Don't Legalize It (2014)

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Trailer Park Boys". Aired: April 2001 to present.
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Ricky and Julian are two guys whose lives were shaped by their experiences growing up in the Trailer Park. Their childhood was typical of most trailer park kids: stealing, fighting, smoking, drinking, scamming and listening to Van Halen.
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Don't Legalize It (2014)

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ I was out on the West Coast
tryin' to make a buck ♪

♪ And things didn't work
out I was down on my luck ♪

♪ Got tired a-roamin'
and bummin' around ♪

♪ So I started thumbin' back
east toward my hometown ♪

♪ Made a lot of miles
the first two days ♪

♪ And I figured I'd be home in
week if my luck held out this way ♪

♪ But the third night I got
stranded way out of town ♪

♪ At a cold lonely crossroads
rain was pourin' down ♪

♪ I was hungry and freezin'
done caught a chill ♪

♪ When the lights of a
big semi topped the hill ♪

♪ Lord I sure was glad to
hear them air brakes come on ♪

♪ And I climbed in that cab ♪

♪ Where I knew it'd be warm ♪

♪ At the wheel sit a big man
he weighed about two-ten ♪

♪ He stuck out his hand
and said with a grin ♪

♪ Big Joe's the name
I told him mine ♪

♪ And he said the name of
my rig is Phantom ♪

You okay man?

♪ I asked him why he
called his rig such a name ♪

- Mr. Green!
- Hey, what's up? What's up?

Good to see you, candy
man. What's up, Hydro?

It's been a minute, dawg.
What's up with y'all?

Sorry about the circumstances
and all that, right? Sayin'.

Yo, what's up with T man?

Man, T at a halfway house,
y'all. But he gonna be here.

What the f*ck are you doing here?

- I invited myself.
- Yeah? Well, f*cking get him out of here.

You couldn't wear a f*cking
shirt to a funeral, Randy?

I got the keys. Just take it easy,

- the transmission's slipping.
- Okay.

I'll pick it up after work.

- Do you mind putting some gas in it?
- Sure.

How's the mall, George?

- Good.
- I got some good dope for you,

- I'll bring it by after work.
- Thanks, Ricky.

Good to see you, Julian.

We're not friends, we're business
partners. Don't forget it.

Okay, tough guy.

We've got the buyers in Montreal,
everything's set, bring all you can bring.

Alright, cool.

Did you hear that?

The cops threw the old
man out of the dump,

so he moved to the g*dd*mn parking
lot of the old Zellers downtown.

He was selling hotdogs and
drinking. He was there almost a year.

He wouldn't listen to anybody.

I f*cking warned him
about the propane.

Last Monday at a.m., there
was a great big expl*si*n.

Some bums witnessed it,
said Ray was down there.

f*cking drunk, smoking cigarettes.

Trying to steal propane for his grill
and that was it, f*cking ka-blamo.

f*ck, he blew himself up.


Sad like a f*ck
too, ain't it?

I was down with Ray, dawg.

I loved that old white boy.

Over this way, please. Everybody
gather around over here.

Get the f*ck out of the way.

Thanks for coming today, everyone.

We're gathered here
today at Ray's sanctuary.

This is a place that most of us
would... rightly call the dump.

But not Ray.

For Ray, this was like
his personal paradise.



We're here today to remember Ray, and
all of the things that he taught us.

To celebrate what a
wonderful man he was.

He wasn't wonderful, he was shitty.

Maybe the shittiest man
there ever was, ever will be.

You better shut your
f*cking mouth right now.

g*dd*mn right, you
bald-headed, bespectacled b*tch!

It's a funeral, f*ck!

I'm gonna slap the white
boy out your mouths!

You don't disrespect a f*ck
like that at his own funeral!

- Jamie...
- What the f*ck's wrong with you, b*tch?

You too Randy, get the f*ck back,
f*cking Simon Cowell with titties!

You're out of f*cking
line right now.

Sorry, Julian.

My apologies, everyone.


Can you please just f*cking leave?

- How could you say that?
- Randy, Ray isn't d*ad.

Piss still flows in the jug, bud.

Come on, Randy.

- How could you say that?
- Rand...

Instant karla, f*ck!


- Jesus Christ, Ricky!
- f*cking assh*le.

Ricky get up. Ricky...

f*cking drunk, Bubbs.

My dad was the...

It's okay, Ricky.

Bubbs, can you f*cking
read this for me?

Yeah, Ricky. It's okay.

Ricky's a little too upset.

- Understandably, so...
- Tyrone!

I'm going to read the
words that he prepared.

My dad wasn't always right,
but he acted like he was.

And that was the most
important thing to be thunk of.

My dad was awesome.

And if you don't like him...

you can f*ck off.

That's it. Thank you.

Here's to f*cking Ray.

f*cking way she goes.

f*cking way she goes.

f*cking way she goes.

Present arms!


- Jesus Christ, Jacob.
- What the f*ck was that?


Sorry, Julian.

- Oh my f*ck, Tyrone!
- What is he doing?

He's breaking the f*ck north,
dawg. He hates that halfway house.

He knows if he gets out of the
province they can't f*ck with him.

Oh man, that's a dumb move.
He's gonna end up back in jail.

Like you know a lot
about staying out of jail.

How's it going?

Jesus Christ!

f*cking flyers.

My dad said the biggest mistakes of
my life was giving up on growing dope.

Well that, and working for Julian.

And for a while,
I did give up on dope.

Everybody said I was done.

Cops, judges, Lahey...
They all said, and I kofe,

"I'd never, ever grow dope again."

Does this look like I'd
never, ever grow dope again?

f*ck those guys. Dope's a part
of me, and I can't change that.

Dope's a part of everybody.
I don't know if you know this,

but people have these naturally occurring
cannabinoid sectors in their brain.

What the f*ck do you think
we have those there for?

It's for dope to get
us high, that's what.

The biggest question I had to figure
out last time I went to jail was:

how in the f*ck can I keep
doing this and not get caught?

But, I also had to figure out
where in the f*ck to grow the dope.

Should I grow it in the trailer park?
Lahey's gonna be f*cking with me,

I'll have cops all over my ass.
It just doesn't f*cking work.

Cops aren't going to f*ck
with me in the sub-division.

Lahey is definitely not going to
f*ck with me in the sub-division.

This is all mine now.
I have all of this,

because my dad said, "Don't
f*cking work with Julian."

Thanks for the f*cking advice,
Dad. Wish you were here, bud.

Ricky did this. He
caused my stroke.

Happened the day he got out of jail,
when he shit himself back into this park.

Now I'm a prisoner, and he's free to
go wherever he wants, whenever he wants.

Fortunately he's growing
his dope somewhere else.

But when he shits, he
still shits in the park.

It is dirty f*cking tough.

I mean, I can't get a real
job. Can't get any job.

Employers see how many
times I've been to jail,

and they think it's a mistake
on the g*dd*mn paperwork.

Then I have to say,
"No, no that's accurate,

I've been in there
that many times."

Here's your chicken and liquor.
It's $ , plus $ for delivery.

You know, so now I've
just been slinging

chicken, and beer, and
cigarettes and liquor to people

for a $ fee just to get by.

Oh Jesus, I almost
forgot your cigarettes.

Corey Hart! Ha! Ha!

It wasn't f*cking easy.

I got out of jail and I was just as
broke and f*cked up as everyone else.

So... I fell back on
bouncing at the Red Knight.

This skinny little prick was f*cking
around, got up on the bar, started dancing.

He was wasted, I was wasted.

I grabbed a hold of him, threw
him down, put him in a hold.

And I don't know what happened,
the guy f*cking sucker-punched me.

Knocked me out in
front of everybody.

I mean, even my doorman saw it.

That forced me to step
back and say to myself,

"Julian, are you a f*cking
bouncer, or are you a businessman?"

My business has been up and
running for two months now.

- Private.
- Good evening, Sergeant.

Go for it.


Come on, go, go, go.

- Nice job, buddy.
- Thanks, Julian.

Oh! Jesus Christ, Jacob!
Jacob, turn the piss off!

- f*ck!
- I'm really sorry, Jules.

Man, you're here almost every day,
someone's going to notice something.

This stuff is liquid
f*cking gold, okay?

These guys in Montreal want
the whole f*cking thing.

It's going to make you
and I a lot of money.

Julian's got the Lincoln!

- Hey, man.
- Drink?

Yeah, sure.

I got a little present for
you too, man, from the harvest.

- Here you go, bud.
- Right on. Thanks, buddy.

f*cking best I've ever grown.

- Looks good, man.
- Smooth as f*ck.

What the f*ck's wrong with you?

Oh, look at Mr. Fancy.

In a move that has raised eyebrows
for some and hopes for others,

Canada's Justice Minister today issued
an invitation to marijuana activists

to speak at a hearing in Ottawa
on a conspicuous date, April .

That puts the hearing on the same date
that thousands of pot activists will gather

for their annual /
smoke-in on Parliament Hill.

People are lining up in Ottawa for
a chance to have their voices heard.

Meanwhile, others are confidently predicting
full legalization within a matter of months,

effectively creating
Canada's marijuana industry.

