Columnist, The (2019)

[bunniefuu]

OK, everybody. All on stand-by.
We're going to start.

Five, four, three...

And now:
Twitter, a curse or a blessing?

Columnist Femke Boot wrote earlier
this week...

...that it's about time to put a stop...

...to those online hate messages
and death threats aimed at her.

Welcome, Femke.

What do you think companies like
Twitter and Facebook should change?

I think we're the ones
that have to change.

That our culture has to change.

These days we think it's so normal
that someone else...

...the person we don't agree with,
that they are our enemy.

And we have to stop doing that, so...

Come on, Femke. This is just an
old-fashioned campaign for decency.

Just a minute.
Femke, finish what you were saying.

Right. Well, Twitter, Facebook...

...all those comments, it's all so awful.

And I think we shouldn't forget,
we have to remember...

...that we are all people. Including
the people we don't agree with.

Yes, and we also shouldn't forget
to no longer eat meat.

We should recycle our plastic,
and to save water...

...we should piss under the shower.

Look, why can't we just have different
opinions and be nice about it?

Rickert: why do we still allow
untalented women on TV??

Niels de Groot: fake feminist @femkeboot
is just flirting with Matthijs

Piepo
I hope they rough up your daughter

Winter is Coming NL
I know where you live

@winteriscoming
I know where you live

THIS SEEMS LIKE A PERFECT MOMENT

TO SAY FAREWELL
TO THIS f*cking MEDIUM

GOODBYE FOREVER

No. No. No.

You could have mentioned the book.

You're not on a talk show for fun.
You're a brand.

You could have mentioned the book.
-We don't know what the book is yet.

Because you haven't handed anything in.
-I've handed in a complete book.

Yes, and it's a good book,
but it's perhaps a little too heavy.

Yeah, right. A book about everything
that's wrong with society...

...isn't what we want. God forbid
that someone learns something.

Darling, people love your columns
because they are so familiar.

Not because you tell them
what they should think.

Listen, we're talking about
next Christmas...

...which is practically this Christmas,
which is practically now.

There will have to be a bit
of a stir about your book, right?

Go back.

A stir?
-Yes. A stir, yes. No.

But I don't even know what.
We still don't have a title, a subject.

We don't even know
what kind of book it's going to be.

But we do have a target group, right?

We have a target group.
-Go a bit faster, darling.

It's just...
I'm suffering a bit from...

Don't say 'writer's block'.

OK.
-Don't say it.

I'm saying nothing.
-It doesn't exist.

OK.

Stop. This is getting us nowhere.

It's all about the mindset.

Herman Brusselmans
writes two books a year.

Why didn't you ask him to write
a book?

Don't be so silly, Femke.

We want you, Femke. The real Femke.
Just you.

And Brusselmans is stuck with
another publisher until 2022.

There's no way of getting him
away from them. We've tried, believe me.

Have the first part in my mailbox
by next week. OK?

By next week?
-I have to go, sorry.

Hey, you just have to get writing,
because you're good at it.

So, lovely chat, nice people,
great coffee. Ciao, ciao.

BYE BYE BLACK PETE

I have gym class today.

Have you washed my kit?

Is it any good?
-It's really good.

He's a really good writer.

But apart from that,
he's not a nice person.

You don't think anyone's nice.
-No-one is nice, Anna.

No, that's true.

NOVEL, ATTEMPT 4

Bob de Vlieger: if @FemkeBoot gets
A*DS, I'll organize a party. Deal?

Johan De Gezellige: within three days
she'll be back, wanna bet?

Saskia 2: @FemkeBoot
so what?

Noud van Heijst: Her column is
a bitter rant from a sexless b*tch

Wim: that woman
really doesn't f*cking get it

STNGRTS: I asked my doctor
f*ck of @FemkeBoot

sexually frustrated... not a f*ck...
gotten fat... f*ck face... and stay away.

I think, but that's just what I think...

...I just think your women's columns
are better.

Women's columns.
-Just about your divorce and your kid.

Just keep it personal.

That one about that...
-Shewee?

Yes, the one about the Shewee.
That was nice. That's what I mean.

I read that column,
because I'm interested in you.

Do you know what I mean?

