11x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

[J.D.] Usually the hospital
follows you everywhere,

but I had a day off,
the sun was out,

and Charlie and I
weren't gonna pass this up.

I am so excited
I get you for the whole day.

Me too.
All I need is the surf,
the sun and you.

Really? 'Cause
it doesn't seem that way.

Charlie, Dorians have been
beaching this way since
the dawn of sand.

I promise you, these are
just the bare essentials.

Now help me lift this hibachi
out of my trunk.

The most expert doctors

know how to seamlessly
weave our work
into our relationships.

I'm so sorry that
you have to wait for me.

Who knew a kid could swallow
all 50 state quarters?

Yeah, look, from my first time
riding the Elliot train,

I know what
the life of a doctor is like.

Okay, well, I promise
he will not be much longer.

He's already pooped out

-half the Louisiana Purchase.
-Oh, that's good.

-[phone chimes]
-Oh! That's Colorado.
We're heading west.

Hey.

[J.D.]
But the rookies let their home
and work life get all mixed up.

Uh-uh. Amara, you know we
do not have room in the fridge
at home for all that.

We do. You threw out
my yogurts.

-They were expired.
-Yogurt can't expire.

They already went bad.
That's what makes it yogurt.

I know a doctor
did not just say that to me.

Oh, my goodness,
you guys are squabbling.
It must stop.

This morning,
Carla left and took the kids.

Damn, I'm so sorry. I kind of
saw it coming, though.

On a trip, Dashana.

It was a birthday gift
so I can have a night
to do what I want.

By the way, J.D. and I,
we used to steal fruit cups
all the time.

Here's a word of advice:

If you leave them
in your trunk,
the raccoons will come.

They will come.

I hope my dad still wants
to celebrate at your age.

Mmm! Run.

[J.D.] As for me, I was ready
for a carefree day...

-[pager beeps, buzzes]
-...as long as this page
wasn't serious.

No, please tell me
you don't have to go.

Don't you worry.
Nothing is ruining Beach Day.

You thought I was better.

-[groans]
-I got a UTI from my catheter.

That's not my problem, bro.
I need a day off.

Let me out. Let me out.

Listen, you dirty old b*stard,

I promised my girlfriend
a day at the beach.

So you're gonna stay in here
with your inflamed urethra

until we're all beached out,
you got me?

Let it happen.

I'm sorry. I got to go in.

I'm just gonna
go ahead and say it.
People are living too long.

Hey, do you think if I get
really sick, then you'd spend
the whole day with me?

Because if so,
I will open a biohazard bin
with my mouth.

-[laughs]
-Wow, this feels familiar.

Oh. Good, Sean.

You're reaching that phase in
your relationship where
you're realizing

that you're in a nonconsensual
three-way with a cold
and needy mistress--

the hospital.

That was a long way
to go around the block
for that, Sean,

and we're not in any phase.

I will take care of this
as quickly as possible,

and we will get back
to our day.

Well, you'd better.
Otherwise you won't
be seeing me or this.

-Shouldn't you
go help that guy?
-Getting to it, Chong.

♪ I can't do this
All on my own ♪

♪ No, I know I'm no Superman ♪

♪ I'm no Superman ♪

[J.D.] Tonight was
a big night for everyone.

It was Turk's birthday dinner,

and young Asher
was doing his first-ever
solo night shift.

Asher, I was going to write you
an inspirational speech,

but I ran out of time.

So instead,
I think I'll just tell you
what my mentor told me

on my very first night float.

[whistles]

[as Dr. Cox] Listen, Janine,
this is a lot of weight to put

on your oh-so-feminine
shoulders,

so just try not to k*ll anyone.

But when you inevitably do,

why don't you go ahead
and just lie down
there next to him

so I can get rid
of you both, m'kay?

[normal voice] I'm sorry,
I remember the subtext
of that being, "You got this,"

but I was wrong.

Anyway, you got this.

Thank you.

You do got this, babe.

If a patient
starts bleeding out,
just say, "Not on my watch."

I don't know.
If someone's bleeding out,

I probably shouldn't stop
for a catchphrase.

-Say it.
-Not on my watch.

Hot.

All right, Mr. Witzel's surgery
went really well.

Amara, you're running point
on recovery.

Got it. Can you imagine
the kind of garbage
he had to eat

for his arteries to get
that clogged?

Mmm. Probably
a whole lot of red meat.

I'm guessing dry-aged rib eye

with a side of
creamy horseradish, vegetables
with the surprise bacon inside,

juicy-a*s lobster drenched
with warm butter
dripping down my chin.

