08x01 - Slap The S*** Outta Her

[bunniefuu]

[glitching]

♪

♪ Do you know me from somewhere ♪

-♪ I'm actually kind of famous ♪
-[line ringing]

[speaker] [on phone]
Kris, hello, I was just about to...

Listen, we have deadlines to meet

and if you can't deliver on those,

I'm gonna have to let you go.

[man] [in French accent]
Zere you go, madame. Voilà.

Okay! That's efficient.

♪ I'm actually kind of famous ♪

Whoo! Lookin' good, babe!

[♪ Traditional Japanese music playing]

Travis actually makes the best match a,

but thank you so much.

[sipping]

How cute is Japan, babe?

[♪ Traditional African music playing]

[elephants trumpeting]

[bellowing]

You're surprisingly calm out here.

Oh, I have crazy survival skills.

-From what exactly?
-My family? Duh.

-[chuckles]
-[Khloé] Honestly,

our family group chats
are way more dangerous than this.

[♪ Upbeat music playing]

[party chatter]

[Kylie] Hi, Kenny!

This is the craziest party
I've ever been to.

Really? This is the most normal thing
I've done all month.

Let's take a picture.

[shutter snapping]

[♪ Europop music playing]

[Kim] There's my lifers.

I have so much to tell you guys.

[phone chimes]

Sorry, guys. I gotta go!

Love you!

♪

[horse neighs]

[birdsong]

Hey, sexies.

Oh, I missed you guys!

I am so excited about this season.

Ugh, it's gonna be so good!

Do you guys wanna hear some crazy gossip?

Hold on, Khloé,
what's going on with your eye?

-[Khloé] What?
-[glitching]

Who cares about my eye.

Look at Kim's ear!

My ear?

[gasps]

Kylie, oh, my God, your tail!

Wait, Kendall, your legs!

Okay, nobody panic. I'm gonna call Corey.

-[whimpers]
-Aaaah!

What is happening right now?

[♪ Ominous music playing]

[gasps]

♪

[all screaming]

[Khloé] What the [bleep]?

What's going on here?

Excuse me, who are you?

Can you leave?

We're kind of busy making our hit show.

You mean our hit show?

Wait a minute, are we A.I.?

Have we been A.I. this whole time?

I think we would know
if we were A.I., Kimberly.

Yeah, Kimberly, I think we would know.

You're a thumb!

Wait, they made A.I. versions
of all of us?

I mean, me, I understand.

I'm sorry, can you speak up?

Blow your nose!

Honestly, sweeties,
we think you guys are great

but A.I. is much easier.

We don't have scheduling conflicts,

no glam is necessary,

and we can cry on cue
without messing up our makeup.

I don't know who you think
you're talking to,

but this real family, real family,

cannot be replaced.

We don't need A.I.
when we have this reality.

Period.

That is just so rude.

Yeah, I think it's time
for these A.I. b*tches to go.

♪ Ooh, baby ♪

♪ Ain't nothin' like
the real thing, baby ♪

Good try, A.I.

And bye-bye.

They never stood a chance.

A.I. could never replace us.

♪ Ain't nothin' like
the real thing, baby ♪

[Kim] This season on The Kardashians...

[♪ upbeat music playing]

[whistling]

I don't give a single [bleep]
what anyone else says.

People are talking so much sh*t
about me from the episode.

[bleep] that b*tch Jennifer Lawrence.

I'll [bleep] slap the sh*t out of her.

You look gorgeous when you breastfeed.

It's kind of iconic.

In the last year,
have you dated anyone privately?

Honestly, no.

God, I've just been up to nothing.

[producer] No new friends?

No.

[doctor] So this is your esophagus.

I have something called esophagitis.

Wait, didn't your father... isn't...
he died?

Yeah. And they're like,

and then in 15 years,
you'll develop, like,

I don't even want to say it
but, like, something horrible.

-[producer] What?
-What about you?

It's a tough world out there for me.

I don't know if I can trust
my own decision-making anymore.

Especially after this
Lamar documentary stuff,

do you think I trust any male
ever in my life again?

-Oh, you have been... bamboozled.
-How [bleep] dare you?

Bamboozled!

I feel like you and I
didn't really get to hang out.

[bleep] hate that b*tch.

[Simon Huck]
They think that Travis has taken you.

Kidnapped me and forced me...

[Simon]
He's shielding you from the family,

which is probably
the biggest misread of the century.

[Kim] She doesn't know how to do both.

Have friends, hang out with sisters,
self-care. Like, it's sad.

The magazine is saying you and Travis

don't live together anymore
and you're splitting up.

She's like, "Any truth?"

I go, "Tell them to print it.
Just see what happens."

Why do you let somebody else
write a book for you?

Because why not?

-Oh, sh*t.
-Five years.

He's going to own all of it.

You've just given our rights to our lives.

That's disgusting,

and it's an insult to my legacy.

My truth is, I worked
really hard raising you guys

and, trust me, there was no trauma.

[bleep] off.