There are so many political things where
I think, hey, stick to what you know.

And we should come back here for late
night opening when they serve gin&tonic.

Do you know what I think?
-What do you think, Renate?

If it really was that bad with
all those death threats and such...

...you'd have gone to the police
and not to a talk show.

I mean that in a positive way, you know?
It's obviously not that bad.

So if I understand you correctly,
you are filing a report...

About?
-Offense, slander...

What's it called?
-Tweets?

And comments, Facebook, things...

...nasty messages,
a couple of death wishes.

Ms. Boot, you did go
to elementary school, didn't you?

Yes.
-So you know what it's like there?

Bullying, stirring up trouble,
finger pointing, singing nasty songs.

But these aren't children.
These are...

My advice is to simply not look at
these internet websites any more.

...it's just the internet.
It's not real.

Also, you can decide not to write
about Black Pete.

That was just one column.
That was just one...

Ms. Boot,
how long have you been at this school?

That sounds like asking
the obvious to me.

Don't use this kind of language at
my school, please. Not at our school.

What?
-Headmaster...

...even for the simple third grade student
sitting across from you...

...it's very clear that your problem
isn't the language in this piece.

Is that right, Anne?

Anna.

So what is my problem then?
-OK, look. You don't want, and I get it...

...you don't want the school paper to say
anything about your stupid merger plans.

My...?
-Stupid merger plans.

Hereby, you are immediately thrown off
the school newspaper's editorial team.

OK.

Oh. Hi, neighbor.

It's a surprise.

Off we go.

I understand that you're young...

Are you going to rule out my opinion
because of my age?

What will a benefit event like that
generate?

Money.

For the freedom of expression?
What good will money do for that?

It's about people in Russia, in Turkey,
in the Philippines...

...who risk their lives every time they
write some criticism on the internet.

It's just so incredibly prissy, Anna.

You just don't understand anything.

My bike's broken.

Can you give me a lift?
-On the back of my bike?

By car?

Is there any bullying at your school?

Of course.
Not me though.

What do you think about it?
-It's not nice for those people.

They're only words.
-Words can also hurt.

Yes, but less than stones.
-Stones?

At elementary school we sometimes
used to throw stones at Brian.

But Brian was a real little f*ck.
-Mom.

What?
-You can't say that.

Some people just deserve it.

Like Brian.
-Mom.

It wouldn't surprise me if he was
into child porn in 20 years time.

Little f*ck.

There's no fence.

Yeah, I'm making a new one.

A new fence?
-Yes.

Great.
-Yes.

Hard at work?
-Yes.

Do you think you'll be long...

Is everything going all right?
-Yes, very good.

Look, Fem, of course I'm like:

Do I wish it could be different? Of course
I wish it could be different, but...

Do you know what? It's just sh*t.
Right. That's what it is. Yes.

Arjen Tol: St. Nicholas: 'I know
where all the naughty girls live'

This is just a question of:
you just have to accept some things...

Arjen Tol:
I'm ashamed I live in a country like this

Arjen Tol:
Close the borders = the only solution

Arjen Tol: who wants to f*ck this
filthy b*tch. f*ck her dead maybe?

Just a minute, this isn't a medium.

Gin & tonic?

It's late night opening.
So we serve gin & tonic.

Thank you. Oh, and one for...

sh*t.

Hello.
-Hello, neighbor.

Someone has wrecked our fence.

Oh, dear.
-With an axe or something.

How awful.

Did you see anything?
-No.

Oh. Pity.
-Yes.

What's that?

It's ham.
We've got a ham left over.

Excuse me?
-We've got a ham left over.

It's a shame to throw it away.

Thank you.

NOVEL ATTEMPT 9

Arjen Tol: f*cking lefty b*tch...
Islam is Apartheid

It will always be h...
f*cking columnist,!

Mom?

Hi, sweetheart.

Chill.

So.
There you are.

What's that?
-It's for you.

Yes, that's lovely.
-What a cool gift, hey?

A really cool thing.
-Keep still. Pose. Yes.

BENEFIT EVENING
IN SUPPORTS OF FREE SPEECH

It's in support.

What?
-Without the S.

Right.

Cool poster, though.
-Thank you.

If you like, I could come
and say or do something.