Okay, you have
that look in your eyes
that my grandpa gets

when he watches
the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.

That's because
I'm a married man, Dashana.

That's the only thing
I'm allowed to lust after:
food.

Look, guys, tonight
is really important
to me, all right?

I've been planning this thing
for months,

so do not page me
unless someone's dead, got it?

They gotta be dead.
What do they gotta be?

-Dead.
-Dead.

"Meatses" from my head
to my "feetses."

Turk, if you're letting
J.D. bring Charlie tonight,
I should get to bring Sean.

J.D.'s not bringing Charlie.

I have to bring Charlie, Turk.

We have clearly reached
the phase where...

Where she's realizing that
it's hard to date a doctor.
Yeah, Sean thinks so too.

Oh, does he?
But, yes, that is
what's happening.

Turk, tonight is
my only night off for weeks.

I have to bring Charlie
or she'll k*ll me.

It's my birthday.

I want to spend it
with my best friends
and a whole lot of meats.

Okay, I didn't wanna have
to do this,

but please, please, please,
let me bring Charlie.

I cannot be single again.

I need a place to park
all my love, Turk.
Let me park it in her, Turk.

Let me park it in her.

[Elliot] This is so typical.

You always give him
whatever he wants.
He's your favorite.

There are downsides.
He's harder on me.

Guys, you keep this up,
we're not getting a puppy.

Look, just do whatever
you want. Stop yelling at me.

Okay, are you sure
you're gonna be okay tonight?

I was gonna make you
a care package,

but here's a Korean energy bar
I found in my locker.

It's shrimp and chocolate.



Thank you.

I will eat it, and with
every irregular heartbeat,
I'll think of you.

It's okay. I got this.

That's what they all say.

But have you heard the story
of Black Cloud Bailey?

She had code after code.

-One patient even exploded.
-[faint expl*si*n]

But what finally drove her
to run out of here
barefoot and crazy

-was the call from
the room down the hall.
-[intercom chimes]

That room that
hasn't had a patient in it
for over 43 years,

yet someone
hits the call button
from that room every night.

And tonight, you will be
the one to answer it.

-[intercom chimes]
-Still feel ready?

Yes, I'm from England.
The whole place is haunted.

Growing up, my best friend
was the ghost of the boy

who died in my bedroom


Ghost stuff doesn't scare me.

Oh, yeah? Well, this will.

Here are
your five night-call pagers.

[pagers buzzing]

[cackling]

Oh! Hey, girl.

[J.D.]
Tonight was a special night,

and I needed
to show the guests of honor
how much they meant to me.

Yeah! Sorry.

[all laughing]

To old friends,
to new friends, Sean...

Ah, no matter how busy I get,
I will always make time

for Charlie.

And to Turk.
Thank you for having us,
and happy birthday.

-Happy birthday.
-I was getting there, Sean.

There's a natural ebb and flow
to these things, okay?

I was trying to ebb a little,
and you just flowed
all over it.

Ooh! They have
a tableside Caesar salad.

Nope, Elliot, not tonight.
We're not ordering from
the menu like commoners.

We're waiting
on the meat board.

And don't disrespect that steak
by getting it medium.

I'm getting mine bloody.

Like that guy's eye?

Wow, that is quite
the subconjunctival hemorrhage.

I bet you the first round
it's ocular herpes.

[Elliot]
You have yourself a deal.

Guys, no medical talk, okay?

I'm trying to show
Charlie I can spend
one night free of the hospital.

You don't get to dictate
what people talk about,
Kim Jong Dorian.

Come on, guys. If we're
just gonna keep fighting,
then what was the divorce for?

-Shut up, Sean.
-Shut up, Sean.

No, don't shut up, Sean.
You're absolutely right.

Guys, let's have
a little bit of fun.

When we were interns,
we used to sit across
the street at the bar

and dream about
eating at a place like this.

I actually came
here all the time
when I was an intern.

-What?
-If you wear a short skirt

and slowly lick
your martini olives

while making eye contact
with an old guy wearing
a pinky ring,

he will definitely buy
you dinner.

Oh! The trick is figuring out
how much you can eat

before yelling, "I'm not
a prost*tute!" and then
running out of the restaurant.

Oh, my God.
I did the same thing
at Dave & Buster's.

-[Elliot] Mmm!
-Oh, man, I wish
I would've done it

-somewhere nice like this.
-Mmm. Those are
some good tannins.