[Simon] I cannot believe
the savagery of this fight

and that you all agreed
to put it on the show.

-You were not traumatized.
-We weren't.

-I was.
-How were you traumatized?

You don't have enough time.

-I'm traumatized to say the least.
-Woo!

-So are we having a baby together or not?
-Wow.

♪ I'm living my life ♪

In this family,
things can change in an instant,

and you really just never know.

[screaming]

[laughter]

There's a [bleep] in my refrigerator.

Talk about it.

[♪ Dramatic music playing]

[♪ Bright music playing]

♪ Hollywood ♪

♪ Hollywood swinging... ♪

We are kicking off the season

with an incredible sh**t for Hulu today.

Anytime we get all together,
it's a rare moment,

but it's really special.

[Khloé] I love days like this
because it's getting harder and harder

to align all of our schedules.

[photographer] Kourtney, we'll get you,

-you'll be here.
-Okay.

We're back, guys, and better than ever.

I think I'm getting lost back here.

I'm back with my six-inch heels
and a corset.

[director]
Alright, let's roll cameras, please.

Action, Khloé.

♪ Here I am ♪

[producer] Ay!

-You look awesome.
-Thank you.

Season eight, isn't it great?

[director] And then do, like,
a little smirk, just a light happy.

-Cute.
-Season eight.

[clacks]

Is that not good?

[Kim] Let's just never stop rolling.

Officially season eight.

That was kind of weak.

[♪ Upbeat jazz music playing]

Which seat is mine?

Do we have assigned seats?

Right there, Kourtney, you look amazing.

Thank you.

[Khloé] These shoots
can be really, really long

and so we figured, "Why not?

Let's play poker on set
while we're waiting to do the next thing."

Are we actually playing?

-[Khloé] Yeah.
-I am.

This is the number five
poker player in the world.

-Wow.
-[Kris] Have a little respect.

[Kylie] I love poker a lot.

I started playing now two years ago,

and I just got the bug.

Wow, guys, I'm going all in.

-Kourtney raised it.
-I raised the stakes

like I always do.

Last season, I'm glad that Khloé
and I got our feelings out,

but I don't think that much has changed.

[producer] Have you gone on a one on one
yet with Kourtney?

How's that going?

Great.

Kourt, I can't.

I kind of want to take the year off.

-That would be really nice.
-I think you should.

-So nice.
-[Kylie] I think you deserve it.

I don't know if you know how, though.

I think that I'm getting
to the place in my life

that I really want to enjoy my life,

and I really want to spend time
doing the things

that I really love to do.

Maybe not work as much as I used to

and just be extremely present
for my children,

for my personal life.

-That would be nice.
-I know.

This is, like, why we work
so hard is to enjoy it,

and I finally want to enjoy it.

-Wow, Kenny.
-I don't... I'm not sure.

Oh, my gosh, the simple life
is, like, the goal.

I'm very blessed to have
a super extraordinary life

and a unique life,
and I have a lot of blessings.

You have so much of your chips.
You have your whole thing left.

'Cause I keep folding.
They're not worth it.

Khloé hasn't had any good hands.

[Khloé] Oh, my God, that's a fact.

I'm single.

I might be ready to mingle, I don't know.

So that's where I'm teetering right now.

But I will say it's different
than last year.

Last year I was like,
"I rebuke you," everything.

I'm still a little, "I will rebuke,"

but I don't know what.

Maybe I'm not finishing the sentence.

So we're getting more open.

Oh, my God, I get everyone's money?

[Kris] Look at what you just got.

I need to have, like, a hot girl summer.

I need to be in Europe...

partying... with my children.

[Kris] That's like $20,000.

That's how we roll.

[producer] How are your daughters
getting along this season?

Uh, well, it's been a week.

[producer laughs]

I'm in for this stack.

-Oh, wow.
-I think she's bluffing.

I think Kourtney is bluffing
to the end of time.

-I know this girl.
-[Kris] I think so, too.

Only time will tell.

Kourtney, you're such a bluffer.

Hey!

-[Khloé] What does she have?
-She has two queens.

-[Kylie] Pair of queens?
-[Khloé] I knew she had a pair,

-a high pair.
-[Maria] Alright.

-Kourtney did win.
-[Khloé] Of course, she did.

Oh, yeah. They call me Honest Abe.

[laughter]

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

-[Kylie] Talk your sh*t.
-[Kim] Yeah.

Talk your sh*t at the table.

I like the confidence, Kourtney.

Life is just really precious.

I appreciate every single moment
and memory

and exciting experience
I get to share with my kids.

Family, it's all about family.

And we can defer to Kourtney
who's been very aggressive

-this entire hand.
-[Kendall] Oh, my God.

You don't win it all, Honest Abe.

No, I honestly don't know
what's happening.

-But...
-Cheers.

I thank God every single day
for my children

and my grandchildren, and I feel

like the most blessed woman on the planet.

Like, it makes me want to cry.

Anyway.

[Maria] So, it's 2,000 is the bet.

