02x20 - Pop Quiz

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Opening Credits

[SCENE – John Adam’s High School hallway. All is peaceful until Cory and Shawn enter, running, while playing football. Cory stops while Shawn runs ahead, to the right of the set]

Cory: (Holding the ball) Steve Young takes the snap.

Shawn: (Running) Jerry Rice goes long!

Cory: He throws a perfect 60-yard pass and hits… (Throws the football and hits Frankie who, with Joey, stare mesmerized at a letter in Joey’s hands) …A blue 1995 Buick Regal!

Shawn: Run! (Cory runs, too, as does Shawn, who grabs the football as he does so)

Cory: (Peering from around the corner, to Shawn) They’re not moving.

Shawn: Maybe they lapped us.

Cory: (Looks to Shawn, then slowly creeps towards the two thugs) Uh, Frankie, Joey… I realize it’s none of my business why you’re not b*ating us up, but… (steps down the stairs, around Frankie and Joey) …why aren’t you b*ating us up? (Frankie and Joey remain silent, staring at the letter)

Shawn: (To Cory) Maybe they don’t understand.

Cory: I’ll translate. (To Frankie and Joey) Why ain’t you pounding us to a pulp?

Shawn: Here, here… let me try. (Steps in front of Cory) (To Frankie and Joey) Hey! Why no this? (Takes Frankie’s lax hand and tap the side of his own head)

Frankie: Sorry, the thrill is gone.

Shawn: (Laughs) Too bad. What you got there?

Joey: (Emotionally) It’s a letter from Harley Keiner.

Frankie: (Comfortingly) It’s okay, Joey. (Pats his shoulder)

Shawn: How’s Harley doing in his new reform school?

Frankie: (Sternly) It’s called juvenile boot camp! (Pause) He loves it, thank you very much.

Joey: (Cracking) He never wants to come home… Doesn’t say it here, but I think he’s got a new g*ng.

Cory: Are you okay?

Joey: You don’t get it! We’re lackeys! We’re hangers-on with nothing to hang on to!

Frankie: Come on, Joey. We might as well go to class. (Picks up Joey like a baby and carries him forward)

Joey: (As he and Frankie exit) It’s come to this! (He and Frankie exit)

Cory: (Quick subject change) Okay, we’re back live, second half. (He and Shawn separate eagerly, ready to resume play) (Stepping back) Steve Young back to pass.

Shawn: (Across the room) Jerry Rice is open!

Cory: He throws! (Throws the ball. Feeny, as though appearing from no where, grabs the ball from in front of Shawn) Intercepted!

Shawn: By Feeny!

Feeny: (Walks over to Cory, Shawn following) The wily veteran.

Cory: I stink.

Feeny: I agree. Have you seen your latest test score? (Takes some papers from his pocket) If Mr. Matthews stinks, (hands Cory a paper) you, Mr. Hunter, are as odoriferous as a dead man in July. (Hands Shawn paper)

Shawn: (Reads his grade) A twelve? How do you get a twelve?

Feeny: I don’t know. You ever open a book?

Shawn: (Looks up) What?

Feeny: (A bit frustrated) A book! Do you ever open a book?

Shawn: (Not understand, looks past Feeny to Cory) What?! (Frustrated, Feeny goes to Cory’s other side)

Cory: (Looking over his paper) Don’t ask me, I got a sixteen.

Feeny: Gentlemen, do you ever go home and open a book?

Shawn: What?

Feeny: (Angrily) I want you to go home this afternoon and open a book! I don’t care what you had otherwise planned, I order you, nay, I command you. (Turner approaches) Go home and open a book!

Turner: George.

Feeny: (Snapping) What?

Turner: Watch this. (Turns to Cory and Shawn, as though speaking to a dog) Hi, boys. Nice boys! Nice boys! (Cory and Shawn smile and bob up and down excitedly) Fellas, did you hear anything Mr. Feeny just said?

Shawn: No.

Cory: (Leans in, whispers loudly) He’s real mad.

Turner: (Whispering, leans in to Cory & Shawn) Do you have any idea why?

