07x11 - What a Drag!

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TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: Whenever Eric and Jack are acting as Chantal and Lala, they will be referred to as such.

Opening Credits

[SCENE – Student Union after hours. Jack is standing around, bored, while Eric gives the cash register a spit shine when the front doors are jimmied open, Eric and Jack hide, not being seen by the intruders. The intruders wheel in a few large speakers. The leader of their g*ng is Crazy Luther]

Luther: (To one of his thugs) Sup, how many are we expectin’?

Thug: Put out over three thousand fires, we’re expectin’ a big crowd tonight, Luther.

Luther: (Sits on the pool table) Big crowd, big money. Lot’s of beautiful women… and none of it’s legal. Excellent.

[Cut to Eric and Jack, hiding behind the cooler up front, surveying the whole scene before them]

Eric: (To Jack) Dude, this must be that floating rave the school’s been trying to bust. (Pulls Jack aside, completely hidden behind the counter) You think we should call the cops?

Jack: (Holds Eric’s head) Are you nuts? That’s crazy Luther Montolfo, he’s insane.

Eric: Crazy Luther? The guy who sells stereo products at low, low prices?

Jack: (Vaguely smiling) No. Crazy Luther who chewed off his own brother’s finger. Don’t go near this guy, man, he’s psycho!

Eric: Yeah, but think about it. We turn him in, we’re heroes.

Jack: That would look good on my resume. (Smiles, daydreaming) Get a new job, buy a beautiful house, and hire a security guard to sh**t you on sight if you ever come near my property…

Eric: That sounds a little hostile, but I wish you well.

Jack: Aw, now I feel bad.

Eric: (Emotionally) Aw… (They hug) (Whispering) Now, let’s go… go! (Jack moves away, crouching)

[Cut to later. Jack and Eric have confronted Luther, and are staring him down as he is being held by two police officers]

Eric: That’s right, we dropped the dime. (Jack is poking his shoulder) We nine-one-oned your hoodlum butt!

Jack: (Puts his arm around Eric, right into Eric’s ear) Are you crazy?

Eric: (Still looking at Luther) No, no, he’s crazy. (Mocking) He’s crazy Luther! (Steps forward) Not so tough, now, are ya? You wanna chew these off? (Waves fingers in Luther’s face) Come on, you wanna chew ‘em off? (Laughs callously, Luther grins evilly)

Jack: (To Eric) Alright, now he’s smiling at you.

Eric: You know what, let him smile. We’re never gonna see this guy again! He just threw a rave in the Student Union, he is SO EXPELLED! (Points forcefully)

Jack: Eric, he didn’t throw the rave. Remember, we turned him in before he could do anything illegal?

Eric: (Turns to face back, back to Luther and the cops) Oh, come on, now, Jack, now, see, if that were the case, then the cops would have absolutely no reason to hold him. They’d have to let him go! (Luther defiantly waves his arms free from the cops’ grasps. The cops exit, and Luther stares, looking intimidating) (Still to Jack) They’d have to let ‘em all go! (Turns around to see the now-free Luther’s thugs enter en masse behind their leader) (Eric grins, terrified)

Luther: I’m not gonna k*ll you today. (Paces towards Eric and Jack)

Eric: You’re not?

Luther: Naw… I’m gonna let you go home and think you’re safe. And when you think you are… you’re not. Enjoy what’s left of your life, boys. (Exits, pointing towards door. His thugs follow him)

Eric: (To Jack, short of breath, looks horrified) What’s gonna happen?

Jack: (Like Eric, looks horrified) He’s gonna k*ll us.

[SCENE – Jack, Eric, and Shawn’s apartment. Shawn is making a sandwich when Jack quickly enters, obviously scared, and slams the door shut, holding it there behind him. Jack quickly lock the door, then looks around]

Jack: Where’s Eric? Did Luther come here? (Weepy, walks towards Shawn) He got him, didn’t he? Eric’s gone! Oh no! (Cries on Shawn’s shoulder) Oh, poor Eric. (Moves head up, so he’s only leaning on Shawn) He was so young and stupid.

Shawn: Eric’s okay.

Jack: (Suddenly cheerfully) Oh, good. (Pats Shawn) Great. (Begins pacing away) Well he’s not gonna be okay for long if we don’t come up with a plan. We gotta come up with something that is very smart.