Really?

Would you really want to?

If you want me to.
-I'd love that.

Good.
-Thanks, Mom.

And what is this all about?
-Freedom of speech.

At school?
-No, in Turkey, Russia, the Philippines.

This isn't about...

The school newspaper?
No.

May I go now?

I think I'm allergic to books.
Is that possible?

How come?
-After every book launch...

...the next day, I have a headache.

Thank you for the first half, by the way.
I really enjoyed...

...reading it.
OK.

Dear friends, family and competition...

You weren't very nice to me, were you?

Excuse me?
-On TV.

Very unkind.

I'm afraid that, where TV is concerned,
I'm a little more cynical than you.

And why aren't I cynical?

You were there because
you want to change the world.

I was there to sell my new book.

I was playing a role.
-That's no excuse.

No.
-No.

No, I didn't mean it as an excuse.
It's not nice, but it's the truth.

I'm much more cynical than you.

Oh, really?

I really don't care about anything
at all.

Nothing?
-Nothing.

That is indeed cynical.
Pity.

My mother does my nails.

Really?
-My hands shake too much.

So every time I have to perform,
I call in on Mom.

A great excuse to see her more often.

Hi.

Hello?

Hello?
-Hi.

If you like, you can come and stay
over another time.

Would you like that?

Yes.
I would like that, yes.

THE JOY OF A SOFT-BOILED EGG

Are you really called Steven Death?

I'm called Erik Flinterman.

I thought it sounded a bit too cheerful
for horror stories.

Yes, Erik Flinterman writes kids' books.
-Picture books.

Cook books.

...when it's meant to be?

Yeah, I don't know. When you suddenly
see a future together.

When you want to have someone's kids.

When you know that someone still loves
you even when your n*pples are leaking...

THE JOY OF A SOFT-BOILED EGG

Jan de Wit: why this kind
of trivial rubbish in my paper?

Diederik Mathijssen: Keep
this f*cking c**t to yourselves.

Ruben: a tumor is to the brain,
as 'Femke Boot' is to journalism

Steven van de Ven:
What an ugly mug

Diederik Mathijssen: Keep this f*cking
c**t to yourselves, trivial rubbish

what an ugly mug

women's kollumn

Don't read the comments.
-No.

Never read the comments.
-No, no. I know.

Diederik Mathijssen: Keep
this f*cking c**t to yourselves...

I'm going to the bathroom.

Hi, I'm Diederik.

I nominate Robert and
Lindsey Stavenuite and Barack Obama.

Wash your hands.

Femke Boot?
-Yes.

Hi.

Would you like a drink?

No, thank you.

I'd have worn something else
if I'd known you were coming.

Really?
-Don't you think?

You don't seem like the kind of person
who takes other people into account.

People can surprise you.
-I'm often surprised by people.

Although it's not often in a positive way.
How's Tanja?

Tanja? Fine.
-Really?

Yes.

How long have you been together?

A year.
-A year.

Yes.

'I propose that we skewer this woman
c**t-first on a pole at the beach...'

Nice expression: c**t-first.

Thank you. It took me a while
to come up with that.

I was wondering,
if I may ask a question...

Go ahead.
-Would Tanja like that?

If you said something like that about her?
-c**t-first?

Skewered on a pole at the beach.
Would Tanja like that?

That's irrelevant.
-Because?

I would never write something
like that about Tanja.

Because Tanja doesn't write
such f*cking terrible columns.

Sorry, Diederik. You called the wrong
f*cking wh*re a f*cking wh*re.

Have you seen my scarf?

f*ck THE KING
LONG LIVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH

t*rture, m*rder, a**l r*pe.

We can't all write about the joy
of a hard-boiled egg.

Soft-boiled egg.

It was a good column.
-Thank you.

It's just fiction. It's gruesome,
but it's all fake. I just make it up.

That can't be healthy.
Cheese.

I think it's very healthy indeed.

Everyone has those kinds of thoughts.
-a**l r*pe?

Most people don't dare to admit it.
They hide their feelings.

Maybe.

Shall we go out to dinner?

I also have a way of letting off steam.
-Like what?

Well, regular stuff.
Video games.

Video games?
-Yes.

Doom and things like that.

