07x01 - Cancelled

[bunniefuu]

I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.

Friendly faces everywhere.

Humble folks without temptation.

Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.

Ample parking day or night.

People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!"

Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.

Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine.

School days, school days, teacher's Golden Rule...

Aw, damn it! What?

My g*dd*mn brother is trying to follow me to school again!

Suck my balls.

No, Ike, you can't come to school with me.

Yeah! Go home, you little dildo!

Dude, for the last time, don't call my brother a dildo!

All right, go home, you little semen-puking, assh*le dickhead.

Ow! Dude, sweet.

Yeah. Check it out. Ready, Ike?

Kick the baby!

Don't kick the g*dd*mn baby.

Kick the baby. Waah.

Whoa, Cartman.

Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.

That's because I was having these bogus nightmares all night long.

Really? What about?

Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed, in the dark, when all of a sudden, this bright blue light filled the room.

And slowly my bedroom door began to open.

And the next thing I remember, I was being drug through a hallway.

Weak!

Then these scary aliens wanted to operate on me.

They had big heads and big, black eyes.

Dude, visitors! Totally!

What?

That wasn't a dream, Cartman! Those were visitors!

No, it was just a dream. My mom said so.

Visitors are real. They...

Wait a minute. This has all happened before.

Yeah. This does seem really familiar.

What the Funk & Wagnalls are you talking about?

Cartman, don't you remember the last time you had this dream?

Shut up, you guys. You're just trying to scare me.

No, dude, this happened before!

Aliens put some device in you, and we tied you up to a tree, and you went up on their ship.

You don't remember that? No, I don't remember that!

You don't?

No, because the aliens erased my memory!

I remember this whole thing.

Ike tried to follow you to school, you kicked him, then Cartman told us about his alien dream.

Yeah, and then Chef pulled up in his car.

Hello there, children!

And then you said...

What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?

Well, today it's Salisbury steak with hot buttered noodles...

...and a choice of green- bean salad or vegetable medley.

Weird.

Say, did any of you children...

...see the alien spaceship last night?

What the...

Chef, we're in a repeat!

A repeat?

Cartman was visited by aliens again last night, and now it's like we're living a repeat of a previous day!

Oh, dude, I hate repeats.

I've been feeling déjà vu all morning, children.

I knew something strange was going on.

It all started when Cartman got an a**l probe.

We have to get Eric to a proctologist right away.

What is a proc-tologist, Chef?

He's a doctor that specializes in your assh*le, children.

You mean at some point in this doctor's life, he decided he wanted to work on people's buttholes?

That's right. What a d*ck.

Hello, everyone. Hello, Doctor.

Thanks for seeing Eric on such short notice.

What seems to be the problem?

We just want you to take a look and tell us if you see anything abnormal.

Other than its monstrous size.

Shut up, Kyle! Shut your g*dd*mn mouth!

All right. Let's see here.

Oh my God! What?

Why, there's a huge cr*ck going right down the middle!

Very funny.

Like we haven't heard that one a zillion times.

All right. Let's take a look.

Hey! Just what the hell do you think you're doing?

Eric, the doctor has to feel inside your rectum.

Afterwards, he'll probably have to burn his hand and bury it.

Kyle, I swear, if I didn't have a guy's hand up my ass right now, I'd leap across the room and kick you in the nuts.

The prostate seems to be normal.

No swelling of the hormonal gland.

Ooh. Oh, wait. What's this?

Are you okay? Dude.

You know that feeling when you take a huge dump?

Awesome.

Well, Doctor?

I've never quite seen this before.

Perhaps he just needs some hemorrhoid cream.

You all right?

You know that feeling when the huge dump you just took sh**t back up inside your ass?

No, I'm not all right!

I've never seen a hemorrhoid react this way.

That wasn't no hemorrhoid. It was an alien hoop-a-joop!

Come on, children!

We've got to get Eric to some real help!

Where to now, Chef?

That thing inside Eric's assh*le looked like some kind of alien satellite dish.

We need to see my friend down at the space center now!

You're the only person I could think of who might be able to help us, Jeff.

How do we, uh, make it come out?

Someone just has to activate it like the proctologist did.

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Nobody is putting their finger in my ass again.

Unless it's Kyle.

What? No way! You do it, Kenny.