[Enter Eric from the bedrooms, dressed as a revolting woman in a red dress. Eric starts towards the front of the apartment]

Jack: Not that!

Eric: (Stops at the top of the stairs) Alright, here’s what we’re gonna do. (Walks down stairs)

Jack: No. No, no, no, Eric, you can do that, I’d rather die.

Eric: Fine. Die. After your funeral, I’m goin’ shopping. (Turns to Shawn) How do I look, babe?

Shawn: (Surveys Eric) Yes on the dress, no on the face.

Eric: What, too much makeup?

Shawn: Too much ugly.

Jack: (Angrily) ERIC!

Eric: (Turns to Jack) Hey, whoa, whoa… (Pointing) It’s not Eric. Don’t call me Eric. Don’t ever call me Eric again!

Shawn: So, who are you?

Eric: (Turns to Shawn) I dunno, yet. Let’s see, I’m, uh… (In deep voice with an eastern-European, Schwarzenegger-ish accent) My name is Olga Svetlana. I’m a sh*t-put champion. I don’t shave my armpits. (Turns to Shawn, seeking approval)

Shawn: Eric, you need to find your own inner woman.

Eric: (To self, pacing) Inner woman… Discover my chick-ness… (Looks in mirror, making attempted sexy faces, brushing back his wig hair, and licking his lipstick-covered lips) (In French Accent) Chantal… Chantal DuBois… (In the mirror, we can see Shawn smiling and nodding) I’m a little French girl… (Turns to Jack and Shawn) And I’m very shy. (Grins femininely)

Shawn: (In French) Enchanté, Chantal… (Gentlemanly, takes Eric’s hand)

Chantal: (In French) Enchanté… (giggles) (Looks to Jack, pointing. As himself) Now, you. (Pulls a light brown wig out of his shopping bag) You’re Lala Nelson. You’re a trollop, former drug addict. (Presses wig to Jack’s chest)

Jack: No! No, there’s no way I’m doing this, alright? Can we just leave town?

Eric: We can’t leave town, we got midterms all week!

Jack: (Pause, realizing it’s the only way) No! No, I’m a man! And I’m staying a man! And I’m facing him like a man! (There’s a knock at the door, he screams girlishly) Aahhh! (Hides behind Eric and Shawn)

[SCENE – Cory and Topanga’s apartment. Cory, by himself, is painting the whole apartment a very bright yellow with a roller while singing]

Cory: (Singing) My favorite color’s yellow! I’m such a happy fellow! It makes me jiggle like Jell-O! (Topanga enters, Cory look at her) Hello. (Topanga looks grossed out by the color) Who’s the most wonderful husband there is? (Hops off his ladder)

Topanga: (Masking her hatred for the new look with a smile, slowly shutting the door) What… did… you do?

Cory: (Completely oblivious to how Topanga feels) Go ahead, put on something sexy and thank me.

Topanga: (Looks around, speaks slowly) You, uh… You chose yellow…

Cory: And not just any yellow, baby, okay? This is the same yellow that they use to paint those lines in the street. (Motions arm back and forth, as though providing clarity) Huh? How about that?

Topanga: (Less than happy, but hiding it) How… ‘bout… that…

Cory: (Grabs a bucket) Look at this, three ninety-nine a bucket, same as the city pays.

Topanga: You’ve really worked hard on this, haven’t you?

Cory: I have. Because, y’know, once we decided that we were gonna fix this place up, I really wanted to put my hear and soul into it, y’know? I mean, I want you to be happy here, Topanga.

Topanga: (Uncomfortably) I want me to be happy here, too.

Cory: Right! Well, I’ve got a lot of ideas. (Resumes painting)

Topanga: Let’s talk about them!

Cory: No, (Faces Topanga) I wanna surprise you.

Topanga: Mmmm…

Cory: I mean, that look on your face when you walked in meant so much to me, Topanga.

Topanga: This look? (Shows a huge, obviously fake, smile)

Cory: (Excitedly) Yes! (Topanga nods) Yes! I’ve never seen you look like that before! (Topanga, smiling, nods) I mean, it makes me want to surprise you every day for the rest of our lives.

Topanga: How long do you think that’ll be?