Shawn: (As though greatly wronged) No, he just started yelling like a crazy man.

Feeny: (Walks past the group, then stands at Shawn’s side briefly) You know, I’d give up on them, but I don’t think they’d notice.

Shawn: What? (Feeny throws his arms in the air in frustration, then exit with their football)

Turner: Guys, I hate to add to your troubles, but your book reports were due on my desk by the end of the class.

Shawn: (Unconcerned with Turner, watching where Feeny left) Hey, he took out ball, man!

Cory: (To Turner) Hey, wait, I didn’t here anything about any book report.

Turner: I only mentioned it every day in class for the last two weeks.

Cory: (Pleadingly) Look, Mr. Turner, just give us till Wednesday. I swear we’ll have them in. (Turner shifts his weight, conveying “no”) Tuesday?

Turner: I’m grading them Sunday.

Shawn: So Tuesday?

Cory: Please, Mr. Turner, help me bring up my grades. I just got a sixteen.

Shawn: And I got a twelve. Between us that makes twenty-four.

Turner: Twenty-eight.

Shawn: (Gleefully) Thanks!

Turner: Okay, I’ll throw you one. Have your papers in my hand, at my place, Sunday, five ‘o’clock, not a minute later. (Cory smiles)

Shawn: Alright, Mr. Turner, I should tell you… my dog ate it.

Cory: (Leans towards Shawn, speaking quietly) Not yet!

[SCENE – Matthews’ kitchen. Morgan is making some sort of a sandwich while Alan searches through the fridge. Amy enters from the living room]

Amy: (To Morgan) How’s your homework coming, honey?

Morgan: Great, I’m acing it.

Alan: (Turns to Morgan, steps closer) Making sandwiches is homework?

Amy: (Circles next to Morgan) Making their own lunches teaches them to be self-reliant and grown-up.

Morgan: (As she adds some Cheez Whiz) I’m making Wonder Bread, Cheez Whiz, and Lucky Charms.

Alan: Um, honey, let me give you a couple of pointers here…

Amy: (Interrupting) Ah-ah! She needs to make her own mistakes.

Alan: Well, she’s well on her way. I mean, look at this. This is disgusting. (Picks up the sandwich) Nobody’s gonna want to eat this. (Sniffs the sandwich, then cautiously takes a bite) (While chewing) Hey, that’s not bad. (Takes another bite) What the heck have you discovered here!?

Eric: (Enters from upstairs) What you eating, Dad?

Alan: (While chewing) Uh, Lucky Charms and Cheez Whiz, you want some?

Eric: It’s Morgan’s, right?

Alan: Mm-hm.

Eric: You tried Froot Loops on pita?

Morgan: (Alan turns to her) Tomorrow.

Alan: (Eric turns away, Alan stops him) Listen. Listen, they ran a promotion at the store and guess what you won. (Pulls some tickets from his back pocket)

Eric: (Takes a tickets) Two passes to Sliding Rapids Mountain, excellent!

Alan: Yep, you and your brother should have a blast.

Eric: Ah, no, no, no, no… See, when I look at this ticket, I see someone in a skimpy wet bikini.

Alan: Well, that’s entirely up to Cory. (Eric looks confused)

[SCENE – Cory and Eric’s room. Cory and Shawn are procrastinating by talking. Shawn sits on the bed, Cory falls back onto it holding a ball]

Cory: You know what I can’t figure out, Shawn? How do these other kids get their work in on time and get such good grades?

Shawn: Well, I got a theory, Cor. See, it runs in the family. Our ancestors were all slackers and goof-offs, and now we’re paying the price.

Cory: (Fiddling with the ball) That’s a good theory. (Sits up) Alright, if I make this one, we start. (sh**t the ball at a hoop across the room, but misses and the ball goes out the window)

Feeny: (From outside) Open a book!

Shawn: What?

Cory: (Stands) Y’know, I wish there was some way to do a book report without reading the book.

Shawn: They can put a man on the moon but you still gotta read.

Cory: I got it! We rent the movie and copy the junk on the back of the box.

