01x17 - Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats

[bunniefuu]

Hey, there he is!

High five. Down low.

Too slow.

Come here, clown.

Upside down.

[WOMAN CLEARS THROAT]

Hello, Charlie.

Judith, how's it going?

Hey, Uncle Charlie, show Mom how I mop the floor with my hair.

Well, it's not really mopping.

It's more like dusting.

And what if you drop him on his head?

Then I guess I will have to mop.

Wonderful. Where's Alan?

He's in the kitchen.

Walk this way.

Master... your sexually ambivalent ex-wife is here.

I'm not ambivalent; I'm exploring.

Yes, mistress.

Thanks for bringing Jake over.

Well, I wanted to give you this anyway.

What is it?

It's the bill from my divorce lawyer.

You haven't been paying them.

Told you they'd notice.

I also need you to look this over and sign it.

And what is this?

My lawyer recommended I take out a bigger life insurance policy on you, you know, in case you should die and can't pay the alimony and legal fees.

Why don't you have him frozen?

Then you can use him to keep your drinks cold, too.

And who's supposed to pay for this policy?

You are, and please, try to be on time with the premiums.

Boy, my shallow, empty lifestyle's looking pretty good right about now.

Okay, well, as long as we're on the subject of lawyers and death, my lawyer recommended that I redraft my will, and you know what?

If I die after you die, guess who gets custody of Jake?

Charlie.

Charlie?!

Me?

What about my sister?

I never liked your sister.

Is this the sister I slept with?

Shut up, Charlie. Shut up, Charlie.

Alan, you can't be serious.

He's immature. He drinks too much.

He sleeps around. He's completely irresponsible.

Yeah, well, you should've thought of that before you threw me out.

Yeah.

All right, Alan, you're obviously angry and trying to get even with me, but I am not going to take the bait.

I will see you on Sunday.

Buh-bye.

Hey, man, thanks.

For what?

For trusting me, you know, to take care of Jake when you croak.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Y-You didn't think I was serious, did you?

Uh, I just said that to piss her off.

Oh, right.

Good one.

Hey.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men ♪

♪ Men... ♪

That's not fair.

Why don't I get to keep the kid when you're dead?

If I'm dead... and-and Judith would have to die before me for it to even be an issue.

It-it-it's a contingency plan for a hypothetical worst case scenario.

I know it's a long shot, but I had the Marlins in the World Series.

Don't tell me they don't come in.

It never occurred to me that you'd even want to be a full-time parent.

This isn't about what I want; this is about what you want, and you don't want me to have Jake.

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

Why'd you say my name?

Get over yourself. No one said your name.

So, what's wrong with me?

Charlie, you're a great uncle.

You're there for all the fun stuff, but I just...

I don't think you're up to the hard work of being a full-time parent to Jake. What?

Nothing. Nothing.

So, if not me, then who are you giving him to?

I'm not giving him to anybody.

He's not a five-pound ham.

You know what I mean.

Who gets him in that scenario thing?

Cousin Jerry and his wife Faye.

Jerry and Faye? Why Jerry and Faye?

Well, they-they've got a good marriage, three kids, lots of dogs, a big backyard, and they live in a great school district.

Yeah, but I'm your brother.

Charlie, it's not... And I live right here... you wouldn't have to ship him off to...

Cornhole, Kansas.

Coventry, Rhode Island.

Who am I thinking of that lives in Kansas?

I don't know. Dorothy and Toto?

All right, Alan, let me ask you something.

If I'm here, and Jake's in Rhode Island, who's going to teach him all the things he needs to know?

Jerry and Faye are both college professors.

I'm talking about the important stuff about life.

Face it, when the time comes, are those two eggheads going to step up and get your kid laid?

You're not helping your case, Charlie.

Fine, you've made your decision.

Despite all I've been through with your son, my nephew, obviously, I have no say in the matter.

Oh, where are you going?

Well, Alan, quite frankly, I'm a little hurt and a little disappointed, so I'm going to go make myself a big glass of vodka and sit and think about things.

Charlie, Charlie, wait.

Okay, how 'bout this?

If Judith dies, and then I die, and then Jerry and Faye die, Jake will come live with you.

Yeah, like I'm going to outlive Jerry and Faye the way I drink.

What do you say to Grandma?

Can I at least open it first?

Jake...

No, he's right.

Wait and see if he likes it.

Now you can thank me.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm kidding.

No little boy wants a framed picture of his grandmommy.

This is for your daddy.

What do you say, Dad?

Don't push me, Jake.

That's my new photo for the Sunday Real Estate section.

