01x03 - A Sloppy Start

[bunniefuu]

[rhythmic music]

- Welcome to the office.

A lot of graffitis here
at the Public Lass

and people have been
saying a lot of mean things

about Barbara since she
became the new boss lady

so I thought that
I would come down here

and write something nice,
so check it out.

I heart the Pubic Lass

our amazing sponsor.

Oh, don't look at that, no.

This, this is actually...

This is really bad, we're about
to get rid of this because,

this is actually like--

[Ann]: Boris, what're you...
Oh, my God, Boris!

I told you, you can't be
writing defamatory sh*t

about my boss on the wall!

- I did not write this, I wrote
this amazing piece down here,

which is actually
a huge compliment

and also you know
that this is not true.

- Isn't it, a little bit?

- Would a professional g*y hater

be having sex
with me in her car?

- I don't know, maybe.

- I think I know
what we've got to do.

You have to show
the secret footage.

- No, no, no.

- We're going to show it,
because it's going to prove

that this slur,
this is slur, right? Slur?

- Well, it's debatable, but I--

- We're going to prove
that this slur, not true.

Don't you think
we should show it?

- You know what,
I don't know if the footage

is going to prove what
you think it's going to prove,

but it's going
to prove something.

[chuckling]

I'm here for a good time,
so, roll the tape.

- High-five.
- Oh.

- Touched the urinal
with that hand.

[sighs]

[theme music]

[tense music]

- Let's show
our amazing sponsor,

the Public Lass Bar and Grill,

that we are a team worth
paying for!

- Yeah, listen, about that.

You had an announcement for us--

- And now we have
one for you, okay.

- Joanne, bad news.
Crystal sold the bar.

- Yeah, some dumb-a*s
corporation bought it

like three months ago.

- Sold the bar,
what does that mean?

- Here you go, Honey.

- It means we don't have
a sponsor anymore.

[car skidding to a stop]

- So, the league won't let us
play without a sponsor.

Can you imagine trying to find
a new sponsor in this economy?

In 2016

I would've had
corporations fighting

to sponsor my g*y team,

but, uh, I don't know,

my bank is looking pretty
straight this Pride Month.

Anyways, welcome
to the Public Lass.

Let's go get our girl back!

[exhales heavily]

- Joanne, wait.
- How'd you get here?

- I ran. And the rest
of the team is coming too,

but I'm way faster,
because I had to stop you.

- Stop me from what?
Saving this season?

- From getting me fired.

My new boss,
she already hates me,

and if she sees you
looking all crazy,

coming in here with your blazer,

asking her to pay money
for some loser baseball team,

I mean, she's going
to make it my fault.

- Why does she hate you?
- Because she's a prude.

And she thought
it was unprofessional

that I put my number on
a married couple's bill.

What's next, I can't have
sex in the walk-in fridge?

- Look, just let me talk to her,
let me meet her.

- There's no way that that lady

would sponsor a q*eer
beer league team,

she's all like, "God, I love
my husband, I'm conservative."

- Come on, I'm charming.

I really need a win.

[sighs]

- Fine.

Okay, but you are not allowed
to charge me rent

if she fires me, okay?

She's probably
in the kitchen.

Okay, don't look
the line cooks in the eye.

[Barb]: Listen up,
you little fruitcake!

You were too busy
swiping for a Grindr Daddy

to take you to a play party,
or whatever the hell it is

you h*m* do, to make sure
that my Uncle Dino doesn't die

over a plate of Cheesy McLass
Spinach Dip!

You clean that up,
you little twink!

- Hey, Barb.

- sh*t.

Making it official here
at the Public Lass,

I, Barb Barberetti, an ally,

am thrilled to be continuing
the time-honoured tradition

of sponsoring Coach Joanne's

q*eer baseball team,

the g*y and l*sbian
Brovaries!

- Uh, we're actually
a slo-pitch team, so--

- So that's great,
I think we're done here, right?

We're good?
Okay, so, uh, yeah.

If you guys want to head out,
you can feel free

to grab a couple of those
haggis-penos poppers,

take as much as you want,

I gotta move a lot of haggis,
to be honest.

Joanne, can I have a word,
please? Thank you. 'Kay?

We're going to get
a few things straight.

I am running
for city councillor,

and that means that my image
needs to be spotless.

I'll sponsor a little
lady baseball team,

but that means
you are going to

have to live up
to the Barberetti brand.

- We're very brand-friendly.

- No swearing, no drinking,
no uncouth behaviour.

- No drinking?

- Is that going to be a problem?

- Chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug!

- No, not a problem
at all, actually.

The team's not
really big on beer, so.

- Alright, so, my voting base?
Family values.

It's dads who are on
Facebook too much, you know?

