01x01 - Never Have I Ever

[bunniefuu]

Good night.

Paul.

And who's this?

Who's this?

Yes, who's this?

Quiet!

Quick.

Slap me.

-What?
-Slap me.

No.

Dear guests, we are gathered here today

to celebrate the love
of two people meant for each other…

I just wanted to try something new.

Paul is just Paul.

You have to give him a little more time
to prepare for something like that.

Yeah, sure.

Last week, I asked him if we could
maybe do it on the patio sometimes,

and he just said,
"There are too many mosquitoes in summer."

Then just ask him again in the fall.

Anna.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, perhaps a little too hot
for a romantic wedding by the lake.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

This is actually a private dock and…

-Samu?
-Anna.

You know each other?

Yeah. We haven't seen each other
since High school.

What are you doing here?
I thought you were a DJ touring the world.

We're only here for a few weeks.

Hi, I'm Siena.

Hi.

-Anna.
-Anna.

-Bella.
-Nice to meet you, Bella.

You're still here.

And the others?

Yeah, we're all still here.

Julie and Valentin got together.

No!

They have a house
on the other side of the lake.

And Paul and I live nearby
with our daughter.

Paul?

Are you here for the wedding?

No. I'm the wedding.

I mean, the planner.

Bella and I are the wedding planners.

And I hate to be a party pooper,
but the ceremony is almost over,

-and the reception's just over there.
-Okay. We'll take off.

Anna, it was nice to see you.

Really cool.
Maybe we'll see each other again soon.

-Yeah.
-Yes, that would be nice.

Okay.

My God, that guy is so hot.

He would have slapped you for sure.

-You said no?
-Yes, of course I said no.

Why? I love getting spanked.
Face, a*s, d*ck.

You get your d*ck spanked? That must hurt.

For me, pain and pleasure go together
like salt and caramel.

Oh, no!

Paul, concentrate.

But since when did sex get so extreme?

It's called sexual liberation.
What century are you living in, Paul?

So I'm old-fashioned
because I won't slap my wife?

Man!

-Seriously? You ran into Samu?
-Yeah.

I thought he was in LA,
producing for Ariana Grande.

No, he was having fun on a dock with
pretty much the hottest woman I've seen.

They were just making out.

If that was making out,
I'm still a virgin.

Can the ladies back there
keep it down a bit?

Sorry, Lisa. We will.

And what's he like now?

Well, pretty much the same.

But a little older.

He's super hot.

-Anna totally had a crush on him.
-No, I didn't.

When she found out
he was into Lindsay Lohan,

she dyed her hair orange and drew freckles
on her nose with an eyeliner.

-The freckles were real.
-So why did they come off in the shower?

Julie, we were just friends.

Anyway, he left school one day
without any explanation.

Hot and mysterious.

And back up again. One last time.

I don't think we'll see him again soon.

-I'm sure that's him.
-Yeah, sure.

-Oh.
-Told you so.

What is he saying?

He invited us over for dinner tomorrow.

Who's that again?

Samu.

Samu.

The guy from school, right?

Were you even listening?

Sorry, can you go back
to the part with the towboat…

Rowboat, Paul.

I thought that sounded strange.

-Dad, the troll!
-Yeah, I'm on it.

Should I confirm?

-Leo and Valentin are going too.
-Going where?

Now watch out. Roll. Look out.

-And?
-Stab it!

From behind, look out.

-Just a minute, I'll be right back.
-Okay.

-Hey.
-Hey.

I'm sorry.

We were on an extremely important mission.

It's okay.
I'm glad you two have your thing.

So, should we go?

Oh, no. To Samu's?

I know you never really liked him,
but we're adults now.

Dad, game on!

Yeah, fine. If you really want to go,
then we'll go.

-Really?
-Sure.

All right.

Dad!

Oh, my God, Dad!

Sorry, I swore a sacred knight's oath.

-Okay.
-Yeah? Good.

-Come on!
-I'm coming.

Yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm coming.

Côte d'Azur?

Does that mean
the construction work is over?

Yes of course,
and it really looks formidable.

Come and visit us.
We have so much space now.

We'd love to, Mom,
but Julie is preparing for her exhibition.

And I'm taking over
the Mondrian Street site.

Mondrian Street will survive.

But you'll have to come visit us
after Julie's exhibition.

Do you know what
the Mediterranean air is good for?

What?

Fertility.

Are you planning
to give Valentin a sibling?

-The look on her face.
-I couldn't resist.

If you weren't by my side,

I'd have had to produce
lots of grandchildren by now.

Would that be so bad?

Our life is perfect just the way it is.

Yeah.

But what if children were just
the perfect cherry on the perfect cake?

Speaking of children,

maybe tonight we'll finally find out
if Samu really got Mrs. John pregnant.

Oh God, the math teacher.

