07x04 - No Such Thing as a Sure Thing

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Opening Credits

[SCENE – Student café. There is a big pep rally, so there is a gigantic cheering crowd. Shawn and Angela, however, are sitting on the couch and talking closely]

Shawn: (Yelling over noise) If I was only gonna be alive for one minute, I’d spend it looking in your eyes.

Angela: (Also yelling over noise) And if you were only gonna be alive for one minute, I’d tell you to stop looking, and staaart kissing! (They begin making out)

[Cut to a stage that is set up in the front of the room. On top are cheerleaders, Jack, Eric, and Rachel among them. Rachel has a megaphone.]

Rachel: (To crowd, through megaphone) Who’s going down?

Crowd: The Amish!

Rachel: Who’re we gonna b*at?

Crowd: The Amish!

Rachel: And who’s gonna lead us to victory?

Crowd: Jerry Mungo! (Cheers) Go Pangy! Go Pangy! Go Pangy! (Their mascot, a giant penguin, jumps onto a trampoline and does a somersault. The crowd breaks into more cheers)

[Cut to outside. Topanga is sitting alone at a table, studying. Shawn and Angela walk out, holding hands.]

Angela: It’s so noisy in there, can we sit with you?

Topanga: Yeah, sure. As long as you guys don’t… (They sit and begin making out) …that. (Looks disgusted)

[Cut back to inside]

Crowd: (led by Rachel on megaphone) Pennbrook! Pennbrook! Yay, Pennbrook! (Jack and Eric hoist a cheerleader up, each holding a foot) Whoo-hoo! (Eric looks up, and is entranced by looking up the cheerleader’s skirt.)

Jack: (Giving Eric the evil eye) Eric.

Eric: What? Oh… (They let the cheerleader down) (To cheerleader) See ya, panty. (Closes eyes, realizing his mistake) Patty. (The crowd begins to quiet, talking amongst themselves)

Jack: You would rather look up her skirt than b*at the Amish, wouldn’t you?

Eric: I got nothing against the Amish, they’re a decent, hard-working, agrarian people.

Jack: Who kicked out butts 47 years in a row!

Eric: Oh, so they’re on a little streak. What’re the chances they’re gonna do that again?

Jack: Vegas has ‘em a 14-point favorite.

Eric: You? Mister Clean-Cut? A gambling man?

Jack: Get off my back, jeez!

Eric: (Seriously) Jack, (grabs his shoulders) I’m gonna ask you this one time: do you have a serious problem that needs my help?

Jack: No.

Eric: (Happily) Okay. (They hug, Jack walks away) (Eric watches the penguin mascot remove his head. The man inside has a long beard and glasses.) Hey look, the penguin’s Amish! (Laughs) (Angrily) Hey! (Chases after the penguin over the stage, then behind the counter) Come here! (They penguin climbs over the counter, with Eric behind him, then jumps off the stage via the trampoline. Eric, trying to follow, jumps onto the trampoline but goes back onto the stage.) Dang! (Runs off the stage around the trampoline.)

[SCENE – Outside the student café. Shawn and Angela are still in the chair. Topanga sits at the table when Cory approaches]

Cory: (Points to Shawn & Angela) Look how the formerly separated now behave, okay? I wanna be like them!

Topanga: Why? You wanna make out till we realize we hate each other some day?

Cory: Topanga, we hate each other now! (Sits) Okay, so your little plan doesn’t work, does it? Kiss me with tongue! (Sticks out tongue, Topanga gives him the cold shoulder) (To self) She thinks that’s gonna stop me. That’s not gonna stop me! (Turns to Angela & Shawn, still kissing) She’s thinks that’s gonna… how ya doin’? (Turns back to Topanga, who’s still facing away) That’s not gonna stop me! (Lunges forward to kiss Topanga on the cheek, she shoves him down onto the floor)

Topanga: (Stands) Cory, are you okay? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.

Cory: (Stands, looks stricken) That’s it, Topanga, I’ve had it with you.

(Enter Eric, carrying the empty Pangy mascot suit)

Eric: Okay, turns out the penguin was an Amish infiltrator. And he had our team’s playbook in his britches. How’d I get it out? Don’t really want to talk about it. Point is, we’re gonna need a new mascot. (Begins to walk away)

Cory: I’ll do it. (Eric stops) I’ll be the penguin.