Shawn: (Stands, excitedly) You’re a genius!

Cory: What, you think that 16 was an accident? (The two exit running)

[SCENE – John Adam’s High hallway. Dejected and morally hollow, Frankie and Joey sit staring off into space at the bench below the ledge. Cory and Shawn enter from the ledge, and notice Frankie and Joey below them]

Cory: (Smiles) Shawn, watch this. (Leans between Frankie and Joey) Hey, guys. Look, look… (Holds out a dollar) Milk money. (They don’t react) See it? (Holds it in front of Frankie’s face) Smell it! (Rubs it under Joey’s nose, then Frankie’s) Feel it! (Rubs it against Frankie’s cheek, then Joey’s) Can’t you just imagine how good you’d feel just ripping this from my hands and stuffing me in the garbage can?

Shawn: (After a moment without reaction) Wow! Cor, stick your whole head in Frankie’s mouth.

Frankie: (Turns to Cory and Shawn) Come on, guys, what have we ever done to you? (Joey looks at him, he realizes) Ohh… (Cory and Shawn walk away)

Joey: Look at us, we’re pathetic. We just gotta face the facts: Harley’s gone and he ain’t coming back. Never. Never. Never. (Pause) We need a new leader)

Frankie: No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Joey: The times, they’re a-changin’, Frankie. Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. I can’t believe it’s not butter!

Frankie: You make a lot of sense. A new leader, but who?

Eric: (Enters from the bathroom) (To a girl) Yo, Jasmine! Did you know that our bodies are ninety-eight percent water? Well, if you can squeeze that other two percent into a bikini, I’ve got two tickets to our natural habitat. (Presents her ticket)

Jasmine: That’s great. (Takes the ticket) Where’s your ticket?

Eric: I’m just about to pick it up.

Jasmine: I can’t wait.

Eric: Alright. (Jasmine walks away)

Joey: (With Frankie, having been watching Eric) You thinking?

Frankie: I’m thinking.

[Cut over to Eric, who is approached by Cory]

Cory: Hey, Eric! Can you take me to the video store after school? I gotta return my, y’know… books.

Eric: (Chuckles) Oh, you mean the tapes you used for your reports?

Cory: That’s them.

Eric: (Behind him, Frankie and Joey stand) (Still to Cory) You know, it would be a shame if Mom and Dad found out about that.

Cory: I’ll say!

Eric: So will I… Unless I get your water park ticket. (Grins, holds out a hand)

Cory: You enjoy this, don’t you?

Eric: (Laughs) (Smiling) Does it show? (Cory hands him the ticket, then the two disperse)

Joey: (Still having been watching Eric) (To Frankie) Did you see that, Frankie?

Frankie: I’m getting all tingly.

[SCENE – Turner’s apartment. The doorbell buzzes]

Turner: (From the bedroom) I’m coming, I’m coming!

(Doorbell buzzes again)

Cory: (From outside the door) Mr. Turner, we’re here!

Turner: (Enters in jeans and an undershirt) (Sarcastically) Oh, great. (Opens the door)

Cory: (He and Shawn are out of breath, but hold up their papers as soon as the door opens) 4:58, we made it.

Shawn: Sprinted six blocks, ran up four flights of stairs…

Cory: But we made it!

Turner: I admire your dedication, especially since the deadline in five ‘o’clock tomorrow.

Shawn: Okay, we’ll wait, then.

Turner: Give me. (Takes the papers) (Reading) “‘Of Mice and Men,’ a poignant tale of two unlikely friends set against the backdrop of the Great Depression…” (Nods approvingly) “Exceptional cast… powerfully acted…” (Looks to Shawn and Cory, stupefied)

Shawn: Two thumbs up. (Gives a thumbs up, the Cory joins him)

Turner: (Goes to his desk) Look, I’ve got a date, I’ve gotta finished getting dressed. So have a seat, catch your breath, uh, grab a soda from the fridge if you want. (Puts the papers in a folder, exits into the bedroom)

Cory: (With Shawn, enters. Look around bewildered) Wow! I can’t believe we’re in Mr. Turner’s place. His private domain. Inside a teacher’s home.