What the f*ck does that mean?
What the f*ck are they saying?

They want to legalize
it. It's going to happen.

They can't legalize dope now. I mean,
look what I've got going on here.

This took me everything
I had to get this going.

I just can't f*cking believe
this is happening right now.

Listen, man, this
is what we gotta do.

We've got to sell all
of our product right now

and get the f*ck out while we can.

We gotta merge our
companies together.

- What does that mean?
- We gotta be partners.

I don't want to be rude here,

but I have a serious f*cking problem
with the product that you're selling.

- Why?
- Because it's a f*cking embarrassing.

What if Lucy... Not to mention
Lucy, what if Trinity, my daughter,

finds out I'm selling
piss with Julian?

- They're not going to know.
- Do you know what they call Jacob?

- What?
- Your piss chimp!

I can't even believe
that you're doing that.

You've really got me thinking
with this Ottawa shit right now.


I'm sure Bubbles is going to want to
f*cking do it, he's broke right now.

No, no, no, don't in-f*cking-volve
Bubbles in this, man.

I'm really f*cking
worried about Bubbles.

He's really, really the most
f*cked I've ever seen him.

He's drinking constantly,

he's on his little chicken
bike driving around drunk.

I don't think he's
making a lot of money.

He just doesn't seem happy. He's
living under J-Rods f*cking step.

- Hey, man.
- Hey, Bubbles.

Hey, B, the old man and the fat boy

was here looking for you's
stayin', know what I'm saying?

What? What did they want?

I don't know what they want, they t*nk.
But I do know what me and Sarah want.

Two years ago he got out the joint,
I was like, "Come crash with us."

I got a spot under my stoop, you
can crash there as long as you want.

I didn't mean two years,
dawg. Two f*cking years dog.

Two years.

Calgary rap battle championship ring.

Hey, I got mad love for all my
past bitches, you know what I mean?

But none of them bitches was able to
push up on me the way that Sarah...

- She my main... she my... she my b*tch.
- You better watch it.

One thing I wish he would excel at a
little more is moving the f*ck on, dawg.

- What's going on, boys?
- The f*ck outta here, man.

What is this, some kind
of a f*cking intervention?

It's a friend-tervention, dawg.

It's time to move, know what I'm saying?
You're my boy, but it's time to be a man.

- Yeah, I do know what you mean.
- Well, that's a good start.

Yeah, I'll get my stuff
packed up and be on my way.

Movin' swish in your stomach
from here to somewhere else

don't count as moving.

I don't want to sound
ungrateful, you know?

I do appreciate everything
J-Roc and Sarah have done for me.

Want some beans?

You f*cking love beans, yeah.

They're a little bit hot,
I should have warned you.

bucks a month has been the rent.
It's actually been quite nice, but...

apparently now, the sentiment is
that maybe I've overstayed my welcome.

What the f*ck?


Dad, I'm sorry, the
transmission is f*cked.

- It's stuck in reverse.
- Totally f*cked, Ricky.

Hey, I appreciate you not making that
kind of language in front of my daughter.

I also appreciate you not
working on my f*cking car.

Just stick to mall security, okay?
Chasing kids around the food court.

Chhh, copy? Chhh, Georgie?

- You look good, Luce.
- You look good too, Rick.

You look f*cked.

Brought that for you.

- So reverse still works?
- Yeah, yeah it's fine.

Hi, Bubbles.

This letter was sent to
the old Sunnyvale PO box.

Address was hard to
read, so we opened it.

- You read my mail, Randy?
- Sorry, Bubbles.

Three black!

Mr. Lahey, check this out.

I found this suit thing and
respirator thing in Julian's bag.

Tag it and bag it, Randy. Put
it with the rest of the evidence.

Something happened to Julian.
I don't know what it was.

But do you remember all those
girlfriends he used to have?

Beautiful women, day and night,
back and forth to his trailer.

All of a sudden,
just up and stopped.

What the hell have we got here?

- Look at that, Randy.
- Meth cocks?

f*ck, it's Ricky.

- Is he coming here?
- Looks like it.

Oh, shit! Go see what he wants.

See what he wants, Randy.

Guys, I just want to f*cking come
in, have a nice peaceful talk.

- Ricky...
- Frig Off, Ricky.

- Ricky! This is trespassing, Ricky!
- Ricky!

Just calm down, guys.

I hear you f*ck-donkies
are snooping around.

- What the hell do you want, Ricky?
- If you guys want my garbage,

I'll just bring it to you every
day. Is that what you want?

Ricky! For f*ck's sakes!

Why don't you go outside and
play some f*cking dandelions

or some sprinklers there,
Randall? Just shutty that f*ck!

What's with your hair, man?

You think you're a f*cking Beavil
or something? You look f*cked.

Oh, thanks, guys.

So Jim, why don't you tell me,
what the f*ck are you looking for?

I'll tell you what
we're looking for, Ricky.

We found these cocks
in Julian's garbage.

So what if someone threw cocks
in the garbage? Who cares?

If you guys haven't noticed, this
trailer park is going to shit again.

So why don't you and f*ck Bobannaran,
or whatever the f*ck you call him,

go and do your little
trailer-park dummy-jobs

instead of digging through peoples
garbage trying to find cocks.

Ricky, Julian cannot have a g*dd*mn
meth lab in this f*cking park.


He's selling piss,
you f*cking dumb-dumb.

- Piss?
- Drug piss.

When people are on dr*gs and
get tested, they need clean piss.

That's what he's selling.

Ricky, I know this isn't the right time,
but could I get , grams from you?

- Randy!
- What?

Yeah, I could probably
make that happen, Randy.

Ricky, you been
watching the news lately?

Hear what's going on in Ottawa?
They're going to make marijuana legal.

Know what that means, Ricky?
Means you're out of business.

Yeah, I seen the news, and guess what?

I'm going to f*cking Ottawa. And
they're not going to get it legal

if I have anything to
do with it. f*ck that.

Really? Yeah, you're gonna
go in that, are you, Ricky?

Hey Rick, little bit of advice,

don't count your chickens
before they shit, Rick.

Oh yeah? Little piece of advice for
you. Why don't you accept the fact

that I'm going to be f*cking
growing dope in this park again?

Just accept it, 'cause there's
nothing you can f*cking do about it.

Stay out of my shit,
boys, okay? Love you guys.

Nice, Randy, nice.

The park's spring
cleanup is now on.

Please take all your garbage, or
any shit you want to throw away.

Old washing machines,
whatever the f*ck it is.

Take it all to the supervisors'
trailer and leave it on the front lawn.

Thank you, park spring cleanup.

What time is it, King Of The Dot? Time
for some suckas to get knocked out.

You know what I'm saying?
Hang on, one second.

There you go, white
boy. Go the f*ck on.

Some white boy from the park,
you know what I'm? Buying dope.

Doin' a good business, dawg. Anyway,
them f*ck goin' to Montreal,

so I don't know if they want you
to roll with 'em, know what I mean?

But I'm gonna axe Julian
for you right quick.

Hang on one second.

- .

I'm gonna tape it for World Star
Hip Hop, know what I'm saying?

Just in case some shit goes
down, dawg, I got this evidence.

What's up, f*ck?
I know what's goin' on,

you think I know where
T is 'cause I'm white?

Just some white boy
in a cop car, dawg.

Anyway, I'm gonna axe Jules, I'll
let you know what he says. Ah!

Where the f*ck did
the snow come from?

Freeze my unit off out here.

Hey, boys. How's she
goin'? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Look at this.
- Ooh, what's this?

That's not your chicken.

I don't want any f*cking trouble here.


Ah, f*ck. Help me...

There was four of them.
Cocksuckers chicken-jacked me.

Officer, could you grab that
letter on the ground for me, please?

I think I'm going
into shock. Thank you.


It's only a matter of time till
the - smokes him out though, dawg.

They always search my trailer, you
know what I'm saying? And he was like,

"Think Julian would be alright if I went
to Montreal with them f*ck?"

And I was like, "I'm gonna axe."

What's poppin', tighty?

Excuse me, I'm Dr. J-Roc,
you know what I'm saying?

I'm gonna prescribe
this for your mouths.

- Sayin' you, boy.
- Thanks, J-Roc.

You got the Rainmen
game on your EastLink.

- What happened to you?
- Oh, I got jumped by some shit rats.

I think I got a broken rib.

Couple scrapes and cuts.
I'm alright, though.

You know, it's okay in here,
actually. The bed's quite comfy,

I got a nice TV
and the food's okay.

You got a broken rib while
you was delivering chicken?

- Chicken and ribs?
- Stop.

- Chicken and ribs.
- J-Roc, stop it. It hurts to laugh.

Dawg, go to school, know
what I'm saying? Upgrade.

Go to community college,
be a veterinary assistant.

Work at the convenience store, dawg, but
don't be slangin' chicken at your age.

Man that houndstooth, sweat
pant, tearaway b*tch...

No man of his age should be wearing
that shit, trying to get by in life.

f*ck, Bubbles! What
the hell happened, man?

Oh, I got jumped delivering
chicken, f*cking wasted.