Cory: (Sitting next to Topanga, shrugs) I dunno. It’s a surprise. (Kisses Topanga’s cheek, hands her a roller, then heads for the door)

Topanga: Where are you going now?

Cory: (Shrugs as if to say “of course!”) Corkworld! (Exits)

[SCENE – Student Union, Eric enters as Chantal, meaning he does everything femininely and speak with a high voice and French accent]

Chantal: (To room) Bonjour! (Luther and his thugs at the pool table are stunned by Chantal’s ugliness) You see, Lala? You see how simple it is? (Notices Jack isn’t behind him) Lala? (Moves towards the door) Where did she go… (Giggles) (Opens door and calls out) Lala, girlfriend! I believe it’s time for you to make your debut.

(Jack, as Lala, who speaks in a high voice, enters cautiously. He makes a slightly more attractive woman than Eric. Jack moves close to Eric, so no one can hear him)

Jack: This is crazy, Eric.

Eric: It’s not crazy, and don’t call me Eric, Ja… (sees Luther approaching) Shh!

Luther: How ya doin’?

Jack: How ya doin’? (Realizes, goes into Eric’s arms)

Chantal: This is my friend Lala, she too shy.

Luther: Yeah, well, I want to talk to just her. Okay?

Chantal: You do not with to talk to me?

Luther: No.

Feeny: (Pops out of nowhere) I, however, do wish to talk to you.

Chantal: Ooh! It’s monsieur Feeny! (giggles, tries to get away, but Jack holds him there) Don’t be a butt-inski, it’s a very long story, you would not figure it out!

Feeny: What’s to figure? (Gestures to Jack) He’s pretty and you look like a bison.

Chantal: (Hurt) What?

Feeny: (Noticing Eric’s fake boobs) Hm… Double D’s, just like your grades. (Exits)

(Sadly, Eric, as Chantal, wanders towards the couch with Jack, as Lala, behind him)

Chantal: I look like a bison?

Jack: No, no, he was just saying that, really don’t take it so hard!

Chantal: How can I not take it hard? I see all the men look at me and point at me and avert their eyes and choke back their vomit!

Jack: (Trying to be quiet) Dude! Dude! Keep it down, alright?

Chantal: No! NO! (Trembling) I… am butt-ugly!! (Cries, Jack pats his back) No, don’t look at me, Lala, just let me die here! (Cries)

Lala: Okay, whatever…

Chantal: I swear, Lala, I don’t know how much more of zis I can take. (As he turns around, he burps. But he is suddenly facing Luther, who’s waving away the smell) Ooh!

Luther: Damn!

Chantal: (Jack is patting his back) ‘Scuse me! It must have been ze bad crepe! (Exits weeping)

Luther: (Hands Jack, as Lala, a flower) So. You gotta boyfriend?

Lala: (Panicked, turns away) Positively not.

Luther: You want one?

Lala: (More panicked) Positively not! (Luther sits them both on the couch) Oh…

Luther: Come on, Lala. I’ll take you places you’ve never been before.

Lala: (Laughing for real, but makes it sound feminine) Whoo-hoo-hoo! I’ll bet you’ve never been there before, either! Oo-hoo! (Taps the flower nervously) Oo, boy…

[Cut to another part of the Student Union, where Topanga is sitting. Cory runs up, carry a huge cork table with many a cork product on it.]

Cory: (Muffled, because he has a ruler in his mouth) (Excitedly) Fofanga! Fofanga! (Puts down table, takes the ruler out of his mouth) You are not gonna believe this one. Corkworld is going out of business! Can you believe that?

Topanga: (Looking not quite enthused, also perplexed) What?

Cory: (In agreement) Yeah! I bought everything they had! Look, at this! (Taps table) This is a cork coffee table! Do you realize the money we are gonna save on coasters?

Topanga: What if I want coasters?

Cory: (Holds some up, really energized) Got ‘em anyway!

Topanga: (Fakes laughing) Oh… (Cory gets up to leave) Wait, where are you going now?

Cory: (Holding the table) Topanga, I just bought two tons of cork, where do you think I’m going?

Topanga: I wouldn’t know!