Nope. It has to be Kyle. Go on.

I'm not putting my finger up Cartman's butt!

Kyle, the fate of the world may be at stake.

Come, Kyle. Do hurry.

Go ahead. It won't bite.

God damn it, Cartman!

I couldn't resist. I'm sorry.

Stop it, Cartman!

Okay. Okay, okay.

God damn it!

Oh, man, that was great.

Okay, go ahead. I'm all out of farts now.

Durr!

Okay, okay. It's not funny anymore.

Oh, yes, it is!

Eric, that's enough!

Okay, okay.

Oh! Double psyche!

That's it!

I don't care about the fate of the world! Screw it!

Oh, nice going, Cartman!

All right. All right. I'm sorry.

Go ahead, Kyle. No!

No. Go ahead. I'm dry. You're lying!

It stopped being funny 40 seconds ago, boys.

Let's just get this over with.

But it was one of the best times I've ever had.

Can I see this thing, please?

Okay.

Oh! God damn it!

Okay. Now it's funny again.

This is so awesome!

I don't think I made it out of that proctologist's office.

I think I d*ed and went to heaven.

That does it! Charge!

What's it doing?

It... It's sending a transmission of some kind.

Got it.

It's just sending images of cities and people and stuff.

Where is the signal being sent to?

I don't want to play anymore, you guys.

We went through all that just for some gay video of Earth?

We wanted to see an alien planet or something.

Whoever they are, if they're receiving messages, they might be sending them, too.

Wait a minute. C-Candy bars.

Candy bars?

You... You know, candy bars.

They usually come in a wrapper, just like you wrap a Christmas present.

Christmas happens when it's cold.

Cold, as in Alaska. That's where the polar bears...

Polar bears... Pol... Polarity!

I can switch the polarity to see what transmissions are coming from the location this one is being sent to!

What the heck?

They're coming in!

What do we do?

It's that guy you want!

He's trying to reverse your polarities!

What?!

Run, run, run!

Get in the car, children. Get in the car!

What is that? Can you see anything, children?

The aliens are chasing us!

g*dd*mn aliens!

Chef, end of the road!

Hold on, children! We have to ditch them!

What are you doing, man?

Looks like them boys are getting a little fresh air.

I think we ditched 'em.

I don't think we're out of the woods yet.

Goot, goot!

It's the police!

That ain't no police!

When do we get to eat? I'm hungry.

Chef!

Ha! g*dd*mn aliens!

I b*at you!

Where'd you learn to drive, aliens... Chinese auto school?

Chef!

You're lucky I didn't just turn around and b*at your white, skinny alien asses anyway!

Maybe next time you'll remember to... Huh?

Oh, crap! Children!

Chef!

Well, it looks like the boys are in more trouble than a June bug in molasses.

And it's pretty thick molasses, too.

You guys, wake up!

What the... Where... Where are we?

We're in the alien ship.

I'm trapped inside Helen Hunt's ass!

Oh, God! Help me, you guys!

It's not Helen Hunt's ass. It's an alien spaceship.

Oh, thank God! Oh, thank... thank you, Lord.

You guys, look.

Oh, my God. Do you guys realize?

This is only the second time we've ever been in outer space.

Yeah. Rmphm.

This is like my fifth time.

This must be the head alien guy.

Mrph rmh!

Hello, boys.

Dad?

No, not really.

I just read your mind and thought this form might be more pleasing to you.

Oh, dude, don't do that. That's gay.

Yeah, that's like that stupid movie Contact.

Oh, God. That movie pissed me off.

Very well. I shall show my true form.

Blargh, blargh, blargh! Blargh, blargh!

Okay, okay! Take the form of something else!

How's this?

Santa!

No. That's stupid, too.

How about this?

No.

No.

Ooh, very nice. No.

No.

Dy-no-mite! No.

Jeff!

The aliens took the children up on their ship!

Oh, no!

Did you find out what the aliens are up to?

When I reversed the polarities, I found this.

It's a message that the aliens are broadcasting throughout the entire universe.

But I have no idea what it says.

They took the children, Jeff!

I have to know what those aliens are up to!

Wait a minute.

Butt sex.

Butt sex?

Butt sex requires a lot of lubrication, right?

Lubrication...

Lubra, chupa...