Shawn: What’s the big deal, Cory? You’ve lived next to Feeny your whole life.

Cory: (Takes an action figure from a desk) Yeah, but he’s never let me inside his house. At Halloween he always drops the candy off at my door. (Notices Shawn is playing with one of Turner’s CDs) Shawn, what are you doing?

Shawn: I’m checking out a CD.

Cory: (Rushes towards Shawn) Put that down, he’ll know!

Shawn: It’s a CD, how’s he gonna know? (Drops the CD in a fishtank)

Cory: Pick it up! Pick it up!

Shawn: (Staring at the fish nervously) Those might be piranhas.

Cory: Use your left hand.

Shawn: (Looks at Cory) Good idea. (Drops the case, rolls up his left sleeve and reaches in) Nice fish… Nice fish… Go over there. (Retrieves the CD) (See Cory wander to the couch, sits, and take a toy car from the end table) Oh, but you can play with the truck! (Cory puts the car back, but knocks everything off the table in doing so. Shawn rushes over, and together they replaces all of the items on the table in haphazard fashion) He’ll never notice.

Cory: (Takes a Post-It Note from the fridge) Hey, look. Miss Tompkins’ phone number.

Shawn: Who?

Cory: You know, that social studies teacher.

Shawn: Oh, right, the blonde. That must be who he’s going out with.

Cory: Yeah, they’ll probably go out to dinner, and then see a movie, and then…

Cory & Shawn: (Both realize) Oh, man…

Turner: (From the bedroom) There’s ice in the freezer!

Cory: Ah! Ah… We’re fine, we’re okay. (Replaces the Post-It on the fridge)

Shawn: Hey, Cory, check it out. It’s next week’s lesson plans. (Takes Turner’s book from his desk)

Cory: We can’t look at that!

Shawn: (Disinterested, staring at the book) Yeah, well, I already saw.

Cory: Then let me see! (Rushes next to Shawn, grabbing half the book) (Reading) “Tuesday, pop quiz, chaps eight, ten to sixteen.”

Shawn: Darn, it’s in code.

Cory: Wow! I can’t believe this! This is top-secret information. Exactly when the pop quiz is and what’s on it.

Shawn: This is very valuable.

Turner: (From bedroom) Hey, guys…?

Cory: (Rushes Shawn quietly) Put it back! Put it back! (Shawn does so clumsily)

Turner: (Enters wearing one shirt and holding another on a hanger) What do you think, this shirt or the one I’m wearing?

Cory: Um… The one your wearing is good.

Shawn: Definitely the one you’re wearing. (Turner looks at Cory and Shawn suspiciously, as the two do something that looks like them trying to look cool. Turner quickly takes off the shirt he’s wearing and begins putting on the other)

Cory: Anyway, Mr. Turner, we have to go.

Turner: No drinks?

Shawn: (Rushing out) No drinks.

Cory: We’ll take a rain check, okay?

Shawn: (With Cory, lingering in the doorway) Yeah, my book is due back and I gotta rewind it. (Exits, Turner looks perplexed)

Cory: (Hangs back, looking at Turner uncomfortably. Then does a shrill, awkward laugh) See you in class, Mr. Turner. (Exits)

[Cut to the hallway that Cory & Shawn just exited into)

Cory: Shawn… We have no right to know what we just found out.

Shawn: We know when there’s a test.

Cory: We know what to study.

Shawn: We just might get good grades.

Cory: We finally b*at the system! (They high five with both hands)

Shawn: YEAH! (They exit, excitedly running)

[SCENE – John Adam’s High School hallway. Eric enters, and then Frankie and Shawn enter, too, stalking Eric. The funny thing is, they’re dressed just like Eric, wearing slacks, pink polo shirts, and sweaters draped over their shoulders (very out of character) and walking uncomfortably. Eric turns, suspicious of their activity. Frankie and Joey quickly turn to a nearby locker and pretend as though they’re trying to open it. Eric goes on, and stops at his locker, looking through his stuff. Frankie and Joey stop nearby]

Eric: (To Frankie and Joey) What?!