Topanga: Cory, you can’t be the penguin. You’ll hurt yourself.

Cory: I couldn’t be hurt any more than you’ve hurt me already. (Begins to walk away, stops at Angela & Shawn kissing in the chair) How ya doing? (Takes the penguin head from Eric) (To Topanga) Now, you broke my heart. I gave ya every opportunity. (Puts on head) But now, I have to keep my dignity. (Turns to Eric) How do I look?

Eric: You da bird.

Cory: (Exaggeratedly) Oh! (Cups hand to side of head, turns to Topanga) You hear that, Topanga? I the bird! And this bird is moving on! This bird is flying solo!

Eric: (Turns to crowd inside the café) Ladies and gentlemen! Put your hands together for the pride of Pennbrook… Pangy the Pennbrook Penguin! (The crowd cheers. Cory, wearing the penguin head, dances into the room, Topanga looks on.)

[SCENE – Matthews’ kitchen. The Matthews family plus Jack are eating dinner]

Cory: (Grinning goofily) I’m gonna be the penguin.

Alan: (To Jack and Eric) What’s this I hear about Jerry Mungo not playing Saturday? I mean, Jerry Mungo doesn’t play, you guys have no chance.

Cory: (Excitedly) I’m gonna be the penguin!

Eric: (To Alan) There’s just a rumor he might not be eligible academically.

Morgan: I hear he’s dumber than you.

Eric: (Laughing) Nah!

Alan: Well, Jerry Mungo better be playing Saturday.

Cory: I’m gonna be the penguin!

Alan: ‘Cause I’m tired of losing money better against the Amish.

Amy: Alan, I really don’t like it that you’re gambling.

Alan: That’s why I do it.

Cory: Topanga doesn’t think I can be the penguin. She doesn’t know me. Fine. We’re not getting married, fine!

Amy: (To table) I hope none of you start gambling.

Jack: (Deadpan) Why? Because it could ruin your life? Blow every relationship you’ve ever had? Make mom and step dad almost have to sell the house in the Hamptons? (Chews food exaggeratedly)

Alan: (To Amy) Would it k*ll you to use real potatoes?

Morgan: (To Jack) I heard you had a problem.

Jack: (Looks suspicious) What?

Cory: (To all) Now, Topanga just doesn’t believe in love anymore.

Alan: (To Cory) Well, maybe you should face reality. Maybe it’s time to move on with your life.

Cory: I am. I’m the penguin. (Smiles)

[SCENE – Student Union. Angela and Shawn are making out in a chair, while Jerry Mungo, clad in his jersey, tosses a football in the air. Feeny approaches and takes the football in midair]

Feeny: Study, Mr. Mungo. Star running back or no, you fail my test, you don’t play.

Jerry: You know, when this college paid me to come here they didn’t say nothing about no tests. (Stands)

Feeny: Did they say anything about double negatives?

Jerry: Why are you so upset?

Feeny: (Hits the football into Jerry’s arms) Open a book. (Walks away) (As he passes Shawn & Angela, still making out) How ya doin’? (Exits)

(Enter Eric and Jack)

Eric: Hey, Rach! Great speech yesterday, really got everybody fired up. You know, RAH!

Rachel: Well, thanks, but it wasn’t for the crowd, it was for Jerry. I was trying to light a fire under his lazy butt. (Cut to Jerry inspecting his football, then back to Rachel) You know, if he doesn’t pass his exam, we don’t have a chance of winning the football game.

Jack: (Uncomfortably) Yeah, well you know, sporting event… Oddly shaped ball… (Quietly, nervously, biting nails) Inside information, inside information. (Looks up to Eric quickly) Will you excuse me for a second, please? (Walks away, Eric follows)

Eric: Dude? You’re, like, shaking.

Jack: (Biting nails, trembling) There’s no such thing as a sure thing. That’s the first step to accepting you have a problem. (To no one) Hello, my name’s Jack. (Puts hand over his chest, breathes heavily)

Eric: Hello.