Chupacabras, the... the goat-k*ller of Mexican folklore.

Folklore is stories from the past that are often fictionalized... Fictionalized to heighten drama.

Drama student!

Students at colleges usually have bicycles.

Bi... Bi... Binary!

It's binary code!

Who's having butt sex?

Hello, my honey, hello, my baby.

Hello, my ragtime gal.

No.

Let me search it, gonna work it.

No.

Don't piss on the moon, babe.

No.

All right, Earthlings. What form do you want me to take?

How about a taco that craps ice cream?

Guys?

I like it. Mrph rmh.

All right. Then we can get back to business.

Follow me this way, Earthlings.

I want to apologize to you boys for all the spooky, scary stuff.

We just needed to get to the malfunctioning uplink relay.

You mean the thing in Cartman's ass? That's right.

See, there are dishes in over 50,000 Earthlings' rectums.

Your friend's has been malfunctioning.

Why do you put them into people's asses?

Are you planning some kind of alien takeover?

Oh, heavens, no! We're a production company.

We make intergalactic television programs that the whole universe watches.

Television?

We at Nerzod Productions started 20 billion years ago with one philosophy...

The best universal television isn't scripted, it's real.

We started with great shows like "Who Wants to Marry a Gelgamek?"

And "Antares 6 Millionaire".

And then we had a big hit with "Get Me Outta Here, I'm a Klingnanian!"

But then, of course, there's our signature show...

The greatest universal reality show of all time.

Earth?

A few billion years ago, we realized...

What if we took species from all different planets in the universe and put them together on the same planet?

Great TV, right?

Asians, bears, ducks, Jews, deer, and Hispanics all trying to live side by side on one planet!

It's great!

Our planet is just a reality-TV show?

You don't think the whole universe works the way Earth does, do you?

No! One species, one planet.

There's a planet of deer, a planet of Asians, and so on.

We put them all together on Earth, and the whole universe tunes in to watch the fun!

You mean you aliens actually enjoy sitting around and watching us fight and k*ll each other?

Dude, that's messed up.

Why? Why?

You're playing with people's lives!

You're turning people's problems into entertainment!

Yeah! We'd never do that on Earth!

Ladies and gentlemen, we have recently come across an alien transmission that is being beamed throughout the entire universe.

When decoded, it looks like this.

What does it mean?

I-It's simple mathematical language that can be understood throughout the solar system.

Translated into our language, it looks like this.

This Jannemon at 8:00, it's everyone's favorite show... "Earth!"

It's been 100 galgamars since we first took species from 17 different planets and put them all together on the same planet!

Ur derp!

They've fought and fallen in love.

What will happen this galgamar?

Tune in Jannemon at 8:00 to find out!

It's "Earth!" on FOGNL!

I'm afraid that Earth... A-all of Earth...

Is nothing but an intergalactic reality-TV show.

My God.

We're famous!

Wait. Y-You don't understand.

I'm on TV!

I'm on TV!

Oh, this is so awesome!

That should get the relay working again.

All right, Earthlings. If you'll step over this way, we'll erase your memories and get you back to Earth.

Oh, excuse me.

This is Nagix.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Really?

And it's... it's for sure?

All right. I'll break the news to everyone.

No, no. I-I understand. Thanks.

Well, you kids can go back to Earth if you want, but I'm afraid it won't be there for long.

The show's been canceled.

What? Who canceled us?

The universal network heads.

They say the Earthlings have become aware of the show, so it won't be funny anymore.

Oh, sh*t. Did we do that?

Everyone, can I have your attention real quick?

Uh, look, I just got a call from the network, and I'm afraid "Earth!" has been canceled.

Aww!

Now... Now, it was a great run, and I think we should all be really proud.

Let's call in the demolition crew to strike the Earth for resources.

Wait! Wait! They... They can't do this!

Let us talk to the network heads!

Wouldn't do any good. Dude, we have to try!

Please, take us to them. Please!

All right, kids. We'll take you to the network heads.

But I warn you... Nobody has ever gotten the executives to uncancel a show once the call has been made.

Nobody.

What the hell is that?

There's a huge ship of some kind in Earth's orbit.

But why? Wait a minute.

Chaos theory!

Chaos theory?

Chaos theory.