That kind of thing.

Also, this sponsorship,
it's conditional.

- Conditional on?

- Your discretion
with the, uh,

little incident
that happened earlier.

You're going to have
to talk to your crew.

- Absolutely. Yeah.
The footage never happened.

Alright.
- Yeah.

- Thank you?
- You just...

I'm a busy woman,
you know what I mean,

I got a lot going on,
don't have time

for little handy-shakey
bye-byes. None of that.

[all]: Joanne!

[Lee]: Did you do it?

[Ann]: Barb agreed?
- Yeah.

- That woman is
a psychopath, Joanne.

- Do you know something
that I don't know?

- Not here, come on.

Come on.

You're in
the circle of trust now.

This? Off the record. Come.

Hiyah.

Welcome to the scene of
the crime.

Allow Boris
to paint you a picture.

Three Wednesdays ago,
I was cutting the grass

at the church that I sometimes
cut the grass for, for money.

And on the lawn,
there is a lady.

She's giving a speech.
- And was the lady Barb?

- Yes, that lady is Barbara,
as she is known to me.

My muscles are rippling

as they often do when I give
the lawn shaver a nice heave-h*.

And then, the next thing I know,
this lady is coming over to me

and she is saying, "Oh, would
you like to go for a drive?"

- No, she didn't.
- Yes, she did.

- Let her finish the story.

- So then, we park
behind the Taco Bell

and we start having sex,

and it is very nice,
like top five sex.

[moaning in pleasure]

[Boris]: So I say to her,
"Maybe next time,

before we have sexual relations
in the back of your car,

we could have
a hot dog together."

Then, boom. She freaks out.

[Boris]: From there,
it got even worse.

I'm running, I'm running,
I'm running for my life.

My underwear is falling off,
and then I go, "Boom!"

Parkour into a hiding spot.

- I'm sorry, Boris,
I don't buy it.

- Well, okay, well then, how do
you explain this, huh?

Campaign pin

that she threw at my a*s.

I still have
the open wound on my butt,

which I will show you now.

- No! No, no, no.
We believe you.

- Thank you. It's very serious.

I'm very sorry, but Joanne,
if she is our sponsor,

then I cannot be playing.

- What?

- I'm sorry,
I'm not going to do it.

It's me or her, Joanne.
You made a huge mistake.

- How about a little gratitude?

I found us a team sponsor!
I saved the team!

And, yeah, we're going
to follow her stupid rules

of no swearing and no drinking.

[together]: No drinking?

- No drinking! Yeah!

[sighs]

Now, if you excuse me,

I have to go bribe a producer
into deleting some footage.

- There goes the summer.

- Boris, you can't just
not play, we need you.

- This is unbelievable.

- Sasha,

are you still an expert
at applying disguise hair?

- Extensions? Yeah.

- And Lee, you're a teenager,

so you're an expert
at hiding secret beer.

- I am.

- Hm. Okay, I have a plan.
Come with me.

We will discuss it
over here. Yes.

I can't believe
that we're getting

all these beers for free.

- They're not free,
we're stealing them.

- What?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we gotta move fast,
because if Barb finds out

she'll k*ll me.

- Yeah, Barb, f*ck.

Sasha says that she's got
the great disguise

she's going to put me in.

Barb's never going to
recognize me during the game.

- Great. And then, what are we
going to do with the beer?

- This, we are going to hide

in a super sneaky hiding spot

that Joanne is never
going to find.

- I found Boris'
secret beer stash.

And I'm hiding it
behind the scoreboard

because they never look there,

because they don't care
about winning games.

But they're going to learn.

Game one, folks.

Okay, we've got a lot of
good things going for us.

I know we're short a player,

but we're going to
figure that out today--

- Joanne!
Where is the secret beer?

She hid the beer,
the beer is gone.

- What?
- No!

- Boris, what the hell are you
wearing?

- My question first.
Beer. Where?

- I hid it, okay?
Today is a sober game.

[all shouting]

- Fine! Then I will find it,
because I did not let Sasha

put all of this itchy public
hair on my face for no beer.

- It's not public hair,

it's just the scruff
from my sister's dog.

- Is that supposed
to be a disguise?

- Yeah! It's amazing.

Today, I am B-FED.

He's a skateboarder mechanic.
And he drinks beer!

- Barb is never
going to buy this.

- Yes, she will.
- She won't! She's very--

- Wow! Okay.

- Hey! Hey, Barb!

- So, is this what it feels
like to own a sports team?

Alright. Good.

Alright, well, let's see,
let's get a look at you.

Okay. So. Alright, yeah.

Okay. Yeah, I like it.

So, these jerseys
look expensive.

Just so you know, you'll be
paying for those, Joanne,

they're not in the...