Frankie: (To Joey) You spooked him, I told you not to spook him!

Joey: If we’re gonna hang with somebody, he should know we’re here.

Frankie: Harley didn’t know for months.

Eric: (Steps closer) Ah, guys, what’re you doing?

Frankie: You tell us, we’re here to serve.

Joey: We’re your new lackeys.

Eric: “Lackeys,” what do you mean?

Joey: We do stuff you want. We’re like magic genies, (holds hands far apart) but on a smaller scale. (Moves hands close together)

Eric: (Smiling) I really appreciate that, guys, but no thanks. (Turns to his locker and opens it. Inside is a nerdy seventh grader) Uh!!

Frankie: A small token of our affection.

Joey: Seventh grader. We put him in your locker.

Frankie: You can torment him, if you’d like.

Eric: (To the seventh grader) Just… go. (The seventh grader runs) (To Frankie and Joey) Guys, find somebody else. (Shuts locker, begins walking away)

Joey: (Following Eric) But you’re exactly what we’re looking for, Rico!

Eric: (Turns, offended) Hey! My name is not Rico, and I don’t need lackeys. Don’t you guys get it? I hate you creepos, you’re scum!

Joey: (Steps forwards threatening) Oh, really? I’d like to hear you say that again.

Eric: You’re scum!

Joey: (Smiles, relaxed) Good, now smack me. (Taps the side of his head) No, right here.

[SCENE – Turner’s classroom. Everyone is in their seats when Turner enters]

Turner: Okay, everybody, books under your desks. It’s pop quiz day. (The whole class, including Cory and Shawn, moan. The only difference is that Cory & Shawn’s moans are fake)

Cory: (Acting) That is so unfair, Mr. Turner. You caught us totally off guard!

Shawn: Totally!

Turner: Well, gee, if you’re not ready, we’ll just postpone ‘till tomorrow..

Cory: (Acting) No, no… Those of us who are unprepared will just have to pay the price.

Shawn: So go ahead, pop us.

Turner: (Shrugs) Okay…

Shawn: (He and Cory retrieve huge stacks of pencils from beneath their desks and offer them to everyone) Number-two pencil, anyone? (He and Cory begin to pass them around)

[SCENE – Feeny’s office. Feeny is behind his desk, talking to a student while surveying a folder on his desk)]

Feeny: After reviewing the disciplinary report from your last school, I was expecting a much brasher young man. (Stands, returning the folder to a shelf) But I must say, you’ve been quiet and polite. (Drops folder off) Now, if this is an attempt to lull me into a false sense of security, I warn you, Griffin Hawkins… (taps the student’s shoulder) Nobody pulls the wool over the eyes of George Feeny. (Sits)

Secretary: (Steps in the doorway) Mr. Feeny, Griffin Hawkins is here.

Feeny: (Confused) Who?

Secretary: The new transfer student?

Griff: (Enters, looking cool as ever) Hi, I’m Griffin Hawkins, call me Griff. (Shakes Feeny’s hand) (To the student) Thanks for filling in for me, I didn’t think I’d make it. (The student exits, Griff turns to Feeny) I’m not usually a morning person, but I wanted to make a good impression.

Feeny: (As though confirming) You’re Griffin Hawkins?

Secretary: (Flirty) He sure is… (She and Griff giggle)

Feeny: Thank you, Miss Gill, you may go.

Secretary: Do I have to?

Feeny: (Not amused) Yes.

Griff: (To the secretary) Erica, we’ll finish up later. (Touches the secretary’s hand as she giggles and exits)

Feeny: (Going to retrieve Griff’s file) Take a seat, Mr. Hawkins. (As he retrieves the file, Griff sits at Feeny’s seat behind the desk. Feeny turns and sees this) Take another seat, Mr. Hawkins.

Griff: (Stands, paces around the desk) Well, I figure I’ll be sitting in this seat so much, I just wanted to take in the view from your side. (Sits)

Feeny: Mr. Hawkins, I will make this short and to the point. (Drops file on his desk) This is my school. You are a guest in my school. And while you’re here, you will toe the line and respect the rules. Now, what is your first class?