Police report called it a drunken fight
over chicken, they're not pursuing it.

I don't want to
talk about it, Ricky.

We can't just let some f*cking
ballsucks b*at you up, man.

That's bullshit. We gotta go find

- these f*cking guys right now.
- Shh!

Don't f*cking shush me.

Here man, take this,
it'll f*cking help you out.

Any more beers around, boys?

Excuse me, excuse me. Ah...

Look, your ribs are
bruised, but not broken.

Take these and rest
up. You can go home.

Actually, all of you.

- Right now, please.
- Gotta finish our drinks here, bud.

We're going right now, doctor.
Thank you for everything.

- Right now.
- 'Cause we're not rich enough, like you?

I bet I'll make more f*cking
money than you will this year.

Boys, can we just...

Let's all go to Julian's
house, like old times,

and just chill out and have
some drinks. What do you say?

I'm gonna bust to f*ck home,

you know what I'm saying?
But I'm glad you alright, man.

- Thanks J-Roc.
- What I'm gonna tell T, dawg?

- Tell him I'll think about it.
- Think about it quick dawg, clock's tackin'.

What'd Phil say?

He said Julian rented the Dirty
Burger for a drive to Montreal.

He's also looking to
buy used deep-freezers.

Yeah, well I'm not
attracted to Julian anymore.


It's not Julian we want,
it's Ricky we want to track.

I've got an idea.

How much money we got in
our vacation fund, bud?

Mr. Lahey, no.

Yeah, Randy, yeah.

My God, look at all the piss.

What's up with the big
box of birds, Julian?

There my supervised
test kits, Bubbs.

They're bucks each, I get bucks
in profit for these f*ck' things.

Listen, I need to talk to you guys
about something important, though.

What's up, man?

Julian, can you stop handling
the wieners for one second?

- Want a toke?
- It's important.

Listen, Randy dropped
off this letter.

It's from a lawyer.

Apparently, my parents passed away.

I'm sorry, man.


Ah... f*ck, man. You okay?

Yeah. I know what it feels like,
if you need someone to talk to.

It f*ck' sucks.

No, I'm okay. I mean, f*ck,
I didn't even know them, you know?

It's sad and everything,
but I'll be alright.

- Boys, they left me a house.
- They left you a f*cking house?

They left me a house and a
big piece of land in Kingston.

- Nice!
- Look I got the deed right here.

Lawyers have been
trying to track me down.

Look at this, this
is the final notice.

It says if I don't claim it,
they're going to take the house,

and the land, and all the
possessions and put it up for auction.

Like, I need to deal
with this right away.

Well, I can get you to f*cking
Kingston. Just come with me to Ottawa.

We'll both get high as f*ck, help me
tell those government dicks to f*ck off,

and then we'll go to the house.

Are you going to drive all
the way there in reverse, Rick?

I can fix my f*cking
transmission, Julian.

Just keep playing with your little
cocks, okay? Don't worry about me.

Yes, Francis and Dillon.

Yes, I'm their son, Bubbles.

No, I will be there, I'll bring all
my identification and everything.

But I will be there as
soon as humanly possible.

Okay, thank you very much.

Bubbs, check that out.

Holy f*ck! Decent!

It's a Volkswagen camper van.

Solid body, man.

New paint, no rust,
man, mint condition.

Thanks a lot, man. Good work.

- You're dismissed.
- Yes, sir.

- Hop in, man, check it out.
- Wow!

- f*ck, this is cool.
- Look at this thing.

All those appliances back
there, they work perfectly.

Man, this thing is loaded.

- f*ck.
- Wow.

Does this fold out
into a f*cking bed?

As soon as we're done
the job in Montreal,

I'll take you to your
mom's place in Kingston.

How many people are going to pay
you $ , for two days' work,

and then give you a camper
van on top of it, huh?

I'm treating this like
a working vacation man.

Well, I guess the writing
of the wall says it all.

I'm going to Ottawa, you
guys have a safe trip.

Ricky, I haven't decided I'm going.

Well, I can pretty much tell
what you're gonna f*ck' decide.

This thing is f*cking amazing!

It's got its own fridge!

Julian! This is the piss wagon!

I have to go to Ottawa,

and I think the problem
is, Julian's jealous of me,

because, you know, I'm doing
really good with weed, and...

I'm going on this quest. I'm kind
of clearing my head about my dad,

and I'm kind of doing it for my dad, and
I can't let them f*cking legalize this.

And I think Julian's jealous
that I'm doing so well.

I've got these quests on the go that
he's trying to lure Bubbles away from me.

"Bubbles, you can't go to Ottawa with
Ricky, you can come with me to Montreal,

make all this money in piss, and I'll
give you a free f*cking camper van!"

That's all my stuff out of there.

I shouldn't be gone more
than three or four days, tops.

Yeah, that's cool. The
cats are in the house.

- Okay.
- Where ya going, anyway?

I'm just going, you know...
I got work to do, out of province.

With Julian?

- Yup.
- Look Bubbles, be careful okay?

- Don't go to jail or anything.
- Jail? I'm not planning on going to jail.

Well, nobody plans
on going to jail.

Anyway, take care of yourself.

See ya.

Don't talk back to him, let
me do the talking. Let's go.

- What the f*ck do you guys want?
- We want to talk to the man.

Side door, dummies.

Tell Grandma I said hi, or konnichiwa,
or sayonara, or whatever the f*ck it is.

You got company Cy,
Lahey and Randy.

What the f*ck do they want?

I got cash, Cyrus.

I need a favour.

Well I got cash too, and
I don't need no favours.

A lot of cash, Cyrus.

- Frisk 'em.
- You got it.

Back up, up against that
fence, hands over your head.

- f*ck off...
- Turn around, kiss the fence!


- Stand still, f*ck!
- Easy, Sam.

- Hands off the groin.
- That's what I get paid for, man.

f*cking doing, Sam?

- We're clean!
- Randy, what the f*ck man,

you're making me look
stupid in front of Cyrus.

Why didn't you call
for an appointment?

- Okay, boss, they're clean.
- Well, let them the f*ck in.

Working for Cyrus? It's pretty
f*cking good, let me tell you.

I watched his back when we were in
prison, he said he'd take care of me.

He works for Kraft Dinner, and
that's... fairly inexpensive.

Not here to f*ck with you,
Cyrus. I want to talk business.

- Take a seat, Jimmy.
- Thanks.

I hear you and Julian
are getting along well.

- Where the f*ck did you hear that?
- I'm not trying to make a point,

I'm just trying to say that it's
nice to have peace in the park.

- Right.
- Yeah, I was...

I always considered you to
be a very sensible and...

Cyrus, I'm going to level with you.

I was hoping you could do me a favour
and I could do you a favour sometime.

What makes you think
I would do you a favour, Jim?

Cyrus, I uh... I want to
tell you the truth about this.

Doctor told me I...
I had to give up drinking.

And I'm going to need something
to help get me through,

- 'cause, I'm in a lot of pain, Cyrus.
- Right...

I'm looking to buy a large
quantity of good cocaine.

One time, safely,
enough to get me by.

I can't drink anymore, Cyrus.

I don't know what the f*ck
you're talking about Jimmy,

- 'cause I don't deal in coke, never did.
- Well, I heard that...

f*ck what you heard, Jimmy!

I never sold coke.
Never did, never will.

Those are just dumb-ass stories people make
up 'cause a guy's making a little bit of money.

Sam, pick up the bag, pack up the car and
get these dummies the f*ck out of here!

Taking a little road
trip to Montreal are you?

Never mind where I'm going,
Jimmy, get the f*ck out!

- Sam, pick up the bag!
- Get the f*ck out of the way.

- Come on, let's go!
- You f*ck' shit!

- Get the f*ck out, Jim!
- Get out of here, both of you!

Cyrus, if I f*cking see
you back in the park...

Get... f*ck off!

f*ck' weirdos!

What the f*ck's he want?

- What the f*ck do you want, Sam?
- Sorry about the rough stuff, boys.

Okay, listen, as long as we keep the boss
out of it, I can get you anything you want.

- You wait right here, I'll be right back.
- Don't you worry.

Randy, guess what I got.

I got Cyrus' map. What's
this? Terry... Jules!

Julian's cellphone number, Randy.

- I thought this was about Ricky.
- Trust me, it is.

Randy, we talked over
my feelings for Julian.

I mean, who cares
if he goes to jail?

Well, I'm responsible for
taking the product, you know,

when it arrives in
the big containers

and putting it into the
little... the little test tubes.

You know, and eventually you're going
to have to get your pee tested, so...

that's where Julian comes in.

You know, $ , $ for some clean
piss to keep your job, that's nothing.

Can't b*at m*llitary grade, man.

Yeah, she's clean.

This is f*ck' bullshit!


Jacob showed up here
today highly intoxicated,

trying to deal with his problems.

We gotta talk about something.

Is your dad cool with
the seven day, $ rental?

He's agreed to rent it, but he
wants to know what the trip is for.

Tell him we're going to
a convention or something.

What about your father's credit
card and driver's license?

Yeah, I got 'em.

Now, we're probably not even
going to use these, okay?