Well...

I like the cut of your jib,
young man.

- 'Sup.

- Okay. Alright, good.

So, today you are representing

the Barberetti
Food Conglomerate.

So, the speech is,

God bless,

go forth, don't embarrass me.

Play ball.

- You got it.

[chuckling]
- Funny little...

Okay, great, good. Yep.

- We're going to make you proud
out there, alright?

- Proud as pie.

- I'm the owner!
It's all mine!

- Okay.
She bought it!

- Yeah, I told you she would.
Amazing disguise.

- No. No beer! No beer, guys.
Just slo pitch today.

Alright? Let's go.

[Boris]: Fine. Sure.

- Hup to it!

- But she bought it,
you look hot.

[Boris]: Yeah, I know.

- Alright, maggots.
And that means you, too, subs.

- I didn't know you were gonna
go all Full Metal Jacket on us.

- Aye, aye, aye!
Beer's not in my Subaru.

Focus, Boris.

Everybody, on the bench!

[Zari]: We'd probably be in a
better mood with a case of beer.

- Oh, no.
- Hey, Ann!

Your team still as
sh*t as you are in bed?

[Ann]: Mississauga Red Jox.
Serious team rivals.

Five-time league champions,
featuring three of my exes.

- I hear they're even worse

than the smell of her
basement apartment.

- Hey, that's my basement.

- Hey Ann. I sent you a song
I wrote for you,

it's called Half a Tank
and a Hole

Where Ann Used To Be.

It's country,
your favourite.

[gagging]

- We should've brought
more disguises.

- Yeah.

[ball whooshing]

- Beauty. Beauty, gone.

- Jesus Christ,
is that their pitcher?

- You know this is
slo pitch, right?

Emphasis on the word slow.

- Why, are you scared
because we've got

the best female
pitcher in the world?

Ayami Sato. Ever heard of her?

- You can't pitch overhand!
- Yeah, yeah, we know.

Just showing you the big g*ns.

Now, quit stalling,
let's start the game.

[whimsical music]

- There we go.

[Barb]: Try to hit it.

[grunting]

- Second!
- B-FED, you're up!

Where the hell is B-FED?

- Excuse me!
Have you seen any beer?

- Bend your knees, Ann.

- Can't hit without
a buzz, Joanne.

- It's okay. Chin up,
chin up. You got this.

- It's not that difficult,
you have a whole bat!

- Alright, Lee, you're up.
- Joanne, I need beer.

- Beer? You're barely 19,

you don't even need
exercise, come on.

No beer.
Where the hell is everybody?

- We are closing in.

It's in here. I can smell it.

[Zari]: Where the hell
is the beer?

- You guys got some beer?

[grunting]

- Excuse me, have you
seen the blue barrel?

About this big,
it's got beer and it

says "Boris's
secret stash?" f*ck!

- I don't like
losing, Joanne!

f*ck off.

God, where is everyone?

Timeout! Can you call timeout?
I don't know.

- Who's the lady?

[Joanne]: She's new.
Just keep playing.

Sasha, you're up.

[Barb]: I own this f*cking team,
I can say what I want.

- Hey. Hey, yeah,
I know we're losing,

we just need one more inning
and we'll turn it around.

- Yeah, sure, whatever.
Listen, I've been thinking,

the name, the Brovaries,
it's bad.

I'm thinking,
the Barberettis.

- The Barberettis?

- Yeah. Want to honour
my Nonna, you know?

Legacy, family...
Oh, my God!

[yelling in German]

- Beer!

[all cheering]

[epic music]

Beer!

- Is that beer?

- When they set
their minds to something,

there is no stopping them.

- Okay, you need to go
deal with that right now.

- Barb, this team, my team,

we drink beer.

A lot of beer.

And if you have
a problem with that--

- Oh, I do! Consider your little
sponsorship revoked!

Re-voked!

God, I can't believe
I agreed to this team.

I'm never going to hear
the end of this from father!

Get out of my way!

[gasping, swallowing]

- It's so warm.
- It doesn't matter.

- This is my one day
a week I get to let loose.

I can only be PhD Zari
for so long. Do not judge me!

[Ann]: Uh-uh. No one's judging.

Oh, sh*t. Guys.

[panting]

Sorry, Joanne.

- No, I'm sorry.

What the hell was I thinking,
asking you guys not to drink?

Not to be exactly
who you are?

Screw Barb.

We're going to figure
this out our way.

- Take those championships!

[all cheer]

- Okay, are you guys
forfeiting, or what?

- No!
- No!

- We're going to kick your a--

[rhythmic music]

[Red Jox player]: Alright,
come on, Red Jox,

tight D now, tight D, tight D.

