03x02 - Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Doc, how many more adjustments do you think I'm going to need?

Well, Mr. Malinkovich, let's see.

Um, my son won't graduate college till 2015, so... a lot.

See you next time.

Okay, Mr. Dunlop.

It's good to see you again, sir.

And, uh, how are we doing today?

Not good.

I was making love to my wife last night.

Oh, my God, is she okay?

She's fine. She was on top.

But my back went out, Doc.

Okay, well, let's, uh, get you on the table and get to work.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Steady there, big fella.

I took some pain pills my wife had left over from her C-section.

I guess my legs are a little rubbery.

How many pills did you take?

Well, let's see.

One when I went to bed...

Mm-hmm. One when I got up...

Seven.

Really?

You know, it's not usually a good idea to pop Class-A narcotics like Skittles.

Doc, I gotta lie down.

Okay, okay, but not here, n-not now.

No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, my God!

Mr. Dunlop!

Mr. Dunlop, you need to get up.

Help!

Fire!

Big giant guy!

[CELL PHONE RING TONE PLAYS "FUR ELISE"]

Oh, perfect.

[GRUNTING]

Dr. Harper speaking.

Judith, this is not a good time.

I'm with a patient.

Well, what about Jake?

Well, no, I can't pick him up at school now.

W-Why can't you do it?

You're not the only one under pressure, Judith!

All right, I'll call Charlie and have him pick him up.

Mm...

Hey, hey, stop that.

Stop that.

[PHONE RINGING]

Do you need to get it?

Nah, the machine'll pick up.

[TAPE CLICKING]

Hey, it's Charlie.

Do your thing when you hear the beep.

[BEEP]

ALAN: Charlie, I need your help.

Oh, pick up, pick up, pick up!

For God's sake!

[BEEP]

See?

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Men... ♪

Hey, look who's here.

Hi.

How come you're not in school?

He got sent home... For misbehaving.

Well, it's about time.

Hey, when I was your age, I had already been arrested twice.

Charlie, don't.

No convictions.

Come on. I've had a really bad day.

I had to cancel all my patients and close my office to go pick him up.

Wow, what a drag.

Hey, I got some new video games.

You wanna play with me?

Sure. Did you forget you're being punished?

No, but why does Uncle Charlie have to suffer?

Go to your room.

You know, in some countries you're innocent until proven guilty.

You confessed.

Oh, yeah.

And that country you're thinking of is this one, genius!

What'd he do? Something awful.

How awful?

These are all multi-player games.

Apparently, there is a little girl in Jake's class named Barbara Schmidt who is a little more physically developed than the other girls, and Jake decided to make a picture of her and pass it around.

I only passed it to one person.

What happened after that was not my responsibility.

Aw, dude! Why'd you sign it?

Okay, that part I regret.

Go back to your room.

"Boobra Schmidt."

I'm putting this one on the refrigerator.

Charlie, this is serious.

It really speaks to me.

The girl went home in tears, her mother is on the warpath and Jake could get expelled.

For a silly drawing?

It's considered sexual harassment.

The school has a zero-tolerance policy.

Oh, for the good old days when you could wander into the girls' locker room pretending you were blind.

You actually did that? That's horrible.

No, the horrible part was stealing the dog from the blind kid.

Well, unfortunately, times have changed and we no longer live in a Porky's movie.

JAKE: What's a Porky's movie?!

Close the door!

I'll be in to talk with you in a minute!

[DOOR CLOSES] Alan, go easy on him.

He doesn't understand what he did wrong.

JAKE: He's right! I don't have a clue!

I thought I told you to close the door!

It is closed.

Go in your room!

JAKE: Fine.

You know what?

Maybe I should talk to him.

Oh. Oh, now you want to help?

What's that supposed to mean?

It means why didn't you pick up the phone when I needed you this afternoon?

Um... I didn't want to?

See? See?

I can't depend on you.

I never have been able to depend on you, and I never will be able to depend on you, and you know why?

Because I'm undependable?

Yes! Yes! Undependable and, an-and selfish, and frankly, I'm the idiot, because I deluded myself into believing that when I desperately needed my brother to go pick up my kid at school, he might actually bother to pick up the freaking phone!

Okay, okay, in my defense, I really didn't want to.

Okay, you're right.

I'm sorry, I-I should've picked up the phone.

Forget it. What's done is done.

No sense grinding on it.

Thank you.

I just have to accept the fact that I-I can't count on anyone, least of all an emotionally immature narcissist who thinks that the sun rises out of his navel and sets in his scrotum and only cares about what lies between the two.