Kris, do you want to turn over your hand
so we can see?

Just dumb.

-No!
-You have a full house, Mom!

What, I won?!

What, what's a full house?

Have a little respect, everybody.

-Oh, my God, Mom.
-Sorry, suckers!

-Season eight.
-[board clacks]

-[crew whooping, applauding]
-[crew member] Yes!

Here we go.

♪ I'm shining, doing my thing ♪

♪ Got them up there like,
ooh, look at me ♪

♪ I'm vibing so damn free ♪

♪ Got 'em like, got 'em like
got 'em like, got 'em like... ♪

Oh, my God, the last time
we were together,

you almost threw up in the car.

Oh, my gosh.

-That was insane.
-[alarm beeping]

That... was awful.

Wait, that was nice you got that email.

That was nice of her.

I wonder who prompted it, do we know?

-I think Kim.
-She had reached out?

[Kourtney]
Well, my mom wrote something like,

"Oh, Jennifer Lawrence and Emma Stone,

I talked to them last night.
They're the best," or something.

And I go, "[bleep] that b*tch
Jennifer Lawrence."

♪ What up? I'm outrageous ♪

♪ Let's face it,
I'm penthouse adjacent... ♪

[Robert Pattinson] You're about to take

-a polygraph test.
-Yes.

Is this woman your favorite Kardashian?

Yes.

Kourtney is more annoying than ever.

-Why?
-She just drives me nuts.

Why... Who...

Because everything has
to be an announcement.

It's like, you know, I'm not going
to wear outfits anymore.

Like, just wear whatever you want.

Don't make an announcement about it.
Just... Shh!

So then I said to my mom, "Okay",

"she thinks she's one of my sisters.

I'll [bleep] slap the sh*t out of her."

[laughter]

I was like... I was like, "Invite her over"

-and we can..."
-Duke it out.

"I'll go for it like she's my sister."

If my sister ever talked
about me like that, you know?

And I was just like, "Wait."

"I'm, like, literally
at home breastfeeding."

[Simon] Right. Like, with my child.

[Kourtney] "And doing nothing else."

She asked Kim for my email

and she was like, "I just feel like
I'm one of your sisters."

Like, and when I rewatched it, I was like,

-"Oh, it's not that bad."
-[Simon] It wasn't that bad.

It came from a fan place.

Right, and she's kind of saying it,

but I'm also like,
it was like a really sensitive...

-Week.
-week when she sent it

and I felt like our show
was airing and everybody...

-Was ganging up on you.
-was ganging up on me, yeah.

It also just shows, like,
the power of the storyline.

You know? Like this version
that Khloé and Kim painted,

you think that you're better

and that you don't have time for it
because you're a mom

and, like, that whole energy.

-That was the first four episodes.
-I mean, I do.

-Yeah. Yeah.
-I do.

-I do think I'm better.
-Yeah.

I do think I don't have time for it.

I'm home breastfeeding. Like, I'm...

[Kourtney] I can't drink yet.

-[Kylie] I know.
-[Kendall] Still?

-Because I'm breastfeeding.
-[Kendall] Oh.

Breastfeeding. Breastfeeding. Pumping.

If you ever want to make
a breast milk cake...

Breastfeeding.
Breastfeeding. Breastfeeding.

Editors... Like vibing...

From my large breastfeeding boobs
popping out.

Breastfeeding. Breastfeeding.
Breastfeeding on demand.

Veins. I'm breastfeeding.

Boobs are filled with milk.

And I'm breastfeeding.
Heavier and heavier.

Tingling and itching.

I'm breastfeeding.

She'll use this baby excuse
until the kid's ten.

So now, I actually can't go to jail.

Uh-oh, I think I'm about
to start leaking milk.

Still breastfeeding.

The word of the day is breastfeeding.

You know what I was thinking about,
like, in the past,

I wouldn't feel the need
to explain myself.

-No.
-I would be exactly the same way.

-It's also... Yeah.
-I just wouldn't explain myself.

I wouldn't be like, "This is why
I'm doing this because of this."

And, you know, and so that is annoying.

But if you're already annoyed
with your siblings

and you're going into a family dinner
and they're all glammed up.

It's such a comment we would all say.

-Right. Like...
-But because they got you at that moment

where you were already annoyed
with your siblings

and you're like, "I don't need
to be in heels and a corset."

I don't want to wear heels.

Corsets.
Like Kim and Khloé's outfits right now.

Like, I've moved on from that era.

What a waste of time, energy...

[Khloé] So you're never going
to wear dresses or heels again?

Is that your discovery?

-Is that what you were going to tell me?
-[Kourtney] Yeah.

I think I was a bit shocked
by people's comments

who were just like, "What?"

"You don't want to wear a corset and heels

"hanging out at your mom's house,
holding your baby

while breastfeeding
when you can get mastitis?"

And they didn't show it.

Kim sees me when I first walk in
to the dinner.

-[Simon] What does she say?
-[Kourtney] And she sees me outside

and she's like, "Going gray?"