Griff: (Takes a paper from his pocket) English Lit. (Calling out into the office) Hey, kid! (The student from before reenters, Griff holds out his schedule) Room 102, and take good notes. (Hands the student his schedule, the student exits)

Feeny: Fine, Mr. Hawkins, that frees you up for detention with me.

[SCENE – John Adam’s High School hallway. Eric enters from the boys bathroom, with Frankie and Joey in tow, both dressed like preppies]

Joey: (To Frankie) Boy, that L.L. Bean catalogue sure had come great stuff. (Eric stops to tie his shoe, Joey and Frankie stop behind him) Topsiders, tennis sweaters, I feel like a stinkin’ Kennedy!

Frankie: And I was pleased to see that vertical stripes are a preppy staple.

Eric: (Facing the other direction) Okay, look, guys. I’m gonna count to three, turn around, and you’re gonna be gone. One, two, three. (Turns around)

Frankie & Joey: (Smile and pose) Hey!

Eric: (Frustrated) Guys, find somebody else!

Griff: (Enters, followed by a flock of girls) Excuse me, I’m supposed to be in English class. Can anyone tell me where the cafeteria is? (A huge crowd of girls immediately encircles him excitedly) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa… I believe you were first. (Points to a girl)

Crowd of girls: (Disappointedly) Oh…

Eric: (Watching Griff, to Frankie and Joey) Who does this guy think he is? (Frankie and Joey remain silent) Guys? (Pause) Guys? (Turns to Frankie and Joey, who are transfixed on Griff) Hey, guys, it’s me. (Waves his hands in front of their faces) Rico. (Eric turns to Griff, wide-eyed)

[SCENE – Chubbie’s. Griff sits at a table, surrounded by girls. Eric enters with Frankie and Joey. Frankie and Joey stare at Griff, awed. Eric and his new cronies linger at the foot of the stairs]

Eric: (About Griff) There he is.

Joey: (Nervously) Wow, look at him. Cool… confident… I change my mind, I can’t talk to him.

Eric: Hey, hey, hey! Don’t get shy on me, now. You guys are perfect for each other.

Frankie: Yeah, but… Oh, no, he’s looking this way. Joey, hide me. (Grabs and holds Joey in front of him)

Joey: What are you, kidding me?

Eric: (Griff gets up, alone, to get some straws) (To Frankie and Joey) Okay, guys, guys… Alright, look, he’s all by himself. Why don’t you go make your move.

Frankie and Joey: (Unsure) I don’t know…

Eric: (Pushes Frankie & Joey forward) (Calling) Hey, Griff! (He, Frankie, and Joey arrive right nest to Griff)

Griff: Do I know you?

Eric: No, but as a guy with quite a reputation myself, I admire your work. Eric Matthews. (They shakes hands)

Griff: Hey.

Eric: (As a greeting) How are ya? I was wondering if you knew my friends, Joey and Frankie? (Puts his arms around them, as though displaying them)

Joey: (Nervously) Hi, I’m Joey. (Points) This is Frankie.

Frankie: (Looking away) Hello.

Griff: Hey, I saw you guys. I saw you guys hanging out at school.

Eric: (Shakes Frankie and Joey’s shoulders encouragingly) Huh? Huh?

Frankie: (To Griff) You sure it was us?

Griff: Well, you were the guys sucking the quarters out of the soda machine, right?

Joey: Oh yeah, you want change for a dollar? Frankie, burp, come on. (Pats Frankie’s belly, Frankie opens his mouth and leans forward)

Griff: (Stopping them) It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m… (Changing the subject) So, what can I do for ya?

Eric: Well, actually, Griff, the question is what can they do for you? (Pause, Griff looks puzzled)

Joey: (Giggles nervously) We’re lackeys.

[SCENE – John Adam’s High School hallway. Cory and Shawn enter with their tests, Shawn looking much more excited than Cory]

Shawn: (Reading his grade) Ninety-two! Oh, I’ve gotten a nine, I’ve gotten a two, but never together! What’d you get?