[cheering]

- Alright, m*therf*cker.

[cheering]

- Go one, go one.

- Hey, Parker. You suck.

Your mom sucks,
you suck at f*cking,

you suck at slo pitch,
did I say your mom sucks?

Oh, are you going to cry?
You suck at crying.

- I got it, I got it, I got it.

[cheering]

Coming home, coming home,
coming home.

Yeah!

[cheering]

[all laughing and cheering]

- You guys know you lost, right?

- Yeah, whatever.

- Joanne!

- I thought you left?

- Yeah, well, I came back to
tell you something.

You know that if you
cross a Barberetti...

Is that... Boris?

- Hello.

[gasping]

- I tried to find you, I looked,

and I looked,
but I didn't know how!

- What? No, you chased me
away with your car!

- Yes, well, but...

Yes.

[clearing throat]

You know what, I, I will,

uh, sponsor the team.

I don't believe in second
chances for criminals,

not one bit,
but I do believe in them

for the less fortunate.

Yeah, like you are.
The less fortunate, so.

- Okay. But we drink beer,
and we're not changing out name.

- Yeah, sure. LGBTQ, I don't...
They vote. You know?

It's great, whatever.

- And you are
not LGBT, g*y?

- g*y?
[laughing incredulously] Me?

[laughing incredulously]
I don't think so!

Not that, not that there's
anything wrong with that.

I'm basically
the world's biggest ally

for that whole group.

Which are different.

Probably the biggest
ally in the nation,

including the U.S. and Mexico.

Good.

So. Joanne,
my office on Monday,

we're going to talk strategy.

[Joanne]: See you there.

- So, good. And you guys, be
yourselves, but not too much,

because it's annoying if you
overdo it. Okay. Good.

[Joanne]: See you Monday.

- f*ck, I don't know, man.

I don't know if she wants
to f*ck me or k*ll me.

[laughing]

- And she wants to
sponsor the Brovaries!

[cheering]
- Yes, we got a sponsor!

- Who wants to be B-FED?

[laughing]
- Try it on!

[whimsical music]

[all cheering]

[Joanne]: She's not going to run
you down with a car anymore.

- I know, honestly, you guys,
I think that she like,

might be in love with me.

And so now it's my sworn duty

to help her out of the wardrobe.

Closet.

[phone dinging, gasping]
- What?

- Ah! Ah, nothing.
- Did she text you?

- No, not the ex.

- Joanne, I told you
to block her weeks ago.

- Oh, my God, read it out loud
so we can all judge it, come on.

- Okay. "Hey, I don't
want this to be weird,

but I joined the Tech-a*s
Rangers. Hope that's okay.

See you on the field.
Waterslide emoji."

- What, no!
Waterslide emoji is psychotic.

- Like, hold on.

So, she just broke up with you

and then goes and joins
another team in the league?

- And we play
that team next game.

- Don't worry, Joanne,
we're going to win that game,

just like we did today.
- Zari, we lost today!

- Oh, yeah. Well, we're
going to win the next one!

- Yeah. And the next one.
- Yeah.

We are going to win
you this whole break-up.

- Thank you, guys!

Thank you.

- To winning the break-up!

[together]:
To winning the break-up!

- Aye!

[door chiming]

- Hey! I'm here with
a little surprise for Barbara,

I heard she was working late.

I don't want her to
feel, you know, bad

about the whole
Grindr Daddies incident.

I don't want her to
think that, like,

we're trying to blackmail her
into sponsoring our team

or something, so.
I brought her this.

[indistinct chattering]

Is that Boris?

Do you hear that?

[Boris]: Awesome! And, okay, so.

Number one, top of Boris' big
Boris list.

Cameron Diaz...

- Uh, Barb?

- Get out of here!
We're closed!

We're closed. Get out.

- For you. Okay. Bye.

- Delete that footage.
Delete it or I swear--

[Boris]:
♪ If you are a good person ♪

♪ Then you are doing
justice ♪

Oh, good, it's you.
Come on in.

Julian Assange-ing.
Whistleblowing. You know?

- No.
- Yes!

- No, no, no, no.

- No, Annie,
I have to do it!

- Oh, my God,
what did I tell you?

You can't write sh*t like
this on the wall.

- I know, but
I had to, because--

- If! You're not going
to leave a review.

- Oh, you're funny.
- Mm-hmm.

- Well...

[marker squeaking]

Five stars.

[inhaling sharply]

- The truth will set you free.

[♪ Lager and Ale ♪
by Kim Mitchell]

♪ 'Cause I'm ready
willing and able ♪

♪ Yes, I'm ready
willing and able ♪

♪ Over to the jukebox
I staggered ♪

♪ For a love song to scatter
my body before her ♪