-[gasps] It... No...
-And I'm like,

-I'm breastfeeding.
-Why didn't you include...

Because it wasn't on camera.

Oh, well, that needed to be...
Okay, that...

She's like, "Going gray?"

I'm like, "I don't dye my hair
'cause I'm breastfeeding."

-Kourtney!
-And I'm just like...

I would've tackled her to the ground.

Yeah. I was like...

"Going gray" is vicious.

And I also just had, like,
the worst fitting which I get...

You know, people that don't
do fittings probably

cannot relate whatsoever.

No, but a fitting or going shopping,
it's the same thing.

Right. Like, when nothing fits
and nothing...

-Yeah, and you're feeling like...
-you don't like anything.

-Yeah.
-And I was like

obviously still, like, losing weight

and, for once, not rushing.

So anyways, she, um...

So she asked Kim for the email?

Yeah, she asked Kim for my email.

-Okay.
-And then she sent me

that email, which is so nice.

-Which was really nice.
-Yes.

I saw it late last night,
so I have not responded.

I mean, do I say something funny, like...

-Yeah, you should say something funny.
-You can...

-come over and I'll beat your [bleep] a*s?
-Yeah.

-It should be something like that.
-[Kourtney] Yeah.

-Say it to my face, like, you know?
-Right.

Like, I'll just say next time
you want to come over,

we can go at it Kourtney-and-Kim style.

No, that's what you need to say
'cause she'll know that fight.

[♪ Playful music playing]

[♪ "That's the One"
by ittibitti & TLN playing]

♪

♪ That's the one ♪

♪ It's a world of possibilities ♪

♪ Look around, got anything you need ♪

♪ What you want, what you wish ♪

♪ At the flip of a switch... ♪

Chris, how do you turn the,
the air down?

Like, it's...

Hey, how do we turn the air down?

It's just a little cool and a bit blowy.

Normally, we love a blowy.

[Kim] We're in New York.

I'm going to do "Jimmy Fallon."

I have our NikeSKIMS store opening.

It's our big launch.

[Chris] Oh, yeah, who are you seeing, Kim?

-No one.
-[Chris] Oh, come on, it's been ages.

Herself in the mirror.

What is this, Khloé part two?

How long has it been?
Just tell me you've had sex, by the way.

-Unfortunately, my dear...
-Nope. December, four years.

Chris Appleton,

he literally gets stunned
every time he hears

that I'm still not sexually active.

And it's crazy.

He talks about this like I have leprosy.

After, like, seven months, I, like...

-[Chris] Four years.
-I-I'll recycle.

Oh, my... I...
my recycle list is such gutter.

-I'll like...
-No one wants me to recycle my list.

They are the bottom of the barrel.

-Really?
-Wow.

Kim, please.

Poor Khloé.

No wonder she has an attitude sometimes.

Like... it's time, babe.

You're really worried about me.

-[Chris] I do worry about you, Khloé.
-And I appreciate that.

[Kris] Well, why don't you sleep
with her then?

-I will.
-[Khloé] My friends,

they're like, "I'll have sex with you."

I'm like, "That's not
what I'm talking about."

[laughing] Like, it's crazy.

That's so nice of Chris
to, like, want to do that.

[laughs]

I can just have sex with people.

I don't want to just do that.

But I feel so afraid

to even consider dating someone right now,

where just, like, I don't want to.

When I first met you guys,
it was, like, such a different me.

I was... It was a darker me.

I was sad... Or I don't know.

I remember how different my energy was

'cause I was going through
so much with Tristan.

-Did you see what I sent you?
-[Khloé] [over phone] No.

Hang on.

When you guys found out
that Tristan was having

a baby with somebody else...

[Khloé] What?

-What the [bleep] is this?
-So he's been lying to you?

[Khloé] What the [bleep]?

It was just something
I wasn't ready to talk about.

Oh, my God, this cannot be happening.

I am having another baby.

I've changed so much in a better way,

and, like, I really am proud of myself

for taking my time and healing.

We can all recycle old boyfriends

and hook up with people
that shouldn't be in our lives.

I haven't done any of that.
Like, I feel good about all those things.

Listen, once you get past a certain point

of not being sexually active,
you do not think about it.

I think the goal for everyone
is to find someone

to grow old with.

But I'm not just going to force that.

Like, even around the holidays
when people get,

like, really emotional,
I was like, "I am... I love it."

Like, trust me, that Elf on the Shelf
kept me very busy.

Like, I am great, I'm thriving.

I've just like... I just feel
really proud of myself

for the way I've been dealing with things,

even with hearing the outside noise.

[Chris] Kris, we need an intervention.

-I actually am now so far gone.
-I know.

That's not good.
You probably have more sex than she does.

-[Kris] Oh, definitely.
-Probably!

[laughter]

-"Oh, definitely."
-It's a, it's a fact.

I'm exhausted.

-[Chris] Oh, yeah, absolutely.
-Yeah.

You would have to be dead

not to have more action than Khloé.

