16x02 - Cash for Gold

[bunniefuu]

Dad, it was really great seeing you.

We'd love to stay for dinner, but the food gives Sharon diarrhea.

What!

Just trying to leave without being rude.

Hold on just a second.

I got a present for my grandson.

Come here, Billy.

You've grown up.

It's time for you to have something expensive and flashy to impress all the ladies.

Go ahead and open it.

Look at that, a bolo tie!

Isn't that beautiful?

That's 14-carat gold, with turquoise and real diamonds.

How much did you spend on that?

$6,000.

$6,000?

It's worth $50,000.

The J&G Shopping Network said so.

You shouldn't spend your retirement money on frivolous things.

You should save it for when you die. That's our money.

It's gorgeous. Thank you.

Tomorrow's picture day at school. Stan can wear it for his photos.

That's wonderful! That will make me feel really good.

Who's Stan?

Nice bolo tie.

Bolo ties are really in, right now. It's cool you have one.

It was a gift from my grandpa. It cost a lot of money.

No, dude, it's badass.

It happens to be worth $6,000.

That was six grand? Yeah, dude.

It's a recreation of the bolo tie worn by King Henry V.

It's f*cking gay as f*ck.

I know.

I really wish my grandpa would just give me the money.

Take it to one of those pawn places.

Every two blocks, you see a sign saying "cash for gold and jewelry."

A lot of people are doing it.

It's worth so much I feel bad accepting it.

So, I want the cash.

It's 14-carat gold, diamond and turquoise...

I'll give you $15.

That cost my grandpa $6,000.

Those are real diamonds.

I can't make anything on the diamonds.

I have to send it to a smelter, have it all smelter down for the gold.

Could make a $10 profit.

Fifteen bucks?

He's trying to rook us. Let's go elsewhere.

I'm not getting taken advantage of.

You may suck our collective balls, sir.

Don't worry, there's gotta be another Cash for Gold place here.

Here's one.

These are real diamonds, right?

You can test them.

$8.

This is the same bolo tie worn by King Henry V!

$9.

Welcome to Taco Bell.

Would you like to try our Doritos Locos Tacos?

How much you give me for this gold, turquoise and diamond bolo?

14-carat gold.

$14 a gram on the open market, got about... four grams here.

It's not really worth my time.

I guess I can give you a 6-Layer Burrito for it.

A 6-Layer Burrito?

You guys don't even make a 6-Layer Burrito!

All right, a 7-Layer Burrito, but that's as high as I'm going!

My grandpa paid $6,000 for something barely worth anything.

How does something like this happen?

OK, folks, we are... halfway complete with today's broadcast.

You wanna get in on these deals, call now.

Next item is... this is item number 45-78111.

Look at these stunning earrings.

These are genuine faux sapphire earrings.

14-carat gold, 86-carat faux sapphire.

Faux is French.

It's got an X in it, but you don't pronounce it.

How do you like that for prestigious?

These earrings normally go for $6 million.

We're selling these today for...

$320.

That's a steal. The phones are lighting up.

I believe we have a sale. Do we?

Let's get her on the line. Who am I speaking with?

My name is Vivian.

Vivian, you got a heck of a deal. What's your last name, sweetheart?

I can't remember.

Can you remember your credit card number?

3715...

Hold on, we'll get you on with a rep.

Thanks for shopping with us.

Congratulations on the 14-carat faux sapphire earrings.

At that price, you practically stole them from us.

Dude, that's terrible!

I told you, I've been watching all day.

But how do they get away with that?

This is a new time, a new era of science only the smartest can comprehend.

What?

For centuries, alchemists have tried to come up with the formula to make gold.

Whoever could do it would of course become rich, and now, the chemical equation is right before our eyes.

That's the chemical equation for gold?

Right.

Guys with Cash for Gold signs get you people's unwanted jewelry, added to a cable-based shopping network divided by demented old people equals gold.

Kenny, tell Cartman to shut up.

Shut the f*ck up, f*cking assh*le.

I'm an assh*le for doing math?

Oh, my gosh! Can you believe this?

Somebody's about to get this $20,000 topaz and copper ring for just 4,000 bucks.

We've got our buyer on the line. You're buying this as a gift, sir?

No, I'm buying it as a gift, for my grandson, Billy.