Actually, J.D.,
tannins in champagne,
almost undetectable.

So, when do
I actually get to invite Blake
into our apartment?

Anytime you want,

as long as
I'm not eating, sleeping,
studying, working out

or anytime during
my pre- or post-workout
stretches.

-So, never?
-Works for me.

-Okay--
-[pager beeps, buzzes]

I got to go.
Something's wrong
with Mr. Witzel.

What's wrong, Mr. Witzel?
Are you having shortness
of breath?

-No.
-Chest pains?

No, it's
my disgusting roommate.

Tell her to eat quietly,

or you can
turn off the machines
that are keeping her alive.

Mr. Witzel, I get it.
I have a roommate who doesn't
always consider my feelings.

But the way I deal with it
is to just think about it
all the time,

have a lot of anxiety
and do nothing.

But you have a heart thing,
so I will get you some earplugs
and a sedative.

-Thank you.
-Mm-hmm.

Hope you choke on it, Don.

Hey.

Sam, if you're
back here for sex,
I can't do it twice in one day.

I thought that was
a roleplay thing.

"I'm an old man. He's tired."

-It wasn't.
-Oh.

Anyway, I just thought
I'd come in and keep
you company.

I know it's hard
to handle this place alone.

Plus, around 10:00 p.m.,
Dubois goes full b*tch,

so I thought I'd come in
and catch some strays for you.

Tosh, didn't you tell me
you got a lot of bald aunts?

-Yeah. Why?
-'Cause you look like
you're going bald.

See? Stray caught.
Didn't even faze me.

[J.D.] I had successfully
shut down medical talk,

but unfortunately,
there was only one person
who could talk about work.

It doesn't matter
what they teach you in school,

you really get to know
a red-breasted merganser

when you're cleaning
the crude oil off
their majestic little bodies.

Nobody cares, Sean.

Oh, my God, you're so right,
J.D. Nobody cares.

That's why I volunteered.

That is so sexy.

Yeah? Come here.

-Oh, wow.
-[J.D.] Wow.

I wish you
would have let me finish
chewing my shrimp first.

Yeah, I do too.

-Are you having fun?
Yeah, me too.
-Yeah.

[J.D.] Oh, no.

That's the same tone
Charlie used

when I asked her to come
to my adult violin recital.

Turk, I'm losing her.
I need you to go
full party boy.

Nah, man, I'm enjoying
my shrimp right now.

They gave me extra
'cause it's my birthday.

Please, Turk, I need this.
Party boy.

Fine.

What's happening, Turk's table?
How's everybody doing tonight?

-[all cheer weakly]
-That was the weakest "whoo"

I ever heard in my life.

And you know what happens
when I get weak whoos.

I pop them bottles!

-[♪ hip-hop music playing]
-[exclaims]

Classic party boy.

I have my eye on this bottle
of '95 Château Margaux.

No, no, no, no,
you're not getting
a bottle of that.

-You're getting two!
-[all laughing]

-Yes!
-That's awesome.

Bring the meat board!

[all chanting]
Meat board. Meat board.
Meat board. Meat board...

[J.D.] Unfortunately,
just when you start to relax,

the hospital reminds you
it's always there.

So then I said to him,
"Dusty, we are not playing
spin the bottle.

You are my second cousin,
and this is Grandma's funeral."

First of all,
we're definitely going
to my family's for Christmas.

Secondly,
why are you still here?

Please go home. I've got this.

[alarm beeping]

[Sam]
His blood pressure's dropping.

I don't know why.
He's diabetic, but
his glucose levels were normal.

-What about this wound
on his leg?
-I treated it.

-It was just a small ulcer.
-Yeah, but look at it now.

Tense edema and striations--
I think that's
necrotizing fasciitis.

I'll page Dr. Turk.
He's gonna need surgery--

No, there's no time
for that, Asher.

If he doesn't have an emergency
debridement and fasciotomy,

-he could lose his leg.
-I'll page Amara.

-Are you off?
-Yeah, shift just ended.

Can you cover Mr. Witzel?
I've got to get one of
Asher's patients to surgery.

Yeah, of course.

Now that's what
I'm talking about.

We want all of these,
especially the little cutie
from Japan.

But I want that one too.
What is that? I want that.

Turk, I think that's
for display only.

I don't care
if it's for display.

Let's put it on the grill,
see what happens.

Bring me the golden steak.
Golden steak.

[all chanting]
Golden steak. Golden steak.