Yeah, of course, I'm happy
getting more action than Khloé.

What do you guys think?

You think I walk around with this smile
on my face for nothing?

[birds chirping]

-[Landon] Are we driving my car there?
-[Kourtney] Yeah.

-Alright.
-There's the birth certificate.

Your birth certificate.

You know your dad didn't
even know the safe code,

and he's, like, sending me the code

and everyone's like,
everyone's saying I'm doing it wrong.

And then I'm like, "I don't think
this is the right code."

Today, I am accompanying Landon
to the DMV.

He is 22 years old

and has never had his driver's license.

And then I'm like, "He told this to me

when we were first together
five years ago."

He literally told me his safe code.

Like, "If you ever need
my safe code, it's this."

I don't know why.

His dad and I have kind of
been encouraging him to get it,

but also he really wants
to get it now himself.

-That's so funny.
-And so, can you believe I remembered it

from five years ago?

-Oh, my God.
-And so I guessed it.

I just was, like, channeling, like,

"What did he tell me five years ago?"

And then I guessed it on my first try.

-That's so insane.
-And then I got in,

got your freaking birth certificate.

Do you feel ready for this?

I do. I didn't study at all.

I know. Liz just told me.

She was like, "Honestly,
he needs to study for this."

And I was like, "Really?"

Kourtney, I heard
you're a pretty scary driver.

[Kourtney] Well, what do you think so far?

-I'm not scared yet.
-Okay.

-Who says?
-As of now.

I-I can't snitch,
but that's what I've heard.

-T-Dog?
-[Landon] I don't know.

Well, the first time
I ever drove with him...

-Yeah?
-he said he was, like, terrified.

Just... I'm like a speedy driver,

but I'm very... badass.

Landon and I are super close.

I've known him
I think since he was 10 years old.

I don't know,
we just get along really well.

We vibe really well.

He's really sweet and sensitive,

like, in the best way, and I just...

Yeah, I think we just get...

He's very vulnerable and open and honest.

I don't know,
we just really get each other.

He's like, earnest.

Mm-hmm.

-[Rocky babbles]
-[gasps]

Hi! I was just talking about Landon.

-Mm.
-Hi.

-[Rocky] That way.
-Go that way?

-That's Mama.
-That's how he is

-when there's too many people lately.
-He wanted to see Mama.

Hi!

-[Rocky] Go that way.
-Okay, we can go that way.

Hi!

-[Rocky] Go that way.
-[Travis] Okay.

-[kiss smacks]
-[Kourtney] Too many people?

Is it pandemonium?

-[Rocky] Yeah.
-Yeah, it's pandemonium.

-[Kourtney] Aw.
-[Travis] Aw.

Well, thanks...
thanks for stopping by, Daddy.

-[Travis] Of course.
-And Rocky.

[Landon]
What are we going to do if I fail?

Uh, well, I will tell you

that I failed my first time,

so don't feel bad if you do, but...

I feel like I'm a pretty good
driver, though, not going to lie.

Yeah, I was not a great driver to begin.

-Really?
-No.

[♪ Energetic music playing]

We are here. Landon is taking his test.

We have a nice photo,
one-take wonder just like me.

We're giving Travis some updates.

-Hi, babe, we're...
-[Travis] Hi.

Landon's inside.
He is taking his written test first,

but that will be
his driver's license photo.

[Travis] Oh, that's a good photo.

When he passes. He did it in one take.

You're not supposed
to get multiple takes, babe.

-[Kourtney] I didn't get...
-It's not like a test.

I didn't do multiple takes,
but Kim did, like, 20 takes.

No way.

And I told him this story
when we were just friends

and I drove you to church
in my Aston Martin

and you were, like, scared.

That's when you thought
I was trying to impress you.

Yeah, I think it was
the ride home going, like, 90

or 100 down Sunset.

That's just how I drive.

I feel like I've chilled out.

I thought it would've been the opposite.

You would've driven slower

so you could have spent more time
with me in the car.

I was like, "This is so uncomfortable.

Get me home."

[Travis laughs]

[both laugh]

-[Kourtney] You passed.
-I did it.

Okay. I told T-Dog.
I was keeping him in the loop.

-Oh, my God.
-[driving instructor] Let's go to the car.

[Kourtney] Alright, let's do it.

-[Landon] Let's do it.
-[Kourtney] This is where I passed mine.

[driving instructor]
Oh, you took yours here?

[Kourtney] Yeah, I failed in Santa Monica,
and then I passed it here.

I love being a part

of these special moments in Landon's life.

Like, I do feel honored to be
a part of them with him.

Dear Lord Jesus, I pray that
Landon passes his driving test.

Travis and I told Landon

that he should really do
some professional lessons.

[driving instructor] Okay.
Show me the left turn signal.

Practice, study.

[driving instructor]
Honk the horn, please.

[horn honks]

[driving instructor] Now show me
the arm signals and what they mean.

And he just was like, "No, I've got this.

I'm going to nail it."

So there's this one that's... this is...

to turn right, right?