[Cut to Jerry on the couch, now with Rachel, who is attempting to tutor him]

Rachel: Okay, Jerry, please get this one for the team, okay?

Jerry: Alright, ask me anything.

Rachel: What African nation abolished apartheid in 1986?

Jerry: (Seriously) Florida.

Eric: (Observing, nodding) That’s one right.

Jerry: How come you keep asking me all these history questions?

Rachel: (Looks at him in stupor) Because it’s your major you (begins hitting him with books) you dumb, dumb, dumbest person alive! (Stops the hitting)

Jack: No way this goon is gonna pass Feeny’s test. (Walks away)

Eric: (Looking at Rachel & Jerry, away from Jack) That’s great. Like, without, I don’t think we’re gonna have a prayer to… (Looks to Jack, who isn’t there) Now… Now you’re gone. Where did you go?

[Cut to payphone, which Jack is talking on]

Jack: Hey! Jack Hunter! I wanna place a little bet on the Pennbrook game. (Pause) Yeah, yeah, yeah, twelve-step program. I’m on the thirteenth step: relapse. (laughs) Just put me down for a dime on the Amish.

Eric: (Quickly approaches, takes phone from Jack’s hands) Excuse me.

Jack: Hey!

Eric: (Into phone) Hello, bookie?

Jack: (Tries to wrestle phone away) Hey, no, you don’t what you’re doing! You don’t know what you’re doing!!

Eric: Hey, excuse me! Excuse me! (Into phone) Hello, bookie? Hi, um, my name is Eric. I would also like to place a dime on the Amish. (Pause) Thank you very much. (Slams phone on receiver) Bam! I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know what I’m doing!? Huh? He just put me down for a dime, baby, I’m down for a dime!!

Jack: (Angrily) Do you know how much a dime is?

Eric: I know the lingo. A dime’s fourteen dollars and fifty cents.

Jack: (Briskly shakes head) A dime is a thousand dollars.

Eric: Wow. (Laughs, passes out)

[SCENE – Student Union. Cory enters, dressed as the Pennbrook penguin, except not wearing the head, but carrying it. Also, he is with a girl, Jonina, that isn’t Topanga.]

Cory: So, uh, you really think I was good?

Jonina: You were the best penguin ever.

Cory: But what about when I fell into the band and knocked over the tubas?

Jonina: (Excitedly) That was the best!

Cory: Really! She thinks I’m a good penguin! (Leans closely to Shawn & Angela, who are still making out in one of the student union chairs) Topanga would’ve thought it was wrong for me to fall into the tubas.

Shawn: (Separates from Angela) I’m busy here. (Resumes kissing)

Cory: Sorry. You’re doing a great job.

(Topanga enters, but stands in the doorway watching Cory with Jonina)

Jonina: (To Cory) Maybe after the big game you wanna see my dorm room.

Cory: Don’t all dorm rooms look the same? (Shawn, still kissing, kicks Cory’s penguin butt) (Realizes) Oh! (Chuckles) But… we really don’t know each other.

Jonina: That’s why you’re coming to my room.

[Cut to Topanga, still in the doorway, looking sad]

[SCENE – Continued from before, Cory and Jonina have exited. Topanga walks in and sits on the couch]

Topanga: (To Angela, who’s still kissing) Cory can do whatever he wants.

Angela: (While kissing Shawn) He is.

Topanga: (Unsure) If she’s what he wants, then… let him have her.

Angela: (Turns to face Topanga, Shawn kisses her neck and cheek) Your what he wants, and he’s what you want. (To Shawn) Shawn, Shawn, Shawn… (He separates and looks at her) Give me five minutes, and I swear I’ll make it up to you.

Shawn: (Nods) Okay. (To all) I haven’t had water for four days. (Walks away)

Angela: (Moves next to Topanga) Topanga, everybody you know has tried to help you. Cory went to Pittsburgh, he tried to get your parents back together. What do you want from him? You happy like this?

Topanga: I’ve never been so unhappy in my life. (Leans on Angela’s shoulder)

Angela: (Puts arm around Topanga, pats her shoulder reassuringly) I thought I was protecting Shawn by pushing him away, but I was only hurting us both. I’m back with him, now. (Looks to Shawn at the counter, who smiles at her) And I’m happier than ever. Except I could use some chap stick.