-Golden steak.
-[Turk] We living it up, y'all.

-Living it up.
-[pager beeps, buzzes]

Golden steak.
Golden steak. Golden steak.

-Somebody's dead.
-Golden steak!

What happened? I missed it.

Turk has to go back
to the hospital, but we get
to stay here and have fun.

I'll be right back.

J.D., I got a closer look
at our waiter's eye.

There's a visible plume between
the cornea and the iris.
It's hyphema.

If we don't get him
to the ER immediately,
he could go blind.

-Elliot, you're
overreacting, as usual.
-More wine, sir?

[J.D.] Oh, my God! Be cool.

Oh, my God!

Hey, call upstairs.
I got a grade-three
hyphema here. Nurse? Thank you.

Are you guys
sure you didn't want
to stay at the restaurant?

No, I lost my appetite after
hearing this little guy scream
about going blind.

-It's Liam.
-[J.D.] Calm down, Liam.

You have enough troubles.

Charlie,
if I escort him upstairs,
I can get him seen way faster.

But I've done this
to you enough.

-Just say the word,
and I'll stay.
-Stay.

-What?
-Liam?

Just go. I can't be responsible
for another man losing an eye.

-What?
-What? Nothing. Go.

-Okay, Liam. I'll be back.
-Mm-hmm.

-Well, here we are again.
-Yep.

-Want to catch
a movie in pediatrics?
-Why not? What's playing?

Frozen. It's always Frozen.

Shall we Château Margaux?

Okay.

Mr. Witzel
has unfortunately passed.

Time of death somewhere
in between apps and entrées.

Sign here, please.

I'm not signing anything.

While I was busy
saving Asher's patient,
Dashana let mine die.

Yep, Amara, that's exactly
what happened.

Mr. Witzel said, "Hey, I'ma die
if that's cool with you."

And I said,
"Yeah, it's cool. You do you."

It's unexpected,
but that guy was a very high
pre-op surgical risk,

and so, cerebral embolization
can occur.

It's nobody's fault.

So you want to take that bass
out your voice now?

Just sign here, guys, please.

You know what, Dashana?
Maybe you don't have to be
sorry that the patient died,

but can't you be sorry
that my patient died?

This is exactly what it's like
to live with you.

You throw away my yogurts,
and you won't let me
have sex with Blake.

Okay, I didn't need
to know all about that.

And you barrel through
all of my feelings.

Okay, I feel wrong
saying this as a woman,
but your feelings are crazy.

You form an emotional
attachment to anything.

I mean,
who still keeps in contact
with their Uber drivers?

I do. And you know what?

Kareem was right about you.
We are too different
to be friends.

-I agree.
-Please, guys, please!

My wife's at
an indoor water park right now

with three of our daughters
and their two friends
that nobody likes,

all so she can give me
the gift of freedom
from female squabbling.

Do you know what humidity does
to my wife's hair?

No, you don't!
There's no way you do.

So, stay friends or don't
stay friends, I don't care,
but sign the damn paper,

because my wife will not endure

looking like a Dominican
Richard Simmons for nothing.

Fever's down. He's doing well.

Can I get a, "Not on my watch"?

No, Sam, you can't.

And why are you still here?

I didn't need you.
I would've figured out
he wasn't septic.

I know. You're so good at it.
It's like you have gaydar,
but for sepsis.

This isn't some joke, Sam.

It's obvious you're only here
because you didn't think
I could handle it.

Asher, that's not why
I came back.

Hey, don't stress.

It's the number one cause
of baldness.

All this? Man troubles.

Marcus, Gerald,
Marcus catching me with Gerald.

That's why you're going bald.

You did an incredible job
assisting with that
interior chamber paracentesis.

What a rush. That was
a really good catch, Elliot.

Hey, you did the hard part--

passed up on the chance
to have sex, gave a woman
credit and listened to her?

That's like
a men's triple crown.

And I listened to her.

-Hey, we still make
a pretty good team.
-Yeah, we do.

Okay, I know
everybody makes fun
of J.D. and my relationship.

The interns pooled our money
and hired a psychic

to figure out what you two
were to each other
in a past life.

Amara, I don't believe
in any of that stuff.

She said that he was a horse
and you were a black knight.

[gasps]

That explains the dream.

Listen, there's
no one in my life

I've had better times
or worse fights with than J.D.

This hospital is a test.

It's either gonna
tear you apart

or bring you together

and make you so close
that you create a pact

to die peacefully together,
holding hands in
a nursing home bed.