I thought maybe you'd like a color print of it for your office.

Gee, Mom, we've already got the one of you swimming with dolphins.

So you didn't bring me anything?

Of course I brought you something.

There.

Crayons? I'm ten.

Well, it's not just crayons, sweetheart.

It's also a dinosaur coloring book.

But I'm ten.

You want to trade?

No, I'm good.

So... where's your brother?

Why, what'd he get?

Nothing. I just want to make sure he knows why.

He's in his room.

He's been sulking all weekend.

Sulking? About what?

Well, it's the silliest thing.

I-I-I just happened to mention that in the unlikely event that Judith should die and I should die, then custody of Jake would go to...

Custody of Jake would go to who?

Uh, actually, it would be "whom."

Alan, who gets Jake?

Now, see, that's grammatically correct.

Alan...

Jerry and Faye.

Jerry and Faye who?

Your sister's son and his wife.

Them?!

You would bypass your own mother in favor of two potato farmers on Long Island?

They're agriculture professors in Rhode Island.

Really? Who am I thinking of who lives on Long Island?

I have no idea.

Well, regardless, I am deeply insulted.

Oh, come on, Mom, this is only if Judith and I both die, and we're not dying, at least, not before you.

Oh.

Now you're wishing me dead.

No, no, Mom, no, it...

Give me back my picture.

No...

Better you should look at it and feel shame.

Hey, want to play one on one?

Sure.

Take it out.

One-nothin'.

You know that Rhode Island isn't really an island?

That's just a flat-out lie.

Two-nothin'.

Hey, uh, I've got to run some errands, so I'll be back in about an hour.

You guys going to be okay?

Gee, Alan, you sure I can handle the responsibility?

What if he wants to go to college or something?

Charlie, please don't start.

I'll see you later. Hey!

Three-nothin'.

That was a time-out.

You didn't call it.

Fine. Three-nothing.

You want a do-over?

No, I don't want a do-over.

Just bring it on.

Not so easy when I'm paying attention, is it?

Not so hard, either.

[GRUNTS]

Ow! My head!

You okay?

No.

Okay, okay, don't panic.

I'm not panicking.

Good.

Ah, you're going to be fine.

We've just got to stop the bleeding.

I'm bleeding?!

[SCREAMS]

It's okay... [SCREAMS]

What?

Nothing, nothing.

Just a little trickle.

Here, take my shirt.

Hold it up here. Ow!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Okay, let's get you up.

Nice and slow. Atta boy.

I'll grab my car keys, and we'll head to the hospital.

A hospital?

I don't want to go a hospital.

Did I say hospital?

I meant Disneyland.

How's it going there, pal?

You still bleeding?

I dunno.

Don't look. Don't look.

You just hang in there.

We'll get you fixed up and you'll be back home before you know it.

Just as soon as we find the freakin' hospital.

You don't know where the hospital is?

Of course I know where it is.

I'm kind of hungry.

Can we stop for a chili cheeseburger?

You're hungry?

How can you even think about food?

What do you think about when you're hungry?

Fair enough.

We'll get you a chili cheeseburger at the hospital.

Well, do they have fries at the hospital?

They have everything.

Some people go just for the food.

Oh, man, we'd better call your dad.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Why do you have your father's phone?

I dunno.

That's great.

Bye.

[SIREN WAILING]

Yes. An ambulance.

50-50 shot he's going to a hospital.

Hang on.

Whoa.

I can't believe we beat the ambulance.

Yeah, well, those things are just ice cream trucks with blood bags.

Hi. We need to see a doctor.

Just fill these out and have a seat.

No, no, no, you don't understand.

He hit his head. He's bleeding.

Did he lose consciousness?

No.

I got a little woozy, though.

Follow my finger.

He's going to be fine.

That's it?

"Bup, bup, bup, he's going to be fine"?

That's not a medical test.

That's how you hypnotize a chicken.

I'd like a chili cheeseburger and fries, please.

You see, he's hallucinating.

Can we please just get him in to a doctor?

Well, you need to fill this out first.

Oh, come on. This is gonna take forever.

Can't we do this later?

Over dinner?

Now you're hallucinating.

Oh, jeez. Come on, buddy.

All right.

Let's see.

Last name: Harper.

First name: Jac... ob?

Mm-hmm.

Jacob. I knew that.

Middle name?

You don't know?

Of course I know.

I want to see if you know.

You fell on your head, dude.

David.

Wow, Jacob David.

They went full Old Testament on you, didn't they?

Age: Ten.

Allergies?

I dunno.

Is there anything you eat that makes you sick?

I ate a worm once.