Topanga: Hm, here. (Takes a tube from her breast pocket) I have no use for it. (Angela takes it)

(Shawn approaches and Angela stands to face him. They swap what they have, chap stick for bottle of water, make use of them, and then immediately resume making out ferociously, and collapse back into their chair. Topanga exits. Eric enters clad in a bicycling outfit and riding a bike. He honks his horn twice. Jack has entered, as well.)

Eric: (To Jack in a horrible Italian accent) Oh! Ciao, bella! I like bike, I honkie da horn! (Honks horn three times rapidly)

Jack: (Inspecting the bike) Eric… This is like a five thousand dollar bike. We’re only gonna win a thousand.

Eric: (In accent) Oh no, that’s not right, my little Jacqueline.

Jack: (Aggravated) Eric?!

Eric: (In accent) No… My English is no so good I... I, how you say, I– (Jack quickly hits Eric in the side of the head, skewing his helmet) (In his regular voice) I called Danny. I placed a new bet. I bet four more dimes, we’re down for five large. (Holds up five fingers, looks at Jack proudly)

Jack: (Terrified) You called Danny?

Eric: (Nods) Yeah, what’s the big deal? I mean, you said it was a sure thing.

Jack: Ah-AH! There’s no such thing as a sure thing, I learned that in rehab!

Eric: (In accent) Then why I got the expensive bike? And the two-hundred-dollar panties with the cushions in the buttocks? Feel, it’s nice. (Jack slaps hand to forehead)

Jack: Alright, alright, alright. Y’know what, it’s probably gonna be okay, as long as Jerry doesn’t play.

Eric: He’s not gonna play.

Jack: Well, there is a way he could play.

Eric: (Overlaps Jack’s line) There’s no way he’s gonna play.

Jack: (Overlaps Eric’s line) The only way he could play…

Eric: (Overlaps Jack’s line) There’s the only way.

Jack: There is. What if Feeny goes soft, lets him play?

Eric: Oh, come on, Jack! It’s never gonna happen! I’ve know Feeny for, it’s gotta be… (mouths counting) Fifty-seven years now! He’s not gonna let him play! (Yelling) WHAT IF HE DOES!?

Jack: (Shrugs) Then we lose. We can’t pay the bookie.

Eric: (Tensely) And he’ll understand that.

Jack: Yeah, he’ll understand that. He’ll understand that when he’s looking at our thumbs in a jar.

Eric: He has a thumb jar? That seems odd…

[SCENE – Feeny’s classroom. Feeny is grading papers at his desk when Eric rides in on his bike, still dressed as a bicyclist, honking his horn. Eric stops next to Feeny’s desk.]

Feeny: Ah, the Tour de Idiot.

Eric: (in accent) Hi, I’m from Italy…

Feeny: (Interrupting) Shut up.

Eric: Alright, Jerry Mungo. I think you should pass him and let him play no matter how stupid he is.

Feeny: Eric, I’m gonna make this so simple that even you can understand it.

Eric: (Takes off sunglasses) (In a challenging tone) You can try.

Feeny: Because Jerry Mungo can score touchdowns, he’s been given a free ride through this university. I detest that.

Eric: Alright, so let me try to get this perfectly straight, you’re saying that if Jerry Mungo fails his test, there’s absolutely no way you’re gonna let him play.

Feeny: None whatsoever.

Eric: (Laughs like an elf – “Hee-hee”) (Suddenly serious again) What’s passing?

Feeny: Oh, that’s right, you wouldn’t know. Sixty-five.

Eric: What if he gets a sixty-four?

Feeny: Fails.

Eric: If he gets an eighty?

Feeny: Passes.

Eric: Forty-two?

Feeny: No good.

Eric: (Pause) Twenty?

Feeny: (Incredulously) Are you kidding me?

Eric: Sorry, sorry, sorry. (Suppresses laughter) (Pause) What if he gets a twenty?

Feeny: Focus, Mr. Matthews.

Eric: Okay, right, wait wait, so let me try to understand this. You care more about morals and ethics than you do about football?

Feeny: (Stands) That’s absolutely right.

Eric: Oh, fine!