Cory: Wrong! Thumbtack City. (Smiles, exits)

Topanga: (Puts down book) (Trying to convince herself) You love him. (Gets up, goes to the counter) Just remember you love him, do not forget you love him. (Passes Eric, as Chantal, moping at a table)

Chantal: At least he still finds you attractive.

Topanga: (Turns to Eric) ‘Scuse me?

Chantal: I just don’t think that ze way a person looks should make zem ze object of ridicule! (Cries into a handkerchief)

Topanga: (In pity, touches Eric’s shoulder) Aww… (Eric looks up, Topanga recoils) Aye-yi…

[Cut back to Luther and Jack, as Lala]

Luther: Come on, (Stands, takes Jack’s hand) Let’s go somewhere more private.

Lala: (Stands) Oh, no! No! No, we must get off this crazy train!

Luther: (Happily) Yeah, lets get crazy. (Puts his arm around Jack) Come on, I’m taking you to dinner.

Lala: (Worried) Oh, dear… Oh… (As they pass Eric) (as himself) He thinks I’m pretty, and he’s taking me out.

Chantal: Oh, sure, rub it in! (Jack and Luther exit) And who’s gonna take me out, the zoo-keeper?

[SCENE – Outside the Student Union. Topanga sits at a table by herself, reading a book. Cory approaches]

Cory: Topanga! Topanga, you have to come back to the apartment and see what I did.

Topanga: (Chuckling) No, I don’t need to see it.

Cory: (Sits) No, you do. You have to see it. Because after the yellow and the cork, I had an idea.

Topanga: (Stalling) I’m sure it’s beautiful.

Cory: It is. It was my best idea yet. You want me to tell you?

Topanga: I’m sure I’ll see it.

Cory: Now?

Topanga: (Quickly) No.

Cory: When?

Topanga: Ah, someday.

Cory: Okay. (Stands) Okay, I’m gonna go back and finish it up. (Kisses her forehead)

Topanga: Okay… have fun…

Cory: Can’t wait for you to see it.

Topanga: (Smiling) Aww… (Cory exits, Topanga’s smile fades into a look of discontent)

(Enter Eric, as Chantal, crying into a handkerchief. Eric sits next to Topanga)

Topanga: Are you alright?

Chantal: No, Topanga, I’m not.

Topanga: I’m sorry, do we know each other?

Chantal: Oh, you’re Topanga. Everyone knows you, you’re beautiful. You have a wonderful husband who loves you. (Cries) And I’ll never have a husband because I’m a shy, ugly little French girl! (Lowers head, still crying. Topanga looks a bit scared)

Topanga: (Puts her hand on Eric’s knee) No, no you’re not.

Chantal: (Looks up briskly, panting) Really?

Topanga: (Instead of answering, flashes that fake smile that Cory likes, then laughs) Look, we all have our problems. I mean my husband who loves me also…

Chantal: (Interrupting) Corky?

Topanga: (Smiles, corrects her) Cory. Our house is corky. (Smiles) And yellow. And I really don’t like it at all, but I don’t have the heart to tell him.

Chantal: Oh, but you should.

Topanga: I should?

Chantal: Yes, he would not want to do anything that would make you unhappy.

Topanga: But he’s so excited.

Chantal: But what would make him really excited is to do something that would make you happy…

Topanga: You think?

Chantal: Do you love him?

Topanga: (Smiles) More than anything.

Chantal: Does he love you?

Topanga: For our whole lives.

Chantal: (Smiling) Then trust him. It will all work out okay.

Topanga: (Gratefully) Thank you. Thank you for caring.

Chantal: Well, you seem like such a nice girl.

Topanga: So do you.

Chantal: Chantal DuBois. (They shake hands)

Topanga: (While shaking) Ow! (Giggling to hide the pains, rubs her hand) Well, it’s nice to meet a new friend, Chantal. Especially one with such a beautiful spirit.

Chantal: (Looks up desperately) Did… Did you just say… that I was beautiful?

Topanga: (Long pause, smiles uncertainly) Yeah, I did. And I meant it. You are beautiful.

Chantal: (Almost crying) I am?

Topanga: (Nodding, jittery) …yeah… Maybe we could be friends?

Chantal: (Happily, weeping) Oh, we would be such great friends! But I’m sorry, I can’t. (Taps Topanga’s arm friendly, but hurt her)

Topanga: Ow… Uh, why not?