Grandpa?

How about that, folks? That is Brazilian emerald.

Finest emerald available.

We're letting this go for $1,495, EZ Pay.

We call it that to save you time.

EZ is an a abbreviation of easy.

$1,495 EZ Pay.

What?

I got word we're dropping the Z from EZ Pay.

It's now just E Pay.

Instead of taking all that time to say EZ Pay, we're saving you a second of time.

And those add up. Go ahead and try it.

Say E Pay 5,000 times.

That's 5,000 seconds, 9 hours we just saved you on J&G Shopping Network.

Not wasting your time here. You can't afford not to buy this one.

You don't have a lot of time left, literally.

Pass this to your kids and grandkids. Show them your life had meaning.

Grandpa?

Did you see that?

An emerald on 14-carat gold.

Don't you think your sister would like that?

She doesn't like jewelry.

She will one day. She will appreciate it.

She's just a baby after all.

She's not a baby. She's 13.

Shelley's 13?

Right.

Right, boy.

Did I ever tell you I used to have a border collie named Patches?

Yes, grandpa.

I loved that dog.

She always made me so happy.

When she died, I didn't let myself get too sad 'cause I thought, I thought I'd always have the memory of her slobbering happy face.

I can't remember what she looked like.

Don't worry, I'm gonna take care of this.

Craig, what's going on?

Token, I bet your mom has old jewelry she wouldn't notice missing.

Bebe, you have rhinestones. How about walking cash?

I could probably...

What the f*ck? Sorry, my arm's hurt.

"My arm's hurt." Pick the sign, this is a business!

How much will you give me for this?

Three bucks.

We got crappy jewelry.

Now, all we need are some old people.

We've just sold this bracelet to Ms. Marsha Tubbs.

Marsha, thank you for your call.

You just got yourself a heck of a deal on this one.

You there?

I'm lost.

I'm lost walking on the freeway.

All right, you're lost walking on a freeway.

Enjoy the Tiger's Eye Aquamarine Bracelet.

What should we do next?

Here's a good 'un.

Let me set stage for you here.

You're going to that senior's cocktail party.

It's Bingo night. You're looking for something to wear.

How about a 13-carat panzotopanzanite ring?

We got a caller already on this one.

You must be a fan of panzotopanzanite.

You should k*ll yourself.

What's that? I said you should k*ll yourself.

What you do is unjustifiable.

And you know it's unjustifiable.

And you don't care.

You're the definition of evil.

k*ll yourself.

We're gonna sell this ring for just $3,795.

How's that?

I read that shopping networks make most of their money on the day seniors pick up social security checks.

k*ll yourself.

You shouldn't say things like that.

A host of a jewelry channel may do it. You'd feel really bad.

No, I wouldn't. Yes, you would.

No, I really want you to k*ll yourself.

How about this.

If a jewelry network host goes home tonight and blows his brains out, you might be liable.

That's a lawsuit worth...

$2.7 million. How does that sound?

I don't care what happens to me. I care about my grandfather.

You morally empty corrupted maggot.

I'll bring the lawsuit down to $2,939...

It doesn't matter what price you put on anything.

Your only chance to right the wrongs you've done and repay all the elderly people whose lives you've destroyed is to k*ll yourself.

You think it's funny...

Telling someone to k*ll themselves. That's not a joke.

I'm not joking.

Do it.

Next item.

Next item we're gonna do is 55-2167755.

This is... Look at this, you guys.

This is 200-carat Brazilian emerald and plasticine ring.

I'll start the biding for this ring at...

$8 billion.

$8 billion, opening bid. We've got to sell this ring today.

I'll take it down a little. We'll drop that price to...

$75.95.

At this price... We got a call already, Butters?

Did we sell it?

$75.95, that's what the ring sold for. Do we have the buyer on the line?

You bought this lovely 200-carat ring. How do you feel, Mrs.?

This is Mrs. Applebee on 24 Palmark Lane.

Can I ask you something? Do you like f*cking little boys?

I'm sorry?

Do you f*ck kids all the time? That's what you did with this deal.

You got an $8-billion ring for $79.95.

You f*cked me good. Congratulations.

You saw me selling this ring and thought, "I'd like to f*ck him"?