It was first thought of in the '60s.

60... That's the number of episodes they made of "Punky Brewster" before it was canceled.

Canceled?

Don't you see? The show is over.

The aliens are canceling Earth!

Oh, my God. We have to stop them!

Welcome to planet FOGNL, home of the Joozians, who control all media in the universe!

Can I help you?

Oh, uh, we have a 3:00 meeting with the network heads.

Where are you visiting from? Uh, Earth.

I watch that show all the time!

Oh, sure! Come on in, Earthlings!

We're just checking out our new show.

We took 100 beings from the planet Marklar and put them on an asteroid with sentient beings from the Horsehead Nebula.

It's a riot!

They hate each other!

"Mighty, powerful network executives, we have come a great distance in order to... ".

Ooh, I'm starving. You Earthlings have haglar yet?

Oh, yeah. Let's do haglar.

Where do you want to go, Meroni's?

Not on a Flakmar. Too crowded.

Blackafelch!

Oh, Blackafelch! Perfect!

This place is fantastic.

Look, we just want to talk to you about the show.

Please don't cancel us. Please.

Oh, I'm sorry, Earthlings.

But you have to realize, the universe is a business.

You made it to 100 episodes. You should be proud.

Yeah, a show should never go past 100 episodes or else it starts to get stale with ridiculously stupid plotlines and settings.

Here's your order of gespahtgaplachfenachenblah!

But, sirs, we... we think our show is just getting good.

I mean, we're just now starting to see people get really pissed off at each other.

Oh, my God. This is great!

You must have some Joozian ancestry.

Tell us about it.

There's five billion people on our show.

You can't just up and cancel on us.

Oh, my God. Will you look at the hekmas on that joozinek?

Dude, we're trying to save our planet here!

Let's take the Earthlings to a hekma bar!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah. Let's see those hekmas!

Sirs, uh, if you'll...

Oh, man, I am so wasted.

Hey, you Earthlings want to try a little glach?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, gluck, yeah!

Kenny!

Man, screw this place!

Let's go get a hotel room and a hooker!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

We have to find a way to stop those aliens!

Oh, their ship is massive! There's no way to stop it!

Wait a minute. Jackets!

Oh, no.

If people don't wear jackets, they could get cold.

A cold is caused by a virus.

A virus...

Computer virus!

We could make a computer virus and send it to their ship to disable their computers!

That doesn't make any g*dd*mn sense!

Oh, yeah, hooker! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

Boy, Earthlings, is this a party or what?

Oh, that's it, baby. You're getting my jagon hard.

Yeah. Let's party.

Yes, suck my jagon.

Yeah. Now you suck on my jagon.

Oh, yeah! Stick your finger in my thrusher.

Oh, yeah, suck it! Suck that jagon.

Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing right now, but I have a feeling it's really, really wrong.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oh, God. My head.

What did we do?

Oh, man, I can't believe I sucked your jagon.

Oh, God! We did suck each other's jagons.

You kids won't tell anybody about this, right?

No.

No. Wait.

We won't tell anybody if you don't cancel our show.

I knew that was coming.

They've really got us by the nezmins.

The Earth show can still be good.

Just erase everyone's memory so we don't know we're a show!

I'm sure you'll see that if you give our world time, it will become even more outrageous and violent.

There's even World w*r III to look forward to.

Then we won't have to show anybody the picture of you guys sucking each other's jagons.

All right! All right, Earthlings!

You win.

The show can stay on.

All right!

Just be sure to keep up the wars and v*olence.

Well, we've got a 5:00 with the Yurka producers.

Nice meeting you, Earthlings. Bye!

Whoa, Cartman.

Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.

That's 'cause I was having these bogus nightmares all night long.

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

What the hell is that? Mrph rmh.

Hello there, children! Hey, Chef.

Chef, Kenny has a picture of two green things sucking each other's shoulders.

What is it, Chef?

I don't know, but something tells me this picture might be very important, children.

You should hang on to it.

Attention, universe!

Be sure to tune in next week for another exciting episode of "Earth!"

The Asians are really stewed at the Russians.

The zebras try to get along with the buffalo.

And Americans and Iraqis have an all-out brawl!

It's outrageous fun, and it's all new!

"Earth!" on FOGNL.

Let me search it, gonna work it