They're just for emergencies,
okay? So don't worry about it.

Alright, Bubbs, give him a hand
bringing in the rest of the jugs.

Let's get the piss, Jacob.

There is no more, I got caught.

I'm being dishonourably
discharged from the m*llitary,

for security breaches,
and collecting urine.

Oh no, Jacob.

Okay, this isn't a big deal.

How am I going to tell my dad?

You can't brag about your son
when he got caught collecting piss.

You don't tell your
dad anything, okay?

He needs to know nothing.
Just focus on this mission.

This is the big leagues.

If you ever need a letter of
recommendation, you come to me.

- You cool?
- Yeah, it's cool.

Okay, you're dismissed.


He just lost his f*cking career
for you and you don't even care.

- He knows the f*cking risks.
- The risks?

Do I know the risks? Maybe
I don't know the risks.

Hey, we're not going
to end up in jail.

If that's what you're worried
about, it's not going to happen.

Oh, I'm not going to
f*cking jail, believe me.

When we get to Kingston,
maybe I should just stay there.

You know, new house,
new piece of land.

Maybe I'll start a f*cking
goat farm or something

and just be done with this.


Holy f*ck, look at the
unicorn collection now.

- Yeah, I know.
- I got you a new one.

Oh, it's awesome!
Thank you! Errrrr!


Remember that time in the
bathroom at the midtown?


- Oh, hey, George.
- What's going on here, Luce?

Um, Rick just popped around.

Just dropping off some
dope and unicorns, George.

- Dropped by with dope and unicorns...
- Yeah, I dropped by

with some f*cking dope and
unicorns there, f*ck f*ck!

You got a problem with that,
you got a problem with me.

So Rick went back to jail, again, which
was a deal-breaker for me, 'cause...

So, I was at the mall, and George
was there, and he started coming over,

and he started staying over, and he's
here more and more and more, and...

You know, he, uh...
and I are fine, and...

that's what we have going now.

- What do you think's going on?
- Well I don't know, Luce.

- It doesn't look very good to me here, right?
- Holy f*ck, you're stupid, George.

There's nothing going on.
I'm going on a little trip.

I stopped by to say goodbye to
Lucy and my f*cking daughter.

If you have a problem with
that, we got a problem.

Look, you guys broken
up or what? Just tell me.

Or is this just some
game and I'm the dumb guy?

I totally agree with ya. But
you're gonna have to talk to Lucy

about how dumb you are. I gotta go.

See ya later, Rick.

George, you got something right there.
What the f*ck is that? Oh, there it is.

What the f*ck?

f*cking Ricky!


- Mr. Lahey?
- In here Bandy-Ran.

Banny, the cops won't
come when we call.

But guess who will?
b*mb squad, Randy.

They will act swiftly
and with consequence.

They won't find a b*mb, but
guess what they will find?


We follow Ricky today, we plant
it and then we make the call.

They find this much shit powder on
Ricky, he's doing ten years, Randy.

It's Ricky.

Have a good trip, boys. Good luck.

Cheers, man.

Jesus, Ricky... Here,
hold that for one second.

What's the voltage of this?

Bubbs, you're asking the wrong
guy here, I have no f*cking idea.

That doesn't make
any f*cking sense.

- Hey T. What's up, man?
- What's going on, Bubs? How you doin' man?

- Hey, T, what's going on?
- What's happening, man?

- I guess you're on the run, are ya?
- Man, I had to get

the hell out that halfway
house, it's crazy in there, man.

Julian man, thanks
for the ride man.

- I appreciate it.
- No problem, no problem.

I'm starving, any food
around? Any drinks or anything?

I'm starving.

I got some old swish
here I've been drinking.

- I'll take it.
- You can have that,

- I got a few gummy worms.
- I'll take those too, man.

- You'll want those.
- Thanks, Bubbs.

Alright, you get in the
camper and you lay low, man.

I gotta love T, he my
boy from back in the day.

Got love for them three f*ck.
Googley-eyeing bitches and drinking and shit.

But at the same time,
I got madder love for Sarah.

She's right in front of my eyes all
these years, you know what I'm saying?

They want me to come, I'm
like, "f*ck outta here, man."

You hired him? The cops
are looking for him.

Bubbs I didn't hire him, I'm
dropping him off in Moncton.

It's dangerous.

Listen, he's a friend, he
needs to get out of town.

That's f*ck' dangerous. I don't
want to be in that situation.

He's driving with me,
you're driving with Jacob.

Don't worry about it.

Okay, let's go get the Dirty
Burger and load up the freezers.

Where the f*ck is Jacob?

f*ck, there's Phil, Julian,
and he's standing guard.

Jacob, back to the house.

Hey, Phil.

f*ck off, Julian, there's no way
you're using the Dirty Burger.

- What?
- Get the f*ck out of here!

- You go... get... Clear off!
- What's he talking about?

He knows everything
Julian, I'm sorry.

Jacob, why did you tell him?

- Get in the house, Jacob.
- Jacob, get the f*ck out here.

Julian is the kingpin
con of course, and...

and, um, Jacob's always
looked up to Julian,

and... always had a hero crush
type thing on him, for f*ck's sake.

It's tough for a dad to
compete with sometimes.

He had a career in the m*llitary and
you went and f*cked it up, you bastard.

Listen, I'm taking the
Dirty Burger, we had a deal.

And your son's coming with me.

You never mentioned nothing
about driving piss to Montreal

- in a food truck, now f*ck off!
- Go get Jacob please.

T, start up the Dirty
Burger. Listen, we had a deal.

I already f*cking paid you, okay?

- Don't f*cking resist, Jacob.
- I'm not allowed!

You're f*ck' coming with us!

Julian, he's a lot f*cking
stronger than he looks!

- Bubbs, get him out of here!
- I'm not finished with you yet.

- You son of a b*tch.
- Wrap that f*cking hose around him.

You g*dd*mn bastards.

- Shut the f*ck up, man.
- You f*cking bastards.

- Phil, don't make me f*ck' hammer you.
- You want it? 'Cause you can get it, man.

- Stay in the g*dd*mn house, son!
- Jacob, get the f*ck over here!

T, give me a hand here, drag
this big bastard up the street.

- f*ck' sons of whores!
- Oh, f*ck, quit complaining.

- g*dd*mn it!
- Phil, just f*cking relax.


Jesus Christ!

- God, I f*cking hate dealing with him.
- You prick!

But the bastards overwhelmed me and
before I know it they were f*cking gone.

Come back here, you bastards!

f*cking thing!

Keep that on channel .

By myself? I don't want to drive
by myself. What if I fall asleep?

Bubbs, what do you
want me to do here?

Well, maybe I should go
ask Ricky if he'll come.

- I'll ask him one more time.
- We don't need Ricky.

No, we don't need
him, I realize that,

but I'd like to have him there as
my friend. This isn't all about you.

Ricky is our friend, don't forget.

They're pulling on me like
I'm a g*dd*mn wishbone.

That's what I feel
like. I feel like...

you know, they're just pulling on
me and I'm going to snap, eventually.

I'm hitcheling to Ottawa, f*ck it.

It's no big deal. Somebody
will f*cking drive me.

Thing is, I've got to go,
'cause if they make this legal...

big business is going to swoop
in and make millions of dollars.

Government will tax
the cock off that.

What about guys like me that
have been growing for years?

Providing great dope to people.
Helping people out, going to jail...

To add as*ault to injury we get
f*cked out of ever growing again.

Ricky, what are you doing?
You're not hitchhiking, are you?

- That's greasy.
- I got no other f*cking choice.

- Why don't you let me drive you?
- Where's Jacob?

He's not coming now, it was a
big shit show with Phil Collins.

I'm in here by myself. At least
let me drive you up to the highway.

I'm not f*cking working for Julian.

Ricky, you wouldn't be, you'd
just be keeping me company.

Come on, let's go.

We can stop at the gas station,
we'll get some microwave twisters.

Microwave twisters...!

Ricky's getting in the van.

- Got your cellphone, bud?
- Yup, right here.

Living the f*ck'
dream, Afghanerandy.

And we're off!

Good drink, Randy.

♪ I've been feeling
kind of funny ♪

♪ Everything is sunny... ♪

Cocksucker looks like
she's running a little hot.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah...

Looks alright.

Dirty Dancer, this is Tumbleweed,
what's your ? Come on back.

- Tumbleweed to the Dirty Dancer?
- CB handles Ricky,

- we need to use discretion.
- Cool.

You there, Bubbs?

It's Tumbleweed. Go ahead. Over.

Ricky wouldn't happen
to be with you, would he?

No, no, no, no, no...

Uh, that is a negative,
Dirty Dancer, over.

Man, what a dummy.
They're gonna arrest him

and he's gonna make a
f*cking fool of himself.

Oh well f*ck him, you know, but what's that?
grand split two ways, that's even better.

Ah, let's just stay off the
radios now, Dirty Dancer.

Let's just keep it for
emergencies only. Over.

Copy that, bud. I'm hungry.

We'll get something to eat in
Moncton in an hour or so, you cool?

Copy that, let's go
hammer down double nickels.

Watch out for Moncton
city kitties. Over.