Feeny: Fine.

Eric: Fine!

Feeny: Fine!

Eric: Fine!

Feeny: Fine!

Eric: Fine!

Feeny: (Irritated) I don’t want to play anymore!

Eric: Fine! I win. (Smiles sheepishly, puts his sunglasses back on) (Elvish “hee-hee” laugh again. Backs up his bike clumsily, Feeny turns and glares at him. The “hee-hee” laughing stops. Feeny looks away, it resumes. He looks back, it stops. Eric exits into the hallway on his bike, still laughing, where Jack is waiting)

Jack: Done?

Eric: Oh, we’re done. It’s in the bag, baby. (Removes sunglasses) There’s no way Feeny’s gonna let him play. I did it, I outsmarted Feeny, it feels so good!

Jack: Good for you, let’s go.

Eric: No, one more. I’m gonna do one more.

Jack: No, no. No, no. Eric, no.

Eric: I’m gonna do one more! I’m gonna do one more! Shh-shhhh!! Shh-shhh!!

Jack: Oh, boy…

[Cut to Feeny’s classroom, Eric reenters as before, honking horn. Feeny looks up with dread]

Eric: (Stopping at Feeny’s desk) Just remember something, Feeny. When Jerry Mungo fails his test, and that Amish horse-drawn buggy charges across our football field in victory, crushing the hearts of every student here at this university, you hold your head up high, Feeny. ‘Cause you held your “ethics” (does mocking, shaking motion), Feeny. (Sarcastically) Good for you. (Backs away with the elf laugh again, Feeny looks towards his desk wistfully)

[SCENE – Hallway before Topanga, Rachel, and Angela’s apartment. The elevator dings, then opens, revealing Jed and Rhiannon inside. Jed steps out, followed by Rhiannon.]

Rhiannon: Jed, there’s absolutely no reason to tell her this now.

Jed: (Facing door) She’s gonna find out eventually, it’s better for her to find out from me.

Rhiannon: (Sighs) This is not why we’re here. This is about Cory and Topanga, not about Topanga and you.

Jed: (Looks at Rhiannon) Hey, the only reason there’s trouble between Topanga and Cory is because she’s trying to save Cory from what happened to us. I wanna help her. (Looks back at the door)

Rhiannon: She’s not ready for this. (Shakes her head) You tell her you left me for someone else, she’ll hate you.

Jed: (Turns back to Rhiannon) No, she won’t. I’m her father, she loves me. (Rings the buzzer)

[Cut to later, in the apartment. Jed, sitting on the couch, has apparently just confessed to Topanga, who is standing over him. Rhiannon watches from the kitchen-area]

Topanga: (Holds up hand to Jed) Get out.

Jed: (Begging) Honey…

Topanga: (Steps away, still with her hand up) Get out!

Jed: (Stands) Topanga.

Topanga: (Into her mother’s arms) Go! (Hugs Rhiannon)

Jed: (Opens door, stands in doorway) (To Topanga, who’s still hugging Rhiannon) I love you, sweetie. I’m sorry. (Rhiannon stares icily, Jed exits)

Topanga: (Still hugging Rhiannon, crying) Mom, I’m so sorry. (Separates, still holding her, looks at her) Did you know?

Rhiannon: Yeah, honey, I knew. He was just so happy all the time.

Topanga: But why didn’t you tell me?

Rhiannon: Because that’s not what’s important.

Topanga: I don’t like him anymore. (Pulls away, paces to the couch)

Rhiannon: Neither do I. (Steps towards Topanga, who looks grumpy with her arms crossed) Except I do. And so do you, he’s your father, honey.

Topanga: (Sits) I hate him!

Rhiannon: (Sits) No, you don’t. You could never hate him. (Moves Topanga’s hair to the side and leans in) I would never want you to.

Topanga: (Stands, paces towards kitchen) How can you be so rational about this?

Rhiannon: Because after you cut his head out of all our photos and smash everything he owns and cry hysterically for three months… you eventually get to rational.

Topanga: Well I’m not rational.

Rhiannon: (Nods) That’s right. You’re not.

Topanga: What?

Rhiannon: (Stands, approaches Topanga) Honey, whatever happens between your father and me shouldn’t effect what happens between you and Cory.