Chantal: Because soon I will be gone.

Topanga: Gone where?

Chantal: (Breathing hard, almost crying) Well, either back to France… Or k*lled by Crazy Luther! (Cries)

Topanga: The stereo guy?

Chantal: No, the guy who bites off ze fingers. (Waves fingers)

Topanga: (Understandingly) Oh…

Chantal: Oh, but before I go… I just want to thank you so much for… (breaks into crying, hugs Topanga.

Topanga: (While being hugged) Au revoir, Chantal.

Chantal: (While hugging) I don’t know what that means, but good bye.

Topanga: Good bye.

(Eric turns away, but drops his handkerchief. When he bends down to pick it up, he gives Topanga and the audience an all-too-revealing looking of his undergarments. Topanga quickly tries to brush Eric’s skirt over it. Eric leaves, Topanga has a “what the hell…?” expression on her face)

[SCENE – The Student Union, Luther enters with Jack, as Lala.]

Lala: (Giggling) Ooh-hoo-hoo. (He and Luther sit on the couch) Woo! (Luther moves closer)

Luther: So I bought you dinner and shoes. Comin’ back to my place or not?

Lala: (Appalled) No! You think you think you can buy me for a pair of sling backs?

Luther: Then what’ll it take?

Lala: (Thinks) Well… some hockey sticks, and, uh… baseball cleats and what kind of care do you drive?

Luther: ’89 Firebird T-Top.

Lala: I’d want that.

Luther: You ain’t getting that!

Lala: Then you ain’t getting nothing! (Snaps fingers)

Luther: (Stands) Fine! You’re nothing but a big distraction, anyway!

Lala: (Stands, puzzled) Distraction? From what?

Luther: From k*lling those two idiots. I’m gonna get a couple of my boys, and I’m gonna pound those two. Thanks to you, I’m very frustrated.

Lala: (Diverting him) Oh, oh! (Sits him down) I wouldn’t want to be responsible for any v*olence. What does v*olence solve?

Luther: It solves that I’m not disrespected in front of my boys. I will not be made to look the fool.

Lala: Oh, I see, you don’t wanna be embarrassed in front of your pals. (Smiles)

Luther: That’s right.

Lala: Well, when Lala hears all that he-man talk, gets her feeling a little… (leans in suggestively) snuggly.

Luther: It does?

Lala: (Puts finger to mouth, all cutesy) Uh-huh. (Calling to Eric, who’s sitting at a table in the back) Oh, Chantal! (Waves to her) Ooh! (Eric looks confused) Look at us! Aren’t we just pretty as a picture! Get a camera! Go get a camera! (Eric quickly wanders away)

Luther: A camera?

Lala: Oh yes, yes, I just love taking pictures. Don’t you? (Puts finger to mouth sexily again)

Luther: Whatever turns you on, baby.

(Eric, as Chantal, arrives with camera in hand)

Lala: Ooh! Chantal!

Chantal: Hello!

Lala: Let’s take a picture of Luther and I documenting out pash-i-on. (sexy finger/mouth thing again)

Chantal: Why?

Lala: (Becoming frustrated with Eric’s stupidity) Because Luther values his reputation more than anything and I’m sure his friends would just love to see a picture of him and me!

Eric: (Quietly, leans in close so Luther can’t here) Dud, you’re not even really a…

Lala: (Interrupting, angrily) Just take the picture!

Chantal: ‘Kay!

Lala: (Turns to Luther) Okay, now, uh… pucker your lips and close your eye and you will get a big surprise. (Laughing girlishly) Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! (Luther does so, Jack removes his wig and makes a flexing pose next to Luther’s kissy face. Eric takes the picture) (Without his wig on) Okay, now open your eyes! (In normal voice) How ya doin’?

Luther: (Terrified) Ahhh!!

Jack: Let’s discuss your reputation, pal.

Luther: (Pointing) It’s you!

Eric: (Now sitting on the other side of Luther, removes wig) Hello!

Luther: (Looks back and forth between them) It’s both of you! I’ll k*ll you both!

Eric: I don’t think so, Luther.