I thought it'd be a lovely gift for my granddaughter, Jessica.

She's captain of the debate team at Jefferson high school.

Thanks, I got to go get the taste of old-lady d*ck out of my mouth.

Goodbye.

That's good acting. I should get an award.

Do you have any idea what it'd feel like to start losing your memories?

You don't have someone in your life suffering from Alzheimer's. I do!

If you've got a beef with the system, you're talking to the wrong people.

All we do is smelter down what we get from the Cash for Gold places.

There's a old Hindu saying, "Whoever smelt it dealt it."

We aren't the ones who denied you what your jewelry was really worth.

The Hindu saying is actually...

What does that mean? "Whoever denied it supplied it."

You are the scums of the earth.

Old people are victimized by shopping networks, and you kickback in your mansions making billions.

We aren't making that much.

You're not? Yell at who melt the gold down.

The old Hindu saying is "whoever smelt it dealt it."

It's "whoever denied it supplied it."

You got it all wrong.

The jewelry that those networks sell don't even come from us.

It's all made in India, where those Hindu rhymes come from.

What are you saying, Gustov? Do you mean...

That's right.

Whoever made the rhyme did the crime.

Suck my balls

Welcome. Welcome to discount jewelry store.

I'm running a resale business, but I can't get enough crappy jewelry, so I'd like to buy some of yours.

You do so good business. You so clever.

I get by.

I'm gonna need some necklaces, bracelets and earrings.

What you like?

I guess I'll take that ring, there.

You make so good choice.

It's beautiful. Look, it's beautiful.

And maybe I'll take that one for $300.

That's best one. You so clever.

You take advantage my low prices.

How about that tanzanite bracelet for $995?

You got good eye. You so clever.

I getting taken advantage. You like f*ck Asian lady?

What you say? I know.

You walk by my store, and you say, "There's nice Asian lady. I think I go in and I f*ck her."

You Asian-lady fucker you.

Wait a minute. How much do you pay for this stuff?

I pay thousands. And you come here and f*ck me.

Quit the act. I'm not f*cking you.

You f*ck me. You f*ck me!

f*ck you!

My balls Suck 'em dry

Sorry.

I'm looking to cut out the middle man.

I want to buy my jewelry direct from you...

m*therf*ckers!

You should be ashamed of the Americans that you're exploiting.

How dare you take advantage of those less fortunate?

You dirty double-crossing assholes!

You try to cut me out?

You guys stole my formula, then try to f*ck me.

Sorry.

Then try to f*ck me out of your business.

We're not f*cking you, they're f*cking Stan's grandpa.

They're getting f*cked by Asians ladies.

Somebody is at the head of all this, and somebody needs to pay.

All I want is a g*dd*mn retribution for my g*dd*mn grandpa.

Not a diamond and gold necklace!

What's he doing?

Actually, this might kind of work.

So, we went to India, which is pretty cool, I guess.

Never been there.

We learned that whoever smelt it, denied it and rhymed it actually dealt it.

Sounds like you had a fun weekend. I guess so.

Anyway, I wanted to give you something.

For me?

My God.

There she is.

Ol' Patches.

There's that slobbering happy face.

Thank you.

That means a lot.

That bolo tie you're wearing?

I don't know where you got that, but it's f*cking gay as f*ck.

Cool, I won't wear it anymore.

That's a good idea.

Folks, these are not average peridot craponite earrings.

These are 18-carat gold.

And we got... Do we have a buyer?

What are you waiting for? k*ll yourself.

All right, g*dd*mn it. We got another comedian.

Ever since that kid called up, everybody wants to call and tell me I should k*ll myself.

He was right. Do it.

Folks, this an 800 number.

Every time you call and tell me to k*ll myself, it's costing us two dollars and thirty-six cents.

So now, how about a caller who wants to buy jewelry?

Hello, sir?

You're too scared to do it, aren't you?

You don't have the balls.

g*dd*mn it, I'm not scared to do it.

You're scared.

You got lady balls.

Hello.

I'm calling about the peridot earrings.

Yes, ma'am.

They'd look good on your dead body.

Why don't you k*ll yourself?

All right, that's that.

That third's... the straw that broke the camel's back.

I got a g*n right here. What do you think about that?

Put it against your temple and pull the trigger.