-And this to turn left.
-[driving instructor] No.

-[Landon] Something like that.
-[driving instructor] That's incorrect.

Now I need you to show me
where the emergency brake is.

Um, in this car,

I'm not completely sure,
to be honest with you.

-[driving instructor] Okay.
-[Landon] Um...

[driving instructor]
Okay then, where's the light switch?

-Uh, this?
-[driving instructor] No, I'm afraid not.

[Landon] Turned on my high beam.

Um, I'm not...

I, like, really haven't driven
this car much.

Uh, maybe, uh...

-Is it on here?
-[driving instructor] Nope.

Okay. Um...

[Landon] Uh, did I fail already?

[driving instructor]
Yeah, I'm afraid you did.

You can turn off the engine.

-[Landon groans]
-What happened?

-I failed.
-[Kourtney] Stop.

-Yeah.
-You didn't even drive anywhere.

-I know.
-Why?

Because I didn't know where the, uh...

-Where emergency brake was.
-[Landon] Emergency brake was.

I'm like, when do you ever use that?

I just don't ever use these.
Like, I don't ever use these.

It's right here.

-See that P? You pull it.
-Here. Yeah. Yeah.

-Damn.
-I know.

I think we got to study.

Thank you, guys. Thank you so much.

Landon failed immediately.

Like, I'm just, like, bummed.

[Kourtney] Should we go get ice cream?

Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

-Should I drive home?
-[Kourtney] Whatever you want.

He didn't know his hand signals.

He didn't know where
the parking brake was on his car.

[Travis] [over phone] Landon.

[Kourtney] He failed before he even drove.

He didn't even drive an inch.

[laughing] Where are you going?

[Landon] I don't know
how to get out of here.

-Where... We gotta get out of here.
-Okay, go...

go that way.

[Landon] I'm not getting on this freeway.

-[Kourtney] No.
-[Landon chuckles]

Landon is... Landon needs
a driving lesson.

No, I don't! I don't have navigation.

[Travis laughs]

-You're k*lling it.
-[Travis] She's also, uh,

she's also a backseat driver. [laughs]

Well, she's a backseat driver
who's not giving me

navigations right now.

You know, they say, like,
the better-looking, the worse driver,

-the worse the driver?
-[Travis] Yeah, I think

you jinxed yourself
with that really good photo.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

I think that's exactly what happened.

I was like, I mogged the camera,

and I don't think that
they wanted me to pass

because I mogged so hard.

[Travis] Totally.

[producer] What is "Mogging"?

Oh, Landon makes, like, a face.

I think it's like a pose-y face.

I'm pretty sure that's what mogging is,
if I understand it right.

Like Zoolander face.

[♪ Rock music playing]

I think they saw my cheekbones,
and they were like, damn.

-[Travis] Mwah.
-Mwah.

Okay, you've got to get over.

This lady is... does not look
like a great driver.

-Landon!
-No, they're really not.

♪ I'm pushing pedal to metal ♪

♪ Pedal to metal ♪

That was terrifying.

[♪ Upbeat music playing]

[wings flapping]

[horns honking]

We're spicing up Kim's
"get ready with me."

[whispering] We're doing
a "what's in her bag?"

-[bleep] Open it.
-I can't [bleep] open it.

[Khloé] Where's the bag?

I feel like everyone's feeling
a little frisky this trip

because all the conversation
keeps coming back to

is sex, specifically my sex life.

So, of course, I got to put
some naughty things in her bag.

Condoms and lube and vibrators.

Everything Kimberly secretly wants
to have happen in her life.

[box clatters]

Got it?

[whispers indistinctly]

[interviewer] Okay, so we're in New York.

[Kim] Okay.

Hi, Vogue, it's Kim.

We're in New York,

and I wanted to show you guys
what I travel with.

Everyone needs a claw clip.

Isn't this cute?

Um, I'm a big TikTok shopper.

It's like a tiny little camera,

video camera, that really works.

-You [bleep] assholes.
-[Chris laughs]

Okay, sorry.

I gave Khloé...

[laughter]

My bag,

and the hotel has
a whole pleasure section in...

How do you know there's a pleasure section
if you've never been in it?

I walk in the, in the closet.

It's in the closet for the world to see.

-And I asked.
-[Khloé] Kim, it's okay.

[Chris] You're a horny girl.

Just admit that you're horny
and you love these tools.

I have to pay for this stuff.
I'm billing you.

How embarrassing.

I'm not even telling you
what they put in here.

Kim is such a baby and such a prude.

It looks like a little roach.

-It does.
-Right?

Who wants this on their privates?

[gasps] Like every reaction
is like, she just freaks out.

It makes it way more fun
to [bleep] with her.

This is more sexual than what...

My speaker?

This is more your vibe.

[laughter]

-[Kim] That's probably expensive.
-[Khloé] I'll pay for the vibe...

-It's... Kim, we're okay.
-No. I...

I'm very, like, careful
with my hotel things.

[crew member] Expenses?