Karla, Che.

Enough already.

The babysitter will be here soon.

You can have ten minutes of screen time
if you stay quiet.

I thought we weren't bribing
the kids anymore?

Yeah, that…

-Ten minutes.
-Hello?

-Hello.
-The door was open.

-Very good.
-I'm glad you're here.

I'm afraid we have to go right now.

-Won't you introduce me to the kids?
-You'll do great.

They're both nice. Have fun.

-See you in six hours.
-Bye!

Hello?

Hello?

Whatever.

Stop! Wait!

Stop!

-Drive! Drive!
-Yeah! I'm driving! Come on.

Stop!

Oh, God!

How long do we have to stay?

If you don't like it,
give me a sign, and we'll leave.

Sure.

-It's great to see you.
-Sign.

What a waste of living space.

Ten families could live here.

This is just what's ruining our society.

-Make sure you say that first.
-Absolutely do not say that.

But then they'd have to have Samu
as a neighbor, right?

Paul.

Hey, hey!

Hey, handsome man!

Right?

And his beautiful wife.

-Samu, so nice to see you.
-It's great to have you here.

-Bella, right?
-Yes.

Hi.

-Who's the lucky guy?
-Hi. Leo.

Leo, come here. Hi!

Nice pad. Nice and big.

If it were any smaller,
the neighbors' egos wouldn't fit.

Dear friends, this is Siena.

-Hey.
-Julie. Nice to meet you.

-Welcome.
-Lovely to see you again.

-Thanks for the invitation.
-Thanks for coming.

You remember Paul?

Paul, of course.
Who could forget that face?

Hi.

Please, come in.

This apartment is awesome.

Really cool.

The rent here must look
like a phone number.

We aren't renting it.
It belongs to a friend.

And this music, is it yours?

I'm not that conceited.

But he's been in the kitchen
the whole afternoon.

-Really?
-Sure.

Dinner's ready.

Perfect, I'm starving.

-Should I take the glasses?
-Sure.

And that worked?

You bet.

We got to hang out in the computer room
for the rest of the day.

-Right! Commando X!
-Commando X!

What's Commando X?

A built-in computer game

used to indoctrinate kids
into the military-industrial complex.

What?

Ignore Mr. Guevara here.

It was a pre-installed
computer puzzle game.

Okay. I've heard enough
about the good old days.

-"Good old days."
-Me too.

-Let's play a game.
-Yes, please.

Okay, what do you have in mind?

Okay…

spent a night in jail.

-Leo!
-Yeah!

He sprayed "Free Knut!" on the Berlin Zoo.

Someone had to save
that poor polar bear, right?

How sweet!

Samu?

Bangkok.

Bangkok?

-That sounds exciting.
-What?

No, I'd rather not.

Anna?

Your turn.

Okay, I've never…

I've no idea where to start.

I have never…

…been to a sex party.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-That was so wild.
-Yeah.

What?

When have you guys been to a sex party?

Yeah, well…

Maybe it wasn't really a proper sex party.

The tantra retreat last summer
got kind of out of hand.

-No, what?
-Julie!

What will you tell us next?
That you also took some crazy drugs?

Okay, my turn.

I have never fantasized about having sex

with anyone in this room
who isn't my partner.

-Uh, yeah.
-Nice!

Now we're getting spicy.

Okay, if that's the case…

Siena, no.

They're not into that.

-What? Yes, we are.
-Yeah, we are.

-Well, I wouldn't be so sure.
-Yes, yes.

Okay. Yes, sure.

Okay, men. Take out your keys.

And now the women will take turns
and pick out a key.

And then?

Then you spend the night
with the man the key belongs to.

Did she really think
we were going to rip our clothes off,

and bang each other like in ancient Rome?

What's up?

We didn't drink once
during that whole game.

Is that so bad?

Do you really want to do drugs,
go to sex clubs, and get arrested?

I don't know.

I haven't tried any of that yet.

I told you they're not like that.

You're underestimating your friends.

You really think so?

If I haven't slept with at least
one of them by next week, then…

Then what?

Then I'll pay for the flights
to Coachella in the spring.

I'll hold you to that.

Imagine if we had actually
played that game.

Really?

You could really see yourself
sleeping with Leo or Valentin?

I don't know.

Imagine if you'd gotten Bella.

Oh, God.

Bella would eat me alive.

-She really would.
-Yeah.

-Oh, man.
-What is it?

Are we boring?

No, that's nonsense.

How about we play a nice game?
Just the two of us.

f*ck, what a night.

Now I know what the Tour de France
would do to my vulva.

We did it all night long.

I get horny just thinking about that game,
don't you?

Kind of, but…

Don't you find it a little absurd
to sleep with each other's men?

Still better than getting
random d*ck in a darkroom.

Good morning.