So I really understand it when you say
that everyone has some hate inside them.

Hate?

And violence and stuff.

It just has to be released,
one way or another.

But that's not what I said.
I didn't say I had any hate in me.

Well, you know, something like that.
-I really didn't.

I actually heard you say it exactly
like that.

That's what you literally said.
-Literally?

Literally.
In words.

THEN CAME THE REALIZATION:

DEADLINE CHAPTER 3
TODAY

...there have been shocked reactions
to yesterday evening's brutal m*rder.

On social media it's being called
the frying pan m*rder.

A 28-year-old man was attacked
by an intruder in his own home...

...and beaten to death
with a frying pan.

It's a mystery to the police and
no suspect has been arrested yet.

It is unclear why the man was a victim.

We should thank the m*rder*r.

If only because now we get
to hear Merel Westrik...

...say the word 'frying pan'.

Bosskabouter: ...exposing @FemkeBoot
as a compulsive pedosexual.

Bosskabouter: Justice will prevail.
We all get what we deserve.

Bosskabouter: ...exposing @FemkeBoot
as a compulsive pedosexual.

Jeroen van de Kieboom: so that
b*tch @FemkeBoot is a pedo. Of course.

Jeroen van de Kieboom
New Realist. Entrepreneur. Father.

I'M JUST GOING TOT GET CHIPS
FROM THE ALL-NIGHT STORE, XX F

STATE FORESTRY DEPARTMENT

f*ck.

Sorry. Seriously. Sorry.
-What?

I didn't mean it.

You didn't mean it?
-No, really. I didn't mean it.

It was just a bit of fun.
-A bit of fun?

Yes, I know it's not a bit of fun
to you.

I felt guilty the moment I did it.

You mentioned me in a really nasty
message yesterday...

...and now all of a sudden
you've had a change of heart?

f*cking hell, mate.
At least the one before you was honest.

The one before me?
-Yes, you, Jeroen...

...you just say what you think
I want to hear.

Spineless piece of snot that you are.

No, seriously, I just wanted to be part of
the crowd. I'm going to improve my life.

I'm going to improve my life.
I can get rid of Twitter, I can...

Do you know what?
It isn't hard to be kind.

I am kind.
Ask everyone who knows me.

You're kind?
-Yes.

Really kind?
-Yes.

OK.

AMSTERDAM MAY HAVE TURNED INTO
DISNEYLAND BUT IT'S MY DISNEYLAND

Three, two, one.
Happy New Year.

Where were you?
-At Renate's, for a drink.

Once she starts talking,
there's no stopping her. No way.

Are you...

What?

What?

Are you seeing someone else?

No.

OK.

Then I got it wrong.

Trust me.

Whatever it is,
you can tell me.

Are you hungry?

Now?
-Fancy some soup? I'll make some soup.

Hate mail.

We get six or seven every day.

What do they say?
-That you're a pedophile.

Right, yeah,
but I already knew that.

They've found an old column you wrote.

Something about you being 19
and your boyfriend was 15.

16.
-Oh, 16.

Jesus.
-They threaten us with all sorts.

They'll boycott the publishing house
until we terminate your contract.

Sorry, I don't know what to say.

We know you're not a pedophile.
You don't have to tell us.

They just want to badmouth you.
-If you want to terminate my contract...

No, no, no.
The question is: is it OK with you...

...if we quote a couple
of those letters on the back cover.

To cause a stir.

Hey, what are you doing?

A new banner.
-Why?

The Headmaster didn't like the first one.
-Why not?

Because it had 'f*ck the king' on it.

What a prick.
-He said it was a punishable offence.

But isn't this whole thing about
freedom of speech? What a prick.

It's no problem. I'll just make a new one.
-What a prick.

YOU CAN'T SAY
f*ck THE KING

Very good.
-Cool.

What a prick.

Are you still angry?
-I'm not angry.

I just think he's a prick.
-You've already said that.

He's just a prick.

Could yoga be something for you?
-Give me a break.

See you tonight.
I love you.

What a prick.

Mom?
The police.

Please, take a seat.
-Thank you.

No, thank you.

We've received a phone call that a child
is being held hostage in this house.

A child?

A sex sl*ve.