CB talk. Go fast and watch
out for Moncton city cops.

Do you think I'm going
to make a fool of myself?

Ricky, I think you just do
whatever you're gonna do.

You'll be alright. I'm just glad
you're here. Who's got your belly?

- How ya doing, bud?
- I'm tired.

Tired? Randy, come on
now, have a little fun.

- I wish we could just go home.
- Of course you do,

'cause you're just a big baby.
Have a little drink, Randy.

- I don't want a drink.
- Randy, have a little. Come on, man.

I don't want to party alone. Don't
get too close, don't get too close...

Thanks Bubbs. It's gonna be fun,
man. I got a ton of joints rolled.

Four cocks of pepperoni.
You want a cock?

Yeah, break me off
half a cock, Ricky.

- Here, Bubbs.
- Thanks.

At least we're doing
something with our lives.

- Not selling f*cking piss.
- Yeah.

I just feel like I have to do this.
I got to try to change the world.

It's bullshit, what
the government's doing.

f*cking legalize
it, now of all times.

They're gonna hire about
, f*cking people,

but they won't hire me,
'cause I've been in jail

for growing f*cking
dope! How f*cked is that?!

- It's a hard cock to suck Ricky.
- f*cking government.

Hard cock to suck.

- Ah!
- I can't believe you spent

- $ , of our vacation money on coke.
- Randy...

It's worth thrice that much
money to get rid of the...

f*cking Three Shitkateers, bud.

You must be pumped to
see this f*cking house.

Oh, I'm f*cking very excited,
Ricky, you have no idea.

I mean this could be a
f*cking... This is a life-changer!

I could own a mansion!
I don't even know!

Cool if it had, like, a skating rink
or something too, to play hockey.

Well, I doubt it's going to
have that, but I mean, it could.

- Or a barn with a rink in it or something.
- Yeah.

What the f*ck is going on up there?

f*ck, I hope nobody
got hurt, Ricky.

It's got to be a f*cking
accident or something.

I don't like being around all
these cops, Bubbs, with this weed.

I know Ricky, I know.
Just don't act suspicious.

How's it going, officer?
I got pounds of weed on me.

It f*cking stinks.

That looks like the
g*dd*mn Dirty Burger.

f*ck, it is, Ricky. Jesus,
the fireman slipped in the pee.

- Oh my God!
- There's T. They got him, Ricky.

Bubbles to Julian, come
in. What the f*ck happened?

- Where is he?
- I don't know!

Julian, what's going
on? Are you okay?

Bubbles to Julian, come in.

Oh my God!

Is that him? Is that
him up there, Ricky?

Keep going, Bubbles,
pretend you don't see him.

Ricky, f*ck off!

I am not going to f*cking jail!
We don't have room for him, anyway!

Ricky, we're pulling over and
getting him! He's our friend!

We're stopping.

- Are ya alright?
- You're spilling piss everywhere!

f*re started in the batteries.
By the time I got pulled over,

the entire Dirty Bird
goes up in f*cking flames.

I grabbed as much piss as
I could and I f*cking ran.

T, he got f*cking busted!

- I know, we saw him.
- Good man, lost to the piss game.

Boys, I'm not going to
f*cking jail over piss.

- Let's make that clear.
- No kidding,

we gotta get the f*ck out of
here. Go, Bubbles! Let's go!

How much product
did you lose, Julian?

Well, I've got about units
here, so we lost a lot of good piss.

Oh my f*ck. So... like what,
we're down to grand each?

Something like that?

Yeah, unless dicky-nuts
wants to get involved there.

You do smell like piss, Julian.

We probably should try to find
a truck-stop shower or something.

Next thing you know, you'll be
probably selling shit for some reason.


♪ Chug-a-lug chug-a-lug ♪

A lot of people don't
know how to drink.

They drink against the
grain of the liquor.

And when you drink against the
grain of the liquor... you lose.

What the f*ck are
you talking about?

I wonder if there'd
be a dump in heaven.

A dump?

Well, a place in heaven where they
throw everything they don't need.

Yeah, Ricky, there'd
be a dump in heaven.

I bet that's where the
old man's hanging out.

Yeah, I betcha he his, Ricky.
I betcha he's up there...

drinking liquor and listening
to f*cking truckin' music.

I still can't f*cking
believe he's gone.

♪ I get snuck in ♪

♪ For my first taste of sin ♪

♪ I said let me have
a big old sip ♪

♪ I done a double back-flip
Chug-a-lug chug-a-lug ♪

♪ Make u wanna holla hidy hoe ♪

♪ Chug-a-lug chug-a-lug... ♪

Holy f*ck, you smell like weed.

Ha, I should. I got
pounds I'm taking to Ottawa.

You've got pounds
of weed in this van?

No, it's not in the van, calm down,
it's in my coats. Sewed right in.

Ah... Ricky, we weren't doing
anything illegal. Now we are.

- Thanks a lot!
- Mr. Paraloid.

Yeah, he should be paraloid.
I'm f*cking... nervous myself.

That's a lot of dope, we could go
to jail. I'm getting nervous here.

Sheesh, Rand. Stinkin', bud.

You know why I'm stinkin'?
'Cause I haven't showered.

I'm f*cking starving.
I need to eat, too.

Patience Randolph. We
got a job to do first.

I need to get high.

We're in Moncton, there's
dope here. Let's get some hash.

- You need to get high do ya?
- Yeah.

Well, stick your nose in some of
this shitpowder and shut the f*ck up.

I don't do coke.

There's no smell.

You know, dr*gs aren't dangerous,
Randy. People are dangerous.

The more powerful the
drug, the more jail time.

There's nothing to be afraid
of, Randy. Look, I'll show you.


Ha... Randy, I didn't really
do it. I was just kidding, bud.

Julian! Skin mags!

Light, Randy.


Do you want some
ice cream and shit?

Yeah, let's... What do
they got for ice cream?



Thanks, Randy.

It's on there good.

You're clear, Mr. Lahey.
They're at the counter.

Andale, Randy!

We did it, bud.

Alright, I'm going to
try and get some sleep.

- Okay.
- Just wake me up when we get to Montreal.

- Alright.
- You good, buddy?

- Yup.
- Okay man, goodnight.

- Goodnight.
- Keep 'er on the road.

Oh, I will.

♪ Jukebox and sawdust floor ♪

♪ Something like I ain't... ♪


Boys, holy f*ck! Cops!

Holy f*ck, he went right by.

Oh my God.

What the f*ck am I doing here?

Randy, no more farting in the car.

Oh, God...

Julian... Here's the
turnoff to Montreal!

Just keep going? Okay.

Whatever you say.

Oh, there...


They went right by Montreal.

They must be going to
the property in Kingston.

- How ya feeling?
- I'm kind of tired.

Me too. Feeling a little sluggish.

Think I need a... snap
of the white liquor.

What do you think?

I thought it was all
under the f*cking camper.

- Ah! Wanna try a little?
- No!

It'll keep you awake!

We're going to take our time.

Wait for the right moment.

And then we're gonna
call it in and we got 'em.


Holy f*ck.

♪ Ya gotta stay f*cking awake ♪

♪ bottles of beer on the wall ♪

♪ Don't fall asleep Bubbles
or you will k*ll everyone ♪

♪ bottles of beer ♪

♪ You're gonna make it
you're almost there ♪

♪ Bubbles don't fall asleep ♪

♪ Taking a corner... ♪

Bubbs, we're not in Montreal.

- I... think we're almost there...
- Almost there? Where the f*ck are we?

- We should have been there a long time ago!
- Just go back to sleep, Julian.

Kingston, km? What the f*ck?

Pull over!

What the f*ck were you doing?

What's wrong?

- Bubbs... what's wrong?
- My property...

It's f*cking important to me and
I need my friends there with me.

I want to do this before we end
up going f*cking you know where.

- Where?
- To jail.

- We're not going to go to jail.
- Oh yeah? Can you look me in the eye

and f*cking promise me we're
not going to jail, Julian?


Look me in the eyes!

Can't do it. Look at
them shifting around.

You know what, Julian?

You f*cking do whatever you
want, I'll do it by myself.

- Oh come on, Bubbs!
- You're gonna let him do this?

Call your little piss buddies and
tell them you're gonna be late.

Rick, they're expecting
me in one hour,

and the quality and the freshness of
the piss is important to these guys.

- Quality of the piss...
- What's it going to be?

That frozen piss, and those
cocks, or your friends?

Is your piss going
to be there for you?

Bubbs, that's ridiculous.

Is your piss gonna make you chicken
soup the next time you're sick?

Does your piss and your cocks roll
you joints, get drunk with you,

and pass out on your
f*cking couch, or your patio?

Rick, that doesn't
even f*cking make sense.

You know what?

Go to Montreal! Take
your piss and go!

f*ck's sakes.


Did I see what I think I just saw?

I don't know, what'd you see?

Lahey and Randy are following us.

Nah Bubbs, you just
need some sleep, man.

I'm not f*cking losing
it, it was Lahey and Randy.

I'm telling you,
they're following us.

I'm freaking out!


You get in the back and
rest up, let me drive.