-Expenses.
-Yeah.

Or should we call and say
charge it to Mom's room.

[laughing] It'd be so good!

Charge the condoms and this to Mom's room.

[Anthony] Good morning, in-room dining,
Anthony speaking.

-How may I assist?
-Hi, Anthony.

Can I call you d*ck for short?

[Anthony] I'm sorry?

-[Anthony] I'm sorry?
-Is your name Anthony or d*ck?

-Anthony.
-Oh, I'm sorry.

Hi, Anthony.

Um, I'm calling...

[chuckling] We're... We're 38 what?

What's our room number?

-[Chris] I don't know.
-[Anthony] 3702?

No, no, I'm sorry.
We're in a different room right now.

But I'm staying in room 3807.

We're going to be charged
for a pack of condoms

and a vibrator and maybe
some intimate pleasuring oil.

-[Anthony] Okay.
-But that charge needs to go to room 3202

because someone was embarrassed

to take it from their own inventory...

-[Anthony] Uh-huh.
-because she's doing pleasuring things

when she's supposed to be celibate.

So she's just lying to herself.

But she wants to be...

We're going to charge her
'cause I don't want to pay for that stuff.

I just don't believe
that's the way it should go.

My mother is 70 years old.

[Anthony] Okay.

So what you're saying is...

So which room is these items taken from?

[coughs] Sorry, I'm choking on my water.

[coughs] So sorry.

Kris Jenner is the one
that took them from 3202.

And you can call to verify.

No wonder the guy at the front desk
was looking at me funny.

Like, I am mortified.

[Khloé] I don't want
to be charged for those.

But you can call and verify...

The picture that my children are painting

about me when I don't know it.

And then people are looking
at me sideways.

Like, I'm... I-I...
You know what, I... Uh, I have no words.

That is just so inappropriate that a woman
of that age would do something.

[Kris] I'm going to get them back.

We just have to think
of something really good.

We're only laughing
'cause we can't believe

she would be smuggling vibrators.

Like, secretly hoarding these things.

That's crazy.

I know. It's, it's nuts.
Does your mom do that?

-[Anthony] I hope not.
-Right?

Her partner's out of town, so she's alone.

So, like, it happens to the best of us.

[Anthony] [chuckles] Alright.

So she's not just like a horny old lady.

-[Anthony] Well...
-Well, yes.

[Anthony] We don't disclose any
of that information to anybody.

-Oh, thank you.
-[Anthony] You're welcome.

Anthony, you're the best.

[Anthony] Thank you for staying with us.

-[Khloé] Thank you.
-[Anthony] It's been a pleasure.

[Kim] Our pleasure.

Our... Our pleasure. Kris's pleasure.

-[Kim] Bye.
-[Anthony] Bye.

Wait, you were mixing up Richard and d*ck.

Tony. I was like, "Is your name d*ck?"

-You're right.
-I was like, Anthony is Ton...

You're right.

Do you think his name's Richard?

[laughing] Anthony and d*ck.

I was like, "What are you saying?"

♪ Can't look away, can't look away ♪

♪ Can't look away
can't look away, uh-huh... ♪

[siren blaring]

[♪ Energetic music playing]

[photographers clamoring]

[Kim]
Tonight is our SKIMS Nike event,

and it is such a well-done event.

Everyone's excited to be here.

So many people flew in just for the event.

[Martha Stewart] There she is.

I'm always in manager mode on any trip.

But this one especially
is a lot of fun to see

how far we've come.

Here we are partnering with one of
the biggest companies in the world.

[♪ Energetic music playing]

[indistinct]

[inaudible]

How did the Nike Skims brand come about?

We dreamed at the highest level
of wanting to partner with Nike,

the number one brand
in the whole wide world.

Their innovation
and their worldwide distribution...

-Sorry, guys.
-um, I just can't wait for everyone

to really see what we're all about.

[Simon] I cannot believe
you have a company with Nike.

-[Kim] I know.
-You look so [bleep].

Did the whole store and all the things.

-[Simon] It's crazy.
-[Kim] Yeah.

[Simon] Is this a pinch-me moment?

-This is a pinch-me moment. This is one.
-Okay.

It's been a long time coming.

We've been working on this product,
shot campaigns,

and made sure everything was perfect.

A lot of hard work went into this.

So to see it all come to life

and be such a huge event
makes me so proud.

♪ Oh, hello ♪

This NikeSKIMS launch felt so big,

but now we have a huge press tour
coming up for All's Fair.

This year, I'm filming a movie.

I'm so excited, this is
my first big comedy movie.

I have this book
that is being written about me.

So many things that I have
to do work-wise,

I just can't control myself.

-I was like, "Oh, wow, that's cool."
-Kim, Look.

Can I take that home?

-[laughter]
-Yeah.

♪ Hello ♪

♪ All gas, no brakes ♪

♪ Run it up when I start and away... ♪

Thank you, Corey.

Would just put this down there

-on the floor.
-Yeah.