No allergies.

Have you had any of the following?

Measles?

I dunno. Mumps?

I dunno. Chickenpox?

Is that the one with the spots?

Yeah.

I dunno.

All right.

We're just gonna vote the "straight no" ticket.

Family history?

Well, your grandmother's always been a pain in the ass.

Gonzalez.

Right here.

I'm Gonzalez.

No, you're not.

Oh, right.

He's Gonzalez.

Okay, you're going to feel a little sting.

Nobody said I had to get a shot.

It's to numb your skin so you won't feel the stitches.

What are you gonna give me not to feel the shot?

It's all right, pal.

I'm right here with you.

Big deal.

I'm still gonna get a shot in my head.

Come on. Just hold my hand. Look me in the eyes.

Go ahead, Doc.

Ow, ow, ow!

Hey, hey, go easy on the kid.

No, you're squishing my hand.

Oh, sorry.

But you didn't feel the shot, did you?

No.

You're welcome.

Maybe you would prefer to wait outside.

I'd prefer a morphine drip and a sponge bath, but the kid needs me.

How many stitches am I gonna get?

Oh, I don't know, three or four.

That's all?

Scott Pressman got nine when his sister hit him with an Etch-A-Sketch.

Help us out here, Doc.

Okay, I'll go five, but one is purely decorative.

Thank you.

Is this going to leave a scar?

I'm afraid so.

Oh, no.

Yes!

Okay, let's get started.

[PHONE RINGING] Oh, good.

Maybe that's your father.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Judith.

No, it's me, Charlie.

What am I doing with Alan's phone?

Why, do you want custody of that, too?

Oh, come on. That's funny.

I don't know, maybe Alan and I accidentally switched phones.

Why don't you try calling him on mine?

310-Lick-Me.

Hey, I didn't pick it, but that's what it spells.

Okay, good-bye.

Are you doing it, 'cause I can't feel anything.

Yeah, that's the idea.

Can you see my brain?

Sure. Sure.

It's a big brain.

You must be very smart. [PHONE RINGING]

Your phone's ringing.

No, it's not.

The doctor's just stimulating the phone-ring part of your brain.

Right, Doc?

Sure, why not?

Hey, I ordered a chili cheeseburger out there.

Will they know to bring it in?

Oh, come on, Mom.

Those are two completely different scenarios.

Hey.

Cool hats.

So, you're saying that because I didn't name you as Jake's guardian you're switching your medical power of attorney from me to Charlie?

What's going on?

Hang on.

If Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.

Pull.

All right, Mom, Charlie's on board.

Yeah, yeah, gotta go.

Hey, where've you guys been?

Oh, you know, we went and got a couple of hamburgers, bought some hats.

Ate the hamburgers, wearing the hats.

Okay.

You're right. He bought it.

Bought what?

Oh, dude, you can forget about a life of crime.

Oh, my God.

What happened?

We were playing basketball, and it got a little rough.

He fouled me. You charged.

Did not. Did, too.

Hold on. Hold on.

So you took him to the emergency room? Yes.

Where the cheeseburgers sucked, by the way.

But he's okay?

There's no concussion or anything? No.

We saw my brain.

No, we didn't.

We didn't see any brains.

Hey, why didn't you call me?

Oh, there it is.

Why do you have my cell phone?

I dunno.

All right.

You sure you're okay?

Mm-hmm.

Can I go watch TV?

Sure.

I am really sorry, Alan.

Oh, don't worry about it.

He's fine.

Yeah, but I'm not.

You were right.

I obviously can't be trusted to take care of Jake.

Believe me, the second you're in the ground, I'm sticking that kid on a plane to Rhode Island.

Charlie, let me tell you something.

You can't keep Jake from ever getting hurt.

He's a boy. Getting hurt is like his job.

Last summer he actually fractured his ass doing a cannonball into the bathtub.

All I care about is that he has somebody who loves him and who'll step up when it really counts.

And that's what you did today.

Yeah, I... I guess I did, didn't I?

Yeah, and if, God forbid, something should ever happen to Judith and me...

I would be very comfortable knowing that you were looking after my son.

Dead, but comfortable.

Does this mean you're putting me in the will?

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Thanks, man.

That means a lot.

Just do me a favor, all right?

What's that?

Don't die.

♪ Men.

That's a very cute hat.

Thank you. It makes my hair sweat.

Oh, my God.

What happened to your head?

Oh, I got five stitches.

There was blood everywhere.

Why didn't anyone tell me?

I just did.

Can we stop for pizza?

I can't believe this.

I'm going to have a little talk with your father.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?