Topanga: (Stunned) You’re unbelievable. All of this is happening to you and all you can think about is me.

Rhiannon: Well, I may not be a wife anymore, but… (sighs) I’m your mother.

Topanga: (Breaks away, paces back towards the couch) I don’t ever want Cory and I to hurt each other like you and dad.

Rhiannon: The hell with me and dad! (Walks towards Topanga) This isn’t about us, anymore, this is about you and Cory. (Holds Topanga’s crossed arms) And what you and Cory have, it’s… It’s rare and real and good and true. Why would you want to throw that away?

Topanga: Because I’m scared.

Rhiannon: Why?

Topanga: Because of you! You scared me, I thought you two were happy! (Again, walks away towards the kitchen, but stops and turns to face Rhiannon)

Rhiannon: Honey! Honey, we were. And now we’re not, but listen to me: I would never trade what I had with your father, even if I knew it wasn’t going to last forever.

Topanga: (Quietly surprised) You wouldn’t?

Rhiannon: Never. (Topanga looks stunned) (Sits with her daughter) Are you gonna give up Cory because you’re afraid of what might happen in the future? Or are you going to have the courage to marry him and find out?

[SCENE – Student Union, there’s another pep rally, but this one’s right before game time. The band is playing a songs, while a wild crowd cheers, filling the room. They’re waving pennants and pom-poms and cheering for the Pennbrook penguin, who is dancing before them. Jonina approaches the penguin.]

Jonina: (Seductively touching the penguin’s beak) Remember, my room after the game. (The penguin salutes exaggeratedly, then continues dancing)

[Cut to Eric & Jack, dressed in their cheerleading uniforms]

Eric: (Nervously) So Jack, it’s getting a little late, don’t you think should’ve announced he’s not playing by now?

(Enter Feeny, who pushes through the crowd)

Jack: Ooh-ooh, here comes Mr. Party Pooper now.

Eric: (To crowd) Okay, everybody, quiet! Can I get some quiet please?! (Feeny climbs onto the stage, the crowd quiets) I believe that Mr. Feeny is about to announce some, well, bad news.

Feeny: As some of you are aware, there have been rumors regarding whether or not our star player would actually be playing today. And I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Jack & Eric: (Mock disappointment) Aw… Bad news… (To each other, excitedly) Yes!

Feeny: (To crowd) Bad news… for the Amish! I give you our starting tailback: Jerry Mungo! (Jerry in his football uniform, with Rachel as a cheerleading, make their way on stage while Eric and Jack yell “Jerry’s playing!” Over and over again. The crowd goes nuts.)

Eric: (Angrily) Jerry’s playing! (Walks over to Feeny on the side) Mr. Feeny, how could he pass, he dumber than me, how could he pass?!

Jack: Feeny. (Through gritted teeth) What happened?!

Feeny: (Points to Eric) He happened!

Jack & Eric: Huh?

Feeny: That last thing you said to me in my office made me think.

Jack: (Threateningly to Eric, makes fists) You had to go back in there…

Eric: (Meagerly) Don’t hate me…

Feeny: Was I so focused on academia, that I forgot about school spirit?

Jack & Eric: No! No no no no no no no no!

Feeny: Yes! So I took on the ultimate challenge. Could I take somebody actually dumber than you, (points to Eric) and in only 24 hours raise him to his highest possible level?

Eric: (In angry disbelief) And you did?!

Feeny: (Takes a paper from his jacket and shoves it to Jack and Eric) Sixty-five, baby! (Upon seeing the paper, Jack struggles to breathe and Eric mutters something incoherent) Come on, boys. Let’s go kick some Amish butt, huh? (Pats Eric’s arm as he walks away)

Jack: You k*lled us, genious. (Walks away)

Eric: (Follows Jack, stopping him) No, no, Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack! No, no, no, no, no, listen to me! (Explaining carefully) Bookies take so many bets they’re probably not even thinking about ours.

Jack: (flashes an ersatz smile) Yeah, you’re probably right. (Gives thumbs up)

Eric: (As two thugs in black enter from behind him, he smiles widely and shakes his head) I’m not right, like

, at all, am I?