♪ Engines humming, fuel running... ♪

You guys, I talked
to my therapist the other day

for the first time in months,

and I almost started crying

'cause she was like, I happened
to catch a part of your show

where you were having
that talk with Khloé.

-[Simon] Yeah.
-And she said,

I was so proud of the way
that you spoke...

-That's so nice.
-and the way

that you expressed your feelings,

and you really just got to the point

and you were direct and honest.

I don't feel like I relate

and I don't feel like
anyone's making an effort

to relate to me either.

Like, if I'm not going with the flow

of what everyone else is doing,
it's somehow, like, not accepted.

-That's so nice.
-And she said [bleep] the haters.

That makes me not give a single [bleep]

-what anyone else says.
-[Simon] Right.

-Right.
-[Kourtney] I care about her opinion

more than any stranger...

-[Liz] Yeah, 'cause she knows.
-[Kourtney] ...on the internet.

Wait, I think I go in here.

Uh-oh.

I think what I realized after the talk

is that what Khloé means

and wants from me.

She wants her version of me
when she wants it.

-Right.
-What she misses

is, like, me being who she wants me to be.

[Simon] Yeah, I mean,
it really involves, like, the fact

that you're now in a full-on relationship.

-Yeah. And I'm just... I don't think...
-And she feels like...

anybody could ever understand

how overwhelming

the last two years has been.

-[Simon] Yeah.
-[Liz] Mm-hmm.

[Kourtney] Not living in my house
and all the things.

If Khloé got
into a serious relationship...

-Mm-hmm.
-I believe

that you guys would go back

-to your old relationship.
-[Kourtney] Mm-hmm.

[Simon] But, like, they're always going
to feel a certain way about Travis.

-Yeah.
-And, like, that...

But I wonder why.

I think they think
that Travis has taken you.

Like, kidnapped me and forced me?

Like, that you're, like, somehow,

you're somehow, like,
an unwilling participant

-in this life and that, like...
-Yeah.

He's shielding you from the family.

-Which is you are doing it.
-It's so...

-Yeah, I'm doing it.
-You are the problem.

Like, if anyone's the problem,
you are the problem.

[Kourtney] Right. It's definitely me...

-Yeah.
-but he is just

a more introverted personality

than what they're used to.

He also, like,
doesn't need them, you know,

where, like, Scott, like, wants
to be the sixth Kardashian sister.

He has long term friends.

-Like, he has his band.
-Right.

He doesn't need to like...

be so enmeshed with them,
cause he has like...

such a world of people around him.

-[Kourtney] Yeah.
-Yeah, that...

It's probably the biggest misread
of the century.

-Right.
-On their part.

Yeah.

-♪ Check it out... ♪
-[Kim] Next on The Kardashians...

Tonight is the premiere for All's Fair.

[producer] You should totally
get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?

Oh. Kermit the Frog has one.
Miss Piggy has one.

Thank you for the star.

[Kim] But I've never qualified

because reality TV
doesn't reach the standards.

So All's Fair does.

Right turn, left turn, stop.

Alright, I'm gonna
get in the car with you.

I would hate for Landon
to fail a second time.

You didn't get it?

-No.
-No!

We should address this.

You know, I think it's because
of our love for each other,

you know, people think I'm a l*sbian.

There's definitely a rumor
that her and I, like, dated.

By the way, I have nothing
against having sex with Cara.

I adore her.

I need to shut up.

True is, like, laser-focused on that

she has a sister in the freezer.

-Oh, no, she hears everything.
-And she's told people.

I own the embryo outright.

Don't even need to tell Tristan
this is happening

because I own them, they're my embryos.

What? Are you...

-What?
-Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Have you lost your mind?

[♪ Upbeat music playing]

♪ Give me lightning ♪

♪ I can't hide it ♪

♪ Mystic, wonder, pull you under ♪

♪ You fear what you don't understand ♪

♪ Door in a door, a distant land ♪

♪ Stumble, tumble through the time ♪

♪ Let me show you the dreams I hide ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ It's a strange world ♪

[♪ energetic music playing]

[producer] Let's pop into
some dating, actually.

I'm excited to ask you this question...

-Dating? Okay.
-about the teacher?

Oh, God.

So there was this teacher,
really cute young man I saw.

And on his Instagram, he highlighted

some of his great characteristics.

And then in the caption, something like,
"I can't wait

for a woman to ask me how my day was."

I thought it was cute.
I thought it was wholesome.

I just wrote in the caption,
"How was your day?"

It was that innocent.

Do I think I'm going to go
and marry this young man?

Absolutely not. I just wrote,
"How was your day?"

This thing took off like wildfire.

I have, like, 15 DMs from him

that have gone unresponsive.

I'm going to show you, "If anything",

"I just want to say thank you
for everything.

"I know it was just a comment.

"Love to hear how your day was.

"Just sh**ting my shot once again.

I would love to meet you
and talk about how your day was."

Calm down, Yacob.

Just be cool.

And his name is Yacob?

Yacob. Please. Get a J.

[crew member laughs]