-Isn't that from
the end of The Notebook?
-Is it?

J.D. lied to me.

He said he made that up.

Why are you in the haunted
patient room? It's cold.
It smells like dead flowers.

It reminds me of April
in England.

Asher, I didn't come in
because I thought
you needed my help.

I came in because--

this is so embarrassing--

but I don't have a life
outside of this hospital.

Even my mom told me
to stop calling

because I was ruining
her yoga retreat in Oaxaca.

She lived such
a rich and full life.

We're not supposed
to have lives,

because if we did,
we wouldn't be great at this.

And you are
really great at this.

Tell you what, next day off,

let's go to that
harmonizing for beginners class
you've been talking about.

[vocalizing off-key]

Did we just low-key
eat that down?

I don't know
what that means, but we
almost certainly did not.

Also, can we just acknowledge
how much we're crushing it?

-Yes.
-I mean, with our son
and our careers,

our romantic lives.

-If I wasn't us,
I'd be jealous of us.
-I know.

God, there was so many times
over the past few years

that I never thought
I'd be okay again,

and I don't even remember
the last time I ate Pringles
off my own chest.

Wait, like chip to skin, or...

No, I just wedge that tube
right between the girls
and tip on back.

Well, your depression sounds
way more delicious than mine.

I once slept at the foot
of Turk and Carla's bed
like a dog.

I know.
Carla sent me a picture.

It was nice, though.
They left out this cute
little furry staircase.

I could just crawl down
when I had to go pee

and crawl back in
when I was done.

Anyway, we've come a long way,
and I'm really happy for you.

I'm really happy for you too.

It's clear how much
Charlie likes you.

Well, thank you, and I know
I haven't always been
a huge fan of Sean,

but he is a handsome SOB,
and I can tell that
he really loves you.

Yeah, he does.

Speaking of them,
should we go look for them?

Oh, God, yeah, they're
probably bored to tears.

Steak time.

Oh, damn!

[J.D.]
Whether we want it or not,

the hospital
will always play a part
in our relationships.

It can break you apart...

Okay, one last patient.
My night float
will have been a success.

I've been a nurse a long time,
and nobody comes back here
on their night off.

You really aren't sure
he could do this job, are you?

Why would you say that?

You may have made
some mistakes,

but you're becoming one
of the best young doctors
in this place.

I don't know if I could say
the same for him.

He'll get there.

I'll make sure he does.

[♪ "Everybody Wants
to Rule the World" playing]

[J.D.] ...it can make you
realize what you have...

You sure Dr. Turk's paying?
This isn't some
weird lesson, right?

He said, "I ain't getting
that damn deposit back,

so somebody better enjoy this."

Of course
we're both vegetarians,

so we're gonna have to
figure out another way
to get our money's worth.

Order a bunch of steak
and sell the meat
on the street?

No, Amara, alcohol.

Oh! Your most expensive
bottle of wine.

-And two spoons.
-What?

[J.D.] ...and if you're lucky,

even when everything else
falls apart, the bonds
you've formed will still hold.

-Thanks.
-[Turk] Mm-hmm.

I was really falling in love
with Charlie. She was perfect.

I just can't believe
Sean left me for that loser.

I'm sorry.

I just want to take a moment
to say to you both

that that was crazy, right?

They were really going at it.

He had her up
against the wall like, bam,

and she was wrapped around him
like... [squeals]

And they were
in the hospital! [laughs]

It's the craziest thing
I've ever seen.

Turk, it's not...

-funny.
-Yeah.

I just booked us a trip
to the Bahamas.

-Aww...
-It's nonrefundable.

I got us steel drum lessons.

♪ Nothing ever lasts forever ♪

♪ Everybody wants
To rule the world ♪

Look, it just kind of happened.
I mean, not just.

-There were sparks
when he introduced us.
-Mm-hmm.

And then we just started
spending so much time together.

That's right.
Because, you know,
you were too busy.

-And so were you.
-Saving lives.

-And I just think
she's so great.
-Aww!

Can you stop rubbing
his nipple, please?

Oh. Sorry.

And, Elliot, I don't know
what to say. I feel terrible.

You know what, Sean?
It's not really your fault.

-It's J.D.'s.
-What?

He's the one who forced you
back into my life, and I'm
sitting here like an idiot

with my ex-husband,
his ex-girlfriend
and my ex-ex-boyfriend.

Well, now actually
it's ex-ex-ex-boyfriend.

Nobody cares, J.D.

[groans] Check, please.