- What?
- I'm in, Julian.

- Yes!
- If I'm driving, I want my cut,

- and we go right to Ottawa afterwards.
- Whatever you want, buddy.

Thanks, Ricky.

- Thanks, buddy.
- I'm doing this for Bubbles.

And if we get caught, our names
stay out of this, me and Bubbles.

Hey man, nobody has
to know about this.

- Get some rest, buddy.
- Alright, Ricky.

I can't f*cking
believe I'm doing this.

It's going to be fun,
man. Don't worry about it.

Randy, pretty soon, they're going to
pull over at Bubbles' mother's place.

If we get an opportunity, I'm
going to go and check the coke.

What if once Bubbles gets his
house, he never comes home?

What if that's it, we
never see him again?

- That might happen.
- I know.

- Alright?
- And up in here,

I think that's probably
a good thing, but...

you know, in my heart,
I just... I don't know, man...

I think I'm going to miss
him too much. I love him.

I love him, too.

Look for a turn and it says
there's a sign. You can't miss it.

There's a sign before the
turn or after the turn?

No, it says there's
a turn, and then...

it says a little jaunt and then
there's a sign and you can't miss it.

This says it's right here, where
we are. I can tell by the map.

This is it boys, this is the place.

Is it ever quiet out here, though. Just
listen boys, just listen for a second.

What is it?

It's nothing, Ricky. That's what
I mean, it's very... peaceful.

Well, you don't have any
neighbours out here, Bubbs.

Nope, big water lake...

What the f*ck is that?

There's a power hookup, Bubbs!

♪ The next thing we knew... ♪

- Well, have a drink. Loosen up, bud.
- I don't want a drink.

Randy, this is an adventure.

Bubbles! f*cking pickled eggs.

- No way! Are they still good?
- I don't know.

They look good.

Ah, they're f*cking delicious.


What's that?

Oh my f*ck, dogs. Dirty,
f*cking greasy dogs.

It can't be no dogs.

Oh my f*ck, there's a
pack of wild f*cking dogs!

Those aren't dogs, they're foxes.

What the f*ck do you guys want?
Huh? What the f*ck do you want?

Let's go, get the f*ck out of here.

Hey, Blackie, get the
f*ck out of here. Let's go.

Yeah, they're all there, Randy.

- Look at that.
- What are you doing?

- You can't dip into that!
- I'm just checking it, Randy,

to make sure it's okay.

Let's go, dummies. Let's go.

Don't f*cking bark at me, dummy!

- Get the f*ck going.
- f*ck, good job Ricky.

- He chased them away, Julian.
- f*cking idiots.

We're gonna get caught Mr. Lahey!
Mr. Lahey, there's f*ck' dogs.

I'm putting it back, Randy.

Hey! Call the dogs off!

Check this out, Bubbles.

Look at these old pictures.

Oh my God.

Ha! Look boys, there's us.

I remember that day.

It's right around when you
started drinking, Julian.

There's the first f*cking bikes we stole.

First bikes you stole, Ricky. You
stole all three of those bikes, 'member?

Oh f*ck, I miss that
old hockey stick.

How many f*cking goals
did I score with that?

This is my...

My God, there's my parents, boys.

I forgot how hot your mom was. Wow.

- Ricky!
- I mean... You know what I mean.

Like, just... she's a
f*cking good looking woman.

Your dad looks like
he's f*cking wasted.

The entire frame's rusted to f*ck.

That's too bad, man.
I mean, it's a heap of shit.

Paint's f*cked. It's gonna
start leaking, f*ck' windows.

Ricky! You live in a f*cking
car that's missing a door.

I know.

Well, pack up whatever you want to keep
and let's get the f*ck out of here, Bubbs.

Yeah, we gotta head
to Montreal, bud.

Well, boys, I was thinking...
maybe I'm just going to stay.

You know? Maybe this is
where I'm meant to be, boys.

I got a beautiful home here,
now. I got lake frontage.

Yeah, well lake frontage,
that causes mould and bugs.

You can't f*cking live in this.

I think... I think I'm gonna stay.

He's not really going to
stay here in this, is he?

Rick, this is something he's
gotta figure out on his own.

Oh, come on boys, just...

I always hate the part in The
Littlest Hobo when he's not leaving.

You know?

Just go.

See ya, Bubbs.

Hey, Bubbs?

I love ya, buddy.

I didn't think he was
actually gonna stay.

♪ In nothin' flat he
was clean out of sight ♪

♪ Well I went inside
and ordered me a cup ♪

♪ Told the waiter Big
Joe was settin' me up ♪

♪ Aw you coulda
heard a pin drop ♪

♪ It got deathly quiet ♪

♪ And the waiter's face
turned kinda white ♪

♪ Well did I say
something wrong ♪

♪ I said with a halfway grin ♪

♪ He said
Naw this happens every now and then ♪

♪ Ever' driver in
here knows Big Joe ♪

♪ But son let me tell you what
happened about ten years ago ♪

♪ At the crossroads tonight
where you flagged him down ♪

♪ There was a busload of
kids comin' from town ♪

♪ And they were right in the middle
when Big Joe topped the hill ♪

♪ It could have been slaughter
but he turned his wheel ♪

I can't do this.

What the f*ck am I
doing? I can't do this.

Boys, wait for me, I'm not
f*ck' stayin' here by myself!

Son of a whore!

Get the f*ck goin'!

♪ For Big Joe and Phantom ♪

f*ck off!

- Get!
- Get going!

Okay, Bubbs, are you
sure you want to do this?

Leave all that behind?

- You know what, Julian?
- What?

Switch me seats.

- What?
- Switch seats, you get up front.

There, boys, this is the
way it's supposed to be.

Now I feel at home.

And you're the leader,
Julian. Right, Ricky?

- Yeah, man.
- Thanks, man.

Alright, boys, let's f*cking do this.
Let's go sell this pee, grand each.

Yeah, we're back on track now. Just
a little bit of a family emergency.

Okay... yup... alright... okay,
we'll see you soon. I promise.

Okay, thank you. Bye-bye.

- Just a little pissed off, but they're cool.
- Nice.

Yeah... Boys, you know
what I think I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna build a brand new
f*cking shed with my piss money.

I'm really hungry, if you
can stop for some food.

We don't have f*cking time
for a drive-through, Rand.

We just ate a couple hours ago.

I'm starving. I can't believe
you drove past the friggin' King.

f*ck the King.

Randy, there was another bag of white
liquor. What'd you do with it, bud?

- No, there wasn't.
- Randy, give it to me.

There is white liquor, but
you're not f*cking getting it.

- Aw, f*ck!
- Randy!

- That's it.
- What are you doing?

Randy! Randy! For
f*ck's sakes, Randy!

It's gone!

Jesus Christ! Are you that
dependent on this shit?

If you are, I got some on my underwear!
We can stop and you can sniff it out!

Excuse me, little lady.

Sorry, I need this.
It's an emergency.

Please go away.

Come on, Sassa-Ran, hurry.

Frig off!

This is not what it looks like.

♪ And you had a do-wacka-do
wacka-do wacka-do wacka-do... ♪

♪ They tell me you're runnin'
free your days are never blue ♪

♪ I wish I had your
good-luck charm ♪

♪ And you had a do-wacka-do
wacka-do wacka-do wacka-do... ♪

♪ I see you're goin' down the
street in your big Cadillac ♪

♪ You got girls in the front
you got girls in the back ♪

f*ck, for f*ck's sakes.

is right here, right here. Park.

This looks like a busy f*cking place to
be doing a piss deal, isn't it, Julian?

It's where you do big deals like
this, Ricky. Right in the open.

- That's crazy.
- Alright guys, here.

This is Phil's credit card and ID.
I want you to take it into the strip club,

buy whatever the f*ck
you want. You deserve it.

Shouldn't we be
covering you, Julian?

Bubbs, it's just one guy, alright?

Three of us are standing
out here, it might spook him.


- No, I'm good.
- Come on.

Bubbs, I'm good.

Let's go, Ricky. Let's
go look at some ladies.

- Alright.
- French ladies.

Man, you need this
more than anybody.

Get your head together, okay?

I'm f*cking proud of you, Julian.
You actually pulled this off.

Thanks, man.

Bonjour, je m'appele Bubbles.

There's Julian. He's
smoking a joint. f*ck.

This is f*cking awesome, Bubbs.

So, what do you do?

Well, I'm into all kinds of
different things. I, uh...

They're talking about
legalizing marijuana, so...

If they do, I'm going to be the guy in
charge of all the marijuana for Canada.

It's pretty cool. I work
for the government, actually.

I am the, uh...

administrator at
the... San Diego Zoo.

I've got a big staff.

I personally look after
all the Bengal tigers,

- and the little Bengal tiger kitties.
- Awww.

Would you guys get
the f*ck out of here?

Holy shit, that's Terry and Dennis.

Hey, man.

What the f*ck are you
guys doing in Montreal?

- We're starting things up for Cyrus.
- Cyrus?!

Where the f*ck is Cyrus?

- Why are you guys acting so f*cking weird?
- You're acting weird.

I'm not acting weird.