It's 9:21 a.m. Isn't it a little early
for random d*ck?

It's never too early for random d*ck.

I can't imagine sleeping with someone
with whom I don't have a connection.

Yeah.

Honey, you and Valentin have a connection
and still don't sleep with each other.

Valentin is just less… conventional.

When's the last time you two had sex?

We…

For us, it's more about closeness.

And intimacy doesn't just come from sex.
That's so outdated.

As you say.

Do you think Siena was being serious?

Let's ask her.

-She's at that new brunch bar.
-What?

What century are you all living in?

Thanks.

Trust me, it's a great show. Really great…

-There.
-…to meet you.

Yeah, great.

Isn't that…

Ski Aggu.

You think he's in on the game?

No, Siena's promoting him.

You're stalking her, aren't you?

Hi.

Hi.

Can I pass?

Yeah.

Bye.

Siena.

Hey.

-Bella.
-What a surprise.

Indeed.

Let me guess.

You three are into the game,
but you're worried your men aren't.

Leo's been hard
ever since you mentioned the game,

and my panties won't stay dry.

Bella!

What?

Do you and Samu play this game for real?

Yes.

Doesn't that get complicated?

I mean, don't you get jealous

or worry that he might prefer
to do some things with someone else?

When your partner
discovers something fun and new,

he just brings it home, and then
you find out whether you like it, too.

That does sound kind of nice.

If you really want something,
you have to go get it.

My point exactly.

So if you're serious about it,
text me and I'll take care of the rest.

Ciao.

-Ciao.
-Ciao.

I think your friends
will come around soon.

Wouldn't want you to end up disappointed.

I don't think I will.

Hey, you don't know them.

Come on.

Valentin and Julie are married.

And Valentin comes from the most
conservative family you can imagine.

And Paul is a nerd. And…

And Anna is just a good girl.

You think you've got everyone figured out.

Everyone has their secrets.

Yes, the shake arrived today.
It tastes terrible.

As for the content for the storyboard,
we have until… Wednesday.

Exactly. And we can go over
the design again.

Good. Thank you. We'll do that.

Yes. Ciao, have a nice day.

Paul?

I've been thinking.

I think we should play that game.

I know you want to play with us,
but you keep hitting the wrong buttons…

No, not the video game.

The game with the keys.

But why?

We had great sex last night.

Because of the game.

Just thinking about it.

Don't you ever wonder what it would
be like to sleep with someone else?

No.

Maybe.

Sometimes.

Yes.

Yes.

Once, when I was totally furious with you.

But, Anna, that's in theory.

Things are often better in theory
than in practice.

Like communism, for example.
Or this shake.

Stuffed-crust pizza, jetpacks--

But you do think it's a good idea.

In theory.

No!

You said no again?

-Yes, of course I said no.
-Paul, dude!

What?

First, she wants me to slap her.

Then, she wants to sleep
with one of you guys or Samu,

and for me to sleep
with one of your wives?

But that would be hot!

You think getting
your d*ck spanked is hot.

To each his own, okay?

Yeah, sorry.

It's okay. I get that you're scared.

Why don't you say something?

Sounds like Anna is looking for variety.

Maybe you should let her have it.

-What kind of variety?
-Figure it out, or she'll replace you.

Everything is so perfect.

Don't you get the feeling sometimes
that something's missing?

What do you mean?

More excitement?

What?

-More variety?
-That too.

What do you say if we…

We…

…play that game with the keys?

Maybe.

Maybe?

NEW MESSAGE IN GROUP CHAT

{\an8}JULIE
About that game… Valentin and I are in.

{\an8}Leo?

-Leo?
-What?

If you can find a babysitter.

-Why me?
-You wanted your kids to be free spirits.

So you have to find someone
who can handle them.

What if I can't find anyone?

Then…

I guess I'll have to call someone
who can teach them some discipline.

Is that a joke?

Bell… Bella…

BELLA
It will be so hot!

JULIE
I am so excited!

BELLA
…

{\an8}BELLA
Anna, ask Paul again.

Good night.

Hey, what are you doing?

Anna, I'm sorry. I wanted to…

-What?
-No. No idea.

Paul.

Okay.

-What?
-The game.

-Are you being serious?
-Yes. No. Yes. No.

I don't know, Anna.
They've been our friends since forever.

Don't you think there'll be consequences
if we all start screwing each other?

-What if you fall in love?
-Nonsense.

Or if someone falls in love with you
and wants to fight me to the death?

I can't fight to the death,
I can't even cut in line…

-Paul!
-What?

Take a deep breath.

I believe that if we decide to do it,
we could really have fun.

Just promise me that it won't
change anything, okay?

Okay.

Come here.

There are four simple rules.

Only safe sex is good sex.

Only yes means yes.

No sex outside the game.

And…

no falling in love.

Your keys, if you please.