Cory: (Less enthused than Shawn) A ninety-six.

Shawn: (Jumping) Well, jump up and down!

Cory: I can’t.

Shawn: Why not?

Cory: Because we both know I studied for it.

Shawn: Well, so did I. That’s why we didn’t tell anybody.

Cory: (Becoming increasingly unhappy) Yeah, but… I feel like a cheater. Oh, Shawn, I can’t live like this. I never should’ve studied. Boy, what I wouldn’t give for an F right now! (Doubles over) Oh, oh! My stomach!

Shawn: This is the way it is. We both studied, and we got good grades. Now deal with it!

Cory: (Grasps his head) Oh… oh! Now my head hurts. We gotta tell Turner, it’s the right thing to do.

Shawn: (Exasperatedly) No, Cory, come on! I got a ninety-two! This one grade alone gives me a decent sh*t at a trade school!

Cory: (Doubles over, as though in pain) Oh! Oh, boy… Oh…

[SCENE – Chubbie’s. Griff is sitting in a booth next to Eric, across from Frankie and Joey]

Eric: Come on, Griff, can’t you just take them on a trial basis? Look at these little faces. (Frankie and Joey lean together, trying to look cute/pitiful)

Griff: (Stands) It’s really tough to say no to you guys, but… no. (Steps away)

(Enter Tommy, a jock wearing a football jacket complete with varsity letter, and his g*ng of jock thugs in similar attire. He violently grabs Eric’s collar and pulls him close, intimidatingly)

Tommy: You the lady-k*ller?

Eric: (Smart-ass) I like to think so. (Grins)

Tommy: So you’re Griff?

Griff: (Standing nearby) Over here.

Tommy: (Stands, faces Griff) So you’re Griff!

Griff: It must be tough to live in a world where not everyone’s name is stitched on their jacket… (Reads Tommy’s jacket) Tommy.

Tommy: (Feigns a laugh) I heard you were funny. I heard a lot of things about you.

Griff: Well, you know, you can’t believe everything you hear.

Tommy: Y’know, well, I heard it from Laurette. My girlfriend.

Griff: (Smiles cleverly) Well her you can believe.

Tommy: (Insinuating a fight) You wanna step outside and talk about this?

Joey: (With Frankie, stands) Actually, we’d love to step outside and talk. We just love to talk. Frankie and me, we’re a couple of regular chatterboxes.

Frankie: Maybe you’ve seen our show, “Meet the Fist”? (Holds up a fist imposingly)

Tommy: (Scared) Hey, look… this is between me and him. (Gestures to Griff)

Frankie: No. (Shoves Tommy to his other side) We’re between you and him.

Tommy: (Looks around, smiles, then laughs nervously and shrugs) Okay, then, uh… (To Griff) Just… have her home by ten? (Nods) Great. (Exits with his jock thugs)

Eric: (Still sitting at the booth) See, Griff? They’re very handy!

Griff: It would save me time talkin’ my way out of these inevitable situations.

Frankie: Hey, you’ve not even scratched our surface.

Griff: What else do you do?

Joey: (Shrugs) Y’know, Just different variations of that. (Griff nods)

[SCENE – Turner’s classroom. Turner is alone, writing on the chalkboard, when Cory and Shawn enter]

Cory: Mr. Turner?

Turner: (Puts down the chalk, walks towards Cory and Shawn) (Happily) Matthews and Hunter! The A-team! How does it feel being at the top of the curve?

Shawn: (Uncomfortably) Great! Glad we talked about it, bye. (Turns to leave)

Cory: (Quickly stopping Shawn) No, my stomach. (To Turner, who sits) Mr. Turner, I gotta tell you… We knew about the quiz in advance.

Shawn: We, um… We kinda saw it at your house in your lesson plan.

Turner: The one I left open on my desk?

Shawn: Yeah.

Turner: The one I easily could have covered, but I didn’t?

Shawn: Yeah, that’s the one. Alright, what’s going on here, Mr. Turner, if that’s your real name.

Turner: I want you to get good grades.

