The job's too hard for us.

Why would I want to deal with all that

when I could just be
in the cage hittin' freakin' rockets?

-[grunts]
-Look, Hell really needs you.

You know, I never even wanted to do this.

It was my dad's dream.

Yes, but you made it yours.

You're an amazing Devil.

No, I'm not. I used to be.

When I started here, I loved it.

It was small. I was working
with my buddies from Ohio State.

It was all fire and t*rture.

But now, it's just...
it's just exhausting.

It's all administrative stuff.

I came to Hell to start fires,
not put 'em out.

Come on, let's make Hell awful again!

We can get red hats and everything!

Eh, I don't... That's not
a bad idea, actually. I don't know.

Guys, I'm just tired
of being bad all the time.

I wish I could do
something good, even for one day.

What? Come on, man,
you do lots of good stuff!

Yuck, yeah, right, like what?

Like, you're the only thing keeping Earth
from being in complete anarchy.

Me? How?

Well, think about it.

Without you and the idea of Hell,
imagine how people would behave?

The threat of Hell is what makes
a lot of people be good up there.

And even so,
you're still doing a brisk business.

Don't you see?
You're the one keeping it all in check.

Whoa, I guess
I never thought of it like that.

Maybe you guys are right.

So, what do you say?
You want your old job back?

[♪ Jaunty music playing]

[♪ Music distorts]

I'd like to officially announce
that I am back as the Devil.

t*rture is no longer voluntary!

[man] Can we still do it from home?

Nope! All t*rture is back in the office.

-Boo!
-We hate you!

What's up with those flashes of Meg?

[laughs] Oh, thank you. Thank you.

And thank you.

You know, you guys did a good thing.

You saved Hell.

So I'm gonna send you back up to Quahog

and give you another chance
to turn those lives around.

Oh, thank you so much!

Brian, let's get out of here.

[barista] Grande iced
caffè mocha for Stewie?

Oh, great. Now it's ready?

[♪ Jaunty music playing]

Wow, we're getting a second chance.

That's right, and we're gonna be
a lot better this time.

[screams] Help! I can't swim!

All right, we're not gonna make
the same mistake twice.

[ferry announcer] The Block
Island Ferry Halloween

Masquerade Ball is about to depart.

I say we leave him and just be
more careful crossing the street.

[whooshing]

Look both ways.

I think that was the lesson
we were supposed to learn.

[♪ Uplifting music playing]

[♪ Sinister theme music playing]