Jack: (Holding up picture) Yeah, you see this right here? You even look at us wrong again, this picture is going on the school webpage. (Luther snatches at it and misses. Jack then stands as he hides the picture in his fake cleavage. Luther stands and attempts to fish it out, but Eric also stands and takes another picture, smugly removing it from his camera)

Eric: Ding!

Luther: (To Jack) Fine. I won’t look at you wrong. (To Eric, who has put his wig back on) I won’t look at you at all.

Chantal: Oh yeah? Well I’m beautiful on the inside, and on ze inside you’re a pig! (Luther exits, Eric does a little butt-bumping celebration dance, but Jack won’t join in)

Jack: Man, I cannot wait to go home and get out of these clothes! (Eric, as Chantal, does “sexy” poses) Eric?

Chantal: Never feel so alive in my whole life, I just want to – umf! (Continues doing “sexy” poses)

[SCENE – Hallway outside Cory & Topanga’s apartment. Topanga stands there, practicing what she’s gonna say to Cory, before she enters]

Topanga: Cory, I just want you to know that I love you and no matter what you did to the apartment, it’s fine with me. (Unsatisfied) Uck! (Enters the apartment) Cory, I just… (Realizes the apartment is a beautiful light blue instead of the horrible yellow, and wonderfully furnished not with cork) What did you do?

Cory: (Sitting on the yellow couch, closes magazine) Y’know, you keep saying that…

Topanga: (Stunned) It’s beautiful!

Cory: (Stands) Oh, what? It wasn’t beautiful before?

Topanga: No. Actually, it was hideous.

Cory: So why didn’t you tell me?

Topanga: Because I know you. I know how much work you put into this and I didn’t want to make you feel bad.

Cory: Well, Topanga, I know you, too. (They both sit on the couch) Okay, I’ve known you all my life and I know you didn’t like what I was doing so I changed it.

Topanga: (Happily) Well, I love it now! Show me what else you’ve done! (Gets up and goes into the bedroom)

Cory: (Stands, follows Topanga about halfway) Well, I’m glad you love it, Topanga. And if there’s ever something I do that you don’t love, all you have to do is tell me. I mean, it’s not like it’s gonna hurt the marriage, here. (Walks back towards the couch) We’re a team, y’know? And if you don’t like something, Topanga, than I don’t like something. (Falls onto the couch)

Topanga: (Reenters) I don’t like the mirror over the bed.

Cory: (Points) Tough! (Topanga jumps on him playfully)

[SCENE – The Student Union. Shawn and Jack, who is dressed normally, are playing pool]

Jack: (With a tough-guy Brookly accent) Alright, we the got the three ball in the side pocket, hm? (sh**t it in, Shawn is glaring at him) What?

Shawn: Why are you talking like that?

Jack: (Same accent) What do you mean, I’m a man, alright? (Circles the pool table) This is how a man talks! This is how a man dresses. (Strokes his sweater) (Exaggerates this loping stride) This! Is how a man walks! And this right here… (lines up a sh*t on the table) is how a man sh**t stick, huh? (Makes a sh*t)

Shawn: (Unimpressed) Jack, you’re overcompensating.

Jack: (To a random guy walking by, in the accent) Hey, what’re you looking at? You lookin’ at me? You wanna piece of me, my friend? Get out of my eyesight!

Shawn: Man! I bet Eric’s readjusting to his manhood better than you.

(Enter Eric as Chantal)

Chantal: (Greeting the room) ‘Allo!

Shawn: Maybe not.

Chantal: (To Jack and Eric) Hello, you two boys. (Walks up to the pool table) Oh, it’s such a beautiful day outside, but not nearly as beautiful as me on the inside.

Jack: (Normal voice) Eric? We’re in the clear! You don’t have to be a woman anymore.

Chantal: Oh, I know, but see, I just discovered how beautiful I was, so I’ve decided to stay like zees forever! So satisfying and rewarding to be in touch with one’s feminine side… (Smiles girlishly, a hot girl walks by) (As Eric) Now I’m gonna get in touch with her feminine side, so, ‘scuse me! (As Chantal, calling after the girl) ‘Allo! ‘Ello, we can be best friends! (As Eric, still calling) Oh, come on, everyone experiments in college! (gestures to his outfit)

[Cut to Shawn, trying to not laugh, and Jack looking solemn]

-End-