Oh. Yes, no, that's Cornald.
My daughter's sex sl*ve.

I'm joking.

I don't have a sex sl*ve in my cellar.
In my house.

We also didn't take that call too
seriously, but we just wondered...

What the hell is going on.

Do you have any enemies?

Twitter.
-Twitter?

Yes. An old column I wrote is being used
against me to set me up...

...as a pedosexual.

Seriously?
-Yes.

How awful.
That must be very annoying.

Yes.

Yes, it is, yes.

Any idea who could be behind this?

One of them seems to be the boss.

Every time he tweets something,
a whole army of trolls follow suit.

Do you have a name?
-Bosskabouter.

Bosskabouter?
-Boss... kabouter, with double s.

But I don't think it's his real name.

That'll be that guy Tarik.

Tarik?
-That's not what I said.

Tarik.
-You misheard.

We would advise you to stay off
Twitter...

...and if you are personally harassed,
then this is our direct number.

Tarik.
-I never said that.

Tarik.

I'd like to have sex with the king,
if he's OK with that.

It's my daughter's.
A school project.

OK.

TARIK BOSSKABOUTER

TARIK CRIMINAL RECORD

Would you like a cup of tea?
-Not right now.

OK.

Sorry.

Mom?

Do you trust Steven?

Yes.

Don't you think he's a bit strange?
-Of course.

That's why I like him.

A bit scary?

He makes me happy, Anna.
That's important to me.

I know that having a new man in
the family takes some getting used to.

But he really is a good one.

The police may have made
a breakthrough...

...in their investigation into the m*rder
of Peter Kolk from Amsterdam.

Kolk was brutally m*rder*d
during Carnival weekend.

Detectives suspect
that there is a link...

...with a number of murders
that took place last year.

Earlier this week the police announced
that in all of these m*rder cases...

...the victims were mutilated
after they were k*lled.

And that is why the murders
are now known on social media...

...as the middle finger murders.

It is not yet known if Kolk was
also mutilated after he was k*lled.

Karim: Once saw @Femkeboot
in the playground. Now I know why

So?

So?

So, do you want to join us for dinner?

Oh. No.
Steven and I are having dinner together.

GET IN TOUCH WITH US
N&DW PUBLISHERS

I DON'T LIKE SOUP

Treinstein9: during foreplay would
Ms. Boot also... Frigid b*tch...

Treinstein9: frigid b*tch. gag her.

TODAY'S NEWS - STILL NO ARREST
FOR THE BATHTUB m*rder

Guys, you know it's tonight, don't you?
-Yes.

Where are you going?

To the shops for the groceries.

But, I...
-Yeah, for tomorrow.

Will you be back in time?
-Don't worry.

Have you been on Twitter again?

Don't do that. They're just a bunch
of idiots with delusions of grandeur.

Yes.

Really.
-Yes.

I just need to clear my head.

sh*t.

Good evening. This is 'The World Turns'
on Monday 18th February...

Well, if it isn't Treinstein9.

It's time, Arend.
For...

Yeah, for revenge.

I want to see your computer.

Where is your computer?

Where do you write your g*dd*mn
f*cking messages?

Those uninformed, half-hearted,
political analyses.

Your death threats.

Those funny photoshops
of Volkskrant columnists...

...that you portray as
c*ck-sucking wh*res.

Where is your computer?

Welcome, everyone. Or should I really
say: 'Welcome, m*therf*ckers'?

Why do I say that?
Because I'm allowed to.

Your mother should be here by now,
shouldn't she?

sh*t.

Jeanne, call the police and hide.

Arend?

So, Femke Shewee,
now the roles are reversed.

Give that to me, stupid c**t.
How dare you...

Welcome.
Hello.

911. What is your emergency?

911. What is your emergency?

Hello?

Hello?

sh*t.

f*ck.

There you go.

Where's Mom?

I don't know.

She went to do the groceries.
-But she has to give a speech.

I don't know where she is.

Yeah, right.
You don't know where she is.

Should I maybe read the speech out?
-I'll do it.

But I want...
-No.

I asked my mother...

...for those who don't know,
my mother is Femke Boot...

...a columnist for the Volkskrant.

I asked her to write something
for this evening.