Cory: By letting us cheat?

Turner: Guys, that homework has been the assignment for the past two weeks.

Shawn: It has? (Turner nods)

Cory: Wait, you mean you want us to know what to study?

Shawn: (Throws a hand in the air) Well, I’m lost!

Turner: It’s the whole idea! I stand in front of the class and talk, you learn. It’s called education. (Feeny appears, watching from the doorway)

Shawn: (Slowly realizing) So that’s why this building exists! (Slowly, as it comes to him) Some of us and students, and… some of us are teachers, and if the students listen to the teachers, then… (Pause, rubs his forehead) Oh, I almost got it!

Cory: Then they get good grades,

Shawn: (Freaking out) Yeah, but why?!

Turner: Why do you think, Shawn?

Shawn: (Slowly, like before) Because… if you get good grades… it means you’ve actually learned something. Am I close?

Turner: Close. (To Feeny) Wouldn’t you say, George?

Feeny: I must say, I’m surprised, Mr. Turner.

Turner: (Stands) You know, guys… You can get A’s again. Anytime you want.

Shawn: (Meekly) You mean we can look at your lesson plan?

Turner: Absolutely. It’s up there, (points to chalkboard) on the blackboard. Everyday.

Cory & Shawn: (Leering at the chalkboard) Whoa!

Turner: Now get outta here. Go home and open a book.

Shawn: (Smiles) You got it! (With Cory, begins to exit)

Feeny: (Stopping Cory and Shawn) Hold it! Mr. Matthews, Mr. Hunter… Am I to understand that you’ve heard all this and are now going home to open a book?

Cory: Yeah, we heard him loud and clear.

Shawn: He was talkin’ right to us. (He and Cory exit)

Feeny: (Steps into the classroom, towards Turner, at a loss for words) (After a long pause) I believe we said twenty dollars?

Turner: (Nodding) Yeah, yeah. (Feeny takes a twenty from his money clip and hands it to Turner, who takes it)

[TAG – John Adam’s High School hallway. Frankie, Joey, and Griff all hang around the garbage can near the steps. Frankie’s on the bench, Griff leaning on the other side of the trash, and Joey bent over the ledge. A cute girl walks by, catching Griff’s eye]

Griff: (To Frankie & Joey) Whoa! Who was that?

Joey: (As he hops over the ledge) You like her, you got her. Come on, Frankie. (The two almost go after her)

Griff: (Stopping his lackeys) Yogi, Boo Boo, back. I just want to know her name.

Joey: (Standing on the bench, calling through cupped hands) Yo, cookie! What’s your name?

Griff: Guys! If you’re gonna hang with me, you gotta chill. Mellow out. (Goes over to the payphone and makes a call)

(Cory and Shawn enter on the balcony above, and spot Frankie and Joey sitting together on the bench, not noticing Griff, nearby, on the phone)

Cory: Shawn, look, there they are. The thugs formerly known as thugs. (They go down the stairs and stand on the other side of the garbage) (Yelling out as bait) Shawn, look! A trash can! Let’s take a look inside!

Shawn: (Acting loudly) Isn’t that dangerous with Frankie and Joey watching?

Cory: (Acting loudly) I am scared, but I’m willing to take a chance. (He and Shawn squat and peer at the thugs through the garbage can)

Joey: (Tugs on Griff’s sleeve, getting his attention) Hey… can we?

Griff: (Disinterested) Knock yourselves out.

Frankie & Joey: (Lean in and stare at Cory & Shawn back through the garbage can) (Menacingly) Hello! (Cory and Shawn’s expressions become horrified, mouths agape)

[Cut to the hallway at night. The room is empty and the camera is centered on the garbage can. Cory and Shawn’s heads pop up]

Cory: (Whispering) Shawn, is it safe?

Shawn: (Whispering) No, I hear someone coming.

(A janitor, mopping the floor, walks through and sticks his mop in the garbage can, shaking it out. He then goes up the stairs and exits. After a brief pause, chewing sounds are heard)

Cory: (From the garbage can, presumably to Shawn) Hey, where’d you get the gum?