Okay, I'm no expert, but that sounds a lot like "grinding."

I am done talking to you.

Come on, Alan, I said I was sorry.

Give me another chance.

For what? To let me down again?

Tell me what I can do. Name something. Anything.

Okay, okay.

I have to go to Jake's school tomorrow to see if I can keep him from being expelled.

You want me to go with you? I am there. You can count on me.

No, my receptionist is out sick all week and I need somebody to handle the phones while I'm gone.

In your office?

Yes.

Way out in the Valley?

Yes.

All day?

Yes.

Gee, tomorrow's not really good for me.

All right, all right, what time?

The office opens at eight.

O'clock?

No, degrees.

No reason to be snide. I just don't want to be late.

Fine.

We leave at seven.

O'clock?

♪ Men.

ALAN: Okay, Charlie!

Time to get up and go to work!

Charlie?

Of course.

Never even came home.

Why help your only brother when you can be out boffing total strangers?

"I'll be there for you."

"You can count on me."

My own fault.

I'm just stupid and gullible.

And annoying. Don't forget annoying.

You're here.

You said 7:00, right?

You got yourself up?

Didn't have to.

Why not?

Didn't sleep.

You haven't been to bed?

Not my bed.

Hey, you want some coffee?

I made some coffee.

It's really good coffee. Oop, no more coffee.

Why don't you make some more coffee while I go take a squirt?

Morning.

Yo, Berta. Berta, Bert, Bert, Bert.

He just getting home?

Yeah.

You gotta wonder how long he can keep burnin' that penis at both ends.

I try not to think about it.

Um... Listen, Charlie is coming with me to work today.

Why?

He's gonna help me at the office.

You want to bet?

What's up with Uncle Charlie?

What do you mean?

He's peein' off the deck.

I thought we weren't allowed to do that.

We're not.

We're not?!

No, we're not.

Okay.

What's the Oompa Loompa doing here on a weekday?

He got suspended from school.

Why isn't he with his mother?

Uh, Judith had a little liposuction yesterday and she needs to stay in bed until she... stops leaking fat.

Yeah, I hate it when that happens.

So what did the melonhead do?

Oh, it's a long story.

Ah!

Worth a thousand words.

Come on, Charlie!

Let's go!

Hang on. I'm not done yet!

Oh, will you leave the seagulls alone?!

For crying out loud!

So...

You like making fun of girls with big boobs.

Not anymore.

♪ Men.

[HUMMING "TEQUILA"]

[HUMMING "TEQUILA"]

Gridlock!

[HUMMING "TEQUILA"] Stop.

People do this every day?

Drive to work at eight miles an hour?

Pretty much.

I'd have to k*ll myself.

Oh, click.

What?

I just had a phenomenal business idea.

They haven't perfected personal jet packs yet.

Oh.

Okay, I have another one.

We buy a donut machine and put it in your trunk.

Let's go back to the jet packs.

Hear me out.

The next time you're stuck in a traffic jam, you just pop your trunk Uh-huh.

We'll call 'em... Gridnuts...

Trunk Crullers...

Stop 'n' Go-Nuts.

Charlie?

Yeah? Please stop talking.

Okay.

I got it!

Trunkin' Donuts.

[HUMMING "TEQUILA"]

[DOOR CHIMING]

Here it is.

The chiropractic offices of Dr. Alan Harper.

Wow.

So this is where you come every day, huh?

Yep, for 11 years.

What do you think?

I would've k*lled myself ten and a half years ago.

Okay, now, all you have to do is sit here and when the phone rings, pick it up and say, "Dr. Harper's office."

So right off the bat, I lie?

I am a doctor, Charlie.

Yeah, and I'm king of the traffic donuts.

Moving on...

I have canceled all the morning appointments, so the only thing you're going to have to deal with is walk-ins.

Just have them make an appointment for another time.

So I don't get to crack anybody's back?

Charlie, listen to me very carefully.

You must not touch the patients.

This is not me talking.

This is the State of California.

Okay.

Let me be absolutely clear.

No touching the patients.

Got it.

What did I just say to you?

Repeat it back to me.

Boy, you're really not a morning person, are you?

All right, I've got to go get to Jake's school.

Say a prayer that I can keep him from being expelled.

Don't worry about a thing.

It's under control.

You can count on me.

Oh, if I could believe even one of those things.

[PENCIL SHARPENER GRINDING]

Okay, where can I hang myself?

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Oh, hey, Alan...

I said "Dr. Harper's office."

I did.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Damn, try it again.

Are you waiting to see the principal?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, have a seat.