My mother isn't...
unfortunately, she can't be here, but...

So, this was written by my mother.

When my daughter asked me to write
something about freedom of speech...

...I had to laugh.

I admit it. The subject felt
somewhat old-fashioned.

In Holland we have stretched the barriers
of what we can say so much.

I can write everything I want
in my column.

If it doesn't get published
in the paper...

...it's because my editor didn't think
it was good enough.

Not because it is subject to censorship.

But there are places where people
are k*lled...

...for what they write on the internet.
k*lled for their words.

This happens every day, you know?

So what for us is just commonplace,
a cliché, a boring truth...

...should be repeated time and time
again.

Everything can be said.

I am allowed to say everything.

I am allowed to call the king a prick.

The government corrupt, we're allowed
to call Neelie Kroes a wh*re...

...and the Headmaster
of my daughter's high school...

...an overpaid, balding piece of sh*t.

That is allowed.

No, you have to.

And if people don't agree with me,
then they are allowed to be angry.

They're allowed to curse me,
fight against me...

...with every argument
that they can come up with.

But they aren't allowed to silence me.

I'm allowed to say everything.

Therefore, no matter how old-fashioned
it may be, a toast.

Ladies and Gentlemen,
to freedom of speech.

My car broke down.

The car wouldn't start, I waited for
the breakdown service for an hour.

You hung up on me.

You hung up on me.

Yes.

I hung up on you.

Sorry.

Sorry, I...

Let's talk about this some more
in the morning.

I'm going to live with Dad.

Welcome to Voicemail.
You have six new messages.

First new message:

Hi, Anna. It's me.
I know you don't want to talk to me...

Next new message:

Anna, hi. I'll keep calling
until you pick up...

Next new message:

Darling, tomorrow it's my book launch.

I would really love it
if you could be there.

STEVEN DEATH

STEVEN DEATH
I KNOW YOUR SECRET!!!

Your new column has been
well received on Facebook.

I don't want to know.

Only four haters so far.
-I don't want to know.

Here.
This one is nice.

Well, nice...

Tarik Bos: Femcunt

Clever. Right?

Tarik Bos.

Yes?

OK.
I'll put it away.

Are you nervous, about the launch?

No.

Anna.

What are you doing here?

Big day.
I didn't want to miss it.

Sweetheart.

I know what you do at night.

Is this a joke?

No, this isn't a joke.

STILL NO-ONE ARRESTED
FOR THE BATHTUB m*rder

Who do you think I am?

TARIK BOS
7 WILLEM STREET

What are you doing?
-I have to think.

What about?
-About everything.

We have to call the police.

I accuse you of being a serial k*ller
and you make carbonara?

It isn't me, this is...

I don't want to know.
-It isn't me.

Who is it then?
My mother?

No.

Tarik?
-What?

Dad?

What the f*ck was that?

Who are you?

Who are you?
-Tarik. Tarik Bos.

No, that man down there, that's Tarik.

That's my father.

Sorry. I'm really sorry.
Don't sh**t.

Please, don't sh**t.
-You deserve it.

Please.
-You deserve it. You called me a pedo.

That was a joke.
-I didn't think it was funny.

Sorry.
-Why couldn't you just be nice?

What?
-Be nice.

Why can't we just have different
opinions and be nice about it?

You and I.

I'm a person, Tarik.

If you call me a f*cking wh*re,
a stupid b*tch, a pedophile, I feel that.

It keeps me awake. Do you get it, Tarik,
that other people also have feelings?

Yes.
-I don't deserve this.

I'm not a n*zi, not a psychopath,
not an enemy of the people.

The fact that I have another
f*cking political opinion...

...doesn't mean I'm not a person.

I'm not a monster, I'm Femke,
just Femke, just a woman...

...who writes for a newspaper,
with a different opinion to you.

I don't deserve this.
Do you get that?

Yes, I get it. Yes.

You are what is wrong with this world.

You and your whole army
of losers with a laptop.

I'm sorry I just shot your father.

Femke?

What have you done?

He deserved it.

No.

Yes, he deserved it.

No-one deserves this, Femke.

Why are you taking his side?

His side? Femke...

Why are you taking his side?

There are no sides.

He deserved it.

Femke?

Here's to life.