Enough with the weird. Let's
see the product, Julian.

You guys want some f*cking weed?

Pounds of it where this came from.

Ricky, can the girls just
have as much weed as they want?

Does something smell
like pee in here to you?


I smell weed. I don't
smell pee, though.

I've got units of Canada's
finest right here, gentlemen.

collected. Look at that.

Julian, we're going to need your
help getting this stuff on the truck.

Grandma's waiting.

I get the money first,
then you get the piss.

He's got his g*n out.

I don't give a f*ck how they do it
in Montreal, this is how I do it.

- I want the money first...
- Get the f*ck out here, disco.

You gotta be f*cking kidding me.

I can't believe you're robbing
me. I thought we were good.

I thought you wanted
to be my f*cking friend.

We're not friends, we're f*cking
business partners, remember?

And we're not f*cking good.

You just f*ck off right now
and load the piss in the truck.

And if you ever come
back to the trailer park,

you better change your
address to Smith and Wesson.

That doesn't even
make any f*cking sense.

This doesn't make any sense.

Believe me, I'm going to be waiting for
you back at the f*cking trailer park.

Don't h*t me with your
girly threats, man,

'cause I'll be waiting right here in
Montreal if you ever come looking for me.

You know why? 'Cause I made it
big. I made it f*cking big, disco.

I'm in the piss game now.

Jesus Christ, just take my f*cking
piss, alright, and leave me alone.

- How ya doing?
- Hi, Julian.

Hey, your grandsons are robbing me.

Yeah, you don't
understand what I'm saying.

- Alright, it's good to see you.
- Nice to...

Okay, I'm alright.

He looks pissed.

Double dynamite, Sasserbandy.

Looks like Cyrus
just got Julian good.

You know the nice thing about assholes?
Someone always comes along to wipe 'em up.

He's going in the club.

Now. We make the call now, Randy.

- Shit, no service.
- Ugh, for f*ck's sakes!

Hello, I'd like to
report a disturbance.

There are suspicious men standing
out front of the Club Violetta.

Yeah, they're by an
orange VW 's camper van

and they're talking about a b*mb
that's located underneath it.

- Juliaaaan!
- Julian!

Can you excuse me for a second?

Julian, what are you doing,
shuffling the ladies away?

- Boys, I just got f*cking robbed.
- Robbed? The f*ck are you talking about?

- They pulled g*n out on me.
- Who the f*ck would rob piss?!

- Cyrus.
- What?!

Boys are in for a
little Montreal surprise.

Ah, c'est juste de la cocaine.

C'est juste de la cocaine.

C'est rentré a
lovertime, les boys!

There's been a complaint
against you guys, okay?

I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Maybe you have some money to pay your bills?

Chill out, there, muscular
f*cking Simon and Garfunkel.


There's bucks, I've
got more money in the car.

Is that cool? Can I go get it?


- f*cking bullshit, Julian.
- Big f*ck up, Julian.

Meet me out front in
two f*cking minutes.

Ricky, what are we gonna do?
We just... That's f*cking...

- That's bullshit.
- You should be working for me, Bubbs.

Every time we work for Julian...

- Ricky!
- What?

- Look up.
- Ah, f*ck.

Son of a whore, we're on camera.

It's alright, we're not f*cking gonna
be on there for long, though, are we?

- Ricky, Ricky...
- f*ck off!

- Let's get a f*ck' donair, boys!
- Ricky...


Get out of your vehicle!
Get out of your vehicle!

- What's going on?
- You're under arrest.

- What is this? You're drinking and driving?
- What?

- We found cocaine in your vehicle.
- Cocaine?

We found cocaine in your vehicle.

What the f*ck is this guy doing by my
van? Get this drunk away from my van.

- Who are you?
- Oh, just getting off work.

I thought that was
my van, but it's not.

- Alright, move along then. Move along.
- Yes, sir.

Officer, what are
you talking about?

- We found cocaine in your vehicle.
- Cocaine?

- Yeah.
- I don't know how cocaine got in my van!

- You know what? I was set up.
- Really?

- Either by a guy named Cyrus.
- Uh-huh...

Or a drunk trailer-park
supervisor that's in love with me.

Shit's stinkin' now, bud.

- What...
- So I suppose these aren't yours either?

No, the cocks are
mine. The cocaine isn't.

- Can we go home, now?
- Sure, Julian.

- You just called me Julian.
- No, I didn't call you Julian.

The bouncer just gave this to my colleague.
Is your name Philadelphia Collins?

- Yeah, my name's Phil Collins.
- Well, Mr. Phil Collins,

you're under arrest for possession
of cocaine with intent to traffic,

and drinking and driving.


We didn't get Ricky. f*ck!
f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, Rand.

- Bubbles took off over there.
- Where?

Hey, Bubbles!

How ya doin', bud? Where's Ricky?

Sorry this shit went down
the pipe the way it did, bud.

Bubbles, you want a lift?

How about a drink?

Randy... Randy, hop out
and get the man a drink.

What'll ya have, bud?

Good think we found you, Bubbs.
We'll get you out of this weather.

- Rum?
- Double rum and coke, Randy, please.

Nice shoes, Randy.

- Thanks, Bubbles. Lime?
- No f*cking lime!

There you go, Bubbs.

Actually, maybe I'll have a
beer. You guys got any beer?

Grab the man a beer.

Huh! Thanks, bud.

- You dirty, drunk bastard.
- You f*ck' goofball!

Come on Randy. Don't
fight me, Randy.

Don't fight me.

- What are you doing, Bubbles?
- Get down, Randy.

- Bubbles!
- f*cking bottle fight?

You got no way out, Bubbles!
You're not going anywhere.

Give it up.

f*ck you, Lahey!

Here comes the Captain!

Randy! You okay, bud?

Ya missed me, Lahey,
ya f*ck' dickweed!

Talk to me, bud!

f*ck you, Lahey!

Hey Bubbs, seen the
new -litre bottles?

f*ck you!

Drunk bastard!

What are you doing, Bubbles?

Bubbles! Bubbles! Shit...


Jesus Christ, Ricky!

Ricky! Ricky!

Oh my God. Wake up, come
on. Where's your shoe?

- Here, get in.
- What the f*ck are you doing

- with Lahey's car man?
- I bottle-fought him for it.

What the f*ck do the
cops want with Julian?

Lahey framed Julian, Ricky.
Julian took the wrap for us.

♪ When was the last time you
got up before the sun... ♪

'Morning, Ricky.

Where the f*ck is the camper?

They f*cking impounded it.

Where the f*ck are we?

We're in Ottawa, Ricky.

f*ck yes, Bubbles! Is
that Parmelent Hill?

We're in time.

Pull this f*cking thing
over, man. Let's do this.

- Just a second, I gotta f*cking...
- Jesus Christ, there's Mounties everywhere.

Check this f*cking thing out.

Ah, that's decent, Ricky.

- f*cking medallion.
- That's decent.

Here, hop up there,
I built you a new shoe.

- Wicked!
- Try that on for size.

- It's great.
- Perfect fit, Weederella.

Start introducing the
speakers. We've got a lot

of amazing speakers here today
because this is about using our vote

to change the way our
country is run, right?

Holy f*ck, look at
all the people here!

Ricky, we're not going
to get into this hearing.

Not a problem, Bubbles. I'll
get us into this f*cking hearing.

Attention friends, this is some of
the best dope you will ever smoke.

It's ounces. I will
give this to anybody

that gives their place to
me and this guy in line.

Seriously? Nobody wants to go home,
get high as f*ck and watch this on TV

instead of being here?

Just a second Bubbs, I can't do this.

- I gotta smoke another joint.
- Ricky...

Ricky, what are you doing?

Ricky, hurry up, hurry up.

The cops are right there.

Hi, there.

Alright man, let's do this.

We need to bring that money
into the legitimate economy,

take it away from gangs
and organized crime,

let people operate
openly and transparently

so they can pay their taxes
and contribute to society.

Thank you, Ms. Emery.
Now, before we move on...

perhaps it's time for some
comment from the floor.

There's a gentleman
from Vancouver. Sir?

Yeah, yeah. Actually, can you just
sit back down, if you don't mind?

I got something to say,
it's really important.

I'd like to go first, if
that's okay, everybody.

It's a bit of an emergency.
I don't know how much time I have.

- No objection?
- No.

Go ahead.

Well, thank you, all the
peoples that are here.

I myself am a farmer. I grow dope.

This is what I grow right here,
the best f*cking weed in Canada.

I'm just going to pass some out,
you guys can have a smell and...

taste if you want.

Just get the f*ck out
of the way, thank you.

Here guys, smell it.

It's just a plant. A plant that
grows by other nature on this planet

and makes the world a
better f*cking place.


Hand it out, Ricky!

- Order, we're going to have order in here.
- Have some.

That's my friend.
That's my friend Ricky.

Point of order.

I thought that's why we're here,
guys, to talk about f*cking dope, okay?

So let's just spin some
of that up, pass it around,

- and see what the f*ck happens.
- Is that why you came here?

You hoping to go to jail?

- What's that?
- You're hoping you'll be

hauled off to jail, is that it?