Jack: (Weeping) No, no, no…Eric: (Turns to the thugs) Hello, two very large men! I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure. (Holds out his hand to shake)

Thug 1: Danny sent us. (Jack hangs his head) See, the bookies had a little convention, and you two were voted most likely to lose and run like the wind.

Eric: (Still watching the thugs) Did you see that Jack? They’re not here to hurt us. They want to give us a plaque!

Jack: (Raspy) …run! (They run into the crowd. Thug 1 points and Thug 2 follows then, with Thug 1 behind him)

[Cut to Topanga, searching through the crowd. She finds the penguin mascot dancing, and gently touches his shoulder. He turns to look at her]

Topanga: Don’t say anything. Just hold me. (Hugs the penguin. His hand, covered by the wing of the outfit, gently slides down her back to her butt cheek. Suddenly, Cory is in the doorway and Topanga sees him) (Outraged) Hey! (Punches the penguin, who folds like tissue paper) (To Cory) Why aren’t you the penguin?

Cory: (Walks over) I fell on the tubas. (Shrugs) I tore cartilage doing the igloo dance. I mean, you were right, Topanga, I… I made a terrible penguin. I mean, nobody knows me better than you do.

Topanga: Nobody knows me better than you.

Cory: But it doesn’t matter, right?

Topanga: You mean everything to me.

Cory: Because you and I, we’re never gonna be together again.

Topanga: I wanna be with you forever.

Cory: But it’s okay. Y’know, I’ve accepted it. I’m ready to move on.

Topanga: I love you. I want to be your wife.

Cory: (Takes her hand) So I guess you and I are officially over. Goodbye, Topanga. (Tries to step away, but Topanga intentionally steps on his foot so they both fall down at the feet of the crowd, her on top of him) Ah-ow! Ah! (Once they’ve fallen) This is new.

Topanga: (Moves to her side, so she’s simply leaning on him instead of laying on him) Cory, if something bad happens to us someday, it could never change what we have now. What we’ve always had, because you’re right, Cory. Love is real, and we have to do everything we can to keep it alive.

Cory: Well, you really haven’t been doing that, dear.

Topanga: What can I do to make it up to you?

Cory: You could move your knee.

Topanga: (Shrugs and smiles sheepishly) Sorry. Wherever life takes us, I want it to be with you. Forever. Or until tomorrow. (They being to kiss passionately)

[Cut back to the stage, where Rachel is revving up with crowd with a megaphone]

Rachel: (To crowd) It’s time to stick it to the Amish! (Pumps pom-pom in the air)

(The whole crowd cheers, then begins to file out with the cheerleaders, football players, and the band. As the room empties, we see Cory and Topanga making out on the floor, while Shawn and Angela make out in their chair. People are nonchalantly stepping over Cory and Topanga to exit. Finally, the room empties, leaving Cory & Topanga, Shawn & Angela, and confetti and whatnot all over the floor.)

[TAG – Inside an Amish horse-drawn buggy, presumably somewhere amongst the Pennsylvania Dutch. Eric and Jack are driving it, sporting outfits and facial hair befitting of their setting.]

Jack: (As horses stop) Whoa! (To his buddy, scolding) Eric, you’ve got to stop groping the women when they’re churning butter.

Eric: But I love dairy. And I think I’m falling hard for Anna Neuindike. Tried to talk to her but she shunned me.

Jack: She hit you with a rake.

Eric: Her brothers pummeled me. How long do you think we have to hang out here?

Jack: Forty, fifty years. Everybody should be dead.

Eric: Y’know something, Jack, maybe it’s not such a bad thing. I mean, nobody here knows who I am. It’s a fresh start. Maybe if I don’t screw up, I could have a good life here.

Jack: (Gesturing off screen) Hey, isn’t that that girl you were just talking about?

Eric: Oh, yes. (Shouting off screen) Anna Neuindike! I wish to make out with thee! (A pitchfork flies by, and Eric catches it in midair) (Amazed) See the arm on her?

Jack: (Freaked out) They’re chuckin’ pitchforks! Let’s go! (Urges horse onward with reigns)

Eric: Alright, let’s go, let’s go. (Shouting out) I thought you were a peaceful people!