Thank you.

Uh, Alan.

Oh, Mindy.

Nice to meet you.

You, too.

Oh... um, you must be Boobra's mom...

Barbara's mams...

Hi.

[DOOR CHIMES]

Don't worry, Alan.

I'm not touching the patients.

There are human lives at stake here, man.

I need those spines delivered immediately.

Hello.

Can I give you a complimentary adjustment?

I'm here for the masseuse position.

I see.

Well, I'm really not authorized to do any hiring, but you're obviously qualified.

So the hell with protocol, welcome aboard.

Let me tell you something.

Puberty is hard enough for a young girl without having to be leered at and made fun of by obnoxious little boys.

I couldn't agree with you more.

And I can assure you that I've had a long talk with Jake about how wrong it is to objectify women's...

Up here. I'm up here.

I know. I know.

I see you.

A-A-And let me tell you something.

There is no one more sympathetic than I to the plight of the large-breasted woman.

"Plight"?

It's not an affliction.

Well, no, not the breasts themselves, but the attendant back problems associated with carrying the enormous load.

So now my breasts are a "load"?

From a strictly engineering standpoint, yes.

See-see, I am a chiropractor and I deal with the heartache of MMS all the time.

MMS?

Massive Mammary Syndrome.

It's a term I coined in an article I submitted to the Journal of the American Chiropractic Association.

It hasn't really caught on.

Anyway, MMS is particularly acute among strippers, but they bring it on themselves with those humongous implants.

Yours, on the other hand, appear quite natural.

God-given, am I right?

What the hell is wrong with you?

I don't know.

I was a bottle baby.

I'm sorry, Dr. Harper's not in this morning, but if your back's really bothering you, we do have a masseuse on duty.

Fine. Anything.

Well, let's see, she just went in with a patient about five minutes ago, so if you don't mind waiting.

Thank you, that was great.

Good. Come back soon.

Soon?

I'll be back after lunch.

You next? Oh, please.

Let's go.

What's this?

Your cut.

Click!

I'm really sorry.

Just drop it.

You know, in my defense... well, in defense of all men, we do live in a mammo-centric society.

Mammo-centric?

Another coinage of mine.

Hasn't really permeated the cultural zeitgeist.

Hey, bottle baby.

I'm up here!

That-that perfectly illustrates my points... point.

From the moment we are born, we are basically bombarded by breasts.

Breasts in advertising, breasts in television, breasts in movies.

Here a breast, there a breast, everywhere a breast, breast...

Heck, you can understand the fixation.

You're a horrible little man.

Okay, okay, I had hoped that we could have a spirited exchange of ideas here, but if we're going to just degenerate into name-calling, perhaps we should wait for the principal to decide what a reasonable punishment for my son would be.

Fine.

We'll let the principal decide. Okay.

I'm Principal Gallagher.

Oh, God, my boy's gonna get the chair.

Time!

Man, is this day ever gonna end?

Hey, Alan.

What's going on here?

I had another business idea.

You what?

Hear me out.

What do men like better than donuts?

Hang on.

Time!

♪ Men.

4,200, 4,300, 4,301, 4,302.

I hate singles.

Don't you hate singles?

You turned my business into a brothel!

I thought you'd be proud of me.

I didn't touch a single patient.

I left you alone for a couple of hours and you turned my business into a brothel!

You know what you need?

A nice, relaxing massage.

Oh, shut up.

There is a happy ending here.

From what I saw, there was, like, 40 of 'em.

And that's just what's on the books.

I don't want to know about it.

I never want to know about it.

Okay, we'll change the subject.

Thank you.

How'd it go at Jake's school?

I don't want to talk about it.

I never want to talk about it.

You screwed up, huh?

In ways you can't imagine.

So he's expelled?

No, he's just suspended for the week.

That's not so bad.

It's already Wednesday.

I, on the other hand, have been asked never to set foot on the grounds of Woodward Avenue Elementary School again.

No kidding.

And it was strongly suggested that I resign from the PTA.

Whoa.

And there was talk of a civil suit.

Oh, and Principal Gallagher's lesbian lover might just drop by tonight to kick my ass.

Remind me to charge the camcorder.

Oh, click!

Another great business idea.

I don't want to hear it.

Just listen.

We put a massage table in the trunk of your car...

Forget it, Charlie.

Actually, we'd probably need a van...

I'm not listening. Oh, come on.

Who needs their tension relieved more than guys stuck in traffic?

We'll call it...

Bumper to Humper...

Speed Humps...

I got it!

Jiffy Lube.

Oh, wait, somebody already has that.