I'm sick of f*cking being arrested,

'cause your g*dd*mn stupid laws right
now. I've been to jail or times

'cause of your f*cked up
laws. That's the problem.

How the f*ck can I be under arrest
for bringing my dope here, that I grew,

and then in two days, or whenever
the f*ck it is, you legalize it?

What are you going to do? Unarrest me?
How can I be under arrest for bringing dope

to a government talking
that's about dope?

It's a gift, anyway. I'm f*cking
giving it to you, it's free.

- Are you trying to demonstrate something?
- Take it easy there, Bobby Barker,

this isn't the f*cking
Price is Right, okay?

You're not running the
f*cking show right now, I am.

You know what else is bullshit?

You can't smoke a joint, but you
can get drunk as f*ck on liquor,

smoke cigarettes and shit
yourself to death, no problem.

You guys can all shut the f*ck up.

We know that cigarettes will k*ll
you. How f*cked is that, guys?

You got no problem with that? You
guys can't get involved with dope.

You're going to f*ck it up. You
f*ck everything up with taxes.

I've never charged tax on my
f*cking dope when I sell it.

That's f*cked right there.

That's right! Cigarettes
are f*cking bullshit!

Sit down, sir.

f*ck off, d*ck chin.

f*cking be nice to him.
That's my friend, Bubbles.

- Are you trying to be in charge?
- You're not in charge.

I'm not trying to be in charge...

Are you capable of
making a logical argument?

I don't even know what that means.

I think you just
answered my question.

I'm a weed grower. That's why
I'm f*cking here, for my rights.

My dad recently passed away and
I'm here for this f*cking cause,

and you should be listening
to me. Weed is a medicine.

It f*cking always has
been, it helps people.

We should be researching
the thernapeutic qualities,

not f*cking trying to throw
good people in jail like me.

Here, here!

That's f*cked up, man,

because of f*cking Santa
Clause here. That's bullshit.

Ricky! Ricky! Ricky!

I'm suing the Canadian government for
years radioactive lost f*cking wages

and a -year medical
marijuana license.

Sir, this is not a court,
this is a public hearing.

Well, I can't f*cking
afford a court.

So I'm going to make this my f*cking
court, if that's okay with everybody.

Is that cool?

Yes! Court is in session!
Let's hear it for Ricky!

You definitely smoke dope.

Christmas dinner, turkey
dinner, I guaran-f*cking-tee it.

You f*ck' smoke dope, don't ya?
You guys can't decriminalize it, okay?

If you do, you got to
decriminalize me and my past.

Don't legalize it! Please, don't
f*cking legalize it! You can't!

It's not f*cking fair! f*cking hippoclits!
Yeah, you're gonna keep that weed aren't you?

I bet you're gonna f*cking
smoke it at lunch time!

- f*cking hippoclits!
- Alright, we'll take a break now.

Oh, ugh... Let's
find the car, Rand.


Can't we just get some
cheap flights and fly home?

Can a car fly home, Randy?

Hey, Ricky, you were great in there.

Listen, I'm a lawyer,
okay? Here's my card.

I think I can't get that political arrest
thrown out in court in, like, a week,

and I can probably get you a
medical marijuana license, alright?

Keep in touch! Rockstar case!

- I can help you, alright?
- f*cking awesome.

♪ Sloooooooooow ♪

♪ Fried baloney ♪

f*ck off, Randy.

How ya doin', bud?

♪ Sloooooooow ♪

♪ Fried baloney ♪


You were f*cking
awesome in there, Ricky.

Thanks. I think the old man
would have been proud of me.

f*cking right, he woulda
been. That was amazing.

Take it easy. f*ck.

Well, look who's going to jail.
Over six plants is a year, Ricky.

Back off!

- Give me my f*cking car keys, Bubbles.
- I don't have your f*cking car keys.

- Get him, Randy.
- Give us the keys.

f*ck off!

I got 'em.

- Back off.
- What's that?

Look who's wearing the
shit shoes now, Ricky.

f*ck this! Mr. Lahey
planted the coke on Julian.

I'll testify to that,
Bubbles. Let me go.

Put the f*cking Taser down, Lahey.

You love Randy. Don't
electrocute him in his belly.

You're next, Bubbles.

Now, I'm gonna f*ck ya.

- What the f*ck, bud? Yeah...
- I got this, Bubbles.

Let's go! I've been waiting to fight
you my whole f*cking life, Lahey.

Punch in the face, Ricky?

f*ck! That was good a
sh*t, you f*ck' idiot.

Ah, f*ck!


One little drink, for courage.


Guess you lose and I
win this one, huh, f*ck?

No... I won.

I'm really disappointed in Randy.

We decided to take a
little break for a while.

My decision.

Good news, the Taser shock
somehow reversed my stroke.

I've never felt... I haven't felt
this good in many, many years.

Good, one, two.

I'm dating again in here.

I've only got seven months
left, which is great.

White liquor's what f*cked me up.

For f*ck's sakes. Randy!!!

I thought I'd miss
him, but I don't.

I'm also hooking at night again.

Good choice for me.

Well, I guess Lucy got tired
of banging George Green.

She kicked him out of the
trailer, which is great.

And I'm spending a lot more
time around Trinity, and...

things aren't % between me and
Lucy, but we'll see how things go.

Hey, if Stretch-Arm-Weak's here, that
must mean Julian's out the joint.

- You know what I'm saying?
- Hey, Jacob.

- Look at that f*ck' sign.
- Ray Christ!

Hey Sarah, how's the pH?

- It's good.
- Good.

- How'd we do?
- Real good.

- Holy f*ck!
- Cool, boss?

- Yeah.
- Alright, let's go, babe.

- Want some soups?
- One can each.

Guess who's out, dawg.

You're looking at
him. I'm a free man.

Judge gave him bail. It was a female
judge and I think she was feeling him.

I admit it, I've made
some mistakes in my life.

And... maybe the piss game was
the biggest mistake of my life

because not only did it...
f*ck me up financially...

it f*cked me up emotionally.

For the first time in my life,

I actually don't feel like
telling the government to f*ck off.

They dropped all the charges,
which is f*cking great.

And they offered me a license to grow
medical marijuana for five f*cking years.

So for the first time in my
life, I am growing f*cking weed

and it's totally legal.

Which is the way it should be.
It's the new f*cking mellemium.

Watch out for Randy!

Straight back,
Ricky, straight back!

more feet Ricky, more feet!

Okay, cut her there!

Cut her, cut her!

Straight back.

Brakes, Ricky!


New crib's dope, Bubbles.

- Thanks.
- You own all this?

- It's all mine boys, come on in.
- Sweet, man.

- Make yourselves at home, boys.
- I'm going to roll a joint.

I'm not here to f*ck with you guys.

What's going on, Randy?
Are you... hooking again?

Yeah, I am.

You be surprised how many
freaky-ass f*ck

are in to big-gutted
hairy bitches.

Listen man, I really appreciate
what you did for me, Randy.

- You're alright, bud.
- Thanks, Julian.

- Alright, alright, alright.
- Thanks a lot.

- Ricky, you got mail.
- What the f*ck is that?

Hey J-Roc, do we got a CDR?

Whoa, hey, ahem... Ricky.

Hey buddy, it's the old man.

As you can see, I'm alive and well.

Living in a dump in
Florida, making liquor...

In fact, I'm kinda drunk
right now buddy, so...

gi... give me a second.

So Rick, listen, I uh...

I did an insurance scam,
buddy... Life insurance.

Made $ , .

$ , ! I mean, you know how far
that would go in a Florida dump?

I'm set for life, pal.

f*cking genius.

Saw you on television, Rick.

You were fantastic.

Thanks, Dad.

My family's here, in Sunnyvale.

This is where I'm meant to be, with
Ricky and Julian and... everybody.

This is my home.

I learned a lot of things
on this whole journey.

One of them's that I gotta
gear down on the liquor.

And ramp it up on the dope.

♪ Slooooooooooow ♪

♪ Fried baloney ♪

♪ Oh I got to have some ♪

♪ Slooooooooooow ♪

♪ Fried baloney ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Yes that tastes good ♪

♪ Slooooooooooow ♪

♪ Fried baloney ♪

♪ Give it to me ♪

♪ Oh I get to have it ♪

♪ Slooooooooooow ♪

♪ Fried baloney ♪

♪ I'm gonna take
some home yeah ♪

♪ Slooooooooooow ♪

♪ Fried baloney ♪

♪ Oh tastes good hmm ♪

♪ Slooooooooooow ♪

♪ Fried baloney ♪

♪ Give me some
Yeah ♪

♪ I'm gonna take it
Yeah ♪

♪ You know what I'm gonna do ♪

♪ I'm gonna put some in the frying
pan and I'm gonna cook it up ♪

♪ I'm gonna throw it in the
pot I'm gonna pour it up ♪

♪ I'm gonna take a
suck out of that ♪

♪ I'm gonna throw it on the floor and
I'll pick it up and I'm gonna eat it ♪

♪ 'Cause it tastes good
and I love baloney son ♪

♪ I love it
I love it I love it ♪

♪ I got to have it
I got to have it... ♪
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